David Walliams attraction removed from Alton Towers Why? What did the kid do??

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"give it to me you bastard, I'm soaking wet, give it to me now!" So I gave her the umbrella.

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They’re saying they’ve found photos of Thomas Markle with minors. Bollocks. It’s not coal dust. His kids really are that colour.

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Thomas Markle faces up to 20 years in prison. Less than the sentence Harry will serve with his daughter.

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My dad was a big fan of crosswords. If I ever said a word he'd get cross. And punch my mum down the stairs.

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You'll never see a lazy fly. They like to be on top of shit.

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Why did the black child cry? He was having a mid-life crisis.

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I don't procrastinate. I wait until the last minute to do things, because I will be older and therefore wiser.

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My wife says I'm too prudish in bed. Nonsense. I'm up for absolutely anything, as long as it's in accordance with God's Holy Law as written in the Scriptures.

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I don't believe Michael Jackson ever fucked kids. A black man can change the colour of his skin, but not the size of his cock.

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Katherine Ryan feels 'grief and relief' as Russell Brand faces jail. I understand how she feels, if I was so ugly even he wouldn't fuck me I'd be upset too.

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My chav neighbours got a bouncy castle for their daughter's 13th birthday and had all her friends over. Now my bedroom window is 'double glazed'.

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As a convicted sex offender, Russell Brand will be a marked man in prison. He should try cracking a few jokes to curry favour with his fellow inmates. I know a few awesome rape jokes he could tell.

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I asked my teenage son why he keeps calling me a twat. He said it's because his mother doesn't like to hear the word cunt.

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Wayne Rooney has been named Pundit Of The Year by the Broadcast Sports awards. I can't believe Eni Aluko was overlooked.

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A boy lost his job at a chip shop so his dad went over to find out why. The owner said, "I caught him with the potato peeler up his arse". "Can I see this potato peeler?", asked the lad's father. "No, we sacked him too", replied the owner...

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I'm in Krakow for a stag do. We've had a few rounds, now starting on shots.

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Police cars, ambulances and fire engines were spotted racing to HMP Wandsworth today, where Russell Brand is being held on remand. Fire engines? Sounds like the bull queens decided to skip the lube.

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I wish my neighbours dogs would stop barking I can't hear the fireworks, it's just plain rude

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Russell Brand's prison plagued by rats, according to watchdog. At least he's in appropriate company.

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After retirement from the Army, I do enjoy the easier life nowdays. However my back does go out more often than I do.

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