People who post comments entirely in upper case want executing. Bring back capital punishment.

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My mate Dave and I were hiking through the jungle in Cambodia. Suddenly I saw a metallic disc on the ground. I bent down to pick it up, and Dave shouts "stop!!! That's a mine!!!" I replied "hell no!! Finders keepers!! And why you suddenly speaking like an Italian??"

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Pervert psycho breaks into a laundry fucks 2 women and runs off. Headline. Nut screws washers and bolts

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Dyslexic lives mattress.

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My three favourite things are eating out my friends and not using commas.

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I organised a night out for survivors of female genital mutilation, but none of them could come.

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News: Brazilian woman without a safety cord attached falls 130ft to her death in bungle jump.

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I fell asleep with my phone under my pillow. The next morning my phone was gone and there was a pound coin in its place. Fucking Bluetooth fairy!

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A dwarf psychic goes into a bookies with a sawn off and robs the place and flees. The headline reads Small medium at large

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Not an original. Heard it somewhere. Boy said to his mate "Walked past your house earlier. Your mum reminds me of a bond girl." "Very funny don't tell me Pussy Galore" "No but funnily enough she was On A Blackman"

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I went to a fetish restaurant last night. I got toed in the hole.

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I was born with a rare medical condition - I only had a single bum cheek. I had an operation to correct the problem, and I can't thank the surgeons enough. They made a complete arse of it.

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I can't believe that, in this day and age, no-one has managed to come up with a cure for anorexia. I thought it'd be a piece of cake.

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Is it "For fuck's sake" or "For fuck sake"? It's for a work email so it has to sound professional.

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My son took his first steps this morning.. the window cleaner is fucking furious

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I was going to have a brain transplant... but then I changed my mind.

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My partner was confused and irritated when I ordered 20 desks and a blackboard for our flat. I just wanted to make the place a bit more classy.

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What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.

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My dad used to slave 12 hours a day to put food on the table I've never known a man cook so fucking slowly.

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My wife is a true patriotic Scot. She burns supper every night.

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'Nothing rhymes with orange.' No it fucking doesn't.

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Man dies after falling from Eleventh Night bonfire in east Belfast. His family and friends paid tribute to him, saying 'He really was a great Guy.'

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A guy comes up to me and shouts AGNB in my face. I say "hey, thats bang out of order"

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People who use selfie sticks really need to take a good long look at themselves

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One for our older readers: I was in the pub with my wife. She said "stop looking at that bar maids bust" I said "I hadn't really noticed dear, I'll have pint of Titbread Wankard please"

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Stephen Bear jailed for breaching restraining order against Georgia Harrison. In his defence he did not harass Joan Lennon or Paula McCartney.

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Two cigarettes are sitting in the pub. Another cigarette walks in and sits down. The one leans over to his mate and says, "Don't mess with him. He's menthol."

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I shouted at the French guy, who was about to stab me, "Mercy!" "You're welcome," he replied.

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"canape" A bankrupt Scotsman

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I work in genetic engineering, but the pay isn't great. I made a monkey last week.

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Edinburgh woman critical in hospital, after the lower half of her body caught on fire in the street. Well, it's the right weather for wearing hotpants.

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I accidentally drank some invisible ink. I'm now in hospital waiting to be seen.

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Protesters outside Portsmouth hotel mistake Pakistan U19 cricket team for asylum seekers. They really were keen to see them out.

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I heard they just fired a policeman, Officer Neil Neck fired cos of his name!

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I was walking past a farm and a sign said "Duck, Eggs." I thought "That's an unnecessary comma." And then it hit me...

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Venison used to be a cheap meat, but now it's dead dear

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The first bus in Britain to be powered by human excrement ran from Bristol to Bath on the Number 2 route (yes, really). Came out of a shithole, too.

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When it comes to star signs, us Capricorns are the Greatest Of All Time.

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I drank some wkd with ice in it. It was wicked.

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What's red and sits in a fish bar. Abortion of chips.

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The driver of that locomotive in Bedfordshire was fully trained.

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Adding a colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example: Bob ate Jane's sandwich. Bob ate Jane's colon.

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Why do bears shit in the woods? Well all the leaves are brown.

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My wife's got a new job at the local bread bakery. Should be perfect for the kneady cow.

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I lost the rag with my wife this morning when she burned my breakfast. I'm black toast intolerant.

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Q. What's 12" long and snaps a cunt? A. A selfie stick

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I've been trying to give up pornography, but some of the stuff on the Internet makes it very hard for me.

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Epstein Files. Will Andy Burnham?

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I was in a posh wine bar last night, this gorgeous young blonde with big tits in a slinky dress was giving me the eye so I went over and asked her name. She said "Chantelle." I said "Well if that's your attitude fine!" and stormed out.

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Two piles of sick are walking down the road, when one starts crying. The other asks what's wrong, and the crying one replies "Nothing, it's just this is where I was brought up".

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