I'd never say that my sister's baby is ugly or anything... ...but let's just say I'd feel safe leaving her in a Portuguese hotel room while I went out for tapas.

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Only half of my patients who come to my clinic survive. I'm a brilliant abortionist.

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I'm a fully-qualified abortion provider. I kid you not.

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I have a terrible sexually-transmitted disease. Children.

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What's red and hangs off the back of the train? Miscarriage.

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A young mum I know posted on Facebook "My toddler crawled under the garden fence today lol. Nails and wood will be out tomorrow." xxx I thought, fucking hell, crucifixion seems a bit harsh for just doing that ......

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What's the difference between a baby and a trampoline? You take your boots off before jumping on a trampoline.

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My last relationship didn't work out, but at least I have full custody of the kids. They're still in my nutsack.

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Q: What do you get a pregnant teen for Christmas? A: A coat hanger.

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I picked to my crying soon and said "Don't worry little buddy. When you grow up you'll learn to do this on the inside."

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The wife and I have decided not to have children. The kids are taking it quite badly.

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My wife asked why our three year old son was crying. "He kicked me in the balls," I said. "He's only young, he doesn't understand that it hurts." "He fucking does now," I replied.

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My cunt of a neighbour is forever putting a knife in my sons footballs if they go in his garden. Anyway, I got my own back today, his toddler got into my garden

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I was hitchhiking and decided to show a little leg to passing vehicles. It wasn't long before a car stopped. "Where's the rest of the baby,?" asked the cop.

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A cannibal and his pregnant wife are at home when all of a sudden the wife has a miscarriage As they're mopping up afterwards, the wife says "Darling. Tell me your worst dead baby joke. It might cheer me up" "Hang on", says her husband, "There's one on the tip of my tongue"

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At the bus stop today, two pregnant women struck up a conversation. One patted her belly and said, 'Little boy!' The other patted her belly and said, 'Little girl!' They both looked at me, so I patted my belly and said, 'Beer.'

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I was hitchhiking, without much luck, and decided that I would show a little leg to passing motorists. Within minutes a car screeched to a halt. The cop jumped out and said, "Where's the rest of the fucking baby?"

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Q: How do you get 500 babies in a telephone box? A: A liquidizer. Q: How do you get them out again? A: Nachos.

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What's the definition of taking the piss? Smearing jam on an Ethiopian kid's face

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How do you make a dead baby float ? Lemonade Ice Cream and a couple of scoops of dead baby

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What's blue and makes MAGA angry? An abortion

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A woman passes out after giving birth... She eventually comes around, and a doctor is standing over her... He says "I have some good news and some bad news" The woman replies, "Oh no, what's the bad news" Dr: "Your son is ginger" Woman:"What's the good news" Dr: "He's dead anyway"

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What’s the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Ferrari? I don’t have a Ferrari in my garage.

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Australia boasts the world's largest children's play zone. Called the PlayCentre, it's just after Perth.

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