My wife found out I'd been masturbating to some strange types of porn. She said, "Come on, let's hear how filthy you are. What kind was it?" I said, "I'll give you a clue. It rhymes with 'plastics'." "Gymnastics!" she screamed, "Typical fucking man!" At this point I decided not to correct her.
Masturbation notbaldbob (1172) · 10-07-2026 0911I was in Specsavers today, guess who I bumped into....... everyone
My neighbour thinks it's cool to sunbathe nude in the backyard, but her husband disagrees. As for me. I'm still on the fence.
Masturbation Allobosca 🥇 (2375) · 03-07-2026 2046chatting to a young girl in the pub last night i said to her " so what do they call you then?"....she replied " vivaldi", so i said " is that after the great composer?".... she said, " no, its because my name is viv and i work at Aldi"...
Masturbation randypecker (61) · 07-12-2025 2150I go to the gym most evenings. I don't do any exercise, but after watching the young lasses working out in their Lycra and Spandex, I like to go home for a nice protein shake.
Masturbation theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 🥈 (2186) · 27-05-2026 1553The Queen visits a hospital and goes through a ward, she sees a man wanking and says "whats wrong with him?" Doc says "he has to much sperm and has to do that 5 times a day. Then she sees a nurse giving a man a blow job and asks "whats wrong with him?" Doc says "same thing, but he's with BUPA."
Masturbation Allobosca 🥇 (2375) · 07-07-2026 1337The news says that teen depression is at an all time high. You fucking miserable bastards, you can get free anal porn on your phone! When I was your age I had to wank off to Challenge Anneka.
The band Massive Attack re-released their 1998 album Mezzanine in 2018, in a spray-paint format with the music digitised and encoded into DNA contained in the paint. Sounds like a pioneering move, but I painted my sister's Beyonce album sleeve with some DNA years before that.
Masturbation theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 🥈 (2186) · 03-06-2026 2112When i was thirteen my mum caught me wanking and she slapped me across the face. Then my dad caught me smoking and he made me smoke forty cigarettes one after the other. Glad he never caught me wanking.
Masturbation Joeydeaconsbastard (1000) · 14-07-2026 2222I enjoy masturbating twice a day. The other three times are a bit of a chore.
Masturbation Squeaky (1465) · 10-05-2026 0947A guy goes to the Doctor worried that his dick has turned bright orange. Over a period of several weeks and all sorts of tests the Doctor fails to diagnose the condition. “This is really baffling”, said the Doctor. Let’s start at the beginning again”. “For instance - from when you get up in the morning what do you do all day?” “Not a lot really,” said the guy. “Generally I just watch porn and eat Wotsits"
Masturbation DdraigGoch (659) · 14-06-2026 1412What do you call a Korean who masturbates into his own footwear? Hwan Kin-sok
Masturbation LennysCrevasse (693) · 16-06-2026 1019An Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman decide to play a game of Soggy Biscuit "The last time I played this, I spaffed on the biscuit second so I didn't have to eat it", boasts the Englishman "Och yeah? The last time I played this, I jizzed on a wee cracker first and I didn'ae have to eat it", brags the Scotsman "Well", says Paddy. "De last toime oy played this, I chucked me muck first and I ate the feckin ting" "Why", ask the Englishman & Scotsman "You see", says Paddy, "It was me versus the wife"
Masturbation LennysCrevasse (693) · 28-07-2026 1712What's the difference between an egg and a wank? I don't have a couple of eggs every morning.
Masturbation theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 🥈 (2186) · 04-05-2026 1118My bird said she doesn't finger herself when she's on her period. Today I caught her red-handed.
Masturbation supergalley 🥉 🥉 (1405) · 10-03-2026 0427I had to see my GP yesterday with dizzy spells, he has told me that I need to masturbate more often. Well, what he actually said was "Mr Goch, you may have a stroke any time!"
Masturbation DdraigGoch (659) · 06-03-2026 0950Glad to see Kylie enjoying her number 1 at Christmas, and I'll enjoy a number 3 while thinking about that. Also, not the first time George Michael was in the number 2 slot.
Masturbation ianwatkins 🥉 (1842) · 19-12-2025 1809How does a bald man run his fingers through his hair? He cuts holes in his pockets.
Masturbation Allobosca 🥇 (2375) · 03-07-2026 2048Two nuns in a bath. One says "Where's the soap?" The other says "It certainly does."
Masturbation ianwatkins 🥉 (1842) · 02-07-2026 1927I got kicked out of the British Museum today for touching the Little Soldier. The little Soldier is what I call my penis.
Masturbation Baldlice (112) · 23-06-2026 2223Pfizer Industries, (manufacturer of Viagra), postulated a question to the world of academia; 'What is the function of the glans as evolved in Homo Sapien?' (the knobbly bit at the end of the penis). They offered a $5M bursary to any institution that could adequately explain the mystery. Professor Torhild Skarsgård and her research team at the University of Oslo spent 4 million Krone on a 6 month long research project that concluded the glans had almost certainly evolved to enhance the female's coital experience and increase the chances of impregnation. Professor Sir Arthur Hebblethwaite and his research team at the University of Oxford spent £700,000.00 on a 9 month long research project that concluded the glans had almost certainly evolved to enhance the male's coital experience and improve the chances of paternity. Professor Paddy O'Murphy and his research team at the University of Dublin spent €27.68 (Jazz mags, KY & Kleenex) on a 12 minute long research project that concluded the glans had almost certainly evolved to stop your hand flying off the end of your cock when you're wanking.
Masturbation DdraigGoch (659) · 03-06-2026 0041Getting caught getting a blow job through a glory hole was the worst. You get no privacy at all in those Confessional booths.
Masturbation Htaxu (49) · 13-05-2026 2039Last night I watched that Charlie's Angels movie sequel with Cameron Diaz and Demi Moore in it. Cunning stunts, all right. I was giving it Full Throttle.
Masturbation theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 🥈 (2186) · 29-04-2026 0610My dentist was puzzled as to why I needed fillings, despite brushing twice a day with my sonic toothbrush. I recently figured out the problem for myself. Turns out every time I brushed, some of the toothpaste was dripping down into the join between the brush head and the base, then drying out to form a powdery 'cushion' that muffled the sonic vibrations reaching the head. Easily remedied - now after brushing, I just detach the head and give both parts a quick rinse before re-assembling. Went for my check-up the other day, and my dentist said, 'Well, I'm seeing a lot of improvement here. What are you doing differently?' I replied, 'Well, I've changed my morning routine. Now whenever I'm done brushing my teeth, I pull the head off it.'
Masturbation theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 🥈 (2186) · 25-04-2026 1013At a four-year-old’s birthday party, the grown-ups were in the kitchen drinking wine when the little boy ran through and said “Mummy! Why is Grandma playing with a shrimp?” The mother poked her head around the door only to see that senility had, once again, forced Grandma to take all of her clothes off. She was lying on the sofa, legs apart, playing with herself. “Erm, darling, that’s not a shrimp that she’s playing with,” the mother replied. “That’s her clitoris”. With a puzzled expression, the boy said, “But mummy - it tastes like shrimp”.
Masturbation Allobosca 🥇 (2375) · 17-04-2026 2330Since it's Holocaust Memorial Day I'm going to look at pictures of sexy Jewish celebrities and have an "Anne Frank".
Masturbation ianwatkins 🥉 (1842) · 28-01-2026 1954As I've gotten older, every year I need stranger and weirder porn to jerk off to. This week I'm watching musical parodies but I still couldn't cum. Then I found Shitty Titty Gangbang 💦
Masturbation ianwatkins 🥉 (1842) · 12-12-2025 1528Why is it best to use a mouse with your PC? So you can wank with the other hand
Masturbation Allobosca 🥇 (2375) · 30-05-2026 2200What's the difference between an egg and a wank? You can beat an egg, but you can't.................................
Masturbation gnashermenace (72) · 03-12-2025 1402