My dad used to slave 12 hours a day to put food on the table I've never known a man cook so fucking slowly.

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I've always liked learning new synonyms. Last night, at a wine tasting, I learnt that 'sophisticated palate' means exactly the same thing as 'pretentious cunt.'

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The salesman said, "This sofa will seat five people without any problems." "Fucking hell," I thought, "Where am I supposed to find five people without any problems."

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Adding a colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example: Bob ate Jane's sandwich. Bob ate Jane's colon.

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I went for a job with the RSPB. The interviewer asked me what could I tell them about Barn Swallows. Didn't he invent the Bouncing Bomb?

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I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81. He said, 'No.'

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I just watched an Australian cooking show and the audience cheered when the chef made meringue. I was surprised...usually Australians boo meringue.

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I bought a jack in the box for 50p. But it doesn't work. Why am I not surprised.

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What a con. Lollipop men aren't actually made of lollipops if you run one over

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Talk about missing a trick. Sarah Cox and Joey Ball both work on Radio 2 The Cox and Balls Show.

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I went to see my wife in hospital and took her flowers. My girlfriend will love them.

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My wife found out I’d replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the roof.

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Missing girl 'found safe and well'. I'm guessing the well had water in it, but what was in the safe?

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Surnames often describe what your ancestors did in the past. I wonder if that's why David Dickinson has never been on Who Do You Think You Are?

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I was going to post a gag about flagellation, necrophilia and bestiality, but it's just flogging a dead horse.

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The gorgeous blonde doctor wrote her address on a piece of paper and slipped it in my pocket. I'll be fucked if I can read it.

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What brown, runny, and hides in the loft? The diarrhoea of Anne Frank.

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The chap who invented the speed boat has died. After his funeral there will be a wake.

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My mate who works for the RAC, has been off work for 6 weeks with stress. I think he's had a breakdown.

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The wife wants to sell our old Chinese bowl but it has a few chips in it. She'll have to wait until I've eaten them.

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What was the man in the iron mask's favourite food? Walled-off salad.

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Hello Mr Seaman. Good morning Mrs Windass, I see you are here with Mrs Belcher. Is Mr Woodcock okay? I'm afraid he woke up rather stiff this morning, so I have asked Miss Hooker to look after him. I was chatting to Mr Dickins earlier and he said that he and Miss Hooker regularly meet up. Well she is usually with Mr Cox. Do you happen to know if Mr Cummings is coming? I'll just check with Mrs Adcock. And do you know what time the Deed Poll Dodgers Society meeting starts please?

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Antonio Banderas O no, an arse bandit

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Dances With Wolves star Nathan Chasing Horse sentenced to life in prison. Don't try drugs, kids,,,

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Little boy: Mummy, can I lick the bowl clean? Mother: No, flush it like everyone else!

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How do you confuse an Irishman? Tell him even though it says sparkling on the label, it's still water.

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I was playing in the park with my daughter when a kid ran up to me and slapped me round the face with a slice of cheese.. I said how dairy

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Constipation isn’t my favourite health condition. But it’s definitely a solid number two.

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I threw a brick in the air and pondered what would happen... ... and then it hit me.

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So it's the cold shoulder from Iceland, the Dutch flatly refuse, the Irish say not on your Nelly and the Spanish archer (el-bow) from Spain. Thank fuck Eurovision won't be on as long. Can't think of a Slovenian one

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