I was having a lovely sleep earlier until some inconsiderate cunt decided to bounce off my windscreen

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What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The Wheelchair.

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Why are Pakistan so crap at football? Because every time they get a corner, they build a shop.

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What do you call a dog that smells of fish? Jordan.

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A man finally gets his girlfriend into bed and they start trying to have sex. After a minute the girl starts yelling 'Stop, Stop, It hurts' so the man runs to the bathroom, grabs the KY and lubes up and tries again. The same thing happens again with his girlfriend screaming 'Stop, Stop it hurts!' so the man gets off, grabs the KY and empties the entire tube up her cunt and gets back to business. Again the girl starts screaming 'Stop, Stop it's incredibly painful'. At which point the man gives up. The girl turns round and asks him why he's stopped trying, to which he says 'I can't do it, I'm sorry but I really can't. You put me right off', 'why?' says his girlfriend, 'because six year olds aren't supposed to know words like incredible' he replies.

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How many men does it take to change a lightbulb? None. Let the bitch cook in the dark

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The "modern" definition of incest: When you can taste your dad's fanny on your mum's cock.

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My wife has new job as a traffic warden. I think the power has gone to her head. I'd just finished fucking her last night and she said "that will be £40 please" I said "for fuck sake, I was only in there 2 minutes"

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I fucking hate supermarkets. I bought a bottle of scotch yesterday and the fat cunt at the checkout scanned it twice! That's the last time I use self scan.

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Who's the best family butcher in Essex? Jeremy Bamber.

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I've always stood up for black people. It's not worth getting stabbed over a seat

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What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an atheist? Someone who knocks on your door for no reason.

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