Never thought I'd see anything more ironic than a guy in a wheelchair eating a bag of Walkers. Then I saw a black guy drinking a bottle of Innocent.

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King Charles has revealed his recent treatment for cancer cost him his sense of taste. This is the guy who climbed over Diana to get to Camilla, he never fucking had one.

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When people say "he's alright once you get to know him" it actually means "he's a cunt, but you'll get used to it"

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Probably the sickest joke I ever wrote. Abdul my next door neighbour came round crying and distraught, "My baby girl has died in her cot in the night he cried. " "Oh dear, " I said trying not to laugh, "never mind Abdul, just think of her as another virgin in paradise now for your brave soldiers. "

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I once had sex with this really hot black girl. Got to the scene before the fire brigade.

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What's black and has 27 tits? The rubbish bag outside the cancer clinic.

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Why don't sharks eat niggers? It's because they think it's whale shit.

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My uncle died of a heart attack yesterday, but at least he was doing what he loved most. Fucking a dead baby.

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I am anti abortion. I've got no problem with killing babies, it's just that I'm not comfortable with allowing women to have a choice.

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So Jesus could turn water into wine.... Big deal I can make two different liquids come out of my cock

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I got to the end of the till queue and the girl said "sorry about the wait" I said "that's OK, at least you've got a nice personality"

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When I was young, our family was so poor we had to wank the dog off to feed the cat.

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Some young pikey lads came into my local last Friday night. They started noising people up, trying to pick fights and generally acting the cunt. One of them pointed at me and said, 'Oi, mate! Your Mam takes it up the arse for two quid!' I looked him up and down and replied, 'You'd better start saving up, then.'

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In his latest spat with Canada, Donald Trump has signed an executive order renaming Lake Ontario as Lake America, even though its name didn't come from the Canadian province in the first place. I propose a compromise. Let him rename the River Thames as the River Trump. After all, it's already overflowing with shit.

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Serena Williams might be 44 but she's immature in other ways She still pulls her shorts all the way down when she has a piss

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I was cursed with a tiny penis I wish he'd just twirled his index & forefinger at me like normal devil worshippers

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Me: "Go fuck yourself, you cunt." Lady in the queue: "Excuse me, my 10 year old son can hear you." Me: "That's who I was talking to."

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I told Anthony Joshua he was a big, useless, black bastard then put the phone down.

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Mummy, Mummy! I don't like tomato soup! Shut up son, we only have it once a month.

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In memoriam of 'Holocaust Day' for my wife, I cleaned our oven.

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Walking through the park yesterday I saw a boy flailing his arms around and making animal noises. I decided to join him and we both got louder and louder. A woman appeared and said, ' What do you think you are doing? ' ' Playing dinosaurs, ' I replied. ' Fuck off, ' she said, 'he's got Down's Syndrome.'

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My grandad who ended up on the Burma railway would be spinning in his fucking grave if he saw me cheering on the Nips But here we are

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