Christians always go on about Jesus, and the time he fed five thousand Jews with five loaves and two fishes. Well what about Hitler? He made six million Jews toast.

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There's a sign in my local park that reads, 'Please do not cycle on the grass. You may injure a young child or an elderly person.' I'm pissed about the cycling ban, but at least they've suggested an alternative pastime.

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When I was a young lad, my body was a temple. A lot of priests entered it.

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My girlfriend hates giving me oral sex. I think that's what she was trying to say, anyway.

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I went for my first session with the psychoanalyst. ' Do you want me to lie on the couch,? ' I asked. ' We prefer you to tell the truth, ' he replied.

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If you notice a problem on the London Underground, you can report it by texting 61016. "See it. Say it. Sorted." Well, I messaged from the Edgeware train to tell them there's a nigger on board, and can you believe they arrested me instead of him?!!

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They say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Turns out the parents of that Cerebral Palsy kid on my street strongly disagree.

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Our mate with a stutter came to tell us his Nana died. By the time he had finished we were all singing Hey Jude.

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I was choosing a suicide clinic the other day. I thought Dignitas looked pretty reliable but I thought I'd check the reviews to be sure. Looks good so far: there aren't any.

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Why did Michael Jackson invent the Moonwalk? It was a great way to get out of kids' bedrooms unheard.

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Russian release plague I'm not worried. A good toothpaste will fix that

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Tories to build a £10 billion 'Britannia Shield' to defend Britain from drones and missiles. Fuck me, they can't even stop a dinghy.

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We left *that* place because of an insect. It has now even more of a cesspit full of fart jokes.... Please, for the love of God bannedinheaven Admin, don't let it go that way! Cheers.

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I thought my new Nike trainers were that design that says 'Allah' on the soles, but on closer inspection it turns out I've just trod in some dog shit.

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What do you call karate for amputees? Partial arts

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How many victims of the Grenfell disaster were black? All of them by the next morning.

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Christa Pike. Sponsored by Nokia.

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YOU ARE NOT WORTHLESS! After all, your organs are extremely expensive on the black market.

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Since I qualified as a doctor, I've found I can have my pick of the ladies. It's fucking great working on the coma ward.

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What do you call an Indian with a lot of life experience? Binder Dundat.

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Someone once called me illiterate. Bollocks. My folks had been married three years when they had me.

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Why do men in porn films use condoms? What a waste of time, men can't get other men pregnant anyway.

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Attended a Masturbation Addiction support group last night. No-one shook hands.

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Christa Pike wakes up, confused and disoriented from her botched execution. "Where am I?" She mumbles. She sees a blurry face staring down at her. "Is that you, Jesus?" Pike asks, groggily. "No, I'm not Jesus," smiles the face, as it slowly comes into focus. "Don't you remember me?" Pike struggles to place the face. "Yes," she says. "I know you...you were in court..." "That's right," the face says. "I'm on your legal team." "You're a lawyer?" Pike asks in horror. "That's right!" Pike screams. "Oh God!" she sobs. "I knew it! I knew it!" "Knew what?" Frowns the face. "I knew I was going to Hell!"

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Christa Pike can't be killed I'd send her to Dignitas and give them a go.

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The next James Bond will be made to satisfy the Woke brigade. Bond will start off as a man and transgender to a woman. The film will be called Cocktopussy.

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I tell women that I'm responsible for a large team of web developers. I find it gets a better reception than saying I live in a bedsit with a spider infestation.

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I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

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I'm told that Joe Pasquale speaks very highly of me.

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It is unbelievable how the American prison authorities seem to have so much difficulty killing somebody. I mean, how hard can it be? Their schoolboys do it several times a week.

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"This afterlife is fucking dogshit" Crista Pike diary entry 8th October 2026

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​I told my therapist, "Dancing with that mop as a kid was pure, innocent romance. The sex dolls were just a natural progression." ​He rubbed his temples and said, "I understand that. But I am, once again, begging you to stop telling people your girlfriend is 'soaking wet and smells like bleach.'

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I went on holiday to Paris and did my best to try to participate in the local culture. I set fire to a car and threw a brick at a policeman.

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How many Pakis does it take to overcharge for a lightbulb?

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I know a doctor who has over fifty sex dolls. Although his solicitor has told him to refer to them as 'coma patients' for the duration of the tribunal.

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They say '50 is the new 30'. I still got three points on my licence though.

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A scatophile goes to the barbers. Went for a number 2 all over

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Quasimodo was banging away at a prostitute up a deserted alleyway one night,when he felt some warm liquid running down his back. ' I'm sorry, ' said the prostitute, ' I've just been sick. ' ' Thank fuck for that, ' said Quasi, ' I thought my hump had burst. '

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What's the difference between Eddie Murphy and AIDS? They were both all over the news in the 1980s, but AIDS is still funny.

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"Watson I'm constipated" "No shit Sherlock"?

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Told my G.P. that I had a sore ankle. He looked at it and said, ' Gout. ' I thought,fucking hell,I've only just got here.

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Last night she said if I turn out the light I can stick it in her bum. Guess I should have let it cool down first.

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Just watched the African version of one born every minute. One dead every second.

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Words with different meanings. No 168: "Baby Spice" Andrew Windsor's aftershave

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Every time I see my Muslim neighbour she is always wearing a burka. I was shocked and surprised to see her sunbathing naked in the garden with her legs open. My eyes were immediately drawn to the dark bush of her pubic region. But when I took a closer look,it wasn't hair,it was flies.

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Her: Bring back men who plan dates and take care of women! Me: Cool. Bring back women who deserve that.

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I bought the world's most realistic female sex robot I switched it on and it said, "How much you pay for me?" I said about three grand..... ....It glared at me, rolled its eyes and stormed out

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I've been looking at past presidents and have come to the conclusion that America was better when the Mafia was involved.

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Paddy: Haven't seen you for a while Mick. Mick: I fell down the stairs and broke three legs. Paddy: But you've only got two legs. Mick: I was carrying the dog at the time.

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Jeffrey Departure

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