chatting to a young girl in the pub last night i said to her " so what do they call you then?"....she replied " vivaldi", so i said " is that after the great composer?".... she said, " no, its because my name is viv and i work at Aldi"...

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I go to the gym most evenings. I don't do any exercise, but after watching the young lasses working out in their Lycra and Spandex, I like to go home for a nice protein shake.

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The news says that teen depression is at an all time high. You fucking miserable bastards, you can get free anal porn on your phone! When I was your age I had to wank off to Challenge Anneka.

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The band Massive Attack re-released their 1998 album Mezzanine in 2018, in a spray-paint format with the music digitised and encoded into DNA contained in the paint. Sounds like a pioneering move, but I painted my sister's Beyonce album sleeve with some DNA years before that.

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A guy goes to the Doctor worried that his dick has turned bright orange. Over a period of several weeks and all sorts of tests the Doctor fails to diagnose the condition. “This is really baffling”, said the Doctor. Let’s start at the beginning again”. “For instance - from when you get up in the morning what do you do all day?” “Not a lot really,” said the guy. “Generally I just watch porn and eat Wotsits"

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I enjoy masturbating twice a day. The other three times are a bit of a chore.

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What do you call a Korean who masturbates into his own footwear? Hwan Kin-sok

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What's the difference between an egg and a wank? I don't have a couple of eggs every morning.

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My bird said she doesn't finger herself when she's on her period. Today I caught her red-handed.

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I had to see my GP yesterday with dizzy spells, he has told me that I need to masturbate more often. Well, what he actually said was "Mr Goch, you may have a stroke any time!"

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Glad to see Kylie enjoying her number 1 at Christmas, and I'll enjoy a number 3 while thinking about that. Also, not the first time George Michael was in the number 2 slot.

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Pfizer Industries, (manufacturer of Viagra), postulated a question to the world of academia; 'What is the function of the glans as evolved in Homo Sapien?' (the knobbly bit at the end of the penis). They offered a $5M bursary to any institution that could adequately explain the mystery. Professor Torhild Skarsgård and her research team at the University of Oslo spent 4 million Krone on a 6 month long research project that concluded the glans had almost certainly evolved to enhance the female's coital experience and increase the chances of impregnation. Professor Sir Arthur Hebblethwaite and his research team at the University of Oxford spent £700,000.00 on a 9 month long research project that concluded the glans had almost certainly evolved to enhance the male's coital experience and improve the chances of paternity. Professor Paddy O'Murphy and his research team at the University of Dublin spent €27.68 (Jazz mags, KY & Kleenex) on a 12 minute long research project that concluded the glans had almost certainly evolved to stop your hand flying off the end of your cock when you're wanking.

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Getting caught getting a blow job through a glory hole was the worst. You get no privacy at all in those Confessional booths.

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Last night I watched that Charlie's Angels movie sequel with Cameron Diaz and Demi Moore in it. Cunning stunts, all right. I was giving it Full Throttle.

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My dentist was puzzled as to why I needed fillings, despite brushing twice a day with my sonic toothbrush. I recently figured out the problem for myself. Turns out every time I brushed, some of the toothpaste was dripping down into the join between the brush head and the base, then drying out to form a powdery 'cushion' that muffled the sonic vibrations reaching the head. Easily remedied - now after brushing, I just detach the head and give both parts a quick rinse before re-assembling. Went for my check-up the other day, and my dentist said, 'Well, I'm seeing a lot of improvement here. What are you doing differently?' I replied, 'Well, I've changed my morning routine. Now whenever I'm done brushing my teeth, I pull the head off it.'

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At a four-year-old’s birthday party, the grown-ups were in the kitchen drinking wine when the little boy ran through and said “Mummy! Why is Grandma playing with a shrimp?” The mother poked her head around the door only to see that senility had, once again, forced Grandma to take all of her clothes off. She was lying on the sofa, legs apart, playing with herself. “Erm, darling, that’s not a shrimp that she’s playing with,” the mother replied. “That’s her clitoris”. With a puzzled expression, the boy said, “But mummy - it tastes like shrimp”.

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Since it's Holocaust Memorial Day I'm going to look at pictures of sexy Jewish celebrities and have an "Anne Frank".

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As I've gotten older, every year I need stranger and weirder porn to jerk off to. This week I'm watching musical parodies but I still couldn't cum. Then I found Shitty Titty Gangbang 💦

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Why is it best to use a mouse with your PC? So you can wank with the other hand

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What's the difference between an egg and a wank? You can beat an egg, but you can't.................................

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