I took a girl back to my flat. "You haven't removed many bras have you?" she sighed. "What gave it away?" "The scissors, mainly."

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Breast implants. Worth splashing out on.

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Say what you like about the architecture of Josef Fritzl But after building his underground bunker he really started coming into his own.

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Alright, who’s told everyone about my erectile dysfunction? Everyone keeps asking me if I’ll be able to stay up tonight?

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Two old ladies are having a cigarette outside the old folks home, and it starts to rain. One of them suddenly pulls a condom out of her handbag, unravels it and puts it over the cig so it doesn't get wet "ooh what's that Betty" the other asks "It's called a condom, they sell them at the chemists dear" she answers so the other goes to the chemists and, when asked for a condom by such an elderly lady and seeing an opportunity for mirth the young oiik behind the counter smirks and asks "so what would you like, a ribbed one, a French tickler, flavoured? Etc. "Oh I don't mind dear as long as it fits a camel!"

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People often say that pets are like members of your family. You can get in a lot of trouble if you're caught fucking them.

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This blind man with a beautiful woman stopped me in the street and said. "Excuse me, sir, are you Korean?" "No," I replied. "Why?" "Well, would you mind holding my dog for five minutes while I fuck this prostitute?"

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How do you know if you have a very high sperm count? Your girlfriend has to chew before she can swallow!!!

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Necrophilia? It's just dead boring.

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Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? Because his wife is dead.

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A little old lady is driving her wheelchair up and down the halls of the old-folks home, making car noises. A gent steps out of his room and says "Looks like you were going a bit fast. Can I see your liscense?" The lady hands him a grocery receipt and he looks at it for a bit and says "Well I'll give you a warning this time, but slow it down a bit." The lady resumes wheeling the halls making car noises. The man steps out again and says "your plates expired. Can I see your registration?" She hands him a napkin and he looks at it and says "I'll let you off with a warning this time, but be careful." She zooms off and this time the man comes out his room stark naked sporting an erection. The lady says "Oh no! Not the breathalyzer again."

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What do you call a Greek necrophiliac? Nick Fuckacarcass

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I heard you can tell if your partner is having an affair by their excuses for being absent. I would tell my wife, but she’s taking the ferret to midnight yodelling lessons.

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Bonnie Tyler - Currently David Fuller's favourite CILF.

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What are the three reasons why anal sex is better than vaginal sex? It's warmer, it's tighter, and it's more degrading to women.

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A woman I had been chatting up suggested swinging. I quite enjoyed it but now all my jumpers and shirts are too short in the arms.

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News: Gorillas perform oral sex in front of horrified humans. I hope they do Feel Good Inc next.

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What's the best way to cook toilet paper? Brown it on one side.

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I got a job recently, in the sex industry. The pay isn't too good, but at least it's gash in hand.

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