What's the the best thing about shagging a fat bird? You're guaranteed a cracking breakfast in the morning.

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It’s kind of silly we’re trying turning plants into burgers Haven’t cows been doing that for like, forever?

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I came home and my wife was sat there with loads of famous rappers. Twix, Snickers, Mars, Kit Kat, Curly Wurly...

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I'm not saying my niece is fat, but she's started to get a tan off the little lamp in the 'fridge!

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Just had a sage and onion enema. I got to be honest, It's knocked the stuffing out of me.

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A very ugly woman walks into a shop with her two sons. A man asks her: "Are they twins?" Puzzled, the woman replies: "No. One is 3 years old, and the other is 10. Why do you ask?" The man replies: "No particular reason, I just can't believe someone fucked you twice!"

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I said to my wife "how did you get so fat?" She said "well, when we were first married, I'd look at what was in the fridge then go straight to bed. Now I look at what's in the bed and go straight to the fridge"

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I just saw a Gemma Collins lookalike contest. Turns out it was just the queue outside Weight Watchers.

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This child obesity crisis isn't all bad. At last, 10 year olds with decent size tits.

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What's the difference between Gemma Collins and Dot Cotton? Dot can only manage 100 specials a day

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When I first met my wife she had a tattoo on her inner thigh that said "Heaven this way" Now it says "Heavy"

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I'm the best Elvis impersonator for miles around. I can't sing a note, but I had twelve cheeseburgers for breakfast.

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Did you know black men's semen contains more calories than white men? I have no scientific proof I'm just assuming based on the fat cocksucking whores they are always with.

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We went to the local Bulimic Awareness Realization Foundation meeting yesterday...or barf for short. You can bring up anything you want.

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I'm not saying your wife is fat and ugly, but when she stripped off at the nudest beach, the tide went out and didn't come back.

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Influencer (whatever the fuck that means) Klaudiaglam, dies 6 days after being run over by former X Factor finalist in London nightclub rammy. I'm surprised she was so badly injured. Her humungous arse should've been able to absorb any degree of impact.

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I'm proud to say I've never been to bed with an ugly bird. I've woken up with a few though.

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If the entire word “Bootylicious” can easily be read across your arse. It’s probably not actually bootylicious.

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I've just seen Gemma Collins sing That's that then

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No no Gemma... Apollo Creed is not a pasta dish

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