Suicide must be ruled out There's no way Jason Arday did that himself

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My date said she liked men who make an effort. She should see the well I dug in the cellar.

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HR asked whether I struggle to read social cues. I said no, then moved my chair closer because she seemed nervous.

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"Do you love me?," she asked, "because I really love you." "No, I think of you more as a clingy nuisance," I replied to my 4 year old daughter.

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Over dinner my date asked me, 'So, do you have any guilty pleasures?' I replied, 'Of course I do. Everyone does. But it's our first date, I'd be far too embarrassed to tell you about that sort of thing.' 'Don't be shy! Tell you what, how about you tell me yours and then I'll tell you mine?' 'Okay, then. Here goes... Sometimes when I'm masturbating, I like to spread peanut butter on my cock and get the dog to lick it off. Deal's a deal, now you tell me yours!' 'Erm... The Carpenters and Billy Joel.'

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25 years on, and I can still remember where I was and what I was doing when the Twin Towers collapsed. Sitting in front of the telly, making jokes about the Twin Towers collapsing.

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My sister held one of those 'gender reveal' parties when she was pregnant. She popped the balloons, and the glitter was pink. In hindsight she should've gone with blue, as her daughter was stillborn.

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My emo son sighed and asked, "Why am I even here?" "Because my credit card was declined at the abortion clinic," I replied.

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My grandad was tortured by the Japanese during the war. They cut his tongue out. But he never talked about it.

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Those birthing pools are quite popular in China nowadays. They make the whole childbirth experience much more relaxed and natural, plus they're really handy if the baby turns out to be a girl.

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Did you know that a child phones Child Abuse every 10 minutes. That cunt needs a fucking slap.

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They say Auschwitz is the sort of place everyone should go to, but only once A bit like the inmates then

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I had a very difficult childhood. My mum died when she was 12 and my dad was a peadophile.

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I tried to pronounce the name of my new medication and I think I accidentally summoned Satan.

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Whenever I used to see footage of Ethiopians dying of famine with flies all over their faces I always thought the same thing. Why don't they just eat the flies?

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I used to date a Jewish girl, but it didn't end too well. One time I invited her round to my place for a curry. She turned up and said, 'How's dinner coming along?' I replied, 'Well, I've just put your naan in the oven.'

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I once won the heart of a beautiful young lady. eBay Liberia has some fucked-up stuff on it.

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I put in a complaint about my neighbours last night. I was trying to get to sleep and they were shouting, screaming, banging on the windows, then to top it all their smoke alarm started going off. Anyway I think it did the trick, I haven't heard a peep from them today.

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I hate solicitors and don't understand the law, it's so complicated. My next door neighbours have a large tree. Their 10 year old kid climbed the tree, fell out and got impaled on my fence post. Now, apparently, I have to get solicitors involved. . . . . . . If I want to keep my half of the body!

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My wife wanted to die surrounded by family. So I loosened the brakes before the school run.

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I went into an Ethiopian gift shop, "Have you got an I am four birthday card please?" I asked. "Sorry, " said the shopkeeper, "we've never needed them. "

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I went to a meeting of the "I Feel I'm Being Stalked" support group. I knew everybody there... but they didn't know me.

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I really miss the wife giving me a tit-wank Especially right where the tumour was

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Just reading about the latest food scandal. They've found traces of uncle Ben's DNA in aunt Bessie.

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I don't know exactly what happened to that poor lad who was found dead in Michael Barrymore's swimming pool, but having read the autopsy results I think someone probably had a hand in it.

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My son asked me if he was adopted. "Of course not," I replied, "I wouldn't have chosen a useless little cunt like you."

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What do you call a middle-aged bloke who's both a necrophile and a nonce? Like father. Like son

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People joke about David Fuller all the time on here, but he was once a colleague of mine and was a very amiable bloke too He was always asking me to join him for a couple of cold ones after work

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I once got into trouble on here for telling a sick joke about Aberfan It was a proper old school pile-on

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Child "abuse" is so subjective in my opinion For example, my Dad always gave me a wooden spoon to bite down on

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I lost my virginity to a girl with Downs Syndrome Fuck you! I wanted my first time to be special

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I saw this video of a bouncing baby boy earlier, and it's had me chuckling away to myself all day. That LiveLeak site has some fucked-up dashcam footage.

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My wife says she's leaving me because she can no longer cope with my irrational jealousy and possessiveness. I bet it's really so she can shack up with those two gays who live at number 43.

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BBC News: Two teenagers, 13 and 14, among 33 UK nationals missing in Nepal floods. Oh so fuck the other 31 because they were adults? Teenagers are all suicidal anyway.

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They say having sex is a bit like riding a bike. I had a lot more experience of it as a child than I do as an adult.

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What does a vagina and a cactus have in common? If you open them carefully you find water.

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Just seen JD Vance's kid's birth certificate Method of Delivery: "Suddenly burst through chest"

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These lefty MPs banging on about politicians being intoxicated all the time might actually be true Look at Ann Widdecombe for Christ's sake. She got absolutely battered

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I met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet, and we ended up having sex right there and then. I fucking love my new Taser.

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A rape victim walks into a bar The barman says, "Why the strong mace?"

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What's worse than Michael Jackson babysitting your children? Asking the McCanns to take them on holiday!

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Funnily enough both my parents died today and I'm executor of their will Can't find the fucking thing anywhere. Jason Arday must've nicked it

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I went to my GP as I thought I was severely depressed. He referred me to a psychiatrist, and at length the two of us talked through everything that was going on in my mind. His diagnosis was that I don't have depression at all; just an uncommonly perceptive and realistic view of human nature, the world as it is today, and where we are headed. Later I phoned him up to thank him for his help, but I couldn't get hold of him. He's been signed off sick for the next few months. Severe depression, apparently.

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My wife's unborn baby has shifted position in the womb, and will be born feet-first. This new position is ideal for my purposes, though. Once more into the breech!

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what do you call a dead man utd fan? A good start What do you call two dead man utd fans? Holly and Jessica

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What do you call the Asian equivalent of David Fuller? Skuldeep

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After a horrible few months' heartache, I texted my ex to say, "You know what, I feel much better now. I'm sorry for all the hassle, but I'm definitely over you once and for all" "Aww I'm glad, but all the same, how do you or I know for sure?", she asked I replied, "Well. I can now wank again over the images I captured of you shagging me in my basement"

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I wish people wouldn't make that joke about slapping an Ethiopian in the face to kill a thousand flies etc Just heard back from my pen pal over there. Some bastard has broken his jaw

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At the flight check-in desk the attendant asked, "Sir does your luggage contain any perishables?" I said, "No. My wife's severed head is in there somewhere but I'm pretty certain she's already dead"

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"As I walk through The Valley of the shadow of death........please welcome your teams for today's game!"

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