What's the difference between a military base and a school? Don't ask me, I only fly the drone.

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Found an old lamp whilst I was out walking yesterday.When I gave it a rub a big genie popped out and granted me three wishes. For my first wish I asked the genie to make Keir Starmer the worst Prime Minister in British History. The genie told me I still had three wishes left.

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Did you know Jeremy Corbyn has a tattoo? It's on his lampshade.

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Rachel Reeves is touring Wales in her chauffeur driven car. The chauffeur forgets about the 20 mph limit and is speeding at 21mph. Suddenly a cow jumps over the hedge right in front of the car and is killed. She orders the chauffeur to go and tell the farmer. He is gone for 6 hours. When he gets back he is drunk with his hat missing, his hair ruffled and with a huge grin on his face. What happened to you she demands you’ve been gone hours. He replies the farmer opened his best bottle of whiskey for me, his wife cooked me a stunning meal and his daughter made love to me. What on earth did you tell him she demanded, I said I was Rachel Reeves chauffeur and I’ve killed the cow.

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I envy left wing people. I have to spend £50 on drugs or alcohol to act retarded. They don't have to pay a penny.

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I got Rupert Lowe to help me fix a crashed computer. He restored it to 1930.

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Keir Starmer is as much use as a woodpecker with a rubber beak.

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Turned on CNN this morning and saw video of fireworks across the globe, and people partying in the streets of New York, London, Sydney. I thought to myself: "wow! Is he dead?". Then remembered it was New Year.

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Towards the end of the TV marathon, Putin was asked a series of quickfire questions, touching on his views on friendship, religion, the motherland and love at first sight. He said he believed in love at first sight - then added that he himself was in love, without divulging any more details. So there you have it. Putin is in love with Trump.

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Election Issues: People say we need more police officers. Sarah Everard's family are like eh...

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I was browsing OnlyFans when a new woman's profile was recommended to me - "Satan's Whore" "Fucking Hell, Kamala is on OnlyFans now ?"

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Trump attacked Venezuela. He threatened to invade Greenland. He's going to send ICE to Italy.... He's really disrespecting his idol by not invading Poland.

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Labour MPs …because not all gimps wear a mask

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I'm glad to see King Charles hosting a state visit with Germany's president. Cheers, big ears!

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Coming up: the Tory party leadership contest. Conservative members get their chance to pick who will lead them to defeat against Nigel Farage in 2029.

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It’s no wonder sir Queer Stoma thinks he’s almighty. Whenever anyone sees him coming towards them, they cover their eyes and say out loud, “Oh God!!!”

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So the slaggy girl on my street will be able to be as well off as a working couple earning £70,000 a year from next April but somehow I'm the one in the wrong for telling everyone she's in the confectionary business. Well, technically I may have used the terms 'jelly-belly-babies' and 'niggerish allsorts' but let's not split hairs here.

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