I don't know what's worse, me getting caught fucking my daughter, or the abortion clinic letting me bring her home in the first place.
Babies Stickyagain (2066) · 24-07-2026 1943My mates call me "polythene bag" I said "is that because I'm thin and flimsy?" They said "no, it's because you should be kept away from children"
Babies Stickyagain (2066) · 22-07-2026 0933You can't fool an aborted foetus. It wasn't born yesterday.
Babies innit 🥉 🥉 (939) · 23-07-2026 0402I just tried to explain to my 4-year-old grandson that it's perfectly normal to accidentally shit your pants, but he's still making fun of me.
Babies garry6291 (641) · 06-07-2026 0817My wife asked me to rock our baby to sleep. All I've managed to determine so far is that he's not a big Slayer fan.
Babies › Sleep Deprivation Sleep Deprivation theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 (3362) · 30-08-2026 2049I'd never say that my sister's baby is ugly or anything... ...but let's just say I'd feel safe leaving her in a Portuguese hotel room while I went out for tapas.
Babies Hengist (858) · 07-06-2026 1740Russell Howard will host a Stand-Up Gala at The O2, in support of families affected by premature birth, stillbirth and neonatal death. He's going to need some pretty sick material for that. Gentlemen, I sense a challenge.
Babies › Sudden Infant Death Sudden Infant Death scotty (547) · 09-09-2026 1853An abortion goes into a pub. "Plain tonic please mate, I've already had the gin."
Babies › Abortion Punchline Abortion Punchline scotty (547) · 08-09-2026 1753When my wife was giving birth, screaming in agony she turned to me and yelled "You did this to me!" I looked her in the eye and said calmly "If you remember darling, I wanted to fuck you in the ass but you said it would hurt too much."
I was scrolling through some disgusting child abuse videos on the dark web and I thought "this is great, no ads"
Babies Stickyagain (2066) · 05-08-2026 1054Only half of my patients who come to my clinic survive. I'm a brilliant abortionist.
Babies Stallion (1608) · 23-05-2026 1503I'm a fully-qualified abortion provider. I kid you not.
Babies theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 (3362) · 21-06-2026 2005What’s a new born baby’s least favourite song? ‘Letby entertain you’.
Babies Cockwomble (156) · 15-09-2026 1548Russell Howard will host a Stand-Up Gala at The O2 in support of families affected by premature birth, stillbirth and neonatal death Surely only the addition of Rosie Jones could make this more miserable
A young lad comes downstairs one morning to see his mum breast feeding his baby brother. "what are you doing mum?" he asked. "I'm giving your brother his breakfast" she said The kid said "fuck off, he'll never eat all that"
Babies Stickyagain (2066) · 31-07-2026 1159My wife has just given birth to a baby boy... 10 pounds. Or nearest offer. I need the money for drugs.
Babies notbaldbob (1145) · 22-07-2026 1643So much has changed since my girlfriend told me we’re having a baby. For instance my name, address and telephone number!
Babies notbaldbob (1145) · 10-07-2026 1046I have a terrible sexually-transmitted disease. Children.
Babies theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 (3362) · 11-06-2026 0618I was a crack baby. Unlike my brother, who was a Caesarean section.
Babies theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 (3362) · 19-08-2026 0708What's red and hangs off the back of the train? Miscarriage.
Babies Allobosca 🥈 (2268) · 14-05-2026 2049A young mum I know posted on Facebook "My toddler crawled under the garden fence today lol. Nails and wood will be out tomorrow." xxx I thought, fucking hell, crucifixion seems a bit harsh for just doing that ......
Babies Kimjongreject (287) · 22-01-2026 1523What's the difference between a baby and a trampoline? You take your boots off before jumping on a trampoline.
Babies supergalley 🥇 (2032) · 07-01-2026 1933The best way to calm children down is to go to McDonald's. If your baby is crying, give it a shake.
Babies › Shaken Baby Joke Shaken Baby Joke ianwatkins 🥈 🥉 (2117) · 27-08-2026 1851I can't stop looking at young kids on the beach in swimming trunks. I think I might be a speedophile.
Babies Stickyagain (2066) · 09-07-2026 1929My last relationship didn't work out, but at least I have full custody of the kids. They're still in my nutsack.
Babies theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 (3362) · 07-06-2026 1955The wife and I have decided not to have children. The kids are taking it quite badly.
Babies Stallion (1608) · 30-03-2026 1442Q: What do you get a pregnant teen for Christmas? A: A coat hanger.
Babies Phil (113) · 02-12-2025 1243I picked to my crying soon and said "Don't worry little buddy. When you grow up you'll learn to do this on the inside."
Babies innit 🥉 🥉 (939) · 30-05-2026 0818My wife asked why our three year old son was crying. "He kicked me in the balls," I said. "He's only young, he doesn't understand that it hurts." "He fucking does now," I replied.
Babies Stallion (1608) · 20-02-2026 1508My cunt of a neighbour is forever putting a knife in my sons footballs if they go in his garden. Anyway, I got my own back today, his toddler got into my garden
Babies Kimjongreject (287) · 22-01-2026 1525I was hitchhiking and decided to show a little leg to passing vehicles. It wasn't long before a car stopped. "Where's the rest of the baby,?" asked the cop.
Babies Stallion (1608) · 23-12-2025 1536What time is it when the baby starts hissing? Time to take it out of the oven.
Babies Allobosca 🥈 (2268) · 11-07-2026 0816A cannibal and his pregnant wife are at home when all of a sudden the wife has a miscarriage As they're mopping up afterwards, the wife says "Darling. Tell me your worst dead baby joke. It might cheer me up" "Hang on", says her husband, "There's one on the tip of my tongue"
Babies LennysCrevasse (1333) · 29-05-2026 1008At the bus stop today, two pregnant women struck up a conversation. One patted her belly and said, 'Little boy!' The other patted her belly and said, 'Little girl!' They both looked at me, so I patted my belly and said, 'Beer.'
Babies theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 (3362) · 19-04-2026 1922What's the worst thing about running out of coat hangers? Having to get a doctor to do it
Babies › Abortion Punchline Abortion Punchline LennysCrevasse (1333) · 12-09-2026 1559There were 3 pregnant women in a maternity ward... Each of them was knitting babygrow's for their future children. The 1st one says 'I hope I have a boy, cos I've only got blue wool left' The 2nd replies, 'Well, I hope I have a girl; I've only got pink wool left'. The 3rd one chips in with, 'I hope to god I have a spastic, cos I've really fucked this pattern up'.
Babies Allobosca 🥈 (2268) · 02-07-2026 0949Q: How do you get 500 babies in a telephone box? A: A liquidizer. Q: How do you get them out again? A: Nachos.
Babies Allobosca 🥈 (2268) · 16-06-2026 2130What's the definition of taking the piss? Smearing jam on an Ethiopian kid's face
Babies LennysCrevasse (1333) · 22-05-2026 1549How do you make a dead baby float ? Lemonade Ice Cream and a couple of scoops of dead baby
Babies Allobosca 🥈 (2268) · 31-03-2026 1929A woman passes out after giving birth... She eventually comes around, and a doctor is standing over her... He says "I have some good news and some bad news" The woman replies, "Oh no, what's the bad news" Dr: "Your son is ginger" Woman:"What's the good news" Dr: "He's dead anyway"
Babies Allobosca 🥈 (2268) · 14-04-2026 1736What’s the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Ferrari? I don’t have a Ferrari in my garage.
Babies supergalley 🥇 (2032) · 02-12-2025 2343Australia boasts the world's largest children's play zone. Called the PlayCentre, it's just after Perth.
Babies scotty (547) · 04-06-2026 1128