Princess Diana melted in my arms as I sucked her tits and fingered her. Anyway, I'm now banned from Madame Toussauds.

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What do vegetarian worms eat? Linda McCartney.

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Robbie Williams says "fame should come with a health warning". I think he means an expiration date.

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What do you call a dog with wings? Linda McCartney

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Why doesn't Michael Barrymore have any ashtrays? Because he puts his fags out in the pool

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I asked Emily Blunt out on a date. She said "No, fuck off you ugly cunt."

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So i've decked the halls as the song suggested. Though Mr & Mrs Hall don't share my joy.

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The Not Mills Breakfast Show

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Tiger Woods has crashed and rolled a car over for the second time. He just needs to die in the 3rd crash so he doesn't break par.

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How can you tell its bedtime at Michael Jackson's house? The big hand reaches the little hand.

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Does this now mean Ian Huntley is no longer British and has become a Pole?

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Paul Hardcastle's son has died in a motorcycle accident. He was n-n-n-n-n-n-not very old, 35 in fact.

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Fool if you think it's over... It is now!

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The Duchess of Cambridge has been keen to show off her piano skills this Christmas. Much like when the Queen played at Diana's funeral.

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BBC News: King Charles welcomes German president on state visit. He said "Didn't you guys used to have kings too? Oh, now I remember. This chemo really messes with my memory."

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Did you hear about Michael Jackson's latest holiday destination? He's going to Tampa with the kids

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My cousin has been working as a groundsman at a massive country estate in Hampshire. The owner was away at his French chateau, so I got an invite to visit, it was fantastic! I drank vintage Dom Pérignon in the jacuzzi. Shot some ducks. Drove a combine harvester. I even got to have a ride on the old grey Fergie. Gosh, she's really let herself go since being kicked out of Royal Lodge!!

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Fucked Norris

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Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor walks into a bar. In his cell. With his head pushed up against it as he gets anally fisted by his cell mate.

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What's orange & yellow and would look good on James Corden? . . . . . . . . . . Flames!

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I'm gobsmacked by the latest release of the Epstein files. Wow, wasn't Sarah Ferguson lucky that Jeffrey didn't reciprocate her invitation to marry her. Otherwise, she would have been married to a great nonce.

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A poem for Burns' night: There's a certain host of Loose Women Whom I would like to take swimming When she's all nice and clean I'll tickle her bean and give her one hell of a rimming.

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Jesy Nelson told her twin babies may 'never walk'. Little Crips?

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William H. Macy is a great actor. Like in Fargo he really had me convinced he was a pathetic swindler.

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When it comes to Christmas cookery shows Delia Smith pisses all over Nigella Lawson. Thanks, AI porn generator.

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What is the difference between Neighbours and Prince Charles? Neighbours had Mrs Mangel, Prince Charles has a mangled Mrs!

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Princess Diana be doing if she was alive today? Scratching on the lid of her coffin

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What's worse than having Michael Jackson looking after your kids? Ian Huntly giving them a bath.!

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Why does Michael Jackson put cheese on his penis? Because kids'll do anything for Dairylea

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Breaking News - Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor has decided to undergo gender reassignment as his sentence will be in an all female prison. Unfortunately, under the new name Andrea Mountsanything-HMPStirling, she doesn't realise that she will be sharing a cell with Fergie Slag-Bag.

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"Taylor Swift reveals moment she broke down over Southport attack in new documentary." Oh that poor millionaire. Dry your eyes with some $100 notes etc.

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Chuck Norris stood before God for judgement. God rose from the Throne Of Grace and said, "I've been keeping it warm for you Boss!" R.I.P. Chuck!

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Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his Dad.

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Gone Virgo.

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I’m not saying Katie Price is a slapper, but she only wears knickers to keep her ankles warm

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