I had a phone call from my son's headmaster. "I'm afraid to tell you that a group of Asian lads ganged up on Michael and stuck his head down the toilet." "Little bastards. Is he OK now?" "Unfortunately not. They cut it off first."
Muslim supergalley 🥇 (2032) · 20-06-2026 1553I've often wondered what it'd be like to be a fly on the wall in Finsbury Park Mosque. Crowded, I'd imagine.
Muslim theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 (3362) · 10-06-2026 1812A vehicle has ploughed into crowds at Berlin Pride. The suspect reportedly had a beard, was shouting “Allahu Akbar”, wearing a suicide vest and fled the scene on a goat. Police are urging people not to speculate about the motive.
Muslim WayOutWest (428) · 25-07-2026 2134An Imam told me that throwing bacon at a Muslim is as offensive as throwing dog shit at them. Anyway, long story short, I'm now saving a fortune on bacon.
Muslim theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 (3362) · 10-08-2026 2014A British army sniper was asked how many people he had killed. "None," he replied, "only Muslims."
Muslim Stallion (1608) · 29-07-2026 0001Two cops walk up to a group of five Pakis. "We're looking for a paedophile gang..." One of the Pakis replies "We'll do it!"
Muslim innit 🥉 🥉 (939) · 05-09-2026 0954Guns N Roses update a classic to be released next week for Muslims. Sweet child of nine
Muslim Gingerpubes (269) · 29-06-2026 1424Prince Harry to take Archie and Lilibet to his mother Diana's grave for the first time. With a gentle reminder that this is what happens if either of you fuck an Arab.
Muslim ponga (400) · 27-06-2026 0958A Muslim lady was denied entrance into McDonalds today until she removes her hijab. Should have gone to Burka king.
Muslim notbaldbob (1145) · 23-07-2026 0531A British army sniper was asked what he felt when shooting terrorists. He replied, "Recoil."
Muslim Stallion (1608) · 30-07-2026 1601Air passenger 'invokes Sharia law' to avoid sitting next to a woman. Thank fuck the pilot wasn't gay.
Muslim ponga (400) · 18-07-2026 0721I left the house this morning to be greeted by a huge, wet dogshit in the middle of my beautiful lawn. I was going to scoop it up and post it through the door of the local mosque, but the smell was too much for me. I couldn't get near the place.
Muslim notbaldbob (1145) · 16-07-2026 1428I was in a corner shop once, and I noticed a little boy picking up sweets and slipping them into his pocket. The shopkeeper spotted him too and yelled, 'Oi, you! Hands off!' They don't fuck about over in Saudi Arabia.
Muslim theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 (3362) · 03-07-2026 1814I once knew a Muslim with a massive penis. He was hung like a gay Iranian.
Muslim Hengist (858) · 02-07-2026 2231Say what you want about Muslim women, they make excellent Bee keepers
Muslim root (238) · 28-05-2026 2046A white man stumbles into the police station with a black eye. "Officer, I'd like to report an Islamophobic assault." "Of course, sir. What happened?" "I was in the park and these men came up to me and started beating me because I'm a Muslim convert." "How did they know you were a Muslim convert, sir?" "I assume one of their kids must have told them I'm circumcised."
Muslim Hengist (858) · 18-05-2026 2323I failed my Religious Studies exam. Apparently the three holiest festivals in the Islamic calendar are not 'Eid, Ramadan and 9/11'.
Muslim Hengist (858) · 11-09-2026 0639What you call a Muslim with 2 pigs on his head? Mohammed. What you call a Muslim with 2 pigs on his head that throws away perfectly good fish? Mohammed Bin Salman
Muslim Gingerpubes (269) · 06-08-2026 1312“Kids, listen very carefully to me, never ever talk to or get into a strangers car. Do you all understand me?” “Yea daddy. But why?” “I’ll have to explain later darling, Abdul from Uber is waiting for us outside now.”
Muslim Cockwomble (156) · 27-07-2026 2002Today 64 muslims died in Bradford, it was not a terrorist attack. A bunk bed collapsed. Police are blaming Al Ikea.
Muslim notbaldbob (1145) · 27-07-2026 1831If a Muslim is knocking fuck out of the missus Is it classed as domestic violence or child abuse?
Muslim Joeydeaconsbastard (1173) · 01-07-2026 1913The BBC recently covered a harrowing story about how many Afghans have been forced by extreme poverty to sell their own daughters. "The price of food is just so high," said Bilal, a 38 year old Afghan father. "I had to sell my daughter into sexual slavery just to buy enough bread for the rest of my family to eat. Now even that has run out." "What will your family do now?" asked the reporter. "There is no choice," Bilal sighed "We will have to switch to Tesco's own brand."
I should have checked Trustpilot before ordering from Jihadi Florists. When the flowers arrived, they all had their heads cut off.
I can't believe what just happened. Some flash solicitor just turned up on my doorstep and handed me a court summons for libel over some stupid joke I posted about my neighbour Mohammad shagging a goat. "I don't understand..." I spluttered as he passed me a mound of legal documents. "You published false and disgusting allegations regarding my client's sexual proclivities that have seriously damaged his reputation and good standing in the community and thus he is seeking damages against you," the solicitor said. "I understand that," I said, still white with shock. "But how the fuck did a goat hire a lawyer?"
Muslim Hengist (858) · 07-06-2026 0843A Muslim family has moved in next door. To welcome them to the neighbourhood, I'm bacon a cake for them.
Muslim theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 (3362) · 07-08-2026 0802Josh Kerry murdered Ann Widdecombe because of her stance on illegal immigrants. Well the lucky little fella is going to meet plenty of them over the next 50 years in a maximum security prison.
Muslim ianwatkins 🥈 🥉 (2117) · 18-07-2026 2103What's the difference between Muslims and Smarties? Smarties don't blow up in the tube!
Muslim Allobosca 🥈 (2268) · 12-07-2026 1119Englishman, African and an Asian sitting in a restaurant, waiting for their food. They're looking around the place and spot a man sitting by himself drinking water in the corner. After a few minutes they recognise him as Jesus Christ himself. They agree that he's a great bloke and all chip in to buy Jesus some food. The waiter goes over to Jesus, explains the gesture and gets the food in for him, which Jesus enjoys whole-heartedly. After the meal, he walks over to see the 3 generous men. He first of all thanks them all, and shakes the hand of the Englishman. The Englishman gets the shivers, feels all tingly etc then says; "Hang about, I've had chronic arthritis in this wrist for 20 years, you've just cured it, it's a miracle!" Jesus smiles, then shakes the hand of the African. "Bloomin 'eck, you've cured my back! I've had problems with that for nearly 30 years, thank you Jesus!" Jesus smiles, then turns to the Asian, who looks terrified, turns and runs away knocking over tables and chairs. They all ask what's wrong, to which the Asian shouts, "I'm not losing my Disability Allowance for no cunt!"
Muslim Allobosca 🥈 (2268) · 09-07-2026 0650I asked my friend Abdul if he could get me a job interview for a teaching position at the primary school where he works. "I can do that," he said. "It's a great job too. Good pay and you get the school holidays off." "That sounds great," I said. "Any downsides?" "There is only one drawback," Abdul said. "You'll have to pretend that you're not sexually attracted to children." "I'm not sexually attracted to children!" I exclaimed. "That's it, my friend," winked Abdul. "Just like that."
Muslim Hengist (858) · 05-06-2026 1533I was driving home the other day when I came up to one of those half barrier level crossings. The red lights were flashing and the barriers were on their way down so I stopped. Suddenly a car full of muslim's pulled out and tried to beat the barriers. They got half way across when a train hit them, the car was destroyed and all the occupants were killed instantly. I sat there open mouthed and thought "Bloody hell, that could have easily been me!" So later that day I sent off my train drivers application form to Network Rail.
Muslim Harold-Bisop (76) · 26-12-2025 0603Organisers have used 2,977 drones to recreate the twin towers in New York. Terrorists are going to recreate their version with just 2 drones!
Muslim jjbomber (157) · 10-09-2026 1702Society is so wasteful. So many single use items. Plastic cutlery, straws, suicide bombers.
Muslim Gingerpubes (269) · 01-06-2026 2059A Muslim friend of mine introduced me to Halal meat before… Now all I have to do is kill it.
Muslim Cockwomble (156) · 20-09-2026 0954My wife asked me how many months it is from May to September. I went "1, 2, 3, 4, 5... It's 4" She said "Why did you count to 5?" I said "I was counting which month May was, everyone knows September is 9."
Muslim › Extremism Punchline Extremism Punchline ianwatkins 🥈 🥉 (2117) · 02-09-2026 2306A redneck from Mississippi walks in to the local diner with an alligator on a leash. He says to the waiter "Do you serve Muslims here"? The waiter replies "Of course we do....we serve every type of man regardless of race, color or religion". The Redneck says "Good, I'll have a Cheesburger...and give me a Towelhead for my alligator"!
Muslim Allobosca 🥈 (2268) · 28-06-2026 0843A Muslim immigrant is arguing with his daughter. "My darling girl, you cannot go out like that! Short skirt, tight top, hair uncovered! If you go out like that you will get raped!" "Oh, Babi," the Muslim girl says. "This is Britain. Everyone dresses like this here." "My poor naive sweetheart," the Muslim man says. "It doesn't matter where you are in the world. Men are men and if you walk around like that you will get raped!" "No, Babi," the girl says, walking out the front door. "The men here aren't like that and anyway I am only going to the park with my friends." "Don't be foolish, my dear child" Her father calls after her as she leaves. "You are going to get raped!" The girl goes to the park and meets her friends. She remembers what her father has told her and makes sure to keep one eye out for strange men but she still has fun. A few hours later, she returns home, safe and unharmed. "Babi, I'm home!" She calls, as she walks into the living room. Suddenly, a strong pair of hands seizes her from behind and forces her down onto the sofa. She screams as she feels her underwear being brutally torn off and her skirt being pulled up. "I warned you, you fucking whore!"
Muslim Hengist (858) · 28-06-2026 0121My co-worker Mohammed was looking depressed so I asked him what was wrong. "My wife's going through "the change" and to be honest I'm just not finding her attractive any more." "The menopause I asked?" "No, puberty."
Muslim Harold-Bisop (76) · 26-12-2025 0613Why don't Muslims drink alcohol? Because they're already shitfaced.
Muslim ianwatkins 🥈 🥉 (2117) · 14-12-2025 2305There's always something positive you can say about absolutely anybody. For example: Muslims don't eat pork because they consider it cannibalism.
Muslim innit 🥉 🥉 (939) · 21-06-2026 1350Man walks into a sex shop, he says to the guy behind the counter wheezing due to his asthma " I need some help, I'm looking for a sex doll, wheeze, but I don't know if I want a white one or a black one, wheeze", "well Sir" says the guy behind the counter " I can see that your struggling with your asthma so why don't you take our new Muslim model, They blow themselves up"!
Muslim Allobosca 🥈 (2268) · 24-05-2026 2133I grew up in London but now I live in Pakistan. I haven't moved. Not to supergalley (and Andrew Lawrence)
Muslim ianwatkins 🥈 🥉 (2117) · 27-04-2026 1751China to re-educate Muslim men. "First we'll teach them how to use soap and water, then we'll set about this shit they believe in, " a government spokesman commented.
Muslim Kimjongreject (287) · 14-12-2025 1541Flew to one of the world's biggest travel destinations and was furious with the extremely hostile reception we got from the hotel staff and such; glares of death, "you don't belong here," etc. That's the last fucking time the Wilson family goes to Mecca
Muslim Htaxu (46) · 16-04-2026 0024