Gary Glitter likes having sex with underage girls, doesn't like having his picture in the papers, and is always insisting that everyone join his gang. Is it just me, or does anyone else think he might be the reincarnation of the Prophet Mohammed?

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For legal reasons, newspapers are often forbidden from printing pictures of child abuse suspects before they are convicted Which might explain a thing or two about the Prophet Mohammed

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A married man goes into the confession box and says to the priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman". The priest says, "Almost? What do you mean, almost?" The man replies, "Well, we kissed and both got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest then says, "Rubbing together is the same thing as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say 10 Hail Mary's and put $100 in the poor box." Then man then leaves the confessional, says his prayers, and then walks over to the collection box. He pauses for a moment, and then starts to leave. Meanwhile, the priest is watching all this time, and quickly runs over to him saying, "Hey, I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box."   The man replies, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $100 on the box, and according to you, that's the same thing as putting it in!"

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Religion, same shit, different deity.

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My Muslim wife wanted to try swinging. Before that she went on the roundabout and the slide

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Jesus and Moses are fishing in a boat. "Gee," says Moses, "I wonder if I can still do my old trick." So he reaches his staff out over the water, and "FOOM!" the water parts! "Yes, yes!" Moses shouts. "three thousand years later, I still got it!" and closes the water back up. "I wonder if I can still do my old trick," Jesus wonders. He steps out over the side of the boat and promptly starts to sink like a stone! Moses helps pull the coughing and sputtering Jesus back into the boat. "Wow, Jesus," Moses says, "I'm sorry you couldn't do your old trick." "Well," Jesus replies, "last time I did it I didn't have holes in my feet."

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Did you hear about the reverse exorcism? The devil couldn't get the priest out of the boy

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The wife and I went to Mumbai and stayed in a cheap hotel. The place was an absolute pit: filthy, thick with flies and absolutely pungent. The owner led us through the grimy, cockroach infested corridors to our room and just when we thought it couldn't get any worse he opened the door to reveal two huge cows just sitting there inside the hotel the room! "I hope you don't mind having a couple of roommates for the night," the owner said. "They are actually very clean but if you don't want them here I can put them in the yard." "You can't be serious!" I said. "Of course we don't want them in our room!" "Sorry, sir," said the owner. "I wasn't talking to you."

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During the war, many of the RAF's bombers were built by Vickers. But they were too big to get out of the church.

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What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an atheist? Someone who knocks on your door for no reason.

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There's a bloke at work who's an unorthodox jew. He's a Nazi.

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So, it's Jesus' last night before he's off to be crucified, and after supper the disciples decide to treat him to a night of passion with a hooker. They all wander off to find a brothel, go inside and find the prettiest one there. They each chip in a few pieces of silver, and with much jeering send Jesus off upstairs with his new companion. Five minutes later the disciples hear raised voices from upsatairs. It sounds an awful lot like Jesus' whore swearing and cursing at him. One of the disciples spots him looking very sheepish at the top of the stairs: Disciple: "What are you doing there mate? You're meant to be enjoying yourself!" Jesus: "Yeah, I know." Disciple: "We paid for a full hour - you've only been five minutes!" Jesus: "I know." Disciple: "So what's up?" Jesus: "Well we both got naked, and I started having a good feel, after a little while I moved my hand down to between her legs and began touching her chuff." Disciple: "That's what she's paid for... so what's the problem?" Jesus: "It healed."

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Eve asked Adam "Are we black or are we white"? to which Adam replied "I don't know". So Eve tells him to go and ask god if we are black or white. So Adam goes to the bottom of Eden and shouts up to God "Are we black or are we white"? A big booming voice is heard"YOU ARE WHAT YOU ARE". Adam happy with that goes back to Eve and tells her we are white because God said we are what you are. Eve puzzled with this and says to Adam "Well how does that make us white"? Adam replied "Because if we're black God would of said...YOU IZ WHAT YOU IZ".

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Why was Jesus crucified alongside two thieves? Because if he wasn't nailed down, they'd have nicked him.

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The CEO of Tyson Chicken goes to the Pope. "Your Holiness," he says, "Tyson Chicken will donate $1 million to the Vatican if you change the words in the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken'." "Absolutely not!" the Pope screams, "No way! That prayer was given to us by Jesus himself!" "Okay," the CEO says, "how about $5 million?" "Um," the Pope considers. "We could sure do a lot with $5 million, but nope, can't do it." "Okay, $10 million." "Done." So the CEO hands over the cash, and the Pope calls the Cardinals together. "I got good news and bad news," he says. "Good news is, I just got a contribution for $10 million. Bad news is, we lost the WonderBread account."

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When I was an Altar Boy we had a newly ordained Priest. He was quite nervous about taking confession, and asked me what the old Priest would have given for sodomy. I told him the usual was a Mars bar and a can of Coke.

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Why is the bible like a penis? You get it forced down your throat by a priest.

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A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her: 'Can we have sex?' 'No,' she replies, 'I'm married to God.' She stands up, and gets off at the next stop. The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says: 'I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!' 'Yeah?', says the hippie. 'Yeah!', say the bus driver. 'She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray. So all you have to do it dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard,and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God.' The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night. 'I am God' he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face.'Have sex with me.' The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity. 'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes,he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish. 'Ha-ha,' he cries. 'I am the hippie!' 'Ha-ha,' cries the nun. "I am the bus driver..."

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A young priest, a bishop and a cardinal were in a train station trying to get to Pittsburgh. The young priest goes to the window, and the ticket lady is quiet nice to the eyes, wearing a low-cut blouse with the top couple buttons undone. "Umm, ah," the priest stammers, "we want three pickets to Titsburgh." The bishop grabs the priest and pushes him aside. "Young man, you need to control your earthly desires, or you have no business in the priesthood. I'll get the tickets." The bishop goes to the window and says "We want three TICKETS to PITTSBURGH, and we want our change in nipples and dimes." The cardinal grabs the bishop. "Now, I shouldn't have to give you the same lecture you gave the priest. I'll get the tickets." "Okay," the cardinal says, "we want three TICKETS to PITTSBURGH, we want our change in NICKLES and dimes, and young lady, you better change your ways and not try to show off your blessings or when you die St. Finger is going to wave his peter at you."

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