As we were undressing in the hotel room the prostitute said to me; 'Just so you know from the start, I don't do anal. Not for extra money, not for anything.' I replied, 'You know what? You're the worst fucking rent boy I've ever picked up.'

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I'm old enough to remember the good old days, when you could still find porn mags in bushes. And bushes in porn mags.

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Found a documentary box set about the making of The Vagina Monologues. I'm minge-watching it.

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I saw a sign today that said, 'Watch for Children.' I thought, 'That sounds like a fair trade,' but apparently, that’s not what it meant.

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At the cinema last night, for a laugh I flicked a few peanuts at a lass sitting a few rows in front of me. She didn't half overreact! Well, the paramedics called it Anaphylactic Shock.

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My granddad downed nineteen aircraft during his military service in World War Two. He's actually still famous as the worst mechanic the RAF ever had.

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I've just ordered and paid for a stripper for my wife's birthday I hope she likes her.

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Superman was flying through the sky when he saw Wondergirl laying naked on top of a building with her legs wide open. Superman took off his underwear, unzipped his trousers, and dived right in. Invisible man screamed like fuck.

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How many blacks does it take to tile a roof? 3 if you slice them thinly.

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​I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run inside and tell my wife, but then I remembered why I was digging in the garden.

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England's boots and the team's training equipment were stolen in transit from Florida to Kansas. What a break. A gifted excuse.

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An alien landed in my garden last night and said "take me to your leader" I said "I would but you'll be wasting your time he's useless"

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I have a habit of ruining the end of films for my family About 10 minutes before it's due to finish I start wanking off the dog

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I just learned Barry White is Black. I’ll be honest, based on his name, I was fully expecting him to be Chinese.

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The Englishman has his interview first, and for the last question the brewry owner asks "If you could put your pub anywhere in the world, where it be?" The Englishman responds "Id have a pub next to Buckingham Palace, withall those tourists you'd rake the money in" The Scotsman comes in after the Englishman and he is also asked the same questions. After thinking what his answer would be for the last question he responds "Id have my pub built into Ibrox, can you imagine how much all those football fans drink?" Lastly, the Irishman has his interview, the interview goes really well, and the Brewery owner is very impressed by this mans knowedge of Guinness and the like. Finally the Brewery owner asks the final question "If you could put your pub anywhere in the world, where it be?" The Irishman answers immediatley "Id put mine in Ethiopia" The Brewery ownwer asks in amazement "Why would you put your pub in Ethiopia?" The Irishman reponds "Well have you seen the beer bellys on those guys?"

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The wife and I went to Mumbai and stayed in a cheap hotel. The place was an absolute pit: filthy, thick with flies and absolutely pungent. The owner led us through the grimy, cockroach infested corridors to our room and just when we thought it couldn't get any worse he opened the door to reveal two huge cows just sitting there inside the hotel the room! "I hope you don't mind having a couple of roommates for the night," the owner said. "They are actually very clean but if you don't want them here I can put them in the yard." "You can't be serious!" I said. "Of course we don't want them in our room!" "Sorry, sir," said the owner. "I wasn't talking to you."

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I sent back a sundial I bought off Temu. It didn't show whether it was AM or PM.

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Upon hearing "The black eyed peas" song, "my lumps/ humps/ bumps or whatever" Thought it could be used in the new cancer research ad.

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What's brown and crawls up your leg? A homesick turd.

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I met my girlfriend when I brought a baby pigeon with a broken wing to their animal rescue group. Catching the pigeon was the hard part.

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I came up behind my wife and started squeezing her tits, hoping to get lucky. But I didn't find any lumps.

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How do you stop a dog humping your leg? Pick it up and suck it off.

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Really enjoyed the highlights from the USA Those ICE agents don't take any shit do they?

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During WW2 my grandad flew a Spitfire against the Germans. Meanwhile my grandma got spitroasted by the Americans.

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I love my girlfriend's big black tits. But Dr. Buzzkill says she needs a double mastectomy.

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And what do you chuck an Ethiopian that's drowning? A polo mint.

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What do call a thousand Ethiopians in a swimming pool? Coco Pops

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What do call a hundred Ethiopians in a plastic bag? Twiglets

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What do call 4 Ethiopians in a sleeping bag? Kit Kat

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What do call 2 Ethiopians in a sleeping bag? Twix

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"Hello is that the Swiss embassy? Please can you put me through to the Funny As Fuck department?"

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When I was young, our family was so poor we had to wank the dog off to feed the cat.

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A young priest, a bishop and a cardinal were in a train station trying to get to Pittsburgh. The young priest goes to the window, and the ticket lady is quiet nice to the eyes, wearing a low-cut blouse with the top couple buttons undone. "Umm, ah," the priest stammers, "we want three pickets to Titsburgh." The bishop grabs the priest and pushes him aside. "Young man, you need to control your earthly desires, or you have no business in the priesthood. I'll get the tickets." The bishop goes to the window and says "We want three TICKETS to PITTSBURGH, and we want our change in nipples and dimes." The cardinal grabs the bishop. "Now, I shouldn't have to give you the same lecture you gave the priest. I'll get the tickets." "Okay," the cardinal says, "we want three TICKETS to PITTSBURGH, we want our change in NICKLES and dimes, and young lady, you better change your ways and not try to show off your blessings or when you die St. Finger is going to wave his peter at you."

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