I was on holiday with my Mrs, we were sat on the beach and all the other women were topless. I said "why don't you take your bikini top off?" She said "I feel self conscious" She finally did and said "how do I look?" I said "great" she said "really?" I said "yeah, it's pulled all the wrinkles out of your face "

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My wife said to me yesterday "do you want to suck my tits?" I said "no, I don't eat anything that's been on the floor"

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The missus walked out on me because of my shit sense of direction . She just packed her stuff and right.

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My wife's vagina smells like Roses. Roses is much tighter though.

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My dad’s always been fascinated by our family history, so I bought him a DNA ancestry test for his birthday. He must have thought it was a shit present. He hasn’t spoken to me since. Or Mum, oddly.

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My wife wanted to feel like she was on Love Island. So I invited a bunch of spastics round and blew up the inflatable paddling pool.

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My wife walked in on me fucking a girl at work up the arse. She screamed "you can't do this to me!" I said "I know, that's why I'm doing it to her! "

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I'm not saying that my wife is fat, but she fell down the stairs last night and I thought I'd just missed Eastenders.

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When I first met my future wife I thought "wow, what an arse!" Sadly, she thought the same about me.

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My wife dresses to kill. Unfortunately she cooks the same way.

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Ask your wife to sit on her hand til it goes numb, before wanking you off. It'll feel like her sister's doing it.

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As I pointed the gun at my wife’s face I said, “Any last words?” Three hours later, I shot her.

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I've just finished a bird table and my Mrs has gone mental. I only put her at no. 4

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Whenever I see my wife and her sister together... I wonder where Cinderella is.

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I asked my wife if she would like me to buy her a diamond ring for our wedding anniversary. ' I would like nothing better, ' she replied. I decided to go with that option.

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"You treat me like a dog," said my wife."I want us to sit down and talk about it." "OK," I replied, "but not on the couch."

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​I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high, and she looked surprised.

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I was home watching a film when a pole dancing scene came on. I said to my wife "you'd do really well at that " she said "that's a complement, do you really mean it?" I said yeah, you could fit about £10k in those knickers you wear"

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My wife is so fat, when she pulls her knickers down, her arse is still in them.

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My wife hates it when I hold the door open for her. She says "why can't I just have a shit in peace"

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My Wife says she is going to leave me if I don’t stop Gambling. I think she’s bluffing.

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My wife won me over with the line "I love the big bulge in your jeans, it really excites me!" Eventually I realised she meant my wallet!

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I met my wife when we both worked at the abattoir. She was stunning.

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As my wife lay in the coma the doctors approached the life support machine. "No, no, please," I sobbed, "just a little while longer. ' But my pleading didn't help. They woke her up.

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My wife says and does the nicest things. Just this morning she said, "I'm taking the kids and leaving you."

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My wife asked me for £150 a month for the weight loss jab. I gave her £20 to buy a padlock for the fridge.

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I've just ordered and paid for a stripper for my wife's birthday I hope she likes her.

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I remember when my wife was having our baby shouting, PUSH PUSH PUSH! She was wank at bump starting the car when she was pregnant

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My wife said she wanted me to be more like Patrick Swayze in Ghost. It’s the reason I spend so much time online harassing Whoopi Goldberg.

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I wouldn't say my missus was ugly but she came second in a Megan Fox look a like competition. Diane Abbott won it.

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The only time my wife will ever scream "DEEPER, DEEPER" is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.

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If there was a competition for saggy tits, my wife would beat everyone. In fact, she'd wipe the floor with them.

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My wife refuses to have a colostomy operation She says she can't find shoes to match her bag.

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I threw a punch at my wife's chin and missed. Luckily, I hit the one below it.

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just bought a new present for my wife that i think might liven her up a bit in the bed. Its a defibrillator.

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My wife got up and threw the bedroom curtains open this morning. ' It's another beautiful day darling, ' she said. ' I can't see a fucking thing, ' I replied, ' it's pitch black in here. '

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I went to the chemist and asked him to give me something to kill the missus. He said "Sorry sir but I can't do that". I then showed him a photo of my fat and ugly twat of a wife and he replied."Apologies you poor man I didn't realise you had a prescription".

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Me and the wife are having what is known as Olympic sex... It happens once every 4 years.

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What do you call a scouse woman in a white tracksuit? The bride

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Why do they call it Pre-Menstrual Tension? Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

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The wife's just been checking to see if she has everything ready for her first solo parachute jump tomorrow. I said, "Have you got a spare pair of knickers with you?" "What, in case I shit myself?" She replied. "No." I said, "in case your main chute doesn't fucking open."

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People say my wife has been around the block, but that's an understatement. Putting it in her is like opening the window and shagging the night

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​I told my wife that our marriage is like a long-term prison sentence, the only difference is that in prison, you actually get a decent shag.

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My wife was getting undressed in the bedroom. I said "move away from the window would you, the neighbour's will think I married you for your money"

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I went to the mortuary to identify my wife's body. When they removed the sheet I started sobbing uncontrollably. It wasn't her.

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When my wife saw my face, after all this time, she burst into tears. It was then that she realised... Witness Protection is a joke.

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"Do you think I'm sexy with lingerie on or completely naked?," asked my wife. "No," I replied.

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My missus has just told me that shaving takes the weight off my face. So I suggested she shave her arse.

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The difference between a turd and your wife. You don't have to cuddle a turd after you've laid it.

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The Police just been to my door holding a picture of my Wife They said "Is this your Wife Sir?" Shocked I answered "Yes" They said " We are afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus" I said "I know, but she takes it up the arse and she's good with the kids....."

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