I had a phone call from my son's headmaster. "I'm afraid to tell you that a group of Asian lads ganged up on Michael and stuck his head down the toilet." "Little bastards. Is he OK now?" "Unfortunately not. They cut it off first."
Muslim supergalley (2059) · 20-06-2026 1553I was walking back to my place with this fat bird I'd pulled. I said "have you got any lube with you?" She said "oooh, have you got a big cock" I said "no, a narrow front door"
Fat / Obesity Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 10-08-2026 1902My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner. ....so I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
spike125 🥈 (2112) · 07-08-2026 0245News: 5 arrested for fly-tipping. There’s a real dip in quality of Enid Blyton’s writing.
Crime WayOutWest (428) · 05-07-2026 2132My mate died in an accident with a cement lorry. There's already a statue of him.
Accidents/Injuries › Workplace Accident Workplace Accident supergalley (2059) · 06-09-2026 0908It will take some effort to get the coffin lid down.
The families of the five pikeys killed in the A66 crash have gathered at the scene of the accident, to see if there's any scrap metal still lying around.
Gypsies › Scrap Metal Scrap Metal theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 25-08-2026 1745My blood pressure is quite high so my doctor told me to eat more vegetables, leafy greens, kale, spinach etc. It tastes like shit but I just put loads of salt on it.
Age/Elderly ianwatkins 🥉 (2120) · 24-07-2026 2047I was blessed with a large penis. I would have preferred Holy Water.
Sex n Shit Squeaky (1950) · 17-05-2026 0922Has anyone looked at "Sicki" lately? All completely unfunny "jokes" about breaking wind now, it's fucking dire! Thank the lord for THIS site....
Non-Jokes/Announcements › Thanks / Shoutout Thanks / Shoutout spike125 🥈 (2112) · 22-09-2026 0127I saw my mate who has no legs yesterday waiting at the bus stop. I said "alright Dave , how are you getting on?"
My Mrs says I'm crap at fixing appliances. Well she's in for a shock...
Congratulations to Bonnie Blue on this big milestone… First time she’s had to guide someone OUT of her minge.
Sex n Shit Cockwomble (156) · 10-09-2026 112829 years on, and I can still remember where I was and what I was doing when I heard Diana was dead. I was at the all-night panel beaters in Paris, getting my white Fiat Uno fixed.
Celebrity Death › Car Crash Celebs Car Crash Celebs theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 31-08-2026 1112What's the difference between a black woman from the 1800s and a black woman today.. The type of lashes they get.
Racist Pasty (48) · 28-08-2026 0552My kids are scared of flies. They always start to cry when I unzip mine.
Suicide must be ruled out There's no way Jason Arday did that himself
Dark LennysCrevasse 🥉 (1372) · 14-08-2026 2156I went on a date with a girl whose Tinder profile said she had an 'infectious smile'. She had cold sores.
Disease/Illness theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 25-07-2026 1229My friend from America is visiting me and he told me that he done a good deed today by holding an elevator door open for a spastic. I told him that kind of talk is not welcome in this country. In England we call them lifts.
Disability Joeydeaconsbastard (1173) · 16-07-2026 1919Sure is sunny this week! I've got such a good tan, earlier today I went into Patel's corner shop and he told me to fuck off back to my own country.
Pakistani theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 25-06-2026 1512I've often wondered what it'd be like to be a fly on the wall in Finsbury Park Mosque. Crowded, I'd imagine.
Muslim theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 10-06-2026 1812Never thought I'd see anything more ironic than a guy in a wheelchair eating a bag of Walkers. Then I saw a black guy drinking a bottle of Innocent.
Offensive ianwatkins 🥉 (2120) · 03-12-2025 1428Of course black lives matter. A dead slave is useless.
Racist › KKK Energy KKK Energy innit (959) · 20-09-2026 0453I can always tell if a woman has a good sense of humour. Just by feeling her breasts.
Sex n Shit Squeaky (1950) · 04-08-2026 0819Common English mistakes: Using they're instead of their. Using an apostrophe to indicate a plural. Letting Pakis into the country.
Pakistani notbaldbob (1145) · 27-07-2026 0620I refused to believe I was gay and dyslexic. I was in Daniel.
LGBTQ4KHDTV+ etc notbaldbob (1145) · 26-07-2026 0759A vehicle has ploughed into crowds at Berlin Pride. The suspect reportedly had a beard, was shouting “Allahu Akbar”, wearing a suicide vest and fled the scene on a goat. Police are urging people not to speculate about the motive.
Muslim WayOutWest (428) · 25-07-2026 2134I bought an R Kelly album once. There was a warning sticker on the cellophane. It said, 'Please keep this rapper away from babies and young children.'
Pedophile theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 24-07-2026 2104I've always stood up for black people. It's not worth getting stabbed over a seat
Racist root (238) · 25-05-2026 1346If Adam and Eve had been Chinese... they would have eaten the snake.
Religion Squeaky (1950) · 03-09-2026 0802I must have really pissed off the wife when we had a go at erotic asphyxiation. She's been lying there for five days now,giving me the silent treatment.
Sex n Shit Squeaky (1950) · 31-08-2026 0805What's bitter, smells of onions and comes in a curry sauce? That Deliveroo driver you didn't tip.
What's better than 2 dead coppers? 5 dead pikeys.
Gypsies › Police Raid Police Raid theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 23-08-2026 2221I like my neighbours like I like my teeth. Straight and white.
Racist theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 19-08-2026 1752I can't understand why there are so many black people in TV adverts. We haven't been able to buy one for two hundred years.
Racist Squeaky (1950) · 14-08-2026 0723An Imam told me that throwing bacon at a Muslim is as offensive as throwing dog shit at them. Anyway, long story short, I'm now saving a fortune on bacon.
Muslim theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 10-08-2026 2014I saw a post on my local community group on Facebook: 'MISSING: Our 3-year-old tabby cat, Oscar. He is recently neutered, wears a collar bell to alert birds, and we feed him a vegan diet.' I replied, 'And you're surprised he fucked off?'
Animals theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 27-07-2026 0932What's the worst thing that can happen when you are fucking your sister? The cot breaks.
Incest Squeaky (1950) · 22-07-2026 0758I'm old enough to remember the good old days, when you could still find porn mags in bushes. And bushes in porn mags.
Sex n Shit theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 13-06-2026 1548We call my grandad "Spiderman" he hasn't got any special powers, he just can't get out of the bath.
Disability Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 11-06-2026 2011I was standing at the bus stop, just finishing my cigarette, when the bus suddenly left without me. "Cunt!" I shouted. I could've sworn I put the handbrake on.
Accidents/Injuries Stallion (1615) · 11-06-2026 0827I was having a lovely sleep earlier until some inconsiderate cunt decided to bounce off my windscreen
Accidents/Injuries root (238) · 25-05-2026 1937Definition of Obscenity: Anything that gives the judge an erection.
Sex n Shit innit (959) · 10-09-2026 0938My brother and his family are moving to Glasgow. Well I'll be a junkie's uncle!
Alcohol/Drugs theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 29-08-2026 1555Temperatures are soaring in England, with many ponds and lakes expected to dry up completely this week. Which will be handy as it will help the police find all the dopey kids who drowned while swimming in them last week.
Accidents/Injuries Hengist 🥉 (871) · 13-08-2026 2047A ticket inspector banged on the door of the train toilet and said "where's your ticket?" I shouted FFS I'm having a shit! " He said" I don't believe you, pass it under the door" I said "there you go, the yellow bits are sweetcorn"
Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 05-08-2026 1914The homeless problem would be solved if the Big Issue had tits in it
I won first place in a political correctness competition the weekend... Though to be fair, so did everyone else.
Political notbaldbob (1145) · 27-07-2026 1942My dog bit a black guy the other day so the police told me to have him chipped. You should see the difference, he now operates at 16 Nigger bytes a second.
Animals notbaldbob (1145) · 25-07-2026 1031Gambling brought my family closer together. We had to buy a smaller house
Gambling supergalley (2059) · 23-07-2026 1237I was playing pool in the pub last night. As I leaned in to take a shot my buddy said, 'Watch the black, mate!' I replied, 'Why, is he near my jacket again?'
Racist theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 19-06-2026 0551And in animal news, a little boy has learned to be careful what he wishes for after asking if he could feed the crocodiles at the zoo.
In The News Hengist 🥉 (871) · 18-06-2026 1809My grief counselor died last week. She was that good at her job, I didn't give a fuck
How do you make a black man nervous? Take him to an auction.
Racist Squeaky (1950) · 14-06-2026 1031If my wife didn't sleep with her mouth open I wouldn't get any sex at all.
Sex n Shit Squeaky (1950) · 02-06-2026 0937A lot of actors are really worried that in the future, they will be replaced in films by AI avatars, but many directors say that AI will never be able to do what real Hollywood stars do. I mean, how could a computer suck Harvey Weinstein's cock?
Hollywood › Casting Couch Casting Couch Hengist 🥉 (871) · 20-09-2026 1650When I was a kid my best friend was black.We used to play together all the time. Then my father sold him.
Racist › Colonial Hangover Colonial Hangover Squeaky (1950) · 01-09-2026 0801Remember this day 29 years ago? Princess Diana was all over the radio. And the dashboard, and the glovebox...
Cleveland Police. Tackling crime head on.
Motoring › Boy Racer Boy Racer scotty (549) · 24-08-2026 1936I work for an organization that hands out clothes to the poor and disadvantaged. Primark
Work/Workplace › Minimum Wage Minimum Wage Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 23-08-2026 1334People who post comments entirely in upper case want executing. Bring back capital punishment.
Wordplay scotty (549) · 12-08-2026 0439Trials to fly a new type of aeroplane powered by gas have been abandoned after the pilot kept going out.
Aviation Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 11-08-2026 085998 days ago I found a centipede in my garden, and I've been slowly torturing it ever since. It's on its last legs now.
Animals theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 07-08-2026 0807The BBC are to screen a new documentary about life in an average household in Bradford. 101 Damn Asians starts on Monday at 9pm.
Racist theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 06-08-2026 1528Princess Eugenie has given birth to a baby girl in Lisbon. Sarah Ferguson spoke to her daughter on a Facetime call shortly afterwards saying "Ooh, she's so pretty Eugenie, I can see your father in her!" Eugenie replied "Can you really?" "Yes," replied Sarah, "Probably the first time he gets to babysit!"
What does paying for a sandwich and paying for a hooker have in common? Both could have been prevented if your wife was doing her job
Sex n Shit Irishstu (189) · 04-08-2026 2048My doctor told me that I have xenophobia. I'll bet I caught it off some Paki cunt.
Racist Stallion (1615) · 04-08-2026 2028I suddenly felt a tightness in my chest and my left arm went completely numb, of course I knew what to do straight away. I had a wank so it felt like someone else was doing it.
Doctor/Nurse/Medical ianwatkins 🥉 (2120) · 31-07-2026 0253Just wondering Was Bill Oddie taken away in a body bag or a Goodie bag.
Death Joeydeaconsbastard (1173) · 27-07-2026 1933My date said she liked men who make an effort. She should see the well I dug in the cellar.
Dark WayOutWest (428) · 27-07-2026 1857"So how long are you in for?" I asked my new cellmate. "Just a couple of minutes and then I'm usually done," he replied, as he carried on thrusting.
Crime notbaldbob (1145) · 23-07-2026 0535My girlfriend got pregnant because her coil didn't work. She's expecting a baby in the spring.
Adult Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 19-07-2026 1549I went to the barbers and said "I want my hair cut like Tom Cruise" so he sat me on a big cushion
Celebrities Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 10-07-2026 2255My mate Dave and I were hiking through the jungle in Cambodia. Suddenly I saw a metallic disc on the ground. I bent down to pick it up, and Dave shouts "stop!!! That's a mine!!!" I replied "hell no!! Finders keepers!! And why you suddenly speaking like an Italian??"
Wordplay OkiPaul (190) · 12-06-2026 0245There was a kid in my year at high school who got picked on all the time because he had Brittle Bone Disease. I'll never forget the day he finally snapped.
Disease/Illness theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 06-06-2026 1758I've invented a magic beam that you can aim at any woman's head and it instantly enables you to have sex with them. Although it's technically more of a plank.
Rape / Sexual Violence ianwatkins 🥉 (2120) · 23-05-2026 0201One of the barmaids in our pub got her nipple pierced. I'm shit at darts.
General Squeaky (1950) · 18-09-2026 0821I went to lunch with a champion chess player. It took him 8 minutes to pass me the salt...
General Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 14-09-2026 1350Lindsay Clancy blaming her hormones for murdering her children is like me blaming testosterone for raping mine.
Crime innit (959) · 05-09-2026 0150My wife suggested I take the kids skimming down the river. The 2-yr-old went the furthest.
Age/Elderly garry6291 (641) · 28-08-2026 1049I'm not saying Pakis smell bad, but I spoke to one over an hour ago and I'm still gagging. And that was on the phone.
Pakistani theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 27-08-2026 1803It must be great being a necrophiliac. You can just go straight up to someone and tell them you fancy them rotten.
Sex n Shit theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 27-08-2026 1544How can you tell when you are a good rapist? When she gets on top halfway through Credit, the old wiki site , in pre insect days
Which word ends in anal? Chloroform.
Police confirm Jason Arday was murdered. They’ve allowed the media to report it as suicide so he can take the credit for someone else’s work one last time.
Celebrity Death scotty (549) · 20-08-2026 1249The self deprecation society is taking applications for new members. I've already put myself down.
Self Deprecating innit (959) · 17-08-2026 0928I phoned my boss's mobile. "I'm on the train heading to the south coast now." "What..?" he answered, sounding a bit annoyed. "It's five o'clock in the fucking morning! What are you doing on a train?" "You tell me," I replied. "You're the one who told me to be in Brighton early this morning."
Silly garry6291 (641) · 13-08-2026 1016Somali kid comes home from school. He proudly exclaimed "Mam my cock is 3 times the size of all the other kids. Is it because I'm black? " "No son its because your 23"
Gingerpubes (274) · 12-08-2026 1957How many policemen does it take to push a nigger down the stairs? None he fell.
Racist Joeydeaconsbastard (1173) · 04-08-2026 2113A black man was given a twenty five year jail sentence at Crown Court today for something he didn't do. Wipe his fingerprints off the gun.
Racist Squeaky (1950) · 03-08-2026 0957My wife said she's leaving me because she's never seen me sober. Fucking hell, I got married?
Alcohol/Drugs theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 02-08-2026 1244People used to say that I was like Bill Oddie. I would often hide in bushes to spy on birds.
Celebrities Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 31-07-2026 0856Why is vodka clear? So the Russians can tell it isn't their tap water.
Political ianwatkins 🥉 (2120) · 29-07-2026 1831Two books on a library shelf. ' You look thinner, ' said the first book. ' I've had my appendix removed, ' replied the second book.
General Squeaky (1950) · 28-07-2026 0719I’ve decided to liven up my sex life… The mortuary doesn’t do it for me anymore.
Cockwomble (156) · 27-07-2026 1445A huge article just appeared featuring Dracula's lifestyle in Daily Mail. And yet, he didn't appear in The Mirror, or The Sun.
Dad Jokes notbaldbob (1145) · 27-07-2026 0628HR asked whether I struggle to read social cues. I said no, then moved my chair closer because she seemed nervous.
Dark WayOutWest (428) · 26-07-2026 1746What would happen if you drop the bomb on Africa? Fuck all they're all over here.
Racist Joeydeaconsbastard (1173) · 24-07-2026 2141I don't know what's worse, me getting caught fucking my daughter, or the abortion clinic letting me bring her home in the first place.
Babies Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 24-07-2026 1943I can't believe my wife has kicked me out just for measuring my penis. Just for the record, it reaches the back of her sister's throat.
Sex n Shit notbaldbob (1145) · 23-07-2026 1527I think it’s pretty cool how the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos.
Racist notbaldbob (1145) · 10-07-2026 0913I saw a Paki filling up his car at a petrol station this morning. He managed to get seven adults and ten kids in there.
Pakistani Squeaky (1950) · 10-07-2026 0807My wife asked me to name all the women I've slept with. Upon reflection I should probably have stopped when I got to her...
Apologies, this isn't a joke. I've just jumped ship from you know where and to my absolute joy, there ARE funny people still out there. Thank you, I hope you inspire me.
I saw a middle-aged man in a terrible wig and shouted "Oi, what do you identify as faggot?" As it turns out, it was a really bad start to my trial!
Silly DdraigGoch (729) · 21-06-2026 0548'Cabinet turns on Starmer' Is there anything that doesn't give him a boner?
In The News ianwatkins 🥉 (2120) · 20-06-2026 0743As we were undressing in the hotel room the prostitute said to me; 'Just so you know from the start, I don't do anal. Not for extra money, not for anything.' I replied, 'You know what? You're the worst fucking rent boy I've ever picked up.'
Prostitution / Sex Worker theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 13-06-2026 1653I hear McDonald's has branches in Africa now. The customers must prefer them to tables and chairs.
Racist theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 10-06-2026 1118It's no surprise the Williams sisters were so successful at tennis. Black people have centuries of experience serving. And appearing at the courts, for that matter.
Racist theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 10-06-2026 0456My local authority have plans to build a sewage farm near me. It won't be popular but will bring a lot of jobs to the area.
Boats Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 07-06-2026 1548'Teen rapists spared jail due to intellectual limitations' Turns out the judge was a retard.
Hengist 🥉 (871) · 05-06-2026 1206I painted my motor home pink, gave the headlights eyelashes and fitted net curtains. It's now a camper van. No, you fuck off.
Adult Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 03-06-2026 2152On holiday last week, you could hear the 2 fit lesbians next door having sex every night. It wasn't easy though. You had to turn the telly right down and un-plug the fridge. My favourite joke I ever saw on Sicki Don't know who posted it but hats off
Sex n Shit Gungho_ED (298) · 19-05-2026 1811As we left the restaurant, she kissed me and said, "We should have dinner again." "I don't think so," I replied, "I'm full."
Sex n Shit Stallion (1615) · 07-12-2025 1643The family of the ‘Putney Pusher’ maintain he was totally innocent and was thrown under a bus by the Met police.
Death › Sudden Death Sudden Death SatansTesticles (27) · 17-09-2026 1631Michael Owen "never ever" tells his children he loves them. That must make the sex awkward.
Celebrities › Sports Celebs Sports Celebs ianwatkins 🥉 (2120) · 05-09-2026 1359I was on holiday with my Mrs, we were sat on the beach and all the other women were topless. I said "why don't you take your bikini top off?" She said "I feel self conscious" She finally did and said "how do I look?" I said "great" she said "really?" I said "yeah, it's pulled all the wrinkles out of your face "
Wife Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 05-09-2026 1231I came home last night and said to my wife "are you wearing knickers?" She said "no" I said "thank fuck, I thought the sofa cushion had split"
Pervert psycho breaks into a laundry fucks 2 women and runs off. Headline. Nut screws washers and bolts
Wordplay › Puns Puns Gingerpubes (274) · 30-08-2026 1544I've just finished walking from Land's End to John O'Groats. It was either that or fly with Ryanair.
Aviation › Ryanair / Budget Airline Ryanair / Budget Airline theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 30-08-2026 1323How can you make cot death less distressing? Dress the baby in a clown's outfit.
Death › Sudden Death Sudden Death Squeaky (1950) · 30-08-2026 0740A black man walks into a petrol station and says, 'Give me all the money in the till, or I'll blow you away!' The cashier replies, 'But you haven't got a gun!' He says, 'Sorry, force of habit. Pump number four, please.'
Racist › Colourist Jokes Colourist Jokes theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 28-08-2026 1444My best friend's wife died after being hit by a car. He asked me if I would say a few words at her funeral. ' Stop,Look and Listen, ' didn't go down very well.
Accidents/Injuries › Car Crash Car Crash Squeaky (1950) · 28-08-2026 0741I met this girl in a club and she was all over me, she whispered in my ear "I want you to fuck me me really badly" She wasn't disappointed.
Sex n Shit Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 27-08-2026 1849Residents in Bradford who are being kept awake at night by fireworks set off by the city's Asian community have launched a petition asking the government to ban them. I signed it enthusiastically but then I realised they meant the fireworks.
Pakistani Hengist 🥉 (871) · 27-08-2026 1230'I tell ya, England used to be a green and pleasant land; now it's a brown and unpleasant land.' 'Yeah, these droughts are something else, aren't they?' 'I didn't say anything about the droughts.'
Immigration theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 12-08-2026 1607How do you deal with a woman who won't open her legs for you? Tricky. In my experience, it depends on the cause: frigidity, lesbianism or rigor Mortis.
Rape / Sexual Violence soitgoes2512 (15) · 10-08-2026 1850I walked past a homeless guy in a doorway and dropped a few quid in his cup. A passerby said "you shouldn't give them money, some of them have their own homes" I said "not this one, I evicted him last week"
Homeless / Bum Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 07-08-2026 0925My wife has learning difficulties. She's a woman.
Sexist theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 05-08-2026 1954A woman who stabbed 4 men in Covent Garden has been arrested, with Police saying she was mentally ill. So she was a Muslim?
In The News ianwatkins 🥉 (2120) · 05-08-2026 1813What's blue and orange, and at the bottom of a swimming pool? A kid with flat arm bands
Death Gungho_ED (298) · 03-08-2026 1912A customer just asked me if we sold condoms. I said we don't, but have you tried Boots? He said yes, but it dribbles out of the lace holes.
Long Story Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 03-08-2026 1137After a prostate exam, the doctor quickly leaves and a nurse enters with a worried look. She whispers the words no man wants to hear: "Who the fuck was that guy?".
Adult Irishstu (189) · 01-08-2026 0610An old Marine Pilot sat down in a Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked: “Are you a real pilot”? He replied: Well, I’ve spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans… Flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I’ve taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you? She said: I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. ‘It seems everything makes me think of naked women.’ The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: “Are you a real pilot?” He replied: ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a Lesbian.’
Aviation supergalley (2059) · 30-07-2026 1410A British army sniper was asked how many people he had killed. "None," he replied, "only Muslims."
Muslim Stallion (1615) · 29-07-2026 0001My Chinese girlfriend dumped me and now I can't find my way home because I'm totally disoriented.
Racist ianwatkins 🥉 (2120) · 28-07-2026 1736"Do you love me?," she asked, "because I really love you." "No, I think of you more as a clingy nuisance," I replied to my 4 year old daughter.
Dark Stallion (1615) · 27-07-2026 2008Why can't more than one woman play monopoly? Because there is only one iron.
Sexist notbaldbob (1145) · 27-07-2026 1748What do you say to a Geography graduate? Big Mac and fries, please.
Work/Workplace ianwatkins 🥉 (2120) · 27-07-2026 1745Over dinner my date asked me, 'So, do you have any guilty pleasures?' I replied, 'Of course I do. Everyone does. But it's our first date, I'd be far too embarrassed to tell you about that sort of thing.' 'Don't be shy! Tell you what, how about you tell me yours and then I'll tell you mine?' 'Okay, then. Here goes... Sometimes when I'm masturbating, I like to spread peanut butter on my cock and get the dog to lick it off. Deal's a deal, now you tell me yours!' 'Erm... The Carpenters and Billy Joel.'
Dark theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 26-07-2026 2150I joined a Facebook group for local missing people. Nice to finally put names to some of the faces.
Crime WayOutWest (428) · 26-07-2026 1740A man was savagely attacked at The Teddy Bear's Picnic. His condition is said to be improving but he's not out of the woods yet.
Silly notbaldbob (1145) · 26-07-2026 0743The first thing I look for in a woman is intelligence. Because if she doesn't have that, there's a good chance I can fuck her.
Sex n Shit notbaldbob (1145) · 25-07-2026 1335I saw a white girl down town the other day and she had 5 black kids! I thought to myself how unlucky is that being raped 5 times.
Rape / Sexual Violence notbaldbob (1145) · 24-07-2026 2136My wife said to me yesterday "do you want to suck my tits?" I said "no, I don't eat anything that's been on the floor"
Wife Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 24-07-2026 1413My mates call me "polythene bag" I said "is that because I'm thin and flimsy?" They said "no, it's because you should be kept away from children"
Babies Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 22-07-2026 0933My mother-in-law bought a talking parrot, but she took it back a week later "This parrot hasn't said anything!" she complained. "I haven't had a fucking chance yet!" replied the parrot.
Sexist notbaldbob (1145) · 21-07-2026 1711I just saw a black guy running down the road with a Cape on I shouted, "Are you a Superhero?" He said, "No, I haven't paid for my haircut!"
Crime notbaldbob (1145) · 20-07-2026 0607I recently made a girl squirt for the first time. It was pepper spray, but still a result.
Rape / Sexual Violence theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 19-07-2026 1435Apparently, North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York, which is a bit scary. If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.
Silly notbaldbob (1145) · 17-07-2026 0728I took a girl back to my flat. "You haven't removed many bras have you?" she sighed. "What gave it away?" "The scissors, mainly."
Sex n Shit garry6291 (641) · 10-07-2026 0913A few months ago my budgie escaped from its cage and had sex with the dog. Anyway, anybody want to buy some puppies, going cheap...?
The missus walked out on me because of my shit sense of direction . She just packed her stuff and right.
Wife Joeydeaconsbastard (1173) · 30-06-2026 1917King Charles has revealed his recent treatment for cancer cost him his sense of taste. This is the guy who climbed over Diana to get to Camilla, he never fucking had one.
Offensive theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 29-06-2026 0644Child killer Jamie Varley arrives for a meeting with his solicitor. "It's bad news," the solicitor says. "You're most likely looking at three to ten weeks in HMP Wakefield." "Three to ten weeks?" Varley says. "That's great! I thought I was getting life!" "You are," says the solicitor.
Hengist 🥉 (871) · 27-06-2026 1802Most of the rock legends of the 60s and 70s died young because of their utterly reckless behaviour. Jim Morrison used to snort huge amounts of cocaine. Keith Moon washed down his anti-alcoholism pills with champagne. And Marc Bolan let his missus drive.
Sexist theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 11-06-2026 1552The most popular final meal on death row is fried chicken. Not very surprising really.
I've been watching a lot of "reality" porn lately. You know, where the couple go to bed and nothing happens.
Marriage / Wedding Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 04-06-2026 1816I saw a guy wanking in front of a butchers shop... turns out he was a Welsh necrophiliac
Racist root (238) · 22-05-2026 1714My black colleague at work was a bit upset and said, "My uncle died, he was like a father to me." "Were you very close?," I asked. "No," he replied, "I've never met him."
Racist Stallion (1615) · 30-04-2026 1553I was showing my kids how to skim stones over water today but what a bunch of miserable bastards they are in the local swimming pool.
Siblings garry6291 (641) · 12-02-2026 1943London has such a caring community. I've just seen a group of homeless people giving each other the flu vaccine under a bridge.
Harold-Bisop (76) · 27-12-2025 0121My last girlfriend dumped me when she found out what my mates used to call me in primary school. Jon Venables. (credit: Barry Martin)
Crime theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 14-09-2026 1619I've been trying to come up with a joke about niggers. None of them work.
Racist › Classic Stereotypes Classic Stereotypes Squeaky (1950) · 14-09-2026 0722I got back to my mates flat last night after a session. In his hall he had a huge gong. "what's that?" I asked He said "it's a speaking clock" "how does it work" I asked He picked up a hammer and hit it, two seconds later a voice came through the wall and shouted "for fuck sake it's half past two in the morning!"
Alcohol/Drugs Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 11-09-2026 170125 years on, and I can still remember where I was and what I was doing when the Twin Towers collapsed. Sitting in front of the telly, making jokes about the Twin Towers collapsing.
Dark › Genocide Punchline Genocide Punchline theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 11-09-2026 1015A young boy sat outside his house looking forlorn. A neighbour asked him "what's wrong Johnny"? Little Johnny said "the police have informed me both my parents are dead" "Oh thats terrible" said the neighbour. "Shall I fetch Father O'Neil?" "No thanks. I don't feel like sex right now"
Religion › Catholic Guilt Catholic Guilt Gingerpubes (274) · 07-09-2026 1142Two cops walk up to a group of five Pakis. "We're looking for a paedophile gang..." One of the Pakis replies "We'll do it!"
Muslim innit (959) · 05-09-2026 0954Took the wife to Specsavers yesterday. Even they couldn't see why I married her.
General Squeaky (1950) · 05-09-2026 0822If Adam & Eve were American... They'd have been fine cos there's no way Adam would've been tempted to eat a piece of fresh fruit
Fat / Obesity LennysCrevasse 🥉 (1372) · 04-09-2026 1209After thirty years, police have finally identified the man they believe killed Tupac Shakur, based on a memoir he wrote and numerous TV interviews in which he repeatedly boasted of being the perpetrator. Professor Jason Arday.
Crime Hengist 🥉 (871) · 01-09-2026 1750The weather is very muggy today. Very appropriate for the Notting Hill Carnival.
Racist › Classic Stereotypes Classic Stereotypes ianwatkins 🥉 (2120) · 30-08-2026 1604"What we know about the 33 British nationals missing in Nepal" They're all dead and their lungs are full of mud?
In The News › Weather Extreme Weather Extreme ianwatkins 🥉 (2120) · 28-08-2026 1739So, come up to the lab... And see what's on the slab. Oh, it's me. RIP Frank Furter.
Celebrity Death scotty (549) · 26-08-2026 1716If you rape someone properly, there's no need to kill them. They'll do that themselves
Nashville have said they plan to have a statue of Dolly Parton made. It would be more appropriate to have a bust!
Celebrity Death jjbomber (163) · 25-08-2026 1952The estate agent was showing me round the only flat I could afford. He said "there's the fridge and washing machine, shall we go indoors now."
The go fund me collection for the two policemen tragically killed in Cleveland has reached over £700,000 …..and for the pikey lookalikes…. Two washing machines and old iron gate and a rusty bike with one wheel
In The News › Crime Wave Report Crime Wave Report HaveIGotnews (90) · 25-08-2026 1038Every week, hundreds of sex offenders have go to the police station. To start work.
Little Leroy says to little Tanisha, 'Wanna play Mummies and Daddies?' 'Sure,' she replies. So he fucks off.
Racist theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 22-08-2026 193720% off school clothes at ASDA. I always thought the skirts were too long.
In front of me in the queue at the clothing store yesterday, a young lass was trying to return a pair of knickers. 'I'm sorry,' said the assistant, 'but we can't accept these as you've worn them.' I tapped her on the shoulder and said, 'I'll take them off your hands for the price you paid, if you like.' 'Thanks mister, but I'm a size ten, are you sure these will fit your wife?' 'Errr... yeah, wife, that's it...'
Sex n Shit theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 20-08-2026 2245There's a gang in my area who recruit new members by threatening people with all kinds of horrific punishments if they refuse to join. But enough about the church...
Religion › Catholic Guilt Catholic Guilt theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 19-08-2026 2102For Halloween last year, I bought a George Floyd mask on eBay. Had to send it back though. When I put it on I couldn't breathe.
Death theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 18-08-2026 1618I saw Guardians of the Galaxy last night. We were actually watching The Avengers, but the wife had her sister over, and I asked if I could have a bit of their chocolate.
Fat / Obesity theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 15-08-2026 1520I've taken up meditation. It's better than siting about doing nothing.
Wholesome Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 13-08-2026 1825'Urgent search for three schoolgirls aged 12, 13 and 14.' Not a news headline, my profile info on Tinder.
Pedophile theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 11-08-2026 2005Fellas, if your bride reveals shaved pubes on your wedding night, it means she's a little kinky and will make the effort to keep your sex life interesting throughout your marriage. Ladies, if your husband reveals shaved pubes on your wedding night, it means he got crabs from a hooker on his stag do.
Marriage / Wedding theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 10-08-2026 2012I asked my wife how many men she had slept with. She said "only you" I said "wow, really?" She said "yes, all the others kept me up all night, shagging"
Sex n Shit Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 10-08-2026 1933I can say with confidence that no woman I've ever shagged has faked an orgasm. They're always too busy crying and struggling.
Rape / Sexual Violence theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 09-08-2026 2017At the Library today I asked if they had any books on childbirth. The Librarian said “Try over there in the C section”.
Doctor/Nurse/Medical Baldlice (111) · 02-08-2026 2108Harry and Meghan sailed around a remote island during a secret trip to Scotland. But not quite secret enough to avoid publicity photos.
Celebrities ponga (405) · 02-08-2026 1253My wife went mental last night when i shouted out somebody else's name during sex. "Who the fuck is Dave?" she asked.
Sex n Shit garry6291 (641) · 30-07-2026 0830'Alpacin Caffeine shampoo, German engineering for your hair' Anyone else concerned about trusting German shower products?
Political notbaldbob (1145) · 28-07-2026 0635The Jodrell Bank Observatory, which can see billions of light years into space, has lost its funding and could now close. Strange how they didn't see that coming...
Blind/Partially Sighted ianwatkins 🥉 (2120) · 27-07-2026 1831I walked into work this morning and my boss told me to have good day. So I turned around, walked back out and fucked off to the pub with my mates.
Work/Workplace notbaldbob (1145) · 27-07-2026 1746Just got back from wine-tasting in Bordeaux Must say, this year's Claret has a rather smoky finish
In The News LennysCrevasse 🥉 (1372) · 27-07-2026 1621During sex with the wife, I suddenly stopped and didn't move. She said, "What are you doing?" And I said " I saw this on Pornhub, it's called buffering."
Sex n Shit notbaldbob (1145) · 26-07-2026 1654Marriage, because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Marriage / Wedding notbaldbob (1145) · 26-07-2026 1312A sign above the door where I work says "Once you go black you never come back". You've got to have a sense of humour in the crematorium.
Death notbaldbob (1145) · 26-07-2026 1118My dad’s always been fascinated by our family history, so I bought him a DNA ancestry test for his birthday. He must have thought it was a shit present. He hasn’t spoken to me since. Or Mum, oddly.
Wife WayOutWest (428) · 24-07-2026 0558My wife wanted to feel like she was on Love Island. So I invited a bunch of spastics round and blew up the inflatable paddling pool.
Wife WayOutWest (428) · 21-07-2026 1827My wife walked in on me fucking a girl at work up the arse. She screamed "you can't do this to me!" I said "I know, that's why I'm doing it to her! "
Wife Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 21-07-2026 0900I accidentally swallowed a load of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Silly Allobosca 🥈 (2268) · 20-07-2026 1350My therapist told me I need to stop imagining scenarios. I don't have a therapist.
Self Deprecating innit (959) · 20-07-2026 0949Someone keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off. I think I'm being stalked.
General Squeaky (1950) · 18-07-2026 0900The British people who live on the Falkland Islands are an 'artificially transplanted population' Argentina's white president Javier Milei angrily declares in Spanish.
In The News Hengist 🥉 (871) · 16-07-2026 0959Q. What's better than winning a world cup? A. Winning a war Fuck you Argentina
Sports Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 16-07-2026 0728All women are bi. It's just a matter of figuring out whether she's bipolar or bisexual.
Sex n Shit innit (959) · 15-07-2026 0716I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
It's no wonder our politicians don't prosecute or deport illegal immigrants, grooming gangs, etc. They have far more pressing matters to address, like going through a long legal process in order to cancel the execution of a woman who was hanged for murder seventy years ago.
Political scotty (549) · 09-07-2026 1525I went to Tesco today, turned out they had a special on. He collects the trolleys...
I dumped my girlfriend because she enjoys anal sex. Don't get me wrong I love fucking women up the ass - but only when they hate it.
Rape / Sexual Violence ianwatkins 🥉 (2120) · 07-07-2026 1632I've swapped all the labels on the wife's spice rack in the kitchen. She hasn't noticed yet but mark my words, the thyme is cumin....
"Grooming gangs come from diverse backgrounds" states Home Office as long awaited review is published. Yes, Islamabad, Peshawar, Kabul and Lahore to name but a few..
Don't you hate when you've got a whistle in your nose. I know the ref who sent me off does.
Sports Stallion (1615) · 25-06-2026 1126Confusion over events involving a boy and a crocodile in Huntingdon. Things weren't helped by a dog stealing his sausages while onlookers shouted "that's the way to do it."
Animals scotty (549) · 19-06-2026 2115Gary Glitter likes having sex with underage girls, doesn't like having his picture in the papers, and is always insisting that everyone join his gang. Is it just me, or does anyone else think he might be the reincarnation of the Prophet Mohammed?
Religion theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 19-06-2026 1447Being kissed in your sleep is the purest form of love unless you're home alone or in prison.
Rape / Sexual Violence innit (959) · 18-06-2026 0502I sat near some Chavs on the bus home today. For the whole journey it was just 'F this' and 'F that'. Guess they had to discuss their exam results sometime.
Dumb/Thick theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 12-06-2026 2030My sister held one of those 'gender reveal' parties when she was pregnant. She popped the balloons, and the glitter was pink. In hindsight she should've gone with blue, as her daughter was stillborn.
Dark theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 10-06-2026 1811When people say "he's alright once you get to know him" it actually means "he's a cunt, but you'll get used to it"
Offensive Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 08-06-2026 1112Plastic surgery used to be taboo. Now when you mention Botox nobody raises an eyebrow.
Doctor/Nurse/Medical innit (959) · 24-05-2026 0355I'm making a fortune out of selling home security systems. The sale is easy. All I do is say "Hello." At 3am whilst sitting on the end of their bed.
General Stallion (1615) · 17-05-2026 0951A Frenchman walks into a library and asks for a book on war The librarian replies, Fuck off, you'll lose it
Racist root (238) · 16-05-2026 1833Got sacked from the zoo yesterday for leaving the lion's cage open. Who the fuck is gonna steal a lion?
Animals garry6291 (641) · 14-05-2026 1121A priest gets onto his train and finds his seat, opposite a heavily pregnant lady. She stops knitting to nod hello, and the priest nods back as he takes out his thermos and newspaper. Over the course of the journey, he can't help but notice over his paper that every ten minutes the lady stops knitting, takes out a bottle of tablets, pops two, then goes back to her needles. Eventually, curiosity gets the better of him, and he spies on her pill-popping, and he's shocked to see that the bottle is marked Thalydomide. Stopping her, he stammers "Eh-excuse me m-miss, but don'y you know t-that thal-thalydomide can s-s-seriously harm your b-baby?" "Yes," she replies, "but I can't do sleeves."
Disability Allobosca 🥈 (2268) · 13-05-2026 2114A Miss Switzerland finalist has been killed by her husband, who then put her body parts into a blender. She's now eligible for Miss Whirled.
Murder/Death/Killing scotty (549) · 11-05-2026 2136If I had £10 for every gender, I'd have £20 and a shitload of monopoly money.
LGBTQ4KHDTV+ etc Stallion (1615) · 09-05-2026 1032The Paki bloke at work showed me his tattoo. "Isn't that one of those that wash off,?" I asked. "I don't know," he replied.
Pakistani Stallion (1615) · 13-12-2025 0607He was so poor growing up, his Dad had to keep his Sister pregnant so they could have fresh milk.
Joanna Wietrzyk is sponsored by Puma Pants. (Pronounced "poo ma pants)
Accidents/Injuries › Industrial Mishap Industrial Mishap OkiPaul (190) · 17-09-2026 0421What Prince George can expect on his first day at Eton today. A moist digestive busicuit.
Celebrities ponga (405) · 08-09-2026 1445I can't stand it when women breastfeed in public. There's always a fucking baby in the way of the action.
Sex n Shit › Weird Fetishes Weird Fetishes theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 06-09-2026 2200Home-Ec Teacher: "Now children, how do you make olive spread?" Little Jonny: "Two bottles of Vodka and rohypnol, Miss?"
Adult › One Night Stand One Night Stand LennysCrevasse 🥉 (1372) · 02-09-2026 1714I was walking by the railway line the other day when I noticed a bright yellow phone box by the tracks. Moving closer, I was able to read the words on the side: '24/7 Suicide Helpline' it said. Out of curiosity, I picked up the receiver and put it to my ear. "Now lay down on the tracks," said the voice on the other end.
Suicide › Jumping in Front of Train Jumping in Front of Train Hengist 🥉 (871) · 01-09-2026 1901I accidentally walked into the ladies toilet at work. I was standing over the bowl pissing and a voice behind me said "this is for ladies only" I looked down at my cock and said "so is this, but I have to run some water through it occasionally"
I told the woman sitting in front of me in the bus that she had semen on the back of her hair. She smiled and said, ' It's probably just shampoo. ' ' I don't ejaculate shampoo, ' I replied.
Sex n Shit › Public Sex Public Sex Squeaky (1950) · 29-08-2026 0753I saw a Chinese shoplifter at work and I shouted "hey you" he shouted back "how you know my name?" Coat off the peg already
Crime Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 25-08-2026 1638Loving the tributes to "King Kev" Keegan at St James' Park today. That's what I like to see, KKK flags everywhere.
Football scotty (549) · 23-08-2026 1535Last Christmas I got the Katie Price advent calendar. If you open its flaps you end up with some really thick chocolate.
Disability theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 22-08-2026 1936When I rate my sexual partners out of 10, I'm just guessing their ages.
Pedophile theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 21-08-2026 1957If you are ever stopped by a policeman while doing something you shouldn't, you should always make sure to call him 'sir.' If you need to leg it he will find it much harder to run after you if he has an erection.
Crime Hengist 🥉 (871) · 21-08-2026 1942First James Corden, now the fucking Markles returning to the UK. I'd rather have Shamima Begum back.
Immigration ponga (405) · 20-08-2026 2346I hate my neighbours so much that I've decided to sell my house. To Pakis.
Racist › Classic Stereotypes Classic Stereotypes theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 19-08-2026 2104White smoke has been seen coming from the Sistine Chapel. The Pope hasn't died, he's just torching his hard drive.
Pedophile theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 19-08-2026 1752If I ever get nabbed by one of those online paedo hunter groups, I've got my excuse ready: 'I'm dyslexic. Thought she was 31...'
Pedophile theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 18-08-2026 2145Paddy goes into a Dublin jewellers and asks the shopkeeper, "Excuse me sir, but do you sell potato clocks?" The shopkeeper looks at him and says, "Are you mad ?, We sell cuckoo clocks, carriage clocks, grandfather clocks, alarm clocks... what the feck is a potato clock?" And Paddy says, "I don't know, but I start my new job at nine tomorrow, and the wife said 'You'd better get a potato clock.'...!!!
Dad Jokes OkiPaul (190) · 18-08-2026 0257I was in the queue at the supermarket, and the woman in front had a kid who was running around making a mess and yelling. I said to her, 'If my boy carries on like that, he knows he'll get a sore backside.' 'That's terrible! You should never hit a child!' 'Oh, I've never hit him.'
Incest theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 15-08-2026 2042I've just watched some porn where an interracial couple fuck. She's on her period and the black guy shags her till she bleeds everywhere. It's the Black and White menstrual show.
Sex n Shit › Kinky Sex Kinky Sex Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 15-08-2026 1034Public transport is unbearable in this heat. The weather is so hot that some of the trains are at 45 degrees.
Accidents/Injuries Hengist 🥉 (871) · 14-08-2026 1736I phoned my Glaswegian boss and said I couldn't come in as I had a little cough He said "you have a wee cough?" I said "great, thanks very much"
Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 13-08-2026 1619The BBC is always very keen to cover important social issues like Black Lives Matter, LGBTQ struggles and the ongoing legacy of Britain's involvement in colonialism and slavery and to be honest I find their coverage really inspiring. It inspired me to cancel my TV licence.
Hengist 🥉 (871) · 12-08-2026 1937Today I was told I'm a very attractive man :) By my cellmate :(
Jail/Prison theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 10-08-2026 1607My wife has lost three babies this year. She's on a final written warning at the nursery.
Doctor/Nurse/Medical theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 10-08-2026 1606I'm the kind of man who laughs in the face of diversity.
LGBTQ4KHDTV+ etc theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 10-08-2026 0552I've bought my little lad a hamster for his birthday. It's not a long-term thing though. It's the cat's birthday next week.
Animals theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 10-08-2026 0551Camilla Parker-Bowles. It's what Lady Diana would have looked like if she had survived the car crash.
My wife came back from the hospital and said she'd been diagnosed with Parkinson disease. This is absolutely awful, I've spent the whole day thinking up some great cancer jokes.
Sexist Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 08-08-2026 1754I'm not saying that my wife is fat, but she fell down the stairs last night and I thought I'd just missed Eastenders.
Wife Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 08-08-2026 1105I got into a lift in London, only to find there were half a dozen black youths in it. When the doors closed the one nearest the panel said, 'Yo, what button you want me to push, white boy?' I replied, 'The one with the bell on it, please.'
Racist theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 07-08-2026 0915My 14-year-old daughter came out of her room in a top and shorts that left little to the imagination. I said, 'And where do you think you're going dressed like that, young lady?' 'I'm going down the park with my mates, and you can't stop me!' 'The hell you are! Go to your room and take those off right now!' 'Up yours, Dad! I'm not having you tell me I can only go out if I get changed into something you approve of, you old prude!' 'I don't recall saying anything about getting changed into something else.'
Incest theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 07-08-2026 0913Why's a 16 year old like a five pound note? They're both legal and they're both tender.
Adult ianwatkins 🥉 (2120) · 07-08-2026 0625I'm a producer for the BBC. I don't work there, I just have eight kids.
Pedophile theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 06-08-2026 1529If you're ever attacked by a bear, simply lie down and play dead. It's good practice for what's coming next.
Death theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 06-08-2026 1321When does an Italian woman allow you to piss on her face? When her moustache is on fire.
Racist Squeaky (1950) · 06-08-2026 0905Jokes about incest, child abuse and suicide are not funny. My daughter died that way.
Rape / Sexual Violence Joeydeaconsbastard (1173) · 05-08-2026 2145The police stopped me last night as I was driving home. They said "have you had a drink tonight?" I said yes, 6 pints of Guinness, four whiskey chasers, and a few sambuca shots" They said "blow into this please" I said "what for, don't you believe me?"
Motoring Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 03-08-2026 1815I finally quit drinking for good. Now, I drink FOR EVIL 😈 🍸
Alcohol/Drugs supergalley (2059) · 31-07-2026 1610My sister just announced that she's pregnant by her boyfriend, Leroy. Well I'll be a monkey's uncle!
Racist theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 31-07-2026 1432The suspect in the Berlin terrorist attack was shot in a allotment…do you think he was a plant
In The News HaveIGotnews (90) · 27-07-2026 1034The first thing I thought when I woke up today was, 'Thank God I'm not Iranian.' Not because of the war over there, I'm just racist.
Racist theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 26-07-2026 2153Some of the fucking weird shit parents say in the school WhatsApp group. “Why are you in here? You don’t even have a kid.”
Pedophile WayOutWest (428) · 25-07-2026 1715Congratulations to Amy Winehouse. Fifteen years sober today.
Celebrities supergalley (2059) · 23-07-2026 1236I've heard that supermarkets secretly waft the smell of their .bakery around the store to encourage you to buy bread. I can only come to the conclusion that my local paki shop is trying to sell more toilet rolls.
Racist notbaldbob (1145) · 21-07-2026 0616Massive congratulations to Andy Burnham who today takes office as Britain's last Labour Prime Minister!
Political Hengist 🥉 (871) · 20-07-2026 0535My mate went to get a tattoo of an Indian on his back. Half way through he said, "Don't forget to put a big tomahawk in his hand." The tattooist said "For fuck sake, give us a chance mate, I've only just finished his turban!"
General notbaldbob (1145) · 16-07-2026 1353I've been watching so much porn lately, I've started spitting on my front door lock before I put the key in
Sex n Shit notbaldbob (1145) · 16-07-2026 1348I phoned the Alcoholic Helpline. "So," I asked, "how do you make a mojito?"
Alcohol/Drugs Stallion (1615) · 11-07-2026 0735If I could go back in time I'd kill Hitler. Right after I raped Marilyn Monroe.
Celebrities ianwatkins 🥉 (2120) · 11-07-2026 0222I had a goldfish that could breakdance on the carpet. Only for like 20 seconds. And only once.
Silly notbaldbob (1145) · 10-07-2026 1054I'm just watching the Tour de France. I don't know why they bother, the bloke at the front on the motorbike wins every year.
Sports Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 08-07-2026 1935"I've shaved my pubes if you fancy a bit", my wife said seductively. "Yeah, gimme a bag full and I'll insulate the loft", I replied.
I just tried to explain to my 4-year-old grandson that it's perfectly normal to accidentally shit your pants, but he's still making fun of me.
Babies garry6291 (641) · 06-07-2026 0817A Saudi judge is standing over a dozen condemned men in a prison courtyard. "All of you have been convicted of theft for a third time," the judge says. "And as you know, under shariah law the penalty for a third theft offence is death." The prisoners all start trembling and whimpering as the judge gestures towards the state executioner, eagerly sharpening his beheading sword. "However," the judge says, with clear disappointment. "Our Glorious King has recently been petitioned by the United Nations to adopt a more liberal style justice system." Some of the prisoners look up hopefully while others pray quietly to Allah. "As such," the judge sighs. "Those convicted of a third theft are henceforth to be given a choice between beheading and participation in a half-day Offender Rehabilitation Workshop." The prisoner's mouths drop open. Many start sobbing with joy. "So," the judge says. "Hands up everyone who wants to do the workshop."
Religion Hengist 🥉 (871) · 02-07-2026 2310I've just been to visit the wife's grave. Bless her, she still thinks I'm digging a pond.
Guns N Roses update a classic to be released next week for Muslims. Sweet child of nine
Muslim Gingerpubes (274) · 29-06-2026 1424I was walking past a group of teenagers earlier when one of them shouted, 'Oi, mate! That suit makes you look like a paedo!' I replied, 'Yeah, I got it on Savile Row.'
Pedophile theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 28-06-2026 1450Prince Harry to take Archie and Lilibet to his mother Diana's grave for the first time. With a gentle reminder that this is what happens if either of you fuck an Arab.
Muslim ponga (405) · 27-06-2026 0958When I first met my future wife I thought "wow, what an arse!" Sadly, she thought the same about me.
Wife Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 26-06-2026 1919I finally got my hands on some Rohypnol, but I'm a bit confused. On the packet it says 'Best Before Date', but then there's no numbers or anything.
Rape / Sexual Violence theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 20-06-2026 1024My three favourite things are eating out my friends and not using commas.
Wordplay innit (959) · 19-06-2026 0409Always remember when we went to see Evel Knieval's brother Klu Klux Knieval. He ran over 52 niggers with a steam roller.
Racist Squeaky (1950) · 16-06-2026 0921I got fired from the advertising agency for proposing a new KFC slogan: The taste so savoury you'll forget about slavery!
Racist ianwatkins 🥉 (2120) · 16-06-2026 0237I took a girl back to my house for sex last night. After going upstairs, I slowly removed my clothes and climbed under the quilt. "You'll have to be really quiet," I whispered, "My mum & dad are asleep." "I can see that," she said, "Have you not got your own bed?"
Sex n Shit garry6291 (641) · 15-06-2026 0816Spiders are like girls. I only feel all right about touching the little ones.
Pedophile theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 14-06-2026 2100A foreign bloke is waiting in the immigration queue to get into Britain when a policeman approaches. "Please come with me, sir," he says. "But why?" the man protests. "We have received a tip-off that you are a violent schizophrenic who has links to several terrorist organizations and an outstanding warrant for rape." "So I am under arrest then?" he asks. "No, sir. You qualify for the fast-track queue."
The wife and I was going through a really bad time and we made the decision together to kill ourselves. She went first then all of a sudden I felt much better.
Disease/Illness Joeydeaconsbastard (1173) · 07-06-2026 1910Breaking news: three cliff walkers fall to their death in lake district. What are the chances? they all had the same name!
Accidents/Injuries Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 07-06-2026 1844Sick of having your house burgled by niggers? Save money on home security by simply writing the words "Job Centre" on your door
Racist root (238) · 02-06-2026 1853I asked my wife if I could fuck her up the arse. She said "why the hell would I let you do that?" I said "well, you take everything else the wrong way"
Sex n Shit Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 02-06-2026 0818Everyone on earth is racist. Us whites are just better at it, like we are at most things.
Racist Stallion (1615) · 21-05-2026 1922What's red, white, fluffy and sits in a tree? Sanitary Owl
Animals Allobosca 🥈 (2268) · 16-05-2026 1835My emo son sighed and asked, "Why am I even here?" "Because my credit card was declined at the abortion clinic," I replied.
Dark Stallion (1615) · 15-05-2026 1032The wife and I went dogging last night. By the time she parked the car, everyone had fucked off.
Sex n Shit Squeaky (1950) · 09-05-2026 0929As I answered the front door dressed in high heals, stockings & suspenders, leather mini skirt and bright red lipstick, the Avon lady asked "Hello Sir, is your wife at home"?. To which I replied "Take a wild guess love!"
AIDS randypecker (61) · 08-12-2025 1524Wayne Rooney has just finished The Joy Of Sex Joy, 100, is now recovering in intensive care
Dark LennysCrevasse 🥉 (1372) · 22-09-2026 0933A sign in the window of my local corner shop says, 'This place is NOT called The Paki Shop!' Excellent! About time they were white-owned.
Pakistani › Corner Shop Corner Shop theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 19-09-2026 1022I tried using the online Alzheimer's support service but I can't remember my login details
Hengist 🥉 (871) · 19-09-2026 0748Two-inch dick: "It's tiny!" she laughed. Two-inch spider: "It's enormous!" she screamed. So I've had a spider tattooed on my dick.
General › Everyday Life Everyday Life Dristarg (167) · 12-09-2026 1006My wife dresses to kill. Unfortunately she cooks the same way.
Wife Squeaky (1950) · 11-09-2026 0735My nickname for my cock is Prince. It's small and purple, and hasn't stood up since 2016.
Celebrity Death › Died Too Young Died Too Young theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 11-09-2026 0546What does my cock and Israel have in common? It’s small, it fucks women and children and a total cunt is in charge of it.
Jewish Cockwomble (156) · 10-09-2026 1705First they didn't know what a woman is. Now they don't know what a murderer is.
In The News › Trial of the Century Trial of the Century innit (959) · 10-09-2026 1429Angela Rayner has pledged to end homelessness in the UK within the next three years. Labour will build more bridges for them to sleep under.
Political Squeaky (1950) · 06-09-2026 0759The Labour MP for Dover has expressed his anger at large-scale masked protests at the port today. "These are not the hordes of unidentified military aged men the Labour Party wants here!" He declared.
Boats Hengist 🥉 (871) · 05-09-2026 2155If Adam and Eve had been Albanian... They would have tried to sneak back into Eden in the back of a lorry
Religion Hengist 🥉 (871) · 03-09-2026 2349The Lindsay Clancy case is taking so long because 3 men are trying to explain to 9 women that hormones don't excuse child murder.
In The News innit (959) · 01-09-2026 1208Jack and his date, Blossom were parked on a back road some distance from Newcastle, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from Newcastle: Things were getting hot and heavy when Blossom stopped Jack. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge £120 for sex." She said. Jack just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly paid her and they went on to have mind blowing sex for the next hour. After they were done and had smoked a cigarette, Jack just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" Asked Blossom "Well." Jack replied with a grin on his face. "I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a Taxi Driver and the fare back to Newcastle is £130."
Prostitution / Sex Worker supergalley (2059) · 01-09-2026 0325Bonnie Blue gives birth to first child. She was in labour for nearly 20 seconds.
Sex n Shit › Group Sex Group Sex theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 31-08-2026 1911My wife asked me to rock our baby to sleep. All I've managed to determine so far is that he's not a big Slayer fan.
Babies › Sleep Deprivation Sleep Deprivation theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 30-08-2026 2049I met this really hot girl who was into green issues and the environment in a big way. She later dumped me when she found out my erection wasn't sustainable.
Green /Environment / Carbon Neutral Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 27-08-2026 1912I'm so ugly I have to roofie my hand.
Rape / Sexual Violence theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 27-08-2026 1801All this rain on the same weekend as Manchester Pride. It's as if God hates gay people.
AIDS › Gay Plague Era Gay Plague Era ianwatkins 🥉 (2120) · 27-08-2026 1515Ask your wife to sit on her hand til it goes numb, before wanking you off. It'll feel like her sister's doing it.
Wife scotty (549) · 27-08-2026 1236The best part about having schizophrenia is that a wank turns into an orgy!
Mentally Ill/Mental Health innit (959) · 27-08-2026 0647I was trying to chat up a girl in a bar. She said " I wouldn't sleep with you if you were the last man on earth" I said "if I were the last man on earth, who would stop me?"
Sex n Shit Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 26-08-2026 1550My pikey neighbour keeps all his cash under a mattress. Good idea, I'd never think of looking in the front garden either.
Gypsies Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 25-08-2026 1303Pure Cremation: Because your kids would rather spend your money on a new car anyway
Death › Funeral Funeral Hengist 🥉 (871) · 19-08-2026 2104I always think it's weird that African-Americans are such fast runners. I mean, the one thing they all have in common is that they are descended from people who couldn't run fast enough when it mattered.
Racist Hengist 🥉 (871) · 18-08-2026 1724According to the Scouting association, the UK's largest group of brownies is in Bradford.
Racist Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 14-08-2026 1454Got my new business idea: It's an app that matches depressives who want to end it all with train drivers who fancy six months paid leave.
Suicide Hengist 🥉 (871) · 14-08-2026 1359'And here's a few magazines to get you started.' If you're European, something you might hear in a sperm bank. If you're American, something you might hear on your way to school.
Murder/Death/Killing theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 13-08-2026 2035What do you call someone who has a deformed foot,a nasty speech impediment ,a large hump on his back and only one eye. Names.
Disability Squeaky (1950) · 13-08-2026 0752I'm apauled by casual racism in this country. That's why I always wear a suit and tie to abuse wogs.
Racist Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 12-08-2026 0901I've just published a book about telekinesis. It's a bestseller, absolutely flying off the shelves
Silly Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 11-08-2026 1805My girlfriend said to me "Tonight I want anal sex" I said "What's that"? She replied "I want you to fuck me up the arse" "Oh that's what it called" I said "when I was a boy my uncle called it Shush".
Incest Joeydeaconsbastard (1173) · 08-08-2026 2121Jason Arday, the Cambridge professor accused of plagiarism and fabricating numerous extraordinary achievements has resigned. Professor Arday says that he has quit his post in order to devote more time to his work as an astronaut for NASA, a secret agent for MI6 and his new job as the headmaster of Hogwarts.
Hengist 🥉 (871) · 08-08-2026 1632Why are gay men so rude? Because they are all fucking arseholes.
Sex n Shit Squeaky (1950) · 08-08-2026 0809It is terrible how much class snobbery affects the way different people are judged for doing the same things. It's classy and impressive when the ninth viscount such-and-such shows off his collection of swords and armour to the English Heritage members touring his family's ancestral castle but when I show my social worker the large collection of machetes and Bowie knives I keep in my one bedroom council flat I get referred to the Prevent programme.
Murder/Death/Killing Hengist 🥉 (871) · 07-08-2026 2239I phoned my mate to ask if he thought it's okay to wank over my ex-wife. "Sure," he said. "It's not as if she'll ever know." "She might," I replied. "I mean, she's asleep at the moment, but...." "You mean you're actually in her room?" he said, shaken. "Christ mate, she'd better not wake up!!" Great. I was already feeling guilty about the wank, now he tells me I've got to kill her as well.
Murder/Death/Killing scotty (549) · 04-08-2026 1217I have to say, I was disappointed by the efforts made this year to mark International Women's Day. My local strip club only had a couple of foreign birds on, and frankly their tits were nothing to write home about.
Sexist theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 02-08-2026 1242Little Johnny runs to his mum shouting "Mummy Mummy daddy has hanged himself in the basement". His breaks down in tears goes down to the basement and daddy is no where to be seen. Little Johnny starts laughing and says to her. "Gotcha..... he did it in the garage ".
Death Joeydeaconsbastard (1173) · 31-07-2026 1037The first-aid instructor told us to practise mouth-to-mouth. I thought the five-minute struggle meant I was doing it properly. Then she pointed at the mannequin.
Silly WayOutWest (428) · 29-07-2026 2112Renault 5 - what's yours called? Mine's called Meghan Markle. It's black, unreliable and costs a fortune to run! (Apparently, disposing of it would lose a small fortune!)
jjbomber (163) · 28-07-2026 1438My grandad was tortured by the Japanese during the war. They cut his tongue out. But he never talked about it.
Dark Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 28-07-2026 0714Whaddaya call a woman with one leg shorter than the other? Eileen. Whaddaya call a Japanese woman with one leg shorter than the other? Irene. (credit: the school playground, yonks ago)
theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 25-07-2026 0916A teacher says to her class, "can anyone give me a .sentence with the word dandelion in it". A little Jamaican lad puts up his hand. "Yes Desmond" says the teacher. "Da cheetah is faster dandelion miss".
Silly notbaldbob (1145) · 24-07-2026 2120Those birthing pools are quite popular in China nowadays. They make the whole childbirth experience much more relaxed and natural, plus they're really handy if the baby turns out to be a girl.
Dark theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 24-07-2026 2102Teacher says to little Jonny, "There are twenty birds on a wall. The farmer shoots six of them. How many are left?" "None miss", he says "Explain?", replies the teacher "Well, he fires the gun. The noise scares them so they all fly away" The teacher is impressed and says, "That's not the right answer but I like the way you think" After the lesson, little Jonny approaches the teacher and asks her a question: "Miss, there are three women each eating an ice-lolly. One is sucking theirs, one is biting and the other one is licking - which one is married?" "Ermmm, I suppose the one who is, errr, sucking?" "No it's the one with the ring on her finger - but I like the way you think"
A Muslim lady was denied entrance into McDonalds today until she removes her hijab. Should have gone to Burka king.
Muslim notbaldbob (1145) · 23-07-2026 0531I used to think my GP had bad handwriting. Then I fed it through Google Lens. Turns out it's in Arabic.
Pakistani innit (959) · 23-07-2026 0150I call my wife Bambi. She thinks its because she's cute with big brown eyes. Actually it's because I would like someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle.
Marriage / Wedding notbaldbob (1145) · 22-07-2026 0557Air travel is the safest form of transport. Safer than driving? Yes. Safer than the train? Yes. Safer than taking a coach? Yes. Safer than riding a bicycle? Yes. Safer than walking? Yes. Alright. But you've still got to get to the fucking airport haven't you?
Aviation ianwatkins 🥉 (2120) · 20-07-2026 2137I ran out of toilet paper earlier, so I had to say 'Goodbye Socks!' It was a daft name for a hamster anyway.
Animals theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 19-07-2026 1655I was out on the town last night and I ended up staggering about the place, bouncing off the walls and throwing up all over myself. I reckon some fucker must've spiked my 15th pint.
Alcohol/Drugs theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 19-07-2026 1436I was sitting in the pub doing a Crossword when I turned to my Scottish mate and said.."I'm stuck on one.. Stranded On An Island, eight letters." "Marooned" He said. "About fucking time" I replied. "I'll have a lager."
Silly notbaldbob (1145) · 17-07-2026 0818What does a Scouse bird use for sexual protection? A bus shelter
Scousers Irishstu (189) · 16-07-2026 1941As I pointed the gun at my wife’s face I said, “Any last words?” Three hours later, I shot her.
Wife notbaldbob (1145) · 16-07-2026 0537Simply put a % sign after your age to see how dead you are.
Death notbaldbob (1145) · 15-07-2026 0533I walked into the book shop and said to the girl behind the counter. "I'm looking for a book by Shakespeare". "Which one?", she asked. "William you thick cunt"!
I was chatting with an off duty police officer at a bar in New York. "I'll never forget nine eleven" he said, while staring mournfully into his whisky. "I should hope not! It's your feckin phone number!"
Aviation OkiPaul (190) · 12-07-2026 0203You've got to hand it to Tom Cruise... Otherwise he'd never be able to reach it in the first place
Ann Widdecombe has been murdered. I think we can safely rule out a jealous lover.
Murder/Death/Killing scotty (549) · 10-07-2026 1705The death penalty for terrorists is being discussed in parliament and the house of lords again. Those suicide bombers must be shitting themselves.
Death notbaldbob (1145) · 10-07-2026 1050My wife said she's leaving me because I'm an annoying cunt. I almost choked on my vuvuzela...
Kids today just don't know how well off they are. I was orphaned at an early age and raised by a pack of hyenas. No posh house, no toys, facing starvation... But boy did we have some laughs.
Ten years ago I went through a procedure where I had my spine and both testicles removed. I got some great wedding presents though.
General Squeaky (1950) · 07-07-2026 0918Do Africans have a "Lynx Britain" that smells like cigarettes, disappointment, and beer...?
A bad workman always blames his fools... TOOLS!! I meant tools! Stupid fucking keyboard...
I got stopped by customs at the airport. "Is it ok to search your bags sir"? "Why"? 'We are looking for illegal drugs etc" "In that case.....no"
Aviation garry6291 (641) · 05-07-2026 1814Breast implants. Worth splashing out on.
Sex n Shit theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 04-07-2026 0730What is the difference between a breeze block and STDs? A 3 year old can't carry a breeze block
Pedophile root (238) · 02-07-2026 2049What's black and white and tells the pope to fuck off? A nun who's won the lottery.
Religion Allobosca 🥈 (2268) · 02-07-2026 0936I've got a date tonight with a girl from Thailand. I just hope I don't end up blowing it.
LGBTQ4KHDTV+ etc theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 01-07-2026 2040I do feel a bit sorry for the Germans being knocked out so early. I bet most of them aren't even in the mood to poo on each other tonight.
Sex n Shit ianwatkins 🥉 (2120) · 30-06-2026 1842I've just finished a bird table and my Mrs has gone mental. I only put her at no. 4
Wife Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 30-06-2026 1819My mate goes to the gym religiously every week. He looks like a right cunt on the treadmill dressed as a vicar.
Just been to a beastiality orgy. Every man and his dog was there.
Sex n Shit Joeydeaconsbastard (1173) · 29-06-2026 1838Did you know your blood group can actually change during your life? I gave blood for the first time years ago, and afterwards I got a letter telling me my blood group was O Positive. I gave blood again recently, and this morning I got a letter telling me my blood group is now HIV Positive. How cool is that?
AIDS theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 28-06-2026 1257I'm taking my girlfriend to have an abortion tomorrow. I'm really looking forward to hearing the splatter of tiny feet.
Death theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 26-06-2026 1409A study has found that vegans are significantly more likely to suffer broken bones. Well, they will keep going on and on about it...
Vegan/Vegetarian theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 25-06-2026 2019Did you know that a child phones Child Abuse every 10 minutes. That cunt needs a fucking slap.
Dark Stallion (1615) · 25-06-2026 1130Residents of a flagship housing estate in Poole, Dorset, are “appalled” after a Thai massage parlour operating from a garden cabin was granted retrospective planning permission. I like a news story that has a happy ending.
Prostitution / Sex Worker theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 24-06-2026 1129I organised a night out for survivors of female genital mutilation, but none of them could come.
Wordplay theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 23-06-2026 1719It's so hot, I'm sweating like a pikey doing a spelling test.
Gypsies Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 23-06-2026 1635A Mexican married a Nigger. They had a son who was too lazy to steal.
Racist Squeaky (1950) · 23-06-2026 0901That children's story about Goldilocks and the Three Bears isn't really all that far-fetched. Once upon a time a little girl was found in my bed, and I ended up doing porridge.
Pedophile theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 23-06-2026 0615I find it impossible to get laid these days. Which is ironic as I'm egg shaped.
Adult Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 22-06-2026 0639What's big, purple and comes up your rear end unexpectedly? The EMR express from Bedford.
In The News ianwatkins 🥉 (2120) · 20-06-2026 0855You wouldn't believe how much my boss moans about me using my phone at work. I mean, honestly, it's not like it affects my ability to do my job. With all the technology these days the train practically drives i
Jamie Varley sentenced to whole life term for raping and murdering infant boy he adopted with his partner John McGowan-Fazakerley who was sentenced to 25 years. In other news: Happy Pride Month!
LGBTQ4KHDTV+ etc ianwatkins 🥉 (2120) · 19-06-2026 0739Had this dream I was shagging Karen carpenter and Lena zavaroni. Two birds one stone.
Silly Joeydeaconsbastard (1173) · 18-06-2026 2124News: Brazilian woman without a safety cord attached falls 130ft to her death in bungle jump.
Wordplay theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 18-06-2026 1605Been watching Portugal playing Congo, and I'm sorely disappointed. Didn't see a single one of them drinking UmBongo.
Sports scotty (549) · 17-06-2026 1813I'm so glad the world cup is on. I can hang my England flag without being accused of being a fucking racist.
Sports Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 15-06-2026 1746When I'm driving my ice cream van around the streets, my biggest fear is that one day the real ice cream van will turn up at the same time.
Pedophile theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 15-06-2026 0601I fell asleep with my phone under my pillow. The next morning my phone was gone and there was a pound coin in its place. Fucking Bluetooth fairy!
Wordplay Stallion (1615) · 13-06-2026 0625I'd never say that my sister's baby is ugly or anything... ...but let's just say I'd feel safe leaving her in a Portuguese hotel room while I went out for tapas.
Babies Hengist 🥉 (871) · 07-06-2026 1740A 15-year-old girl who got into difficulty swimming in the sea at a beach has died. She was described as "a bubbly person".
In The News nausicaa (127) · 30-05-2026 1314There are 27 bones in your hand. 28 when you're feeling lonely.
Sex n Shit innit (959) · 30-05-2026 1004What's the the best thing about shagging a fat bird? You're guaranteed a cracking breakfast in the morning.
Fat / Obesity Squeaky (1950) · 29-05-2026 1011I wish they would bring back plastic straws. I find it quite tiresome having to strangle turtles with my bare hands.
Animals Stallion (1615) · 29-05-2026 0655If you don't believe in human perseverance you clearly haven't seen a smoker trying to use a broken lighter
root (238) · 28-05-2026 2055Whenever I see my wife and her sister together... I wonder where Cinderella is.
Wife Stallion (1615) · 21-05-2026 1204If I win the Lotto I'll make sure that none of my friends or neighbours is poor. I'm going to move to a wealthy neighborhood.
Gambling Stallion (1615) · 15-05-2026 1646I asked my wife if she would like me to buy her a diamond ring for our wedding anniversary. ' I would like nothing better, ' she replied. I decided to go with that option.
Wife Squeaky (1950) · 13-05-2026 0922I threw a ball for my dog tonight. He looked fucking brilliant on the dance floor in a tuxedo.
Animals Stallion (1615) · 10-05-2026 1417How do you get a pikey to take a bath? Leave it outside the front of your house.
General Squeaky (1950) · 08-05-2026 0946Why does Pornhub think women over 40 are " barely legal"
Adult Jimfixeditforme (547) · 04-05-2026 1301What's the difference between a military base and a school? Don't ask me, I only fly the drone.
Political Stallion (1615) · 01-03-2026 1035The school phoned me and said "Can you come down, your son has been telling lies again" I said "Well tell him he's good, i haven't got any kids"
Adult garry6291 (641) · 14-01-2026 1935Probably the sickest joke I ever wrote. Abdul my next door neighbour came round crying and distraught, "My baby girl has died in her cot in the night he cried. " "Oh dear, " I said trying not to laugh, "never mind Abdul, just think of her as another virgin in paradise now for your brave soldiers. "
Offensive Kimjongreject (287) · 09-12-2025 1100Did you know that white people own more dogs than black people. That's because it's illegal to own black people now.
Racist Stallion (1615) · 08-12-2025 1917Asylum seekers were taught how to avoid having sex with underage girls in Britain A better lesson would be how to avoid Britain.
Sex n Shit ponga (405) · 21-09-2026 0153My favourite teacher in high school was Mr Blackwell, in Geography. One of those really laid-back, easy-going cool teachers, you know the sort. I wouldn't have swapped him for all the tea in Denmark.
School/College/University theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 20-09-2026 1735My mate asked me, "What do you spend on a bottle of wine?". "I dunno, about 20 minutes, half an hour I guess", I replied.
spike125 🥈 (2112) · 20-09-2026 1138I once said boo to a goose. Fuck the rules.
How do you stop a grooming gang? Chuck em a cricket ball
Pakistani › Grooming Gang Grooming Gang LennysCrevasse 🥉 (1372) · 19-09-2026 1809Words like 'Paki' and 'nigger' don't bother me. Just the people.
Racist › Slur Encyclopedia Slur Encyclopedia theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 19-09-2026 1757My doctor's prescribed me some haemorrhoid cream. On the label it says, 'For External Use Only'. My neighbours aren't too chuffed.
Silly › Toilet Humour Light Toilet Humour Light theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 19-09-2026 1123Man who was duct-taped on flight after outburst breaks his silence. He told reporters; 'Mmmmmmf! Mmmmf! Mmmmmfffff!'
Silly theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 17-09-2026 2031The way Feminazis are going on about Sydney Sweeney's new ad you'd think she strangled three kids or something.
In The News › Tabloid Scandal Tabloid Scandal innit (959) · 17-09-2026 1316As a Muslim I remember where I was on 9/11 Sat at home wondering how my dad's first flying lesson was going. Only joking I was outside the primary school selecting my 2nd wife
Racist › Mixed Race Mixed Race Jeffstelling (11) · 11-09-2026 1608I can't wait until Bonnie Blue's kid is old enough to Google her Mother.
Sex n Shit › Public Sex Public Sex ponga (405) · 10-09-2026 0436Russell Howard will host a Stand-Up Gala at The O2, in support of families affected by premature birth, stillbirth and neonatal death. He's going to need some pretty sick material for that. Gentlemen, I sense a challenge.
Babies › Sudden Infant Death Sudden Infant Death scotty (549) · 09-09-2026 1853My wife woke up with a big smile on her face this morning. I fucking love felt tip pens.
Silly › Childlike Childlike Squeaky (1950) · 09-09-2026 0742An abortion goes into a pub. "Plain tonic please mate, I've already had the gin."
Babies › Abortion Punchline Abortion Punchline scotty (549) · 08-09-2026 1753It's hard to describe the sadness I experience when I hear that a child has died. Or the relief if it turns out to be a black child.
Racist Squeaky (1950) · 07-09-2026 0722I was once charged with leaving the scene of an accident. It wasn't on purpose, I just didn't have my seatbelt on.
Accidents/Injuries › Car Crash Car Crash theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 06-09-2026 2159A Catholic bishop and his secretary are searching for a suitable headmaster for a new Catholic school that the diocese is building. "What about Father O'Leary?" asks the bishop. "He has experience teaching a Sunday school back in the eighties." "I'm afraid not, your grace," says the secretary, checking his papers. "Several former pupils have accused Father O'Leary of molesting them and he is currently under investigation." "Damn," says the bishop. "Then what about Father McDermott? He did a lot of good work as the chaplain at that Young Offenders Institution back in the nineties." "Sadly, your grace," says the secretary, checking his papers. "Father McDermott is also being investigated after former inmates accused him of sexual abuse." "Him as well?" says the bishop. "Well what about Father O'Connell? I recall he was a wonderful choirmaster back in the early two thousands." "No, your grace," says the secretary, checking his papers. "Also under investigation. He's been accused of several historic rapes by former choirboys." "Jesus Christ!" cries the bishop. "Don't we have any priests in this diocese who aren't being accused of historic sexual abuse?" "Well there is Father Creevey, your grace," says the secretary, checking his papers. "He hasn't had a single complaint of sexual misconduct in his thirty year career." "I don't think I remember him," says the bishop. "Does he have any experience working with children?" "Oh yes, your grace," says the secretary. "He did excellent work as the resident chaplain at the children's hospice."
Pedophile Hengist 🥉 (871) · 06-09-2026 1714It's a good job Michael Caine was up against the Zulus and not the Japanese. 'Don't shoot til you see the whites of their eyes, lads...'
Racist › Classic Stereotypes Classic Stereotypes theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 05-09-2026 1631My neighbours asked if I would babysit their kids for £20 an hour. I said well they're kind of ugly, I'll only pay £15 an hour.
Pedophile › Family Friend Family Friend ianwatkins 🥉 (2120) · 05-09-2026 1510Gloria Steinem will be doing the dishes for Jesus tonight!
Celebrity Death theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 04-09-2026 0542If Adam & Eve had been German... They'd have used the snake for auto-erotic asphyxiation and repeatedly shoved the apple up eachother's arses
My wife rang me earlier. "Where are you?" She screamed. "I've been stuck outside this house in the rain for an hour!" "I'm having a few beers with the boys," I said. "Well I need you to come and open the door for me," she snapped. "I've forgot my key." "Calm down," I replied. "I'll send Tony through from the kitchen."
Adult garry6291 (641) · 02-09-2026 2015I watched with pride as semen dribbled down my wife's chin. ' Did you enjoy that,love, ' I said. ' .....what did you say was on that sandwich? ' she mumbled.
General Squeaky (1950) · 02-09-2026 0818A dwarf psychic goes into a bookies with a sawn off and robs the place and flees. The headline reads Small medium at large
Wordplay › Puns Puns Gingerpubes (274) · 29-08-2026 1947It's really sad that Dolly didn't make it to nine-ty five. Fuck off admin, that's my best shot.
Celebrities › Cancelled Celebrities Cancelled Celebrities MoistenReady69 (37) · 25-08-2026 2133I never could understand "the wicker man" film If that copper hadn't been such a prude, he could have fucked the arse off Britt Ekland AND not got burned to a crisp.
Religion › Cults Cults Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 25-08-2026 1252My 90 year old mum had a funny turn and we called an ambulance. The paramedic asked her, "what's the date?" she knew that "where do you live?" she knew that "who's the prime minister?" She looked at him and said "that's not a fair question, but whoever it is they're a cunt"
Age/Elderly Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 22-08-2026 1719They say Auschwitz is the sort of place everyone should go to, but only once A bit like the inmates then
Katie Price is spred eagled in front of her gynaecologist and he says "Now let's have a look at your battered old musty minge...Now let's have a look at your battered old musty minge". She said "Why did you say that twice"? The gynaecologist replied "I didn't,that was an echo".
Celebrities Joeydeaconsbastard (1173) · 16-08-2026 1911If anyone is interested, I've got some blinding deals on fake eclipse glasses.
In The News Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 12-08-2026 1442There's a poster outside my local Asda that says, 'UK Baby Retailer of the Year'. They never seem to have any out on the shelves.
Silly theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 11-08-2026 1756If Tottenham Hotspur are a predominantly Jewish club, why is their club badge a homage to Hitler? A cock and one ball
Football shaker (11) · 11-08-2026 1445My teenage daughter has just been diagnosed with cancer which means she will lose all of her body hair, including on her head Oh well, you win some you lose some
Cancer LennysCrevasse 🥉 (1372) · 11-08-2026 1329"Jesus loves you".... Comforting to hear in church, terrifying to hear in a Mexican prison...
spike125 🥈 (2112) · 11-08-2026 0127Martin Luther King once said, 'I have a dream.' Bet it was about fried chicken and watermelon.
Racist theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 10-08-2026 2317When my wife was giving birth, screaming in agony she turned to me and yelled "You did this to me!" I looked her in the eye and said calmly "If you remember darling, I wanted to fuck you in the ass but you said it would hurt too much."
I was looking through dating site profiles, and I found this single mother. Her profile info said, 'So you know from the start, I'm a package deal. Love me, love my kids.' That's the plan...
Pedophile theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 06-08-2026 2125It's a bit cloudy today. I should see a urologist.
Doctor/Nurse/Medical ianwatkins 🥉 (2120) · 06-08-2026 1921I want my kids to have everything I never had. Unfortunately for them, I never had an abusive father.
Incest theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 06-08-2026 1647"Grasshopper, when you can snatch the pebble from my hand, it will be time for you to lea....." "Bastard......best of three?"
Adult garry6291 (641) · 05-08-2026 1555I was scrolling through some disgusting child abuse videos on the dark web and I thought "this is great, no ads"
Babies Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 05-08-2026 1054Two vultures are eating Bill Oddie. On says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
Celebrities ianwatkins 🥉 (2120) · 27-07-2026 2222Sixteen- and seventeen-year-olds may be given a midnight social-media curfew. Good. It’s unhealthy for them to be awake at 2am blocking me.
In The News WayOutWest (428) · 27-07-2026 1840Stood at the bus stop next to a man with one arm and he was wearing is watch on his stump. So being the nosy cunt I am I said "How come you don't wear your watch on your good arm"? And he replied "Well how the fuck would I be able to wind it up".
Accidents/Injuries Joeydeaconsbastard (1173) · 27-07-2026 1834Did you know that anal sex is still illegal in Iceland? Not sure if its the same in Tesco's so be careful.
Sex n Shit notbaldbob (1145) · 27-07-2026 1834A ship was wrecked and the only survivor was a man and his dog . After weeks at sea, the man was starving so he killed and ate the dog. As he sat in the lifeboat staring at a pile of bones, he thought "Rover would have loved those"
Silly Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 27-07-2026 0838I saw a hearse today. The wreath said "Dad" They missed the e out.
Death Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 26-07-2026 1901If you refuse to pay your TV licence, you can be sent to prison. Where, ironically, you'll get plenty of free BBC.
Jail/Prison notbaldbob (1145) · 26-07-2026 1707A coffee enema is supposed to be really good for your liver. Pro tip: leave it to cool down a bit first.
Accidents/Injuries theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 26-07-2026 1510I bought some IKEA furniture yesterday. Strange… nowhere in the instructions did it say, “Tell your wife to fuck off and leave you alone.”
Marriage / Wedding WayOutWest (428) · 25-07-2026 2044I coughed up a bit of phlegm and sneezed at the same time. Then a scouser appeared and said "Not bad mate, how are you?"
I went into my bank yesterday. The girl on the desk had a badge on that said "Pat" Long story short, I do all my banking on line now
Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 24-07-2026 2245My wife and I were discussing future space tourism and what it might be like to live somewhere with no atmosphere. Whilst in Milton Keynes…
Marriage / Wedding WayOutWest (428) · 24-07-2026 2236I've just become the leap frog world record holder On the down side I'm now banned from entering any mosques.
Religion notbaldbob (1145) · 24-07-2026 2127I had a very difficult childhood. My mum died when she was 12 and my dad was a peadophile.
Dark Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 23-07-2026 0818Not an original. Heard it somewhere. Boy said to his mate "Walked past your house earlier. Your mum reminds me of a bond girl." "Very funny don't tell me Pussy Galore" "No but funnily enough she was On A Blackman"
Wordplay Gingerpubes (274) · 22-07-2026 1909Madeleine McCann's younger brother, 21, is to swim for Scotland at the Commonwealth Games. His parents will not be attending as they have a dinner engagement.
Sports ponga (405) · 22-07-2026 0443I must say I am a bit concerned about the rise in political violence in Britain. That's three politicians murdered since 2016. We're starting to look like some dysfunctional third world country like South Sudan or the United States.
Murder/Death/Killing Hengist 🥉 (871) · 21-07-2026 1746"Woman to milk 10,000 cows in 10 days for farming charity" In pre-mechanised times that skill would be transferable in a Bonnie Blue context.
Sex n Shit nausicaa (127) · 20-07-2026 1120Scientists in China have successfully cloned two macaque monkeys It's quite impossible to tell them apart , said one of the monkeys.
Racist notbaldbob (1145) · 20-07-2026 0604So North Korea now has a nuclear bomb delivery system that could hit New York City. That's a fucking long bike ride, mind.
Racist theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 19-07-2026 1244After studying semaphore all morning,I started flagging in the afternoon.
General Squeaky (1950) · 19-07-2026 0855Whenever I see a black guy walking towards me, I instinctively put my hand on my wallet. Then I remember you can't buy them any more.
Crime Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 18-07-2026 1233Our teenage son has turned into a complete nightmare.Drink,drugs,shoplifting and fighting. Last night my wife answered the door and two policeman were there. This time it was good news. He was dead.
General Squeaky (1950) · 17-07-2026 0829I've just bought myself a new motor and its going to be a proper fanny magnet. All I've got to do now is stock it with ice-creams.
General notbaldbob (1145) · 16-07-2026 0952' Tell me something dangerous you did as a child, ' my wife asked. ' Wrote a letter to Jim'll Fix It, ' I replied.
General Squeaky (1950) · 16-07-2026 0855Why are there no Chinese paedophiles? Because when you offer a Chinese kid a puppy they say "No thanks, I'm not hungry."
England's hopes sank fast in the match against Argentina... ...still, I can think of something that sank faster
Boats Hengist 🥉 (871) · 15-07-2026 2055I looked up my family tree online. Turns out my great great great great great Grandad was a slave trader in the 19th Century. Quite a lucrative occupation, it seems. He was on a six nigger salary.
theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 15-07-2026 1718My friend gave me an elephant for my room. ' Thank you, ' I said. ' Don't mention it, ' he replied.
General Squeaky (1950) · 15-07-2026 0958I was in Glasgow and walked past a building that said it was a "battered women's Centre" Fuck me, those Scots will deep fry anything.
Domestic Violence/Woman Beating Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 15-07-2026 0759Never trust anyone who can spell gonnorhea correctly on the first attempt.
Sex n Shit innit (959) · 15-07-2026 0737"Is that a metal pole in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?" - Anne Widdecombe, 2026
Celebrities Hengist 🥉 (871) · 14-07-2026 1707If online bullying has taught us anything it's that some kids would rather kill themselves than lose a bit of weight...
My rap name is 50 pence. I'm a lot like 50 cents, just a bit more edgy...
Got thrown out of an orgy in Norfolk. I wasn't related.
Incest Joeydeaconsbastard (1173) · 10-07-2026 2301A passenger on a Ryanair flight was reportedly almost sucked out of a window during a journey from Greece. A spokesman for the airline said there is a £15 surcharge to sit by a window with a pane in it.
Aviation theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 10-07-2026 1531"You treat me like a dog," said my wife."I want us to sit down and talk about it." "OK," I replied, "but not on the couch."
Wife Stallion (1615) · 10-07-2026 1130I went to a fetish restaurant last night. I got toed in the hole.
Wordplay notbaldbob (1145) · 10-07-2026 0917My wife found out I'd been masturbating to some strange types of porn. She said, "Come on, let's hear how filthy you are. What kind was it?" I said, "I'll give you a clue. It rhymes with 'plastics'." "Gymnastics!" she screamed, "Typical fucking man!" At this point I decided not to correct her.
Masturbation notbaldbob (1145) · 10-07-2026 0911Justice Secretary David Lammy has just announced that he has commuted the death sentence of murderess Ruth Ellis, who was hanged in 1955, to a more lenient sentence of life imprisonment, proving once and for all that yes, he is as stupid as he looks.
Jail/Prison Hengist 🥉 (871) · 08-07-2026 1650Say what you like about the architecture of Josef Fritzl But after building his underground bunker he really started coming into his own.
Sex n Shit Irishstu (189) · 08-07-2026 1308It’s kind of silly we’re trying turning plants into burgers Haven’t cows been doing that for like, forever?
Fat / Obesity Allobosca 🥈 (2268) · 07-07-2026 1612What do you call a Spanish voyeur? Senor Biva.
Racist theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 07-07-2026 1601What do you call a Russian with Tourette's Syndrome? Yukanol Fukov.
Racist theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 07-07-2026 1600Trump has just received intelligence reports that Belgium are only two weeks away from developing a nuclear bomb.
Donald Trump OkiPaul (190) · 07-07-2026 0703Should the King meet Prince Harry while he's in Britain? Don't see why; they're not related.
In The News ponga (405) · 07-07-2026 0158I was in Specsavers today, guess who I bumped into....... everyone
Our grandparents fought Nazis so that we could be called Nazis for believing what they believed. (Mine from the old site)
Political innit (959) · 06-07-2026 1235A black man looked up his family tree..... and a gorilla shat in his face.
Racist Squeaky (1950) · 06-07-2026 1003My neighbour thinks it's cool to sunbathe nude in the backyard, but her husband disagrees. As for me. I'm still on the fence.
Masturbation Allobosca 🥈 (2268) · 03-07-2026 2046My son came home from school proudly waving his report card. ' I got a B for my reading test Dad, ' he said. I looked at the report and told him, ' That's not a B it's an F. '
General Squeaky (1950) · 30-06-2026 1023I was born with a rare medical condition - I only had a single bum cheek. I had an operation to correct the problem, and I can't thank the surgeons enough. They made a complete arse of it.
Wordplay theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 29-06-2026 2026Welcome to the Assumption Club. I think we all know why we're here.
Dumb/Thick supergalley (2059) · 29-06-2026 1107Steve Clarke QUITS as Scotland manager - just half an hour after their World Cup exit is confirmed. They were about to print 'A lettuce would last longer', but realised the Scots would not understand.
Football ponga (405) · 29-06-2026 0043This weather brings them out. Blouses buttons down, tits flopping out skirts so high you couldn't even pass them as belts. Fucking love my job as the school caretaker.
Pedophile Joeydeaconsbastard (1173) · 28-06-2026 2012I can't believe that, in this day and age, no-one has managed to come up with a cure for anorexia. I thought it'd be a piece of cake.
Wordplay theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 26-06-2026 1122When I was a young boy I met the guy who did the voice of Tony the Tiger. I got RRRRRrrrrrraped!
TV & Movies ianwatkins 🥉 (2120) · 26-06-2026 0834If you had to choose between rescuing Keir Starmer from a burning building or making a sandwich, what bread would you use?
Political innit (959) · 26-06-2026 0529What's the difference between the McCanns and Gary Glitter? Gary Glitter comes back from his holidays with more kids than he left with.
Pedophile theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 22-06-2026 1552A magician in Queensland, Australia has vanished without a trace in remote wilderness, with armed forces called in to help in the search. Fucking hell, he's good.
Silly theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 22-06-2026 1227Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa.
Dumb/Thick Gingerpubes (274) · 21-06-2026 2027Scientists say that swallowing semen after oral sex can help women lose weight. I agree. Women who swallow mine tend to lose a great deal of weight about 9 or 10 years down the line.
AIDS theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 21-06-2026 0513I told my girlfriend that semen contains 'friendly' bacteria, like those Actimel yoghurts. I can't believe she swallowed it.
Sex n Shit theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 21-06-2026 0511I've put my name down to join the local Feminists Society. Hopefully once they see what an informed and enlightened kind of guy I am, I might get to pump a few of them.
Sexist theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 19-06-2026 1831I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high, and she looked surprised.
Wife mrjayhey (143) · 18-06-2026 1208A few years back, I arranged to meet a policeman via a chat room. When I opened the door to meet them, there was a 12 year old girl standing there.
Pedophile Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 17-06-2026 1751Is it "For fuck's sake" or "For fuck sake"? It's for a work email so it has to sound professional.
Wordplay innit (959) · 15-06-2026 0725What is the difference between a pair of Levi jeans and an Ethiopian woman? There is only one fly in the crotch on a pair of Levi's.
Racist Squeaky (1950) · 12-06-2026 0945I really hope England wins. Not the World Cup, I mean us versus the Muslims.
Racist ianwatkins 🥉 (2120) · 12-06-2026 0643Why did the Paki cross the road? Dunno, but both sides of the road smell funny now.
Pakistani theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 12-06-2026 0549I came home and my wife was sat there with loads of famous rappers. Twix, Snickers, Mars, Kit Kat, Curly Wurly...
Fat / Obesity ianwatkins 🥉 (2120) · 11-06-2026 0605My uncle had the luck of the Irish. He didn't win the lottery or anything, he was killed when his car exploded.
Racist theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 11-06-2026 0414Rioters in Belfast have attacked several Chinese restaurants in an orgy of wonton destruction
Hengist 🥉 (871) · 10-06-2026 1741My wife and I were very upset when our son died due to his chronic heroin addiction. On a brighter note,we don't have to eat our soup with a fork anymore.
Alcohol/Drugs Squeaky (1950) · 10-06-2026 0915I went to see Jo Brand. She walked on stage and I shouted "don't get your tits out!"
Sexist Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 08-06-2026 1955In 1066 William the 1st assembled 2000 Normans in France ready to invade England. What followed, was the most confusing roll call in history.
General Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 08-06-2026 1915I once had sex with this really hot black girl. Got to the scene before the fire brigade.
Offensive theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 06-06-2026 1921If male footballers have WAGs what do female footballers have? WAGs.
LGBTQ4KHDTV+ etc ianwatkins 🥉 (2120) · 03-06-2026 2203Some people complain about genetically modified food, but it's flying off the shelves.
Aviation ianwatkins 🥉 (2120) · 01-06-2026 1626Chicken is so expensive, I've started catching seagulls. You have to cook them quick though, or they eat all your chips.
Animals Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 31-05-2026 1744For legal reasons, newspapers are often forbidden from printing pictures of child abuse suspects before they are convicted Which might explain a thing or two about the Prophet Mohammed
Religion root (238) · 30-05-2026 1730I applied for Disability Benefit on account of my alcoholism. As I told the assessor, I can't even take twelve steps.
Alcohol/Drugs theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 27-05-2026 1612You can always tell a guy masturbates a lot, by his hands If you look closely, you'll see a wedding ring
Marriage / Wedding root (238) · 24-05-2026 1605If you leave a dog in a car in this weather, with no water or ventilation, it could be dead in fifteen minutes Leave the heater on as well, wait another thirty minutes and the meat just falls off the bone.
Animals root (238) · 24-05-2026 0918Porn has ruined my life. My boilers fucked and I'm scared to call a plumber
Sex n Shit root (238) · 24-05-2026 0856Only half of my patients who come to my clinic survive. I'm a brilliant abortionist.
Babies Stallion (1615) · 23-05-2026 1503My son took his first steps this morning.. the window cleaner is fucking furious
Wordplay root (238) · 23-05-2026 0745Q: Why do Welsh race horses run so fast? A: They've seen what happens to the sheep!
Animals innit (959) · 20-05-2026 0508I tried to pronounce the name of my new medication and I think I accidentally summoned Satan.
Dark innit (959) · 19-05-2026 0434It's difficult to love myself when I'm not even my type.
Self Deprecating innit (959) · 19-05-2026 0000I was going to have a brain transplant... but then I changed my mind.
Wordplay Stallion (1615) · 16-05-2026 2019I phoned the tinnitus helpline today. It just kept ringing.
Disease/Illness Squeaky (1950) · 11-05-2026 0917I hate being out at night, alone and scared that somebody might shoot me. I don't even know why I became a rapist.
Rape / Sexual Violence Stallion (1615) · 01-05-2026 1515Bagpipes are the only instrument that, when you learn to play them properly, sound exactly the same as when you started.
General Stallion (1615) · 30-04-2026 1829I'm not saying I live in a hard area., but the other night I went to a pub quiz and the first question was... "What the fuck are you looking at?"
General Stallion (1615) · 29-04-2026 1508I've put my Rottweiler on a vegan diet. So far, he's eaten three of the cunts.
Animals Stallion (1615) · 16-03-2026 1734Two flies decided to have a race from one side of a black man's lips to the other. The first fly went flat out all the way and was shocked to see the second fly already there,relaxing in a deck chair. ' How did you manage to get here before me, ' said the first fly. ' I took a short cut round the back of his head, ' replied the second fly.
Racist Squeaky (1950) · 01-02-2026 1040' Why does everyone think that Chinese people look the same,father? ' said the small Chinese boy. ' I don't know, ' replied the man, ' and by the way,I am not your father. '
Racist Squeaky (1950) · 29-12-2025 1941I always sweat a lot when I have sex. Probably due to the wool in my balaclava.
Rape / Sexual Violence Squeaky (1950) · 28-12-2025 1602You know it was a good Christmas party when your P45 arrives at your house before you do.
Christmas ianwatkins 🥉 (2120) · 24-12-2025 0559My 4 year old daughter came into my bedroom and said, "Daddy, I'm scared. Can I sleep in your bed?" "No," I replied, "I'm not having that fucking monster follow you into my room."
Dad Jokes Stallion (1615) · 17-12-2025 1256Abdul and myself were walking past a school when an absolute stunning young girl around 14 came out of the gate, she has everything, huge tits, long dark hair, a voluptuous arse and a beauty of a natural Spanish senorita. "Fuck me, " said Abdul, "I'll bet she was fit when she was younger. "
Pakistani Kimjongreject (287) · 11-12-2025 1951A woman on a dating site sent me a message saying, "Wow, your absolutely gorgeous. How come your still single?" It's spelled "you're", I replied.
General Stallion (1615) · 08-12-2025 1846chatting to a young girl in the pub last night i said to her " so what do they call you then?"....she replied " vivaldi", so i said " is that after the great composer?".... she said, " no, its because my name is viv and i work at Aldi"...
Masturbation randypecker (61) · 07-12-2025 2150I took my son to see Santa today, but as soon as he sat on his knee he started crying. "What's wrong?" I asked. "It's this job mate, I fucking hate it"
Christmas garry6291 (641) · 06-12-2025 1238BannedFromHeaven.com is an oasis in the barren,humourless world that our woke society has created. Long may it continue. Humour,like beauty,is in the eye of the beholder.
Accusations that the young are a snowflake generation are wrong, the head of an independent review into mental health has told the BBC. Prof Peter Fonagy says there has been a real rise in mental distress among children and young people, with anxiety, depression, self-harm and eating disorders the most common. Yeah. That's what "snowflake" means you fucking idiot.
Mentally Ill/Mental Health › Depression Depression ianwatkins 🥉 (2120) · 21-09-2026 0622Women are like bacon. Sounds good, right? Looks good. Smells good. Tastes and feels good. All the while, killing you slowly.
Marriage / Wedding innit (959) · 20-09-2026 0535Two tramps wake up one morning in their cardboard boxes. 'Hey, you wanna skip breakfast today?' 'Sure! There's usually something edible in there...'
Homeless / Bum theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 19-09-2026 1017After a public uproar, the boss of Ryanair has apologised for comparing rival airlines to rapists. "I am so sorry for the hurt I have caused," he said. "I did not realise how deeply offensive that sort of comparison was; it was a completely spasticated thing for me to say."
Aviation › Ryanair / Budget Airline Ryanair / Budget Airline Hengist 🥉 (871) · 18-09-2026 1615On holiday in Thailand,I picked up this gorgeous woman in a bar one night. She looked like a woman,walked like a woman,talked like a woman and kissed like a woman. But when she parked the car first time I just knew there was a cock and bollocks under that dress.
Sex n Shit Squeaky (1950) · 16-09-2026 0719Andy Burnham's father Roy has died. So now he can push the death taxes through.
Political › Prime Minister Roast Prime Minister Roast ponga (405) · 14-09-2026 1428I used to put slug pellets down in my garden, until I read that hedgehogs also eat them and get poisoned. Now I put out a saucerful of beer instead. Anyway, I can't get any sleep now, as my garden is full of pissed-up slugs and hedgehogs singing and fighting all night.
Silly › Absurd Absurd theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 13-09-2026 1039All of my Hispanic friends seem to be transitioning at once! Another night, another dago's bi
Trans Rubbish › Youth Transition Youth Transition LennysCrevasse 🥉 (1372) · 11-09-2026 1658Everyone can remember where they were on 9/11. I'll never forget it; seeing off my mates at the airport after helping pack their rucksacks with knives and Korans...
Wanking & brain damage: After a few strokes, there's no going back.
Masturbation innit (959) · 08-09-2026 1008I was watching the TV when I shouted through to my wife in the kitchen "A cup of tea would be nice love" She replied "Why don't you stick a broom handle up my arse as well"? And it's little surprises like that are the key to a long and happy marriage.
Sexist garry6291 (641) · 05-09-2026 0657Complaining about all the illegal immigrants that are turning up here in the UK now??.. It's all thanks to all you cunts who never donated that £2 or £3 a month they were asking for!!
Immigration UpSyndrome (10) · 05-09-2026 0033If Adam and Eve were Arabian.... Adam would have put the snake in a basket and played the flute, and Eve's right hand would be amputated.
If Adam and Eve had been real people, most people would be intellectually-incompetent windowlickers. Uh... hold on...
Pedophile › Epstein Overlap Epstein Overlap theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 03-09-2026 2037I was home watching a film when a pole dancing scene came on. I said to my wife "you'd do really well at that " she said "that's a complement, do you really mean it?" I said yeah, you could fit about £10k in those knickers you wear"
Wife Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 03-09-2026 1149A bloke goes to the doctors as he's a bit uncomfortable "downstairs" The doctor has a look and says "well, you've made medical history you have three testicles" The bloke is overjoyed, he gets on the bus and says to the bloke next to him "I bet you £50 we've got five bollocks between us" The other bloke opens his flies and said "OK, here's my one, where's your four?"
What do you get if you cross the Queen and Prince Philip? Killed in a tunnel
Celebrity Death › Car Crash Celebs Car Crash Celebs Gingerpubes (274) · 31-08-2026 1858Christian Rock Festival happy-clappies: 'Do you hear our prayers, Lord? If you do, just give us a sign, any sign!' God: 'There you go. Now shut the fuck up...'
In The News › Breaking News Breaking News theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 30-08-2026 0007Buckingham Palace guards pay tribute to Dolly Parton with a rendition of 9 to 5. King Charles asks, "What is this 9 to 5 you speak of?"
In The News ponga (405) · 26-08-2026 1453"Apparently Dolly Parton suffered from chronic endometriosis resulting in a hysterectomy during the 1980s....therefore she never had children" Remarked David Fuller on his sixth cigarette
Celebrity Death LennysCrevasse 🥉 (1372) · 25-08-2026 2141If there's baize on the table, she's past her prime.
Pedophile › Celebrity Pedo Celebrity Pedo theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 24-08-2026 1600How would I find these death caps used by Erin Patterson? And where's the current outbreak of egg salmonella centred? The wife's just said she fancies a mushroom omelette, and it's too good a chance to miss.
Murder/Death/Killing scotty (549) · 24-08-2026 0905If you're thinking what I'm thinking: You are a seriously disturbed person that needs help urgently.
Self Deprecating › Therapy Needed Therapy Needed Squeaky (1950) · 24-08-2026 08082 Irish men went to see a John Wayne film. During the film paddy said " Murphy i bet you a tenner John Wayne doesn't go into the Saloon" "OK" said Murphy " I'll have some of that." Sure enough John Wayne walks into the saloon. "Hah you owe me a tenner Paddy" Then he asked "Paddy, I thought you saw this film last week". Paddy said "yeah I did. But after the hiding he had in there last week I didn't think he'd go back"
Gingerpubes (274) · 23-08-2026 1235Mathematics. The only subject that counts.
General › Observational Observational Squeaky (1950) · 23-08-2026 0733New technology moves too fast for me these days. Just tried to wipe the dust off my phone's screen, and now I have a 12-month subscription to Netflix.
General › Internet Culture Internet Culture theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 23-08-2026 0511Now that I'm in my forties, I have to face the fact that sixteen-year-old girls just don't want to have sex with me. For me it's just like being sixteen again.
Sex n Shit › Dry Spell Dry Spell theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 23-08-2026 0510My siblings and I had a really rough day at the hospital today as our grandmother finally passed away. Pulling the plug on her life-support machine was the hardest thing we have ever had to do...the old bitch bit my brother and gave me a black eye trying to stop us.
Death Hengist 🥉 (871) · 18-08-2026 1720What's the difference between Gemma Collins and a ballerina? The ballerina can only manage thirty Twirls before stopping
Fat / Obesity LennysCrevasse 🥉 (1372) · 17-08-2026 0828I was up in court for assaulting a Pakistani. The judge said, 'The court will be treating this as a hate crime.' I said, 'Hate crime? But I acted out of love!' 'What do you mean?' 'Well, I love beating up Pakis.'
Racist theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 16-08-2026 1653Whenever I used to see footage of Ethiopians dying of famine with flies all over their faces I always thought the same thing. Why don't they just eat the flies?
Dark › Famine Famine ianwatkins 🥉 (2120) · 16-08-2026 1640Jason Arday, the Cambridge professor accused of plagiarism has been found dead. An apparent suicide note was found at the scene but police are investigating the possibility that it may have been written by someone else.
Celebrity Death Hengist 🥉 (871) · 14-08-2026 2032Is Jason Arday really dead; or is that just what he told us?
Celebrity Death supergalley (2059) · 14-08-2026 2001Women are like cinemas. I normally have to pay to enter them, but sometimes I just force my way in through the back door.
Rape / Sexual Violence theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 13-08-2026 1640Former MP Ann Widdecombe has been laid to rest at Buckfast Abbey. Which is kind of appropriate, seeing as how she was beaten to death in an unprovoked attack.
Alcohol/Drugs theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 12-08-2026 1701My grandson came home blubbing because some kid hit him at school, so I decided to sit him down for a talk. 'Now, lad, pull yourself together. I didn't break down crying when me and my squad were fighting the Germans in the streets of Europe, you know.' 'When was that, Grandpa?' 'Italia '90, Turin.'
Football theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 10-08-2026 2316I once dated an anethsthetist. She was a local girl, a real knockout.
My grandad worked in a paint factory. He died when he fell into a vat of varnish, but he did have a lovely finish. No, you fuck off.
Death Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 08-08-2026 0938Large Kebab £7.00 Your Only Fans £9.99 Why would I pay more to look at the same thing without chips and a can of coke???
Went dogging last night,never again. When I got home my car was like a painter's radio.
Sex n Shit Squeaky (1950) · 07-08-2026 0811Top Ugandan footballer killed by teen muggers armed with paving stones. 'On me 'ead, son!'
Football theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 07-08-2026 0157Some people say that that British prisons are 'like Butlin's camps with bars' nowadays. Come on, that's got to be an exaggeration. It can't be that bad inside.
Jail/Prison theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 06-08-2026 2012If you're ever attacked by a bear, simply lie down and play dead. If you’re not sure how to do this, here is a demonstration video of my ex-girlfriend during sex.
Why do I have to prove who I am when paying a bill? Do random people try paying my bills, and if so, why don't you let them?
General Stallion (1615) · 06-08-2026 0659I saw a bloke on crutches today, wearing a camouflage suit. I thought "you can hide, but you can't run"
Why do niggers never play hide and seek. Because nobody would look for them.
Racist Squeaky (1950) · 05-08-2026 0930How do Welsh people find their sheep in very tall grass? Absolutely irresistible
Animals supergalley (2059) · 05-08-2026 0705I saw an old mate in the pub. I said "how are things?" He said"great, my business has just floated" I said "oh, have you tried eating more fiber?"
Doctor/Nurse/Medical Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 02-08-2026 1503After years of trying I finally managed to contact my father through a psychic medium. ' Is that really you Dad? ' ' Yes,son. ' ' I'll just put your mother on. '
General Squeaky (1950) · 02-08-2026 0754I dumped my new girlfriend when she told me she’d slept with a Brazilian. I don’t know how many a Brazilian is, but it sounds like a lot.
Silly WayOutWest (428) · 31-07-2026 1832Showbiz news: Boy George pulls out of Jesus Christ Superstar. You'd think someone of his age and persuasion would have the good sense to rubber up.
AIDS theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 31-07-2026 1443A British army sniper was asked what he felt when shooting terrorists. He replied, "Recoil."
Muslim Stallion (1615) · 30-07-2026 1601Whenever I give blood, I get asked awkward questions. Like: who's is it? where did you get it and why is it in a jug?
Wholesome Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 28-07-2026 1519On a holiday in Johannesburg I got talking to a liberal hippie chick in a late night bar. She told me that, as a traveler, I needed to embrace the indigenous culture. So I raped her and stole her purse!
Racist DdraigGoch (729) · 28-07-2026 0956My GP asked whether I had a support network. I gave him the password to next door’s Wi-Fi.
Silly WayOutWest (428) · 27-07-2026 1905My grandad had Parkinson's disease. He could never stop interviewing people.
What's got six tits and hums ? Bill Oddie's birdcage
Death LennysCrevasse 🥉 (1372) · 27-07-2026 1803Did you hear about the maths teacher with constipation? He worked it out with a pencil.
The school receptionist asked who I was there to collect. I panicked and said, “Any.”
Pedophile WayOutWest (428) · 26-07-2026 1741I would've gone to Parents' Night at the local primary school yesterday, but I pulled out at the last minute. About six years ago.
Sex n Shit theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 26-07-2026 1223What do you call a Chinese woman with a food mixer on her head? Blenda
What's black and comes in thirteens? R Kelly.
Pedophile theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 25-07-2026 0904'What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.' Not a good defence to use when you're up in court for molesting your stepkids, though.
Pedophile theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 24-07-2026 1454My wife is so fat, when she pulls her knickers down, her arse is still in them.
Wife Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 24-07-2026 1412I introduced my new black girlfriend to my slightly deaf grandfather. "She's Annika," I said. "Yes, I can see that," he replied.
Racist notbaldbob (1145) · 24-07-2026 1007Tried that new Korean restaurant in town last night. The food was pretty good, but I really wish I hadn't asked for a doggy bag.
Racist theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 24-07-2026 0448My wife was diagnosed with breast cancer and the doctor said she had to have a double mastectomy, so I went on-line to see if there was an alternative. Susan, 31, is only 5 miles from me looks a good one.
Cancer notbaldbob (1145) · 23-07-2026 1902I went into the bakers and said "is that a cheesecake or a meragnue?" The baker said "you're not wrong, it's a cheesecake"
Fat / Obesity Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 23-07-2026 1654Black children are almost 3.5 times more likely to die after surgery as white children, according to the latest study to show clear disparities in medical care between black and white patients. To be fair, they're much more likely to be in hospital because of gunshot wounds.
Racist supergalley (2059) · 23-07-2026 1239Fucking Korean chefs. They make a dog's dinner of everything
Animals LennysCrevasse 🥉 (1372) · 23-07-2026 1118My wife is in hospital after being beaten up for using the 'N' word. Next time I ask for a beer from the fridge, she had better use the 'Y' word.
Marriage / Wedding notbaldbob (1145) · 22-07-2026 1652I didn't have Ann Widdecombe down as a heavy drinker. But the night she was killed, she got absolutely hammered.
Murder/Death/Killing scotty (549) · 21-07-2026 1815Rowan Atkinson's next film role is to play a comical character who is unable to satisfy his wife. 'Missed her Bean' is showing in cinemas from Friday.
Silly notbaldbob (1145) · 21-07-2026 1708The last time King Charles mentioned Andy Burnham, he was advising his brother on what to do with his "Gentleman's Magazine Collection"........
Epstein Enquiry Slapster (10) · 21-07-2026 1054What do the World Cup and the 2nd World War have in common? When its over the losers fly to Argentina.
Baldlice (111) · 20-07-2026 1323can't believe the number of fucking foreigners coming to live in this country. If I'd have known this thirty years ago, I would have stayed in Pakistan.
Pakistani notbaldbob (1145) · 19-07-2026 1102I was sat minding my own business when some girl comes up to me and says "Excuse me. How do you spell Apple?" "Apple?" I said. "That's one of the easiest words in the English language! My God, you must be absolutely thick as shit! Fuck me. How old are you?" "Four" she said, crying. Anyway long story short,i just wasn't cut out to be a nursery teacher.
Long Story garry6291 (641) · 19-07-2026 0951I'm really good at my job weeding out fraudsters at the benefit office. Just yesterday this woman came in with her son, who was in a wheelchair. "He can't walk. He needs to be spoon-fed. I need help getting him in and out the shower..." she said. I looked at the boy skeptically and made a few notes. "How old is he?" I asked her, smiling reasuringly. "He's nine," the woman said. "And he is incapable of moving independently?" I asked, scribbling in my notebook. "He has severely impaired motor-skills which mean he finds it impossible to perform tasks like dressing or eating by himself. He needs full-time care." "I see," I said, examining the boy from different angles and continuing to take notes. "And is his condition neurological or is it a muscular degenerative condition?" "He has cerebral palsey so it is neurological," his mother replied. I nodded. "And has his condition manifested recently or has he always been a retard?" I asked. "My son is not a retard!" the woman shouted furiously. "I fucking knew it!" I said.
Disability Hengist 🥉 (871) · 19-07-2026 0712A woman walks into a pharmacy. "I have a headache," she says. "Do you have anything to cure a headache?" "Paracetamol," says the pharmacist. "And I have a sore throat," the woman says. "Do you have anything to cure a sore throat?" "Paracetamol," says the pharmacist. "And I just feel so unhappy all the time," she says. "Do you have anything that cures depression?" "Paracetamol," says the pharmacist. "Paracetamol cures depression?" the woman asks. "If you take enough of it, it does."
Suicide Hengist 🥉 (871) · 18-07-2026 2244Air passenger 'invokes Sharia law' to avoid sitting next to a woman. Thank fuck the pilot wasn't gay.
Muslim ponga (405) · 18-07-2026 0721Its always flattering when someone says "You've got a nice bum" Except when you're having a prostate examination.
Doctor/Nurse/Medical notbaldbob (1145) · 17-07-2026 0805My wife hates it when I hold the door open for her. She says "why can't I just have a shit in peace"
Wife Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 17-07-2026 0745There isn't much to be said for being a Russian infantyman but at least you're practically guaranteed a job for life
Work/Workplace Hengist 🥉 (871) · 17-07-2026 0704I left the house this morning to be greeted by a huge, wet dogshit in the middle of my beautiful lawn. I was going to scoop it up and post it through the door of the local mosque, but the smell was too much for me. I couldn't get near the place.
Muslim notbaldbob (1145) · 16-07-2026 1428Just found out that cock fighting is done with chickens..... That was 8 months of training fucking wasted.
Dumb/Thick notbaldbob (1145) · 15-07-2026 1332How do you torture a homosexual? Throw him into a bottomless pit!
'If we die, we die together': Wife who held on to her husband's legs after he was sucked out of Ryanair jet window at 20,000ft describes battle to save him. My wife would have been pushing.
Aviation ponga (405) · 14-07-2026 0153I was flying with Ryanair when suddenly there was a violent cabin depressurization. The oxygen masks were deployed. I put mine on, but there was no oxygen! In a panic, I grabbed a cabin attendant. "NO OXYGEN!" I shouted. "IT'S COIN OPERATED", she replied.
Aviation OkiPaul (190) · 14-07-2026 0100My wife said she wanted to try something new in the bedroom. Excitedly I asked "what do you want to do, make me wear slutty lingerie? Fuck me with a strapon? Piss in my mouth??" She said "No. Oak wardrobes."
Sex n Shit ianwatkins 🥉 (2120) · 12-07-2026 2053My partner was confused and irritated when I ordered 20 desks and a blackboard for our flat. I just wanted to make the place a bit more classy.
Wordplay WayOutWest (428) · 12-07-2026 1229Jack and Jill went up the hill to get some chips and sweeties. Jack can't keep his cholesterol down and Jill's got diabetes
"Short back and sides," said Tom Cruise. "Indeed," replied the barber. "How do you want your hair cut?"
"Hey dad - what do you call a nigger with no bones?" "Oh thats easy son, a fucking diving suit!"
Racist Bollockchops (49) · 10-07-2026 1801I'm not saying my niece is fat, but she's started to get a tan off the little lamp in the 'fridge!
Fat / Obesity DdraigGoch (729) · 10-07-2026 1420Winston goes to church and the vicar says "What's wrong my son?" Winston says "I want you to pray for my hearing". The vicar puts his hands on Winston's ears and prays hard for ten minutes. "So how is your hearing?" asks the vicar. "I don't know", says Winston, "it isn't until next Wednesday".
Racist notbaldbob (1145) · 10-07-2026 1009What bounces and makes children cry? My cheque to children in need.
I said to the vicar, "Hello father. This is a lovely church. Can you tell me what period it's from please?" He said, "it's Norman". I said, "Sorry Norman. This is a lovely church, can you tell me what period it's from please?"
So, the UK has finally granted a posthumous pardon to Ruth Ellis, the last woman hanged in 1955. Thank god—now they can just dig up her skeleton, initiate CPR, and break the good news.
In The News mrjayhey (143) · 08-07-2026 1557What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Wordplay notbaldbob (1145) · 07-07-2026 2140I hate it when you walk into a room and totally forget why you went in there. Especially, when you're walking back downstairs and suddenly shit yourself.
Age/Elderly notbaldbob (1145) · 05-07-2026 0826Growing up with a dyslexic father had its advantages. Whenever he caught me swearing, he used to wash my mouth out with soup.
General notbaldbob (1145) · 04-07-2026 1314I was in a corner shop once, and I noticed a little boy picking up sweets and slipping them into his pocket. The shopkeeper spotted him too and yelled, 'Oi, you! Hands off!' They don't fuck about over in Saudi Arabia.
Muslim theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 03-07-2026 1814In Iran, the funeral of Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei is due to commence, which will take place across five cities. Fuck me, that Yank airstrike must've really blown him to smithereens.
In The News theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 03-07-2026 1604I once knew a Muslim with a massive penis. He was hung like a gay Iranian.
Muslim Hengist 🥉 (871) · 02-07-2026 2231Got some hanging plants for the garden. If you're a nigger they're called trees.
Racist Joeydeaconsbastard (1173) · 02-07-2026 1033To honour Pride Month, I made a comprehensive list of all the Middle Eastern nations that are LGHDTV friendly: 1. Israel.
LGBTQ4KHDTV+ etc innit (959) · 02-07-2026 0926My Wife says she is going to leave me if I don’t stop Gambling. I think she’s bluffing.
Wife Baldlice (111) · 30-06-2026 2209I said to the doctor, "I've got a problem with my penis". "What's that?", he asked. "It's the thing I use for pissing and fucking", I replied.
spike125 🥈 (2112) · 30-06-2026 1214Just bought a bag of Lidl "value" potatoes. They've got more black eyes than a pikey stag do...
I went to the chemist and asked for some strong anti dandruff shampoo, pile ointment, anti wind tablets, eye drops, cream for my exzema and bad breath spray. "anything else?" he asked "yeah, a packet of condoms please, I'm feeling lucky tonight!"
Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 30-06-2026 0736What was Gary Glitter's least-favourite chart compilation album? Now 16.
Pedophile theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 29-06-2026 2027What is the best male contraceptive? An empty wallet.
Sex n Shit Allobosca 🥈 (2268) · 28-06-2026 2219What do you call a cockney coon that steals from his boss? Nick Cotton.
Racist Joeydeaconsbastard (1173) · 28-06-2026 2122At breakfast this morning, out of the blue my wife started having a go at me, saying I was a total failure as a husband. I replied, 'Well, looks like someone got out the wrong side of the cardboard box this morning!'
Homeless / Bum theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 28-06-2026 1625Short skirt. Crutchless panties. Stockings and Suspenders. See through Bra. Carlsberg don’t do School Uniforms…..
Alcohol/Drugs Baldlice (111) · 27-06-2026 1029I have a couple of those fidget-spinners in the house. Or if you want to use the correct terminology, my children have autism.
Disability theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 26-06-2026 1438There's only one thing worse than someone walking up to you with a big knife in their hand. And that's when they say "you don't remember me, do you?"
Crime Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 26-06-2026 1226My mate has got hold of a load of designer bras, all different sizes. If you send me photos of your wife or girlfriend's tits, we will try and match them up.
Sex n Shit garry6291 (641) · 25-06-2026 1825A negro woman walked into a butchers and asked, "Do you have any chicken?" "No black Betty, it's ham or lamb."
Songs/Rhymes Stallion (1615) · 25-06-2026 1122What do you call an attractive woman with a ginger haired man? A hostage.
General Squeaky (1950) · 25-06-2026 0910The missus went ballistic when she found out I've been paying prostitutes for anal sex. She's now issued me with a hoes' pipe ban.
Prostitution / Sex Worker theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 24-06-2026 1129I visited a brothel once and asked for the Girlfriend Experience. She told me I was dumped for visiting prostitutes.
Silly theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 24-06-2026 0937Old People An old lady is sitting in an old persons home looking out the window when an old man walks up to her and says "I know we can no longer take pleasure is sexual activities but could you come to the park with me and hold my penis?" Seeing no harm in this she agrees and it becomes a regular occourance. The same bench, the same day of the week. untill one day the old lady goes to their regualr spot and he isn't there. Slightly upset about this she goes looking for him. She gginds him sitting on a bench with another woman holding his penis! Distraught by this she goes up to him and shouts "What does she have that I don't?! He looks up smiling and says "Parkinsons".
Disability Allobosca 🥈 (2268) · 23-06-2026 1631When I was a little boy, my uncle used to take me into the woods play Pooh Sticks. Didn't half make my bottom sore!
Pedophile DdraigGoch (729) · 23-06-2026 1155I once went fifteen years without a drink. Then I turned fifteen.
Alcohol/Drugs theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 23-06-2026 1051Applied for a job as a blacksmith and the interviewer asked if I've ever shoed a horse. I replied "Nope but I've told a couple of donkeys to fuck off".
Silly Joeydeaconsbastard (1173) · 22-06-2026 1222What's black and has 27 tits? The rubbish bag outside the cancer clinic.
Offensive Allobosca 🥈 (2268) · 22-06-2026 1106I'm a fully-qualified abortion provider. I kid you not.
Babies theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 21-06-2026 2005'King extends olive branch for Harry' Let's see if Meghan swings off it.
In The News ianwatkins 🥉 (2120) · 20-06-2026 0749How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? ALL MEN ARE BASTARDS!
Sexist ianwatkins 🥉 (2120) · 20-06-2026 0112I went into a tattoo parlor in East London and said "do you do piercings?" The guy said" yeah" and stabbed me.
British serial killers are offered a last drink before jail. Guard: "What would you like?" Harold Shipman: "A nice whiskey would be great" Guard: "What would you like?" Myra Hindley: "I'd love some red wine" Guard: "What would you like?" Fred West: "I could murder some Tennants"
Death Allobosca 🥈 (2268) · 18-06-2026 1603My wife won me over with the line "I love the big bulge in your jeans, it really excites me!" Eventually I realised she meant my wallet!
Wife DdraigGoch (729) · 17-06-2026 2358Just seen this nigger walking across a zebra crossing and he was saying "Now you see me, now you don't, now you see me, now you don't".
Racist Joeydeaconsbastard (1173) · 14-06-2026 1837I upset a girl once who'd just been raped by telling a joke about rape. Well, I say a joke, it was more a sarcastic comment really as I was doing my flies up.
Rape / Sexual Violence Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 14-06-2026 1728I once hired a professional dominatrix. She wanted fifty quid for the hour, but I managed to talk her up to a hundred.
Prostitution / Sex Worker theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 14-06-2026 1034I met my girlfriend when I brought a baby pigeon with a broken wing to their animal rescue group. Catching the pigeon was the hard part.
Animals ianwatkins 🥉 (2120) · 14-06-2026 0514Found a documentary box set about the making of The Vagina Monologues. I'm minge-watching it.
TV & Movies scotty (549) · 13-06-2026 1253I saw a sign today that said, 'Watch for Children.' I thought, 'That sounds like a fair trade,' but apparently, that’s not what it meant.
Pedophile mrjayhey (143) · 13-06-2026 1004My granddad downed nineteen aircraft during his military service in World War Two. He's actually still famous as the worst mechanic the RAF ever had.
Accidents/Injuries Hengist 🥉 (871) · 13-06-2026 0705I was involved in a very traumatic and violent mugging. On the plus side I got a nice watch and 20 quid.
Crime Stallion (1615) · 11-06-2026 1745How do you turn a 110lb weakling into a man of steel? Polio
Disease/Illness Squeaky (1950) · 11-06-2026 0903Woman stumbles into the Police Station. "Help, I've just been raped by two council workers!" The policemen look bemused and ask "How do you know they were with the council?" She shouts "I had to do all the fucking work!"
Just had a sage and onion enema. I got to be honest, It's knocked the stuffing out of me.
Fat / Obesity garry6291 (641) · 08-06-2026 2017Found an old fashioned chip shop and they still wrap your meals in newspaper. Today I got a plaice in the sun.
Silly Joeydeaconsbastard (1173) · 08-06-2026 1923Several women have made complaints against David Sullivan, saying that he demanded sex from them in exchange for promoting their modelling careers. I mean, I'm shocked. Who would have thought an 80s porn baron would be such a sleazebag?
Celebrities Hengist 🥉 (871) · 08-06-2026 1854Saw this old man with one leg leaning on a cash machine. I asked him if he's okay and he replied."Yes son I'm just checking my balance".
Accidents/Injuries Joeydeaconsbastard (1173) · 08-06-2026 1349I used to date a Jewish girl, but it didn't end too well. One time I invited her round to my place for a curry. She turned up and said, 'How's dinner coming along?' I replied, 'Well, I've just put your naan in the oven.'
Dark theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 07-06-2026 1957Looking forward to the world cup. Ethiopia against Hungary should be a good game.
Sports Joeydeaconsbastard (1173) · 07-06-2026 1337I tried to get into a support group for people with Tourette's Syndrome, but they told me to fuck off.
Disability theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 07-06-2026 1235I bought a pair of epileptic trousers. I had to take them back as they didn't fit.
Disability Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 07-06-2026 1000There was a kid in my year at high school who was allergic to water. Well, I say 'allergic'. He drowned.
Accidents/Injuries theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 07-06-2026 0719Why don't sharks eat niggers? It's because they think it's whale shit.
Offensive Joeydeaconsbastard (1173) · 06-06-2026 2213Say what you want about Muslim women, they make excellent Bee keepers
Muslim root (238) · 28-05-2026 2046I've just had a log burner fitted,but it's so much easier to just flush them.
Sex n Shit Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 28-05-2026 0834I go to the gym most evenings. I don't do any exercise, but after watching the young lasses working out in their Lycra and Spandex, I like to go home for a nice protein shake.
Masturbation theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥇 (3381) · 27-05-2026 1553I watched some German scat porn earlier, it was disgusting! The bird in it had hairy armpits.
Racist ianwatkins 🥉 (2120) · 23-05-2026 1100I've created a burlesque show featuring women who are missing arms or legs. It's called Amputease.
Disability ianwatkins 🥉 (2120) · 22-05-2026 1527I wondered why so many beautiful young girls are doing scat porn now. I guess that's their business.
Sex n Shit ianwatkins 🥉 (2120) · 22-05-2026 1518Stayed in a five star hotel in Nigeria last week. I knew it was five star because the chef washed his hands after he had a shit.
General Squeaky (1950) · 22-05-2026 0917I've been sober for 30 days now. Not in a row, just over the past 20 years.
Alcohol/Drugs Stallion (1615) · 21-05-2026 2018I am proud to announce that I have finished writing my book. It is called, How The Internet Ruined Our High Streets. Available to download from Amazon on Kindle for £1.99.
General Squeaky (1950) · 20-05-2026 0918