I went to a meeting of the "I Feel I'm Being Stalked" support group. I knew everybody there... but they didn't know me.

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I fancied a wank but I couldn't be bothered using a VPN to access a porn site. So instead I went on a gore site and jerked off to people dying in car crashes.

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I was in the park and saw a lonely little boy sitting on a swing, so I went over and gave him a push. He still wouldn't get off, so I punched him.

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I took the dog for a walk in the park earlier. It was lunchtime and I could hear all the kids at the primary school playing in the playground. Hearing the screams of all those children echoing through the trees... I started having flashbacks to when I was in Vietnam. It was last year, I took the missus. They've got great parks there and the children are really happy. We had a great time and it was a bargain. 8/10 would go again.

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Q. What goes . . . black white red black white red black white red black white red? A. A nun rolling down a hill with a hatchet in her back. --- Q. What goes . . . black red black red black red black red black red black red black red black red black red black red white? A. A nigger wanking.

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Why did the Japanese boy drop his ice cream? Because he got hit by a building.

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Woman in her 80s murdered in Devizes. ...did she have melons of two different sizes?

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Travelling at speed in my car I hit a Paki and he went flying through the windscreen head first. A local police officer witnessed it and said to me "don't worry sir I'll arrest him for breaking and entering."

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I was in a train carriage when a Muslim opened his jacket and showed his suicide vest, "Allau Akbar," he shouted. "Hang on a moment son, " I said to him,"you really don't want to do this. Do you see this hairy fat spotty greasy smelly girl stood next to me?" "Yes, " he said, "so what?" "This is my daughter," I replied, "and she's a virgin. "

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