I really know how to turn on a woman. By the time we are ready to fuck, she is wetter than Stevie Wonder's toilet floor.

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Getting molested as a youth led me as an adult to frequently dress as a clown and perform at parties. Ronald McFondled

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I hug my girlfriend really tight after sex. That way she deflates much quicker.

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What's worse than finding a maggot in your apple? Having a Miscarriage

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The definition of love. Someone you want to fuck twice.

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Police are investigating claims Katy Perry sexually assaulted the Australian actor Ruby Rose at a Melbourne nightclub more than a decade ago, allegations the American pop star strenuously denies. Christ, some people will complain about anything...

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A man staggers into hospital, says to the doctor "Arrrgh! I've been raped by an elephant!" Doctor examines rapees bum hole and cries "You're right. But your arsehole is 10 inches wide, but an elephant's cock is only 2 inches wide. How'd it get that big?" "He fingered me first."

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When I was twenty I couldn't bend my erect penis with both hands. When I was forty I could bend it a bit with only one hand. Now I'm sixty I can bend it in half quite easily. My question is : Just how much fucking stronger do you think I'm going to get?

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Definition of gross: Sticking 12 oysters in an old woman's fanny and sucking out 13.

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I'm not saying that I have a big cock but every time I get a hard-on my feet go numb.

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A woman gives birth to the smartest baby ever. The baby is able to talk. The next day his father visits them at the hospital. The father looks at the baby and the baby pokes the man on the head, then he says "Now you know how I felt!"

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Why did the young Greek boy leave home? He was fed up with the way he was being reared.

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Everyone remembers their first love and mine was Lucy. We would go for long walks over fields and then stop and kiss . And it didn't just stop at kissing. Once we found a barn and made love there all night. Then one day, a car came out of nowhere, hit Lucy, and she had to be put down.

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My wife got sacked from work and then lost her appeal. I only found her appealing because she had a well paid job.

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What kind of paving did Hitler have on his driveway? Monobollock.

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What's the similarity between a steak and kidney pie and an old woman's cunt? You've got to bite through the crust and jelly to get to the meat.

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What is the difference between a woman and a fridge? A fridge doesn't fart when you pull your meat out of it.

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