I hate it when there isn't any toilet paper and you have to do that stupid walk with your trousers around your ankles. Anyway, I'm nearly at the corner shop now.

0 comments

Don't get one of those rescue cats. My gran had one, she fell, and the cat just literally sat there and did nothing.

0 comments

I remember when I was at school a policeman came in and did a talk on drugs. We couldn't understand a word he was saying.

0 comments

18:54 Arrive at crime scene. 18:54 Examine body. 18:54 Search the area. 18:54 Find the murder weapon. 18:54 Realise watch has stopped.

0 comments

A famous artist who had brown fingers. Picasso.

0 comments

I was clearing out my late Nan's house and I found an interesting looking Chinese vase in a box in the attic. I wondered if it was valuable, perhaps Qing or Ming dynasty. So I placed it with Sothebys Auctioneers. I'm delighted to say that it sold for a six-figure sum! £6

0 comments

I've discovered that I have a superpower. I can melt ice cubes just by staring at them. It takes a while though.

0 comments

Add a hilarious twist to a classic practical joke. Fill your Nan's whoopee cushion with gravy!

1 comment

I ate too many large omelettes in a week and got badly constipated. Saw my GP, he prescribed Dulcolax suppositories. Tasted nasty! And for all the good they did, I might just as well have shoved them up my arse!!

0 comments

"How long do cats usually sleep for?" I asked the vet over the phone. "On average about fifteen hours a day." he told me. "So eight months is excessive then."? I asked.

0 comments

Q. What's the difference between a barrowload of diarrhoea & a barrowload of babies? A. You can't unload diarrhoea with a pitchfork!

0 comments

If your bidet isn't working don't worry! Just turn the shower on and do a handstand.

0 comments