I got stung in one of those scams where you pay a sum into a scheme every month, but then at the end you find out there's nothing left in the pot for you. National Insurance.

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I won first place in a political correctness competition the weekend... Though to be fair, so did everyone else.

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Why is vodka clear? So the Russians can tell it isn't their tap water.

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Every week, hundreds of sex offenders have go to the police station. To start work.

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'Alpacin Caffeine shampoo, German engineering for your hair' Anyone else concerned about trusting German shower products?

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It's no wonder our politicians don't prosecute or deport illegal immigrants, grooming gangs, etc. They have far more pressing matters to address, like going through a long legal process in order to cancel the execution of a woman who was hanged for murder seventy years ago.

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What's the easiest way to become a small business owner in the UK? Buy a big business and wait...........

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Massive congratulations to Andy Burnham who today takes office as Britain's last Labour Prime Minister!

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Angela Rayner has pledged to end homelessness in the UK within the next three years. Labour will build more bridges for them to sleep under.

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What's the difference between a military base and a school? Don't ask me, I only fly the drone.

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John Healey has used his October budget to give the 'little people' something back to make life more comfortable. In his mind, I'm sure that he imagines elderly grannies being able to turn their thermostats up a little, young mothers being able to give their kids a better diet . . . My guess is that Wetherspoons, Castle Bingo and tattoo parlours everywhere are going to be particularly busy in the coming months!

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Our grandparents fought Nazis so that we could be called Nazis for believing what they believed. (Mine from the old site)

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If you had to choose between rescuing Keir Starmer from a burning building or making a sandwich, what bread would you use?

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Andy Burnham's father Roy has died. So now he can push the death taxes through.

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As Starmer's premiership collapses, several MPs have been desperately trying to shore up support for the beleaguered Prime Minister. 'We fully support Sir Keir staying in post and maintain complete confidence in his ability to deliver us a working majority in the 2029 elections,' a spokesman for the Reform Party said yesterday.

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The BBC’s profile of Andy Burnham is so fawning, Japanese television had to pixelate it.

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What's red and fucks grannies? The Labour Party

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I watched a film about woke women over-reacting to compliments. Despicable #MeToo

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Jack and Jill went up the hill So they could vote Labour. Now Jack and Jill have moved house 'Cause they got a pedo for a neighbour.

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I can only agree with Peter Mandelson when he says that Number 10 needs "a complete revamp." I mean, those curtains, darling. And with that wallpaper.

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Kanishka Narayan is Britain’s new AI minister. Great choice. If anyone can put Shabana Mahmood in a bikini, it’s him.

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I saw Kier Starmer in Ikea today. Must have been looking for a new cabinet

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Found an old lamp whilst I was out walking yesterday.When I gave it a rub a big genie popped out and granted me three wishes. For my first wish I asked the genie to make Keir Starmer the worst Prime Minister in British History. The genie told me I still had three wishes left.

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I'm not saying I'm psychic; But I ordered a giant "ANDY BURNHAM IS A WANKER!" printed banner before the Labour leadership election was even announced 🥹

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Forget disposable barbeques. What we want is disposable prime ministers.

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Fantastic to see Andy Burnham's response to criticism from Lord Blunkett He's put his fucking guide dog on bricks

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Why did the chicken cross the road? Cos it had been kicked out of Downing Street for the last time and had an appointment with two Ukrainian rent boys

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Today's Guardian: 'Nominate your invertebrate of the year' I'm gonna say Keir Starmer.

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I hate Nigel Farage so much I've been getting up early just to hate him for longer.

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The Army have named a new autonomous weapon after Keir Starmer. They call it a nasal drone. ... When Starmer got married he asked for a cake with two tiers. ... Every time Starmer orders food from a restaurant menu, the kitchen staff start cooking two meals in case he u-turns on his decision. ... Excuse the multiple jokes. I have to unload all my Starmer related material before the cunt fucks off tomorrow.

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Opinion piece in today's Independent: 'Wes Streeting has proved he’s no bottler – now it’s uphill all the way' Couple of mistakes there, allow me... 'Wes Streeting has proved he’s a botter – now it’s uphill gardening all the way'

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In a final bid to save his premiership, Keir Starmer is changing his name to Nigel Lowe.

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Keir Starmer has brought Gordon Brown and Harriet Harman into his team. It's good to know he's looking to the future.

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It might seem impossible to come up with a narrative about the pro-European and pro-immigration left wing, and how today's results are a disaster for Farage and the racist far right extremists who voted for him. So spare a thought for BBC copy writers tonight.

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Rachel Reeves is touring Wales in her chauffeur driven car. The chauffeur forgets about the 20 mph limit and is speeding at 21mph. Suddenly a cow jumps over the hedge right in front of the car and is killed. She orders the chauffeur to go and tell the farmer. He is gone for 6 hours. When he gets back he is drunk with his hat missing, his hair ruffled and with a huge grin on his face. What happened to you she demands you’ve been gone hours. He replies the farmer opened his best bottle of whiskey for me, his wife cooked me a stunning meal and his daughter made love to me. What on earth did you tell him she demanded, I said I was Rachel Reeves chauffeur and I’ve killed the cow.

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I envy left wing people. I have to spend £50 on drugs or alcohol to act retarded. They don't have to pay a penny.

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Did you know Jeremy Corbyn has a tattoo? It's on his lampshade.

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The village of Piddington have voted in a referendum to leave the UK. Shockingly 285 voted to leave and a measly 26 voted to remain. Residents are currently packing up all of the belongings of the 26 remainers and arranging for them to be moved in with 3000 illegal immigrants formally planned for rehousing.

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Just watching that docu-drama about John Worboys the black cab rapist. Boris Johnsons wife was one of his victims and says she often thinks of him. Mainly to take her mind off things when Boris is heaving up and down on top of her.

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Communism. It's not for everyone.

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To get to the Polling station I had to do several U turns..!

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Keir Starmer's personal security budget (paid by the taxpayer) is £10 000 000. Has he ever considered just not being such a cunt.

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Lula wins Brazilian Election….WELLLLLLLL!!!!!!

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Trump, campaigning in Ohio, says the midterms will bring a ‘big surprise’. You screaming, "The election was rigged", springs to mind.

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Ann Widdecombe murder suspect charged with planning terror act against Nigel Farage. We get it, Guardian, the guy is cool. No need to rub it in.

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Farage declares victory. Farage gave Binface a real scare!!

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"President swapped flights by hiding in food container" The first time this has happened since it was done by Barack Oburger.

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Uncle of Ann Widdecombe suspect says he 'nearly fell to floor' over arrest. Oh no, did he also clutch his pearls? Did he drop his handbag? Did all his tampons fall out of it?

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Andy Burnham says Ann Widdecombe’s death requires a serious review of MPs’ security. That review will be reviewed by a subcommittee, overseen by a select committee and referred to an independent commission on political toxicity. Its conclusion will be that the locks were adequate, but whiteness somehow got through the window.

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The Greens want to measure the average emissions per meal by introducing “legal sustainability standards for food procurement”, which would “ensure the prioritisation” of vegan foods, which produce fewer emissions than animal products. My experience is that walking behind a vegan can be aromatic... How are they going to measure output - personal wind farms?

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