The school phoned me and said "Can you come down, your son has been telling lies again" I said "Well tell him he's good, i haven't got any kids"

0 comments

"Come in number 9 your time is up" "Boss, we’ve only got 8 boats." "No 6 are you in trouble?"

1 comment

I saw a woman in Tesco struggling to control her kids. She looked really stressed. Then she accidently knocked over and smashed a bottle of milk. She dropped to her knees and burst into tears, surrounded by spilled milk. It reminded me of something my dad used to say to my mum, so I walked over to her and said; "Get a fucking grip, you stupid cow."

0 comments

Nobody was interested in my carpentry class. Then I offered to teach them how to make glory holes. Now they're all coming out of the woodwork.

0 comments

My wife left me today. I'm gutted, I'd just bought a seesaw.

0 comments

For Sale: Bottles of sauce. HP available.

0 comments

I got my phone bill earlier and it came to over £200. That's the last time I ring "Stuttering Sluts Live."

0 comments

I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her arse. I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge.

0 comments

Cars have too many gadgets these days. I was reversing my car and it started playing a video of someone getting run over by a car.

0 comments

My wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with the Internet. Worse than that, my son Google agrees with her.

0 comments

Annoy taxi drivers by ordering a taxi from a busy pub in the name of Spartacus.

0 comments

I keep having horrible nightmares about fruit machines. My wife has been really supportive, she wakes me up with a nudge, and then she holds me.

0 comments

This dry January is getting really hard now.

0 comments

My wife kicked me out last night for being drunk and "out of control." Fucking pathetic allowing women to be bouncers anyway.

0 comments

My wife says she wants our sex life to be like a fairytale. So I've invited seven midgets to join in tonight

0 comments

I was an accountant from the age of twenty to the age of thirty before I was sacked for no apparent reason. What a waste of fourteen years.

0 comments

I was mugged last night by a boy with a knife. The police think he was local as the knife still had butter on it.

0 comments

I've ate so much food over Christmas that i had to phone a midwife tonight to help me go to the toilet.

0 comments

Statistically- nine out of ten people enjoy gang rape

0 comments

Why copy sickipedia, dude? You copycat. Create something original

4 comments