I like my steaks rare. Tonight I'm having panda.

0 comments

I've been paying the Cat's Protection League every month for over three years. I only missed two payments and they came around and broke my cat's legs.

0 comments

I bought a gun because I have a fear of eagles. "You're getting carried away," said my wife. "Not without a fucking fight I'm not," I replied.

0 comments

My daughter's kitten died, so I got her another one. Now she's got two dead kittens.

0 comments

I don't believe that elephants are being poached in Africa. Those niggers don't have pan big enough or any water.

0 comments

I'm conducting scientific research regarding men having sex with dogs. If anybody wants me I'll be in my lab.

0 comments

Using only a .22 pistol I survived a grizzly bear attack. My friend, who I shot in the knee, wasn't so lucky.

0 comments

Cows can walk upstairs but not downstairs. As first discovered by the horny farmer when his wife came home early.

0 comments

(A groaner) Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer is being interviewed on a popular chat show. Host: So, Rudolph, do you get along well with the other reindeer? Rudolph: Oh, they're great. We have so much fun together. Except for this one bxtch. She makes my life miserable Host: Really? Care to tell the audience her name? Rudolph: Sure. It's Olive. Host: Olive? Never heard of a reindeer names Olive. We all know Prancer and Dancer, Comet and Vixen... Rudolph: No! It's Olive. She's so nasty they wrote a song about her. Host: Can you sing it? Rudolph: Sure. "Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names...

0 comments

We were in Peru and this strange animal mounted my wife from behind and fucked her up the arse. A Llama? No, she really enjoyed it.

0 comments

The T-shirt was originally called the Tyrannosaurus Shirt. Because of the short arms.

0 comments

I'm sure my cat's a communist. Keeps going round the house saying "Mao"

0 comments