Confusion over events involving a boy and a crocodile in Huntingdon. Things weren't helped by a dog stealing his sausages while onlookers shouted "that's the way to do it."
Animals scotty (146) · 19-06-2026 2115I wish they would bring back plastic straws. I find it quite tiresome having to strangle turtles with my bare hands.
Animals Stallion 🥉 (1334) · 29-05-2026 0655Chicken is so expensive, I've started catching seagulls. You have to cook them quick though, or they eat all your chips.
Animals Stickyagain 🥉 (541) · 31-05-2026 1744I met my girlfriend when I brought a baby pigeon with a broken wing to their animal rescue group. Catching the pigeon was the hard part.
Animals ianwatkins 🥉 🥈 (1368) · 14-06-2026 0514When I was about 14, a Catholic priest took me aside one time. He said, 'Listen to me, my son; every time you pleasure yourself sexually, a kitten dies.' And for years I believed that, but not any more. Now that I've perfected my technique, they often survive.
Animals theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥈 (1063) · 15-06-2026 1627How do you stop a dog humping your leg? Pick it up and suck it off.
I have a habit of ruining the end of films for my family About 10 minutes before it's due to finish I start wanking off the dog
Animals root (192) · 13-06-2026 2331I asked the waiter how they prepare the chicken. They said they tell the chicken up front they're going to die.
Animals innit (350) · 02-06-2026 0219A dog just chased me up the road on my bike. Fuck knows how it reached the pedals.
Animals Stickyagain 🥉 (541) · 29-05-2026 1954My daughter asked why the cat was licking itself. I told her it’s because it’s the only way to get the taste of my cock out of its mouth.
Animals mrjayhey (122) · 19-06-2026 1752Why did the pervert cross the road? He had his cock in the chicken
Animals Stickyagain 🥉 (541) · 12-06-2026 0724Why do they call the Camel ship of the desert? Because they are full of Arab Seamen
Animals Allobosca 🥇 🥇 🥇 (1829) · 21-06-2026 0832I have a terrible track record for keeping pets. That's the fourth hamster I've lost so far this year. If it doesn't turn up soon I'm going to A and E.
Animals supergalley (603) · 16-06-2026 0947A young Greek boy is walking in the hills above his hometown when he happens across an elderly man who is sat on a rock quietly weeping. The boy walks up to the man and asks him what is wrong, he replies: "Look down there to the harbour young man, what do you see? Lots of boats, fishing boats, I made half of those boats with my bare hands. Do they call me Nikos the boat-builder? No they do not! Look to the edge of town, just there, a dozen houses. I built all of those houses from the ground up with just my hands and the sweat of my brow, do they call me Nikos the house-builder? No they do not! One time, one goat . . ."
Animals DdraigGoch (488) · 06-06-2026 1137When I was young I was very tall. I was as tall as the world's largest bird. But nobody wanted to know me. I was ostrich-sized.
Animals Stickyagain 🥉 (541) · 05-06-2026 1706Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70? At 69 she gets a frog in her throat.
Animals Allobosca 🥇 🥇 🥇 (1829) · 11-06-2026 1751Mickey Mouse is filing for divorce from Minnie. The judge asks: "So Mr. Mouse, you are filing for divorce from Mrs. Mouse on grounds of insanity." "No, Your Honour," Mickey replies, "for infidelity." The judge checks his notes, "But your papers say insanity." "I didn't say she was insane," Mickey explains, "I said she was fucking Goofy."
Animals Allobosca 🥇 🥇 🥇 (1829) · 10-06-2026 1819Tips from Wales on how to get the most satisfying sex - Wear Wellington boots, you can slip the ewe's back legs into them, stops them running away. Fuck right on the edge of a cliff, makes the ewe push back harder! Always practice safe sex; paint an 'X' on the back of all the sheep who bite or kick!
Animals DdraigGoch (488) · 06-06-2026 1419I've noticed that all Disney mermaids have starfish covering their nipples. Starfish have their mouths in the centre of their body. Walt was kinky as fuck.
Animals Stallion 🥉 (1334) · 07-06-2026 2023They're on a long road trip and can't find anywhere to stay the night. Finally they find a dodgy motel that has some space, but the proprietor tells them the only room left contains one single bed. They agree that two of them will share the bed and the third will sleep outside in the barn. The Jew volunteers to sleep outside, and the Hindu and the Scouser settle down for the night - facing away from one another and trying very hard not to touch. After a while, there's a knock at the door. It's the Jew. "I'm sorry guys, but there's a pig in the barn. Pigs are regarded as unclean animals in my religion and I couldn't possibly share a room with it." So, the Hindu heads out to the barn and the Jew and the Scouser settle down for the night - facing away from one another and trying very hard not to touch. After a while, there's a knock at the door. It's the Hindu. "I'm sorry, but there is a cow in the barn. Cows are regarded as sacred animals in my religion. I couldn't possibly desecrate it with my unholy presence." So, the Scouser heads out to the barn and the Jew and the Hindu settle down for the night - facing away from one another and trying very hard not to touch. After a while, there's a knock at the door. It's the cow and the pig.
Animals Allobosca 🥇 🥇 🥇 (1829) · 07-06-2026 1209There are four blokes in a prison cell together: a zoophile, a sadist, a necrophiliac and an extreme sports enthusiast. The zoophile sighs and says, "You know, if there was a cat here I'd fuck it til I pass out." The sadist nods, and sighs, "And once you were done with it, i'd torture it until it died." The necrophiliac leans in and agrees, "Oh yeah, and once it was dead I'd fuck it til I passed out too." The extreme sports enthusiast, sitting in the corner, very softly says "miaow."
Animals Allobosca 🥇 🥇 🥇 (1829) · 15-06-2026 1512A drug runner was running his operation out of a crematorium. Getting a tip the cops were on to him, he tried to burn his entire stash in the cremation furnace. The smoke poured out the chimney and into the woods where a flock of terns was roosting for the night. Not a tern was left unstoned.
Animals Allobosca 🥇 🥇 🥇 (1829) · 10-06-2026 1756What did one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog? "They're right, we DO taste like chicken!"
A polar bear decides to go to the beach as it is a nice sunny day, after driving for a few hours he almost arrives at his destination then he notices that the oil pressure on his car has started to drop, luckily he noticed he had just driven past a garage so he turns the car round and pulls in, he tells the mechanic the problem, the mechanic tells the polar bear to go off for an hour or so and then come back as he should then know what the problem is. So the polar bear decides to go for a walk down the beach, an hour later the polar bear returns to the garage and find the guy looking at his car, the mechanic says "Looks like you've blown a seal" to which the polar bear says "No I've just eaten an Ice cream".
Animals Allobosca 🥇 🥇 🥇 (1829) · 04-06-2026 2148A Sloth is ambling through the jungle. Suddenly he's set upon by a gang of snails. The snails beat the shit out of the sloth. Eventually the sloth regains conciousness and makes for the nearest police station. Several hours later he arrives and tells the copper he needs to report anassault. The policeman says: "can you describe your assailents?" to which the sloth replies: "well officer, it all happened so fast..."
Animals Allobosca 🥇 🥇 🥇 (1829) · 02-06-2026 2123It is just another working day at the brothel. The punters are coming, the cash is coming, and the girls are faking it. Suddenly the door opens, and a figure steps through the threshold, silhouetted against the backdrop of the red lights. It is a young boy, about nine. In his hand is a length of string, reaching all the way to the floor, where it is fastened around the neck of what looks like a dead frog. The figure picks the frog up, strides up to the counter, and places the amphibian onto it, exclaiming, “I want a bitch with herpes.” Behind the counter, the sexmonger is flabbergasted. “I’m sorry, what did you say?” “I said ‘I want a bitch with herpes’” says the child. “Well I’m afraid we don’t have any ladies that fit that description” replies the Madam. “I want a bitch with herpes, and I am going to have a bitch with herpes” says the boy, putting £1000 on the counter, next to the frog. The Madam thinks about this for a while and decides that the reputation of her house of ill-repute is definitely worth £1000. She sends for one of her many shingle infected sluts. The boy follows the genitally deformed working girl to her room, trailing his frog behind him. After an hour of quite bizarre shenanigans the kid returns to the counter, frog in tow, to thank the Madam. She takes this opportunity to ask the question that had been puzzling her for the entire previous hour, “Why did you want a whore with herpes?” “Well,” explains the boy “My parents are going out tonight. In the evening I’m going to fuck my babysitter. When my dad drives her back home, he’s going to fuck her. Then he’s going home to fuck Mum. In the morning she’s going to fuck the milkman. He’s going to fuck his wife, she’s going to fuck her boss, he’s going to fuck his wife - my English teacher, she’s going to fuck my headmaster and HE’S THE CUNT WHO KILLED MY FROG!”
Animals Allobosca 🥇 🥇 🥇 (1829) · 01-06-2026 2119My kids asked why I put the hamster in the ground while it was still kicking. I told them the only difference between 'dying' and 'dead' is how much dirt you’re willing to shovel on top of the noise.
Animals mrjayhey (122) · 20-06-2026 0351Just in. Reaction to the boy who fell into the crocodile enclosure: "It was awful. This thing came near me with it's horrible teeth, foul odour and skin covered in shit", said the crocodile
Animals LennysCrevasse (201) · 19-06-2026 1026A deer comes out of the woods and says "I'll never do that for five bucks again!"
Animals innit (350) · 12-06-2026 0425A man goes into a brothel and says he's looking for something a bit unusual, but he's only got 50p. So the madam takes him to a room at the back and says, "For 50p, you can have an hour with this chicken which has been trained to give blow jobs." It's not quite what he had in mind, but he decides, hey, everything should be tried once except morris dancing and incest, so he spends the next hour attempting to persuade this chicken to suck his cock, eventually coming to the conclusion that the chicken has received absolutely no blow job training whatsoever. However, a week later he decides it was nevertheless an interesting experience, and so he goes back. This time, the madam leads him into a dingy cinema where a group of men are watching a woman cavorting with a goat. "This is amazing," says the man, "I've never seen anything like this before!" Whereupon the man sitting next to him says, "You should have been here last week and seen the guy with the chicken!"
Animals Allobosca 🥇 🥇 🥇 (1829) · 02-06-2026 2117How do you turn a cat into a dog? Pour petrol on it, light and WOOF!!!!
Animals Allobosca 🥇 🥇 🥇 (1829) · 21-06-2026 0838