I like my coffee how I like my women No pubes

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My girlfriend got pregnant because her coil didn't work. She's expecting a baby in the spring.

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I painted my motor home pink, gave the headlights eyelashes and fitted net curtains. It's now a camper van. No, you fuck off.

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After a prostate exam, the doctor quickly leaves and a nurse enters with a worried look. She whispers the words no man wants to hear: "Who the fuck was that guy?".

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Home-Ec Teacher: "Now children, how do you make olive spread?" Little Jonny: "Two bottles of Vodka and rohypnol, Miss?"

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Why's a 16 year old like a five pound note? They're both legal and they're both tender.

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I find it impossible to get laid these days. Which is ironic as I'm egg shaped.

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Why does Pornhub think women over 40 are " barely legal"

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The school phoned me and said "Can you come down, your son has been telling lies again" I said "Well tell him he's good, i haven't got any kids"

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My wife rang me earlier. "Where are you?" She screamed. "I've been stuck outside this house in the rain for an hour!" "I'm having a few beers with the boys," I said. "Well I need you to come and open the door for me," she snapped. "I've forgot my key." "Calm down," I replied. "I'll send Tony through from the kitchen."

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"Grasshopper, when you can snatch the pebble from my hand, it will be time for you to lea....." "Bastard......best of three?"

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Large Kebab £7.00 Your Only Fans £9.99 Why would I pay more to look at the same thing without chips and a can of coke???

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If you're ever attacked by a bear, simply lie down and play dead. If you’re not sure how to do this, here is a demonstration video of my ex-girlfriend during sex.

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You know when you get that urge to eat something just because it's there? Well I lost my job as a Gynecologist today Quote: Original Sicki

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I saw a woman in Tesco struggling to control her kids. She looked really stressed. Then she accidently knocked over and smashed a bottle of milk. She dropped to her knees and burst into tears, surrounded by spilled milk. It reminded me of something my dad used to say to my mum, so I walked over to her and said; "Get a fucking grip, you stupid cow."

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"Come in number 9 your time is up" "Boss, we’ve only got 8 boats." "No 6 are you in trouble?"

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When people ask me what I do for a living, I tell them I am a part-time gynaecologist! I wait for the doctor to go for lunch, sneak into his office and try to get through as many patients as I can in 45 minutes!

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The gorgeous girl next door has started running. Every time I start to open my coat.

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Channel 4 is making an adult themed re-enactment of the Battle of Waterloo! I've got Napoleon's Boner part

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"Never go to sleep on an argument" Stay up and win!

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I just saw the wife trip over and drop a massive basket of clothes she just ironed I watched it all unfold

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Nobody was interested in my carpentry class. Then I offered to teach them how to make glory holes. Now they're all coming out of the woodwork.

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I was walking past a school playground and from over the fence I heard all the kids chanting "13,13,13!" So curious, I looked through a hole in the fence, and felt a sharp pain in my eye. Then all the kids started chanting "14,14,14!"

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I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her arse. I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge.

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Cars have too many gadgets these days. I was reversing my car and it started playing a video of someone getting run over by a car.

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Annoy taxi drivers by ordering a taxi from a busy pub in the name of Spartacus.

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My wife left me today. I'm gutted, I'd just bought a seesaw.

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For Sale: Bottles of sauce. HP available.

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The gorgeous girl next door has started running. I’d love to take the credit. But it was probably the balaclava.

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I've applied for a job teaching advanced geometry. I'll get it easily as I have 90 degrees.

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I got my phone bill earlier and it came to over £200. That's the last time I ring "Stuttering Sluts Live."

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My wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with the Internet. Worse than that, my son Google agrees with her.

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I was an accountant from the age of twenty to the age of thirty before I was sacked for no apparent reason. What a waste of fourteen years.

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I keep having horrible nightmares about fruit machines. My wife has been really supportive, she wakes me up with a nudge, and then she holds me.

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This dry January is getting really hard now.

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My wife kicked me out last night for being drunk and "out of control." Fucking pathetic allowing women to be bouncers anyway.

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If Adam and Eve only had two sons... And Cain killed Abel... And we are all descendants... That means... Cain is the world's first 🥇 motherfucker!!!

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True story. I taught at an English adult language school in Japan. Small class of 3 old ladies aged early 70s. Theme of the lesson was Japanese folklore. So, I got the ball rolling with the story of a Japanese prince who gave up his inheritance to marry a girl from the outcast society (burakumin). The three ladies were kinda shocked at the end when I mentioned they got married, and I was pleasantly surprised at my storytelling skill. Anyway. The lesson progressed rather hesitantly. However, their reaction kinda bugged me. About 5 days later, lying in bed, the whole horror suddenly hit me. I hadn't said "he fell in love and married with a burakumin girl". I had said "he fell in love and married with a bukakke girl"! Japan, 2003ish

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My wife says she wants our sex life to be like a fairytale. So I've invited seven midgets to join in tonight

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I was mugged last night by a boy with a knife. The police think he was local as the knife still had butter on it.

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I've ate so much food over Christmas that i had to phone a midwife tonight to help me go to the toilet.

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Statistically- nine out of ten people enjoy gang rape

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Why copy sickipedia, dude? You copycat. Create something original

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