Religion, same shit, different deity.

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If you don't believe in human perseverance you clearly haven't seen a smoker trying to use a broken lighter

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Say what you want about Muslim women, they make excellent Bee keepers

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I've been that skint for ages, I can't tell you..... but there is light at the end of the tunnel. I just need my really ill Nan to walk towards it.

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What's the worst thing about your mum getting murdered on your 18th birthday? Being tried as an adult.

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Joe is being plagued by terrible headaches. One day, after years of suffering, he decides to see a migraine specialist. The doctor tells Joe to strip, inspects him all over, and announces that he’s found the cause of his problem. ‘Your testicles are pressing against the base of your spine,’ says the medic. ‘The pressure builds up, and you get an excruciating headache.’ Joe is appalled. ‘Tell me, doctor, is there anything I can do about it?’ he asks. ‘I’m afraid I have bad news. The only answer is to get rid of the testicles,’ says the doctor. Joe considers the pros and cons of a life without balls and sex – but then he thinks about the agony of his daily headaches, and without too much difficulty decides to go for the snip. He comes round from the operation and leaves the hospital. Walking along the street, he smiles as he realizes that the pain has completely disappeared. To celebrate, he decides to treat himself to some new clothes, so he makes his way to a top tailor to get fitted. Inside the tailor’s, he asks to see a pair of trousers. The tailor looks at Joe and says, ‘You’ll need a 36-inch waist, 33-inch inside leg.’ Joe is amazed at the accuracy of the tailor’s eye, and asks for a shirt. ‘That’ll be a 42-inch chest, 16-inch neck,’ the tailor says, and Joe is once again stunned by his accuracy. Finally, all that is left is a pair of underpants. ‘36?’ guesses the tailor incorrectly. ‘No, sorry, I’m a 34,’ Joe says. ‘I’ve worn a 34 since I was 18.’ ‘This is not possible,’ frowns the tailor. ‘If a man of your size wore a size 34, the pants would press his testicles into the base of his spine, causing the most horrific headaches.’

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A woman went on a fishing trip with 7 men. She came back with a big red snapper

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What's the the best thing about shagging a fat bird? You're guaranteed a cracking breakfast in the morning.

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I wish they would bring back plastic straws. I find it quite tiresome having to strangle turtles with my bare hands.

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2 taxi drivers having a pint: 'I love picking up tipsy women. They always give me a big tip.' 'Well, I love picking up paralytic women. I always give them a big tip.'

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There's a bloke at work who's an unorthodox jew. He's a Nazi.

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A man phones into work one monday morning: man: i can't come in today, i'm sick boss: what's the matter? man: i cut up my wife with a chainsaw then raped my 6 year old son boss: will you be in tuesday?

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What do you call a Paki in a bulletproof vest? Pting

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Whilst I was heading home from the pub the woman in front of me started walking a bit faster, so I walked a bit faster. She started to run so I started running. Then she started screaming so I started screaming. I never did find out what was chasing us.

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I went to Australia and was greeted with a great big sign that said "You are on Aboriginal land!" I think the dinosaurs might have something to say about that...

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Statistics suggest that black people are 4 times more likely to not have a garden. Presumably mainly because they're too heavy to steal!

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A cannibal and his pregnant wife are at home when all of a sudden the wife has a miscarriage As they're mopping up afterwards, the wife says "Darling. Tell me your worst dead baby joke. It might cheer me up" "Hang on", says her husband, "There's one on the tip of my tongue"

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A friend of mine is a real grammar-Nazi. He had become upset after receiving a succession of poorly worded, badly spelled texts. I comforted him by giving him a hug, patting him on the back and saying "Their they're there."

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I took my elderly sick German shepherd dog to the veterinarian and told him "Unfortunately, it's come to that time Doctor Smith, I need you to put my Max down." The vet looked into my old dog's bloodshot eyes and said "Max, you're fat, leaky, you have wonky ears and your breath stinks of shit!"

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My wife decided that we should try role play to spice up our sex life, she bought herself a Nurse's uniform and bought me a white coat and stethoscope so we could play Doctors and Nurses. 20 minutes in, I was just getting warmed up and had diagnosed halitosis, piles, obesity, flatulence, a lazy eye and excessive facial hair when she seemed to go off the idea?

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Satellite photos are the Earth's selfies.

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Nicola Sturgeon did not use the kitchen at the home she shared with Peter Murrell as "she doesn't have a passion for cooking", a former SNP MP has claimed. This might sound like a lame excuse for why she never saw his expensive purchases, but to be fair it is widely rumoured that she prefers eating out.

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I never order shrimp-fried rice. Call me old-fashioned, but I like my food to be prepared by a human.

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Gaffer tape is like "The Force" It's light on one side, dark on the other and holds the universe together.

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