News: 5 arrested for fly-tipping. There’s a real dip in quality of Enid Blyton’s writing.

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"So how long are you in for?" I asked my new cellmate. "Just a couple of minutes and then I'm usually done," he replied, as he carried on thrusting.

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Lindsay Clancy blaming her hormones for murdering her children is like me blaming testosterone for raping mine.

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I joined a Facebook group for local missing people. Nice to finally put names to some of the faces.

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I just saw a black guy running down the road with a Cape on I shouted, "Are you a Superhero?" He said, "No, I haven't paid for my haircut!"

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My last girlfriend dumped me when she found out what my mates used to call me in primary school. Jon Venables. (credit: Barry Martin)

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After thirty years, police have finally identified the man they believe killed Tupac Shakur, based on a memoir he wrote and numerous TV interviews in which he repeatedly boasted of being the perpetrator. Professor Jason Arday.

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I saw a Chinese shoplifter at work and I shouted "hey you" he shouted back "how you know my name?" Coat off the peg already

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If you are ever stopped by a policeman while doing something you shouldn't, you should always make sure to call him 'sir.' If you need to leg it he will find it much harder to run after you if he has an erection.

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A foreign bloke is waiting in the immigration queue to get into Britain when a policeman approaches. "Please come with me, sir," he says. "But why?" the man protests. "We have received a tip-off that you are a violent schizophrenic who has links to several terrorist organizations and an outstanding warrant for rape." "So I am under arrest then?" he asks. "No, sir. You qualify for the fast-track queue."

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Whenever I see a black guy walking towards me, I instinctively put my hand on my wallet. Then I remember you can't buy them any more.

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There's only one thing worse than someone walking up to you with a big knife in their hand. And that's when they say "you don't remember me, do you?"

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I was involved in a very traumatic and violent mugging. On the plus side I got a nice watch and 20 quid.

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Daddy bear said "Who's been eating my porridge". Mummy bear said "Who's been eating my porridge". And baby bear said "Fuck the porridge where's the television gone"?

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I tried to submit a joke about Madeleine McCann but it just disappeared.

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I got mugged in an alleyway last night. As I was laid flat out and barely conscious,the bastard poured soy sauce over me. Talk about Kikkoman while he's down!

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Two burglars broke into an off licence and one says to the other."Is this whisky"? And the other one says "Yes but not as wisky as wobbing a bank".

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What's the difference between Chris Kaba and a doughnut? The doughnut had a hole in it before the police arrived

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The teacher was asking her class what their fathers did. "My dad runs the prison," said little Johnny. "Is he the Governor?" she asked. "No," replied Johnny, "he's the hardest cunt in there."

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Never have used Spotify, never will. I get my music the old-fashioned way. Downloading it from pirate sites for fuck-all.

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I've come up with a plan to ensure a comfortable and affordable retirement. Shoplifting.

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Teacher; there are 10 bars of chocolate on the table. Jamal takes 6. What colour is Jamal?

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"My friends and family are coming over," I said, "Quick, hide all the silver." "Are they thieves,?" asked my wife. "No," I replied, "they might recognise it."

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A cop stops a little old lady driving a Mini. He jokingly asks, "Any weapons in the car?" "Yes," she replies, " a .38 in the glove box, a 9mm on my ankle, a .45 on my hip and a pump action on the back seat." "Bloody hell," says the cop. "What are you frightened of?" "Fucking nothing," she replied.

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Hamish lived a very frugal life in the Highlands. One day he came home to find his cottage had been burgled. His few possessions had been scattered across the floor but nothing had been stolen. Hamish noticed that the burglar had taken a shit in the big pot of stew he had made that morning. Hamish was annoyed that he had to throw half of it away.

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I know a chap who works for the FBI.. He pretends to be a 13 year old girl and chats online to child molesters and stalkers all day.. I don't know what he does for the FBI.

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I used to have a nice house and a nice car until my mate introduced me to drugs. Now I have a yacht and a Caribbean island.

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Prince Phillip always used to be fascinated by dog walkers picking up dirty bits of brown business and throwing it in the bin But he thought it was far simpler to have them driven into a concrete wall instead

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Nigel Farage blames ‘loose pub talk’ for donations sting row ahead of conference speech. Haw, Nige, mate! Gonnae lend us 4 million quid til I get me giro?

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A copper stopped me driving home last night. First thing he said was "do you know why I stopped you?" I shrugged and said "because you're a cunt? "

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Life begins at............................ the Old Bailey

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Police have appealed for anyone who knew of someone with a grudge against Ann Widdecombe to come forward. They’re now trying to identify the people who didn’t.

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My mate got caught stealing stratch cards from where he worked. He got 200 hours community service. It would have been 100, but it was a rollover week.

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Exotic foods: English - Pot Noodle. Cambodian - Pol Pot Noodle. Korean - Dog Noodle. Scottish - Och aye The Noo-dle.

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TV presenters usually have to be quite on-the-ball, but I remember that Jill Dando lass from the 1990s. She was a bit of a scatterbrain.

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I tipped out a bag of air in India and got done for fly tipping.

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Turns out those lads in that crash were in such a hurry cos they wanted to get a Sausage McMuffin, but instead they ended up with double bacon

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A dyslexic bank robber came into our bank and shouted, ' Air in the hands mother stickers, this is a fuck up. '

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Fuck off, officer! I was only keeping those ladies' skins until they asked for them back.

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A Small weedy guy get arrested and sent to jail for emzzling forty seven million dollars from his employer, on his first day in the slam he is put in a cell with a Giant black dude called Leroy, All is quiet till leroy says " lets play a game, lets play mumm and daddy, do you want to be mummy or daddy ?" the little guy thinks and replies that he will be daddy, "Fine" says Leroy " Come over here and suck mummys cock"

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I hate standing in line. I wish she'd hurry up and pick a fucking suspect.

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As she lay there dead on the floor with blood still seeping from the wound the copper said to me, "OK, in your own words, tell me what happened. " "I don't know, it was an accident, I was cleaning it and it went off, "I answered. "IT'S A FUCKING BOW AND ARROW! " he yelled back at me.

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My girlfriend found out that I'm an organ trafficker. "How can you do that?," she screamed, "you don't have a heart." "Actually, I have four," I replied.

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The firing squad execution scheduled for December will not be shown live on terrestrial TV However, the BBC will be showing a highlights programme at 10.30pm with assurances that the commentator will be present in the death chamber

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I am defo not going to Minnesota to do the ICE bullet challenge!

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The worst gangsta rapper in history has to be that Christa Pike. 31 years on Death Row, and still no payday.

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My mum went to one of those American school shootings and all she brought back was this bloody T-shirt!

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Gutted. Just got handed a two year driving ban. But on a positive note, they won't let me keep a car inside the prison walls during my two year sentence for 'Causing Death by Dangerous Driving while Under the Influence of Alcohol' anyway so I'll still be able to drive home when my sentence finishes.

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I just saved money on my car insurance by switching to reverse gear and getting the fuck out of there before they got my number plate.

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