I do an evening of stand up comedy and jokes for the patients at our local Hospice every six weeks. It always goes down very well. The good news is that I never need to change my act.
Death Squeaky 🥉 🥉 (586) · 05-02-2026 1121I had only been seeing my girlfriend for two weeks when she was killed in a car crash. The first time I met her parents was at the funeral.What a pair of miserable bastards they were.
Death Squeaky 🥉 🥉 (586) · 03-01-2026 1031Our mum died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to "be positive" but it’s really hard without her.
Death Allobosca 🥇 🥇 (479) · 16-12-2025 1126When I die people are going to say two things. Some will say, "He was a miserable, racist bastard." Others will say, "Yep, you're right."
Death Stallion 🥉 🥇 (835) · 27-03-2026 1318My wife just screamed at me "i hope you are fucking happy now?" I don't think she means it though.
Death garry6291 (350) · 12-04-2026 1607The doctor said to me, "You'll be at peace soon." "Am I dying?,"I asked. "No," he replied, "Your wife is."
Death Stallion 🥉 🥇 (835) · 01-04-2026 1215They say that one out of every four people has the potential to be a serial killer. So I killed three of my closest friends. I should be safe now.
Death Stallion 🥉 🥇 (835) · 15-02-2026 1235I realise now that I should have told my three kids not to play with matches. Anyway, I've told my two kids not to do it again.
Death Stallion 🥉 🥇 (835) · 30-12-2025 1641Our English teacher came into the classroom and put a snake on the desk. As we all crowded around to see it, he said, "This snake will help you to understand that using correct English is very important." "Is it poisonous?," asked Mary. "No," he replied. Mary reached out to stroke it and was immediately bitten. Within seconds she was spasming and foaming at the mouth. "However, it is venomous," he said.
Death Stallion 🥉 🥇 (835) · 30-03-2026 1331I can't believe I got fired for taking my work home with me. Anyway, I won't be performing any more autopsies.
Death Stallion 🥉 🥇 (835) · 16-02-2026 1422Having pets has made my daughter learn about old age and death. Our Rottweiler killed her granny.
Death Stallion 🥉 🥇 (835) · 13-02-2026 2214I like to smile at Pakistani men and then wink. It's great being an army sniper.
Death Stallion 🥉 🥇 (835) · 12-01-2026 2010Say what you like about Vladimir Putin. He's still the best damned Geography teacher of all time.
Death ianwatkins 🥈 (695) · 17-12-2025 1559I tried to warn my son about playing Russian roulette but It ended up going straight in one ear and out the other.
Death supergalley 🥈 (169) · 18-03-2026 2029I was queuing in the supermarket yesterday when an old dear collapsed and died as she was walking away from the till. The really funny thing was she'd just bought a bag for life!
Death DdraigGoch (252) · 16-03-2026 12246 people dead in a bus fire in Switzerland. Makes a change from being buried in an avalanche I guess.
Death ianwatkins 🥈 (695) · 10-03-2026 23426 people dead in bus fire in Switzerland. This would have been sad if 41 people hadn't died in a bar fire in Switzerland on New Year's Eve. Now it just seems like Switzerland is a really shit place to visit.
Death ianwatkins 🥈 (695) · 10-03-2026 2341Just buried my friend who was hit by a tennis ball. The service was great
Death Allobosca 🥇 🥇 (479) · 31-01-2026 1910At my funeral everyone will be given a taser. Last one standing inherits everything.
Death Stallion 🥉 🥇 (835) · 09-01-2026 1952Police have confirmed that the man who fell from the roof of a nightclub and died was not a Bouncer.
Death Harold-Bisop (73) · 26-12-2025 0631Chris Rea finally pulled off the ultimate “Driving Home for Christmas” – no sat-nav needed, just a grim reaper in the passenger seat flooring it down the express lane to the afterlife, three days before the big day. The cheeky bastard pancreatic cancer that nicked his entire pancreas, duodenum, gallbladder, and a slab of liver back in 2001 must’ve been fuming it didn’t finish the job then – came crawling back like a bad ex for round two and finally bagged the gravel-voiced legend. This absolute tank of a man survived that Whipple butchery, a massive stroke in 2016 that fucked his arms and speech, type 1 diabetes, peritonitis, popping 34 pills a day like they were fucking Tic Tacs, and seven insulin jabs just to stay vertical… only to peg it right when every supermarket, radio station, and M&S advert is blasting his husky arse warbling about top of the world and thousand memories. Talk about cosmic piss-take – millions driving home to his tune while his family’s booking a hearse with tinsel on the roof. At least up there, no more chemo, no more needles, and the heating’s guaranteed better than a frozen British motorway. Farewell, you indestructible Middlesbrough madman – heaven’s roads to hell just got a proper soundtrack. RIP you glorious, chain-smoking, blues-belting hero
Death supergalley 🥈 (169) · 22-12-2025 1543My mum died 10 years ago today. I went on youtube and listened to her funeral song. Bridge Over Troubled Water by Simon and Garfunkel and cried a little. Then the song ended and Youtube went HEY DO YOU NEED A COFFIN? LOOKING FOR A CHEAP FUNERAL? CALL 0800-YOUR-MUMS-DEAD
Death ianwatkins 🥈 (695) · 11-12-2025 2348Ida Mae passes away, and Bubba calls the hospital. The operator asks where the ambulance can find Ida Mae. He says "We're at the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asks, "Can you spell that for me?". After a bit of thought, Bubba asks, "How 'bout I drag her over to Oak Street and you can pick her up there?"
Death Allobosca 🥇 🥇 (479) · 05-04-2026 1814Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight. Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions
Death supergalley 🥈 (169) · 18-03-2026 2011At least six dead in Switzerland bus fire, or to put it another way: Bad News: Bus fire in Switzerland Good News: At least 6 of them are dead
Death ianwatkins 🥈 (695) · 10-03-2026 2344In today's world, it’s vital to establish a good vocabulary. If only I had known the difference between the words 'antidote' and 'anecdote', my wife would still be alive now
Death Allobosca 🥇 🥇 (479) · 18-02-2026 1025What's the difference between Princess Diana and the Queen Mum? They both died pushing 102.
Death Allobosca 🥇 🥇 (479) · 25-04-2026 1857A reporter asked a bomb disposal expert, "How stressful is your job?" "It's not," he replied, "either I'm right or suddenly it's not my problem."
Death Stallion 🥉 🥇 (835) · 02-12-2025 2022"How bad is it doc?," I asked. "Well," he replied, "all you have to do is stop drinking and do some exercise." "So it's terminal then," I sighed.
Death Stallion 🥉 🥇 (835) · 01-12-2025 2235The programmer who invented Predictive Text has sadly died. His former employee confirmed the details: 'Him funfair will be helped neck Sundial.'
Death DdraigGoch (252) · 15-02-2026 1820A friend of mine survived a fall from 20,000 feet out of a plane. It was when he hit the ground that killed him.
Death supergalley 🥈 (169) · 24-01-2026 0710