| 24 |
10-08-2026 19:02 |
I was walking back to my place with this fat bird I'd pulled. I said "have you g
|
| 22 |
27-07-2026 08:41 |
I saw my mate who has no legs yesterday waiting at the bus stop. I said "alright
|
| 19 |
11-06-2026 20:11 |
We call my grandad "Spiderman" he hasn't got any special powers, he just can't g
|
| 18 |
05-08-2026 19:14 |
A ticket inspector banged on the door of the train toilet and said "where's your
|
| 17 |
11-08-2026 08:59 |
Trials to fly a new type of aeroplane powered by gas have been abandoned after t
|
| 17 |
19-07-2026 15:49 |
My girlfriend got pregnant because her coil didn't work.
She's expecting a baby
|
| 17 |
10-07-2026 22:55 |
I went to the barbers and said "I want my hair cut like Tom Cruise" so he sat me
|
| 16 |
31-07-2026 08:56 |
People used to say that I was like Bill Oddie. I would often hide in bushes to s
|
| 16 |
24-07-2026 19:43 |
I don't know what's worse, me getting caught fucking my daughter, or the abortio
|
| 16 |
07-06-2026 15:48 |
My local authority have plans to build a sewage farm near me. It won't be popula
|
| 16 |
03-06-2026 21:52 |
I painted my motor home pink, gave the headlights eyelashes and fitted net curta
|
| 15 |
07-08-2026 09:25 |
I walked past a homeless guy in a doorway and dropped a few quid in his cup. A p
|
| 15 |
03-08-2026 11:37 |
A customer just asked me if we sold condoms.
I said we don't, but have you tri
|
| 15 |
24-07-2026 14:13 |
My wife said to me yesterday "do you want to suck my tits?"
I said "no, I don't
|
| 15 |
22-07-2026 09:33 |
My mates call me "polythene bag"
I said "is that because I'm thin and flimsy?"
|
| 15 |
04-06-2026 18:16 |
I've been watching a lot of "reality" porn lately.
You know, where the couple g
|
| 14 |
13-08-2026 18:25 |
I've taken up meditation.
It's better than siting about doing nothing.
|
| 14 |
10-08-2026 19:33 |
I asked my wife how many men she had slept with. She said "only you"
I said "wo
|
| 14 |
21-07-2026 09:00 |
My wife walked in on me fucking a girl at work up the arse. She screamed "you ca
|
| 14 |
16-07-2026 07:28 |
Q. What's better than winning a world cup?
A. Winning a war
Fuck you Argentina
|
| 13 |
15-08-2026 10:34 |
I've just watched some porn where an interracial couple fuck. She's on her perio
|
| 13 |
13-08-2026 16:19 |
I phoned my Glaswegian boss and said I couldn't come in as I had a little cough
|
| 13 |
08-08-2026 17:54 |
My wife came back from the hospital and said she'd been diagnosed with Parkinson
|
| 13 |
08-08-2026 11:05 |
I'm not saying that my wife is fat, but she fell down the stairs last night and
|
| 13 |
03-08-2026 18:15 |
The police stopped me last night as I was driving home. They said "have you had
|
| 13 |
08-07-2026 19:35 |
I'm just watching the Tour de France. I don't know why they bother, the bloke at
|
| 13 |
26-06-2026 19:19 |
When I first met my future wife I thought "wow, what an arse!"
Sadly, she thoug
|
| 13 |
08-06-2026 11:12 |
When people say "he's alright once you get to know him" it actually means "he's
|
| 13 |
07-06-2026 18:44 |
Breaking news:
three cliff walkers fall to their death in lake district.
What
|
| 13 |
02-06-2026 08:18 |
I asked my wife if I could fuck her up the arse. She
said "why the hell would I
|
| 12 |
12-08-2026 09:01 |
I'm apauled by casual racism in this country. That's why I always wear a suit an
|
| 12 |
28-07-2026 07:14 |
My grandad was tortured by the Japanese during the war. They cut his tongue out.
|
| 12 |
30-06-2026 18:19 |
I've just finished a bird table and my Mrs has gone mental. I only put her at no
|
| 12 |
23-06-2026 16:35 |
It's so hot, I'm sweating like a pikey doing a spelling test.
|
| 12 |
22-06-2026 06:39 |
I find it impossible to get laid these days. Which is ironic as I'm egg shaped.
|
| 12 |
15-06-2026 17:46 |
I'm so glad the world cup is on. I can hang my England flag without being accuse
|
| 11 |
14-08-2026 14:54 |
According to the Scouting association, the UK's largest group of brownies is in
|
| 11 |
12-08-2026 14:42 |
If anyone is interested, I've got some blinding deals on fake eclipse glasses.
|
| 11 |
11-08-2026 18:05 |
I've just published a book about telekinesis. It's a bestseller, absolutely flyi
|
| 11 |
05-08-2026 10:54 |
I was scrolling through some disgusting child abuse videos on the dark web and I
|
| 11 |
27-07-2026 08:38 |
A ship was wrecked and the only survivor was a man and his dog . After weeks at
|
| 11 |
26-07-2026 19:01 |
I saw a hearse today. The wreath said "Dad"
They missed the e out.
|
| 11 |
24-07-2026 22:45 |
I went into my bank yesterday. The girl on the desk had a badge on that said "Pa
|
| 11 |
23-07-2026 08:18 |
I had a very difficult childhood. My mum died when she was 12 and my dad was a p
|
| 11 |
18-07-2026 12:33 |
Whenever I see a black guy walking towards me, I instinctively put my hand on my
|
| 11 |
15-07-2026 07:59 |
I was in Glasgow and walked past a building that said it was a "battered women's
|
| 11 |
13-07-2026 17:56 |
"copper nitrate"
What the police earn after 10pm
|
| 11 |
06-07-2026 19:01 |
I was in Specsavers today, guess who I bumped into....... everyone
|
| 11 |
17-06-2026 17:51 |
A few years back, I arranged to meet a policeman via a chat room. When I opened
|
| 11 |
08-06-2026 19:55 |
I went to see Jo Brand. She walked on stage and I shouted "don't get your tits o
|
| 11 |
08-06-2026 19:15 |
In 1066 William the 1st assembled 2000 Normans in France ready to invade England
|
| 11 |
31-05-2026 18:54 |
A mermaids vital statistics: 24-36-£4.99 a kilo.
|
| 11 |
31-05-2026 17:44 |
Chicken is so expensive, I've started catching seagulls. You have to cook them q
|
| 10 |
10-08-2026 19:31 |
I once dated an anethsthetist. She was a local girl, a real knockout.
|
| 10 |
08-08-2026 09:38 |
My grandad worked in a paint factory.
He died when he fell into a vat of varni
|
| 10 |
06-08-2026 06:43 |
I saw a bloke on crutches today, wearing a camouflage suit. I thought "you can h
|
| 10 |
02-08-2026 15:03 |
I saw an old mate in the pub. I said "how are things?"
He said"great, my busine
|
| 10 |
28-07-2026 15:19 |
Whenever I give blood, I get asked awkward questions. Like: who's is it? where d
|
| 10 |
25-07-2026 19:37 |
What do you call a Chinese woman with a food mixer on her head?
Blenda
|
| 10 |
24-07-2026 14:12 |
My wife is so fat, when she pulls her knickers down, her arse is still in them.
|
| 10 |
23-07-2026 16:54 |
I went into the bakers and said "is that a cheesecake or a meragnue?"
The baker
|
| 10 |
17-07-2026 07:45 |
My wife hates it when I hold the door open for her. She says "why can't I just h
|
| 10 |
12-07-2026 06:05 |
Jack and Jill went up the hill
to get some chips and sweeties.
Jack can't kee
|
| 10 |
30-06-2026 07:36 |
I went to the chemist and asked for some strong anti dandruff shampoo, pile oint
|
| 10 |
26-06-2026 12:26 |
There's only one thing worse than someone walking up to you with a big knife in
|
| 10 |
19-06-2026 18:58 |
I went into a tattoo parlor in East London and said "do you do piercings?"
The
|
| 10 |
14-06-2026 17:28 |
I upset a girl once who'd just been raped by telling a joke about rape.
Well, I
|
| 10 |
07-06-2026 10:00 |
I bought a pair of epileptic trousers. I had to take them back as they didn't fi
|
| 10 |
28-05-2026 08:34 |
I've just had a log burner fitted,but it's so much easier to just flush them.
|
| 9 |
10-08-2026 15:04 |
I went out with this really ugly Swedish girl once, she had a face like a'norse
|
| 9 |
09-08-2026 11:52 |
My uncle died working in a brewery. He fell into a vat of lager and drowned. It
|
| 9 |
07-08-2026 14:01 |
Katie Price is a keen swimmer, she said she likes to get as many lengths in as p
|
| 9 |
03-08-2026 20:39 |
Lloyds of London once claimed to be the world's largest insurance company. The c
|
| 9 |
31-07-2026 11:59 |
A young lad comes downstairs one morning to see his mum breast feeding his baby
|
| 9 |
22-07-2026 18:56 |
Two candles were talking, one said "what are you doing tonight?"
The other said
|
| 9 |
19-07-2026 13:04 |
My wife does NOT have Tourettes, I really am a fucking cunt.
|
| 9 |
15-07-2026 08:01 |
I walked into the takeaway and said "cod and chips twice"
The bloke behind the
|
| 9 |
26-06-2026 19:24 |
My wife asked me for £150 a month for the weight loss jab. I gave her £20 to buy
|
| 9 |
26-06-2026 07:17 |
Apparently my hypochondria and constant trips to clinics is a burden to the NHS.
|
| 9 |
21-06-2026 12:01 |
My wife got a job in a care home. She said that they give all the old men viagra
|
| 9 |
21-06-2026 08:56 |
Q. What do you give the man who has everything?
A. Penecillin
|
| 9 |
19-06-2026 07:33 |
For the sake of their future development, never put your three year old in crocs
|
| 9 |
07-06-2026 15:54 |
I'll never forget the time there were two girls fighting over me in the street.
|
| 9 |
07-06-2026 09:57 |
One for our older readers:
I was in the pub with my wife. She said "stop lookin
|
| 9 |
29-05-2026 19:54 |
A dog just chased me up the road on my bike.
Fuck knows how it reached the peda
|
| 9 |
29-05-2026 00:00 |
Religion, same shit, different deity.
|
| 8 |
05-08-2026 19:09 |
I farted on the bus the other day, it was just like being on "the voice" four pe
|
| 8 |
05-08-2026 10:09 |
When I was young, my dad abused me really badly. The useless cunt couldn't even
|
| 8 |
03-08-2026 21:47 |
I took this fat bird home last night but I was really struggling. Eventually I s
|
| 8 |
20-07-2026 16:08 |
I've looked through all my cookery books, but I still can't find the recipe for
|
| 8 |
20-07-2026 06:45 |
A lot of blokes would love to have a heart attack having sex. What a great way t
|
| 8 |
17-07-2026 17:19 |
"canape"
A bankrupt Scotsman
|
| 8 |
07-07-2026 20:50 |
I got to the end of the till queue and the girl said "sorry about the wait"
I s
|
| 8 |
30-06-2026 13:33 |
I've just found out that although Mohammeds wife Aishea was only 6 when he marri
|
| 8 |
30-06-2026 13:27 |
My grandad got the idea for a super strong adhesive when he was tortured by the
|
| 8 |
26-06-2026 19:22 |
I said to my wife "how did you get so fat?"
She said "well, when we were first
|
| 8 |
26-06-2026 12:22 |
My wife refuses to have a colostomy operation
She says she can't find shoes to
|
| 8 |
23-06-2026 16:37 |
Someone has stolen all the bus stop signs in my street. For fuck sake, where do
|
| 8 |
14-06-2026 06:43 |
When I was young, our family was so poor we had to wank the dog off to feed the
|
| 8 |
12-06-2026 07:24 |
Why did the pervert cross the road?
He had his cock in the chicken
|
| 8 |
08-06-2026 06:51 |
"Never go to sleep on an argument"
Stay up and win!
|
| 8 |
07-06-2026 15:50 |
I've just bought an LG TV with BT broadband. All I can get is programs about the
|
| 8 |
04-06-2026 18:01 |
I've just bought a polo shirt and it's got a massive hole in it.
|
| 8 |
02-06-2026 21:50 |
The worst thing about having a daughter with cancer is that you can't pull her h
|
| 8 |
31-05-2026 17:46 |
There have been reports of a dogging site appearing in a Surrey village. It's ri
|
| 8 |
25-05-2026 17:14 |
The "modern" definition of incest:
When you can taste your dad's fanny on your
|
| 8 |
25-05-2026 17:12 |
My wife has new job as a traffic warden. I think the power has gone to her head.
|
| 7 |
16-08-2026 10:45 |
I think my wife is training to be a lighthouse keeper. Someone keeps messaging h
|
| 7 |
09-08-2026 18:15 |
"where's mum?"
"she's gone to Tesco to get some ginger cake"
"jamaica?"
"nope
|
| 7 |
03-08-2026 15:24 |
"minimum wage" we'd love to pay you less, but aren't allowed to.
|
| 7 |
01-08-2026 14:27 |
Venison used to be a cheap meat, but now it's dead dear
|
| 7 |
25-07-2026 19:03 |
My mate who has Tourettes has just bought a new car. I asked him if he bought it
|
| 7 |
20-07-2026 07:12 |
My grandfather died doing what he always enjoyed. The 10 year old he was doing i
|
| 7 |
19-07-2026 19:04 |
I hate it when your cock touches the water in the toilet bowl. I have to stand o
|
| 7 |
18-07-2026 18:30 |
Teacher; there are 10 bars of chocolate on the table. Jamal takes 6. What colour
|
| 7 |
18-07-2026 18:28 |
Spoiler alert!
The wing on the back of my car has fallen off.
|
| 7 |
17-07-2026 16:08 |
"Gemma Collins has left the building"
She's eaten everything else, but left the
|
| 7 |
13-07-2026 17:38 |
They say size doesn't matter. But all my wallpaper fell off
|
| 7 |
28-06-2026 23:29 |
I like my women like my coffee. From the corner of the street and I never pay mo
|
| 7 |
28-06-2026 23:21 |
Women call me ugly until they find out how much I earn. Then they call me ugly a
|
| 7 |
27-06-2026 19:50 |
Just reading about the latest food scandal. They've found traces of uncle Ben's
|
| 7 |
23-06-2026 16:33 |
Im not saying it's hot, but my spreadable butter now pours.
|
| 7 |
22-06-2026 06:43 |
I was in the pub with my date. She said "there's a really hard looking bloke ove
|
| 7 |
17-06-2026 11:51 |
My wife was getting undressed in the bedroom. I said "move away from the window
|
| 7 |
17-06-2026 10:50 |
Coming soon to Amazon prime : Clarksons chemo
|
| 7 |
10-06-2026 08:16 |
Q. what's brown, 8 inches long and starts with a P?
A. a shit
|
| 7 |
05-06-2026 17:41 |
I attended my first session of "mysanthropes anonymous" last night. Nobody else
|
| 7 |
05-06-2026 17:06 |
When I was young I was very tall. I was as tall as the world's largest bird. But
|
| 7 |
04-06-2026 15:08 |
This child obesity crisis isn't all bad. At last, 10 year olds with decent size
|
| 6 |
07-08-2026 13:07 |
I went for an eye test and the optician said
"can you read this?"
I said "DZG
|
| 6 |
17-07-2026 17:16 |
They say beauty is just skin deep.
In that case, my wife was born inside out.
|
| 6 |
10-07-2026 17:09 |
Police arrest man for Anne Widecombe murder.
Hopefully there won't be a rape ch
|
| 6 |
09-07-2026 19:29 |
I can't stop looking at young kids on the beach in swimming trunks. I think I mi
|
| 6 |
07-07-2026 20:16 |
I used tour with Johnny Cash when I was younger, well somebody had to empty thos
|
| 6 |
30-06-2026 19:41 |
A girl walks into a pub and asks the barman for an innuendo. So he gave her one.
|
| 6 |
30-06-2026 09:35 |
I was in the fish bar last night. The guy asked if I'd like to order from the AI
|
| 6 |
25-06-2026 12:09 |
I hate Nigel Farage so much I've been getting up early just to hate him for long
|
| 6 |
13-06-2026 08:18 |
An alien landed in my garden last night and said "take me to your leader"
I sai
|
| 6 |
08-06-2026 19:19 |
I was walking past a school playground and from over the fence I heard all the k
|
| 6 |
05-06-2026 06:56 |
During the war, many of the RAF's bombers were built by Vickers. But they were t
|
| 6 |
04-06-2026 18:17 |
"King penguin"
A particularly annoying penguin.
|
| 6 |
04-06-2026 18:03 |
I went to an underwater disco night last night. I pulled a muscle
Yep, it's shi
|
| 6 |
04-06-2026 15:10 |
Grooming products are getting so expensive.
£1.10 for a tube of Smarties!
|
| 6 |
28-05-2026 23:59 |
There's a bloke at work who's an unorthodox jew. He's a Nazi.
|
| 5 |
15-08-2026 17:23 |
My parents are mixed race. My mum ran the 100 meters and my dad is Jamaican
|
| 5 |
14-08-2026 14:21 |
Following the ban on disposable barbecues, it's now Andy Don't Burnham
|
| 5 |
08-08-2026 16:30 |
Make up sex is the best. Although my girlfriend hates it when I wear lipstick wh
|
| 5 |
04-08-2026 17:55 |
My phone notification went off and my wife said "who's that again?"
I said spam
|
| 5 |
03-08-2026 05:31 |
Like Ash , I'm also a part time gynecologist.
I'm just keeping my hand in
|
| 5 |
01-08-2026 11:09 |
Life begins at............................ the Old Bailey
|
| 5 |
29-07-2026 09:08 |
Just watching that docu-drama about John Worboys the black cab rapist. Boris Joh
|
| 5 |
27-07-2026 08:33 |
I came home last night with two black eyes, a fat lip and a broken nose.
The h
|
| 5 |
20-07-2026 17:05 |
I spent three years in the circus. I didn't have an act or anything, I was the o
|
| 5 |
20-07-2026 14:52 |
I've just come back from Gran Canaria. It's full of old women
|
| 5 |
10-07-2026 17:07 |
I'm not saying that my feet smell bad, but my odour eaters are obese.
|
| 5 |
03-07-2026 21:26 |
I'm so unlucky, if I fell in a barrel of tits I'd come out sucking my thumb.
|
| 5 |
27-06-2026 09:45 |
'mum, what's for dinner? "
" nibbles'
"aawww, I loved that hamster."
|
| 5 |
23-06-2026 15:23 |
My mate got caught stealing stratch cards from where he worked.
He got 200 hours
|
| 5 |
22-06-2026 06:47 |
"give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day. Beat him to death with his own
|
| 5 |
21-06-2026 10:24 |
I got my wife a personalized birthday card from
🎶 fat pig.com 🎶
|
| 5 |
04-06-2026 18:13 |
My mate has had a motorcycle accident. He has a broken leg, broken ribs and brai
|
| 5 |
04-06-2026 18:09 |
My daughter has a Norwegian boyfriend who's dad owns a Hi-Fi shop. She's banging
|
| 5 |
03-06-2026 09:33 |
I was in the pub last night and there was a
Bonnie Tyler tribute act on stage
|
| 5 |
25-05-2026 00:28 |
I've applied for a job teaching advanced geometry. I'll get it easily as I have
|
| 5 |
18-05-2026 10:25 |
Be thankful for the small things in life.
Unless it's your cock.
|
| 4 |
16-08-2026 19:47 |
From the Katie Price homecare range.
meme
|
| 4 |
16-08-2026 16:25 |
I was in a restaurant and I asked the waiter for some mineral water. He said "st
|
| 4 |
16-08-2026 14:11 |
My wife is leaving me because of my 24/7 Bon Jovi obsession. She said "I'm leavi
|
| 4 |
16-08-2026 07:47 |
I wonder what fish smelled of before women learned to swim?
|
| 4 |
14-08-2026 10:15 |
When I was younger, I traveled all over the country working with "The Skids"
No
|
| 4 |
12-08-2026 06:53 |
"President swapped flights by hiding in food container"
The first time this has
|
| 4 |
12-08-2026 06:49 |
When it comes to sexual assault performance, Joshua Levi Smith is the best, hand
|
| 4 |
11-08-2026 19:30 |
I caused a major incident at work and the health and safety executive came down
|
| 4 |
02-08-2026 10:16 |
My experience with women is that if you have to move stuff to get to what you wa
|
| 4 |
27-07-2026 21:32 |
Bill Oddie dead.
That's sad isn'tit
|
| 4 |
03-07-2026 08:21 |
Do lifeboats have lifeboats?
|
| 4 |
29-06-2026 11:41 |
Words cannot express how attractive you are .
But numbers can 4/10
|
| 4 |
05-06-2026 16:26 |
Anthony Dead
|
| 4 |
04-06-2026 17:57 |
My mate asked me what my wife did for a living. I said "it's hard to say really,
|
| 4 |
04-06-2026 15:07 |
I'm shagging this girl who loves me to dress up as a Norse god.
It's a very Lok
|
| 4 |
29-05-2026 11:54 |
Gaffer tape is like "The Force"
It's light on one side, dark on the other and h
|
| 4 |
25-05-2026 17:09 |
I fucking hate supermarkets. I bought a bottle of scotch yesterday and the fat c
|
| 3 |
10-08-2026 08:32 |
Me? Successfull? Listen, I started out with nothing and after 30 years, I still
|
| 3 |
11-07-2026 15:36 |
Sky news criticized for discussing whether Anne Widecombe died a virgin. Well, s
|
| 3 |
29-06-2026 11:02 |
Penelope Keith. The good death
|
| 3 |
28-06-2026 21:18 |
My dad won't like this yeast based spread on his toast, but MA might.
|
| 3 |
28-06-2026 06:47 |
"Jamie Varley faces new peadophile quiz"
He'll definitely get them all right.
|
| 3 |
28-06-2026 06:40 |
I've been updating some song lyrics for 2026.
Shaggys "it wasn't me" chorus now
|
| 3 |
12-06-2026 20:43 |
I would never fly tip. Those dirty fuckers never give good service.
|
| 3 |
12-06-2026 20:39 |
Mr Mrs dragged me out shoe shopping last week . But I got my own back the week a
|
| 2 |
17-08-2026 14:14 |
How can you tell if Susan Boyle isn't wearing knickers?
Her shoes are covered i
|
