I do an evening of stand up comedy and jokes for the patients at our local Hospice every six weeks. It always goes down very well. The good news is that I never need to change my act.
Death Squeaky 🥇 🥈 (349) · 05-02-2026 1121I had only been seeing my girlfriend for two weeks when she was killed in a car crash. The first time I met her parents was at the funeral.What a pair of miserable bastards they were.
Death Squeaky 🥇 🥈 (349) · 03-01-2026 1031Our mum died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to "be positive" but it’s really hard without her.
Death Allobosca (115) · 16-12-2025 1126They say that one out of every four people has the potential to be a serial killer. So I killed three of my closest friends. I should be safe now.
Death Stallion 🥉 🥇 🥉 (574) · 15-02-2026 1235I realise now that I should have told my three kids not to play with matches. Anyway, I've told my two kids not to do it again.
Death Stallion 🥉 🥇 🥉 (574) · 30-12-2025 1641I can't believe I got fired for taking my work home with me. Anyway, I won't be performing any more autopsies.
Death Stallion 🥉 🥇 🥉 (574) · 16-02-2026 1422Having pets has made my daughter learn about old age and death. Our Rottweiler killed her granny.
Death Stallion 🥉 🥇 🥉 (574) · 13-02-2026 2214I like to smile at Pakistani men and then wink. It's great being an army sniper.
Death Stallion 🥉 🥇 🥉 (574) · 12-01-2026 2010Say what you like about Vladimir Putin. He's still the best damned Geography teacher of all time.
Death ianwatkins 🥈 (602) · 17-12-2025 1559Just buried my friend who was hit by a tennis ball. The service was great
Death Allobosca (115) · 31-01-2026 1910At my funeral everyone will be given a taser. Last one standing inherits everything.
Death Stallion 🥉 🥇 🥉 (574) · 09-01-2026 1952Police have confirmed that the man who fell from the roof of a nightclub and died was not a Bouncer.
Death Harold-Bisop (73) · 26-12-2025 0631Chris Rea finally pulled off the ultimate “Driving Home for Christmas” – no sat-nav needed, just a grim reaper in the passenger seat flooring it down the express lane to the afterlife, three days before the big day. The cheeky bastard pancreatic cancer that nicked his entire pancreas, duodenum, gallbladder, and a slab of liver back in 2001 must’ve been fuming it didn’t finish the job then – came crawling back like a bad ex for round two and finally bagged the gravel-voiced legend. This absolute tank of a man survived that Whipple butchery, a massive stroke in 2016 that fucked his arms and speech, type 1 diabetes, peritonitis, popping 34 pills a day like they were fucking Tic Tacs, and seven insulin jabs just to stay vertical… only to peg it right when every supermarket, radio station, and M&S advert is blasting his husky arse warbling about top of the world and thousand memories. Talk about cosmic piss-take – millions driving home to his tune while his family’s booking a hearse with tinsel on the roof. At least up there, no more chemo, no more needles, and the heating’s guaranteed better than a frozen British motorway. Farewell, you indestructible Middlesbrough madman – heaven’s roads to hell just got a proper soundtrack. RIP you glorious, chain-smoking, blues-belting hero
Death supergalley 🥉 🥇 (813) · 22-12-2025 1543My mum died 10 years ago today. I went on youtube and listened to her funeral song. Bridge Over Troubled Water by Simon and Garfunkel and cried a little. Then the song ended and Youtube went HEY DO YOU NEED A COFFIN? LOOKING FOR A CHEAP FUNERAL? CALL 0800-YOUR-MUMS-DEAD
Death ianwatkins 🥈 (602) · 11-12-2025 2348In today's world, it’s vital to establish a good vocabulary. If only I had known the difference between the words 'antidote' and 'anecdote', my wife would still be alive now
Death Allobosca (115) · 18-02-2026 1025A reporter asked a bomb disposal expert, "How stressful is your job?" "It's not," he replied, "either I'm right or suddenly it's not my problem."
Death Stallion 🥉 🥇 🥉 (574) · 02-12-2025 2022"How bad is it doc?," I asked. "Well," he replied, "all you have to do is stop drinking and do some exercise." "So it's terminal then," I sighed.
Death Stallion 🥉 🥇 🥉 (574) · 01-12-2025 2235The programmer who invented Predictive Text has sadly died. His former employee confirmed the details: 'Him funfair will be helped neck Sundial.'
Death DdraigGoch 🥈 (192) · 15-02-2026 1820A friend of mine survived a fall from 20,000 feet out of a plane. It was when he hit the ground that killed him.
Death supergalley 🥉 🥇 (813) · 24-01-2026 0710