News: 5 arrested for fly-tipping. There’s a real dip in quality of Enid Blyton’s writing.

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I had a phone call from my son's headmaster. "I'm afraid to tell you that a group of Asian lads ganged up on Michael and stuck his head down the toilet." "Little bastards. Is he OK now?" "Unfortunately not. They cut it off first."

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My blood pressure is quite high so my doctor told me to eat more vegetables, leafy greens, kale, spinach etc. It tastes like shit but I just put loads of salt on it.

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I was blessed with a large penis. I would have preferred Holy Water.

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I saw my mate who has no legs yesterday waiting at the bus stop. I said "alright Dave , how are you getting on?"

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I went on a date with a girl whose Tinder profile said she had an 'infectious smile'. She had cold sores.

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My friend from America is visiting me and he told me that he done a good deed today by holding an elevator door open for a spastic. I told him that kind of talk is not welcome in this country. In England we call them lifts.

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My Mrs says I'm crap at fixing appliances. Well she's in for a shock...

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Sure is sunny this week! I've got such a good tan, earlier today I went into Patel's corner shop and he told me to fuck off back to my own country.

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I've often wondered what it'd be like to be a fly on the wall in Finsbury Park Mosque. Crowded, I'd imagine.

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Common English mistakes: Using they're instead of their. Using an apostrophe to indicate a plural. Letting Pakis into the country.

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I refused to believe I was gay and dyslexic. I was in Daniel.

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A vehicle has ploughed into crowds at Berlin Pride. The suspect reportedly had a beard, was shouting “Allahu Akbar”, wearing a suicide vest and fled the scene on a goat. Police are urging people not to speculate about the motive.

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I bought an R Kelly album once. There was a warning sticker on the cellophane. It said, 'Please keep this rapper away from babies and young children.'

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Never thought I'd see anything more ironic than a guy in a wheelchair eating a bag of Walkers. Then I saw a black guy drinking a bottle of Innocent.

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I saw a post on my local community group on Facebook: 'MISSING: Our 3-year-old tabby cat, Oscar. He is recently neutered, wears a collar bell to alert birds, and we feed him a vegan diet.' I replied, 'And you're surprised he fucked off?'

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I'm old enough to remember the good old days, when you could still find porn mags in bushes. And bushes in porn mags.

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We call my grandad "Spiderman" he hasn't got any special powers, he just can't get out of the bath.

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I was standing at the bus stop, just finishing my cigarette, when the bus suddenly left without me. "Cunt!" I shouted. I could've sworn I put the handbrake on.

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I was having a lovely sleep earlier until some inconsiderate cunt decided to bounce off my windscreen

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I've always stood up for black people. It's not worth getting stabbed over a seat

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I can always tell if a woman has a good sense of humour. Just by feeling her breasts.

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The homeless problem would be solved if the Big Issue had tits in it

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I won first place in a political correctness competition the weekend... Though to be fair, so did everyone else.

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My dog bit a black guy the other day so the police told me to have him chipped. You should see the difference, he now operates at 16 Nigger bytes a second.

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Gambling brought my family closer together. We had to buy a smaller house

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What's the worst thing that can happen when you are fucking your sister? The cot breaks.

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I was playing pool in the pub last night. As I leaned in to take a shot my buddy said, 'Watch the black, mate!' I replied, 'Why, is he near my jacket again?'

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And in animal news, a little boy has learned to be careful what he wishes for after asking if he could feed the crocodiles at the zoo.

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My grief counselor died last week. She was that good at her job, I didn't give a fuck

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How do you make a black man nervous? Take him to an auction.

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If my wife didn't sleep with her mouth open I wouldn't get any sex at all.

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My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner. ....so I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

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What does paying for a sandwich and paying for a hooker have in common? Both could have been prevented if your wife was doing her job

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I suddenly felt a tightness in my chest and my left arm went completely numb, of course I knew what to do straight away. I had a wank so it felt like someone else was doing it.

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Just wondering Was Bill Oddie taken away in a body bag or a Goodie bag.

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My date said she liked men who make an effort. She should see the well I dug in the cellar.

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"So how long are you in for?" I asked my new cellmate. "Just a couple of minutes and then I'm usually done," he replied, as he carried on thrusting.

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My girlfriend got pregnant because her coil didn't work. She's expecting a baby in the spring.

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I went to the barbers and said "I want my hair cut like Tom Cruise" so he sat me on a big cushion

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My mate Dave and I were hiking through the jungle in Cambodia. Suddenly I saw a metallic disc on the ground. I bent down to pick it up, and Dave shouts "stop!!! That's a mine!!!" I replied "hell no!! Finders keepers!! And why you suddenly speaking like an Italian??"

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There was a kid in my year at high school who got picked on all the time because he had Brittle Bone Disease. I'll never forget the day he finally snapped.

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Princess Eugenie has given birth to a baby girl in Lisbon. Sarah Ferguson spoke to her daughter on a Facetime call shortly afterwards saying "Ooh, she's so pretty Eugenie, I can see your father in her!" Eugenie replied "Can you really?" "Yes," replied Sarah, "Probably the first time he gets to babysit!"

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A black man was given a twenty five year jail sentence at Crown Court today for something he didn't do. Wipe his fingerprints off the gun.

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My wife said she's leaving me because she's never seen me sober. Fucking hell, I got married?

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People used to say that I was like Bill Oddie. I would often hide in bushes to spy on birds.

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Why is vodka clear? So the Russians can tell it isn't their tap water.

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Two books on a library shelf. ' You look thinner, ' said the first book. ' I've had my appendix removed, ' replied the second book.

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I’ve decided to liven up my sex life… The mortuary doesn’t do it for me anymore.

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A huge article just appeared featuring Dracula's lifestyle in Daily Mail. And yet, he didn't appear in The Mirror, or The Sun.

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HR asked whether I struggle to read social cues. I said no, then moved my chair closer because she seemed nervous.

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What would happen if you drop the bomb on Africa? Fuck all they're all over here.

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I don't know what's worse, me getting caught fucking my daughter, or the abortion clinic letting me bring her home in the first place.

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I think it’s pretty cool how the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos.

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I saw a Paki filling up his car at a petrol station this morning. He managed to get seven adults and ten kids in there.

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My wife asked me to name all the women I've slept with. Upon reflection I should probably have stopped when I got to her...

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Apologies, this isn't a joke. I've just jumped ship from you know where and to my absolute joy, there ARE funny people still out there. Thank you, I hope you inspire me.

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I saw a middle-aged man in a terrible wig and shouted "Oi, what do you identify as faggot?" As it turns out, it was a really bad start to my trial!

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'Cabinet turns on Starmer' Is there anything that doesn't give him a boner?

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As we were undressing in the hotel room the prostitute said to me; 'Just so you know from the start, I don't do anal. Not for extra money, not for anything.' I replied, 'You know what? You're the worst fucking rent boy I've ever picked up.'

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I hear McDonald's has branches in Africa now. The customers must prefer them to tables and chairs.

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It's no surprise the Williams sisters were so successful at tennis. Black people have centuries of experience serving. And appearing at the courts, for that matter.

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My local authority have plans to build a sewage farm near me. It won't be popular but will bring a lot of jobs to the area.

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'Teen rapists spared jail due to intellectual limitations' Turns out the judge was a retard.

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I painted my motor home pink, gave the headlights eyelashes and fitted net curtains. It's now a camper van. No, you fuck off.

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I've invented a magic beam that you can aim at any woman's head and it instantly enables you to have sex with them. Although it's technically more of a plank.

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On holiday last week, you could hear the 2 fit lesbians next door having sex every night. It wasn't easy though. You had to turn the telly right down and un-plug the fridge. My favourite joke I ever saw on Sicki Don't know who posted it but hats off

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As we left the restaurant, she kissed me and said, "We should have dinner again." "I don't think so," I replied, "I'm full."

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The BBC are to screen a new documentary about life in an average household in Bradford. 101 Damn Asians starts on Monday at 9pm.

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A ticket inspector banged on the door of the train toilet and said "where's your ticket?" I shouted FFS I'm having a shit! " He said" I don't believe you, pass it under the door" I said "there you go, the yellow bits are sweetcorn"

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My doctor told me that I have xenophobia. I'll bet I caught it off some Paki cunt.

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What's blue and orange, and at the bottom of a swimming pool? A kid with flat arm bands

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A customer just asked me if we sold condoms. I said we don't, but have you tried Boots? He said yes, but it dribbles out of the lace holes.

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After a prostate exam, the doctor quickly leaves and a nurse enters with a worried look. She whispers the words no man wants to hear: "Who the fuck was that guy?".

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An old Marine Pilot sat down in a Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked: “Are you a real pilot”? He replied: Well, I’ve spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans… Flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I’ve taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you? She said: I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. ‘It seems everything makes me think of naked women.’ The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: “Are you a real pilot?” He replied: ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a Lesbian.’

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A British army sniper was asked how many people he had killed. "None," he replied, "only Muslims."

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My Chinese girlfriend dumped me and now I can't find my way home because I'm totally disoriented.

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"Do you love me?," she asked, "because I really love you." "No, I think of you more as a clingy nuisance," I replied to my 4 year old daughter.

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Why can't more than one woman play monopoly? Because there is only one iron.

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What do you say to a Geography graduate? Big Mac and fries, please.

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Over dinner my date asked me, 'So, do you have any guilty pleasures?' I replied, 'Of course I do. Everyone does. But it's our first date, I'd be far too embarrassed to tell you about that sort of thing.' 'Don't be shy! Tell you what, how about you tell me yours and then I'll tell you mine?' 'Okay, then. Here goes... Sometimes when I'm masturbating, I like to spread peanut butter on my cock and get the dog to lick it off. Deal's a deal, now you tell me yours!' 'Erm... The Carpenters and Billy Joel.'

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I joined a Facebook group for local missing people. Nice to finally put names to some of the faces.

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A man was savagely attacked at The Teddy Bear's Picnic. His condition is said to be improving but he's not out of the woods yet.

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The first thing I look for in a woman is intelligence. Because if she doesn't have that, there's a good chance I can fuck her.

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I saw a white girl down town the other day and she had 5 black kids! I thought to myself how unlucky is that being raped 5 times.

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My wife said to me yesterday "do you want to suck my tits?" I said "no, I don't eat anything that's been on the floor"

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I can't believe my wife has kicked me out just for measuring my penis. Just for the record, it reaches the back of her sister's throat.

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My mates call me "polythene bag" I said "is that because I'm thin and flimsy?" They said "no, it's because you should be kept away from children"

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My mother-in-law bought a talking parrot, but she took it back a week later "This parrot hasn't said anything!" she complained. "I haven't had a fucking chance yet!" replied the parrot.

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I just saw a black guy running down the road with a Cape on I shouted, "Are you a Superhero?" He said, "No, I haven't paid for my haircut!"

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I recently made a girl squirt for the first time. It was pepper spray, but still a result.

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Apparently, North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York, which is a bit scary. If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.

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I took a girl back to my flat. "You haven't removed many bras have you?" she sighed. "What gave it away?" "The scissors, mainly."

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A few months ago my budgie escaped from its cage and had sex with the dog. Anyway, anybody want to buy some puppies, going cheap...?

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The missus walked out on me because of my shit sense of direction . She just packed her stuff and right.

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King Charles has revealed his recent treatment for cancer cost him his sense of taste. This is the guy who climbed over Diana to get to Camilla, he never fucking had one.

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Child killer Jamie Varley arrives for a meeting with his solicitor. "It's bad news," the solicitor says. "You're most likely looking at three to ten weeks in HMP Wakefield." "Three to ten weeks?" Varley says. "That's great! I thought I was getting life!" "You are," says the solicitor.

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Most of the rock legends of the 60s and 70s died young because of their utterly reckless behaviour. Jim Morrison used to snort huge amounts of cocaine. Keith Moon washed down his anti-alcoholism pills with champagne. And Marc Bolan let his missus drive.

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The most popular final meal on death row is fried chicken. Not very surprising really.

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I've been watching a lot of "reality" porn lately. You know, where the couple go to bed and nothing happens.

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I saw a guy wanking in front of a butchers shop... turns out he was a Welsh necrophiliac

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My black colleague at work was a bit upset and said, "My uncle died, he was like a father to me." "Were you very close?," I asked. "No," he replied, "I've never met him."

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I was showing my kids how to skim stones over water today but what a bunch of miserable bastards they are in the local swimming pool.

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London has such a caring community. I've just seen a group of homeless people giving each other the flu vaccine under a bridge.

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My wife has learning difficulties. She's a woman.

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A woman who stabbed 4 men in Covent Garden has been arrested, with Police saying she was mentally ill. So she was a Muslim?

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How many policemen does it take to push a nigger down the stairs? None he fell.

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I said to the chemist "can I have some Viagra please" He said "have you got a prescription?" I said "no, but here's a picture of my wife"

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Harry and Meghan sailed around a remote island during a secret trip to Scotland. But not quite secret enough to avoid publicity photos.

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My wife went mental last night when i shouted out somebody else's name during sex. "Who the fuck is Dave?" she asked.

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'Alpacin Caffeine shampoo, German engineering for your hair' Anyone else concerned about trusting German shower products?

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The Jodrell Bank Observatory, which can see billions of light years into space, has lost its funding and could now close. Strange how they didn't see that coming...

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I walked into work this morning and my boss told me to have good day. So I turned around, walked back out and fucked off to the pub with my mates.

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Just got back from wine- tasting in Bordeaux Must say, this year's Claret has a rather smoky finish

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During sex with the wife, I suddenly stopped and didn't move. She said, "What are you doing?" And I said " I saw this on Pornhub, it's called buffering."

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Marriage, because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.

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A sign above the door where I work says "Once you go black you never come back". You've got to have a sense of humour in the crematorium.

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My wife wanted to feel like she was on Love Island. So I invited a bunch of spastics round and blew up the inflatable paddling pool.

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My wife walked in on me fucking a girl at work up the arse. She screamed "you can't do this to me!" I said "I know, that's why I'm doing it to her! "

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I accidentally swallowed a load of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.

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My therapist told me I need to stop imagining scenarios. I don't have a therapist.

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Someone keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off. I think I'm being stalked.

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The British people who live on the Falkland Islands are an 'artificially transplanted population' Argentina's white president Javier Milei angrily declares in Spanish.

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Q. What's better than winning a world cup? A. Winning a war Fuck you Argentina

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All women are bi. It's just a matter of figuring out whether she's bipolar or bisexual.

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I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.

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It's no wonder our politicians don't prosecute or deport illegal immigrants, grooming gangs, etc. They have far more pressing matters to address, like going through a long legal process in order to cancel the execution of a woman who was hanged for murder seventy years ago.

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I went to Tesco today, turned out they had a special on. He collects the trolleys...

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I dumped my girlfriend because she enjoys anal sex. Don't get me wrong I love fucking women up the ass - but only when they hate it.

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I've swapped all the labels on the wife's spice rack in the kitchen. She hasn't noticed yet but mark my words, the thyme is cumin....

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"Grooming gangs come from diverse backgrounds" states Home Office as long awaited review is published. Yes, Islamabad, Peshawar, Kabul and Lahore to name but a few..

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Don't you hate when you've got a whistle in your nose. I know the ref who sent me off does.

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Confusion over events involving a boy and a crocodile in Huntingdon. Things weren't helped by a dog stealing his sausages while onlookers shouted "that's the way to do it."

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Gary Glitter likes having sex with underage girls, doesn't like having his picture in the papers, and is always insisting that everyone join his gang. Is it just me, or does anyone else think he might be the reincarnation of the Prophet Mohammed?

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Being kissed in your sleep is the purest form of love unless you're home alone or in prison.

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I sat near some Chavs on the bus home today. For the whole journey it was just 'F this' and 'F that'. Guess they had to discuss their exam results sometime.

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A lass I know posted on Facebook; 'My toddler nearly made it under the garden fence today! Lol, wood and nails will be out first thing tomorrow!' Bloody hell, crucifixion's a bit harsh.

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My sister held one of those 'gender reveal' parties when she was pregnant. She popped the balloons, and the glitter was pink. In hindsight she should've gone with blue, as her daughter was stillborn.

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Plastic surgery used to be taboo. Now when you mention Botox nobody raises an eyebrow.

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I'm making a fortune out of selling home security systems. The sale is easy. All I do is say "Hello." At 3am whilst sitting on the end of their bed.

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A Frenchman walks into a library and asks for a book on war The librarian replies, Fuck off, you'll lose it

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Got sacked from the zoo yesterday for leaving the lion's cage open. Who the fuck is gonna steal a lion?

1 comment

A priest gets onto his train and finds his seat, opposite a heavily pregnant lady. She stops knitting to nod hello, and the priest nods back as he takes out his thermos and newspaper. Over the course of the journey, he can't help but notice over his paper that every ten minutes the lady stops knitting, takes out a bottle of tablets, pops two, then goes back to her needles. Eventually, curiosity gets the better of him, and he spies on her pill-popping, and he's shocked to see that the bottle is marked Thalydomide. Stopping her, he stammers "Eh-excuse me m-miss, but don'y you know t-that thal-thalydomide can s-s-seriously harm your b-baby?" "Yes," she replies, "but I can't do sleeves."

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A Miss Switzerland finalist has been killed by her husband, who then put her body parts into a blender. She's now eligible for Miss Whirled.

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If I had £10 for every gender, I'd have £20 and a shitload of monopoly money.

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The Paki bloke at work showed me his tattoo. "Isn't that one of those that wash off,?" I asked. "I don't know," he replied.

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98 days ago I found a centipede in my garden, and I've been slowly torturing it ever since. It's on its last legs now.

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At the Library today I asked if they had any books on childbirth. The Librarian said “Try over there in the C section”.

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I finally quit drinking for good. Now, I drink FOR EVIL 😈 🍸

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My sister just announced that she's pregnant by her boyfriend, Leroy. Well I'll be a monkey's uncle!

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The suspect in the Berlin terrorist attack was shot in a allotment…do you think he was a plant

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The first thing I thought when I woke up today was, 'Thank God I'm not Iranian.' Not because of the war over there, I'm just racist.

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Some of the fucking weird shit parents say in the school WhatsApp group. “Why are you in here? You don’t even have a kid.”

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My dad’s always been fascinated by our family history, so I bought him a DNA ancestry test for his birthday. He must have thought it was a shit present. He hasn’t spoken to me since. Or Mum, oddly.

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Congratulations to Amy Winehouse. Fifteen years sober today.

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You can't fool an aborted foetus. It wasn't born yesterday.

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Dyslexic lives mattress.

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I've heard that supermarkets secretly waft the smell of their .bakery around the store to encourage you to buy bread. I can only come to the conclusion that my local paki shop is trying to sell more toilet rolls.

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Massive congratulations to Andy Burnham who today takes office as Britain's last Labour Prime Minister!

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My mate went to get a tattoo of an Indian on his back. Half way through he said, "Don't forget to put a big tomahawk in his hand." The tattooist said "For fuck sake, give us a chance mate, I've only just finished his turban!"

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I've been watching so much porn lately, I've started spitting on my front door lock before I put the key in

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Knock knock. Who's there? Doorbell repairman.

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I phoned the Alcoholic Helpline. "So," I asked, "how do you make a mojito?"

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If I could go back in time I'd kill Hitler. Right after I raped Marilyn Monroe.

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I had a goldfish that could breakdance on the carpet. Only for like 20 seconds. And only once.

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I'm just watching the Tour de France. I don't know why they bother, the bloke at the front on the motorbike wins every year.

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"I've shaved my pubes if you fancy a bit", my wife said seductively. "Yeah, gimme a bag full and I'll insulate the loft", I replied.

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I just tried to explain to my 4-year-old grandson that it's perfectly normal to accidentally shit your pants, but he's still making fun of me.

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A Saudi judge is standing over a dozen condemned men in a prison courtyard. "All of you have been convicted of theft for a third time," the judge says. "And as you know, under shariah law the penalty for a third theft offence is death." The prisoners all start trembling and whimpering as the judge gestures towards the state executioner, eagerly sharpening his beheading sword. "However," the judge says, with clear disappointment. "Our Glorious King has recently been petitioned by the United Nations to adopt a more liberal style justice system." Some of the prisoners look up hopefully while others pray quietly to Allah. "As such," the judge sighs. "Those convicted of a third theft are henceforth to be given a choice between beheading and participation in a half-day Offender Rehabilitation Workshop." The prisoner's mouths drop open. Many start sobbing with joy. "So," the judge says. "Hands up everyone who wants to do the workshop."

0 comments

How do you crucify a cripple? On a Swastika.

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I've just been to visit the wife's grave. Bless her, she still thinks I'm digging a pond.

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I was walking past a group of teenagers earlier when one of them shouted, 'Oi, mate! That suit makes you look like a paedo!' I replied, 'Yeah, I got it on Savile Row.'

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Prince Harry to take Archie and Lilibet to his mother Diana's grave for the first time. With a gentle reminder that this is what happens if either of you fuck an Arab.

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When I first met my future wife I thought "wow, what an arse!" Sadly, she thought the same about me.

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I finally got my hands on some Rohypnol, but I'm a bit confused. On the packet it says 'Best Before Date', but then there's no numbers or anything.

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My three favourite things are eating out my friends and not using commas.

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Always remember when we went to see Evel Knieval's brother Klu Klux Knieval. He ran over 52 niggers with a steam roller.

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I got fired from the advertising agency for proposing a new KFC slogan: The taste so savoury you'll forget about slavery!

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I took a girl back to my house for sex last night. After going upstairs, I slowly removed my clothes and climbed under the quilt. "You'll have to be really quiet," I whispered, "My mum & dad are asleep." "I can see that," she said, "Have you not got your own bed?"

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Spiders are like girls. I only feel all right about touching the little ones.

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A foreign bloke is waiting in the immigration queue to get into Britain when a policeman approaches. "Please come with me, sir," he says. "But why?" the man protests. "We have received a tip-off that you are a violent schizophrenic who has links to several terrorist organizations and an outstanding warrant for rape." "So I am under arrest then?" he asks. "No, sir. You qualify for the fast-track queue."

0 comments

When people say "he's alright once you get to know him" it actually means "he's a cunt, but you'll get used to it"

0 comments

The wife and I was going through a really bad time and we made the decision together to kill ourselves. She went first then all of a sudden I felt much better.

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Breaking news: three cliff walkers fall to their death in lake district. What are the chances? they all had the same name!

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Sick of having your house burgled by niggers? Save money on home security by simply writing the words "Job Centre" on your door

1 comment

I asked my wife if I could fuck her up the arse. She said "why the hell would I let you do that?" I said "well, you take everything else the wrong way"

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Everyone on earth is racist. Us whites are just better at it, like we are at most things.

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What's red, white, fluffy and sits in a tree? Sanitary Owl

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My emo son sighed and asked, "Why am I even here?" "Because my credit card was declined at the abortion clinic," I replied.

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The wife and I went dogging last night. By the time she parked the car, everyone had fucked off.

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As I answered the front door dressed in high heals, stockings & suspenders, leather mini skirt and bright red lipstick, the Avon lady asked "Hello Sir, is your wife at home"?. To which I replied "Take a wild guess love!"

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When does an Italian woman allow you to piss on her face? When her moustache is on fire.

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Jokes about incest, child abuse and suicide are not funny. My daughter died that way.

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The police stopped me last night as I was driving home. They said "have you had a drink tonight?" I said yes, 6 pints of Guinness, four whiskey chasers, and a few sambuca shots" They said "blow into this please" I said "what for, don't you believe me?"

1 comment

Simon Cowell really puts the turd in Saturday.

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I have to say, I was disappointed by the efforts made this year to mark International Women's Day. My local strip club only had a couple of foreign birds on, and frankly their tits were nothing to write home about.

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Little Johnny runs to his mum shouting "Mummy Mummy daddy has hanged himself in the basement". His breaks down in tears goes down to the basement and daddy is no where to be seen. Little Johnny starts laughing and says to her. "Gotcha..... he did it in the garage ".

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The first-aid instructor told us to practise mouth-to-mouth. I thought the five-minute struggle meant I was doing it properly. Then she pointed at the mannequin.

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Renault 5 - what's yours called? Mine's called Meghan Markle. It's black, unreliable and costs a fortune to run! (Apparently, disposing of it would lose a small fortune!)

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My grandad was tortured by the Japanese during the war. They cut his tongue out. But he never talked about it.

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Whaddaya call a woman with one leg shorter than the other? Eileen. Whaddaya call a Japanese woman with one leg shorter than the other? Irene. (credit: the school playground, yonks ago)

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A teacher says to her class, "can anyone give me a .sentence with the word dandelion in it". A little Jamaican lad puts up his hand. "Yes Desmond" says the teacher. "Da cheetah is faster dandelion miss".

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Those birthing pools are quite popular in China nowadays. They make the whole childbirth experience much more relaxed and natural, plus they're really handy if the baby turns out to be a girl.

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Teacher says to little Jonny, "There are twenty birds on a wall. The farmer shoots six of them. How many are left?" "None miss", he says "Explain?", replies the teacher "Well, he fires the gun. The noise scares them so they all fly away" The teacher is impressed and says, "That's not the right answer but I like the way you think" After the lesson, little Jonny approaches the teacher and asks her a question: "Miss, there are three women each eating an ice-lolly. One is sucking theirs, one is biting and the other one is licking - which one is married?" "Ermmm, I suppose the one who is, errr, sucking?" "No it's the one with the ring on her finger - but I like the way you think"

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A Muslim lady was denied entrance into McDonalds today until she removes her hijab. Should have gone to Burka king.

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I used to think my GP had bad handwriting. Then I fed it through Google Lens. Turns out it's in Arabic.

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I call my wife Bambi. She thinks its because she's cute with big brown eyes. Actually it's because I would like someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle.

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Air travel is the safest form of transport. Safer than driving? Yes. Safer than the train? Yes. Safer than taking a coach? Yes. Safer than riding a bicycle? Yes. Safer than walking? Yes. Alright. But you've still got to get to the fucking airport haven't you?

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I ran out of toilet paper earlier, so I had to say 'Goodbye Socks!' It was a daft name for a hamster anyway.

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I was out on the town last night and I ended up staggering about the place, bouncing off the walls and throwing up all over myself. I reckon some fucker must've spiked my 15th pint.

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I was sitting in the pub doing a Crossword when I turned to my Scottish mate and said.."I'm stuck on one.. Stranded On An Island, eight letters." "Marooned" He said. "About fucking time" I replied. "I'll have a lager."

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What does a Scouse bird use for sexual protection? A bus shelter

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As I pointed the gun at my wife’s face I said, “Any last words?” Three hours later, I shot her.

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Simply put a % sign after your age to see how dead you are.

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I walked into the book shop and said to the girl behind the counter. "I'm looking for a book by Shakespeare". "Which one?", she asked. "William you thick cunt"!

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I was chatting with an off duty police officer at a bar in New York. "I'll never forget nine eleven" he said, while staring mournfully into his whisky. "I should hope not! It's your feckin phone number!"

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You've got to hand it to Tom Cruise... Otherwise he'd never be able to reach it in the first place

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Ann Widdecombe has been murdered. I think we can safely rule out a jealous lover.

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The death penalty for terrorists is being discussed in parliament and the house of lords again. Those suicide bombers must be shitting themselves.

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My wife said she's leaving me because I'm an annoying cunt. I almost choked on my vuvuzela...

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Kids today just don't know how well off they are. I was orphaned at an early age and raised by a pack of hyenas. No posh house, no toys, facing starvation... But boy did we have some laughs.

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Ten years ago I went through a procedure where I had my spine and both testicles removed. I got some great wedding presents though.

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Do Africans have a "Lynx Britain" that smells like cigarettes, disappointment, and beer...?

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I was driving home yesterday when I came up to one of those half barrier level crossings. The red lights were flashing and the barriers were on their way down so I pulled up sharply. Suddenly this car full of Pakistanis pulled out and tried to beat the lights and barriers. They got half way across when a large fully laden goods train hit them, the car disintegrated and all the occupants were killed instantly. I sat there open mouthed and thought "Jesus, that could have easily been me" So this morning I've sent off my train drivers application form to Network Rail

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A bad workman always blames his fools... TOOLS!! I meant tools! Stupid fucking keyboard...

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I got stopped by customs at the airport. "Is it ok to search your bags sir"? "Why"? 'We are looking for illegal drugs etc" "In that case.....no"

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Breast implants. Worth splashing out on.

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What is the difference between a breeze block and STDs? A 3 year old can't carry a breeze block

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What's black and white and tells the pope to fuck off? A nun who's won the lottery.

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I've got a date tonight with a girl from Thailand. I just hope I don't end up blowing it.

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I do feel a bit sorry for the Germans being knocked out so early. I bet most of them aren't even in the mood to poo on each other tonight.

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I've just finished a bird table and my Mrs has gone mental. I only put her at no. 4

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My mate goes to the gym religiously every week. He looks like a right cunt on the treadmill dressed as a vicar.

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Just been to a beastiality orgy. Every man and his dog was there.

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Guns N Roses update a classic to be released next week for Muslims. Sweet child of nine

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Did you know your blood group can actually change during your life? I gave blood for the first time years ago, and afterwards I got a letter telling me my blood group was O Positive. I gave blood again recently, and this morning I got a letter telling me my blood group is now HIV Positive. How cool is that?

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I'm taking my girlfriend to have an abortion tomorrow. I'm really looking forward to hearing the splatter of tiny feet.

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A study has found that vegans are significantly more likely to suffer broken bones. Well, they will keep going on and on about it...

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Did you know that a child phones Child Abuse every 10 minutes. That cunt needs a fucking slap.

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Residents of a flagship housing estate in Poole, Dorset, are “appalled” after a Thai massage parlour operating from a garden cabin was granted retrospective planning permission. I like a news story that has a happy ending.

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I organised a night out for survivors of female genital mutilation, but none of them could come.

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It's so hot, I'm sweating like a pikey doing a spelling test.

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A Mexican married a Nigger. They had a son who was too lazy to steal.

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That children's story about Goldilocks and the Three Bears isn't really all that far-fetched. Once upon a time a little girl was found in my bed, and I ended up doing porridge.

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I find it impossible to get laid these days. Which is ironic as I'm egg shaped.

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What's big, purple and comes up your rear end unexpectedly? The EMR express from Bedford.

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You wouldn't believe how much my boss moans about me using my phone at work. I mean, honestly, it's not like it affects my ability to do my job. With all the technology these days the train practically drives i

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Jamie Varley sentenced to whole life term for raping and murdering infant boy he adopted with his partner John McGowan-Fazakerley who was sentenced to 25 years. In other news: Happy Pride Month!

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Had this dream I was shagging Karen carpenter and Lena zavaroni. Two birds one stone.

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News: Brazilian woman without a safety cord attached falls 130ft to her death in bungle jump.

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