A woman walks into a pharmacy. "I have a headache," she says. "Do you have anything to cure a headache?" "Paracetamol," says the pharmacist. "And I have a sore throat," the woman says. "Do you have anything to cure a sore throat?" "Paracetamol," says the pharmacist. "And I just feel so unhappy all the time," she says. "Do you have anything that cures depression?" "Paracetamol," says the pharmacist. "Paracetamol cures depression?" the woman asks. "If you take enough of it, it does."

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Someone asked me if I've ever tried to commit suicide. I replied "Loads of times but has you can see I'm not very good at it".

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Did you know that before they were famous, the members of Blondie all worked at the suicide hotline? They weren't very good. They left me hanging on the telephone. (Yes, yes, fine. I'll fuck off)

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Given a recent increase in rail suicides the government has announced that network staff are to be adequately equipped to deal with suicidal persons on the tracks. A mop and extra-large bucket has been issued to every train station in the UK.

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NHS announces "Feeling like dying but not really suicidal" new baseline for normal mental health.

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What's the similarity between standing on the edge of a cliff and having an old woman suck you off. You don't want to look down.

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My 91 year old mother phoned me up to say she had had enough of living and asked me the best way to end her life. I told her to hold a gun under her left breast and pull the trigger. Later that evening I was informed that she had been rushed to hospital after blowing her left kneecap off.

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My belt broke so I went to the shop to buy a new one. "I hope your trousers didn't fall down" said the shop assistant. "No, I did." I replied. (can we get a suicide category?)

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