I like my steaks rare. Tonight I'm having panda.

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If it grows hair and has milk..its a mammal...like the coconut..

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I've been paying the Cat's Protection League every month for over three years. I only missed two payments and they came around and broke my cat's legs.

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The teacher called little Johnny to her desk and said, "The essay you wrote about your pet dog is word-for-word the same as your brother's. What do you have to say for yourself?" "Of course it is!" said little Johnny. "It's the same fucking dog!"

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I bought a gun because I have a fear of eagles. "You're getting carried away," said my wife. "Not without a fucking fight I'm not," I replied.

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I said to my mate, "Did you know that hamsters die after sex?" "I don't think they do," he replied. "Well, the one I fucked did," I said.

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Using only a .22 pistol I survived a grizzly bear attack. My friend, who I shot in the knee, wasn't so lucky.

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My daughter's kitten died, so I got her another one. Now she's got two dead kittens.

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I don't believe that elephants are being poached in Africa. Those niggers don't have pan big enough or any water.

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I'm conducting scientific research regarding men having sex with dogs. If anybody wants me I'll be in my lab.

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I read a book about an immortal dog. It was impossible to put down.

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I was once bitten on the arse by a German Shepherd, but he apologised afterwards and even introduced me to his dog.

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Cows can walk upstairs but not downstairs. As first discovered by the horny farmer when his wife came home early.

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(A groaner) Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer is being interviewed on a popular chat show. Host: So, Rudolph, do you get along well with the other reindeer? Rudolph: Oh, they're great. We have so much fun together. Except for this one bxtch. She makes my life miserable Host: Really? Care to tell the audience her name? Rudolph: Sure. It's Olive. Host: Olive? Never heard of a reindeer names Olive. We all know Prancer and Dancer, Comet and Vixen... Rudolph: No! It's Olive. She's so nasty they wrote a song about her. Host: Can you sing it? Rudolph: Sure. "Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names...

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We were in Peru and this strange animal mounted my wife from behind and fucked her up the arse. A Llama? No, she really enjoyed it.

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Guy wants a new hunting dog. Sees a sign at a farm "FANTASTIC HUNTING DOG FOR SALE". So he enquires. Farmer says "this Labrador is only 6 months old, but it's really special" "How?" "It can walk on water. Watch." So the farmer takes the hunter to a pond, and throws a stick. The Labrador walks across the water and retrieves the stick, with only it's paws getting wet. The farmer does this three more times. "Wow! That's incredible!! How much?!" "£3000" "Ouch. Expensive, but I'll take it." * * * * The following weekend, the hunter is out shooting ducks with his mate, who is a bit of a blowhard. He decides to impress him with his new dog. He shoots a duck and sends the Labrador across the pond. It walks across the water, without getting wet, and retrieves the duck. The hunter's partner says nothing. This goes on for the rest of the day. The hunter bags six ducks, each time his new Labrador walks on water to retrieve the duck. But his partner makes no comment. So the hunter is a bit annoyed. On the drive home he finally turns to his hunting partner and asks: "Didn't you notice anything unusual about my new Labrador?" His partner replies: "Aye, it cannae fucking swim."

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The T-shirt was originally called the Tyrannosaurus Shirt. Because of the short arms.

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I'm a chameleon. Somehow wedged myself between a brick and a tree trunk. Brown to the left of me. Ochre to the right. Here I am stuck in a middle-ish hue.

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I'm sure my cat's a communist. Keeps going round the house saying "Mao"

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