I bought an R Kelly album once. There was a warning sticker on the cellophane. It said, 'Please keep this rapper away from babies and young children.'

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Princess Eugenie has given birth to a baby girl in Lisbon. Sarah Ferguson spoke to her daughter on a Facetime call shortly afterwards saying "Ooh, she's so pretty Eugenie, I can see your father in her!" Eugenie replied "Can you really?" "Yes," replied Sarah, "Probably the first time he gets to babysit!"

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Some of the fucking weird shit parents say in the school WhatsApp group. “Why are you in here? You don’t even have a kid.”

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I'm a producer for the BBC. I don't work there, I just have eight kids.

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What do you call a disabled paedophile? A creepy crawly.

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Why are there no Chinese paedophiles? Because when you offer a Chinese kid a puppy they say "No thanks, I'm not hungry."

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The school receptionist asked who I was there to collect. I panicked and said, “Any.”

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What's black and comes in thirteens? R Kelly.

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'What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.' Not a good defence to use when you're up in court for molesting your stepkids, though.

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Butler: "Sir your daughter's just had a baby" Andrew Windsor: "Ah about time. Chip off the old block"

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I just had an argument with my 5 year old about the importance of wearing pants in public. She won, so today I’m wearing pants to take her to school.

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I'm a huge fan of Roman Polanski. I've heard some of his films are pretty good, too.

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Muslims blow themselves up to go to paradise and get 72 virgins. I just hang around the primary school.

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I was looking through dating site profiles, and I found this single mother. Her profile info said, 'So you know from the start, I'm a package deal. Love me, love my kids.' That's the plan...

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When I was young, my dad abused me really badly. The useless cunt couldn't even do that properly.

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"Four women accuse Jared Leto of criminal sexual conduct when they were teenagers", the BBC reports. In other news: "Pot calls kettle black"

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Princess Eugenie has given birth to a baby girl in Lisbon Mother & baby are said to be keeping the grandfather at bay with mace

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I remember as a toddler in my uncle's car, he sat me on his lap to let me "drive". At least, I thought that's why he'd taken his hands off the wheel. Turned out he needed them for something else.

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I'm only attracted to girls who don't have tattoos. Yanno, children.

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My grandfather died doing what he always enjoyed. The 10 year old he was doing it to however, wasn't enjoying it at all.

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What's Kodak camera film and Gary Glitter got in common? They both come in little yellow boxes.

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In 1982, Cliff Richard dated former tennis player Sue Barker. She didn't play at Wimbledon that year, but Cliff went on to seed number two in the juniors.

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A man in court facing child porn charges. The judge glares at him and says 'This evidence against you is pretty damning! You'll be going to prison no doubt! How does 5, 6 years sound?' He didn't help his defence when he replied replied 'sexy'.

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Process Eugenie's baby daughter definitely has her mother's eyes As well as her grandmother's nose And her grandfather's cock

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Last time I was in London I found out they have male strip clubs down there, I was very shocked. I didn't know young boys got molested by their stepdads too.

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Butler: "It's Spain and it's 16 years in the waiting" Andrew Mountbatten Windsor: "Fabulous. Can you charter the flight and get them to the island by the weekend?"

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Britain can’t deport rape gang leader Shabir Ahmed. Shame we can’t deport him back to when England had some balls.

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