An old Marine Pilot sat down in a Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked: “Are you a real pilot”? He replied: Well, I’ve spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans… Flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I’ve taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you? She said: I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. ‘It seems everything makes me think of naked women.’ The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: “Are you a real pilot?” He replied: ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a Lesbian.’

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Air travel is the safest form of transport. Safer than driving? Yes. Safer than the train? Yes. Safer than taking a coach? Yes. Safer than riding a bicycle? Yes. Safer than walking? Yes. Alright. But you've still got to get to the fucking airport haven't you?

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I was chatting with an off duty police officer at a bar in New York. "I'll never forget nine eleven" he said, while staring mournfully into his whisky. "I should hope not! It's your feckin phone number!"

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I got stopped by customs at the airport. "Is it ok to search your bags sir"? "Why"? 'We are looking for illegal drugs etc" "In that case.....no"

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A passenger on a Ryanair flight was reportedly almost sucked out of a window during a journey from Greece. A spokesman for the airline said there is a £15 surcharge to sit by a window with a pane in it.

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Some people complain about genetically modified food, but it's flying off the shelves.

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'If we die, we die together': Wife who held on to her husband's legs after he was sucked out of Ryanair jet window at 20,000ft describes battle to save him. My wife would have been pushing.

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I was flying with Ryanair when suddenly there was a violent cabin depressurization. The oxygen masks were deployed. I put mine on, but there was no oxygen! In a panic, I grabbed a cabin attendant. "NO OXYGEN!" I shouted. "IT'S COIN OPERATED", she replied.

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Ladies and gentlemen, despite the broken window there's no cause for alarm. It's only been broken by a bit of the engine falling off.

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I sleep better when I'm naked. I just wish the passengers on this flight were a bit more understanding.

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I thought opening a door for a lady was good manners, but she just screamed and flew out of the plane

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An alien landed in my garden last night and said "take me to your leader" I said "I would but you'll be wasting your time he's useless"

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What’s the difference between a nurse and a helicopter? Not everyone has had a ride on a helicopter

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An alien walks into a bar. He's 9 foot tall, bright green, silver suit, 28 tentacles, the whole shebang. Everyone's stunned into silence, however the landlord who's used to keeping his cool says, "Welcome stranger. Would you like a pint of bitter?" "No thank you," says the alien "I'm into Stella."

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Need a laugh this morning Read this 😂😂😂😂 Air Traffic Control Gems Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10s o'clock, 6 miles..." Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!" TWA 2341, for noise abatement, turn right 45 degrees." "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?" O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 239 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound." United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight." A DC-10 had come in a little fast and thus had an exceedingly long rollout after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport." A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English. Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war." One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the Tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one." While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Fort. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose-to-nose with a United 727. An irate female ATC ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie Taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage at the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how tell you! You got that, US Air 2771 ? "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance to engage the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

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Whenever I asked my son what he wanted to do when he was older, he'd always say, "Fighter pilot!" On our holiday he was lucky to be invited into the cockpit. He's now also facing assault charges on the co-pilot and two cabin staff.

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My grandfather was a very brave man, he flew a Spitfire against the Germans. Meanwhile my grandmother got spitroasted by the Americans.

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What does Al Italia stand for? Arrived Late In Turin And Luggage In Athens What does Qantas stand for? Quite A Nice Trip; All Survived What does Lufthansa stand for? Let Us Fondle The Hostess And Not Say Anything Which all nicely leads up to... What does Munich stand for? Manchester United Never Intended Coming Home

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