I had a phone call from my son's headmaster. "I'm afraid to tell you that a group of Asian lads ganged up on Michael and stuck his head down the toilet." "Little bastards. Is he OK now?" "Unfortunately not. They cut it off first."

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I was walking back to my place with this fat bird I'd pulled. I said "have you got any lube with you?" She said "oooh, have you got a big cock" I said "no, a narrow front door"

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News: 5 arrested for fly-tipping. There’s a real dip in quality of Enid Blyton’s writing.

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My mate died in an accident with a cement lorry. There's already a statue of him.

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My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner. ....so I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

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It will take some effort to get the coffin lid down.

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Worst solar eclipse ever! 1 star

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My blood pressure is quite high so my doctor told me to eat more vegetables, leafy greens, kale, spinach etc. It tastes like shit but I just put loads of salt on it.

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I was blessed with a large penis. I would have preferred Holy Water.

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The families of the five pikeys killed in the A66 crash have gathered at the scene of the accident, to see if there's any scrap metal still lying around.

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I saw my mate who has no legs yesterday waiting at the bus stop. I said "alright Dave , how are you getting on?"

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My Mrs says I'm crap at fixing appliances. Well she's in for a shock...

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Congratulations to Bonnie Blue on this big milestone… First time she’s had to guide someone OUT of her minge.

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29 years on, and I can still remember where I was and what I was doing when I heard Diana was dead. I was at the all-night panel beaters in Paris, getting my white Fiat Uno fixed.

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What's the difference between a black woman from the 1800s and a black woman today.. The type of lashes they get.

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My kids are scared of flies. They always start to cry when I unzip mine.

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Suicide must be ruled out There's no way Jason Arday did that himself

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I went on a date with a girl whose Tinder profile said she had an 'infectious smile'. She had cold sores.

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My friend from America is visiting me and he told me that he done a good deed today by holding an elevator door open for a spastic. I told him that kind of talk is not welcome in this country. In England we call them lifts.

1 comment

Sure is sunny this week! I've got such a good tan, earlier today I went into Patel's corner shop and he told me to fuck off back to my own country.

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I've often wondered what it'd be like to be a fly on the wall in Finsbury Park Mosque. Crowded, I'd imagine.

2 comments

Never thought I'd see anything more ironic than a guy in a wheelchair eating a bag of Walkers. Then I saw a black guy drinking a bottle of Innocent.

3 comments

I can always tell if a woman has a good sense of humour. Just by feeling her breasts.

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Common English mistakes: Using they're instead of their. Using an apostrophe to indicate a plural. Letting Pakis into the country.

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I refused to believe I was gay and dyslexic. I was in Daniel.

1 comment

A vehicle has ploughed into crowds at Berlin Pride. The suspect reportedly had a beard, was shouting “Allahu Akbar”, wearing a suicide vest and fled the scene on a goat. Police are urging people not to speculate about the motive.

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I bought an R Kelly album once. There was a warning sticker on the cellophane. It said, 'Please keep this rapper away from babies and young children.'

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I've always stood up for black people. It's not worth getting stabbed over a seat

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Of course black lives matter. A dead slave is useless.

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If Adam and Eve had been Chinese... they would have eaten the snake.

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I must have really pissed off the wife when we had a go at erotic asphyxiation. She's been lying there for five days now,giving me the silent treatment.

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What's bitter, smells of onions and comes in a curry sauce? That Deliveroo driver you didn't tip.

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What's better than 2 dead coppers? 5 dead pikeys.

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I like my neighbours like I like my teeth. Straight and white.

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I can't understand why there are so many black people in TV adverts. We haven't been able to buy one for two hundred years.

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An Imam told me that throwing bacon at a Muslim is as offensive as throwing dog shit at them. Anyway, long story short, I'm now saving a fortune on bacon.

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I saw a post on my local community group on Facebook: 'MISSING: Our 3-year-old tabby cat, Oscar. He is recently neutered, wears a collar bell to alert birds, and we feed him a vegan diet.' I replied, 'And you're surprised he fucked off?'

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What's the worst thing that can happen when you are fucking your sister? The cot breaks.

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I'm old enough to remember the good old days, when you could still find porn mags in bushes. And bushes in porn mags.

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We call my grandad "Spiderman" he hasn't got any special powers, he just can't get out of the bath.

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I was standing at the bus stop, just finishing my cigarette, when the bus suddenly left without me. "Cunt!" I shouted. I could've sworn I put the handbrake on.

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I was having a lovely sleep earlier until some inconsiderate cunt decided to bounce off my windscreen

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Definition of Obscenity: Anything that gives the judge an erection.

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My brother and his family are moving to Glasgow. Well I'll be a junkie's uncle!

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Temperatures are soaring in England, with many ponds and lakes expected to dry up completely this week. Which will be handy as it will help the police find all the dopey kids who drowned while swimming in them last week.

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A ticket inspector banged on the door of the train toilet and said "where's your ticket?" I shouted FFS I'm having a shit! " He said" I don't believe you, pass it under the door" I said "there you go, the yellow bits are sweetcorn"

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The homeless problem would be solved if the Big Issue had tits in it

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I won first place in a political correctness competition the weekend... Though to be fair, so did everyone else.

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My dog bit a black guy the other day so the police told me to have him chipped. You should see the difference, he now operates at 16 Nigger bytes a second.

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Gambling brought my family closer together. We had to buy a smaller house

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I was playing pool in the pub last night. As I leaned in to take a shot my buddy said, 'Watch the black, mate!' I replied, 'Why, is he near my jacket again?'

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And in animal news, a little boy has learned to be careful what he wishes for after asking if he could feed the crocodiles at the zoo.

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My grief counselor died last week. She was that good at her job, I didn't give a fuck

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How do you make a black man nervous? Take him to an auction.

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If my wife didn't sleep with her mouth open I wouldn't get any sex at all.

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A lot of actors are really worried that in the future, they will be replaced in films by AI avatars, but many directors say that AI will never be able to do what real Hollywood stars do. I mean, how could a computer suck Harvey Weinstein's cock?

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When I was a kid my best friend was black.We used to play together all the time. Then my father sold him.

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Remember this day 29 years ago? Princess Diana was all over the radio. And the dashboard, and the glovebox...

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Cleveland Police. Tackling crime head on.

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I work for an organization that hands out clothes to the poor and disadvantaged. Primark

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People who post comments entirely in upper case want executing. Bring back capital punishment.

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Trials to fly a new type of aeroplane powered by gas have been abandoned after the pilot kept going out.

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I like my coffee how I like my women No pubes

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98 days ago I found a centipede in my garden, and I've been slowly torturing it ever since. It's on its last legs now.

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The BBC are to screen a new documentary about life in an average household in Bradford. 101 Damn Asians starts on Monday at 9pm.

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Princess Eugenie has given birth to a baby girl in Lisbon. Sarah Ferguson spoke to her daughter on a Facetime call shortly afterwards saying "Ooh, she's so pretty Eugenie, I can see your father in her!" Eugenie replied "Can you really?" "Yes," replied Sarah, "Probably the first time he gets to babysit!"

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What does paying for a sandwich and paying for a hooker have in common? Both could have been prevented if your wife was doing her job

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My doctor told me that I have xenophobia. I'll bet I caught it off some Paki cunt.

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I suddenly felt a tightness in my chest and my left arm went completely numb, of course I knew what to do straight away. I had a wank so it felt like someone else was doing it.

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Just wondering Was Bill Oddie taken away in a body bag or a Goodie bag.

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My date said she liked men who make an effort. She should see the well I dug in the cellar.

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"So how long are you in for?" I asked my new cellmate. "Just a couple of minutes and then I'm usually done," he replied, as he carried on thrusting.

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My girlfriend got pregnant because her coil didn't work. She's expecting a baby in the spring.

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I went to the barbers and said "I want my hair cut like Tom Cruise" so he sat me on a big cushion

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My mate Dave and I were hiking through the jungle in Cambodia. Suddenly I saw a metallic disc on the ground. I bent down to pick it up, and Dave shouts "stop!!! That's a mine!!!" I replied "hell no!! Finders keepers!! And why you suddenly speaking like an Italian??"

1 comment

There was a kid in my year at high school who got picked on all the time because he had Brittle Bone Disease. I'll never forget the day he finally snapped.

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I've invented a magic beam that you can aim at any woman's head and it instantly enables you to have sex with them. Although it's technically more of a plank.

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One of the barmaids in our pub got her nipple pierced. I'm shit at darts.

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I went to lunch with a champion chess player. It took him 8 minutes to pass me the salt...

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Lindsay Clancy blaming her hormones for murdering her children is like me blaming testosterone for raping mine.

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My wife suggested I take the kids skimming down the river. The 2-yr-old went the furthest.

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I'm not saying Pakis smell bad, but I spoke to one over an hour ago and I'm still gagging. And that was on the phone.

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It must be great being a necrophiliac. You can just go straight up to someone and tell them you fancy them rotten.

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How can you tell when you are a good rapist? When she gets on top halfway through Credit, the old wiki site , in pre insect days

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Which word ends in anal? Chloroform.

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Police confirm Jason Arday was murdered. They’ve allowed the media to report it as suicide so he can take the credit for someone else’s work one last time.

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The self deprecation society is taking applications for new members. I've already put myself down.

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I phoned my boss's mobile. "I'm on the train heading to the south coast now." "What..?" he answered, sounding a bit annoyed. "It's five o'clock in the fucking morning! What are you doing on a train?" "You tell me," I replied. "You're the one who told me to be in Brighton early this morning."

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Somali kid comes home from school. He proudly exclaimed "Mam my cock is 3 times the size of all the other kids. Is it because I'm black? " "No son its because your 23"

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How many policemen does it take to push a nigger down the stairs? None he fell.

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A black man was given a twenty five year jail sentence at Crown Court today for something he didn't do. Wipe his fingerprints off the gun.

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My wife said she's leaving me because she's never seen me sober. Fucking hell, I got married?

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People used to say that I was like Bill Oddie. I would often hide in bushes to spy on birds.

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Why is vodka clear? So the Russians can tell it isn't their tap water.

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Two books on a library shelf. ' You look thinner, ' said the first book. ' I've had my appendix removed, ' replied the second book.

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I’ve decided to liven up my sex life… The mortuary doesn’t do it for me anymore.

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A huge article just appeared featuring Dracula's lifestyle in Daily Mail. And yet, he didn't appear in The Mirror, or The Sun.

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HR asked whether I struggle to read social cues. I said no, then moved my chair closer because she seemed nervous.

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What would happen if you drop the bomb on Africa? Fuck all they're all over here.

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I don't know what's worse, me getting caught fucking my daughter, or the abortion clinic letting me bring her home in the first place.

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I can't believe my wife has kicked me out just for measuring my penis. Just for the record, it reaches the back of her sister's throat.

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I think it’s pretty cool how the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos.

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I saw a Paki filling up his car at a petrol station this morning. He managed to get seven adults and ten kids in there.

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My wife asked me to name all the women I've slept with. Upon reflection I should probably have stopped when I got to her...

2 comments

Apologies, this isn't a joke. I've just jumped ship from you know where and to my absolute joy, there ARE funny people still out there. Thank you, I hope you inspire me.

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I saw a middle-aged man in a terrible wig and shouted "Oi, what do you identify as faggot?" As it turns out, it was a really bad start to my trial!

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'Cabinet turns on Starmer' Is there anything that doesn't give him a boner?

1 comment

As we were undressing in the hotel room the prostitute said to me; 'Just so you know from the start, I don't do anal. Not for extra money, not for anything.' I replied, 'You know what? You're the worst fucking rent boy I've ever picked up.'

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I hear McDonald's has branches in Africa now. The customers must prefer them to tables and chairs.

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It's no surprise the Williams sisters were so successful at tennis. Black people have centuries of experience serving. And appearing at the courts, for that matter.

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My local authority have plans to build a sewage farm near me. It won't be popular but will bring a lot of jobs to the area.

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'Teen rapists spared jail due to intellectual limitations' Turns out the judge was a retard.

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I painted my motor home pink, gave the headlights eyelashes and fitted net curtains. It's now a camper van. No, you fuck off.

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On holiday last week, you could hear the 2 fit lesbians next door having sex every night. It wasn't easy though. You had to turn the telly right down and un-plug the fridge. My favourite joke I ever saw on Sicki Don't know who posted it but hats off

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As we left the restaurant, she kissed me and said, "We should have dinner again." "I don't think so," I replied, "I'm full."

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The family of the ‘Putney Pusher’ maintain he was totally innocent and was thrown under a bus by the Met police.

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Michael Owen "never ever" tells his children he loves them. That must make the sex awkward.

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I was on holiday with my Mrs, we were sat on the beach and all the other women were topless. I said "why don't you take your bikini top off?" She said "I feel self conscious" She finally did and said "how do I look?" I said "great" she said "really?" I said "yeah, it's pulled all the wrinkles out of your face "

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I came home last night and said to my wife "are you wearing knickers?" She said "no" I said "thank fuck, I thought the sofa cushion had split"

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Pervert psycho breaks into a laundry fucks 2 women and runs off. Headline. Nut screws washers and bolts

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I've just finished walking from Land's End to John O'Groats. It was either that or fly with Ryanair.

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How can you make cot death less distressing? Dress the baby in a clown's outfit.

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A black man walks into a petrol station and says, 'Give me all the money in the till, or I'll blow you away!' The cashier replies, 'But you haven't got a gun!' He says, 'Sorry, force of habit. Pump number four, please.'

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My best friend's wife died after being hit by a car. He asked me if I would say a few words at her funeral. ' Stop,Look and Listen, ' didn't go down very well.

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I met this girl in a club and she was all over me, she whispered in my ear "I want you to fuck me me really badly" She wasn't disappointed.

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Residents in Bradford who are being kept awake at night by fireworks set off by the city's Asian community have launched a petition asking the government to ban them. I signed it enthusiastically but then I realised they meant the fireworks.

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'I tell ya, England used to be a green and pleasant land; now it's a brown and unpleasant land.' 'Yeah, these droughts are something else, aren't they?' 'I didn't say anything about the droughts.'

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How do you make a woman cum? Who cares?

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How do you deal with a woman who won't open her legs for you? Tricky. In my experience, it depends on the cause: frigidity, lesbianism or rigor Mortis.

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I walked past a homeless guy in a doorway and dropped a few quid in his cup. A passerby said "you shouldn't give them money, some of them have their own homes" I said "not this one, I evicted him last week"

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My wife has learning difficulties. She's a woman.

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A woman who stabbed 4 men in Covent Garden has been arrested, with Police saying she was mentally ill. So she was a Muslim?

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What's blue and orange, and at the bottom of a swimming pool? A kid with flat arm bands

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A customer just asked me if we sold condoms. I said we don't, but have you tried Boots? He said yes, but it dribbles out of the lace holes.

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After a prostate exam, the doctor quickly leaves and a nurse enters with a worried look. She whispers the words no man wants to hear: "Who the fuck was that guy?".

3 comments

An old Marine Pilot sat down in a Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked: “Are you a real pilot”? He replied: Well, I’ve spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans… Flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I’ve taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you? She said: I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. ‘It seems everything makes me think of naked women.’ The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: “Are you a real pilot?” He replied: ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a Lesbian.’

0 comments

A British army sniper was asked how many people he had killed. "None," he replied, "only Muslims."

0 comments

My Chinese girlfriend dumped me and now I can't find my way home because I'm totally disoriented.

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"Do you love me?," she asked, "because I really love you." "No, I think of you more as a clingy nuisance," I replied to my 4 year old daughter.

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Why can't more than one woman play monopoly? Because there is only one iron.

2 comments

What do you say to a Geography graduate? Big Mac and fries, please.

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Over dinner my date asked me, 'So, do you have any guilty pleasures?' I replied, 'Of course I do. Everyone does. But it's our first date, I'd be far too embarrassed to tell you about that sort of thing.' 'Don't be shy! Tell you what, how about you tell me yours and then I'll tell you mine?' 'Okay, then. Here goes... Sometimes when I'm masturbating, I like to spread peanut butter on my cock and get the dog to lick it off. Deal's a deal, now you tell me yours!' 'Erm... The Carpenters and Billy Joel.'

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I joined a Facebook group for local missing people. Nice to finally put names to some of the faces.

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A man was savagely attacked at The Teddy Bear's Picnic. His condition is said to be improving but he's not out of the woods yet.

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The first thing I look for in a woman is intelligence. Because if she doesn't have that, there's a good chance I can fuck her.

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I saw a white girl down town the other day and she had 5 black kids! I thought to myself how unlucky is that being raped 5 times.

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My wife said to me yesterday "do you want to suck my tits?" I said "no, I don't eat anything that's been on the floor"

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My mates call me "polythene bag" I said "is that because I'm thin and flimsy?" They said "no, it's because you should be kept away from children"

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My mother-in-law bought a talking parrot, but she took it back a week later "This parrot hasn't said anything!" she complained. "I haven't had a fucking chance yet!" replied the parrot.

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I just saw a black guy running down the road with a Cape on I shouted, "Are you a Superhero?" He said, "No, I haven't paid for my haircut!"

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