Q. What's better than winning a world cup? A. Winning a war Fuck you Argentina

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Don't you hate when you've got a whistle in your nose. I know the ref who sent me off does.

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I'm just watching the Tour de France. I don't know why they bother, the bloke at the front on the motorbike wins every year.

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Been watching Portugal playing Congo, and I'm sorely disappointed. Didn't see a single one of them drinking UmBongo.

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I'm so glad the world cup is on. I can hang my England flag without being accused of being a fucking racist.

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Madeleine McCann's younger brother, 21, is to swim for Scotland at the Commonwealth Games. His parents will not be attending as they have a dinner engagement.

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Looking forward to the world cup. Ethiopia against Hungary should be a good game.

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At least we still have the Falklands.

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Have just won a ticket for the world cup final but I'm getting married on that day so does anyone what to take my place. The venue is st Bede's church, Widnes and the bride is Lucy

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Have you noticed how many F1 drivers have names linked to Scottish towns? Stirling Moss, Lewis Hamilton, Eddie Irvine... Ayr Town Centre...

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Japan and Germany eliminated on the same day Last time this happened was 1945

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Serena Williams stuns fans with dramatic return to Wimbledon singles at 44 years old. Assuming men's singles.

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Scotland beats Haiti 1 - 0 in the World Cup. It was like a snake eating a rat, I didn't know who to go for.

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What do the English do immediately after winning the FIFA World Cup? Turn off the Playstation.

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Joanna Wietrzyk is obviously dedicated to her sport. The rest of the contestants didn't give a shit.

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I've always though the Olympics would be a lot more interesting if, in every event, they also fielded one randomly-selected member of the general public for comparison purposes.

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If Amazon buy into Liverpool football club…there free kicks should improve…they are pretty good at launching stuff over the wall

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Serena Williams confirms doubles date with sister Venus at the upcoming Cincinnati Open. They are the top seed in the mixed doubles.

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Referee Anthony Taylor has retired. Don't bother read his book....it's just full of footballers names.

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"It was very poignant last night. We played against a country with awful humanitarian conditions; barely any access to fresh drinking water. The population could succumb to disease or violence at any moment. Families live in slums. Law & order is non-existent. We are moved" That was a statement from the Haiti squad after playing Scotland yesterday

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England's boots and the team's training equipment were stolen in transit from Florida to Kansas. What a break. A gifted excuse.

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Pest Ham.

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There's 26 players in the world cup squads. Argentina Algeria and Austria all face Jordan. My money is on old Katie. 78 men are nowhere near enough.

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Gary Lineker just phoned Paula Radcliffe. Joanna Wietrzyk wants to join their support group.

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The French team got stuck in tonight. Most of them were black and bleue

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Scotland is now going to play Iceland. If they win, they're then going to play Tesco and Aldi.

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John McGuinness kissed his helmet prior to setting out on his 30th anniversary TT superbike race. Fair play to the man - still good at tight bends at 54.

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Tiger Woods handed five-year driving ban following DUI plea. This could be interesting. What's his handicap using only a putter?

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BBC: Ryu leads Open in pursuit of third straight major Ken has demanded a rematch.

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King Charles and Queen Camilla arrive at the Commonwealth Games in a TARDIS. Not the first time Charles has entered something that was a lot bigger inside than it appeared.

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John Terry says ELEVEN members of England's World Cup squad are not good enough to win. Adding, if they do win, I want to be in the photograph.

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I hope Nigeria have to play Germany during the world cup. The score thing in the corner will be interesting

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The wife's just thrown 5 cricket balls at me. I said one more and it's over.

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Did you know that Raheem Sterling and Marcus Rashford both had the same nickname at school? Nigger.

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I have always maintained a very high level of health and fitness to participate in various competitive sports. Without a doubt,the greatest achievement in my career so far is to come first and third in the British Mens Masturbation Championship.

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Just watching the England game, I was mistakenly cheering on Panama as they were playing in white, then I realised they had too many white players.

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"Hello is that the Swiss embassy? Please can you put me through to the Funny As Fuck department?"

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Great opening game in the World Cup, South Africa 2 Mexico 1. But the Mexicans win on goals scored.

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I've just been done for speeding at 32mph in a 30 zone. I expected three points on my licence, but the EFL got involved and I now face the death penalty.

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Port Vale's pitch was that bad today, they beat Sunderland 1-0 on aggregate

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A chap said..." Do you want the winner of the Grand National "? I said "No thanks,I've only got a small garden "!

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Little Jimmy who was wheelchair bound fell out when he tried to get over a kerb. Just to his left he saw a lamp on the floor so of course he rubs it, and yes, out pops a genie. "OK, son, " said the genie, "you know the drill you get three wishes." "Wow said Jimmy, I wish I could walk. " Poof, Jimmy can walk. "I wish I played for a famous football club. " Poof.. Jimmy was grown up and in the dressing room at Anfeild where Arne Slot was giving a team talk. "Fucks sake, " said Jimmy, "I wish I was back in my wheelchair. "

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Just got myself a second hand diver's watch. I'd have had the drowned cunt's scuba tanks too if they weren't so heavy.

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I'm not saying football is becoming Americanised. But before taking corners now, they shout 15-26-52-73!!!!!!!

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Scottish bakery company announces free sausage rolls for every Scotland victory in World Cup. Great way to score some free publicity there.

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In an effort to get today's result overturned, Middlesbrough have lodged an official complaint against Hull City. A spokesman said "those crisps in the Hull canteen were clearly marked 'Part of a multipack, not to be sold separately.' "

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Turns out Southampton aren't exactly saints after all

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A man goes into an antique shop in the city of london and spots this statue of a cat. He asks the owner "How much for the cat?" "£100" he replies. "Sold" says the man, pays his money and walks out the shop with the cat. As he walks down the street he notices a cat that was hanging around outside the shop starts following him but thinks nothing of it. As he passes an alley a few doors down two more cats come out and begin to follow. By the time he's reached the corner there is a pack of 10 cats on his tail and he is getting a little nervous so he starts running. As he runs down the hill more and more cats join the chase and at this point he is running for his life when he notices the Thames is at the end of the street. He runs up to the barrier by the side of river and leaps up grabbing hold of a lamp post. The pack of cats leaps up and all go flying into the river where they all drown. Out of breath and in shock the man clambers down from the lamppost and makes his way back to the shop in a daze. The shopkeeper looks at him knowingly and says "I suppose you want your money back?" To which he replies, "No, but how much for that statue of the Arsenal fan in the corner?"

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Atletico Madrid have lodged a complaint with Uefa, after Arsenal fans let fireworks off all night outside their hotel Police have released the names of 2 suspects. Ronan Candle and Catherine Wheel

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I love watching snooker on the telly. My highest break is 131. Red-Green-Red.

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