You know it was a good Christmas party when your P45 arrives at your house before you do.

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At this time of year, spare a thought for those who struggle to put food on the table. Midgets?

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To all those who received a book off me for Christmas: they're due back at the library on the 2nd of January.

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Well that's all the Christmas presents put in their correct place. Ebay.

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What's red and white and flies through the air on Christmas Eve? Depressed American people's brains.

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Where's the place that little people create Christmas toys for all the good girls and boys? China.

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Old, but gold. A man and his wife are invited to a fancy dress Christmas party. 🌲 But the wife has a headache and declines. So the man dons his reindeer 🦌 costume, and heads off to the party. About 2 hours later, the wife's headache clears. So she decides to go to the party. She puts on her ☃️ snowman costume and goes to the party. She sees her husband, drunk off his ass, and dancing with 2 young ladies. So she decides to play a trick on him, and tempt him. Now, he has no idea it's his wife behind the snowman costume. But she manages to lure him into a bedroom where they have a wild time. However, she is irate at her husband's infidelity. Afterwards, she returns home, removes her costume and climbs into bed. Around midnight the husband comes home. Wife: did you have a nice time? Husband: it was ok. Wife: are you sure you didn't have a NICE time? Husband: I told you, it was ok. When I got there, I suddenly wasn't in the mood to party as you weren't there. So I went into the garden with Bill and Steve to play poker. Wife: Really? Husband: Yeah. Oh by the way, I lent my reindeer costume to your dad. He told me as I was leaving he'd had a blast.

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The council told me to take my 12-foot high inflatable light-up animatronic Rudolf out of the garden. I said "Be reasonable, he tried to negotiate peace in 1941."

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I can't be arsed taking down all the Christmas decorations so I'm thinking of converting my house into a Chinese restaurant.

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Over Christmas I've been waking up at 7pm, wanking 8 times a day, eating cold beans straight from the can and washing them down with Aldi vodka. So no change there.

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I just found out my elderly neighbour in her 90s was on their own yesterday, so I went over to borrow her spare chairs.

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It wouldn't be Christmas without M&S. No, it would be Chrita.

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Now that all the Christmas presents are unwrapped it's time for the next tradition of the day: Putting them on eBay.

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Went to the Christmas party with an ugly sweater. aka my girlfriend.

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