I went into an Ethiopian gift shop, "Have you got an I am four birthday card please?" I asked. "Sorry, " said the shopkeeper, "we've never needed them. "

0 comments

"Who's a pretty boy then,?" I said, as I pushed a dry cracker through the bars of the cage. "I want my mummy," he sobbed.

0 comments

I do an evening of stand up comedy and jokes for the patients at our local Hospice every six weeks. It always goes down very well. The good news is that I never need to change my act.

0 comments

I said, "The second best way to have sex with a woman is to be funny." "What's the first?," she asked. "A knife," I replied. "Haha," she laughed, "you're funny." "Good choice,"I said.

0 comments

Q: How do you stop a paki from choking? A: No one knows because no one has ever tried.

0 comments

I envy left wing people. I have to spend £50 on drugs or alcohol to act retarded. They don't have to pay a penny.

0 comments

I bought a jack in the box for 50p. But it doesn't work. Why am I not surprised.

0 comments

I went for a walk through the park and I kept on hearing, ' Mark ', ' Mark,Mark '. Five minutes later I found a dog with a hare lip tied to a lamppost.

0 comments

Annoy taxi drivers by ordering a taxi from a busy pub in the name of Spartacus.

0 comments

I couldn't understand why it was taking me longer to wash my face. Then I realised I was going bald.

0 comments

The wife's just thrown 5 cricket balls at me. I said one more and it's over.

0 comments

My niece wanted to play catch. She caught my AIDS.

0 comments

Dear sir/Madam, I know police seem to look younger as we age, but the copper who came to arrest the paedophile next door looked so young the peado got excited about it. Prince Andrew. Epstien Island.

0 comments

I left a note on my neighbour's car last night asking him to stop parking outside my house. I couldn't find a pen so I used my car keys.

0 comments

Keir Starmer is as much use as a woodpecker with a rubber beak.

0 comments

I was an accountant from the age of twenty to the age of thirty before I was sacked for no apparent reason. What a waste of fourteen years.

0 comments

I was playing loud music on the stereo yesterday morning, my neighbours loved it! They were banging on the walls requesting "Sunday Bloody Sunday" and Eminem's "Kill You". Nod to Gungho_ED.

0 comments

I bought a drum kit this week, but I was a bit worried about what the neighbours might think. But good on um! They bang along on the walls when I play and are really encouraging me

0 comments

My wife says she wants our sex life to be like a fairytale. So I've invited seven midgets to join in tonight

0 comments

As she lay there dead on the floor with blood still seeping from the wound the copper said to me, "OK, in your own words, tell me what happened. " "I don't know, it was an accident, I was cleaning it and it went off, "I answered. "IT'S A FUCKING BOW AND ARROW! " he yelled back at me.

0 comments

Hey, Luigi! You lika da women witha da juicy lips? Si,I jussa lova da juicy lips. You lika da women witha da bigga da tits? Mamma Mia, they driva me crazy. You lika da women witha da nice,tight ass? Amigo,a tight ass issa beautiful. Luigi,why you fucka my wife?

0 comments

I'm gobsmacked by the latest release of the Epstein files. Wow, wasn't Sarah Ferguson lucky that Jeffrey didn't reciprocate her invitation to marry her. Otherwise, she would have been married to a great nonce.

0 comments

When it comes to oral sex women are so much luckier than men. They can suck a dick and still doomscroll on their phones.

0 comments

What was the man in the iron mask's favourite food? Walled-off salad.

0 comments

Hello Mr Seaman. Good morning Mrs Windass, I see you are here with Mrs Belcher. Is Mr Woodcock okay? I'm afraid he woke up rather stiff this morning, so I have asked Miss Hooker to look after him. I was chatting to Mr Dickins earlier and he said that he and Miss Hooker regularly meet up. Well she is usually with Mr Cox. Do you happen to know if Mr Cummings is coming? I'll just check with Mrs Adcock. And do you know what time the Deed Poll Dodgers Society meeting starts please?

1 comment

Last Valentine's Day I proposed to my girlfriend but she said no. I thought £50 for anal was a very fair offer.

0 comments

I woke up from a nightmare,sweating. Was I dreaming? NO. I was watching Olympic Curling In retrospect, dreaming of paint drying would have been more exciting.

0 comments

I was worried that the mechanic would take advantage of me because I'm a blonde woman. Luckily, I only needed indicator fluid.

0 comments

If you only have two hours left to live,watch a Scottish football match. Then it will seem like four hours.

0 comments

How do you confuse an Irishman? Tell him even though it says sparkling on the label, it's still water.

0 comments

I used to work for a security company and one of my jobs was to drive Mick Jagger and Keith Richards around for a month. Anyway, one day they both decided they were going for some drugs in Paris and I couldn't find them again, got sacked as soon as I got back. Anyway it turned out to be a blessing in disguise as I was offered a job writing for a slimming publication because every woman wanted to know... ...how to lose two stones in a month.

0 comments

Apparently anything that is popular in China or India will have larger viewing figures than the Superbowl. So by that logic, ping pong and shitting in the streets is more popular than the Superbowl. Yeah, I get that.

0 comments

Gone Virgo.

0 comments