As I answered the front door dressed in high heals, stockings & suspenders, leather mini skirt and bright red lipstick, the Avon lady asked "Hello Sir, is your wife at home"?. To which I replied "Take a wild guess love!"

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All this rain on the same weekend as Manchester Pride. It's as if God hates gay people.

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Did you know your blood group can actually change during your life? I gave blood for the first time years ago, and afterwards I got a letter telling me my blood group was O Positive. I gave blood again recently, and this morning I got a letter telling me my blood group is now HIV Positive. How cool is that?

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Scientists say that swallowing semen after oral sex can help women lose weight. I agree. Women who swallow mine tend to lose a great deal of weight about 9 or 10 years down the line.

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Showbiz news: Boy George pulls out of Jesus Christ Superstar. You'd think someone of his age and persuasion would have the good sense to rubber up.

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My ex girlfriend from a while back managed to contact me and said "Joey I've got AIDS". I replied "yes..I know".

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There's this bloke Gerry who drinks in my local who's a rabid homophobe - you know the sort, always pointing the finger at others, banging on and on about how all the queers should be shot and all that macho crap. I found out he was off to a football game yesterday, so while he was away from home I gave his missus a call. Gerry's missus: 'Hello?' Me (best Julian Clary voice): 'Hi, who's this? I was looking for Gerry...' 'This is his wife, can I take a message?' 'Wife? Ooooohhh, he is a dark horse, isn't he? Well, honey, I'm afraid you'd better get yourself a blood test pronto...'

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My gay brother has lost six stone since he had the weight-loss jab. Well, I say 'weight-loss jab', he contracted AIDS.

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I once knew a guy who died from mercury poisoning. He got AIDS from the lead singer of Queen.

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What turns a fruit into a vegetable? AIDS.

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Groundbreaking new HIV treatment requires only a single injection annually. Whereas catching HIV in the first place requires only a single injection anally.

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Liquid Mercury is really bad for your health. As a lot of gays found out in the 80s.

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I caught AIDS off Freddie Mercury When he told me he was sick, I screamed "Bugger me!!"

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Which cheese is the most harmful to your health? Freddie Mercury's.

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What did Colonel Gaddafi and Freddie Mercury have in common? They both died after some blokes entered their sewage pipe.

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I was in a restaurant and knocked a spoon on the floor. A passing customer picked it up for me, "Hello, " he said, "I'm Uri Gellar, the famous spoon bender. " "Spoons? " I replied, "can you not just shove cocks up your arse like normal benders?"

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"I'm going slightly mad...." "Fraid not pal - the tests conclude you have AIDS"

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My thermometer exploded and I got a load of mercury all over my face I now know how it was like to have been a homosexual midget in the 1980s

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Adult film actress Bonnie Blue to be deported from Bali. And that, children, is how the ultra plague began and that is why we will all have to live underground for the next 6 generations.

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We keep warning faggots about AIDS but they just refuse to pay attention. It's in one rear and out the other.

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I’ve just found out my obese black neighbour has been struck down with the big gay plague.. All that partyin’ and bullshit has given Christopher the Notorious H.I.V

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What do you call a queer in a wheelchair? Roll aids.

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