I went to the barbers and said "I want my hair cut like Tom Cruise" so he sat me on a big cushion

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People used to say that I was like Bill Oddie. I would often hide in bushes to spy on birds.

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Harry and Meghan sailed around a remote island during a secret trip to Scotland. But not quite secret enough to avoid publicity photos.

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Congratulations to Amy Winehouse. Fifteen years sober today.

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If I could go back in time I'd kill Hitler. Right after I raped Marilyn Monroe.

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Simon Cowell really puts the turd in Saturday.

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You've got to hand it to Tom Cruise... Otherwise he'd never be able to reach it in the first place

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Two vultures are eating Bill Oddie. On says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

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"Is that a metal pole in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?" - Anne Widdecombe, 2026

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"Short back and sides," said Tom Cruise. "Indeed," replied the barber. "How do you want your hair cut?"

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I recently bought a car on ebay that used to be owned by Bonnie Tyler. It's terrible. Every now and then it falls apart.

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I bought a Bonnie Tyler Sat Nav for my car. It is awful. It just keeps telling me to turn around.

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Where's Michael Jackson going on his Holidays this year? To Tampa with the kids.

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King Charles will offer Prince Harry a room at Buckingham Palace when he returns to the UK. He will have to 'top and tail' with Camilla, though.

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Katie Price gets another boob job. She's as appetising as the spital from a saxophone.

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Meghan shares her joy over a surprise Emmy nomination for her axed Netflix lifestyle show by showing off her red knees.

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Some alternative facts about the beetles. Love me do was John's tribute to his new haircut Ringo Starr isn't his real name. He used the pseudonym to hide his birth name. Ringo below average drummer. Yoko Onos real name was Yoko Mashida. She got the name at every recording session she turned up at the lads said Yoko O no Norwegian wood was used for Johns coffin Money cant buy me love. Paul was right. Cost him a load of money. After their first night together Paul exclaimed Fuck I've shagged a pirate. John famously said Imagine No possessions. While owning several houses cars and other goods. Paul famously had a real eye for security. His main residence was known as Paulditz. George Harrisons was called the front doors open and the knifes in the draw Paul named his daughter after two of his favourite things. Stella and veggie burgers Worms favourite food is Linda McCartney Yoko one is not Japanese for one egg Her name is also not the Japanese version of the game Marco Polo Paul foresaw the death of John. Hence he trolled him with when I'm 64 Paul refused to let Donald Trump use Get Back in his presidential run. Feel free to add more

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Besides doing his own stunts, Tom Cruise has a pilot's licence and regularly flies his own helicopters. He's always going up and down on choppers.

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Say what you like about Katie Price but she always uses a condom. ...and those horse condoms don't come cheap!

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Just arrived home and found a beautiful woman grouting the bathroom wall and singing "It's a heartache, nothing but a heartache..." I thought to myself. she's a Bonnie Tyler.

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I bumped into Bonnie Tyler in town. I said, "Shall we go for a coffee?" She said, "Yes, sounds good!" I asked, "Starbucks?" She said, "No." I asked, "Costa? "She said, "No." I think she was holding out for a Nero!

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What did the lady say to Michael Jackson at the beach? Excuse me, you're in my son!

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Sam Neill has gone the way of the dinosaurs.

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Why is Michael Jackson always late for work? Because he always likes to come in a little behind.

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What would Martin Luther King be if he was white? Alive.

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The police are looking for a white male following the murder of Ann Widdecombe. Anton Du Beke is said to have left the country.

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Arthur Fery, the Frenchman, is out of Wimbledon.

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It wasn't 'nothing but a heartache' then?

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Why did Delta Goodrem perform at the Commonwealth Games closing ceremony? Because the estimate for Susan Boyle's makeup was outrageous.

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Bill Oddie dead. That's sad isn'tit

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When Ann Widdecombe was killed, her radio was playing the Beatles, Maxwells Silver Hammer Coincidence or what

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Well things went a bit Messi for England last night

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President Macron has just declared that if Arthur Ferry wins Wimbledon, France will have a Bank Holiday.

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I was working in a takeaway years ago when a guy came in who looked exactly like Mike Tyson, face tattoo and everything. I was thinking I should ask for his autograph but when he placed his order I realised it wasn't him. He didn't ask for ears on his pizza.

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The band Oasis have decided to go into the food business, they are starting with a range of canned soups, best of all you got a roll with it.

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Sam Neill has died aged 78. His family said the loss was sudden and unexpected. Death, uh… finds a way.

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One for aging folk-rockers only. Sound like a Widdicombe Fair mash-up with John 'Babbacombe' Lee.

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Gonnie Tyler. Rip.

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Leaving all these jokes about Tom Cruise aside... What the fuck was he doing playing in goal for England last night?

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Dirtnap Murnaghan

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There's always light at the end of the tunnel. Unless you're Princess Diana

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What's Michael Jackson favourite song? I'm forever blowing bubbles...

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