Loving the tributes to "King Kev" Keegan at St James' Park today. That's what I like to see, KKK flags everywhere.

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If Tottenham Hotspur are a predominantly Jewish club, why is their club badge a homage to Hitler? A cock and one ball

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Steve Clarke QUITS as Scotland manager - just half an hour after their World Cup exit is confirmed. They were about to print 'A lettuce would last longer', but realised the Scots would not understand.

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My grandson came home blubbing because some kid hit him at school, so I decided to sit him down for a talk. 'Now, lad, pull yourself together. I didn't break down crying when me and my squad were fighting the Germans in the streets of Europe, you know.' 'When was that, Grandpa?' 'Italia '90, Turin.'

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Top Ugandan footballer killed by teen muggers armed with paving stones. 'On me 'ead, son!'

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What's red and keeps a cunt warm? A Liverpool scarf.

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Argentina have said that if England beat them in the World Cup, they will remove all the keys from every tin of corn beef in retaliation.

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Liverpool have signed two players who will fit in with their philosophy. Nickamoto and Robatelly Old one so Feel free to claim it

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The evolution of the backbone is fascinating: Fish - 500 million years ago Reptiles - 250 million years ago Mammals - 100 million years ago UEFA - Yesterday

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Think I heard Keegan has signed up for Bury. Might have been Burnley, if he's being cremated.

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What do you call an Argentinian soldier on his knees sucking British army cock for a slice of rancid bread whilst listening to The Human League ? Lionel Messi's Dad

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Germany's squad landed in Berlin today and received an ear-splitting reception from thousands of fans throwing feaces in their general direction Captain Joshua Kimmich appeared before the press immediately after stating, "I'm confused - we didn't win"

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In the news: Israel withdraws support for embattled Fifa president Infantino. When even the devil thinks your a cunt, you know you're in trouble.

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Trump denies any knowledge of Gianni Infantino's plot to sell the World Cup. His arse must get jealous of all the shit that comes out of his mouth

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How do you turn Harry Kane into a defensive midfielder? Pick him for England.

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Pubs in Britain will be allowed to stay open until 5am for the Mexico v England game. Pubs in Scotland are already stocking up on Tequila!

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The Pride match is taking place tonight in the World Cup. I'm sure the winning team will come from behind!

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Manchester United played the first leg of their European match against Sabah of Azerbaijan... For those who've never heard of it, it's a small club in England just outside Bolton...

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Charlton Athletic's ground will now be known as The Valley of Death

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Jeff Bezos looks to buy a stake in Liverpool Good luck with that. He'll do well to find a packet of mince

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Jeff Bezos looks to purchase a stake in Liverpool FC. If the deal goes ahead any players signed will be left behind a bin at the back of the training ground.

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Gianni Infantino REFUSES to resign as FIFA president. So it's 0 - 0 and we're off to a penalty shootout.

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Breaking News. World Cup final result immediately overturned by Donald Trump.

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FIFA caves to Donald Trump after the president calls for the suspension of a red-carded USA World Cup star to be lifted. We have asked for comment from the FIFA boss (Gianni Infantino), who is currently residing in the Penthouse of Trump Tower.

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I was planning to watch a Glasgow derby from the lower leagues at midday today, being a fan of grassroots football. Trouble is it clashes with the big Midlands derby from the professional leagues, Wolves v West Brom.

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Chelsea are going to get some stick from the crowd this season. They'll be handing them to the players on their way to the pitch.

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Thomas Tuchel says England were lucky to get this far. His entire senior playing career was 77 appearances and three goals, mostly in Germany’s third tier. Then he somehow ended up managing Chelsea, Bayern Munich and England. He doesn’t object to luck. He just hates seeing other people benefit from it.

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Scottish hordes drink Boston dry, and thousands of pints of beer are trucked in. They are using the trucks that usually bring in the fruit and vegetables.

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Swansea City have just confirmed their new captain for next season: Ben Car-Ban-Go.

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Joan of Arc was a French teenager who battered the opposition for years. Lamine Yamal only took 90 minutes

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England's equaliser against Norway has sparked controversy because the ball hit a camera cable in the build-up. The cable of God.

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Thomas Tuchel has asked that parents allow their children to stay up late for England v Mexico. "I'd like them to see my last game in charge," he explained.

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No great surprise in the gay pride World Cup match. It finished level pegging!

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I was watching the football and noticed that there's far too many whites on the pitch. We need to protest against whites stealing all the black people's jobs. It's disgusting. Whites shouldn't be televised. What is apartheid even for?

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Brazil tried to stop Haaland with samba football. Should’ve tried a moat.

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Terrys chocolate orange vs Norway

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Tottenham

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