A foreign bloke is waiting in the immigration queue to get into Britain when a policeman approaches. "Please come with me, sir," he says. "But why?" the man protests. "We have received a tip-off that you are a violent schizophrenic who has links to several terrorist organizations and an outstanding warrant for rape." "So I am under arrest then?" he asks. "No, sir. You qualify for the fast-track queue."

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I was involved in a very traumatic and violent mugging. On the plus side I got a nice watch and 20 quid.

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I tried to submit a joke about Madeleine McCann but it just disappeared.

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A cop stops a little old lady driving a Mini. He jokingly asks, "Any weapons in the car?" "Yes," she replies, " a .38 in the glove box, a 9mm on my ankle, a .45 on my hip and a pump action on the back seat." "Bloody hell," says the cop. "What are you frightened of?" "Fucking nothing," she replied.

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Hamish lived a very frugal life in the Highlands. One day he came home to find his cottage had been burgled. His few possessions had been scattered across the floor but nothing had been stolen. Hamish noticed that the burglar had taken a shit in the big pot of stew he had made that morning. Hamish was annoyed that he had to throw half of it away.

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I know a chap who works for the FBI.. He pretends to be a 13 year old girl and chats online to child molesters and stalkers all day.. I don't know what he does for the FBI.

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I used to have a nice house and a nice car until my mate introduced me to drugs. Now I have a yacht and a Caribbean island.

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My mate got caught stealing stratch cards from where he worked. He got 200 hours community service. It would have been 100, but it was a rollover week.

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"My friends and family are coming over," I said, "Quick, hide all the silver." "Are they thieves,?" asked my wife. "No," I replied, "they might recognise it."

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Exotic foods: English - Pot Noodle. Cambodian - Pol Pot Noodle. Korean - Dog Noodle. Scottish - Och aye The Noo-dle.

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Fuck off, officer! I was only keeping those ladies' skins until they asked for them back.

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A Small weedy guy get arrested and sent to jail for emzzling forty seven million dollars from his employer, on his first day in the slam he is put in a cell with a Giant black dude called Leroy, All is quiet till leroy says " lets play a game, lets play mumm and daddy, do you want to be mummy or daddy ?" the little guy thinks and replies that he will be daddy, "Fine" says Leroy " Come over here and suck mummys cock"

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I hate standing in line. I wish she'd hurry up and pick a fucking suspect.

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As she lay there dead on the floor with blood still seeping from the wound the copper said to me, "OK, in your own words, tell me what happened. " "I don't know, it was an accident, I was cleaning it and it went off, "I answered. "IT'S A FUCKING BOW AND ARROW! " he yelled back at me.

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My girlfriend found out that I'm an organ trafficker. "How can you do that?," she screamed, "you don't have a heart." "Actually, I have four," I replied.

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I am defo not going to Minnesota to do the ICE bullet challenge!

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Daddy bear said "Who's been eating my porridge". Mummy bear said "Who's been eating my porridge". And baby bear said "Fuck the porridge where's the television gone"?

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My mum went to one of those American school shootings and all she brought back was this bloody T-shirt!

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Gutted. Just got handed a two year driving ban. But on a positive note, they won't let me keep a car inside the prison walls during my two year sentence for 'Causing Death by Dangerous Driving while Under the Influence of Alcohol' anyway so I'll still be able to drive home when my sentence finishes.

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Statistics suggest that 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape! (Let's get some of the old classics posted back up).

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I just saved money on my car insurance by switching to reverse gear and getting the fuck out of there before they got my number plate.

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