There's this bloke Gerry who drinks in my local who's a rabid homophobe - you know the sort, always pointing the finger at others, banging on and on about how all the queers should be shot and all that macho crap. I found out he was off to a football game yesterday, so while he was away from home I gave his missus a call. Gerry's missus: 'Hello?' Me (best Julian Clary voice): 'Hi, who's this? I was looking for Gerry...' 'This is his wife, can I take a message?' 'Wife? Ooooohhh, he is a dark horse, isn't he? Well, honey, I'm afraid you'd better get yourself a blood test pronto...'