My sister held one of those 'gender reveal' parties when she was pregnant. She popped the balloons, and the glitter was pink. In hindsight she should've gone with blue, as her daughter was stillborn.
Dark theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥈 (1063) · 10-06-2026 1811My emo son sighed and asked, "Why am I even here?" "Because my credit card was declined at the abortion clinic," I replied.
Dark Stallion 🥉 (1334) · 15-05-2026 1032I tried to pronounce the name of my new medication and I think I accidentally summoned Satan.
Dark innit (350) · 19-05-2026 0434I used to date a Jewish girl, but it didn't end too well. One time I invited her round to my place for a curry. She turned up and said, 'How's dinner coming along?' I replied, 'Well, I've just put your naan in the oven.'
Dark theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥈 (1063) · 07-06-2026 1957I went into an Ethiopian gift shop, "Have you got an I am four birthday card please?" I asked. "Sorry, " said the shopkeeper, "we've never needed them. "
Dark Kimjongreject (298) · 06-02-2026 1536I went to a meeting of the "I Feel I'm Being Stalked" support group. I knew everybody there... but they didn't know me.
Dark Stallion 🥉 (1334) · 17-12-2025 1304I don't know exactly what happened to that poor lad who was found dead in Michael Barrymore's swimming pool, but having read the autopsy results I think someone probably had a hand in it.
Dark theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥈 (1063) · 12-06-2026 0554My son asked me if he was adopted. "Of course not," I replied, "I wouldn't have chosen a useless little cunt like you."
Dark Stallion 🥉 (1334) · 11-03-2026 1620I saw this video of a bouncing baby boy earlier, and it's had me chuckling away to myself all day. That LiveLeak site has some fucked-up dashcam footage.
Dark theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥈 (1063) · 11-06-2026 0416My wife says she's leaving me because she can no longer cope with my irrational jealousy and possessiveness. I bet it's really so she can shack up with those two gays who live at number 43.
Dark theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥈 (1063) · 12-05-2026 2126what do you call a dead man utd fan? A good start What do you call two dead man utd fans? Holly and Jessica
Dark Allobosca 🥇 🥇 🥇 (1829) · 09-05-2026 1527I much prefer it when women make eye contact during sex. Which can be quite frustrating, having to unpick all those stitches the undertaker made.
Dark theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥈 (1063) · 18-04-2026 1023I fancied a wank but I couldn't be bothered using a VPN to access a porn site. So instead I went on a gore site and jerked off to people dying in car crashes.
Dark ianwatkins 🥉 🥈 (1368) · 11-01-2026 1455I was in the park and saw a lonely little boy sitting on a swing, so I went over and gave him a push. He still wouldn't get off, so I punched him.
Dark Stallion 🥉 (1334) · 13-12-2025 1737I took the dog for a walk in the park earlier. It was lunchtime and I could hear all the kids at the primary school playing in the playground. Hearing the screams of all those children echoing through the trees... I started having flashbacks to when I was in Vietnam. It was last year, I took the missus. They've got great parks there and the children are really happy. We had a great time and it was a bargain. 8/10 would go again.
Dark ianwatkins 🥉 🥈 (1368) · 11-12-2025 1844"I think I'll try the smothered chicken" "Certainly sir, and anything to finish?" "Oh I think a pillowcase should do it"
Dark LennysCrevasse (201) · 17-06-2026 1818Two doctors are reviewing the status of a patient when one texts the other, "I really wanna do her up the shitter" The other one replies, "Oh yeah? Well I really wanna spaff in her gob" "Ok" , texts back the first one, "She's definitely brain dead. Turn off her life-support and let's get on with it"
Dark LennysCrevasse (201) · 16-06-2026 1630I think the biggest regret I have was missing the Grenfell barbecue
Dark Welsh_151 (14) · 22-04-2026 1252Q. What goes . . . black white red black white red black white red black white red? A. A nun rolling down a hill with a hatchet in her back. --- Q. What goes . . . black red black red black red black red black red black red black red black red black red black red white? A. A nigger wanking.
Dark DdraigGoch (488) · 07-01-2026 2031Why did the Japanese boy drop his ice cream? Because he got hit by a building.
Dark ianwatkins 🥉 🥈 (1368) · 24-12-2025 0627I had a good win on the horses. I bet on 4 horses dying this week at Cheltenham.
Dark Gungho_ED (216) · 14-03-2026 1721Woman in her 80s murdered in Devizes. ...did she have melons of two different sizes?
Dark ianwatkins 🥉 🥈 (1368) · 25-12-2025 2238Travelling at speed in my car I hit a Paki and he went flying through the windscreen head first. A local police officer witnessed it and said to me "don't worry sir I'll arrest him for breaking and entering."
Dark Deadbeat (5) · 24-12-2025 0138I was in a train carriage when a Muslim opened his jacket and showed his suicide vest, "Allau Akbar," he shouted. "Hang on a moment son, " I said to him,"you really don't want to do this. Do you see this hairy fat spotty greasy smelly girl stood next to me?" "Yes, " he said, "so what?" "This is my daughter," I replied, "and she's a virgin. "
Dark Kimjongreject (298) · 14-12-2025 1539"It costs 10p to send this message. That's enough money for an African child to buy food and water to live on for a WHOLE DAY. Send this message to 7 people and starve the cunt for a week."
Dark Allobosca 🥇 🥇 🥇 (1829) · 13-05-2026 2111When the time comes... Would prince-less Andrew be entitled to a state funeral or be given a paupers one. Just asking
Dark keith105 (7) · 01-03-2026 1048