The doctor told me I had 3 months to live, I said I wanted a second opinion. He said, "Alright you've got 8 million seconds to live." Nod to DdraigGoch

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Have you tried Ethiopian food? Neither have they!

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3 prostitutes in a bar, first one says "I've had so much sex I can stick my fist up my cunt". Second one says "that's nothing, I've had so much sex I can stick both fists up my cunt". Third one says "I beat both of you... I've had so much sex I..." and she slid 5 inches down the barstool!

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What's the definition of confused? Forty blind lesbians in a fish market.

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I was clearing out my late Nan's house and I found an interesting looking Chinese vase in a box in the attic. I wondered if it was valuable, perhaps Qing or Ming dynasty. So I placed it with Sothebys Auctioneers. I'm delighted to say that it sold for a six-figure sum! £6

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I told my new girlfriend that I'd just got out of a toxic relationship. She immediately started being extra nice and doing anything I wanted. I just smiled and thought, "She thinks I was the victim."

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I've always liked learning new synonyms. Last night, at a wine tasting, I learnt that 'sophisticated palate' means exactly the same thing as 'pretentious cunt.'

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What do you call a black man in disguise? Incognegro.

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