Two books on a library shelf. ' You look thinner, ' said the first book. ' I've had my appendix removed, ' replied the second book.
General Squeaky (1465) · 28-07-2026 0719Someone keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off. I think I'm being stalked.
General Squeaky (1465) · 18-07-2026 0900My mate went to get a tattoo of an Indian on his back. Half way through he said, "Don't forget to put a big tomahawk in his hand." The tattooist said "For fuck sake, give us a chance mate, I've only just finished his turban!"
General notbaldbob (1172) · 16-07-2026 1353After studying semaphore all morning,I started flagging in the afternoon.
General Squeaky (1465) · 19-07-2026 0855Our teenage son has turned into a complete nightmare.Drink,drugs,shoplifting and fighting. Last night my wife answered the door and two policeman were there. This time it was good news. He was dead.
General Squeaky (1465) · 17-07-2026 0829I've just bought myself a new motor and its going to be a proper fanny magnet. All I've got to do now is stock it with ice-creams.
General notbaldbob (1172) · 16-07-2026 0952' Tell me something dangerous you did as a child, ' my wife asked. ' Wrote a letter to Jim'll Fix It, ' I replied.
General Squeaky (1465) · 16-07-2026 0855My friend gave me an elephant for my room. ' Thank you, ' I said. ' Don't mention it, ' he replied.
General Squeaky (1465) · 15-07-2026 0958After years of trying I finally managed to contact my father through a psychic medium. ' Is that really you Dad? ' ' Yes,son. ' ' I'll just put your mother on. '
General Squeaky (1465) · 02-08-2026 0754Why do I have to prove who I am when paying a bill? Do random people try paying my bills, and if so, why don't you let them?
General Stallion (1597) · 06-08-2026 0659Fucking hell this website has got more colours than my cock before the antibiotics kicked in But still fewer than Bradford
General LennysCrevasse (693) · 26-07-2026 1156I always have a picture of my wife and kids in the front of my wallet. It reminds me why there is fuck all in it.
General Squeaky (1465) · 21-07-2026 0828They say that size doesn't matter. I've spent half an hour trying to get these shoes on.
General Squeaky (1465) · 13-07-2026 0944Now that Maddie's brother is swimming at the commonwealth games, changed his name to Paddlin McCann.
There was some loud knocking at our front door. ' There's a man at the door with a bill, ' said my wife. ' It's probably a duck wearing a hat, ' I replied, ' just tell it to fuck off. '
General Squeaky (1465) · 26-07-2026 0820I've looked through all my cookery books, but I still can't find the recipe for disaster.
I remember when I was a kid, I'd run out of the house when I heard Mr. Whippy come around. That was the nickname of my sado-masochistic Uncle.
General notbaldbob (1172) · 14-07-2026 1830My American cousin pointed at a homeless man sleeping in a doorway and said, “That poor soul.” “Poor? I pay £1,800 a month for that much room.”
General WayOutWest (419) · 25-07-2026 2052An AI clone of my dad rang asking to borrow money. Honestly, the technology is terrifying. It remembered my birthday.
General WayOutWest (419) · 24-07-2026 0550Back when I was a kid, there was no internet. So people would sometimes have to walk for miles just to call me a cunt.
General notbaldbob (1172) · 14-07-2026 1455I came home last night with two black eyes, a fat lip and a broken nose. The hospital really should lock their bins up.
General Stickyagain 🥈 (1380) · 27-07-2026 0833My partner kept advising me to ' loosen up ' and ' fully relax '. That pretty much ended our trapeze act at the circus.
General Squeaky (1465) · 20-07-2026 0811My dyslexic friend tried to text me a joke but got it wrong. Then he sent me a text apologising because he had urined it.
General Squeaky (1465) · 12-07-2026 1002The Ten Step Guide To Success. Step One ---- Only ever tell people 10% of what you know.
General Squeaky (1465) · 30-07-2026 0717My dentist informed me today that I need a crown. Finally, someone who understands me.
General notbaldbob (1172) · 16-07-2026 0949Going down on her and inner voice says "Fuck me lass, flaps like a dropped lasagne" but you still slurp and delve deep.