Never thought I'd see anything more ironic than a guy in a wheelchair eating a bag of Walkers. Then I saw a black guy drinking a bottle of Innocent.

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Probably the sickest joke I ever wrote. Abdul my next door neighbour came round crying and distraught, "My baby girl has died in her cot in the night he cried. " "Oh dear, " I said trying not to laugh, "never mind Abdul, just think of her as another virgin in paradise now for your brave soldiers. "

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Walking through the park yesterday I saw a boy flailing his arms around and making animal noises. I decided to join him and we both got louder and louder. A woman appeared and said, ' What do you think you are doing? ' ' Playing dinosaurs, ' I replied. ' Fuck off, ' she said, 'he's got Down's Syndrome.'

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