I had a phone call from my son's headmaster. "I'm afraid to tell you that a group of Asian lads ganged up on Michael and stuck his head down the toilet." "Little bastards. Is he OK now?" "Unfortunately not. They cut it off first."

2 comments

I was walking back to my place with this fat bird I'd pulled. I said "have you got any lube with you?" She said "oooh, have you got a big cock" I said "no, a narrow front door"

0 comments

My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner. ....so I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

0 comments

News: 5 arrested for fly-tipping. There’s a real dip in quality of Enid Blyton’s writing.

0 comments

My mate died in an accident with a cement lorry. There's already a statue of him.

0 comments

Worst solar eclipse ever! 1 star

1 comment

It will take some effort to get the coffin lid down.

0 comments

The families of the five pikeys killed in the A66 crash have gathered at the scene of the accident, to see if there's any scrap metal still lying around.

0 comments

My blood pressure is quite high so my doctor told me to eat more vegetables, leafy greens, kale, spinach etc. It tastes like shit but I just put loads of salt on it.

0 comments

I was blessed with a large penis. I would have preferred Holy Water.

0 comments

I saw my mate who has no legs yesterday waiting at the bus stop. I said "alright Dave , how are you getting on?"

0 comments

My Mrs says I'm crap at fixing appliances. Well she's in for a shock...

0 comments

Congratulations to Bonnie Blue on this big milestone… First time she’s had to guide someone OUT of her minge.

0 comments

29 years on, and I can still remember where I was and what I was doing when I heard Diana was dead. I was at the all-night panel beaters in Paris, getting my white Fiat Uno fixed.

0 comments

What's the difference between a black woman from the 1800s and a black woman today.. The type of lashes they get.

0 comments

My kids are scared of flies. They always start to cry when I unzip mine.

0 comments

Suicide must be ruled out There's no way Jason Arday did that himself

2 comments

I went on a date with a girl whose Tinder profile said she had an 'infectious smile'. She had cold sores.

0 comments

My friend from America is visiting me and he told me that he done a good deed today by holding an elevator door open for a spastic. I told him that kind of talk is not welcome in this country. In England we call them lifts.

1 comment

Sure is sunny this week! I've got such a good tan, earlier today I went into Patel's corner shop and he told me to fuck off back to my own country.

0 comments

I've often wondered what it'd be like to be a fly on the wall in Finsbury Park Mosque. Crowded, I'd imagine.

2 comments

Never thought I'd see anything more ironic than a guy in a wheelchair eating a bag of Walkers. Then I saw a black guy drinking a bottle of Innocent.

3 comments

Has anyone looked at "Sicki" lately? All completely unfunny "jokes" about breaking wind now, it's fucking dire! Thank the lord for THIS site....

8 comments

Of course black lives matter. A dead slave is useless.

0 comments

I can always tell if a woman has a good sense of humour. Just by feeling her breasts.

0 comments

Common English mistakes: Using they're instead of their. Using an apostrophe to indicate a plural. Letting Pakis into the country.

0 comments

I refused to believe I was gay and dyslexic. I was in Daniel.

1 comment

A vehicle has ploughed into crowds at Berlin Pride. The suspect reportedly had a beard, was shouting “Allahu Akbar”, wearing a suicide vest and fled the scene on a goat. Police are urging people not to speculate about the motive.

0 comments

I bought an R Kelly album once. There was a warning sticker on the cellophane. It said, 'Please keep this rapper away from babies and young children.'

0 comments

I've always stood up for black people. It's not worth getting stabbed over a seat

0 comments

If Adam and Eve had been Chinese... they would have eaten the snake.

0 comments

I must have really pissed off the wife when we had a go at erotic asphyxiation. She's been lying there for five days now,giving me the silent treatment.

0 comments

What's bitter, smells of onions and comes in a curry sauce? That Deliveroo driver you didn't tip.

0 comments

What's better than 2 dead coppers? 5 dead pikeys.

1 comment

I like my neighbours like I like my teeth. Straight and white.

0 comments

I can't understand why there are so many black people in TV adverts. We haven't been able to buy one for two hundred years.

1 comment

An Imam told me that throwing bacon at a Muslim is as offensive as throwing dog shit at them. Anyway, long story short, I'm now saving a fortune on bacon.

0 comments

I saw a post on my local community group on Facebook: 'MISSING: Our 3-year-old tabby cat, Oscar. He is recently neutered, wears a collar bell to alert birds, and we feed him a vegan diet.' I replied, 'And you're surprised he fucked off?'

0 comments

What's the worst thing that can happen when you are fucking your sister? The cot breaks.

2 comments

I'm old enough to remember the good old days, when you could still find porn mags in bushes. And bushes in porn mags.

0 comments

We call my grandad "Spiderman" he hasn't got any special powers, he just can't get out of the bath.

0 comments

I was standing at the bus stop, just finishing my cigarette, when the bus suddenly left without me. "Cunt!" I shouted. I could've sworn I put the handbrake on.

0 comments

I was having a lovely sleep earlier until some inconsiderate cunt decided to bounce off my windscreen

0 comments

Definition of Obscenity: Anything that gives the judge an erection.

0 comments

My brother and his family are moving to Glasgow. Well I'll be a junkie's uncle!

0 comments

Temperatures are soaring in England, with many ponds and lakes expected to dry up completely this week. Which will be handy as it will help the police find all the dopey kids who drowned while swimming in them last week.

0 comments

A ticket inspector banged on the door of the train toilet and said "where's your ticket?" I shouted FFS I'm having a shit! " He said" I don't believe you, pass it under the door" I said "there you go, the yellow bits are sweetcorn"

0 comments

The homeless problem would be solved if the Big Issue had tits in it

0 comments

I won first place in a political correctness competition the weekend... Though to be fair, so did everyone else.

1 comment

My dog bit a black guy the other day so the police told me to have him chipped. You should see the difference, he now operates at 16 Nigger bytes a second.

0 comments

Gambling brought my family closer together. We had to buy a smaller house

0 comments

I was playing pool in the pub last night. As I leaned in to take a shot my buddy said, 'Watch the black, mate!' I replied, 'Why, is he near my jacket again?'

0 comments

And in animal news, a little boy has learned to be careful what he wishes for after asking if he could feed the crocodiles at the zoo.

0 comments

My grief counselor died last week. She was that good at her job, I didn't give a fuck

0 comments

How do you make a black man nervous? Take him to an auction.

0 comments

If my wife didn't sleep with her mouth open I wouldn't get any sex at all.

0 comments

A lot of actors are really worried that in the future, they will be replaced in films by AI avatars, but many directors say that AI will never be able to do what real Hollywood stars do. I mean, how could a computer suck Harvey Weinstein's cock?

0 comments

When I was a kid my best friend was black.We used to play together all the time. Then my father sold him.

0 comments

Remember this day 29 years ago? Princess Diana was all over the radio. And the dashboard, and the glovebox...

0 comments

Cleveland Police. Tackling crime head on.

0 comments

I work for an organization that hands out clothes to the poor and disadvantaged. Primark

0 comments

People who post comments entirely in upper case want executing. Bring back capital punishment.

0 comments

Trials to fly a new type of aeroplane powered by gas have been abandoned after the pilot kept going out.

0 comments

I like my coffee how I like my women No pubes

0 comments

98 days ago I found a centipede in my garden, and I've been slowly torturing it ever since. It's on its last legs now.

0 comments

The BBC are to screen a new documentary about life in an average household in Bradford. 101 Damn Asians starts on Monday at 9pm.

0 comments

Princess Eugenie has given birth to a baby girl in Lisbon. Sarah Ferguson spoke to her daughter on a Facetime call shortly afterwards saying "Ooh, she's so pretty Eugenie, I can see your father in her!" Eugenie replied "Can you really?" "Yes," replied Sarah, "Probably the first time he gets to babysit!"

0 comments

What does paying for a sandwich and paying for a hooker have in common? Both could have been prevented if your wife was doing her job

0 comments

My doctor told me that I have xenophobia. I'll bet I caught it off some Paki cunt.

0 comments

I suddenly felt a tightness in my chest and my left arm went completely numb, of course I knew what to do straight away. I had a wank so it felt like someone else was doing it.

1 comment

Just wondering Was Bill Oddie taken away in a body bag or a Goodie bag.

0 comments

My date said she liked men who make an effort. She should see the well I dug in the cellar.

0 comments

"So how long are you in for?" I asked my new cellmate. "Just a couple of minutes and then I'm usually done," he replied, as he carried on thrusting.

0 comments

My girlfriend got pregnant because her coil didn't work. She's expecting a baby in the spring.

0 comments

I went to the barbers and said "I want my hair cut like Tom Cruise" so he sat me on a big cushion

0 comments

My mate Dave and I were hiking through the jungle in Cambodia. Suddenly I saw a metallic disc on the ground. I bent down to pick it up, and Dave shouts "stop!!! That's a mine!!!" I replied "hell no!! Finders keepers!! And why you suddenly speaking like an Italian??"

1 comment

There was a kid in my year at high school who got picked on all the time because he had Brittle Bone Disease. I'll never forget the day he finally snapped.

0 comments

I've invented a magic beam that you can aim at any woman's head and it instantly enables you to have sex with them. Although it's technically more of a plank.

4 comments

One of the barmaids in our pub got her nipple pierced. I'm shit at darts.

0 comments

I went to lunch with a champion chess player. It took him 8 minutes to pass me the salt...

0 comments

Lindsay Clancy blaming her hormones for murdering her children is like me blaming testosterone for raping mine.

0 comments

My wife suggested I take the kids skimming down the river. The 2-yr-old went the furthest.

0 comments

I'm not saying Pakis smell bad, but I spoke to one over an hour ago and I'm still gagging. And that was on the phone.

0 comments

It must be great being a necrophiliac. You can just go straight up to someone and tell them you fancy them rotten.

0 comments

How can you tell when you are a good rapist? When she gets on top halfway through Credit, the old wiki site , in pre insect days

0 comments

Which word ends in anal? Chloroform.

3 comments

Police confirm Jason Arday was murdered. They’ve allowed the media to report it as suicide so he can take the credit for someone else’s work one last time.

0 comments

The self deprecation society is taking applications for new members. I've already put myself down.

0 comments

I phoned my boss's mobile. "I'm on the train heading to the south coast now." "What..?" he answered, sounding a bit annoyed. "It's five o'clock in the fucking morning! What are you doing on a train?" "You tell me," I replied. "You're the one who told me to be in Brighton early this morning."

0 comments

Somali kid comes home from school. He proudly exclaimed "Mam my cock is 3 times the size of all the other kids. Is it because I'm black? " "No son its because your 23"

0 comments

How many policemen does it take to push a nigger down the stairs? None he fell.

0 comments

A black man was given a twenty five year jail sentence at Crown Court today for something he didn't do. Wipe his fingerprints off the gun.

0 comments

My wife said she's leaving me because she's never seen me sober. Fucking hell, I got married?

0 comments

People used to say that I was like Bill Oddie. I would often hide in bushes to spy on birds.

0 comments

Why is vodka clear? So the Russians can tell it isn't their tap water.

0 comments

Two books on a library shelf. ' You look thinner, ' said the first book. ' I've had my appendix removed, ' replied the second book.

0 comments

I’ve decided to liven up my sex life… The mortuary doesn’t do it for me anymore.

0 comments

A huge article just appeared featuring Dracula's lifestyle in Daily Mail. And yet, he didn't appear in The Mirror, or The Sun.

0 comments

HR asked whether I struggle to read social cues. I said no, then moved my chair closer because she seemed nervous.

0 comments

What would happen if you drop the bomb on Africa? Fuck all they're all over here.

0 comments

I don't know what's worse, me getting caught fucking my daughter, or the abortion clinic letting me bring her home in the first place.

0 comments

I can't believe my wife has kicked me out just for measuring my penis. Just for the record, it reaches the back of her sister's throat.

0 comments

I think it’s pretty cool how the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos.

0 comments

I saw a Paki filling up his car at a petrol station this morning. He managed to get seven adults and ten kids in there.

0 comments

My wife asked me to name all the women I've slept with. Upon reflection I should probably have stopped when I got to her...

2 comments

Apologies, this isn't a joke. I've just jumped ship from you know where and to my absolute joy, there ARE funny people still out there. Thank you, I hope you inspire me.

6 comments

I saw a middle-aged man in a terrible wig and shouted "Oi, what do you identify as faggot?" As it turns out, it was a really bad start to my trial!

0 comments

'Cabinet turns on Starmer' Is there anything that doesn't give him a boner?

1 comment

As we were undressing in the hotel room the prostitute said to me; 'Just so you know from the start, I don't do anal. Not for extra money, not for anything.' I replied, 'You know what? You're the worst fucking rent boy I've ever picked up.'

0 comments

I hear McDonald's has branches in Africa now. The customers must prefer them to tables and chairs.

0 comments

It's no surprise the Williams sisters were so successful at tennis. Black people have centuries of experience serving. And appearing at the courts, for that matter.

0 comments

My local authority have plans to build a sewage farm near me. It won't be popular but will bring a lot of jobs to the area.

0 comments

'Teen rapists spared jail due to intellectual limitations' Turns out the judge was a retard.

0 comments

I painted my motor home pink, gave the headlights eyelashes and fitted net curtains. It's now a camper van. No, you fuck off.

0 comments

On holiday last week, you could hear the 2 fit lesbians next door having sex every night. It wasn't easy though. You had to turn the telly right down and un-plug the fridge. My favourite joke I ever saw on Sicki Don't know who posted it but hats off

0 comments

As we left the restaurant, she kissed me and said, "We should have dinner again." "I don't think so," I replied, "I'm full."

0 comments

The family of the ‘Putney Pusher’ maintain he was totally innocent and was thrown under a bus by the Met police.

0 comments

Michael Owen "never ever" tells his children he loves them. That must make the sex awkward.

0 comments

I was on holiday with my Mrs, we were sat on the beach and all the other women were topless. I said "why don't you take your bikini top off?" She said "I feel self conscious" She finally did and said "how do I look?" I said "great" she said "really?" I said "yeah, it's pulled all the wrinkles out of your face "

0 comments

I came home last night and said to my wife "are you wearing knickers?" She said "no" I said "thank fuck, I thought the sofa cushion had split"

0 comments

Pervert psycho breaks into a laundry fucks 2 women and runs off. Headline. Nut screws washers and bolts

0 comments

I've just finished walking from Land's End to John O'Groats. It was either that or fly with Ryanair.

0 comments

How can you make cot death less distressing? Dress the baby in a clown's outfit.

0 comments

A black man walks into a petrol station and says, 'Give me all the money in the till, or I'll blow you away!' The cashier replies, 'But you haven't got a gun!' He says, 'Sorry, force of habit. Pump number four, please.'

0 comments

My best friend's wife died after being hit by a car. He asked me if I would say a few words at her funeral. ' Stop,Look and Listen, ' didn't go down very well.

0 comments

I met this girl in a club and she was all over me, she whispered in my ear "I want you to fuck me me really badly" She wasn't disappointed.

0 comments

Residents in Bradford who are being kept awake at night by fireworks set off by the city's Asian community have launched a petition asking the government to ban them. I signed it enthusiastically but then I realised they meant the fireworks.

0 comments

'I tell ya, England used to be a green and pleasant land; now it's a brown and unpleasant land.' 'Yeah, these droughts are something else, aren't they?' 'I didn't say anything about the droughts.'

0 comments

How do you make a woman cum? Who cares?

0 comments

How do you deal with a woman who won't open her legs for you? Tricky. In my experience, it depends on the cause: frigidity, lesbianism or rigor Mortis.

0 comments

I walked past a homeless guy in a doorway and dropped a few quid in his cup. A passerby said "you shouldn't give them money, some of them have their own homes" I said "not this one, I evicted him last week"

0 comments

My wife has learning difficulties. She's a woman.

0 comments

A woman who stabbed 4 men in Covent Garden has been arrested, with Police saying she was mentally ill. So she was a Muslim?

0 comments

What's blue and orange, and at the bottom of a swimming pool? A kid with flat arm bands

0 comments

A customer just asked me if we sold condoms. I said we don't, but have you tried Boots? He said yes, but it dribbles out of the lace holes.

0 comments

After a prostate exam, the doctor quickly leaves and a nurse enters with a worried look. She whispers the words no man wants to hear: "Who the fuck was that guy?".

3 comments

An old Marine Pilot sat down in a Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked: “Are you a real pilot”? He replied: Well, I’ve spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans… Flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I’ve taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you? She said: I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. ‘It seems everything makes me think of naked women.’ The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: “Are you a real pilot?” He replied: ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a Lesbian.’

0 comments

A British army sniper was asked how many people he had killed. "None," he replied, "only Muslims."

0 comments

My Chinese girlfriend dumped me and now I can't find my way home because I'm totally disoriented.

0 comments

"Do you love me?," she asked, "because I really love you." "No, I think of you more as a clingy nuisance," I replied to my 4 year old daughter.

0 comments

Why can't more than one woman play monopoly? Because there is only one iron.

2 comments

What do you say to a Geography graduate? Big Mac and fries, please.

0 comments

Over dinner my date asked me, 'So, do you have any guilty pleasures?' I replied, 'Of course I do. Everyone does. But it's our first date, I'd be far too embarrassed to tell you about that sort of thing.' 'Don't be shy! Tell you what, how about you tell me yours and then I'll tell you mine?' 'Okay, then. Here goes... Sometimes when I'm masturbating, I like to spread peanut butter on my cock and get the dog to lick it off. Deal's a deal, now you tell me yours!' 'Erm... The Carpenters and Billy Joel.'

0 comments

I joined a Facebook group for local missing people. Nice to finally put names to some of the faces.

0 comments

A man was savagely attacked at The Teddy Bear's Picnic. His condition is said to be improving but he's not out of the woods yet.

0 comments

The first thing I look for in a woman is intelligence. Because if she doesn't have that, there's a good chance I can fuck her.

0 comments

I saw a white girl down town the other day and she had 5 black kids! I thought to myself how unlucky is that being raped 5 times.

0 comments

My wife said to me yesterday "do you want to suck my tits?" I said "no, I don't eat anything that's been on the floor"

0 comments

My mates call me "polythene bag" I said "is that because I'm thin and flimsy?" They said "no, it's because you should be kept away from children"

0 comments

My mother-in-law bought a talking parrot, but she took it back a week later "This parrot hasn't said anything!" she complained. "I haven't had a fucking chance yet!" replied the parrot.

0 comments

I just saw a black guy running down the road with a Cape on I shouted, "Are you a Superhero?" He said, "No, I haven't paid for my haircut!"

0 comments

I recently made a girl squirt for the first time. It was pepper spray, but still a result.

0 comments

Apparently, North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York, which is a bit scary. If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.

0 comments

I took a girl back to my flat. "You haven't removed many bras have you?" she sighed. "What gave it away?" "The scissors, mainly."

0 comments

A few months ago my budgie escaped from its cage and had sex with the dog. Anyway, anybody want to buy some puppies, going cheap...?

0 comments

The missus walked out on me because of my shit sense of direction . She just packed her stuff and right.

0 comments

King Charles has revealed his recent treatment for cancer cost him his sense of taste. This is the guy who climbed over Diana to get to Camilla, he never fucking had one.

0 comments

Child killer Jamie Varley arrives for a meeting with his solicitor. "It's bad news," the solicitor says. "You're most likely looking at three to ten weeks in HMP Wakefield." "Three to ten weeks?" Varley says. "That's great! I thought I was getting life!" "You are," says the solicitor.

1 comment

Most of the rock legends of the 60s and 70s died young because of their utterly reckless behaviour. Jim Morrison used to snort huge amounts of cocaine. Keith Moon washed down his anti-alcoholism pills with champagne. And Marc Bolan let his missus drive.

0 comments

The most popular final meal on death row is fried chicken. Not very surprising really.

0 comments

I've been watching a lot of "reality" porn lately. You know, where the couple go to bed and nothing happens.

0 comments

I saw a guy wanking in front of a butchers shop... turns out he was a Welsh necrophiliac

1 comment

My black colleague at work was a bit upset and said, "My uncle died, he was like a father to me." "Were you very close?," I asked. "No," he replied, "I've never met him."

0 comments

I was showing my kids how to skim stones over water today but what a bunch of miserable bastards they are in the local swimming pool.

0 comments

London has such a caring community. I've just seen a group of homeless people giving each other the flu vaccine under a bridge.

0 comments

My last girlfriend dumped me when she found out what my mates used to call me in primary school. Jon Venables. (credit: Barry Martin)

0 comments

I've been trying to come up with a joke about niggers. None of them work.

0 comments

I got back to my mates flat last night after a session. In his hall he had a huge gong. "what's that?" I asked He said "it's a speaking clock" "how does it work" I asked He picked up a hammer and hit it, two seconds later a voice came through the wall and shouted "for fuck sake it's half past two in the morning!"

2 comments

25 years on, and I can still remember where I was and what I was doing when the Twin Towers collapsed. Sitting in front of the telly, making jokes about the Twin Towers collapsing.

0 comments

A young boy sat outside his house looking forlorn. A neighbour asked him "what's wrong Johnny"? Little Johnny said "the police have informed me both my parents are dead" "Oh thats terrible" said the neighbour. "Shall I fetch Father O'Neil?" "No thanks. I don't feel like sex right now"

0 comments

Two cops walk up to a group of five Pakis. "We're looking for a paedophile gang..." One of the Pakis replies "We'll do it!"

0 comments

Took the wife to Specsavers yesterday. Even they couldn't see why I married her.

0 comments

If Adam & Eve were American... They'd have been fine cos there's no way Adam would've been tempted to eat a piece of fresh fruit

0 comments

After thirty years, police have finally identified the man they believe killed Tupac Shakur, based on a memoir he wrote and numerous TV interviews in which he repeatedly boasted of being the perpetrator. Professor Jason Arday.

0 comments

The weather is very muggy today. Very appropriate for the Notting Hill Carnival.

0 comments

"What we know about the 33 British nationals missing in Nepal" They're all dead and their lungs are full of mud?

0 comments

So, come up to the lab... And see what's on the slab. Oh, it's me. RIP Frank Furter.

0 comments

If you rape someone properly, there's no need to kill them. They'll do that themselves

0 comments

Nashville have said they plan to have a statue of Dolly Parton made. It would be more appropriate to have a bust!

0 comments

The estate agent was showing me round the only flat I could afford. He said "there's the fridge and washing machine, shall we go indoors now."

0 comments

The go fund me collection for the two policemen tragically killed in Cleveland has reached over £700,000 …..and for the pikey lookalikes…. Two washing machines and old iron gate and a rusty bike with one wheel

0 comments

Every week, hundreds of sex offenders have go to the police station. To start work.

0 comments

Little Leroy says to little Tanisha, 'Wanna play Mummies and Daddies?' 'Sure,' she replies. So he fucks off.

0 comments

My wife's vagina smells like Roses. Roses is much tighter though.

0 comments

20% off school clothes at ASDA. I always thought the skirts were too long.

0 comments

In front of me in the queue at the clothing store yesterday, a young lass was trying to return a pair of knickers. 'I'm sorry,' said the assistant, 'but we can't accept these as you've worn them.' I tapped her on the shoulder and said, 'I'll take them off your hands for the price you paid, if you like.' 'Thanks mister, but I'm a size ten, are you sure these will fit your wife?' 'Errr... yeah, wife, that's it...'

0 comments

There's a gang in my area who recruit new members by threatening people with all kinds of horrific punishments if they refuse to join. But enough about the church...

0 comments

For Halloween last year, I bought a George Floyd mask on eBay. Had to send it back though. When I put it on I couldn't breathe.

0 comments

I saw Guardians of the Galaxy last night. We were actually watching The Avengers, but the wife had her sister over, and I asked if I could have a bit of their chocolate.

0 comments

I've taken up meditation. It's better than siting about doing nothing.

3 comments

'Urgent search for three schoolgirls aged 12, 13 and 14.' Not a news headline, my profile info on Tinder.

0 comments

Fellas, if your bride reveals shaved pubes on your wedding night, it means she's a little kinky and will make the effort to keep your sex life interesting throughout your marriage. Ladies, if your husband reveals shaved pubes on your wedding night, it means he got crabs from a hooker on his stag do.

0 comments

I asked my wife how many men she had slept with. She said "only you" I said "wow, really?" She said "yes, all the others kept me up all night, shagging"

0 comments

I can say with confidence that no woman I've ever shagged has faked an orgasm. They're always too busy crying and struggling.

0 comments

At the Library today I asked if they had any books on childbirth. The Librarian said “Try over there in the C section”.

0 comments

Harry and Meghan sailed around a remote island during a secret trip to Scotland. But not quite secret enough to avoid publicity photos.

0 comments

My wife went mental last night when i shouted out somebody else's name during sex. "Who the fuck is Dave?" she asked.

1 comment

'Alpacin Caffeine shampoo, German engineering for your hair' Anyone else concerned about trusting German shower products?

0 comments

The Jodrell Bank Observatory, which can see billions of light years into space, has lost its funding and could now close. Strange how they didn't see that coming...

0 comments

I walked into work this morning and my boss told me to have good day. So I turned around, walked back out and fucked off to the pub with my mates.

0 comments

Just got back from wine-tasting in Bordeaux Must say, this year's Claret has a rather smoky finish

0 comments

During sex with the wife, I suddenly stopped and didn't move. She said, "What are you doing?" And I said " I saw this on Pornhub, it's called buffering."

0 comments

Marriage, because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.

0 comments

A sign above the door where I work says "Once you go black you never come back". You've got to have a sense of humour in the crematorium.

0 comments

My dad’s always been fascinated by our family history, so I bought him a DNA ancestry test for his birthday. He must have thought it was a shit present. He hasn’t spoken to me since. Or Mum, oddly.

0 comments

My wife wanted to feel like she was on Love Island. So I invited a bunch of spastics round and blew up the inflatable paddling pool.

0 comments

My wife walked in on me fucking a girl at work up the arse. She screamed "you can't do this to me!" I said "I know, that's why I'm doing it to her! "

0 comments

I accidentally swallowed a load of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.

0 comments

My therapist told me I need to stop imagining scenarios. I don't have a therapist.

0 comments

Someone keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off. I think I'm being stalked.

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The British people who live on the Falkland Islands are an 'artificially transplanted population' Argentina's white president Javier Milei angrily declares in Spanish.

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Q. What's better than winning a world cup? A. Winning a war Fuck you Argentina

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All women are bi. It's just a matter of figuring out whether she's bipolar or bisexual.

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I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.

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It's no wonder our politicians don't prosecute or deport illegal immigrants, grooming gangs, etc. They have far more pressing matters to address, like going through a long legal process in order to cancel the execution of a woman who was hanged for murder seventy years ago.

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I went to Tesco today, turned out they had a special on. He collects the trolleys...

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I dumped my girlfriend because she enjoys anal sex. Don't get me wrong I love fucking women up the ass - but only when they hate it.

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I've swapped all the labels on the wife's spice rack in the kitchen. She hasn't noticed yet but mark my words, the thyme is cumin....

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"Grooming gangs come from diverse backgrounds" states Home Office as long awaited review is published. Yes, Islamabad, Peshawar, Kabul and Lahore to name but a few..

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Don't you hate when you've got a whistle in your nose. I know the ref who sent me off does.

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Confusion over events involving a boy and a crocodile in Huntingdon. Things weren't helped by a dog stealing his sausages while onlookers shouted "that's the way to do it."

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Gary Glitter likes having sex with underage girls, doesn't like having his picture in the papers, and is always insisting that everyone join his gang. Is it just me, or does anyone else think he might be the reincarnation of the Prophet Mohammed?

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Being kissed in your sleep is the purest form of love unless you're home alone or in prison.

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I sat near some Chavs on the bus home today. For the whole journey it was just 'F this' and 'F that'. Guess they had to discuss their exam results sometime.

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My sister held one of those 'gender reveal' parties when she was pregnant. She popped the balloons, and the glitter was pink. In hindsight she should've gone with blue, as her daughter was stillborn.

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When people say "he's alright once you get to know him" it actually means "he's a cunt, but you'll get used to it"

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Plastic surgery used to be taboo. Now when you mention Botox nobody raises an eyebrow.

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I'm making a fortune out of selling home security systems. The sale is easy. All I do is say "Hello." At 3am whilst sitting on the end of their bed.

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A Frenchman walks into a library and asks for a book on war The librarian replies, Fuck off, you'll lose it

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Got sacked from the zoo yesterday for leaving the lion's cage open. Who the fuck is gonna steal a lion?

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A priest gets onto his train and finds his seat, opposite a heavily pregnant lady. She stops knitting to nod hello, and the priest nods back as he takes out his thermos and newspaper. Over the course of the journey, he can't help but notice over his paper that every ten minutes the lady stops knitting, takes out a bottle of tablets, pops two, then goes back to her needles. Eventually, curiosity gets the better of him, and he spies on her pill-popping, and he's shocked to see that the bottle is marked Thalydomide. Stopping her, he stammers "Eh-excuse me m-miss, but don'y you know t-that thal-thalydomide can s-s-seriously harm your b-baby?" "Yes," she replies, "but I can't do sleeves."

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A Miss Switzerland finalist has been killed by her husband, who then put her body parts into a blender. She's now eligible for Miss Whirled.

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If I had £10 for every gender, I'd have £20 and a shitload of monopoly money.

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The Paki bloke at work showed me his tattoo. "Isn't that one of those that wash off,?" I asked. "I don't know," he replied.

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Joanna Wietrzyk is sponsored by Puma Pants. (Pronounced "poo ma pants)

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What Prince George can expect on his first day at Eton today. A moist digestive busicuit.

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I can't stand it when women breastfeed in public. There's always a fucking baby in the way of the action.

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Home-Ec Teacher: "Now children, how do you make olive spread?" Little Jonny: "Two bottles of Vodka and rohypnol, Miss?"

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I was walking by the railway line the other day when I noticed a bright yellow phone box by the tracks. Moving closer, I was able to read the words on the side: '24/7 Suicide Helpline' it said. Out of curiosity, I picked up the receiver and put it to my ear. "Now lay down on the tracks," said the voice on the other end.

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I accidentally walked into the ladies toilet at work. I was standing over the bowl pissing and a voice behind me said "this is for ladies only" I looked down at my cock and said "so is this, but I have to run some water through it occasionally"

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I told the woman sitting in front of me in the bus that she had semen on the back of her hair. She smiled and said, ' It's probably just shampoo. ' ' I don't ejaculate shampoo, ' I replied.

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I saw a Chinese shoplifter at work and I shouted "hey you" he shouted back "how you know my name?" Coat off the peg already

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Loving the tributes to "King Kev" Keegan at St James' Park today. That's what I like to see, KKK flags everywhere.

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Last Christmas I got the Katie Price advent calendar. If you open its flaps you end up with some really thick chocolate.

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When I rate my sexual partners out of 10, I'm just guessing their ages.

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If you are ever stopped by a policeman while doing something you shouldn't, you should always make sure to call him 'sir.' If you need to leg it he will find it much harder to run after you if he has an erection.

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First James Corden, now the fucking Markles returning to the UK. I'd rather have Shamima Begum back.

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I hate my neighbours so much that I've decided to sell my house. To Pakis.

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White smoke has been seen coming from the Sistine Chapel. The Pope hasn't died, he's just torching his hard drive.

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If I ever get nabbed by one of those online paedo hunter groups, I've got my excuse ready: 'I'm dyslexic. Thought she was 31...'

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