My kids are scared of flies. They always start to cry when I unzip mine.

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A Catholic bishop and his secretary are searching for a suitable headmaster for a new Catholic school that the diocese is building. "What about Father O'Leary?" asks the bishop. "He has experience teaching a Sunday school back in the eighties." "I'm afraid not, your grace," says the secretary, checking his papers. "Several former pupils have accused Father O'Leary of molesting them and he is currently under investigation." "Damn," says the bishop. "Then what about Father McDermott? He did a lot of good work as the chaplain at that Young Offenders Institution back in the nineties." "Sadly, your grace," says the secretary, checking his papers. "Father McDermott is also being investigated after former inmates accused him of sexual abuse." "Him as well?" says the bishop. "Well what about Father O'Connell? I recall he was a wonderful choirmaster back in the early two thousands." "No, your grace," says the secretary, checking his papers. "Also under investigation. He's been accused of several historic rapes by former choirboys." "Jesus Christ!" cries the bishop. "Don't we have any priests in this diocese who aren't being accused of historic sexual abuse?" "Well there is Father Creevey, your grace," says the secretary, checking his papers. "He hasn't had a single complaint of sexual misconduct in his thirty year career." "I don't think I remember him," says the bishop. "Does he have any experience working with children?" "Oh yes, your grace," says the secretary. "He did excellent work as the resident chaplain at the children's hospice."

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My neighbours asked if I would babysit their kids for £20 an hour. I said well they're kind of ugly, I'll only pay £15 an hour.

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If Adam and Eve had been real people, most people would be intellectually-incompetent windowlickers. Uh... hold on...

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If there's baize on the table, she's past her prime.

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Graeme Dott now faces a hard screw to open up his tight brown

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Graeme Dott mistook that little girl for a snooker table. She was flat, smooth and the perfect height for bending over.

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Graeme Dott pleaded not guilty to child abuse charges. He said he'd been framed.

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It's only a game, so put up a real good fight. I'm gonna be fingering you tonight.

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My daughter is bulimic so I told her not to stick her fingers down her throat to make herself sick. From now on if she wants to do that she has to use my cock.

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It’s a shame Mark Selby isn’t the snooker nonce. How amazing would that be introducing him at the crucible.. “and now, the child molestor from Leicester..”

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What do you call a Chinese celebrity nonce? Nau Zhen

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"She was about two years old. She struggled too much and I heard something snap" "Erm Graeme, I was refering to snooker when I asked you for your lowest break"

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Ex-world snooker champion Graeme Dott is found guilty of sexually abusing two primary school children. In both the pink and the brown.

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Grahame Dott said to his victims "Make me laugh,put your hands in my pockets and tickle my balls".

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I asked my local priest if he was going on holiday anywhere nice this year. "I'm going to the Philippines, with the children," he said. Weird. I didn't think they were allowed to have kids.

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What's Graeme Dott's favourite shot? Chloroform

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What's the difference between cricket and Epstein Island? In one, if the finger goes up, you're out. In the other, if the finger goes up, you're in

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Graham Rott in prison..... cunt

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Chris Langham's final words defied convention. "Don't bother destroying my hard drive, mate."

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