My blood pressure is quite high so my doctor told me to eat more vegetables, leafy greens, kale, spinach etc. It tastes like shit but I just put loads of salt on it.
Age/Elderly ianwatkins 🥉 (1843) · 24-07-2026 2047I saw my mate who has no legs yesterday waiting at the bus stop. I said "alright Dave , how are you getting on?"
I went on a date with a girl whose Tinder profile said she had an 'infectious smile'. She had cold sores.
Disease/Illness theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥈 (2195) · 25-07-2026 1229My friend from America is visiting me and he told me that he done a good deed today by holding an elevator door open for a spastic. I told him that kind of talk is not welcome in this country. In England we call them lifts.
Disability Joeydeaconsbastard (1005) · 16-07-2026 1919Common English mistakes: Using they're instead of their. Using an apostrophe to indicate a plural. Letting Pakis into the country.
Pakistani notbaldbob (1172) · 27-07-2026 0620I refused to believe I was gay and dyslexic. I was in Daniel.
LGBTQ4KHDTV+ etc notbaldbob (1172) · 26-07-2026 0759A vehicle has ploughed into crowds at Berlin Pride. The suspect reportedly had a beard, was shouting “Allahu Akbar”, wearing a suicide vest and fled the scene on a goat. Police are urging people not to speculate about the motive.
Muslim WayOutWest (419) · 25-07-2026 2134I bought an R Kelly album once. There was a warning sticker on the cellophane. It said, 'Please keep this rapper away from babies and young children.'
Pedophile theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥈 (2195) · 24-07-2026 2104I saw a post on my local community group on Facebook: 'MISSING: Our 3-year-old tabby cat, Oscar. He is recently neutered, wears a collar bell to alert birds, and we feed him a vegan diet.' I replied, 'And you're surprised he fucked off?'
Animals theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥈 (2195) · 27-07-2026 0932I can always tell if a woman has a good sense of humour. Just by feeling her breasts.
Sex n Shit Squeaky (1470) · 04-08-2026 0819The homeless problem would be solved if the Big Issue had tits in it
I won first place in a political correctness competition the weekend... Though to be fair, so did everyone else.
Political notbaldbob (1172) · 27-07-2026 1942My dog bit a black guy the other day so the police told me to have him chipped. You should see the difference, he now operates at 16 Nigger bytes a second.
Animals notbaldbob (1172) · 25-07-2026 1031Gambling brought my family closer together. We had to buy a smaller house
Gambling supergalley 🥇 🥉 (1415) · 23-07-2026 1237What's the worst thing that can happen when you are fucking your sister? The cot breaks.
Incest Squeaky (1470) · 22-07-2026 0758My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner. ....so I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
spike125 (1209) · 07-08-2026 0245What does paying for a sandwich and paying for a hooker have in common? Both could have been prevented if your wife was doing her job
Sex n Shit Irishstu (117) · 04-08-2026 2048I suddenly felt a tightness in my chest and my left arm went completely numb, of course I knew what to do straight away. I had a wank so it felt like someone else was doing it.
Doctor/Nurse/Medical ianwatkins 🥉 (1843) · 31-07-2026 0253Just wondering Was Bill Oddie taken away in a body bag or a Goodie bag.
Death Joeydeaconsbastard (1005) · 27-07-2026 1933My date said she liked men who make an effort. She should see the well I dug in the cellar.
Dark WayOutWest (419) · 27-07-2026 1857"So how long are you in for?" I asked my new cellmate. "Just a couple of minutes and then I'm usually done," he replied, as he carried on thrusting.
Crime notbaldbob (1172) · 23-07-2026 0535My girlfriend got pregnant because her coil didn't work. She's expecting a baby in the spring.
Adult Stickyagain 🥉 🥈 (1391) · 19-07-2026 1549I went to the barbers and said "I want my hair cut like Tom Cruise" so he sat me on a big cushion
Celebrities Stickyagain 🥉 🥈 (1391) · 10-07-2026 2255Princess Eugenie has given birth to a baby girl in Lisbon. Sarah Ferguson spoke to her daughter on a Facetime call shortly afterwards saying "Ooh, she's so pretty Eugenie, I can see your father in her!" Eugenie replied "Can you really?" "Yes," replied Sarah, "Probably the first time he gets to babysit!"
A black man was given a twenty five year jail sentence at Crown Court today for something he didn't do. Wipe his fingerprints off the gun.
Racist Squeaky (1470) · 03-08-2026 0957My wife said she's leaving me because she's never seen me sober. Fucking hell, I got married?
Alcohol/Drugs theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥈 (2195) · 02-08-2026 1244People used to say that I was like Bill Oddie. I would often hide in bushes to spy on birds.
Celebrities Stickyagain 🥉 🥈 (1391) · 31-07-2026 0856Why is vodka clear? So the Russians can tell it isn't their tap water.
Political ianwatkins 🥉 (1843) · 29-07-2026 1831Two books on a library shelf. ' You look thinner, ' said the first book. ' I've had my appendix removed, ' replied the second book.
General Squeaky (1470) · 28-07-2026 0719I’ve decided to liven up my sex life… The mortuary doesn’t do it for me anymore.
Cockwomble (93) · 27-07-2026 1445A huge article just appeared featuring Dracula's lifestyle in Daily Mail. And yet, he didn't appear in The Mirror, or The Sun.
Dad Jokes notbaldbob (1172) · 27-07-2026 0628HR asked whether I struggle to read social cues. I said no, then moved my chair closer because she seemed nervous.
Dark WayOutWest (419) · 26-07-2026 1746What would happen if you drop the bomb on Africa? Fuck all they're all over here.
Racist Joeydeaconsbastard (1005) · 24-07-2026 2141I don't know what's worse, me getting caught fucking my daughter, or the abortion clinic letting me bring her home in the first place.
Babies Stickyagain 🥉 🥈 (1391) · 24-07-2026 1943I think it’s pretty cool how the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos.
Racist notbaldbob (1172) · 10-07-2026 0913I saw a Paki filling up his car at a petrol station this morning. He managed to get seven adults and ten kids in there.
Pakistani Squeaky (1470) · 10-07-2026 0807The BBC are to screen a new documentary about life in an average household in Bradford. 101 Damn Asians starts on Monday at 9pm.
Racist theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥈 (2195) · 06-08-2026 1528A ticket inspector banged on the door of the train toilet and said "where's your ticket?" I shouted FFS I'm having a shit! " He said" I don't believe you, pass it under the door" I said "there you go, the yellow bits are sweetcorn"
Stickyagain 🥉 🥈 (1391) · 05-08-2026 1914My doctor told me that I have xenophobia. I'll bet I caught it off some Paki cunt.
Racist Stallion (1597) · 04-08-2026 2028What's blue and orange, and at the bottom of a swimming pool? A kid with flat arm bands
Death Gungho_ED (275) · 03-08-2026 1912A customer just asked me if we sold condoms. I said we don't, but have you tried Boots? He said yes, but it dribbles out of the lace holes.
Long Story Stickyagain 🥉 🥈 (1391) · 03-08-2026 1137After a prostate exam, the doctor quickly leaves and a nurse enters with a worried look. She whispers the words no man wants to hear: "Who the fuck was that guy?".
Adult Irishstu (117) · 01-08-2026 0610An old Marine Pilot sat down in a Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked: “Are you a real pilot”? He replied: Well, I’ve spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans… Flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I’ve taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you? She said: I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. ‘It seems everything makes me think of naked women.’ The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: “Are you a real pilot?” He replied: ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a Lesbian.’
Aviation supergalley 🥇 🥉 (1415) · 30-07-2026 1410A British army sniper was asked how many people he had killed. "None," he replied, "only Muslims."
Muslim Stallion (1597) · 29-07-2026 0001My Chinese girlfriend dumped me and now I can't find my way home because I'm totally disoriented.
Racist ianwatkins 🥉 (1843) · 28-07-2026 1736"Do you love me?," she asked, "because I really love you." "No, I think of you more as a clingy nuisance," I replied to my 4 year old daughter.
Dark Stallion (1597) · 27-07-2026 2008Why can't more than one woman play monopoly? Because there is only one iron.
Sexist notbaldbob (1172) · 27-07-2026 1748What do you say to a Geography graduate? Big Mac and fries, please.
Work/Workplace ianwatkins 🥉 (1843) · 27-07-2026 1745Over dinner my date asked me, 'So, do you have any guilty pleasures?' I replied, 'Of course I do. Everyone does. But it's our first date, I'd be far too embarrassed to tell you about that sort of thing.' 'Don't be shy! Tell you what, how about you tell me yours and then I'll tell you mine?' 'Okay, then. Here goes... Sometimes when I'm masturbating, I like to spread peanut butter on my cock and get the dog to lick it off. Deal's a deal, now you tell me yours!' 'Erm... The Carpenters and Billy Joel.'
Dark theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥈 (2195) · 26-07-2026 2150I joined a Facebook group for local missing people. Nice to finally put names to some of the faces.
Crime WayOutWest (419) · 26-07-2026 1740A man was savagely attacked at The Teddy Bear's Picnic. His condition is said to be improving but he's not out of the woods yet.
Silly notbaldbob (1172) · 26-07-2026 0743The first thing I look for in a woman is intelligence. Because if she doesn't have that, there's a good chance I can fuck her.
Sex n Shit notbaldbob (1172) · 25-07-2026 1335I saw a white girl down town the other day and she had 5 black kids! I thought to myself how unlucky is that being raped 5 times.
Rape / Sexual Violence notbaldbob (1172) · 24-07-2026 2136My wife said to me yesterday "do you want to suck my tits?" I said "no, I don't eat anything that's been on the floor"
Wife Stickyagain 🥉 🥈 (1391) · 24-07-2026 1413I can't believe my wife has kicked me out just for measuring my penis. Just for the record, it reaches the back of her sister's throat.
Sex n Shit notbaldbob (1172) · 23-07-2026 1527My mates call me "polythene bag" I said "is that because I'm thin and flimsy?" They said "no, it's because you should be kept away from children"
Babies Stickyagain 🥉 🥈 (1391) · 22-07-2026 0933My mother-in-law bought a talking parrot, but she took it back a week later "This parrot hasn't said anything!" she complained. "I haven't had a fucking chance yet!" replied the parrot.
Sexist notbaldbob (1172) · 21-07-2026 1711I just saw a black guy running down the road with a Cape on I shouted, "Are you a Superhero?" He said, "No, I haven't paid for my haircut!"
Crime notbaldbob (1172) · 20-07-2026 0607I recently made a girl squirt for the first time. It was pepper spray, but still a result.
Rape / Sexual Violence theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥈 (2195) · 19-07-2026 1435Apparently, North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York, which is a bit scary. If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.
Silly notbaldbob (1172) · 17-07-2026 0728I took a girl back to my flat. "You haven't removed many bras have you?" she sighed. "What gave it away?" "The scissors, mainly."
Sex n Shit garry6291 (571) · 10-07-2026 091398 days ago I found a centipede in my garden, and I've been slowly torturing it ever since. It's on its last legs now.
Animals theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥈 (2195) · 07-08-2026 0807My wife has learning difficulties. She's a woman.
Sexist theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥈 (2195) · 05-08-2026 1954A woman who stabbed 4 men in Covent Garden has been arrested, with Police saying she was mentally ill. So she was a Muslim?
In The News ianwatkins 🥉 (1843) · 05-08-2026 1813How many policemen does it take to push a nigger down the stairs? None he fell.
Racist Joeydeaconsbastard (1005) · 04-08-2026 2113I said to the chemist "can I have some Viagra please" He said "have you got a prescription?" I said "no, but here's a picture of my wife"
Sex n Shit Stickyagain 🥉 🥈 (1391) · 03-08-2026 1152Harry and Meghan sailed around a remote island during a secret trip to Scotland. But not quite secret enough to avoid publicity photos.
Celebrities ponga (251) · 02-08-2026 1253My wife went mental last night when i shouted out somebody else's name during sex. "Who the fuck is Dave?" she asked.
Sex n Shit garry6291 (571) · 30-07-2026 0830'Alpacin Caffeine shampoo, German engineering for your hair' Anyone else concerned about trusting German shower products?
Political notbaldbob (1172) · 28-07-2026 0635The Jodrell Bank Observatory, which can see billions of light years into space, has lost its funding and could now close. Strange how they didn't see that coming...
Blind/Partially Sighted ianwatkins 🥉 (1843) · 27-07-2026 1831I walked into work this morning and my boss told me to have good day. So I turned around, walked back out and fucked off to the pub with my mates.
Work/Workplace notbaldbob (1172) · 27-07-2026 1746Just got back from wine- tasting in Bordeaux Must say, this year's Claret has a rather smoky finish
In The News LennysCrevasse (695) · 27-07-2026 1621During sex with the wife, I suddenly stopped and didn't move. She said, "What are you doing?" And I said " I saw this on Pornhub, it's called buffering."
Sex n Shit notbaldbob (1172) · 26-07-2026 1654Marriage, because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Marriage / Wedding notbaldbob (1172) · 26-07-2026 1312A sign above the door where I work says "Once you go black you never come back". You've got to have a sense of humour in the crematorium.
Death notbaldbob (1172) · 26-07-2026 1118My wife wanted to feel like she was on Love Island. So I invited a bunch of spastics round and blew up the inflatable paddling pool.
Wife WayOutWest (419) · 21-07-2026 1827My wife walked in on me fucking a girl at work up the arse. She screamed "you can't do this to me!" I said "I know, that's why I'm doing it to her! "
Wife Stickyagain 🥉 🥈 (1391) · 21-07-2026 0900I accidentally swallowed a load of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Silly Allobosca 🥇 (2375) · 20-07-2026 1350My therapist told me I need to stop imagining scenarios. I don't have a therapist.
Self Deprecating innit (580) · 20-07-2026 0949Someone keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off. I think I'm being stalked.
General Squeaky (1470) · 18-07-2026 0900The British people who live on the Falkland Islands are an 'artificially transplanted population' Argentina's white president Javier Milei angrily declares in Spanish.
In The News Hengist (479) · 16-07-2026 0959Q. What's better than winning a world cup? A. Winning a war Fuck you Argentina
Sports Stickyagain 🥉 🥈 (1391) · 16-07-2026 0728All women are bi. It's just a matter of figuring out whether she's bipolar or bisexual.
Sex n Shit innit (580) · 15-07-2026 0716I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
It's no wonder our politicians don't prosecute or deport illegal immigrants, grooming gangs, etc. They have far more pressing matters to address, like going through a long legal process in order to cancel the execution of a woman who was hanged for murder seventy years ago.
Political scotty (310) · 09-07-2026 1525I walked past a homeless guy in a doorway and dropped a few quid in his cup. A passerby said "you shouldn't give them money, some of them have their own homes" I said "not this one, I evicted him last week"
Homeless / Bum Stickyagain 🥉 🥈 (1391) · 07-08-2026 0925At the Library today I asked if they had any books on childbirth. The Librarian said “Try over there in the C section”.
Doctor/Nurse/Medical Baldlice (112) · 02-08-2026 2108I finally quit drinking for good. Now, I drink FOR EVIL 😈 🍸
Alcohol/Drugs supergalley 🥇 🥉 (1415) · 31-07-2026 1610My sister just announced that she's pregnant by her boyfriend, Leroy. Well I'll be a monkey's uncle!
Racist theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥈 (2195) · 31-07-2026 1432The suspect in the Berlin terrorist attack was shot in a allotment…do you think he was a plant
In The News HaveIGotnews (49) · 27-07-2026 1034The first thing I thought when I woke up today was, 'Thank God I'm not Iranian.' Not because of the war over there, I'm just racist.
Racist theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥈 (2195) · 26-07-2026 2153Some of the fucking weird shit parents say in the school WhatsApp group. “Why are you in here? You don’t even have a kid.”
Pedophile WayOutWest (419) · 25-07-2026 1715My dad’s always been fascinated by our family history, so I bought him a DNA ancestry test for his birthday. He must have thought it was a shit present. He hasn’t spoken to me since. Or Mum, oddly.
Wife WayOutWest (419) · 24-07-2026 0558Congratulations to Amy Winehouse. Fifteen years sober today.
Celebrities supergalley 🥇 🥉 (1415) · 23-07-2026 1236I've heard that supermarkets secretly waft the smell of their .bakery around the store to encourage you to buy bread. I can only come to the conclusion that my local paki shop is trying to sell more toilet rolls.
Racist notbaldbob (1172) · 21-07-2026 0616Massive congratulations to Andy Burnham who today takes office as Britain's last Labour Prime Minister!
Political Hengist (479) · 20-07-2026 0535My mate went to get a tattoo of an Indian on his back. Half way through he said, "Don't forget to put a big tomahawk in his hand." The tattooist said "For fuck sake, give us a chance mate, I've only just finished his turban!"
General notbaldbob (1172) · 16-07-2026 1353I've been watching so much porn lately, I've started spitting on my front door lock before I put the key in
Sex n Shit notbaldbob (1172) · 16-07-2026 1348I phoned the Alcoholic Helpline. "So," I asked, "how do you make a mojito?"
Alcohol/Drugs Stallion (1597) · 11-07-2026 0735If I could go back in time I'd kill Hitler. Right after I raped Marilyn Monroe.
Celebrities ianwatkins 🥉 (1843) · 11-07-2026 0222I had a goldfish that could breakdance on the carpet. Only for like 20 seconds. And only once.
Silly notbaldbob (1172) · 10-07-2026 1054When does an Italian woman allow you to piss on her face? When her moustache is on fire.
Racist Squeaky (1470) · 06-08-2026 0905Jokes about incest, child abuse and suicide are not funny. My daughter died that way.
Rape / Sexual Violence Joeydeaconsbastard (1005) · 05-08-2026 2145The police stopped me last night as I was driving home. They said "have you had a drink tonight?" I said yes, 6 pints of Guinness, four whiskey chasers, and a few sambuca shots" They said "blow into this please" I said "what for, don't you believe me?"
Motoring Stickyagain 🥉 🥈 (1391) · 03-08-2026 1815I have to say, I was disappointed by the efforts made this year to mark International Women's Day. My local strip club only had a couple of foreign birds on, and frankly their tits were nothing to write home about.
Sexist theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥈 (2195) · 02-08-2026 1242Little Johnny runs to his mum shouting "Mummy Mummy daddy has hanged himself in the basement". His breaks down in tears goes down to the basement and daddy is no where to be seen. Little Johnny starts laughing and says to her. "Gotcha..... he did it in the garage ".
Death Joeydeaconsbastard (1005) · 31-07-2026 1037The first-aid instructor told us to practise mouth-to-mouth. I thought the five-minute struggle meant I was doing it properly. Then she pointed at the mannequin.
Silly WayOutWest (419) · 29-07-2026 2112Renault 5 - what's yours called? Mine's called Meghan Markle. It's black, unreliable and costs a fortune to run! (Apparently, disposing of it would lose a small fortune!)
jjbomber (83) · 28-07-2026 1438My grandad was tortured by the Japanese during the war. They cut his tongue out. But he never talked about it.
Dark Stickyagain 🥉 🥈 (1391) · 28-07-2026 0714Whaddaya call a woman with one leg shorter than the other? Eileen. Whaddaya call a Japanese woman with one leg shorter than the other? Irene. (credit: the school playground, yonks ago)
theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥈 (2195) · 25-07-2026 0916A teacher says to her class, "can anyone give me a .sentence with the word dandelion in it". A little Jamaican lad puts up his hand. "Yes Desmond" says the teacher. "Da cheetah is faster dandelion miss".
Silly notbaldbob (1172) · 24-07-2026 2120Those birthing pools are quite popular in China nowadays. They make the whole childbirth experience much more relaxed and natural, plus they're really handy if the baby turns out to be a girl.
Dark theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥈 (2195) · 24-07-2026 2102Teacher says to little Jonny, "There are twenty birds on a wall. The farmer shoots six of them. How many are left?" "None miss", he says "Explain?", replies the teacher "Well, he fires the gun. The noise scares them so they all fly away" The teacher is impressed and says, "That's not the right answer but I like the way you think" After the lesson, little Jonny approaches the teacher and asks her a question: "Miss, there are three women each eating an ice-lolly. One is sucking theirs, one is biting and the other one is licking - which one is married?" "Ermmm, I suppose the one who is, errr, sucking?" "No it's the one with the ring on her finger - but I like the way you think"
A Muslim lady was denied entrance into McDonalds today until she removes her hijab. Should have gone to Burka king.
Muslim notbaldbob (1172) · 23-07-2026 0531I used to think my GP had bad handwriting. Then I fed it through Google Lens. Turns out it's in Arabic.
Pakistani innit (580) · 23-07-2026 0150I call my wife Bambi. She thinks its because she's cute with big brown eyes. Actually it's because I would like someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle.
Marriage / Wedding notbaldbob (1172) · 22-07-2026 0557Air travel is the safest form of transport. Safer than driving? Yes. Safer than the train? Yes. Safer than taking a coach? Yes. Safer than riding a bicycle? Yes. Safer than walking? Yes. Alright. But you've still got to get to the fucking airport haven't you?
Aviation ianwatkins 🥉 (1843) · 20-07-2026 2137I ran out of toilet paper earlier, so I had to say 'Goodbye Socks!' It was a daft name for a hamster anyway.
Animals theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥈 (2195) · 19-07-2026 1655I was out on the town last night and I ended up staggering about the place, bouncing off the walls and throwing up all over myself. I reckon some fucker must've spiked my 15th pint.
Alcohol/Drugs theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥈 (2195) · 19-07-2026 1436I was sitting in the pub doing a Crossword when I turned to my Scottish mate and said.."I'm stuck on one.. Stranded On An Island, eight letters." "Marooned" He said. "About fucking time" I replied. "I'll have a lager."
Silly notbaldbob (1172) · 17-07-2026 0818What does a Scouse bird use for sexual protection? A bus shelter
Scousers Irishstu (117) · 16-07-2026 1941As I pointed the gun at my wife’s face I said, “Any last words?” Three hours later, I shot her.
Wife notbaldbob (1172) · 16-07-2026 0537Simply put a % sign after your age to see how dead you are.
Death notbaldbob (1172) · 15-07-2026 0533I walked into the book shop and said to the girl behind the counter. "I'm looking for a book by Shakespeare". "Which one?", she asked. "William you thick cunt"!
I was chatting with an off duty police officer at a bar in New York. "I'll never forget nine eleven" he said, while staring mournfully into his whisky. "I should hope not! It's your feckin phone number!"
Aviation OkiPaul (142) · 12-07-2026 0203You've got to hand it to Tom Cruise... Otherwise he'd never be able to reach it in the first place
Ann Widdecombe has been murdered. I think we can safely rule out a jealous lover.
Murder/Death/Killing scotty (310) · 10-07-2026 1705The death penalty for terrorists is being discussed in parliament and the house of lords again. Those suicide bombers must be shitting themselves.
Death notbaldbob (1172) · 10-07-2026 1050My wife said she's leaving me because I'm an annoying cunt. I almost choked on my vuvuzela...
I got into a lift in London, only to find there were half a dozen black youths in it. When the doors closed the one nearest the panel said, 'Yo, what button you want me to push, white boy?' I replied, 'The one with the bell on it, please.'
Racist theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥈 (2195) · 07-08-2026 0915My 14-year-old daughter came out of her room in a top and shorts that left little to the imagination. I said, 'And where do you think you're going dressed like that, young lady?' 'I'm going down the park with my mates, and you can't stop me!' 'The hell you are! Go to your room and take those off right now!' 'Up yours, Dad! I'm not having you tell me I can only go out if I get changed into something you approve of, you old prude!' 'I don't recall saying anything about getting changed into something else.'
Incest theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥈 (2195) · 07-08-2026 0913Why's a 16 year old like a five pound note? They're both legal and they're both tender.
Adult ianwatkins 🥉 (1843) · 07-08-2026 0625It's a bit cloudy today. I should see a urologist.
Doctor/Nurse/Medical ianwatkins 🥉 (1843) · 06-08-2026 1921I'm a producer for the BBC. I don't work there, I just have eight kids.
Pedophile theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥈 (2195) · 06-08-2026 1529If you're ever attacked by a bear, simply lie down and play dead. It's good practice for what's coming next.
Death theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥈 (2195) · 06-08-2026 1321"Grasshopper, when you can snatch the pebble from my hand, it will be time for you to lea....." "Bastard......best of three?"
Adult garry6291 (571) · 05-08-2026 1555I phoned my mate to ask if he thought it's okay to wank over my ex-wife. "Sure," he said. "It's not as if she'll ever know." "She might," I replied. "I mean, she's asleep at the moment, but...." "You mean you're actually in her room?" he said, shaken. "Christ mate, she'd better not wake up!!" Great. I was already feeling guilty about the wank, now he tells me I've got to kill her as well.
Murder/Death/Killing scotty (310) · 04-08-2026 1217Two vultures are eating Bill Oddie. On says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
Celebrities ianwatkins 🥉 (1843) · 27-07-2026 2222Sixteen- and seventeen-year-olds may be given a midnight social-media curfew. Good. It’s unhealthy for them to be awake at 2am blocking me.
In The News WayOutWest (419) · 27-07-2026 1840Stood at the bus stop next to a man with one arm and he was wearing is watch on his stump. So being the nosy cunt I am I said "How come you don't wear your watch on your good arm"? And he replied "Well how the fuck would I be able to wind it up".
Accidents/Injuries Joeydeaconsbastard (1005) · 27-07-2026 1834Did you know that anal sex is still illegal in Iceland? Not sure if its the same in Tesco's so be careful.
Sex n Shit notbaldbob (1172) · 27-07-2026 1834A ship was wrecked and the only survivor was a man and his dog . After weeks at sea, the man was starving so he killed and ate the dog. As he sat in the lifeboat staring at a pile of bones, he thought "Rover would have loved those"
Silly Stickyagain 🥉 🥈 (1391) · 27-07-2026 0838I saw a hearse today. The wreath said "Dad" They missed the e out.
Death Stickyagain 🥉 🥈 (1391) · 26-07-2026 1901If you refuse to pay your TV licence, you can be sent to prison. Where, ironically, you'll get plenty of free BBC.
Jail/Prison notbaldbob (1172) · 26-07-2026 1707A coffee enema is supposed to be really good for your liver. Pro tip: leave it to cool down a bit first.
Accidents/Injuries theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥈 (2195) · 26-07-2026 1510I bought some IKEA furniture yesterday. Strange… nowhere in the instructions did it say, “Tell your wife to fuck off and leave you alone.”
Marriage / Wedding WayOutWest (419) · 25-07-2026 2044I coughed up a bit of phlegm and sneezed at the same time. Then a scouser appeared and said "Not bad mate, how are you?"
I went into my bank yesterday. The girl on the desk had a badge on that said "Pat" Long story short, I do all my banking on line now
Stickyagain 🥉 🥈 (1391) · 24-07-2026 2245My wife and I were discussing future space tourism and what it might be like to live somewhere with no atmosphere. Whilst in Milton Keynes…
Marriage / Wedding WayOutWest (419) · 24-07-2026 2236I've just become the leap frog world record holder On the down side I'm now banned from entering any mosques.
Religion notbaldbob (1172) · 24-07-2026 2127I had a very difficult childhood. My mum died when she was 12 and my dad was a peadophile.
Dark Stickyagain 🥉 🥈 (1391) · 23-07-2026 0818Not an original. Heard it somewhere. Boy said to his mate "Walked past your house earlier. Your mum reminds me of a bond girl." "Very funny don't tell me Pussy Galore" "No but funnily enough she was On A Blackman"
Wordplay Gingerpubes (140) · 22-07-2026 1909Madeleine McCann's younger brother, 21, is to swim for Scotland at the Commonwealth Games. His parents will not be attending as they have a dinner engagement.
Sports ponga (251) · 22-07-2026 0443I must say I am a bit concerned about the rise in political violence in Britain. That's three politicians murdered since 2016. We're starting to look like some dysfunctional third world country like South Sudan or the United States.
Murder/Death/Killing Hengist (479) · 21-07-2026 1746"Woman to milk 10,000 cows in 10 days for farming charity" In pre-mechanised times that skill would be transferable in a Bonnie Blue context.
Sex n Shit nausicaa (92) · 20-07-2026 1120Scientists in China have successfully cloned two macaque monkeys It's quite impossible to tell them apart , said one of the monkeys.
Racist notbaldbob (1172) · 20-07-2026 0604So North Korea now has a nuclear bomb delivery system that could hit New York City. That's a fucking long bike ride, mind.
Racist theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥈 (2195) · 19-07-2026 1244After studying semaphore all morning,I started flagging in the afternoon.
General Squeaky (1470) · 19-07-2026 0855Whenever I see a black guy walking towards me, I instinctively put my hand on my wallet. Then I remember you can't buy them any more.
Crime Stickyagain 🥉 🥈 (1391) · 18-07-2026 1233Our teenage son has turned into a complete nightmare.Drink,drugs,shoplifting and fighting. Last night my wife answered the door and two policeman were there. This time it was good news. He was dead.
General Squeaky (1470) · 17-07-2026 0829I've just bought myself a new motor and its going to be a proper fanny magnet. All I've got to do now is stock it with ice-creams.
General notbaldbob (1172) · 16-07-2026 0952' Tell me something dangerous you did as a child, ' my wife asked. ' Wrote a letter to Jim'll Fix It, ' I replied.
General Squeaky (1470) · 16-07-2026 0855Why are there no Chinese paedophiles? Because when you offer a Chinese kid a puppy they say "No thanks, I'm not hungry."
England's hopes sank fast in the match against Argentina... ...still, I can think of something that sank faster
Boats Hengist (479) · 15-07-2026 2055I looked up my family tree online. Turns out my great great great great great Grandad was a slave trader in the 19th Century. Quite a lucrative occupation, it seems. He was on a six nigger salary.
theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥈 (2195) · 15-07-2026 1718My friend gave me an elephant for my room. ' Thank you, ' I said. ' Don't mention it, ' he replied.
General Squeaky (1470) · 15-07-2026 0958I was in Glasgow and walked past a building that said it was a "battered women's Centre" Fuck me, those Scots will deep fry anything.
Domestic Violence/Woman Beating Stickyagain 🥉 🥈 (1391) · 15-07-2026 0759Never trust anyone who can spell gonnorhea correctly on the first attempt.
Sex n Shit innit (580) · 15-07-2026 0737"Is that a metal pole in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?" - Anne Widdecombe, 2026
Celebrities Hengist (479) · 14-07-2026 1707If online bullying has taught us anything it's that some kids would rather kill themselves than lose a bit of weight...
My rap name is 50 pence. I'm a lot like 50 cents, just a bit more edgy...
Got thrown out of an orgy in Norfolk. I wasn't related.
Incest Joeydeaconsbastard (1005) · 10-07-2026 2301A passenger on a Ryanair flight was reportedly almost sucked out of a window during a journey from Greece. A spokesman for the airline said there is a £15 surcharge to sit by a window with a pane in it.
Aviation theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥈 (2195) · 10-07-2026 1531"You treat me like a dog," said my wife."I want us to sit down and talk about it." "OK," I replied, "but not on the couch."
Wife Stallion (1597) · 10-07-2026 1130I went to a fetish restaurant last night. I got toed in the hole.
Wordplay notbaldbob (1172) · 10-07-2026 0917My wife found out I'd been masturbating to some strange types of porn. She said, "Come on, let's hear how filthy you are. What kind was it?" I said, "I'll give you a clue. It rhymes with 'plastics'." "Gymnastics!" she screamed, "Typical fucking man!" At this point I decided not to correct her.
Masturbation notbaldbob (1172) · 10-07-2026 0911I want my kids to have everything I never had. Unfortunately for them, I never had an abusive father.
Incest theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥈 (2195) · 06-08-2026 1647I was scrolling through some disgusting child abuse videos on the dark web and I thought "this is great, no ads"
Babies Stickyagain 🥉 🥈 (1391) · 05-08-2026 1054Why do niggers never play hide and seek. Because nobody would look for them.
Racist Squeaky (1470) · 05-08-2026 0930How do Welsh people find their sheep in very tall grass? Absolutely irresistible
Animals supergalley 🥇 🥉 (1415) · 05-08-2026 0705I saw an old mate in the pub. I said "how are things?" He said"great, my business has just floated" I said "oh, have you tried eating more fiber?"
Doctor/Nurse/Medical Stickyagain 🥉 🥈 (1391) · 02-08-2026 1503After years of trying I finally managed to contact my father through a psychic medium. ' Is that really you Dad? ' ' Yes,son. ' ' I'll just put your mother on. '
General Squeaky (1470) · 02-08-2026 0754I dumped my new girlfriend when she told me she’d slept with a Brazilian. I don’t know how many a Brazilian is, but it sounds like a lot.
Silly WayOutWest (419) · 31-07-2026 1832Showbiz news: Boy George pulls out of Jesus Christ Superstar. You'd think someone of his age and persuasion would have the good sense to rubber up.
AIDS theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥈 (2195) · 31-07-2026 1443A British army sniper was asked what he felt when shooting terrorists. He replied, "Recoil."
Muslim Stallion (1597) · 30-07-2026 1601Whenever I give blood, I get asked awkward questions. Like: who's is it? where did you get it and why is it in a jug?
Wholesome Stickyagain 🥉 🥈 (1391) · 28-07-2026 1519On a holiday in Johannesburg I got talking to a liberal hippie chick in a late night bar. She told me that, as a traveler, I needed to embrace the indigenous culture. So I raped her and stole her purse!
Racist DdraigGoch (659) · 28-07-2026 0956My GP asked whether I had a support network. I gave him the password to next door’s Wi-Fi.
Silly WayOutWest (419) · 27-07-2026 1905My grandad had Parkinson's disease. He could never stop interviewing people.
Did you hear about the maths teacher with constipation? He worked it out with a pencil.
The school receptionist asked who I was there to collect. I panicked and said, “Any.”
Pedophile WayOutWest (419) · 26-07-2026 1741I would've gone to Parents' Night at the local primary school yesterday, but I pulled out at the last minute. About six years ago.
Sex n Shit theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥈 (2195) · 26-07-2026 1223What do you call a Chinese woman with a food mixer on her head? Blenda
What's black and comes in thirteens? R Kelly.
Pedophile theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥈 (2195) · 25-07-2026 0904'What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.' Not a good defence to use when you're up in court for molesting your stepkids, though.
Pedophile theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥈 (2195) · 24-07-2026 1454My wife is so fat, when she pulls her knickers down, her arse is still in them.
Wife Stickyagain 🥉 🥈 (1391) · 24-07-2026 1412I introduced my new black girlfriend to my slightly deaf grandfather. "She's Annika," I said. "Yes, I can see that," he replied.
Racist notbaldbob (1172) · 24-07-2026 1007Tried that new Korean restaurant in town last night. The food was pretty good, but I really wish I hadn't asked for a doggy bag.
Racist theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥈 (2195) · 24-07-2026 0448My wife was diagnosed with breast cancer and the doctor said she had to have a double mastectomy, so I went on-line to see if there was an alternative. Susan, 31, is only 5 miles from me looks a good one.
Cancer notbaldbob (1172) · 23-07-2026 1902I went into the bakers and said "is that a cheesecake or a meragnue?" The baker said "you're not wrong, it's a cheesecake"
Fat / Obesity Stickyagain 🥉 🥈 (1391) · 23-07-2026 1654Black children are almost 3.5 times more likely to die after surgery as white children, according to the latest study to show clear disparities in medical care between black and white patients. To be fair, they're much more likely to be in hospital because of gunshot wounds.
Racist supergalley 🥇 🥉 (1415) · 23-07-2026 1239Fucking Korean chefs. They make a dog's dinner of everything
Animals LennysCrevasse (695) · 23-07-2026 1118My wife is in hospital after being beaten up for using the 'N' word. Next time I ask for a beer from the fridge, she had better use the 'Y' word.
Marriage / Wedding notbaldbob (1172) · 22-07-2026 1652I didn't have Ann Widdecombe down as a heavy drinker. But the night she was killed, she got absolutely hammered.
Murder/Death/Killing scotty (310) · 21-07-2026 1815Rowan Atkinson's next film role is to play a comical character who is unable to satisfy his wife. 'Missed her Bean' is showing in cinemas from Friday.
Silly notbaldbob (1172) · 21-07-2026 1708The last time King Charles mentioned Andy Burnham, he was advising his brother on what to do with his "Gentleman's Magazine Collection"........
Epstein Enquiry Slapster (10) · 21-07-2026 1054What do the World Cup and the 2nd World War have in common? When its over the losers fly to Argentina.
Baldlice (112) · 20-07-2026 1323can't believe the number of fucking foreigners coming to live in this country. If I'd have known this thirty years ago, I would have stayed in Pakistan.
Pakistani notbaldbob (1172) · 19-07-2026 1102I was sat minding my own business when some girl comes up to me and says "Excuse me. How do you spell Apple?" "Apple?" I said. "That's one of the easiest words in the English language! My God, you must be absolutely thick as shit! Fuck me. How old are you?" "Four" she said, crying. Anyway long story short,i just wasn't cut out to be a nursery teacher.
Long Story garry6291 (571) · 19-07-2026 0951I'm really good at my job weeding out fraudsters at the benefit office. Just yesterday this woman came in with her son, who was in a wheelchair. "He can't walk. He needs to be spoon-fed. I need help getting him in and out the shower..." she said. I looked at the boy skeptically and made a few notes. "How old is he?" I asked her, smiling reasuringly. "He's nine," the woman said. "And he is incapable of moving independently?" I asked, scribbling in my notebook. "He has severely impaired motor-skills which mean he finds it impossible to perform tasks like dressing or eating by himself. He needs full-time care." "I see," I said, examining the boy from different angles and continuing to take notes. "And is his condition neurological or is it a muscular degenerative condition?" "He has cerebral palsey so it is neurological," his mother replied. I nodded. "And has his condition manifested recently or has he always been a retard?" I asked. "My son is not a retard!" the woman shouted furiously. "I fucking knew it!" I said.
Disability Hengist (479) · 19-07-2026 0712A woman walks into a pharmacy. "I have a headache," she says. "Do you have anything to cure a headache?" "Paracetamol," says the pharmacist. "And I have a sore throat," the woman says. "Do you have anything to cure a sore throat?" "Paracetamol," says the pharmacist. "And I just feel so unhappy all the time," she says. "Do you have anything that cures depression?" "Paracetamol," says the pharmacist. "Paracetamol cures depression?" the woman asks. "If you take enough of it, it does."
Suicide Hengist (479) · 18-07-2026 2244Air passenger 'invokes Sharia law' to avoid sitting next to a woman. Thank fuck the pilot wasn't gay.
Muslim ponga (251) · 18-07-2026 0721Its always flattering when someone says "You've got a nice bum" Except when you're having a prostate examination.
Doctor/Nurse/Medical notbaldbob (1172) · 17-07-2026 0805My wife hates it when I hold the door open for her. She says "why can't I just have a shit in peace"
Wife Stickyagain 🥉 🥈 (1391) · 17-07-2026 0745There isn't much to be said for being a Russian infantyman but at least you're practically guaranteed a job for life
Work/Workplace Hengist (479) · 17-07-2026 0704I left the house this morning to be greeted by a huge, wet dogshit in the middle of my beautiful lawn. I was going to scoop it up and post it through the door of the local mosque, but the smell was too much for me. I couldn't get near the place.
Muslim notbaldbob (1172) · 16-07-2026 1428Just found out that cock fighting is done with chickens..... That was 8 months of training fucking wasted.
Dumb/Thick notbaldbob (1172) · 15-07-2026 1332How do you torture a homosexual? Throw him into a bottomless pit!
'If we die, we die together': Wife who held on to her husband's legs after he was sucked out of Ryanair jet window at 20,000ft describes battle to save him. My wife would have been pushing.
Aviation ponga (251) · 14-07-2026 0153I was flying with Ryanair when suddenly there was a violent cabin depressurization. The oxygen masks were deployed. I put mine on, but there was no oxygen! In a panic, I grabbed a cabin attendant. "NO OXYGEN!" I shouted. "IT'S COIN OPERATED", she replied.
Aviation OkiPaul (142) · 14-07-2026 0100My wife said she wanted to try something new in the bedroom. Excitedly I asked "what do you want to do, make me wear slutty lingerie? Fuck me with a strapon? Piss in my mouth??" She said "No. Oak wardrobes."
Sex n Shit ianwatkins 🥉 (1843) · 12-07-2026 2053My partner was confused and irritated when I ordered 20 desks and a blackboard for our flat. I just wanted to make the place a bit more classy.
Wordplay WayOutWest (419) · 12-07-2026 1229Jack and Jill went up the hill to get some chips and sweeties. Jack can't keep his cholesterol down and Jill's got diabetes
"Short back and sides," said Tom Cruise. "Indeed," replied the barber. "How do you want your hair cut?"
I'm not saying my niece is fat, but she's started to get a tan off the little lamp in the 'fridge!
Fat / Obesity DdraigGoch (659) · 10-07-2026 1420Winston goes to church and the vicar says "What's wrong my son?" Winston says "I want you to pray for my hearing". The vicar puts his hands on Winston's ears and prays hard for ten minutes. "So how is your hearing?" asks the vicar. "I don't know", says Winston, "it isn't until next Wednesday".
Racist notbaldbob (1172) · 10-07-2026 1009What bounces and makes children cry? My cheque to children in need.
I said to the vicar, "Hello father. This is a lovely church. Can you tell me what period it's from please?" He said, "it's Norman". I said, "Sorry Norman. This is a lovely church, can you tell me what period it's from please?"
Large Kebab £7.00 Your Only Fans £9.99 Why would I pay more to look at the same thing without chips and a can of coke???
Went dogging last night,never again. When I got home my car was like a painter's radio.
Sex n Shit Squeaky (1470) · 07-08-2026 0811Top Ugandan footballer killed by teen muggers armed with paving stones. 'On me 'ead, son!'
Football theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥈 (2195) · 07-08-2026 0157If you're ever attacked by a bear, simply lie down and play dead. If you’re not sure how to do this, here is a demonstration video of my ex-girlfriend during sex.
Why do I have to prove who I am when paying a bill? Do random people try paying my bills, and if so, why don't you let them?
General Stallion (1597) · 06-08-2026 0659I saw a bloke on crutches today, wearing a camouflage suit. I thought "you can hide, but you can't run"
Butler: "Sir your daughter's just had a baby" Andrew Windsor: "Ah about time. Chip off the old block"
Pedophile LennysCrevasse (695) · 05-08-2026 1144Someone asked me if I've ever tried to commit suicide. I replied "Loads of times but has you can see I'm not very good at it".
Suicide Joeydeaconsbastard (1005) · 04-08-2026 2140Lloyds of London once claimed to be the world's largest insurance company. The claim was later dismissed, along with all the others.
Work/Workplace Stickyagain 🥉 🥈 (1391) · 03-08-2026 2039Do you want to play Hyde and Sikh? It’s like normal hide and seek but I turn in to a monster then stab you to death with a kirpan.
Dogpad (81) · 03-08-2026 1836My wife said our relationship was becoming stale and boring. I nearly dropped a stitch.
Silly WayOutWest (419) · 02-08-2026 1948My Vietnamese neighbour's son was throwing a ball for his dog. His mum shouted at him, "How many times have I told you to stop playing with your food?"
Racist Stallion (1597) · 02-08-2026 1251I take after my mother, except for the whole penis thing. I can take them or leave them, she's mad about them.
If Buck Rogers was remade today, which black actor would play Buck Rogers?
TV & Movies madgringo (47) · 31-07-2026 1922A young lad comes downstairs one morning to see his mum breast feeding his baby brother. "what are you doing mum?" he asked. "I'm giving your brother his breakfast" she said The kid said "fuck off, he'll never eat all that"
Babies Stickyagain 🥉 🥈 (1391) · 31-07-2026 1159I hate solicitors and don't understand the law, it's so complicated. My next door neighbours have a large tree. Their 10 year old kid climbed the tree, fell out and got impaled on my fence post. Now, apparently, I have to get solicitors involved. . . . . . . If I want to keep my half of the body!
The puppeteer behind Zippy on kids' TV show Rainbow has died of cancer. Zippy himself died a lingering death from starvation, when his zipper broke off in the closed position.
Silly theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥈 (2195) · 28-07-2026 1637A dyslexic friend of mine thought it might help his condition if he joined a poetry club. He hasn't come out with any poems yet, but he's made some pretty nice jugs and vases and stuff.
Wordplay notbaldbob (1172) · 28-07-2026 0731“Kids, listen very carefully to me, never ever talk to or get into a strangers car. Do you all understand me?” “Yea daddy. But why?” “I’ll have to explain later darling, Abdul from Uber is waiting for us outside now.”
Muslim Cockwomble (93) · 27-07-2026 2002I just had an argument with my 5 year old about the importance of wearing pants in public. She won, so today I’m wearing pants to take her to school.
Today 64 muslims died in Bradford, it was not a terrorist attack. A bunk bed collapsed. Police are blaming Al Ikea.
Muslim notbaldbob (1172) · 27-07-2026 1831I used to go out with an English teacher, but she dumped me. She didn't approve of my improper use of the colon.
Sex n Shit notbaldbob (1172) · 27-07-2026 0634Fucking hell this website has got more colours than my cock before the antibiotics kicked in But still fewer than Bradford
General LennysCrevasse (695) · 26-07-2026 1156There are no bad dogs, just bad cooks. ~Old Korean proverb.
Animals notbaldbob (1172) · 26-07-2026 0741How to get rid of crabs: 1. shave one testicle so they all move over to the other one. 2. Set the hair on that testicle on fire so they all jump back to the shaved one. 3. As they jump back, stab each one with an ice pick.
"Keep your eyes on the road, and your hands upon the wheel". Solid advice for motorists. Disastrous advice for motorcyclists.
I'm a huge fan of Roman Polanski. I've heard some of his films are pretty good, too.
Pedophile theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥈 (2195) · 24-07-2026 1435I've been dating a homeless girl for a while now, it's going really well. I'm thinking about moving out with her.
Homeless / Bum notbaldbob (1172) · 24-07-2026 0539I tried the new vegan Korean food. I think Not Poodle could catch on
I went to the best ever burger van today, It was so good, it had 4 Michelin tyres.
Silly notbaldbob (1172) · 23-07-2026 1809When my Korean friend invited me round for dinner, I thought wow he's gone vegetarian. I couldn't have been more wrong He was actually cooking Mutt Roast
Racist LennysCrevasse (695) · 23-07-2026 1738"Dad, on my way home from school I saw Santa beating a Pakistani man up outside a shop. " "Well son, I don't know what to say to you, I'm shocked. " "So am I dad, I only posted the letter yesterday. "
Racist notbaldbob (1172) · 23-07-2026 1522A woman was worried her elderly little dog was going deaf. So she took it to the vet. "Don't worry, Mrs Smith, it's just a build up of matted hair in its ears. I can give you a prescription, or just simply go to the pharmacist and ask for 'Hairaway'. That's a cheaper option." The woman thanks the vet and goes to the pharmacy. She takes the Hairaway to the counter. The pharmacist says "This is strong stuff. If it's for your armpits, don't use deodorant for two days." "No, it's not for that." "I see. Then if it's for your legs, don't wear trousers for a week." "No, it's not for that. It's for my Schnauzer." "In that case, don't ride your bicycle for a month."
OkiPaul (142) · 23-07-2026 0511Two candles were talking, one said "what are you doing tonight?" The other said, "dunno, might go out"
Dad Jokes Stickyagain 🥉 🥈 (1391) · 22-07-2026 1856My wife has just given birth to a baby boy... 10 pounds. Or nearest offer. I need the money for drugs.
Babies notbaldbob (1172) · 22-07-2026 1643Paddy the tenant: I've lost me feckin mailbox key Murphy the landlord: Not a problem. I'll get ye a new one 2 weeks later Paddy the tenant: Murphy still no sign of dat key Murphy the landlord: It's in the post
Silly LennysCrevasse (695) · 21-07-2026 1009I always have a picture of my wife and kids in the front of my wallet. It reminds me why there is fuck all in it.
General Squeaky (1470) · 21-07-2026 0828The BBC’s profile of Andy Burnham is so fawning, Japanese television had to pixelate it.
Political WayOutWest (419) · 20-07-2026 0555One time years ago, I was out on the town and I ended up pulling this cougar twice my age. We went back to her place and did everything - all the positions, kinky stuff, the lot. All in all, I had a cracking night out for my 46th.
Sex n Shit theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥈 (2195) · 19-07-2026 2023My wife does NOT have Tourettes, I really am a fucking cunt.
Disability Stickyagain 🥉 🥈 (1391) · 19-07-2026 1304White House confirms Donald Trump will attend the World Cup Final this Sunday. FIFA must have agreed to award him Man of the Match.
Donald Trump theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥈 (2195) · 16-07-2026 2045What does a Scouse girl say after a good hard shag? "Thanks boys".
Scousers Joeydeaconsbastard (1005) · 16-07-2026 1841We were on a plane and the guy next to us started to be sick, so I got a paper bag ready. "Thanks", he said as I put it over my wife's head.
Marriage / Wedding notbaldbob (1172) · 15-07-2026 1023I walked into the takeaway and said "cod and chips twice" The bloke behind the counter said "I heard you the first time"
Asked my girlfriend if we could use toys in the bedroom. You should off seen her face when i put my scalelectrics set across her tits.
Sex n Shit Joeydeaconsbastard (1005) · 14-07-2026 2234Argentina have said that if England beat them in the World Cup, they will remove all the keys from every tin of corn beef in retaliation.
Football garry6291 (571) · 14-07-2026 2046My wife wanted to die surrounded by family. So I loosened the brakes before the school run.
Dark WayOutWest (419) · 14-07-2026 1700I was chasing a girl through the forest with a massive hard-on. I was so horny, it never occurred to me to ask why she had one.
Rape / Sexual Violence WayOutWest (419) · 14-07-2026 1640I took to animal cruelty like a duck to lighter fluid.
Animals theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥈 (2195) · 13-07-2026 2132"Doctor Doctor my nose wont stop bleeding" "Did you pick it" "No I was born with it you daft twat".
Silly Joeydeaconsbastard (1005) · 13-07-2026 2104Turns out, "How about ten quid?" is actually a pretty effective chat-up line in Liverpool.
Sex n Shit Irishstu (117) · 13-07-2026 2054They say that size doesn't matter. I've spent half an hour trying to get these shoes on.
General Squeaky (1470) · 13-07-2026 0944Man dies after falling from Eleventh Night bonfire in east Belfast. His family and friends paid tribute to him, saying 'He really was a great Guy.'
Wordplay theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥈 (2195) · 12-07-2026 1228What's brown and worth fuck all? Shamima Begum's passport...
Suspect one: white British. Suspect two: white British. Suspect three: ethnicity not relevant. Funny, that.
Death WayOutWest (419) · 12-07-2026 0929Muslims blow themselves up to go to paradise and get 72 virgins. I just hang around the primary school.
Pedophile Joeydeaconsbastard (1005) · 10-07-2026 2256"Hey dad - what do you call a nigger with no bones?" "Oh thats easy son, a fucking diving suit!"
Racist Bollockchops (44) · 10-07-2026 1801Ladies and gentlemen, despite the broken window there's no cause for alarm. It's only been broken by a bit of the engine falling off.
Aviation scotty (310) · 10-07-2026 1656So much has changed since my girlfriend told me we’re having a baby. For instance my name, address and telephone number!
Babies notbaldbob (1172) · 10-07-2026 1046The Bayeux Tapestry is not strictly accurate historically. The whole story has been embroidered. Typically, by the winners. Some say it was a stitch-up!
Silly Allobosca 🥇 (2375) · 10-07-2026 0807Me and the wife were arguing about tits. I'm telling her it doesn't matter, she says that it does... Long story short, I start my new diet tomorrow.
It is terrible how much class snobbery affects the way different people are judged for doing the same things. It's classy and impressive when the ninth viscount such-and-such shows off his collection of swords and armour to the English Heritage members touring his family's ancestral castle but when I show my social worker the large collection of machetes and Bowie knives I keep in my one bedroom council flat I get referred to the Prevent programme.
Murder/Death/Killing Hengist (479) · 07-08-2026 2239Katie Price is a keen swimmer, she said she likes to get as many lengths in as possible.
Stickyagain 🥉 🥈 (1391) · 07-08-2026 1401I was looking through dating site profiles, and I found this single mother. Her profile info said, 'So you know from the start, I'm a package deal. Love me, love my kids.' That's the plan...
Pedophile theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥈 (2195) · 06-08-2026 2125Some people say that that British prisons are 'like Butlin's camps with bars' nowadays. Come on, that's got to be an exaggeration. It can't be that bad inside.
Jail/Prison theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥈 (2195) · 06-08-2026 2012Two cigarettes are sitting in the pub. Another cigarette walks in and sits down. The one leans over to his mate and says, "Don't mess with him. He's menthol."
Wordplay Stallion (1597) · 06-08-2026 0735My wife said she wanted me to be more like Patrick Swayze in Ghost. It’s the reason I spend so much time online harassing Whoopi Goldberg.
Wife WayOutWest (419) · 05-08-2026 1941When I was young, my dad abused me really badly. The useless cunt couldn't even do that properly.
Pedophile Stickyagain 🥉 🥈 (1391) · 05-08-2026 1009I took this fat bird home last night but I was really struggling. Eventually I said "for fuck sake love, fart and give me a clue"
Fat / Obesity Stickyagain 🥉 🥈 (1391) · 03-08-2026 2147Former Sun journalist Rod Liddle has died aged 66 after a 66-year long illness
Death LennysCrevasse (695) · 03-08-2026 1427'It's not the size of the dog in the fight that matters, but the size of the fight in the dog.' Try telling that to my neighbour. She hasn't spoken to me since my Rottweiler jumped over the garden fence and bit her Yorkshire Terrier in half at the waist.
Animals theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥈 (2195) · 02-08-2026 1045I wouldn't say my missus was ugly but she came second in a Megan Fox look a like competition. Diane Abbott won it.
Wife Joeydeaconsbastard (1005) · 01-08-2026 1952I like to lie on my stomach so my cock gets numb. Then it feels like I'm giving someone else a wank.
Sex n Shit Joeydeaconsbastard (1005) · 01-08-2026 1833Two boys one black one white talking. The black boy said "my daddy has a new car and when he beeps the horn it goes honk honk". The white kid says well my daddy has a new chainsaw and when he starts it up it goes run nigger nigger run nigger nigger
Racist Gingerpubes (140) · 01-08-2026 1333The evolution of the backbone is fascinating: Fish - 500 million years ago Reptiles - 250 million years ago Mammals - 100 million years ago UEFA - Yesterday
Football LennysCrevasse (695) · 31-07-2026 0344Did you hear about that gamekeeper who was found dead in the woods? Police suspect fowl play
Hengist (479) · 30-07-2026 1738"Four women accuse Jared Leto of criminal sexual conduct when they were teenagers", the BBC reports. In other news: "Pot calls kettle black"
Pedophile ianwatkins 🥉 (1843) · 29-07-2026 1745What's pink and fits perfectly in big ears? Noddy's cock
Nursery Rhymes LennysCrevasse (695) · 29-07-2026 1545Now that Maddie's brother is swimming at the commonwealth games, changed his name to Paddlin McCann.
My Dad is complaining about his chronic scoliosis again He's got the hump
Age/Elderly LennysCrevasse (695) · 28-07-2026 0916When I was involved in a three car pile up recently, I managed to escape with a dead leg. Not sure who's it was, but finders keepers.
Accidents/Injuries notbaldbob (1172) · 27-07-2026 1939I used to have to knock on my girlfriends batty crease when I wanted anal… Now I’ve got a ring doorbell.
Sex n Shit Cockwomble (93) · 27-07-2026 1857When I was a kid, my mother used to use Frank Sinatra records to get me to sleep. She used to hit me over the head with them.
Accidents/Injuries garry6291 (571) · 27-07-2026 1636Don't call the all-female removalist company. They'll take half your shit.
Sexist innit (580) · 27-07-2026 1615I fell on a circular saw and lost the whole left side of my body. I'm alright now.
Silly Joeydeaconsbastard (1005) · 26-07-2026 1937There was some loud knocking at our front door. ' There's a man at the door with a bill, ' said my wife. ' It's probably a duck wearing a hat, ' I replied, ' just tell it to fuck off. '
General Squeaky (1470) · 26-07-2026 0820My house was repossessed, I ended up selling my arse at Camden Lock, and a rival tramp kicked the shit out of me for rummaging through his bins. That’s the last time I forget my Tesco Clubcard.
Silly WayOutWest (419) · 25-07-2026 1654My wife and her friends went for a girl's weekend of wild camping. It started out as ordinary camping, until 2am when I set fire to their tent.
Pranks scotty (310) · 25-07-2026 1438The only time my wife will ever scream "DEEPER, DEEPER" is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Wife notbaldbob (1172) · 25-07-2026 1045My wife says I’m too impulsive with money. “Don’t be ridiculous.” “He’s not,” said my ex-Mossad bodyguard.
Silly WayOutWest (419) · 25-07-2026 0553Bought a bunch of celebrity endorsed Sat Navs. Sent them all back. Fleetwood Mac one said You can go your own way Bonnie Tyler kept saying turn around Lenny Kravitz kept asking are you gonna go my way The Bon Jovi one said Whoa we're halfway there for 12 hours Talking Heads Said we're on the Road to nowhere Dionne Warwick kept asking do you know the way to San Jose Steelers wheel said Stuck in the middle with you.
Gingerpubes (140) · 24-07-2026 1841If there was a competition for saggy tits, my wife would beat everyone. In fact, she'd wipe the floor with them.
Wife notbaldbob (1172) · 24-07-2026 0710My doctor said I don't eat enough vegetables. So I've started dating a spastic girl who loves oral sex.
Disability notbaldbob (1172) · 24-07-2026 0537I just hate it when I’m posting on Facebook and I’m rudely interrupted by a cyclist bouncing off my windscreen
Accidents/Injuries supergalley 🥇 🥉 (1415) · 23-07-2026 1234Wide scale protests are taking place all over Bradford tonight after the price of petrol went up by 30 rupees per litre.
notbaldbob (1172) · 23-07-2026 0533I once had an overactive dog that kept jumping up on people. So I named him "Syndrome".
Disability OkiPaul (142) · 23-07-2026 0354The teacher was asking her class what their fathers did. "My dad runs the prison," said little Johnny. "Is he the Governor?" she asked. "No," replied Johnny, "he's the hardest cunt in there."
Crime notbaldbob (1172) · 22-07-2026 0559I shouted at the French guy, who was about to stab me, "Mercy!" "You're welcome," he replied.
Wordplay Stallion (1597) · 21-07-2026 2123Have you noticed how many F1 drivers have names linked to Scottish towns? Stirling Moss, Lewis Hamilton, Eddie Irvine... Ayr Town Centre...
Sports notbaldbob (1172) · 21-07-2026 0608I've looked through all my cookery books, but I still can't find the recipe for disaster.
If a girl fucks more than 10 guys in a year she's called a slut. But if a bloke does it he's gay, definitely gay.
LGBTQ4KHDTV+ etc notbaldbob (1172) · 20-07-2026 1548If Islam is the religion of peace, then homeopathy is the medicine of science.
Religion notbaldbob (1172) · 20-07-2026 1541My wife and I fondly refer to our first meeting as "Brief Encounter". It was at Alcoholics Anonymous, and we'd both shat our pants.
Alcohol/Drugs scotty (310) · 20-07-2026 0930A lot of blokes would love to have a heart attack having sex. What a great way to go. However, I wouldn't trust a 4 year old to manage to call an ambulance for me.
Sex n Shit Stickyagain 🥉 🥈 (1391) · 20-07-2026 0645I've just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman It's very rewarding but quite challenging, it took me ages to get her husband's voice just right.
Sex n Shit notbaldbob (1172) · 19-07-2026 1858During meditation, a monk asks his master “Master. If a man shaves his arse, is he gay?” His master thought for a moment and replied: “A man who cleans his ,house clearly expects a visitor.”
LGBTQ4KHDTV+ etc notbaldbob (1172) · 19-07-2026 1836My current job application asked me if I suffered from any disabilities, so I put down Narcolepsy and Tourettes. Now I sleep whenever I like and if anyone disturbs me I tell them to fuck off.
Disease/Illness notbaldbob (1172) · 19-07-2026 1048I should have checked Trustpilot before ordering from Jihadi Florists. When the flowers arrived, they all had their heads cut off.
I don't like Rap music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like Rap music, denigrate means 'put down'.
Down’s Syndrome notbaldbob (1172) · 18-07-2026 1455Two priests running out of a burning church. Priest 1: What about the children? Priest 2: Fuck the children! Priest 1: Ooh do you think we have time?
Irishstu (117) · 18-07-2026 1300Yesterday I got accused of being homophobic. Absolute bollocks. I love Lesbians, they make the best movies.
LGBTQ4KHDTV+ etc Baldlice (112) · 17-07-2026 2126I was looking after my American mate's twins. At dinner time I took some spoons with food on and said "Here come the aeroplanes!" Then I kicked the legs out from under their highchairs.
Pakistani Stallion (1597) · 17-07-2026 1514There's this bloke Gerry who drinks in my local who's a rabid homophobe - you know the sort, always pointing the finger at others, banging on and on about how all the queers should be shot and all that macho crap. I found out he was off to a football game yesterday, so while he was away from home I gave his missus a call. Gerry's missus: 'Hello?' Me (best Julian Clary voice): 'Hi, who's this? I was looking for Gerry...' 'This is his wife, can I take a message?' 'Wife? Ooooohhh, he is a dark horse, isn't he? Well, honey, I'm afraid you'd better get yourself a blood test pronto...'
AIDS theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥈 (2195) · 17-07-2026 1457It must be tough for someone who suffers from Bulimia and OCD. Eating alphabety spaghetti then trying to puke it up in alphabetical order.
Disease/Illness notbaldbob (1172) · 16-07-2026 0957"I've remortgaged the house and bet 100k on tonight's match." "Do you think you have a gambling problem?" "I'm not sure yet. I'll know after tonight's match."
Gambling Hengist (479) · 15-07-2026 2013Why's everyone so excited about King Charles being on bank notes? Most of them have had charlie on them since the 1980s.
Alcohol/Drugs ianwatkins 🥉 (1843) · 14-07-2026 2337When i was thirteen my mum caught me wanking and she slapped me across the face. Then my dad caught me smoking and he made me smoke forty cigarettes one after the other. Glad he never caught me wanking.
Masturbation Joeydeaconsbastard (1005) · 14-07-2026 2222The gorgeous girl next door has started running. Every time I start to open my coat.
What's orange and shits itself? Prince Harry in a tunnel...
I walked into the lounge to find my wife breast feeding our son. "How long do you have to do that for?" I asked. "When is he going to be too old for it?" "Well, it's a physical bond between a mother and her child isn't it? It's only society that deems it unacceptable above a certain age." "Shut up, Harry. I was talking to your mother." I replied.
Wholesome notbaldbob (1172) · 13-07-2026 0542Jack and Jill went up the hill So they could vote Labour. Now Jack and Jill have moved house 'Cause they got a pedo for a neighbour.
Political supergalley 🥇 🥉 (1415) · 12-07-2026 1952I have some hearing aids for sale... If you're interested, give me a shout.
My new neighbour popped his head over the fence today and said, "what's going down bro?" "The value of my house since you moved in you black bastard", I replied.
What's yellow and covered in marge? Homer Simpson's cock...
I was watching an old, fat bastard on the TV having a wank. Then I realised I hadn't switched it on and it was my reflection.
Sex n Shit Stallion (1597) · 11-07-2026 1416Wife: I have blisters on my hands from using the broom all day. Husband: Well next time take the car then silly
Silly Allobosca 🥇 (2375) · 11-07-2026 1119I met my wife at a fancy dress party where I was dressed up as a ghost. I decided to "woo" her...
What's the difference between a black man and Batman? Batman can go in the shop without Robin...
I work in genetic engineering, but the pay isn't great. I made a monkey last week.
Wordplay theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥈 (2195) · 10-07-2026 1526"Mummy Mummy what's incest"? "Shut up and keep sucking Daddy's dick"
Joeydeaconsbastard (1005) · 09-07-2026 2322I bet Eve ate the fruit because Adam wasn't "giving her enough attention"
Religion innit (580) · 09-07-2026 2235I was with this girl who was very good at playing an eight stringed instrument. Her name is Amanda Lynne.
Joeydeaconsbastard (1005) · 07-08-2026 2103I remember when my wife was having our baby shouting, PUSH PUSH PUSH! She was wank at bump starting the car when she was pregnant
Stephen Bear jailed for breaching restraining order against Georgia Harrison. In his defence he did not harass Joan Lennon or Paula McCartney.
Wordplay ianwatkins 🥉 (1843) · 06-08-2026 1933My landlord turned up this morning, and started lecturing me about how I need to keep the place cleaner. I sent him away with a flea in his ear.
Silly theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥈 (2195) · 06-08-2026 1425How many narcoleptics does it take to change a ligh65hyuyij9iuyfgtr/dfsyt7uyjhu9ko;klo[pl;fgt5
Disease/Illness theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥈 (2195) · 06-08-2026 1423The right-wing press likes to make out that refugees get money thrown at them when they come to Britain. In reality, a lot of them are struggling just to keep their heads above water.
Racist theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥈 (2195) · 06-08-2026 1320What you call a Muslim with 2 pigs on his head? Mohammed. What you call a Muslim with 2 pigs on his head that throws away perfectly good fish? Mohammed Bin Salman
Muslim Gingerpubes (140) · 06-08-2026 1312Liverpool have signed two players who will fit in with their philosophy. Nickamoto and Robatelly Old one so Feel free to claim it
Football Gingerpubes (140) · 06-08-2026 1259Girl says to her Scouse boyfriend. "Why won't you let me give you a blowjob" He tells her "I don't like any jobs".
Scousers Joeydeaconsbastard (1005) · 05-08-2026 2044I farted on the bus the other day, it was just like being on "the voice" four people span round and stared at me.
Disability Stickyagain 🥉 🥈 (1391) · 05-08-2026 1909Serena Williams confirms doubles date with sister Venus at the upcoming Cincinnati Open. They are the top seed in the mixed doubles.
Sports ponga (251) · 05-08-2026 1426Princess Eugenie has given birth to a baby girl in Lisbon Mother & baby are said to be keeping the grandfather at bay with mace
Pedophile LennysCrevasse (695) · 05-08-2026 0957I just saw the wife trip over and drop a massive basket of clothes she just ironed I watched it all unfold
Adult Irishstu (117) · 03-08-2026 2340"minimum wage" we'd love to pay you less, but aren't allowed to.
Scousers Stickyagain 🥉 🥈 (1391) · 03-08-2026 1524When people ask me what I do for a living, I tell them I am a part-time gynaecologist! I wait for the doctor to go for lunch, sneak into his office and try to get through as many patients as I can in 45 minutes!
Adult Ash (7) · 02-08-2026 2149Venison used to be a cheap meat, but now it's dead dear
Wordplay Stickyagain 🥉 🥈 (1391) · 01-08-2026 1427Why are Lesbos unhappy? Because you can't pronounce happiness without the penis
LGBTQ4KHDTV+ etc Gingerpubes (140) · 01-08-2026 1223I remember as a toddler in my uncle's car, he sat me on his lap to let me "drive". At least, I thought that's why he'd taken his hands off the wheel. Turned out he needed them for something else.
Pedophile scotty (310) · 01-08-2026 0857NHS announces "Feeling like dying but not really suicidal" new baseline for normal mental health.
Suicide innit (580) · 01-08-2026 0055I saw a homeless couple making out I shouted out "For fucks sake get a box".
Homeless / Bum notbaldbob (1172) · 28-07-2026 0638I just watched that King Kong film from 1933, it was so unrealistic. When he climbed the Empire State Building he didn't throw his own shit at the planes.
TV & Movies ianwatkins 🥉 (1843) · 27-07-2026 1800I went to the chemist and asked him to give me something to kill the missus. He said "Sorry sir but I can't do that". I then showed him a photo of my fat and ugly twat of a wife and he replied."Apologies you poor man I didn't realise you had a prescription".
Wife Joeydeaconsbastard (1005) · 26-07-2026 2108My mate who has Tourettes has just bought a new car. I asked him if he bought it outright, but he said he got it on tick.
Disability Stickyagain 🥉 🥈 (1391) · 25-07-2026 1903Doctor doctor, I have this irresistible urge to cum in my daughter's face Fuxake Dave, you're only here to identify the body
Sex n Shit root (233) · 25-07-2026 1058Me and the wife are having what is known as Olympic sex... It happens once every 4 years.
Wife notbaldbob (1172) · 25-07-2026 1038Why is a woman like a fish? They're both better when you batter them.
Sexist notbaldbob (1172) · 25-07-2026 1035I'm only attracted to girls who don't have tattoos. Yanno, children.
Pedophile ianwatkins 🥉 (1843) · 24-07-2026 2023Had a worrying phone call from my mate earlier. He said his missus had left the house nearly two hours ago to pick up their takeaway and he hadn't been able to contact her since. He was going frantic and had to use Just Eat just in case.
Fat / Obesity garry6291 (571) · 24-07-2026 0738I've finally told my daughter she's adopted. Don't feel to bad about the incest now.
Incest Joeydeaconsbastard (1005) · 23-07-2026 1931Kanishka Narayan is Britain’s new AI minister. Great choice. If anyone can put Shabana Mahmood in a bikini, it’s him.
Political WayOutWest (419) · 21-07-2026 1848Referee Anthony Taylor has retired. Don't bother read his book....it's just full of footballers names.
Sports Gungho_ED (275) · 21-07-2026 1618My lad is already into his key stage 4 and he's only 8! Too bad it's bone cancer
Cancer LennysCrevasse (695) · 21-07-2026 1041Think I heard Keegan has signed up for Bury. Might have been Burnley, if he's being cremated.
Football scotty (310) · 21-07-2026 0757I've been seeing this girl, and she said she doesn't give blow jobs in the first six months, so I told her to ring me nearer the time.
Sex n Shit notbaldbob (1172) · 21-07-2026 0008What do you call an Argentinian soldier on his knees sucking British army cock for a slice of rancid bread whilst listening to The Human League ? Lionel Messi's Dad
Football LennysCrevasse (695) · 20-07-2026 2146I beat my wife at dominos the other night. She needs to learn that I choose the pizza toppings.
Silly notbaldbob (1172) · 20-07-2026 1544My grandfather died doing what he always enjoyed. The 10 year old he was doing it to however, wasn't enjoying it at all.
Pedophile Stickyagain 🥉 🥈 (1391) · 20-07-2026 0712I've started a campaign to have all the world's elephants released from human custody. I couldn't give a fuck about animal rights, it just gives me an excuse to wear my 'Pachys Out' T shirt.
Pakistani theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥈 (2195) · 20-07-2026 0619I was watching a documentary today about North Korea’s nuclear capability. My Wife asked me if I was worried about Korea’s nuclear weapons. I’m not worried at all. Nothing I ever bought from Korea worked.
Murder/Death/Killing Baldlice (112) · 19-07-2026 2219I hate it when your cock touches the water in the toilet bowl. I have to stand on the seat.
Stickyagain 🥉 🥈 (1391) · 19-07-2026 1904A lot of people like to take the piss out of Kim Jong Un and his predecessors but often overlook the fact that they have consistently proven themselves to be very competent and visionary leaders. Many analysts now credit them with transforming their nation into the second most prosperous and technologically advanced country in all of Korea.
Hengist (479) · 19-07-2026 1821The first bus in Britain to be powered by human excrement ran from Bristol to Bath on the Number 2 route (yes, really). Came out of a shithole, too.
Wordplay theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥈 (2195) · 19-07-2026 1410I was in the cinema when some creature started screaming, flashing its arse and flinging shit at people. Turns out it was Helen of Troy in The Odyssey.
Racist WayOutWest (419) · 19-07-2026 1116I just caught my foreskin in my zip. That's the last time I wear these zip up boots.
Silly notbaldbob (1172) · 19-07-2026 0946Josh Kerry murdered Ann Widdecombe because of her stance on illegal immigrants. Well the lucky little fella is going to meet plenty of them over the next 50 years in a maximum security prison.
Muslim ianwatkins 🥉 (1843) · 18-07-2026 2103Teacher; there are 10 bars of chocolate on the table. Jamal takes 6. What colour is Jamal?
Crime Stickyagain 🥉 🥈 (1391) · 18-07-2026 1830Spoiler alert! The wing on the back of my car has fallen off.
Dad Jokes Stickyagain 🥉 🥈 (1391) · 18-07-2026 1828When it comes to star signs, us Capricorns are the Greatest Of All Time.
Wordplay theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥈 (2195) · 18-07-2026 1022Which side of a cat has the most fur? The outside.
"Gemma Collins has left the building" She's eaten everything else, but left the building.
Fat / Obesity Stickyagain 🥉 🥈 (1391) · 17-07-2026 1608The new bloke at work has invited me round to his place tonight for some 'man fun'. Awesome. I hope he's got table football and a PS5.
LGBTQ4KHDTV+ etc theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥈 (2195) · 17-07-2026 1459Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex. I woke this morning with a huge correction.
Alcohol/Drugs notbaldbob (1172) · 17-07-2026 1125My pet lizard doesn't get a hard on I think the poor cunt has reptile dysfunction.
Animals Joeydeaconsbastard (1005) · 16-07-2026 1926This bloke who murdered Ann Widdecombe. Any chance of giving him Starmer's new address?
Murder/Death/Killing scotty (310) · 15-07-2026 1537I remember when I was a kid, I'd run out of the house when I heard Mr. Whippy come around. That was the nickname of my sado-masochistic Uncle.
General notbaldbob (1172) · 14-07-2026 1830I can't wait to fuck you and come all over your face. Luckily I sent that text to my sister,it could have gone to the wrong person.
Sex n Shit Squeaky (1470) · 14-07-2026 1020Not sure if I should be concerned, but I've just found my wife's wank sock.
Sex n Shit notbaldbob (1172) · 13-07-2026 1833They say size doesn't matter. But all my wallpaper fell off
I walked into a car showroom last night. I said to the salesman, "My wife would like to talk to you about the Volkswagen Golf in the window." He said, "We don't have a Volkswagen Golf in the window." I said, "You do now."
Accidents/Injuries notbaldbob (1172) · 12-07-2026 2116What's the difference between Muslims and Smarties? Smarties don't blow up in the tube!
Muslim Allobosca 🥇 (2375) · 12-07-2026 1119What do you call a scouse woman in a white tracksuit? The bride
Wife Allobosca 🥇 (2375) · 12-07-2026 1106How do you know when you are getting old? When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.
Age/Elderly Allobosca 🥇 (2375) · 12-07-2026 1101Why do they call it Pre-Menstrual Tension? Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
Wife Allobosca 🥇 (2375) · 12-07-2026 1100A pussy is a warm,moist beautiful thing. Carried around by a cunt.
Sexist Squeaky (1470) · 11-07-2026 0839Jack and Jill went up the hill to have some hanky-panky. But silly Jill forgot her pill and now there's little Franky.
Songs/Rhymes Allobosca 🥇 (2375) · 11-07-2026 0825So, some dude finally fucked Ann Widdecombe...
Murder/Death/Killing theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥈 (2195) · 10-07-2026 1613How can you tell if an Essex girl has been at your PC ? Tippex all over the screen !
Silly Allobosca 🥇 (2375) · 10-07-2026 0754What's Kodak camera film and Gary Glitter got in common? They both come in little yellow boxes.
Pedophile Allobosca 🥇 (2375) · 10-07-2026 0752How do you know if you have a very high sperm count? Your girlfriend has to chew before she can swallow!!!
Sex n Shit Allobosca 🥇 (2375) · 10-07-2026 0749A little old lady is driving her wheelchair up and down the halls of the old-folks home, making car noises. A gent steps out of his room and says "Looks like you were going a bit fast. Can I see your liscense?" The lady hands him a grocery receipt and he looks at it for a bit and says "Well I'll give you a warning this time, but slow it down a bit." The lady resumes wheeling the halls making car noises. The man steps out again and says "your plates expired. Can I see your registration?" She hands him a napkin and he looks at it and says "I'll let you off with a warning this time, but be careful." She zooms off and this time the man comes out his room stark naked sporting an erection. The lady says "Oh no! Not the breathalyzer again."
Sex n Shit Allobosca 🥇 (2375) · 10-07-2026 0748I went for an eye test and the optician said "can you read this?" I said "DZGY FRPU BGXT ALEQ" He said "hmm, it's a letter from my aunt I think she has dementia"
Stickyagain 🥉 🥈 (1391) · 07-08-2026 1307A Muslim family has moved in next door. To welcome them to the neighbourhood, I'm bacon a cake for them.
Muslim theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥈 (2195) · 07-08-2026 0802They say having sex is a bit like riding a bike. I had a lot more experience of it as a child than I do as an adult.
Dark theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥈 (2195) · 06-08-2026 2013How many dyslexics does it take to change a lightyear?
'I tawt I taw a puddy tat! I did! I did taw a puddy tat!' 'No, son. That's the special school bus. It picks you up every morning, remember?'
Down’s Syndrome theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥈 (2195) · 06-08-2026 1648In 1982, Cliff Richard dated former tennis player Sue Barker. She didn't play at Wimbledon that year, but Cliff went on to seed number two in the juniors.
Pedophile theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥈 (2195) · 06-08-2026 0912I met this really fit girl in the pub last night but I had to walk away when I realised she was really childish. She said she wanted to take me home and ride me like a horse.
Sex n Shit garry6291 (571) · 06-08-2026 0846I matched with a girl called Faith who said she’d heard every joke about her name. So, in my best Mike Tyson voice, I asked: “Will you let me run my ballth acroth your faith?” Apparently that was a new one.
Sex n Shit WayOutWest (419) · 05-08-2026 1907Say what you like about Kier Starmer but he did his bit for youth prospects For example Vladislav, 17, worked with him for 30 minutes and received £1,000. All the young man had to do was take a dump on his chest
Prostitution / Sex Worker LennysCrevasse (695) · 05-08-2026 1501Child "abuse" is so subjective in my opinion For example, my Dad always gave me a wooden spoon to bite down on
Dark LennysCrevasse (695) · 05-08-2026 1340I've got a streaming service launching next week. It features the likes of the musicals composers Rogers and Hammerstein Irving Berlin Musicals such as fiddler on the roof and the jazz singer. Jew Tube launches next week
Jewish Gingerpubes (140) · 04-08-2026 2019It's.getting daft now with this ultra-PC woke bullshit - you can't even say "shortbread" You have to say, "Please stick a couple of slices in Warwick. If you can reach the toaster"
Disability LennysCrevasse (695) · 02-08-2026 1605Trump denies any knowledge of Gianni Infantino's plot to sell the World Cup. His arse must get jealous of all the shit that comes out of his mouth
Football ponga (251) · 01-08-2026 1415I bought a black shirt last week but I had to donate it to the African Charity shop. The cuffs kept dragging along the floor.
Racist Squeaky (1470) · 01-08-2026 0759I love the colour blue. Even more than green and yellow combined.
Dumb/Thick Squeaky (1470) · 31-07-2026 0735I’ve started calling my wife Caesar. “Because I rule?” “No… you’ve got salad dressing dribbling down your chin.”
WayOutWest (419) · 30-07-2026 1816Carlsberg don't do anterograde amnesia, but if they did.... Carlsberg don't do anterograde amnesia
Disability LennysCrevasse (695) · 30-07-2026 1710The premature ejaculator's guide to sex Step 1: Insert penis. Step 2: Repeat, if necessary.
Sex n Shit Irishstu (117) · 30-07-2026 1350King Charles will offer Prince Harry a room at Buckingham Palace when he returns to the UK. He will have to 'top and tail' with Camilla, though.
Celebrities ponga (251) · 27-07-2026 1154My American cousin pointed at a homeless man sleeping in a doorway and said, “That poor soul.” “Poor? I pay £1,800 a month for that much room.”
General WayOutWest (419) · 25-07-2026 2052Katie Price gets another boob job. She's as appetising as the spital from a saxophone.
Celebrities ponga (251) · 25-07-2026 1820My cousin's invited me to her wedding. I'll be there with bells on! This leprosy's not getting any better.
Disease/Illness theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥈 (2195) · 25-07-2026 1208What does a vagina and a cactus have in common? If you open them carefully you find water.
Dark Squeaky (1470) · 25-07-2026 0801Just seen JD Vance's kid's birth certificate Method of Delivery: "Suddenly burst through chest"
Dark LennysCrevasse (695) · 24-07-2026 2000An AI clone of my dad rang asking to borrow money. Honestly, the technology is terrifying. It remembered my birthday.
General WayOutWest (419) · 24-07-2026 0550There was a documentary on last night about the murder of Ann Widdecombe. Homophobe Under the Hammer.
Murder/Death/Killing theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥈 (2195) · 24-07-2026 0444I was walking down the street the other day and I saw .these two blind blokes squaring up to fight. I shouted "My money's on the one with the knife." You should have seen how fast they both ran off.
Blind/Partially Sighted notbaldbob (1172) · 23-07-2026 2135Nature can be incredibly cruel, like when a baby giraffe gets eaten alive by hyenas. Or when a fat bird has small tits.
Fat / Obesity ianwatkins 🥉 (1843) · 23-07-2026 2121Caught my younger brother stiffing a pair of my mum's knickers. Didn't tell him though they've been the ones I've been using as a wank sock for the past month.
Sex n Shit Joeydeaconsbastard (1005) · 23-07-2026 1922Did you hear the one about the contortionist on the run? The police have asked that he turns himself in
Dad Jokes LennysCrevasse (695) · 23-07-2026 1559When Tarantino smuggles his foot fetish into every film he makes, it's all harmless fun. But one quick wank over a pair of pretty feet gets me sacked from Shoezone.
Hollywood scotty (310) · 23-07-2026 1442Stephen Hawking was very competent in his field, notwithstanding
Disability LennysCrevasse (695) · 23-07-2026 1127Tesco superstore. Broughton Extra Dear Mr Kazanski, I am writing to you in regards of the following Over the past six months you have caused quite a commotion in our Broughton store, we cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban you from the store. Complaints against you are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras. 1. February 15th you took 24 boxes of tampons and randomly put them in other people's trolleys when they weren't looking. 2. March 2nd you set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 3. April 7th you made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's toilets. 4. May 4th you went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of MandMs on tic. 5. May 14th Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 6. May 23rd When an assistant asked if they could help you began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' Paramedics were called.. 7. June 4th Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while you picked your nose. 8. June 23rd Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme. 9. July 8th you hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, you yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!' 10. July 12th When an announcement came over the loud speaker, you assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN' 11. July 13th you went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the assistants passed out.
Dumb/Thick supergalley 🥇 🥉 (1415) · 22-07-2026 2211Rosie Jones walked into a bar It made no difference
Rosie Jones LennysCrevasse (695) · 22-07-2026 1809Russia has just dropped a nuclear bomb on Ethiopia. 1 million died in the blast and 2 million died running after the mushroom.
Death notbaldbob (1172) · 21-07-2026 0602Fantastic to see Andy Burnham's response to criticism from Lord Blunkett He's put his fucking guide dog on bricks
Why did the chicken cross the road? Cos it had been kicked out of Downing Street for the last time and had an appointment with two Ukrainian rent boys
Political LennysCrevasse (695) · 20-07-2026 1424The teacher says to little Johnny, "If you had twelve Mars bars, of which Sanjeet asked for two, Amir asked for one, and Leroy asked for three, how many Mars bars would you have left?" "Twelve Miss".
Racist notbaldbob (1172) · 18-07-2026 0925They say beauty is just skin deep. In that case, my wife was born inside out.
Wholesome Stickyagain 🥉 🥈 (1391) · 17-07-2026 1716How do you know when a Scouse bird has an orgasm? She drops her chips
Scousers Irishstu (117) · 17-07-2026 1231Meghan shares her joy over a surprise Emmy nomination for her axed Netflix lifestyle show by showing off her red knees.
Celebrities ponga (251) · 16-07-2026 1416If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get? Missile toe
Silly Allobosca 🥇 (2375) · 16-07-2026 0857How do you turn Harry Kane into a defensive midfielder? Pick him for England.
Football scotty (310) · 16-07-2026 0625I have a condition that makes me eat when I can’t sleep. It’s called insom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nia.
notbaldbob (1172) · 16-07-2026 0546I know this nigger and his name is John. I call him blackjack.
Racist Joeydeaconsbastard (1005) · 15-07-2026 0010The French team got stuck in tonight. Most of them were black and bleue
Sports Gungho_ED (275) · 14-07-2026 2054Some alternative facts about the beetles. Love me do was John's tribute to his new haircut Ringo Starr isn't his real name. He used the pseudonym to hide his birth name. Ringo below average drummer. Yoko Onos real name was Yoko Mashida. She got the name at every recording session she turned up at the lads said Yoko O no Norwegian wood was used for Johns coffin Money cant buy me love. Paul was right. Cost him a load of money. After their first night together Paul exclaimed Fuck I've shagged a pirate. John famously said Imagine No possessions. While owning several houses cars and other goods. Paul famously had a real eye for security. His main residence was known as Paulditz. George Harrisons was called the front doors open and the knifes in the draw Paul named his daughter after two of his favourite things. Stella and veggie burgers Worms favourite food is Linda McCartney Yoko one is not Japanese for one egg Her name is also not the Japanese version of the game Marco Polo Paul foresaw the death of John. Hence he trolled him with when I'm 64 Paul refused to let Donald Trump use Get Back in his presidential run. Feel free to add more
Celebrities Gingerpubes (140) · 14-07-2026 1801These lefty MPs banging on about politicians being intoxicated all the time might actually be true Look at Ann Widdecombe for Christ's sake. She got absolutely battered
Dark LennysCrevasse (695) · 14-07-2026 1734Andy Serkis defends lack of diversity in Lord of the Rings cast. Every culture deserves to see itself represented accurately on screen. Except medieval Europe, which apparently had the demographics of a Heathrow departure lounge.
WayOutWest (419) · 14-07-2026 1636Back when I was a kid, there was no internet. So people would sometimes have to walk for miles just to call me a cunt.
General notbaldbob (1172) · 14-07-2026 1455I met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet, and we ended up having sex right there and then. I fucking love my new Taser.
Dark notbaldbob (1172) · 14-07-2026 0608Go on Google and search for, "What space movie was made in 1992"... (You're welcome).
The Police just been to my door holding a picture of my Wife They said "Is this your Wife Sir?" Shocked I answered "Yes" They said " We are afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus" I said "I know, but she takes it up the arse and she's good with the kids....."
Wife notbaldbob (1172) · 12-07-2026 2132How many men does it take to fix a vacuum cleaner? Why the fuck should we fix it? We never use it!
Dad Jokes Allobosca 🥇 (2375) · 11-07-2026 1115It's always been my goal in life to be the first man to climb Everest without using oxygen cannisters. That's the hill I will die on.
Accidents/Injuries theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥈 (2195) · 11-07-2026 0902Did you hear about the Jewish Kamikaze pilot? He crashed his plane in to his brothers scrapyard
Jewish Allobosca 🥇 (2375) · 11-07-2026 0830What's red & yellow and looks good on vegans? Fire
Vegan/Vegetarian Allobosca 🥇 (2375) · 11-07-2026 0827I bet Harry's father is watching his movements while he's here through crossed fingers. So will Charles be I'd expect.
Besides doing his own stunts, Tom Cruise has a pilot's licence and regularly flies his own helicopters. He's always going up and down on choppers.
Celebrities ianwatkins 🥉 (1843) · 10-07-2026 2336Say what you like about Katie Price but she always uses a condom. ...and those horse condoms don't come cheap!
Celebrities ianwatkins 🥉 (1843) · 10-07-2026 1802Police arrest man for Anne Widecombe murder. Hopefully there won't be a rape charge to go with it🤮
In The News Stickyagain 🥉 🥈 (1391) · 10-07-2026 1709I got a job recently, in the sex industry. The pay isn't too good, but at least it's gash in hand.
Sex n Shit notbaldbob (1172) · 10-07-2026 1644Jesus is at the last supper and takes the bread, blesses it, and says, "Take this, all of you, and eat it, for this is my body." He then proceeds to bless the wine and says, "Take this, all of you, and drink it, for this is my blood." Finally, he picks up the milk, but Peter looks at him and says, "You can fuck right off."
Religion notbaldbob (1172) · 10-07-2026 1245The Yorkshire branch of the Bonnie Tyler fanclub have told mourners to celebrate her life by wearing flamboyant clothing during the crematorium ceremony On member said, "I can't wait to see t'urn around bright ties"
Death LennysCrevasse (695) · 10-07-2026 0842I can't stop looking at young kids on the beach in swimming trunks. I think I might be a speedophile.
Babies Stickyagain 🥉 🥈 (1391) · 09-07-2026 1929Why are gay men so rude? Because they are all fucking arseholes.
Sex n Shit Squeaky (1470) · 08-08-2026 0809I don't mean to brag, but I suffered from 'Black Fatigue' BEFORE it was cool 😎
Racist supergalley 🥇 🥉 (1415) · 08-08-2026 0029Katie Price is forever hungry for media attention. She likes as many column inches as she can get.
Sex n Shit theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥈 (2195) · 07-08-2026 2339Why can't Gemma Collins play cricket? Cos she's allowed a maximum of 6 bowls in one go and lunch is only 40 minutes
Fat / Obesity LennysCrevasse (695) · 07-08-2026 1740I saw my son messing around with a Sega Mega Drive, Blackberry and an iPod I thought here we go, he's up to his old devices again
Gianni Infantino REFUSES to resign as FIFA president. So it's 0 - 0 and we're off to a penalty shootout.
Football ponga (251) · 06-08-2026 1032Process Eugenie's baby daughter definitely has her mother's eyes As well as her grandmother's nose And her grandfather's cock
Pedophile LennysCrevasse (695) · 05-08-2026 1651I despise going to see my GP, it really is a pain in the ass. I wish I never had to go see Dr. A. Nal
Sex n Shit Dogpad (81) · 05-08-2026 1523My phone notification went off and my wife said "who's that again?" I said spam She said "what Pam from work with the big tits"
Stickyagain 🥉 🥈 (1391) · 04-08-2026 1755They have done an autopsy to find out what was in the middle of Liddle.
Celebrity Death notbaldbob (1172) · 04-08-2026 0541Like Ash , I'm also a part time gynecologist. I'm just keeping my hand in
Sometimes I am quite close to my girlfriend but then I become more distant. And I keep repeating that until I ejaculate.
Sex n Shit ianwatkins 🥉 (1843) · 02-08-2026 1915After getting my SIA licence I got a new job as a stationary bodyguard. Just standing there for hours. I assumed I was going to be on some kickass protection mission with some high ranking officials. Instead I'm just stood here. I mean who gives a shit about pencils, rulers, rubbers and sharpeners anyway?
Wordplay Facthunt (45) · 02-08-2026 0841Life begins at............................ the Old Bailey
Crime Stickyagain 🥉 🥈 (1391) · 01-08-2026 1109BBC: Ryu leads Open in pursuit of third straight major Ken has demanded a rematch.
Sports WayOutWest (419) · 31-07-2026 1854Anyone else ever tempted to just stick a 9v battery onto those two pronged nose piercings, see if the lefties eyes light up?
Pranks NotEasilyOffended (85) · 29-07-2026 2259I see Glen Hansard didn't make it home last night. Talk about a lack of Commitment!
Death jjbomber (83) · 29-07-2026 1920Just watching that docu-drama about John Worboys the black cab rapist. Boris Johnsons wife was one of his victims and says she often thinks of him. Mainly to take her mind off things when Boris is heaving up and down on top of her.
Political Stickyagain 🥉 🥈 (1391) · 29-07-2026 0908What's Zack Polanski's vision for Britain? A big cock up his arse
Homeless / Bum LennysCrevasse (695) · 28-07-2026 1917An Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman decide to play a game of Soggy Biscuit "The last time I played this, I spaffed on the biscuit second so I didn't have to eat it", boasts the Englishman "Och yeah? The last time I played this, I jizzed on a wee cracker first and I didn'ae have to eat it", brags the Scotsman "Well", says Paddy. "De last toime oy played this, I chucked me muck first and I ate the feckin ting" "Why", ask the Englishman & Scotsman "You see", says Paddy, "It was me versus the wife"
Masturbation LennysCrevasse (695) · 28-07-2026 1712I vividly recall my Grandfather and I digging a hole in the back garden and it filling with water. Ah, yes. I remember that well.
Age/Elderly notbaldbob (1172) · 28-07-2026 0631I came home last night with two black eyes, a fat lip and a broken nose. The hospital really should lock their bins up.
General Stickyagain 🥉 🥈 (1391) · 27-07-2026 0833A man without any legs got on our bus yesterday. The driver put him off for standing on the seats.
Disability Squeaky (1470) · 27-07-2026 0719My mate Joe lost a shit load of weight sticking to the Dolly Parton diet. He's now Joe lean Joe lean Joe lean Joe lean.
Fat / Obesity Joeydeaconsbastard (1005) · 26-07-2026 2101Show me a man who calls himself a vegan and I'll show you a man who's trying to shag a vegan.
Sex n Shit notbaldbob (1172) · 25-07-2026 1040I bought a Jim Morrison satnav, but it's bloody useless. Just keeps telling me to keep my eyes on the road and my hands upon the wheel.
Silly theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥈 (2195) · 25-07-2026 0910King Charles and Queen Camilla arrive at the Commonwealth Games in a TARDIS. Not the first time Charles has entered something that was a lot bigger inside than it appeared.
Sports ponga (251) · 23-07-2026 2355I was walking home from the pub last night when I found a homeless woman in an alley..... Slim, pretty, brunette. I couldn't believe I was able pick her up! I took her back to my flat gave her a shower and some of my out of town girlfriend's make up! Then, when I sat her on the kitchen table and we having sex she started making these little noises..... Honest to God, you'd have sworn she was still alive!
Homeless / Bum Mr G (13) · 23-07-2026 2340What's blue and fucks grannies? Wayne Rooney with frostbite What's pink and fucks trannies? Wayne Rooney in the wrong building
Sex n Shit LennysCrevasse (695) · 23-07-2026 1315I spent three years in the circus. I didn't have an act or anything, I was the only one who could get the tent back in the bag.
Stickyagain 🥉 🥈 (1391) · 20-07-2026 1705I've just come back from Gran Canaria. It's full of old women
Stickyagain 🥉 🥈 (1391) · 20-07-2026 1452My partner kept advising me to ' loosen up ' and ' fully relax '. That pretty much ended our trapeze act at the circus.
General Squeaky (1470) · 20-07-2026 0811Breaking News. World Cup final result immediately overturned by Donald Trump.
Football scotty (310) · 19-07-2026 2215The doctor said my wife had a growth. “What, apart from the one on her upper lip?” The doctor and I high-fived. No, but seriously—she has cancer.
Cancer WayOutWest (419) · 19-07-2026 1048I was walking down the street with my wife earlier when she accused me of being ashamed to be seen with her. “That’s total rubbish” I replied, by text, from across the road.
Marriage / Wedding notbaldbob (1172) · 18-07-2026 1458Black people use hot sauce on everything because they have developed a taste for pepper spray.
Racist notbaldbob (1172) · 14-07-2026 1825What's the difference between Gemma Collins and Dot Cotton? Dot can only manage 100 specials a day
Fat / Obesity LennysCrevasse (695) · 14-07-2026 1159Childproof your house all you want. They still fucking get in.
Silly notbaldbob (1172) · 13-07-2026 1404The gorgeous girl next door has started running. I’d love to take the credit. But it was probably the balaclava.
Adult WayOutWest (419) · 12-07-2026 2048Nothing beats slipping into clean, crisp underwear. Although the salt and vinegar can really sting your bollocks.
Wordplay WayOutWest (419) · 12-07-2026 1925A Labrador had to be rescued from Ben Nevis after eating discarded cannabis. He was eventually coaxed down with a GoGo Pizza and garlic & herb dip.
Animals WayOutWest (419) · 12-07-2026 1507My wife's unborn baby has shifted position in the womb, and will be born feet-first. This new position is ideal for my purposes, though. Once more into the breech!
Dark theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥈 (2195) · 12-07-2026 1230I've lost loads of weight just by wearing bread on my head... It's a loaf hat diet...
CHECK OUT THE NEWS, ALL THE PAKIS AND NIGGERS ARE DEAD!!! Carlsberg dont make newsflashes, but if they did they'd probably be the best news flashes in the world!
Racist Allobosca 🥇 (2375) · 12-07-2026 1102My dyslexic friend tried to text me a joke but got it wrong. Then he sent me a text apologising because he had urined it.
General Squeaky (1470) · 12-07-2026 1002A man in Northern Ireland has fallen from the top of a bonfire 🔥 - a massive stack of pallets - that are to be lit for the July 11th commemoration. Lads, just put him back on top. Save cremation fees.
In The News OkiPaul (142) · 12-07-2026 0235In the pub quiz tonight, a question was ' What's white and sticky and better to spit out than swallow'? I got thrown out and banned for life. The answer was toothpaste by the way.
Sex n Shit garry6291 (571) · 11-07-2026 2033I wish my parents would have added some nepo to the tism they gave me.
Disability innit (580) · 11-07-2026 1337Home Ec Teacher: "Ok kids, tell me something that goes from pink to black when it's been fried? Pupil: "Ted Bundy's cock, Miss?"
Death LennysCrevasse (695) · 11-07-2026 1155Police have appealed for anyone who knew of someone with a grudge against Ann Widdecombe to come forward. They’re now trying to identify the people who didn’t.
Crime WayOutWest (419) · 11-07-2026 0907What should you do if you find a chink in your armour? Tell him to fuck off.
Racist Allobosca 🥇 (2375) · 11-07-2026 0829If a motorcyclist runs over a woman, who's to blame? The motorcyclist - he shouldn't have been riding around in the kitchen!
Silly Allobosca 🥇 (2375) · 11-07-2026 0825Why is Michael Jackson always late for work? Because he always likes to come in a little behind.
Celebrities Allobosca 🥇 (2375) · 11-07-2026 0822What would Martin Luther King be if he was white? Alive.
Celebrities Allobosca 🥇 (2375) · 11-07-2026 0820What's the big fleshy thing around the vagina called? The woman.
Sex n Shit Allobosca 🥇 (2375) · 11-07-2026 0819I went to the doctor over my hearing problems and he asked me to describe the symptoms. "Homer's got a big yellow head and Marge has tall blue hair", I replied.
I'm not saying that my feet smell bad, but my odour eaters are obese.
The police are looking for a white male following the murder of Ann Widdecombe. Anton Du Beke is said to have left the country.
Celebrities gnashermenace (72) · 10-07-2026 1556What's the difference between a gay man and a microwave? Microwaves don't brown your meat
LGBTQ4KHDTV+ etc Allobosca 🥇 (2375) · 10-07-2026 0837Did you hear about the paki that put odour eaters in his shoes? He Vanished!
Pakistani Allobosca 🥇 (2375) · 10-07-2026 0751What's the difference between black ice and black women? I don't like driving over black ice.
Racist Allobosca 🥇 (2375) · 10-07-2026 0750Ann Widdecombe tributes have been pouring in "She was a great parliamentarian and colleague", David Cameron "She was a crucial part of our successful Brexit campaign", Nigel Farage "I'm ok thanks", David Fuller
Death LennysCrevasse (695) · 10-07-2026 0659I used to work in the cafe at a nudist colony and I was the most popular person there. Mainly because I could carry 2 cups of coffee and a dozen doughnuts at the same time...
Bonnie Tyler tells TV host Lorraine 'next year I'm going to slow down' in final TV interview. No kidding.
Death theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥈 (2195) · 09-07-2026 1959I went to my GP as I thought I was severely depressed. He referred me to a psychiatrist, and at length the two of us talked through everything that was going on in my mind. His diagnosis was that I don't have depression at all; just an uncommonly perceptive and realistic view of human nature, the world as it is today, and where we are headed. Later I phoned him up to thank him for his help, but I couldn't get hold of him. He's been signed off sick for the next few months. Severe depression, apparently.
Dark theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥈 (2195) · 07-08-2026 2350A manhunt has been launched by police after serial child-rapist Cliff Lyons Dobbie escaped from custody in Perth. Officials have said that the violent paedophile was accidently freed after a prison officer was tricked into giving him a sock.
In The News Hengist (479) · 07-08-2026 2012Went to a Chinese dumpling restaurant. "We have a diet menu." "Really?" "Yes. You dim sum, you lose sum."
Dad Jokes OkiPaul (142) · 06-08-2026 0940"Doctor doctor my cunt is rotting!" "No Mrs Liddle please don't fret; the embalming will give it a couple of years"
Celebrity Death LennysCrevasse (695) · 03-08-2026 1923Grim Reaper "Come 'ere. There's no-more" R.I.P Jimmy Cricket
Death Gungho_ED (275) · 03-08-2026 1631Wife: I'm going to donate some of my clothes to the charity shop. Husband: Anybody who fits in those categorically isn't starving... .....Anyway, his funeral service is tomorrow if anyone wants to go.
spike125 (1209) · 03-08-2026 1059Why did Delta Goodrem perform at the Commonwealth Games closing ceremony? Because the estimate for Susan Boyle's makeup was outrageous.
Celebrities ponga (251) · 03-08-2026 1048I was invited to a speed dating event by a friend. Boy did I feel silly turning up with my jaw swinging like a wrecking ball.
Silly WayOutWest (419) · 02-08-2026 1953The great thing about being an adult is I can sit really close to the TV, just to piss off my mother while she burns in hell. Of course the downside to being an adult is knowing there is no such place as hell.
A blind man walks into a library and asks, 'Do you have any books on tape?' The librarian replies, 'Yes we do, but it's not a very interesting subject.'
Silly theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥈 (2195) · 02-08-2026 1150My experience with women is that if you have to move stuff to get to what you want, they're too fat.
Fat / Obesity Stickyagain 🥉 🥈 (1391) · 02-08-2026 1016I remember reading about Larry Nassar sexually abusing all those young gymnasts. As a young girl it must be so horrible to be raped by your doctor. Unless you're Jewish.
The Ten Step Guide To Success. Step One ---- Only ever tell people 10% of what you know.
General Squeaky (1470) · 30-07-2026 0717When Ann Widdecombe was killed, her radio was playing the Beatles, Maxwells Silver Hammer Coincidence or what
Celebrities astri (4) · 23-07-2026 1450What have the World Cup Final and Gemma Collins got in common? They both had more than a bit of afters on Sunday night
Fat / Obesity LennysCrevasse (695) · 22-07-2026 1400I saw an elephant at the zoo one time. It was brown and smelled terrible. I think it was a Pakiderm.
Pakistani theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥈 (2195) · 20-07-2026 1924"Having your ego deflated" Was banging my mates mum for a good 20 minutes when she whispered in my my ear " I love a good fingering before we start" cannot wait to tell my mate.
Bollockchops (44) · 20-07-2026 1428Last time I was in London I found out they have male strip clubs down there, I was very shocked. I didn't know young boys got molested by their stepdads too.
Pedophile ianwatkins 🥉 (1843) · 18-07-2026 1956Gutted! My wife just left me because I never put the toilet seat down. To be fair, I'm not even sure why I started carrying it.
Silly notbaldbob (1172) · 18-07-2026 0919The rabbi of a London synagogue who was taken hostage the other day has described how he threw a chair at the gunman in order to allow him and other hostages to escape. Senior members of the synagogue praised the rabbi's actions before presenting him with a bill for the broken chair.
Jewish notbaldbob (1172) · 17-07-2026 2047True story. I taught at an English adult language school in Japan. Small class of 3 old ladies aged early 70s. Theme of the lesson was Japanese folklore. So, I got the ball rolling with the story of a Japanese prince who gave up his inheritance to marry a girl from the outcast society (burakumin). The three ladies were kinda shocked at the end when I mentioned they got married, and I was pleasantly surprised at my storytelling skill. Anyway. The lesson progressed rather hesitantly. However, their reaction kinda bugged me. About 5 days later, lying in bed, the whole horror suddenly hit me. I hadn't said "he fell in love and married with a burakumin girl". I had said "he fell in love and married with a bukakke girl"! Japan, 2003ish
Adult OkiPaul (142) · 17-07-2026 0220Uncle of Ann Widdecombe suspect says he 'nearly fell to floor' over arrest. Oh no, did he also clutch his pearls? Did he drop his handbag? Did all his tampons fall out of it?
Political ianwatkins 🥉 (1843) · 16-07-2026 2305This maths test can predict your favourite film. Not sure how it works but it does. Mine was Star Wars. DON'T PEEP! Pick a number between 1 and 9. Multiply by 3. Add 3 to that number. Multiply by 3 again. Add the 2 digits together. Now discover your favourite film! 3. Oliver Twist. 4. Star Wars. 5. Forrest Gump. 6. Saving Private Ryan. 7. Jaws. 8. Grease. 9. The Joy of Anal Sex with Male Sheep & Oiled-Up Lady Boys. 10. Mary Poppins.
Long Story notbaldbob (1172) · 16-07-2026 1401My dentist informed me today that I need a crown. Finally, someone who understands me.
General notbaldbob (1172) · 16-07-2026 0949Well things went a bit Messi for England last night
If you can spell Tertiary Syphilis, chances are you don't have it.
Disease/Illness theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥈 (2195) · 15-07-2026 1113"Mummy Mummy Billy's spewed up". "So what"? "Johnny's getting all the big pieces".
Silly Joeydeaconsbastard (1005) · 14-07-2026 2155Andy Burnham says Ann Widdecombe’s death requires a serious review of MPs’ security. That review will be reviewed by a subcommittee, overseen by a select committee and referred to an independent commission on political toxicity. Its conclusion will be that the locks were adequate, but whiteness somehow got through the window.
Political WayOutWest (419) · 14-07-2026 2132Butler: "It's Spain and it's 16 years in the waiting" Andrew Mountbatten Windsor: "Fabulous. Can you charter the flight and get them to the island by the weekend?"
Pedophile LennysCrevasse (695) · 14-07-2026 2106Black people use hot sauce on everything to develop a tolerance against pepper spray for when the time comes. The Irish unsuccessfully attempted to adopt the same technique with small bullets and work their way up for when the troubles came.
Karen came into my restaurant the other day and asked, "Can you tell me about the menu please?" So I kicked her out and told her that the men I please are none of her business!!
Sex n Shit Allobosca 🥇 (2375) · 13-07-2026 2104It was awkward teaching my kids about the “birds and the bees”… None of them could get wet enough.
Incest Cockwomble (93) · 13-07-2026 1901Britain can’t deport rape gang leader Shabir Ahmed. Shame we can’t deport him back to when England had some balls.
Pedophile WayOutWest (419) · 13-07-2026 0840Always turn electrical equipment off at night other than two things Refrigerators and life support machines. Otherwise we will be wasting a whole lot of vegetables.
Disease/Illness notbaldbob (1172) · 12-07-2026 2120Imagine Count Binface wins the bi-election, then Scooby Doo and his pals run into the sports hall and removes his mask to reveal Ann Widdecombe!
Death Craven180 (4) · 12-07-2026 2048I was at a cash machine the other day, and an old lady asked me to help her check her balance. So I pushed her over.
Silly Allobosca 🥇 (2375) · 12-07-2026 1115A man drives up to a child, and says "Come on, get into the car" The child replies, "n-no.." He asks again: "If you get into the car, I'll give you a sweetie" Once again, the child reples, "n-n-no..." "If you get into the car, I'll give you the entire packet!" The kid pipes up, "For fuck's sake, dad! I'm not getting into the fucking Lada!"
Jeremy Clarkson Allobosca 🥇 (2375) · 12-07-2026 1114Why don't black people dream? Because we killed the only one that did!
Racist Allobosca 🥇 (2375) · 12-07-2026 1105Thomas Tuchel says England were lucky to get this far. His entire senior playing career was 77 appearances and three goals, mostly in Germany’s third tier. Then he somehow ended up managing Chelsea, Bayern Munich and England. He doesn’t object to luck. He just hates seeing other people benefit from it.
Football WayOutWest (419) · 12-07-2026 0953If you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock. That's pretty humerus.
Silly Allobosca 🥇 (2375) · 11-07-2026 1120What do you call an attractive girl in Poland? A tourist.
Racist Allobosca 🥇 (2375) · 11-07-2026 0828What time is it when the baby starts hissing? Time to take it out of the oven.
Babies Allobosca 🥇 (2375) · 11-07-2026 0816A man went to a local brothel to get some practice performing oral sex on his wife. The woman at the 'reception' (yeah, like brothels have receptions...) gave him a key (or keys!) and told him to go to room 314. The man walked into the room and met the lady of the night. He told her why he was there, so she gave him a few tips and then told him to go for it. So, the man began to perform the oral sex and he was, by her (typical ho) reaction, pretty good at it. But something funny happened: A little while into the deed, he discovered something in his mouth. He spat it into his palm and found a chunk of carrot. "Oh god, that's horrible!" he thought, but he said nothing and continued. A few seconds after that, he came out with a pea. "Damn, I can't take much more of this. There's something wrong with this Ho." But once again, he said nothing and gave it another shot. A few moments later, he came up with a bit of chicken. He just couldn't stand it any longer. "I can't do this anymore! I'm gonna throw up!" "That's odd," remarked the hooker, "that's what the last guy did."
Prostitution / Sex Worker Allobosca 🥇 (2375) · 11-07-2026 0814The Greens want to measure the average emissions per meal by introducing “legal sustainability standards for food procurement”, which would “ensure the prioritisation” of vegan foods, which produce fewer emissions than animal products. My experience is that walking behind a vegan can be aromatic... How are they going to measure output - personal wind farms?
Political nausicaa (92) · 11-07-2026 0726I told my dad I couldn't believe that I'd failed my biology exam. He said, "I'm your mum".
White male suspect arrested over Ann Widdecombe murder after she was found covered in blood from head wound A white male not being her prefered attacker.
ponga (251) · 11-07-2026 0452President Macron has just declared that if Arthur Ferry wins Wimbledon, France will have a Bank Holiday.
Celebrities gnashermenace (72) · 10-07-2026 1342What are the three reasons why anal sex is better than vaginal sex? It's warmer, it's tighter, and it's more degrading to women.
Sex n Shit Allobosca 🥇 (2375) · 10-07-2026 0716Swansea City have just confirmed their new captain for next season: Ben Car-Ban-Go.
Football jjbomber (83) · 05-08-2026 1511I had no idea David Fuller got so excited about budget supermarkets He's been banging on all day about how much he wants to enter Lidl
Celebrity Death LennysCrevasse (695) · 04-08-2026 1734Going down on her and inner voice says "Fuck me lass, flaps like a dropped lasagne" but you still slurp and delve deep.
Coffin rescued from burning 160-year-old church: a coffin containing a body prepared for a funeral service was rescued from a large fire at St Andrew's Church, Leicester. I take it that it wasn't destined for the crematorium, then?
In The News nausicaa (92) · 03-08-2026 1425My wife said my jokes were laboured and lazy. “Well, I’ll get my coat then, shall I?”
Marriage / Wedding WayOutWest (419) · 02-08-2026 2004So today started good, then I said to wife "I am thinking of getting...." Woke up in A&E with a kitchen knife in my head!
Wife NotEasilyOffended (85) · 01-08-2026 2202A dear old lady knocked on the door and ever so politely asked if there was something I could do about my dog's howling when she's on heat so I told the bitch to shut up and get the fuck off my property before I set my dog on her.
The locksmith asked if it was an emergency. “She gets home in ten minutes.”
Dark WayOutWest (419) · 31-07-2026 1843Franco Baresi finally made it into the opponent's half where he suffered a catastrophic fatal nosebleed
Death LennysCrevasse (695) · 31-07-2026 0704Trust the science! But let me plead the fifth real quick!
Just asked Chico and MC Hammer the time. Absolute carnage.
I put my phone under my pillow last night. When I woke up it was gone and there was a pound coin in it's place. Fucking Bluetooth fairy!
Silly notbaldbob (1172) · 28-07-2026 1351I've just solved the intersection of the Bill Oddie / David Fuller Venn diagram It reads, "Love Birds Dead"
Death LennysCrevasse (695) · 27-07-2026 1823Have you ever had one of those moments before where something you did or said in the past just pops into your head randomly and it sets your cringe reflex into overdrive…? Well if not, now you fucking have.
Cockwomble (93) · 27-07-2026 1814For sale: One bird-whistle Contact Mrs Oddie for details
Death LennysCrevasse (695) · 27-07-2026 1758Ironic how most right-wing American 'Christians' claim to be against abortion, but they voted for a walking one.
Donald Trump theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥈 (2195) · 26-07-2026 1436My nan thought she'd found a lump in her breast. Turned out to be her knee.
Disability Stickyagain 🥉 🥈 (1391) · 24-07-2026 1415Can someone explain these el niño wet summers to me again please?
In The News Gungho_ED (275) · 21-07-2026 1930I was working in a takeaway years ago when a guy came in who looked exactly like Mike Tyson, face tattoo and everything. I was thinking I should ask for his autograph but when he placed his order I realised it wasn't him. He didn't ask for ears on his pizza.
Celebrities ianwatkins 🥉 (1843) · 20-07-2026 2147I was playing Mortal Kombat earlier when my wife got home from work. She switched the Playstation off at the wall and said, 'What kind of a man are you? I've been out working all day, and all you do is sit there playing bloody videogames!' I then achieved a Flawless Victory.
Domestic Violence/Woman Beating theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥈 (2195) · 20-07-2026 1843"I'd love it if I could beat this", said Kevin Keegan this morning Never mind
Death LennysCrevasse (695) · 20-07-2026 1444Apparently Chris Eubank has been short listed to be the next James Bond. Personally, I don't think he's cut out for the thecret thervith.
Wordplay Stallion (1597) · 19-07-2026 1936Home Alone 2 star dies age 80, following health problems. Fuck. It was Brenda Fricker.
Donald Trump theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥈 (2195) · 18-07-2026 0924The Met Office weather map is now permanently dark red. Yesterday it was 22 degrees in Slough and three interns had to be sedated.
In The News WayOutWest (419) · 15-07-2026 1509Ann Widdecombe murder: police investigate possibility killer was a lefty, as her skull was caved in on the right side.
In The News theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥈 (2195) · 15-07-2026 0542Joan of Arc was a French teenager who battered the opposition for years. Lamine Yamal only took 90 minutes
Football Stoops (45) · 14-07-2026 2156The band Oasis have decided to go into the food business, they are starting with a range of canned soups, best of all you got a roll with it.
Sam Neill has died aged 78. His family said the loss was sudden and unexpected. Death, uh… finds a way.
Celebrities WayOutWest (419) · 13-07-2026 0959A British couple have been rescued with severe burns during the Spanish wildfires. Fortunately, the wildfires weren’t responsible.
In The News WayOutWest (419) · 12-07-2026 1752England's equaliser against Norway has sparked controversy because the ball hit a camera cable in the build-up. The cable of God.
Football ponga (251) · 12-07-2026 1525A guy gets a job at a remote mining camp. After a couple of days work, he goes into the local, has a few beers, and asks the bartender about the lack of women in the camp. "No birds for 200 miles", replies the barman. "What does a man do for sex?". The bartender points to a large barrel in the corner. "Put ya old fella in the hole. Any day except Thursday". The guy wanders over & does as he's told. Within two minutes, he's got his end away. "Christ, that's not bad!", he thinks. He returns the next two nights, and gets the same result. The third night, he asks the barman if the barrel is free. "Like I said, any day except Thursdays". "Why Thursdays?", the guy asks. "Thursday's your day in the barrel".
Sex n Shit Allobosca 🥇 (2375) · 12-07-2026 1113A couple decide they quite want to try anal sex, but the woman decides to play it safe and seek medical advice first. "Anal sex is perfectly safe," says her doctor, "as long as you take it slowly at first and use plenty of lubricant. And you take care not to get pregnant, of course." "What?" says the woman incredulously, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?" "Certainly," replies the doc, "where did you think scousers came from?"
Scousers Allobosca 🥇 (2375) · 12-07-2026 1110Israel says it has lost one of its greatest friends, Lindsey Graham. Iran has asked everyone to respect the family’s privacy during this incredibly deniable period.
Political WayOutWest (419) · 12-07-2026 0938My mate told me he’d quit watching porn because it was getting too hardcore and always left him feeling disgusted with himself. Now he only watches intimate videos of himself and his wife. He says it’s reignited his desire for her and made their marriage much more meaningful. I’m trying to quit too, so I’ve asked him to send me the videos.
Sex n Shit WayOutWest (419) · 12-07-2026 0919Mary, exhausted, having just gotten Jesus to sleep is approached by a young man who thinks to himself: What this girl needs is a drum solo!
Religion innit (580) · 12-07-2026 0251Sky news criticized for discussing whether Anne Widecombe died a virgin. Well, she did, but.......
In The News Stickyagain 🥉 🥈 (1391) · 11-07-2026 1536Looks like someone did Ann Widdecombe then? That's killed her of course, not achieved the ultimate difficult wank. That simply cannot be done
Death LennysCrevasse (695) · 11-07-2026 1308One for aging folk-rockers only. Sound like a Widdicombe Fair mash-up with John 'Babbacombe' Lee.
Celebrities nausicaa (92) · 10-07-2026 1920The Clacton byelection should be interesting, with only two candidates. Count Binface vs Cunt Frogface.
Political theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 🥈 (2195) · 09-07-2026 1611My grandad worked in a paint factory. He died when he fell into a vat of varnish, but he did have a lovely finish. No, you fuck off.
Death Stickyagain 🥉 🥈 (1391) · 08-08-2026 0938As I was dancing next to this girl, I moved her closer to me and said, "Can you smell my Brut?" She said, "No but I can feel it"
Children who join TikTok and Instagram at 11 are 'six months behind' at school by their GCSE years. What a load of shit. I started TicTok at 8 and I love Trump.
Dumb/Thick ponga (251) · 04-08-2026 0533If you're a man who thinks he's a woman, you might have Chomosomes
LGBTQ4KHDTV+ etc innit (580) · 04-08-2026 0446Bit green, bit red tar sat at a bar. Green say an I have two pints, as barman says nah dont like yer red mate! You better watch out he's a cyclepath
Dad Jokes NotEasilyOffended (85) · 04-08-2026 0246The idea that Bill Oddie's death could cause his own avian pets to starve to death is for the birds
Death LennysCrevasse (695) · 27-07-2026 2018The best thing about getting a blowjob from an Ethiopian girl you're guaranteed she's going to swallow.
Sex n Shit Joeydeaconsbastard (1005) · 25-07-2026 0004David Fuller has said he'd love it if he could shag Kevin Keegan. Just love it
Dark LennysCrevasse (695) · 20-07-2026 1506I know it's terrible what has happened to Anne, but has anyone checked in on Josh?
In The News Gungho_ED (275) · 14-07-2026 2048I was watching the football and noticed that there's far too many whites on the pitch. We need to protest against whites stealing all the black people's jobs. It's disgusting. Whites shouldn't be televised. What is apartheid even for?
Sambo Sambo where you going Going go e oh. Sambo Sambo what you gonna do e oh. Sambo Sambo does your mother know. You're going to the park. To stab another niggero.
RIP Sam Neill "Houston, we have a problem" What a line and delivery. Love Bruce Willis
Death LennysCrevasse (695) · 13-07-2026 1228My wife came into the room and asked why our 3 year old son was screaming. "He kicked me in the balls," I said. "He doesn't understand that it hurts," she snapped. "He fucking does now," I replied.
Domestic Violence/Woman Beating Stallion (1597) · 13-07-2026 0634The BBC says the Strait of Hormuz is the fragile artery keeping Western civilisation alive. Mainly because “Trump causes slight inconvenience near some water” wasn’t frightening enough.
Political WayOutWest (419) · 12-07-2026 1732Jack and Jill went up the hill, Each had a quarter. Jack came down with fifty cents, And Jill had a daughter.
Sex n Shit Phil (118) · 12-07-2026 1518Leaving all these jokes about Tom Cruise aside... What the fuck was he doing playing in goal for England last night?
Celebrities LennysCrevasse (695) · 12-07-2026 1247A black man finds a lamp on the beach one day, thinking it might be worth a bit if it was cleaned up, he gives it a rub. Poof, out pops a genie! "For freeing me from the lamp I will grant you three wishes!" Thinking he's being wound up by his mates, he wishes for the first thing to pop into his head. "Give me an icecream!" Poof! An icecream stand appears with his name on it! A bit stunned, he sits there for a while eating his icecream, thinking long and hard before making his final two wishes, finally, he turns to the genie and says... "I want to be white and surrounded by women!" Poof! He turns into a tampon!
Racist Allobosca 🥇 (2375) · 12-07-2026 1117I like to look on the good side of Parkinson's disease. At least you get a good wank.
Disease/Illness Allobosca 🥇 (2375) · 12-07-2026 1105A man is born made of rock. One day he looks in the mirror and runs his hand across his rock body Then he says "hmm, I feel like cummingtonite."
Silly Allobosca 🥇 (2375) · 11-07-2026 0817What does a Jew wear while taking a shower? His gas mask.
Jewish Allobosca 🥇 (2375) · 11-07-2026 0815Ann Widdicome and Bonnie Tyler. Who's the Hat trick for the grim reapers bingo card?
Death Gingerpubes (140) · 10-07-2026 1226What turns a nine - stone weakling into a sixteen stone man of steel? Polio
Disease/Illness Allobosca 🥇 (2375) · 10-07-2026 0718I'm not saying that my wife is fat, but she fell down the stairs last night and I thought I'd just missed Eastenders.
Wife Stickyagain 🥉 🥈 (1391) · 08-08-2026 1105There's always light at the end of the tunnel. Unless you're Princess Diana
Celebrities Allobosca 🥇 (2375) · 12-07-2026 1103What's Michael Jackson favourite song? I'm forever blowing bubbles...
Celebrities Allobosca 🥇 (2375) · 11-07-2026 0823Muhammad, who came across illegally on the small boats and works washing cars, has been given a Wild Card to next year's Wimbledon Tennis, as he resides there in a tent. No different in principle to Fery...
gnashermenace (72) · 10-07-2026 1506