Spiders are like girls. I only feel all right about touching the little ones.

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When I'm driving my ice cream van around the streets, my biggest fear is that one day the real ice cream van will turn up at the same time.

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A few years back, I arranged to meet a policeman via a chat room. When I opened the door to meet them, there was a 12 year old girl standing there.

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What's the difference between the McCanns and Gary Glitter? Gary Glitter comes back from his holidays with more kids than he left with.

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I saw a sign today that said, 'Watch for Children.' I thought, 'That sounds like a fair trade,' but apparently, that’s not what it meant.

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Despite all the jokes I'm not really a racist. I would never molest a black child.

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I was taking the trash out the other day when the neighbour's kids saw me and yelled "GINGER PAEDO!" I can't believe they would make such false accusations. I'm actually more of a strawberry blond.

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What type of file would you use to make a small hole a bit bigger? A peodaphile.

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They say one in ten people are unaware they could be living nextdoor to a pedophile. I know I don't. I live nextdoor to a respectable married couple. Who have a sexy four year old daughter.

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Whats the worst thing about licking a bald pussy? Taking the dirty nappy off beforehand

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When I was a little boy, my uncle used to take me into the woods play Pooh Sticks. Didn't half make my bottom sore!

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What do you call a prostitute in a Everton shirt? Madeline McCann.

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When I was in the cub scouts Akela tried to molest me. But I tied his dick in a knot.

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What's pink and smells of Holly? Ian Huntley's cock!

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Statistics inform us that: Nearly ⅓ of British children are obese. & Most British children have had sex by the time they reach 16 years old. This poses the question . . . Who's fucking all the fat kids?

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'Kill your speed, not a child,' said the TV advert. Well I've slowed down a bit, but fuck knows how that'll help the little prickteaser I've got in the boot.

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It's such an unfair world. Gary glitter rides a little girl, and he gets 6 years in prison. Christopher Reeves rides a horse and he gets the electric fucking chair!

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Grooming products are getting so expensive. £1.10 for a tube of Smarties!

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A Man walks into a chemists, and says "I need some birth control for my 14yr old daughter". The chemist looks a bit shocked by this and queries "Your 14 year old daughter is sexually active?" The man thinks for a moment then replies. "Not really, she just lies there like her mother"

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Did you hear about Gary Glitter's holiday? He went to Tampa with the children.

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I was sat in a park in Liverpool and this little girl came skipping by.so being the nonce I am I said to her "Pssst little girl,if I give you £10 phone credit will you come into the bushes with me. She replied"If you give me £10 phone credit and a vape you can cum in my gob"

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What's the difference between a washing machine and a 15-year-old girl? The washing machine won't follow you around for two weeks after you drop a load in it.

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Q: What's one good thing about child molesters? A: They drive slowly in school zones.

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Little boy: "Mum, why does Daddy have two willies?" Mum: "Don't be silly, Dad only has one willy." Little boy: "He has two." Mum: "No, your Dad only has one willy!" Little boy: "No! He has two willies! He has a small one that he goes to the toilet with, and a big one that he brushes my teeth with."

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What did the sweet lil deaf, dumb and blind girl get for Christmas? Mark Feely as a step-dad

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Andrew Mountbatten Windsor was asked for his opinion on the recent, tragic deaths of five children who died after drowning "Spit it out until you've learned properly", he added

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Canada proposes teen social media ban. I'll take that bet: if anyone can name just one attractive Canadian woman without googling then I'll agree they should do this.

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Rabid Sullivan

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People keep telling me that Prince Andrew "lied about having kids" but surely you only need to take one look at Breatrice and Euge..... ...Oh I see

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What's the difference between a Rich-Tea biscuit and a rent-boy? Kier Starmer doesn't complain when the biscuit goes soft on him

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Teacher: Name something that's old but still down with the kids? Pupil: Andrew Windsor's cock, Miss?

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A man finally gets his girlfriend into bed and they start trying to have sex. After a minute the girl starts yelling 'Stop, Stop, It hurts' so the man runs to the bathroom, grabs the KY and lubes up and tries again. The same thing happens again with his girlfriend screaming 'Stop, Stop it hurts!' so the man gets off, grabs the KY and empties the entire tube up her cunt and gets back to business. Again the girl starts screaming 'Stop, Stop it's incredibly painful'. At which point the man gives up. The girl turns round and asks him why he's stopped trying, to which he says 'I can't do it, I'm sorry but I really can't. You put me right off', 'why?' says his girlfriend, 'because six year olds aren't supposed to know words like incredible' he replies.

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