I've put my Rottweiler on a vegan diet. So far, he's eaten three of the cunts.
Animals Stallion 🥉 🥇 (835) · 16-03-2026 1734If it grows hair and has milk..its a mammal...like the coconut..
Animals Jimfixeditforme (72) · 26-01-2026 1640I've been paying the Cat's Protection League every month for over three years. I only missed two payments and they came around and broke my cat's legs.
Animals garry6291 (350) · 08-01-2026 1821Did you know that Kerry Katona doesn’t actually own a cat.
Animals garry6291 (350) · 13-03-2026 1549The teacher called little Johnny to her desk and said, "The essay you wrote about your pet dog is word-for-word the same as your brother's. What do you have to say for yourself?" "Of course it is!" said little Johnny. "It's the same fucking dog!"
Animals garry6291 (350) · 20-01-2026 1359I bought a gun because I have a fear of eagles. "You're getting carried away," said my wife. "Not without a fucking fight I'm not," I replied.
Animals Stallion 🥉 🥇 (835) · 12-12-2025 1032I said to my mate, "Did you know that hamsters die after sex?" "I don't think they do," he replied. "Well, the one I fucked did," I said.
Animals Stallion 🥉 🥇 (835) · 25-01-2026 1923Using only a .22 pistol I survived a grizzly bear attack. My friend, who I shot in the knee, wasn't so lucky.
Animals Stallion 🥉 🥇 (835) · 18-01-2026 1618My daughter's kitten died, so I got her another one. Now she's got two dead kittens.
Animals Stallion 🥉 🥇 (835) · 12-01-2026 2037I don't believe that elephants are being poached in Africa. Those niggers don't have pan big enough or any water.
Animals Stallion 🥉 🥇 (835) · 08-01-2026 1947I'm conducting scientific research regarding men having sex with dogs. If anybody wants me I'll be in my lab.
Animals Stallion 🥉 🥇 (835) · 21-12-2025 1621I read a book about an immortal dog. It was impossible to put down.
Animals Allobosca 🥇 🥇 (479) · 18-02-2026 1032I was once bitten on the arse by a German Shepherd, but he apologised afterwards and even introduced me to his dog.
Animals garry6291 (350) · 21-01-2026 1929A baby shark asks his dad, "Why do we swim around people and show them our fin before eating them?" "They taste better if you scare the shit out of them first."
Animals Stallion 🥉 🥇 (835) · 10-03-2026 0944Cows can walk upstairs but not downstairs. As first discovered by the horny farmer when his wife came home early.
Animals ianwatkins 🥈 (695) · 05-01-2026 1446(A groaner) Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer is being interviewed on a popular chat show. Host: So, Rudolph, do you get along well with the other reindeer? Rudolph: Oh, they're great. We have so much fun together. Except for this one bxtch. She makes my life miserable Host: Really? Care to tell the audience her name? Rudolph: Sure. It's Olive. Host: Olive? Never heard of a reindeer names Olive. We all know Prancer and Dancer, Comet and Vixen... Rudolph: No! It's Olive. She's so nasty they wrote a song about her. Host: Can you sing it? Rudolph: Sure. "Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names...
Animals OkiPaul (28) · 18-12-2025 0846We were in Peru and this strange animal mounted my wife from behind and fucked her up the arse. A Llama? No, she really enjoyed it.
Animals ianwatkins 🥈 (695) · 17-12-2025 1609Two guys are walking down the street and see a dog on the lawn, licking his balls. So one guy says to the other, "Man, I sure wish I could do that". The other guy says, "Don't you think you ought to pet him first?"
Animals Allobosca 🥇 🥇 (479) · 23-04-2026 1804A man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt. The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape. (no pun intended.) He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife teases the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him." he says.... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips. Then the husband nabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut. "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."
Animals Allobosca 🥇 🥇 (479) · 22-04-2026 1926What do you do if a kitten spits at you? Turn the grill down a little.
Animals Allobosca 🥇 🥇 (479) · 08-04-2026 2010What's red and has an arm and four legs? A pitbull in kindergarten.
Animals Allobosca 🥇 🥇 (479) · 31-03-2026 1936"Please send me money so that we can end the suffering of all these poor caged bears!" Crooned the MBE woman on the TV ad. Does this heartless harridan give no thought to the tens of millions of Chinese people who desperately need bear bile in their bogus medicaments?
Animals DdraigGoch (252) · 25-03-2026 0636Guy wants a new hunting dog. Sees a sign at a farm "FANTASTIC HUNTING DOG FOR SALE". So he enquires. Farmer says "this Labrador is only 6 months old, but it's really special" "How?" "It can walk on water. Watch." So the farmer takes the hunter to a pond, and throws a stick. The Labrador walks across the water and retrieves the stick, with only it's paws getting wet. The farmer does this three more times. "Wow! That's incredible!! How much?!" "£3000" "Ouch. Expensive, but I'll take it." * * * * The following weekend, the hunter is out shooting ducks with his mate, who is a bit of a blowhard. He decides to impress him with his new dog. He shoots a duck and sends the Labrador across the pond. It walks across the water, without getting wet, and retrieves the duck. The hunter's partner says nothing. This goes on for the rest of the day. The hunter bags six ducks, each time his new Labrador walks on water to retrieve the duck. But his partner makes no comment. So the hunter is a bit annoyed. On the drive home he finally turns to his hunting partner and asks: "Didn't you notice anything unusual about my new Labrador?" His partner replies: "Aye, it cannae fucking swim."
Animals OkiPaul (28) · 18-02-2026 0123The T-shirt was originally called the Tyrannosaurus Shirt. Because of the short arms.
Animals Squeaky 🥉 🥉 (586) · 24-12-2025 1548I'm a chameleon. Somehow wedged myself between a brick and a tree trunk. Brown to the left of me. Ochre to the right. Here I am stuck in a middle-ish hue.
Animals Allobosca 🥇 🥇 (479) · 12-02-2026 0756How do you stop a dog from humping your leg? Suck it off
Animals Allobosca 🥇 🥇 (479) · 29-04-2026 2204I'm sure my cat's a communist. Keeps going round the house saying "Mao"
Animals madgringo (38) · 12-12-2025 0659