I phoned my boss's mobile. "I'm on the train heading to the south coast now." "What..?" he answered, sounding a bit annoyed. "It's five o'clock in the fucking morning! What are you doing on a train?" "You tell me," I replied. "You're the one who told me to be in Brighton early this morning."
Silly garry6291 (652) · 13-08-2026 1016I saw a middle-aged man in a terrible wig and shouted "Oi, what do you identify as faggot?" As it turns out, it was a really bad start to my trial!
Silly DdraigGoch (747) · 21-06-2026 0548A man was savagely attacked at The Teddy Bear's Picnic. His condition is said to be improving but he's not out of the woods yet.
Silly notbaldbob (1145) · 26-07-2026 0743Apparently, North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York, which is a bit scary. If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.
Silly notbaldbob (1145) · 17-07-2026 0728I accidentally swallowed a load of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Silly Allobosca (2269) · 20-07-2026 1350I had a goldfish that could breakdance on the carpet. Only for like 20 seconds. And only once.
Silly notbaldbob (1145) · 10-07-2026 1054I've just published a book about telekinesis. It's a bestseller, absolutely flying off the shelves
Silly Stickyagain (2100) · 11-08-2026 1805The first-aid instructor told us to practise mouth-to-mouth. I thought the five-minute struggle meant I was doing it properly. Then she pointed at the mannequin.
Silly WayOutWest 🥉 (459) · 29-07-2026 2112A teacher says to her class, "can anyone give me a .sentence with the word dandelion in it". A little Jamaican lad puts up his hand. "Yes Desmond" says the teacher. "Da cheetah is faster dandelion miss".
Silly notbaldbob (1145) · 24-07-2026 2120I was sitting in the pub doing a Crossword when I turned to my Scottish mate and said.."I'm stuck on one.. Stranded On An Island, eight letters." "Marooned" He said. "About fucking time" I replied. "I'll have a lager."
Silly notbaldbob (1145) · 17-07-2026 0818Had this dream I was shagging Karen carpenter and Lena zavaroni. Two birds one stone.
Silly Joeydeaconsbastard (1200) · 18-06-2026 2124My doctor's prescribed me some haemorrhoid cream. On the label it says, 'For External Use Only'. My neighbours aren't too chuffed.
Silly › Toilet Humour Light Toilet Humour Light theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥈 🥇 (3922) · 19-09-2026 1123Man who was duct-taped on flight after outburst breaks his silence. He told reporters; 'Mmmmmmf! Mmmmf! Mmmmmfffff!'
Silly theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥈 🥇 (3922) · 17-09-2026 2031My wife woke up with a big smile on her face this morning. I fucking love felt tip pens.
Silly › Childlike Childlike Squeaky (2110) · 09-09-2026 0742There's a poster outside my local Asda that says, 'UK Baby Retailer of the Year'. They never seem to have any out on the shelves.
Silly theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥈 🥇 (3922) · 11-08-2026 1756A ship was wrecked and the only survivor was a man and his dog . After weeks at sea, the man was starving so he killed and ate the dog. As he sat in the lifeboat staring at a pile of bones, he thought "Rover would have loved those"
Silly Stickyagain (2100) · 27-07-2026 0838A magician in Queensland, Australia has vanished without a trace in remote wilderness, with armed forces called in to help in the search. Fucking hell, he's good.
Silly theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥈 🥇 (3922) · 22-06-2026 1227Someone once called me illiterate. Bollocks. My folks had been married three years when they had me.
Silly theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥈 🥇 (3922) · 04-10-2026 1058I used to put slug pellets down in my garden, until I read that hedgehogs also eat them and get poisoned. Now I put out a saucerful of beer instead. Anyway, I can't get any sleep now, as my garden is full of pissed-up slugs and hedgehogs singing and fighting all night.
Silly › Absurd Absurd theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥈 🥇 (3922) · 13-09-2026 1039I dumped my new girlfriend when she told me she’d slept with a Brazilian. I don’t know how many a Brazilian is, but it sounds like a lot.
Silly WayOutWest 🥉 (459) · 31-07-2026 1832My GP asked whether I had a support network. I gave him the password to next door’s Wi-Fi.
Silly WayOutWest 🥉 (459) · 27-07-2026 1905Rowan Atkinson's next film role is to play a comical character who is unable to satisfy his wife. 'Missed her Bean' is showing in cinemas from Friday.
Silly notbaldbob (1145) · 21-07-2026 1708I visited a brothel once and asked for the Girlfriend Experience. She told me I was dumped for visiting prostitutes.
Silly theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥈 🥇 (3922) · 24-06-2026 0937Applied for a job as a blacksmith and the interviewer asked if I've ever shoed a horse. I replied "Nope but I've told a couple of donkeys to fuck off".
Silly Joeydeaconsbastard (1200) · 22-06-2026 1222Found an old fashioned chip shop and they still wrap your meals in newspaper. Today I got a plaice in the sun.
Silly Joeydeaconsbastard (1200) · 08-06-2026 1923A skeleton walks into a bar, and asks for a pint of lager and a mop. Credit to very old joke.
Silly theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥈 🥇 (3922) · 06-09-2026 0114I went to the restaurant and ordered the octopus the waiter said "It will take about six hours". I said "Why's that"? And he replied "The cunt keeps turning the gas off
My wife said our relationship was becoming stale and boring. I nearly dropped a stitch.
Silly WayOutWest 🥉 (459) · 02-08-2026 1948The puppeteer behind Zippy on kids' TV show Rainbow has died of cancer. Zippy himself died a lingering death from starvation, when his zipper broke off in the closed position.
Silly theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥈 🥇 (3922) · 28-07-2026 1637I went to the best ever burger van today, It was so good, it had 4 Michelin tyres.
Silly notbaldbob (1145) · 23-07-2026 1809Paddy the tenant: I've lost me feckin mailbox key Murphy the landlord: Not a problem. I'll get ye a new one 2 weeks later Paddy the tenant: Murphy still no sign of dat key Murphy the landlord: It's in the post
Silly LennysCrevasse (1546) · 21-07-2026 1009"Doctor Doctor my nose wont stop bleeding" "Did you pick it" "No I was born with it you daft twat".
Silly Joeydeaconsbastard (1200) · 13-07-2026 2104The Bayeux Tapestry is not strictly accurate historically. The whole story has been embroidered. Typically, by the winners. Some say it was a stitch-up!
Silly Allobosca (2269) · 10-07-2026 0807I went to the doctor's and told him "That medicine you gave me to make me strong... well I can't get the top of the bottle".
I hate it when there isn't any toilet paper and you have to do that stupid walk with your trousers around your ankles. Anyway, I'm nearly at the corner shop now.
Silly Stallion (1679) · 10-04-2026 0623I remember when I was at school a policeman came in and did a talk on drugs. We couldn't understand a word he was saying.
Silly garry6291 (652) · 01-04-2026 191818:54 Arrive at crime scene. 18:54 Examine body. 18:54 Search the area. 18:54 Find the murder weapon. 18:54 Realise watch has stopped.
Silly Stallion (1679) · 22-03-2026 1858Don't get one of those rescue cats. My gran had one, she fell, and the cat just literally sat there and did nothing.
Silly garry6291 (652) · 21-02-2026 1331My landlord turned up this morning, and started lecturing me about how I need to keep the place cleaner. I sent him away with a flea in his ear.
Silly theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥈 🥇 (3922) · 06-08-2026 1425I fell on a circular saw and lost the whole left side of my body. I'm alright now.
Silly Joeydeaconsbastard (1200) · 26-07-2026 1937My house was repossessed, I ended up selling my arse at Camden Lock, and a rival tramp kicked the shit out of me for rummaging through his bins. That’s the last time I forget my Tesco Clubcard.
Silly WayOutWest 🥉 (459) · 25-07-2026 1654My wife says I’m too impulsive with money. “Don’t be ridiculous.” “He’s not,” said my ex-Mossad bodyguard.
Silly WayOutWest 🥉 (459) · 25-07-2026 0553Wife: I have blisters on my hands from using the broom all day. Husband: Well next time take the car then silly
Silly Allobosca (2269) · 11-07-2026 1119