What's the difference between a military base and a school? Don't ask me, I only fly the drone.

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Found an old lamp whilst I was out walking yesterday.When I gave it a rub a big genie popped out and granted me three wishes. For my first wish I asked the genie to make Keir Starmer the worst Prime Minister in British History. The genie told me I still had three wishes left.

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Did you know Jeremy Corbyn has a tattoo? It's on his lampshade.

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I envy left wing people. I have to spend £50 on drugs or alcohol to act retarded. They don't have to pay a penny.

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I got Rupert Lowe to help me fix a crashed computer. He restored it to 1930.

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Keir Starmer is as much use as a woodpecker with a rubber beak.

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Turned on CNN this morning and saw video of fireworks across the globe, and people partying in the streets of New York, London, Sydney. I thought to myself: "wow! Is he dead?". Then remembered it was New Year.

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Towards the end of the TV marathon, Putin was asked a series of quickfire questions, touching on his views on friendship, religion, the motherland and love at first sight. He said he believed in love at first sight - then added that he himself was in love, without divulging any more details. So there you have it. Putin is in love with Trump.

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Election Issues: People say we need more police officers. Sarah Everard's family are like eh...

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Trump attacked Venezuela. He threatened to invade Greenland. He's going to send ICE to Italy.... He's really disrespecting his idol by not invading Poland.

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Labour MPs …because not all gimps wear a mask

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I'm glad to see King Charles hosting a state visit with Germany's president. Cheers, big ears!

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Coming up: the Tory party leadership contest. Conservative members get their chance to pick who will lead them to defeat against Nigel Farage in 2029.

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It’s no wonder sir Queer Stoma thinks he’s almighty. Whenever anyone sees him coming towards them, they cover their eyes and say out loud, “Oh God!!!”

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So the slaggy girl on my street will be able to be as well off as a working couple earning £70,000 a year from next April but somehow I'm the one in the wrong for telling everyone she's in the confectionary business. Well, technically I may have used the terms 'jelly-belly-babies' and 'niggerish allsorts' but let's not split hairs here.

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