I saw a post on my local community group on Facebook: 'MISSING: Our 3-year-old tabby cat, Oscar. He is recently neutered, wears a collar bell to alert birds, and we feed him a vegan diet.' I replied, 'And you're surprised he fucked off?'
Animals theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 (3362) · 27-07-2026 0932My dog bit a black guy the other day so the police told me to have him chipped. You should see the difference, he now operates at 16 Nigger bytes a second.
Animals notbaldbob (1145) · 25-07-2026 103198 days ago I found a centipede in my garden, and I've been slowly torturing it ever since. It's on its last legs now.
Animals theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 (3362) · 07-08-2026 0807Confusion over events involving a boy and a crocodile in Huntingdon. Things weren't helped by a dog stealing his sausages while onlookers shouted "that's the way to do it."
Animals scotty (547) · 19-06-2026 2115Got sacked from the zoo yesterday for leaving the lion's cage open. Who the fuck is gonna steal a lion?
Animals garry6291 (641) · 14-05-2026 1121I've bought my little lad a hamster for his birthday. It's not a long-term thing though. It's the cat's birthday next week.
Animals theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 (3362) · 10-08-2026 0551What's red, white, fluffy and sits in a tree? Sanitary Owl
Animals Allobosca 🥈 (2268) · 16-05-2026 1835I ran out of toilet paper earlier, so I had to say 'Goodbye Socks!' It was a daft name for a hamster anyway.
Animals theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 (3362) · 19-07-2026 1655I wish they would bring back plastic straws. I find it quite tiresome having to strangle turtles with my bare hands.
Animals Stallion (1608) · 29-05-2026 0655I threw a ball for my dog tonight. He looked fucking brilliant on the dance floor in a tuxedo.
Animals Stallion (1608) · 10-05-2026 1417Chicken is so expensive, I've started catching seagulls. You have to cook them quick though, or they eat all your chips.
Animals Stickyagain (2066) · 31-05-2026 1744If you leave a dog in a car in this weather, with no water or ventilation, it could be dead in fifteen minutes Leave the heater on as well, wait another thirty minutes and the meat just falls off the bone.
Animals root (238) · 24-05-2026 0918Q: Why do Welsh race horses run so fast? A: They've seen what happens to the sheep!
Animals innit 🥉 🥉 (939) · 20-05-2026 0508I've put my Rottweiler on a vegan diet. So far, he's eaten three of the cunts.
Animals Stallion (1608) · 16-03-2026 1734How do Welsh people find their sheep in very tall grass? Absolutely irresistible
Animals supergalley 🥇 (2032) · 05-08-2026 0705Fucking Korean chefs. They make a dog's dinner of everything
Animals LennysCrevasse (1333) · 23-07-2026 1118I met my girlfriend when I brought a baby pigeon with a broken wing to their animal rescue group. Catching the pigeon was the hard part.
Animals ianwatkins 🥈 🥉 (2117) · 14-06-2026 0514Did you know that Kerry Katona doesn’t actually own a cat.
Animals garry6291 (641) · 13-03-2026 1549If it grows hair and has milk..its a mammal...like the coconut..
Animals Jimfixeditforme (541) · 26-01-2026 1640A bear walks into a bar and says "A pint of lager..................and a packet of crisps please". The barman says "Why the big pause?". The bear says "I had a.................stroke a few years ago."
My wife said she wanted to try a Rampant Rabbit in the bedroom. So I got Flopsy out of his hutch and gave him a few lines of speed.
Animals theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 (3362) · 20-08-2026 2243There are no bad dogs, just bad cooks. ~Old Korean proverb.
Animals notbaldbob (1145) · 26-07-2026 0741I took to animal cruelty like a duck to lighter fluid.
Animals theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 (3362) · 13-07-2026 2132Curiosity killed the cat. My curiosity regarding whether or not cats are amphibious.
Animals theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 (3362) · 01-07-2026 0539When I was about 14, a Catholic priest took me aside one time. He said, 'Listen to me, my son; every time you pleasure yourself sexually, a kitten dies.' And for years I believed that, but not any more. Now that I've perfected my technique, they often survive.
Animals theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 (3362) · 15-06-2026 1627I have a habit of ruining the end of films for my family About 10 minutes before it's due to finish I start wanking off the dog
Animals root (238) · 13-06-2026 2331I asked the waiter how they prepare the chicken. They said they tell the chicken up front they're going to die.
Animals innit 🥉 🥉 (939) · 02-06-2026 0219A dog just chased me up the road on my bike. Fuck knows how it reached the pedals.
Animals Stickyagain (2066) · 29-05-2026 1954I bought a gun because I have a fear of eagles. "You're getting carried away," said my wife. "Not without a fucking fight I'm not," I replied.
Animals Stallion (1608) · 12-12-2025 1032I've been watching bestiality porn involving women with dogs. Found it on the Bark Web.
Animals scotty (547) · 14-08-2026 1540'It's not the size of the dog in the fight that matters, but the size of the fight in the dog.' Try telling that to my neighbour. She hasn't spoken to me since my Rottweiler jumped over the garden fence and bit her Yorkshire Terrier in half at the waist.
Animals theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 (3362) · 02-08-2026 1045What's pink and drags the ocean floor? Moby's Dick
The mating call of a Robin: Tweet tweet chirrup. The mating call of an Owl: A twit to woo A twit to woo The mating call of a Blackbird: Ohh, stick it up my ass Leroy!
Animals Allobosca 🥈 (2268) · 07-07-2026 1343My daughter asked why the cat was licking itself. I told her it’s because it’s the only way to get the taste of my cock out of its mouth.
Animals mrjayhey (143) · 19-06-2026 1752Why did the pervert cross the road? He had his cock in the chicken
Animals Stickyagain (2066) · 12-06-2026 0724When she screamed at me, "You've lost the best thing that ever happened to you.", I started panicking. For a moment I thought someone had stolen my dog.
Animals Stallion (1608) · 18-05-2026 1848I've been paying the Cat's Protection League every month for over three years. I only missed two payments and they came around and broke my cat's legs.
Animals garry6291 (641) · 08-01-2026 1821I'm conducting scientific research regarding men having sex with dogs. If anybody wants me I'll be in my lab.
Animals Stallion (1608) · 21-12-2025 1621The best way to get rid of slugs in your garden is to put down a saucerful of beer. The slugs drink the beer and end up shitfaced. Shortly afterwards, in the chip shop: *hic* 'Fish supper please, mate.' 'You want salt on that?' 'Fuck yeah.'
Animals › Animal Cruelty Punchline Animal Cruelty Punchline theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 (3362) · 12-09-2026 1444An elephant said to the camel "Why are your tits on your back"? The camel replied "You can talk you cheeky cunt with your cock hanging off your face"
Animals Joeydeaconsbastard (1173) · 30-08-2026 1908Which side of a cat has the most fur? The outside.
My pet lizard doesn't get a hard on I think the poor cunt has reptile dysfunction.
Animals Joeydeaconsbastard (1173) · 16-07-2026 1926I taught my dog to play dead, that way I can satisfy my beastality and necrophilia kinks with just one treat.
Animals mrjayhey (143) · 03-07-2026 1236Why do they call the Camel ship of the desert? Because they are full of Arab Seamen
Animals Allobosca 🥈 (2268) · 21-06-2026 0832I have a terrible track record for keeping pets. That's the fourth hamster I've lost so far this year. If it doesn't turn up soon I'm going to A and E.
Animals supergalley 🥇 (2032) · 16-06-2026 0947A young Greek boy is walking in the hills above his hometown when he happens across an elderly man who is sat on a rock quietly weeping. The boy walks up to the man and asks him what is wrong, he replies: "Look down there to the harbour young man, what do you see? Lots of boats, fishing boats, I made half of those boats with my bare hands. Do they call me Nikos the boat-builder? No they do not! Look to the edge of town, just there, a dozen houses. I built all of those houses from the ground up with just my hands and the sweat of my brow, do they call me Nikos the house-builder? No they do not! One time, one goat . . ."
Animals DdraigGoch (726) · 06-06-2026 1137When I was young I was very tall. I was as tall as the world's largest bird. But nobody wanted to know me. I was ostrich-sized.
Animals Stickyagain (2066) · 05-06-2026 1706