Gary Glitter likes having sex with underage girls, doesn't like having his picture in the papers, and is always insisting that everyone join his gang. Is it just me, or does anyone else think he might be the reincarnation of the Prophet Mohammed?

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A Saudi judge is standing over a dozen condemned men in a prison courtyard. "All of you have been convicted of theft for a third time," the judge says. "And as you know, under shariah law the penalty for a third theft offence is death." The prisoners all start trembling and whimpering as the judge gestures towards the state executioner, eagerly sharpening his beheading sword. "However," the judge says, with clear disappointment. "Our Glorious King has recently been petitioned by the United Nations to adopt a more liberal style justice system." Some of the prisoners look up hopefully while others pray quietly to Allah. "As such," the judge sighs. "Those convicted of a third theft are henceforth to be given a choice between beheading and participation in a half-day Offender Rehabilitation Workshop." The prisoner's mouths drop open. Many start sobbing with joy. "So," the judge says. "Hands up everyone who wants to do the workshop."

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What's black and white and tells the pope to fuck off? A nun who's won the lottery.

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I've just become the leap frog world record holder On the down side I'm now banned from entering any mosques.

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For legal reasons, newspapers are often forbidden from printing pictures of child abuse suspects before they are convicted Which might explain a thing or two about the Prophet Mohammed

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A married man goes into the confession box and says to the priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman". The priest says, "Almost? What do you mean, almost?" The man replies, "Well, we kissed and both got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest then says, "Rubbing together is the same thing as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say 10 Hail Mary's and put $100 in the poor box." Then man then leaves the confessional, says his prayers, and then walks over to the collection box. He pauses for a moment, and then starts to leave. Meanwhile, the priest is watching all this time, and quickly runs over to him saying, "Hey, I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box."   The man replies, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $100 on the box, and according to you, that's the same thing as putting it in!"

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Religion, same shit, different deity.

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If Islam is the religion of peace, then homeopathy is the medicine of science.

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I bet Eve ate the fruit because Adam wasn't "giving her enough attention"

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I've just found out that although Mohammeds wife Aishea was only 6 when he married her, he waited till she was 9 to consummate the union. See, Islam is as bad as people make out.

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My Muslim wife wanted to try swinging. Before that she went on the roundabout and the slide

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A bus load of pykies goes over a cliff (whoopee!) and when they get to the pearly gates, St Peter says, "Sorry guys, but we don't have enough room, 10 of you will have to go down to purgatory. You'll have to decide amongst yourselves." So the pykies start to squabble and when St Peter can take no more he says, "Ok, ok, I'll go have a word with the boss." He goes to see God - "Err. Excuse me god, we've got a bus load of pykies outside the gates and not enough space, can you come down and have a word with them?" God agrees and heads with St Peter back towards the gates. When they get closer, St Peter exclaims, "What the hell?! They've gone!" God, "What? All 40 of them?" St Peter - "Not the pykies... the fucking gates!"

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Jesus and Moses are fishing in a boat. "Gee," says Moses, "I wonder if I can still do my old trick." So he reaches his staff out over the water, and "FOOM!" the water parts! "Yes, yes!" Moses shouts. "three thousand years later, I still got it!" and closes the water back up. "I wonder if I can still do my old trick," Jesus wonders. He steps out over the side of the boat and promptly starts to sink like a stone! Moses helps pull the coughing and sputtering Jesus back into the boat. "Wow, Jesus," Moses says, "I'm sorry you couldn't do your old trick." "Well," Jesus replies, "last time I did it I didn't have holes in my feet."

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Did you hear about the reverse exorcism? The devil couldn't get the priest out of the boy

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Q: What's the difference between God and a Psychiatrist? A: God doesn't think he's a Psychiatrist.

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Teacher: Can anyone name a Cardinal sin? Little Johnny: Fucking choirboys!

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I was walking down a street in Saudi Arabia holding my boyfriend's hand. I don't know where he is, but the stupid twat must have stolen something.

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Jesus is at the last supper and takes the bread, blesses it, and says, "Take this, all of you, and eat it, for this is my body." He then proceeds to bless the wine and says, "Take this, all of you, and drink it, for this is my blood." Finally, he picks up the milk, but Peter looks at him and says, "You can fuck right off."

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The wife and I went to Mumbai and stayed in a cheap hotel. The place was an absolute pit: filthy, thick with flies and absolutely pungent. The owner led us through the grimy, cockroach infested corridors to our room and just when we thought it couldn't get any worse he opened the door to reveal two huge cows just sitting there inside the hotel the room! "I hope you don't mind having a couple of roommates for the night," the owner said. "They are actually very clean but if you don't want them here I can put them in the yard." "You can't be serious!" I said. "Of course we don't want them in our room!" "Sorry, sir," said the owner. "I wasn't talking to you."

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During the war, many of the RAF's bombers were built by Vickers. But they were too big to get out of the church.

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There's a bloke at work who's an unorthodox jew. He's a Nazi.

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What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an atheist? Someone who knocks on your door for no reason.

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Sri Lanka police arrest 22 monks after 110kg of cannabis found in luggage. Good luck trying to get any of them to squeal...

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God shows Adam and Eve the Garden of Eden and explains it is their paradise.Both of them are stunned by it's beauty. ' Wait, ' says Adam, ' who is that wrinkly old bastard over there? ' ' Oh, don't worry about him, ' replied God, ' he's been here longer than me. That's Keith Richards.'

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Three nuns are sent from the convent to town to do the weekly shop. Unfortunately, the road runs through the wild wood, and half way through a gang of wild thieves jump out and rape the nuns mercilessly one after the other. Then they let them go. The nuns are stunned into silence, but as they approach town, one turns to the other two and says "What on earth is Mother Superior going to say when we tell her we were gang raped twice in one day?" "What do you mean twice" one of the others asks, "Well," says the first, "we do have to come back this way don't we, hee hee".

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Jesus walks into a hotel, drops four nails on the counter, and says "Put me up for the night."

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At the end of the Last Supper Jesus was handed the bill. He began shaking his head and said, ' what idiot ordered the wine? '

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Jesus stood before the angry crowd and said, "Let the first one among you, who is without sin, cast the first stone." A rock flew over the crowd and hit Jesus on the back of the head. He turned around and said, "Fuck off, Mum!"

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The great thing about being an adult is I can sit really close to the TV, just to piss off my mother while she burns in hell. Of course the downside to being an adult is knowing there is no such place as hell.

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All this bloody red tape at work since Brexit is driving me up the wall. At the manufacturer where I work we've got to apply for export licences, non-disclosure agreements and all the rest before we can even put a thing on the lorry to Dover. At this rate, soon they'll be telling me I need to spend half my day filling in forms before I can punt any more plutonium to that Ayatollah bloke.

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A Catholic priest in a small rural town was very fond of his 10 chickens and 1 handsome cock he kept in a hen house behind the rectory. One Saturday night the priest discovered that the rooster was missing. At the same time the priest heard rumours of cock fights being held in town. Shocked and dismayed, he decided to say something during Mass. During Mass he asked the congregation, "Who among you will confess to sporting a handsome cock?" All the men stood up. "No, no," he said. "That's not what I mean. Who among you will confess to having seen a handsome cock?" All the women stood up. "Oh, no," he said. "That's not what I mean either. Who among you will confess to having seen a cock that doesn't belong to you?" Half the women stood up. "Oh Lord," he said. "Perhaps I should rephrase the question: Has anybody seen my cock?" All the choirboys stood up.

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So, it's Jesus' last night before he's off to be crucified, and after supper the disciples decide to treat him to a night of passion with a hooker. They all wander off to find a brothel, go inside and find the prettiest one there. They each chip in a few pieces of silver, and with much jeering send Jesus off upstairs with his new companion. Five minutes later the disciples hear raised voices from upsatairs. It sounds an awful lot like Jesus' whore swearing and cursing at him. One of the disciples spots him looking very sheepish at the top of the stairs: Disciple: "What are you doing there mate? You're meant to be enjoying yourself!" Jesus: "Yeah, I know." Disciple: "We paid for a full hour - you've only been five minutes!" Jesus: "I know." Disciple: "So what's up?" Jesus: "Well we both got naked, and I started having a good feel, after a little while I moved my hand down to between her legs and began touching her chuff." Disciple: "That's what she's paid for... so what's the problem?" Jesus: "It healed."

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Eve asked Adam "Are we black or are we white"? to which Adam replied "I don't know". So Eve tells him to go and ask god if we are black or white. So Adam goes to the bottom of Eden and shouts up to God "Are we black or are we white"? A big booming voice is heard"YOU ARE WHAT YOU ARE". Adam happy with that goes back to Eve and tells her we are white because God said we are what you are. Eve puzzled with this and says to Adam "Well how does that make us white"? Adam replied "Because if we're black God would of said...YOU IZ WHAT YOU IZ".

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Did you hear about the Amish flu? First you get a little horse... Then you get a little buggy.

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I stumbled across a YouTube channel just now, there was a woman reading out a list suggesting really fun things to do. I think that she called it The Seven Deadly Sins?

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Jesus was a carpenter, but he couldn't play any instruments. That's why Karen and Richard wouldn't let him in the band.

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The fact that Jesus didn't have a fair trial,called everyone brother and liked gospel were strong indications that he was probably black.

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Have you noticed whenever God throws a wobbler he always sends his Earthquakes and Tsunamis to the most poverty ridden disease infected shitholes on the planet. I would be very worried if I lived in Oldham, Burnley or Rochdale.

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Why do Jewish men get circumcised? Jewish woman can't resist anything with 25% off.

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On the first day of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me... Fifteen dead Jewwwwws A ten year old corpse Nine empty clips Eight uneaten latkes Seven "outraged" politicians Thousands of meaningless vigils Billions of happy Muslims and endless bullshit coverage on the BBC

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Mary, exhausted, having just gotten Jesus to sleep is approached by a young man who thinks to himself: What this girl needs is a drum solo!

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Why was Jesus crucified alongside two thieves? Because if he wasn't nailed down, they'd have nicked him.

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The CEO of Tyson Chicken goes to the Pope. "Your Holiness," he says, "Tyson Chicken will donate $1 million to the Vatican if you change the words in the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken'." "Absolutely not!" the Pope screams, "No way! That prayer was given to us by Jesus himself!" "Okay," the CEO says, "how about $5 million?" "Um," the Pope considers. "We could sure do a lot with $5 million, but nope, can't do it." "Okay, $10 million." "Done." So the CEO hands over the cash, and the Pope calls the Cardinals together. "I got good news and bad news," he says. "Good news is, I just got a contribution for $10 million. Bad news is, we lost the WonderBread account."

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When I was an Altar Boy we had a newly ordained Priest. He was quite nervous about taking confession, and asked me what the old Priest would have given for sodomy. I told him the usual was a Mars bar and a can of Coke.

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How do you make a bear cross? Nail it to a plank of wood

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What happened when Jesus went to Mount Olive? Popeye kicked the shit out of him.

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Irish priest, English vicar and Scottish minister on a ship, ship starts to sink so vicar jumps up and shouts "save the children", the minister jumps to his feet and screams "fuck the children", the priest stands up and says "have we time?"

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A priest asks the convicted murderer in the electric chair, “Do you have any last requests?” “Yes,” replies the murderer. “Can you please hold my hand?”

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What is the difference between Jesus, and a picture of Jesus? You can hang the picture with just one nail.

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Why is the bible like a penis? You get it forced down your throat by a priest.

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