My blood pressure is quite high so my doctor told me to eat more vegetables, leafy greens, kale, spinach etc. It tastes like shit but I just put loads of salt on it.
Age/Elderly ianwatkins 🥉 (1843) · 24-07-2026 2047I saw my mate who has no legs yesterday waiting at the bus stop. I said "alright Dave , how are you getting on?"
I went on a date with a girl whose Tinder profile said she had an 'infectious smile'. She had cold sores.
Disease/Illness theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 🥈 (2189) · 25-07-2026 1229My friend from America is visiting me and he told me that he done a good deed today by holding an elevator door open for a spastic. I told him that kind of talk is not welcome in this country. In England we call them lifts.
Disability Joeydeaconsbastard (1002) · 16-07-2026 1919Common English mistakes: Using they're instead of their. Using an apostrophe to indicate a plural. Letting Pakis into the country.
Pakistani notbaldbob (1172) · 27-07-2026 0620I refused to believe I was gay and dyslexic. I was in Daniel.
LGBTQ4KHDTV+ etc notbaldbob (1172) · 26-07-2026 0759A vehicle has ploughed into crowds at Berlin Pride. The suspect reportedly had a beard, was shouting “Allahu Akbar”, wearing a suicide vest and fled the scene on a goat. Police are urging people not to speculate about the motive.
Muslim WayOutWest (419) · 25-07-2026 2134I bought an R Kelly album once. There was a warning sticker on the cellophane. It said, 'Please keep this rapper away from babies and young children.'
Pedophile theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 🥈 (2189) · 24-07-2026 2104I saw a post on my local community group on Facebook: 'MISSING: Our 3-year-old tabby cat, Oscar. He is recently neutered, wears a collar bell to alert birds, and we feed him a vegan diet.' I replied, 'And you're surprised he fucked off?'
Animals theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 🥈 (2189) · 27-07-2026 0932I can always tell if a woman has a good sense of humour. Just by feeling her breasts.
Sex n Shit Squeaky (1465) · 04-08-2026 0819The homeless problem would be solved if the Big Issue had tits in it
I won first place in a political correctness competition the weekend... Though to be fair, so did everyone else.
Political notbaldbob (1172) · 27-07-2026 1942My dog bit a black guy the other day so the police told me to have him chipped. You should see the difference, he now operates at 16 Nigger bytes a second.
Animals notbaldbob (1172) · 25-07-2026 1031Gambling brought my family closer together. We had to buy a smaller house
Gambling supergalley 🥉 🥉 (1408) · 23-07-2026 1237What's the worst thing that can happen when you are fucking your sister? The cot breaks.
Incest Squeaky (1465) · 22-07-2026 0758My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner. ....so I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
spike125 🥈 (1209) · 07-08-2026 0245What does paying for a sandwich and paying for a hooker have in common? Both could have been prevented if your wife was doing her job
Sex n Shit Irishstu (117) · 04-08-2026 2048I suddenly felt a tightness in my chest and my left arm went completely numb, of course I knew what to do straight away. I had a wank so it felt like someone else was doing it.
Doctor/Nurse/Medical ianwatkins 🥉 (1843) · 31-07-2026 0253Just wondering Was Bill Oddie taken away in a body bag or a Goodie bag.
Death Joeydeaconsbastard (1002) · 27-07-2026 1933My date said she liked men who make an effort. She should see the well I dug in the cellar.
Dark WayOutWest (419) · 27-07-2026 1857"So how long are you in for?" I asked my new cellmate. "Just a couple of minutes and then I'm usually done," he replied, as he carried on thrusting.
Crime notbaldbob (1172) · 23-07-2026 0535My girlfriend got pregnant because her coil didn't work. She's expecting a baby in the spring.
Adult Stickyagain 🥈 (1384) · 19-07-2026 1549I went to the barbers and said "I want my hair cut like Tom Cruise" so he sat me on a big cushion
Celebrities Stickyagain 🥈 (1384) · 10-07-2026 2255Princess Eugenie has given birth to a baby girl in Lisbon. Sarah Ferguson spoke to her daughter on a Facetime call shortly afterwards saying "Ooh, she's so pretty Eugenie, I can see your father in her!" Eugenie replied "Can you really?" "Yes," replied Sarah, "Probably the first time he gets to babysit!"
A black man was given a twenty five year jail sentence at Crown Court today for something he didn't do. Wipe his fingerprints off the gun.
Racist Squeaky (1465) · 03-08-2026 0957My wife said she's leaving me because she's never seen me sober. Fucking hell, I got married?
Alcohol/Drugs theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 🥈 (2189) · 02-08-2026 1244People used to say that I was like Bill Oddie. I would often hide in bushes to spy on birds.
Celebrities Stickyagain 🥈 (1384) · 31-07-2026 0856Why is vodka clear? So the Russians can tell it isn't their tap water.
Political ianwatkins 🥉 (1843) · 29-07-2026 1831Two books on a library shelf. ' You look thinner, ' said the first book. ' I've had my appendix removed, ' replied the second book.
General Squeaky (1465) · 28-07-2026 0719I’ve decided to liven up my sex life… The mortuary doesn’t do it for me anymore.
Cockwomble (93) · 27-07-2026 1445A huge article just appeared featuring Dracula's lifestyle in Daily Mail. And yet, he didn't appear in The Mirror, or The Sun.
Dad Jokes notbaldbob (1172) · 27-07-2026 0628HR asked whether I struggle to read social cues. I said no, then moved my chair closer because she seemed nervous.
Dark WayOutWest (419) · 26-07-2026 1746What would happen if you drop the bomb on Africa? Fuck all they're all over here.
Racist Joeydeaconsbastard (1002) · 24-07-2026 2141I don't know what's worse, me getting caught fucking my daughter, or the abortion clinic letting me bring her home in the first place.
Babies Stickyagain 🥈 (1384) · 24-07-2026 1943I think it’s pretty cool how the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos.
Racist notbaldbob (1172) · 10-07-2026 0913I saw a Paki filling up his car at a petrol station this morning. He managed to get seven adults and ten kids in there.
Pakistani Squeaky (1465) · 10-07-2026 0807The BBC are to screen a new documentary about life in an average household in Bradford. 101 Damn Asians starts on Monday at 9pm.
Racist theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 🥈 (2189) · 06-08-2026 1528A ticket inspector banged on the door of the train toilet and said "where's your ticket?" I shouted FFS I'm having a shit! " He said" I don't believe you, pass it under the door" I said "there you go, the yellow bits are sweetcorn"
Stickyagain 🥈 (1384) · 05-08-2026 1914My doctor told me that I have xenophobia. I'll bet I caught it off some Paki cunt.
Racist Stallion (1597) · 04-08-2026 2028What's blue and orange, and at the bottom of a swimming pool? A kid with flat arm bands
Death Gungho_ED (274) · 03-08-2026 1912A customer just asked me if we sold condoms. I said we don't, but have you tried Boots? He said yes, but it dribbles out of the lace holes.
Long Story Stickyagain 🥈 (1384) · 03-08-2026 1137After a prostate exam, the doctor quickly leaves and a nurse enters with a worried look. She whispers the words no man wants to hear: "Who the fuck was that guy?".
Adult Irishstu (117) · 01-08-2026 0610An old Marine Pilot sat down in a Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked: “Are you a real pilot”? He replied: Well, I’ve spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans… Flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I’ve taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you? She said: I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. ‘It seems everything makes me think of naked women.’ The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: “Are you a real pilot?” He replied: ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a Lesbian.’
Aviation supergalley 🥉 🥉 (1408) · 30-07-2026 1410A British army sniper was asked how many people he had killed. "None," he replied, "only Muslims."
Muslim Stallion (1597) · 29-07-2026 0001My Chinese girlfriend dumped me and now I can't find my way home because I'm totally disoriented.
Racist ianwatkins 🥉 (1843) · 28-07-2026 1736"Do you love me?," she asked, "because I really love you." "No, I think of you more as a clingy nuisance," I replied to my 4 year old daughter.
Dark Stallion (1597) · 27-07-2026 2008Why can't more than one woman play monopoly? Because there is only one iron.
Sexist notbaldbob (1172) · 27-07-2026 1748What do you say to a Geography graduate? Big Mac and fries, please.
Work/Workplace ianwatkins 🥉 (1843) · 27-07-2026 1745Over dinner my date asked me, 'So, do you have any guilty pleasures?' I replied, 'Of course I do. Everyone does. But it's our first date, I'd be far too embarrassed to tell you about that sort of thing.' 'Don't be shy! Tell you what, how about you tell me yours and then I'll tell you mine?' 'Okay, then. Here goes... Sometimes when I'm masturbating, I like to spread peanut butter on my cock and get the dog to lick it off. Deal's a deal, now you tell me yours!' 'Erm... The Carpenters and Billy Joel.'
Dark theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 🥈 (2189) · 26-07-2026 2150I joined a Facebook group for local missing people. Nice to finally put names to some of the faces.
Crime WayOutWest (419) · 26-07-2026 1740A man was savagely attacked at The Teddy Bear's Picnic. His condition is said to be improving but he's not out of the woods yet.
Silly notbaldbob (1172) · 26-07-2026 0743The first thing I look for in a woman is intelligence. Because if she doesn't have that, there's a good chance I can fuck her.
Sex n Shit notbaldbob (1172) · 25-07-2026 1335I saw a white girl down town the other day and she had 5 black kids! I thought to myself how unlucky is that being raped 5 times.
Rape / Sexual Violence notbaldbob (1172) · 24-07-2026 2136My wife said to me yesterday "do you want to suck my tits?" I said "no, I don't eat anything that's been on the floor"
Wife Stickyagain 🥈 (1384) · 24-07-2026 1413I can't believe my wife has kicked me out just for measuring my penis. Just for the record, it reaches the back of her sister's throat.
Sex n Shit notbaldbob (1172) · 23-07-2026 1527My mates call me "polythene bag" I said "is that because I'm thin and flimsy?" They said "no, it's because you should be kept away from children"
Babies Stickyagain 🥈 (1384) · 22-07-2026 0933My mother-in-law bought a talking parrot, but she took it back a week later "This parrot hasn't said anything!" she complained. "I haven't had a fucking chance yet!" replied the parrot.
Sexist notbaldbob (1172) · 21-07-2026 1711I just saw a black guy running down the road with a Cape on I shouted, "Are you a Superhero?" He said, "No, I haven't paid for my haircut!"
Crime notbaldbob (1172) · 20-07-2026 0607I recently made a girl squirt for the first time. It was pepper spray, but still a result.
Rape / Sexual Violence theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 🥈 (2189) · 19-07-2026 1435Apparently, North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York, which is a bit scary. If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.
Silly notbaldbob (1172) · 17-07-2026 0728I took a girl back to my flat. "You haven't removed many bras have you?" she sighed. "What gave it away?" "The scissors, mainly."
Sex n Shit garry6291 (571) · 10-07-2026 091398 days ago I found a centipede in my garden, and I've been slowly torturing it ever since. It's on its last legs now.
Animals theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 🥈 (2189) · 07-08-2026 0807My wife has learning difficulties. She's a woman.
Sexist theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 🥈 (2189) · 05-08-2026 1954A woman who stabbed 4 men in Covent Garden has been arrested, with Police saying she was mentally ill. So she was a Muslim?
In The News ianwatkins 🥉 (1843) · 05-08-2026 1813How many policemen does it take to push a nigger down the stairs? None he fell.
Racist Joeydeaconsbastard (1002) · 04-08-2026 2113I said to the chemist "can I have some Viagra please" He said "have you got a prescription?" I said "no, but here's a picture of my wife"
Sex n Shit Stickyagain 🥈 (1384) · 03-08-2026 1152Harry and Meghan sailed around a remote island during a secret trip to Scotland. But not quite secret enough to avoid publicity photos.
Celebrities ponga (251) · 02-08-2026 1253My wife went mental last night when i shouted out somebody else's name during sex. "Who the fuck is Dave?" she asked.
Sex n Shit garry6291 (571) · 30-07-2026 0830'Alpacin Caffeine shampoo, German engineering for your hair' Anyone else concerned about trusting German shower products?
Political notbaldbob (1172) · 28-07-2026 0635The Jodrell Bank Observatory, which can see billions of light years into space, has lost its funding and could now close. Strange how they didn't see that coming...
Blind/Partially Sighted ianwatkins 🥉 (1843) · 27-07-2026 1831I walked into work this morning and my boss told me to have good day. So I turned around, walked back out and fucked off to the pub with my mates.
Work/Workplace notbaldbob (1172) · 27-07-2026 1746Just got back from wine- tasting in Bordeaux Must say, this year's Claret has a rather smoky finish
In The News LennysCrevasse (694) · 27-07-2026 1621During sex with the wife, I suddenly stopped and didn't move. She said, "What are you doing?" And I said " I saw this on Pornhub, it's called buffering."
Sex n Shit notbaldbob (1172) · 26-07-2026 1654Marriage, because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Marriage / Wedding notbaldbob (1172) · 26-07-2026 1312A sign above the door where I work says "Once you go black you never come back". You've got to have a sense of humour in the crematorium.
Death notbaldbob (1172) · 26-07-2026 1118My wife wanted to feel like she was on Love Island. So I invited a bunch of spastics round and blew up the inflatable paddling pool.
Wife WayOutWest (419) · 21-07-2026 1827My wife walked in on me fucking a girl at work up the arse. She screamed "you can't do this to me!" I said "I know, that's why I'm doing it to her! "
Wife Stickyagain 🥈 (1384) · 21-07-2026 0900I accidentally swallowed a load of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Silly Allobosca 🥇 (2375) · 20-07-2026 1350My therapist told me I need to stop imagining scenarios. I don't have a therapist.
Self Deprecating innit (580) · 20-07-2026 0949Someone keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off. I think I'm being stalked.
General Squeaky (1465) · 18-07-2026 0900The British people who live on the Falkland Islands are an 'artificially transplanted population' Argentina's white president Javier Milei angrily declares in Spanish.
In The News Hengist (475) · 16-07-2026 0959Q. What's better than winning a world cup? A. Winning a war Fuck you Argentina
Sports Stickyagain 🥈 (1384) · 16-07-2026 0728All women are bi. It's just a matter of figuring out whether she's bipolar or bisexual.
Sex n Shit innit (580) · 15-07-2026 0716I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
It's no wonder our politicians don't prosecute or deport illegal immigrants, grooming gangs, etc. They have far more pressing matters to address, like going through a long legal process in order to cancel the execution of a woman who was hanged for murder seventy years ago.
Political scotty (310) · 09-07-2026 1525At the Library today I asked if they had any books on childbirth. The Librarian said “Try over there in the C section”.
Doctor/Nurse/Medical Baldlice (112) · 02-08-2026 2108I finally quit drinking for good. Now, I drink FOR EVIL 😈 🍸
Alcohol/Drugs supergalley 🥉 🥉 (1408) · 31-07-2026 1610My sister just announced that she's pregnant by her boyfriend, Leroy. Well I'll be a monkey's uncle!
Racist theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 🥈 (2189) · 31-07-2026 1432The suspect in the Berlin terrorist attack was shot in a allotment…do you think he was a plant
In The News HaveIGotnews (49) · 27-07-2026 1034The first thing I thought when I woke up today was, 'Thank God I'm not Iranian.' Not because of the war over there, I'm just racist.
Racist theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 🥈 (2189) · 26-07-2026 2153Some of the fucking weird shit parents say in the school WhatsApp group. “Why are you in here? You don’t even have a kid.”
Pedophile WayOutWest (419) · 25-07-2026 1715My dad’s always been fascinated by our family history, so I bought him a DNA ancestry test for his birthday. He must have thought it was a shit present. He hasn’t spoken to me since. Or Mum, oddly.
Wife WayOutWest (419) · 24-07-2026 0558Congratulations to Amy Winehouse. Fifteen years sober today.
Celebrities supergalley 🥉 🥉 (1408) · 23-07-2026 1236I've heard that supermarkets secretly waft the smell of their .bakery around the store to encourage you to buy bread. I can only come to the conclusion that my local paki shop is trying to sell more toilet rolls.
Racist notbaldbob (1172) · 21-07-2026 0616Massive congratulations to Andy Burnham who today takes office as Britain's last Labour Prime Minister!
Political Hengist (475) · 20-07-2026 0535My mate went to get a tattoo of an Indian on his back. Half way through he said, "Don't forget to put a big tomahawk in his hand." The tattooist said "For fuck sake, give us a chance mate, I've only just finished his turban!"
General notbaldbob (1172) · 16-07-2026 1353I've been watching so much porn lately, I've started spitting on my front door lock before I put the key in
Sex n Shit notbaldbob (1172) · 16-07-2026 1348I phoned the Alcoholic Helpline. "So," I asked, "how do you make a mojito?"
Alcohol/Drugs Stallion (1597) · 11-07-2026 0735If I could go back in time I'd kill Hitler. Right after I raped Marilyn Monroe.
Celebrities ianwatkins 🥉 (1843) · 11-07-2026 0222I had a goldfish that could breakdance on the carpet. Only for like 20 seconds. And only once.
Silly notbaldbob (1172) · 10-07-2026 1054I walked past a homeless guy in a doorway and dropped a few quid in his cup. A passerby said "you shouldn't give them money, some of them have their own homes" I said "not this one, I evicted him last week"
Homeless / Bum Stickyagain 🥈 (1384) · 07-08-2026 0925When does an Italian woman allow you to piss on her face? When her moustache is on fire.
Racist Squeaky (1465) · 06-08-2026 0905Jokes about incest, child abuse and suicide are not funny. My daughter died that way.
Rape / Sexual Violence Joeydeaconsbastard (1002) · 05-08-2026 2145The police stopped me last night as I was driving home. They said "have you had a drink tonight?" I said yes, 6 pints of Guinness, four whiskey chasers, and a few sambuca shots" They said "blow into this please" I said "what for, don't you believe me?"
Motoring Stickyagain 🥈 (1384) · 03-08-2026 1815I have to say, I was disappointed by the efforts made this year to mark International Women's Day. My local strip club only had a couple of foreign birds on, and frankly their tits were nothing to write home about.
Sexist theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 🥈 (2189) · 02-08-2026 1242Little Johnny runs to his mum shouting "Mummy Mummy daddy has hanged himself in the basement". His breaks down in tears goes down to the basement and daddy is no where to be seen. Little Johnny starts laughing and says to her. "Gotcha..... he did it in the garage ".
Death Joeydeaconsbastard (1002) · 31-07-2026 1037The first-aid instructor told us to practise mouth-to-mouth. I thought the five-minute struggle meant I was doing it properly. Then she pointed at the mannequin.
Silly WayOutWest (419) · 29-07-2026 2112Renault 5 - what's yours called? Mine's called Meghan Markle. It's black, unreliable and costs a fortune to run! (Apparently, disposing of it would lose a small fortune!)
jjbomber (83) · 28-07-2026 1438My grandad was tortured by the Japanese during the war. They cut his tongue out. But he never talked about it.
Dark Stickyagain 🥈 (1384) · 28-07-2026 0714Whaddaya call a woman with one leg shorter than the other? Eileen. Whaddaya call a Japanese woman with one leg shorter than the other? Irene. (credit: the school playground, yonks ago)
theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 🥈 (2189) · 25-07-2026 0916A teacher says to her class, "can anyone give me a .sentence with the word dandelion in it". A little Jamaican lad puts up his hand. "Yes Desmond" says the teacher. "Da cheetah is faster dandelion miss".
Silly notbaldbob (1172) · 24-07-2026 2120Those birthing pools are quite popular in China nowadays. They make the whole childbirth experience much more relaxed and natural, plus they're really handy if the baby turns out to be a girl.
Dark theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 🥈 (2189) · 24-07-2026 2102Teacher says to little Jonny, "There are twenty birds on a wall. The farmer shoots six of them. How many are left?" "None miss", he says "Explain?", replies the teacher "Well, he fires the gun. The noise scares them so they all fly away" The teacher is impressed and says, "That's not the right answer but I like the way you think" After the lesson, little Jonny approaches the teacher and asks her a question: "Miss, there are three women each eating an ice-lolly. One is sucking theirs, one is biting and the other one is licking - which one is married?" "Ermmm, I suppose the one who is, errr, sucking?" "No it's the one with the ring on her finger - but I like the way you think"
A Muslim lady was denied entrance into McDonalds today until she removes her hijab. Should have gone to Burka king.
Muslim notbaldbob (1172) · 23-07-2026 0531I used to think my GP had bad handwriting. Then I fed it through Google Lens. Turns out it's in Arabic.
Pakistani innit (580) · 23-07-2026 0150I call my wife Bambi. She thinks its because she's cute with big brown eyes. Actually it's because I would like someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle.
Marriage / Wedding notbaldbob (1172) · 22-07-2026 0557Air travel is the safest form of transport. Safer than driving? Yes. Safer than the train? Yes. Safer than taking a coach? Yes. Safer than riding a bicycle? Yes. Safer than walking? Yes. Alright. But you've still got to get to the fucking airport haven't you?
Aviation ianwatkins 🥉 (1843) · 20-07-2026 2137I ran out of toilet paper earlier, so I had to say 'Goodbye Socks!' It was a daft name for a hamster anyway.
Animals theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 🥈 (2189) · 19-07-2026 1655I was out on the town last night and I ended up staggering about the place, bouncing off the walls and throwing up all over myself. I reckon some fucker must've spiked my 15th pint.
Alcohol/Drugs theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 🥈 (2189) · 19-07-2026 1436I was sitting in the pub doing a Crossword when I turned to my Scottish mate and said.."I'm stuck on one.. Stranded On An Island, eight letters." "Marooned" He said. "About fucking time" I replied. "I'll have a lager."
Silly notbaldbob (1172) · 17-07-2026 0818What does a Scouse bird use for sexual protection? A bus shelter
Scousers Irishstu (117) · 16-07-2026 1941As I pointed the gun at my wife’s face I said, “Any last words?” Three hours later, I shot her.
Wife notbaldbob (1172) · 16-07-2026 0537Simply put a % sign after your age to see how dead you are.
Death notbaldbob (1172) · 15-07-2026 0533I walked into the book shop and said to the girl behind the counter. "I'm looking for a book by Shakespeare". "Which one?", she asked. "William you thick cunt"!
I was chatting with an off duty police officer at a bar in New York. "I'll never forget nine eleven" he said, while staring mournfully into his whisky. "I should hope not! It's your feckin phone number!"
Aviation OkiPaul (142) · 12-07-2026 0203You've got to hand it to Tom Cruise... Otherwise he'd never be able to reach it in the first place
Ann Widdecombe has been murdered. I think we can safely rule out a jealous lover.
Murder/Death/Killing scotty (310) · 10-07-2026 1705The death penalty for terrorists is being discussed in parliament and the house of lords again. Those suicide bombers must be shitting themselves.
Death notbaldbob (1172) · 10-07-2026 1050My wife said she's leaving me because I'm an annoying cunt. I almost choked on my vuvuzela...
Why's a 16 year old like a five pound note? They're both legal and they're both tender.
Adult ianwatkins 🥉 (1843) · 07-08-2026 0625It's a bit cloudy today. I should see a urologist.
Doctor/Nurse/Medical ianwatkins 🥉 (1843) · 06-08-2026 1921I'm a producer for the BBC. I don't work there, I just have eight kids.
Pedophile theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 🥈 (2189) · 06-08-2026 1529If you're ever attacked by a bear, simply lie down and play dead. It's good practice for what's coming next.
Death theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 🥈 (2189) · 06-08-2026 1321"Grasshopper, when you can snatch the pebble from my hand, it will be time for you to lea....." "Bastard......best of three?"
Adult garry6291 (571) · 05-08-2026 1555I phoned my mate to ask if he thought it's okay to wank over my ex-wife. "Sure," he said. "It's not as if she'll ever know." "She might," I replied. "I mean, she's asleep at the moment, but...." "You mean you're actually in her room?" he said, shaken. "Christ mate, she'd better not wake up!!" Great. I was already feeling guilty about the wank, now he tells me I've got to kill her as well.
Murder/Death/Killing scotty (310) · 04-08-2026 1217Two vultures are eating Bill Oddie. On says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
Celebrities ianwatkins 🥉 (1843) · 27-07-2026 2222Sixteen- and seventeen-year-olds may be given a midnight social-media curfew. Good. It’s unhealthy for them to be awake at 2am blocking me.
In The News WayOutWest (419) · 27-07-2026 1840Stood at the bus stop next to a man with one arm and he was wearing is watch on his stump. So being the nosy cunt I am I said "How come you don't wear your watch on your good arm"? And he replied "Well how the fuck would I be able to wind it up".
Accidents/Injuries Joeydeaconsbastard (1002) · 27-07-2026 1834Did you know that anal sex is still illegal in Iceland? Not sure if its the same in Tesco's so be careful.
Sex n Shit notbaldbob (1172) · 27-07-2026 1834A ship was wrecked and the only survivor was a man and his dog . After weeks at sea, the man was starving so he killed and ate the dog. As he sat in the lifeboat staring at a pile of bones, he thought "Rover would have loved those"
Silly Stickyagain 🥈 (1384) · 27-07-2026 0838I saw a hearse today. The wreath said "Dad" They missed the e out.
Death Stickyagain 🥈 (1384) · 26-07-2026 1901If you refuse to pay your TV licence, you can be sent to prison. Where, ironically, you'll get plenty of free BBC.
Jail/Prison notbaldbob (1172) · 26-07-2026 1707A coffee enema is supposed to be really good for your liver. Pro tip: leave it to cool down a bit first.
Accidents/Injuries theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 🥈 (2189) · 26-07-2026 1510I bought some IKEA furniture yesterday. Strange… nowhere in the instructions did it say, “Tell your wife to fuck off and leave you alone.”
Marriage / Wedding WayOutWest (419) · 25-07-2026 2044I coughed up a bit of phlegm and sneezed at the same time. Then a scouser appeared and said "Not bad mate, how are you?"
I went into my bank yesterday. The girl on the desk had a badge on that said "Pat" Long story short, I do all my banking on line now
Stickyagain 🥈 (1384) · 24-07-2026 2245My wife and I were discussing future space tourism and what it might be like to live somewhere with no atmosphere. Whilst in Milton Keynes…
Marriage / Wedding WayOutWest (419) · 24-07-2026 2236I've just become the leap frog world record holder On the down side I'm now banned from entering any mosques.
Religion notbaldbob (1172) · 24-07-2026 2127I had a very difficult childhood. My mum died when she was 12 and my dad was a peadophile.
Dark Stickyagain 🥈 (1384) · 23-07-2026 0818Not an original. Heard it somewhere. Boy said to his mate "Walked past your house earlier. Your mum reminds me of a bond girl." "Very funny don't tell me Pussy Galore" "No but funnily enough she was On A Blackman"
Wordplay Gingerpubes (140) · 22-07-2026 1909Madeleine McCann's younger brother, 21, is to swim for Scotland at the Commonwealth Games. His parents will not be attending as they have a dinner engagement.
Sports ponga (251) · 22-07-2026 0443I must say I am a bit concerned about the rise in political violence in Britain. That's three politicians murdered since 2016. We're starting to look like some dysfunctional third world country like South Sudan or the United States.
Murder/Death/Killing Hengist (475) · 21-07-2026 1746"Woman to milk 10,000 cows in 10 days for farming charity" In pre-mechanised times that skill would be transferable in a Bonnie Blue context.
Sex n Shit nausicaa (92) · 20-07-2026 1120Scientists in China have successfully cloned two macaque monkeys It's quite impossible to tell them apart , said one of the monkeys.
Racist notbaldbob (1172) · 20-07-2026 0604So North Korea now has a nuclear bomb delivery system that could hit New York City. That's a fucking long bike ride, mind.
Racist theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 🥈 (2189) · 19-07-2026 1244After studying semaphore all morning,I started flagging in the afternoon.
General Squeaky (1465) · 19-07-2026 0855Whenever I see a black guy walking towards me, I instinctively put my hand on my wallet. Then I remember you can't buy them any more.
Crime Stickyagain 🥈 (1384) · 18-07-2026 1233Our teenage son has turned into a complete nightmare.Drink,drugs,shoplifting and fighting. Last night my wife answered the door and two policeman were there. This time it was good news. He was dead.
General Squeaky (1465) · 17-07-2026 0829I've just bought myself a new motor and its going to be a proper fanny magnet. All I've got to do now is stock it with ice-creams.
General notbaldbob (1172) · 16-07-2026 0952' Tell me something dangerous you did as a child, ' my wife asked. ' Wrote a letter to Jim'll Fix It, ' I replied.
General Squeaky (1465) · 16-07-2026 0855Why are there no Chinese paedophiles? Because when you offer a Chinese kid a puppy they say "No thanks, I'm not hungry."
England's hopes sank fast in the match against Argentina... ...still, I can think of something that sank faster
Boats Hengist (475) · 15-07-2026 2055I looked up my family tree online. Turns out my great great great great great Grandad was a slave trader in the 19th Century. Quite a lucrative occupation, it seems. He was on a six nigger salary.
theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 🥈 (2189) · 15-07-2026 1718My friend gave me an elephant for my room. ' Thank you, ' I said. ' Don't mention it, ' he replied.
General Squeaky (1465) · 15-07-2026 0958I was in Glasgow and walked past a building that said it was a "battered women's Centre" Fuck me, those Scots will deep fry anything.
Domestic Violence/Woman Beating Stickyagain 🥈 (1384) · 15-07-2026 0759Never trust anyone who can spell gonnorhea correctly on the first attempt.
Sex n Shit innit (580) · 15-07-2026 0737"Is that a metal pole in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?" - Anne Widdecombe, 2026
Celebrities Hengist (475) · 14-07-2026 1707If online bullying has taught us anything it's that some kids would rather kill themselves than lose a bit of weight...
My rap name is 50 pence. I'm a lot like 50 cents, just a bit more edgy...
Got thrown out of an orgy in Norfolk. I wasn't related.
Incest Joeydeaconsbastard (1002) · 10-07-2026 2301A passenger on a Ryanair flight was reportedly almost sucked out of a window during a journey from Greece. A spokesman for the airline said there is a £15 surcharge to sit by a window with a pane in it.
Aviation theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 🥈 (2189) · 10-07-2026 1531"You treat me like a dog," said my wife."I want us to sit down and talk about it." "OK," I replied, "but not on the couch."
Wife Stallion (1597) · 10-07-2026 1130I went to a fetish restaurant last night. I got toed in the hole.
Wordplay notbaldbob (1172) · 10-07-2026 0917My wife found out I'd been masturbating to some strange types of porn. She said, "Come on, let's hear how filthy you are. What kind was it?" I said, "I'll give you a clue. It rhymes with 'plastics'." "Gymnastics!" she screamed, "Typical fucking man!" At this point I decided not to correct her.
Masturbation notbaldbob (1172) · 10-07-2026 0911I got into a lift in London, only to find there were half a dozen black youths in it. When the doors closed the one nearest the panel said, 'Yo, what button you want me to push, white boy?' I replied, 'The one with the bell on it, please.'
Racist theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 🥈 (2189) · 07-08-2026 0915My 14-year-old daughter came out of her room in a top and shorts that left little to the imagination. I said, 'And where do you think you're going dressed like that, young lady?' 'I'm going down the park with my mates, and you can't stop me!' 'The hell you are! Go to your room and take those off right now!' 'Up yours, Dad! I'm not having you tell me I can only go out if I get changed into something you approve of, you old prude!' 'I don't recall saying anything about getting changed into something else.'
Incest theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 🥈 (2189) · 07-08-2026 0913I want my kids to have everything I never had. Unfortunately for them, I never had an abusive father.
Incest theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 🥈 (2189) · 06-08-2026 1647I was scrolling through some disgusting child abuse videos on the dark web and I thought "this is great, no ads"
Babies Stickyagain 🥈 (1384) · 05-08-2026 1054Why do niggers never play hide and seek. Because nobody would look for them.
Racist Squeaky (1465) · 05-08-2026 0930How do Welsh people find their sheep in very tall grass? Absolutely irresistible
Animals supergalley 🥉 🥉 (1408) · 05-08-2026 0705I saw an old mate in the pub. I said "how are things?" He said"great, my business has just floated" I said "oh, have you tried eating more fiber?"
Doctor/Nurse/Medical Stickyagain 🥈 (1384) · 02-08-2026 1503After years of trying I finally managed to contact my father through a psychic medium. ' Is that really you Dad? ' ' Yes,son. ' ' I'll just put your mother on. '
General Squeaky (1465) · 02-08-2026 0754I dumped my new girlfriend when she told me she’d slept with a Brazilian. I don’t know how many a Brazilian is, but it sounds like a lot.
Silly WayOutWest (419) · 31-07-2026 1832Showbiz news: Boy George pulls out of Jesus Christ Superstar. You'd think someone of his age and persuasion would have the good sense to rubber up.
AIDS theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 🥈 (2189) · 31-07-2026 1443A British army sniper was asked what he felt when shooting terrorists. He replied, "Recoil."
Muslim Stallion (1597) · 30-07-2026 1601Whenever I give blood, I get asked awkward questions. Like: who's is it? where did you get it and why is it in a jug?
Wholesome Stickyagain 🥈 (1384) · 28-07-2026 1519On a holiday in Johannesburg I got talking to a liberal hippie chick in a late night bar. She told me that, as a traveler, I needed to embrace the indigenous culture. So I raped her and stole her purse!
Racist DdraigGoch (659) · 28-07-2026 0956My GP asked whether I had a support network. I gave him the password to next door’s Wi-Fi.
Silly WayOutWest (419) · 27-07-2026 1905My grandad had Parkinson's disease. He could never stop interviewing people.
Did you hear about the maths teacher with constipation? He worked it out with a pencil.
The school receptionist asked who I was there to collect. I panicked and said, “Any.”
Pedophile WayOutWest (419) · 26-07-2026 1741I would've gone to Parents' Night at the local primary school yesterday, but I pulled out at the last minute. About six years ago.
Sex n Shit theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 🥈 (2189) · 26-07-2026 1223What do you call a Chinese woman with a food mixer on her head? Blenda
What's black and comes in thirteens? R Kelly.
Pedophile theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 🥈 (2189) · 25-07-2026 0904'What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.' Not a good defence to use when you're up in court for molesting your stepkids, though.
Pedophile theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 🥈 (2189) · 24-07-2026 1454My wife is so fat, when she pulls her knickers down, her arse is still in them.
Wife Stickyagain 🥈 (1384) · 24-07-2026 1412I introduced my new black girlfriend to my slightly deaf grandfather. "She's Annika," I said. "Yes, I can see that," he replied.
Racist notbaldbob (1172) · 24-07-2026 1007Tried that new Korean restaurant in town last night. The food was pretty good, but I really wish I hadn't asked for a doggy bag.
Racist theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 🥈 (2189) · 24-07-2026 0448My wife was diagnosed with breast cancer and the doctor said she had to have a double mastectomy, so I went on-line to see if there was an alternative. Susan, 31, is only 5 miles from me looks a good one.
Cancer notbaldbob (1172) · 23-07-2026 1902I went into the bakers and said "is that a cheesecake or a meragnue?" The baker said "you're not wrong, it's a cheesecake"
Fat / Obesity Stickyagain 🥈 (1384) · 23-07-2026 1654Black children are almost 3.5 times more likely to die after surgery as white children, according to the latest study to show clear disparities in medical care between black and white patients. To be fair, they're much more likely to be in hospital because of gunshot wounds.
Racist supergalley 🥉 🥉 (1408) · 23-07-2026 1239Fucking Korean chefs. They make a dog's dinner of everything
Animals LennysCrevasse (694) · 23-07-2026 1118My wife is in hospital after being beaten up for using the 'N' word. Next time I ask for a beer from the fridge, she had better use the 'Y' word.
Marriage / Wedding notbaldbob (1172) · 22-07-2026 1652I didn't have Ann Widdecombe down as a heavy drinker. But the night she was killed, she got absolutely hammered.
Murder/Death/Killing scotty (310) · 21-07-2026 1815Rowan Atkinson's next film role is to play a comical character who is unable to satisfy his wife. 'Missed her Bean' is showing in cinemas from Friday.
Silly notbaldbob (1172) · 21-07-2026 1708The last time King Charles mentioned Andy Burnham, he was advising his brother on what to do with his "Gentleman's Magazine Collection"........
Epstein Enquiry Slapster (10) · 21-07-2026 1054What do the World Cup and the 2nd World War have in common? When its over the losers fly to Argentina.
Baldlice (112) · 20-07-2026 1323can't believe the number of fucking foreigners coming to live in this country. If I'd have known this thirty years ago, I would have stayed in Pakistan.
Pakistani notbaldbob (1172) · 19-07-2026 1102I was sat minding my own business when some girl comes up to me and says "Excuse me. How do you spell Apple?" "Apple?" I said. "That's one of the easiest words in the English language! My God, you must be absolutely thick as shit! Fuck me. How old are you?" "Four" she said, crying. Anyway long story short,i just wasn't cut out to be a nursery teacher.
Long Story garry6291 (571) · 19-07-2026 0951I'm really good at my job weeding out fraudsters at the benefit office. Just yesterday this woman came in with her son, who was in a wheelchair. "He can't walk. He needs to be spoon-fed. I need help getting him in and out the shower..." she said. I looked at the boy skeptically and made a few notes. "How old is he?" I asked her, smiling reasuringly. "He's nine," the woman said. "And he is incapable of moving independently?" I asked, scribbling in my notebook. "He has severely impaired motor-skills which mean he finds it impossible to perform tasks like dressing or eating by himself. He needs full-time care." "I see," I said, examining the boy from different angles and continuing to take notes. "And is his condition neurological or is it a muscular degenerative condition?" "He has cerebral palsey so it is neurological," his mother replied. I nodded. "And has his condition manifested recently or has he always been a retard?" I asked. "My son is not a retard!" the woman shouted furiously. "I fucking knew it!" I said.
Disability Hengist (475) · 19-07-2026 0712A woman walks into a pharmacy. "I have a headache," she says. "Do you have anything to cure a headache?" "Paracetamol," says the pharmacist. "And I have a sore throat," the woman says. "Do you have anything to cure a sore throat?" "Paracetamol," says the pharmacist. "And I just feel so unhappy all the time," she says. "Do you have anything that cures depression?" "Paracetamol," says the pharmacist. "Paracetamol cures depression?" the woman asks. "If you take enough of it, it does."
Suicide Hengist (475) · 18-07-2026 2244Air passenger 'invokes Sharia law' to avoid sitting next to a woman. Thank fuck the pilot wasn't gay.
Muslim ponga (251) · 18-07-2026 0721Its always flattering when someone says "You've got a nice bum" Except when you're having a prostate examination.
Doctor/Nurse/Medical notbaldbob (1172) · 17-07-2026 0805My wife hates it when I hold the door open for her. She says "why can't I just have a shit in peace"
Wife Stickyagain 🥈 (1384) · 17-07-2026 0745There isn't much to be said for being a Russian infantyman but at least you're practically guaranteed a job for life
Work/Workplace Hengist (475) · 17-07-2026 0704I left the house this morning to be greeted by a huge, wet dogshit in the middle of my beautiful lawn. I was going to scoop it up and post it through the door of the local mosque, but the smell was too much for me. I couldn't get near the place.
Muslim notbaldbob (1172) · 16-07-2026 1428Just found out that cock fighting is done with chickens..... That was 8 months of training fucking wasted.
Dumb/Thick notbaldbob (1172) · 15-07-2026 1332How do you torture a homosexual? Throw him into a bottomless pit!
'If we die, we die together': Wife who held on to her husband's legs after he was sucked out of Ryanair jet window at 20,000ft describes battle to save him. My wife would have been pushing.
Aviation ponga (251) · 14-07-2026 0153I was flying with Ryanair when suddenly there was a violent cabin depressurization. The oxygen masks were deployed. I put mine on, but there was no oxygen! In a panic, I grabbed a cabin attendant. "NO OXYGEN!" I shouted. "IT'S COIN OPERATED", she replied.
Aviation OkiPaul (142) · 14-07-2026 0100My wife said she wanted to try something new in the bedroom. Excitedly I asked "what do you want to do, make me wear slutty lingerie? Fuck me with a strapon? Piss in my mouth??" She said "No. Oak wardrobes."
Sex n Shit ianwatkins 🥉 (1843) · 12-07-2026 2053My partner was confused and irritated when I ordered 20 desks and a blackboard for our flat. I just wanted to make the place a bit more classy.
Wordplay WayOutWest (419) · 12-07-2026 1229Jack and Jill went up the hill to get some chips and sweeties. Jack can't keep his cholesterol down and Jill's got diabetes
"Short back and sides," said Tom Cruise. "Indeed," replied the barber. "How do you want your hair cut?"
I'm not saying my niece is fat, but she's started to get a tan off the little lamp in the 'fridge!
Fat / Obesity DdraigGoch (659) · 10-07-2026 1420Winston goes to church and the vicar says "What's wrong my son?" Winston says "I want you to pray for my hearing". The vicar puts his hands on Winston's ears and prays hard for ten minutes. "So how is your hearing?" asks the vicar. "I don't know", says Winston, "it isn't until next Wednesday".
Racist notbaldbob (1172) · 10-07-2026 1009What bounces and makes children cry? My cheque to children in need.
I said to the vicar, "Hello father. This is a lovely church. Can you tell me what period it's from please?" He said, "it's Norman". I said, "Sorry Norman. This is a lovely church, can you tell me what period it's from please?"
Went dogging last night,never again. When I got home my car was like a painter's radio.
Sex n Shit Squeaky (1465) · 07-08-2026 0811Top Ugandan footballer killed by teen muggers armed with paving stones. 'On me 'ead, son!'
Football theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 🥈 (2189) · 07-08-2026 0157If you're ever attacked by a bear, simply lie down and play dead. If you’re not sure how to do this, here is a demonstration video of my ex-girlfriend during sex.
Why do I have to prove who I am when paying a bill? Do random people try paying my bills, and if so, why don't you let them?
General Stallion (1597) · 06-08-2026 0659I saw a bloke on crutches today, wearing a camouflage suit. I thought "you can hide, but you can't run"
Butler: "Sir your daughter's just had a baby" Andrew Windsor: "Ah about time. Chip off the old block"
Pedophile LennysCrevasse (694) · 05-08-2026 1144Someone asked me if I've ever tried to commit suicide. I replied "Loads of times but has you can see I'm not very good at it".
Suicide Joeydeaconsbastard (1002) · 04-08-2026 2140Lloyds of London once claimed to be the world's largest insurance company. The claim was later dismissed, along with all the others.
Work/Workplace Stickyagain 🥈 (1384) · 03-08-2026 2039Do you want to play Hyde and Sikh? It’s like normal hide and seek but I turn in to a monster then stab you to death with a kirpan.
Dogpad (81) · 03-08-2026 1836My wife said our relationship was becoming stale and boring. I nearly dropped a stitch.
Silly WayOutWest (419) · 02-08-2026 1948My Vietnamese neighbour's son was throwing a ball for his dog. His mum shouted at him, "How many times have I told you to stop playing with your food?"
Racist Stallion (1597) · 02-08-2026 1251I take after my mother, except for the whole penis thing. I can take them or leave them, she's mad about them.
If Buck Rogers was remade today, which black actor would play Buck Rogers?
TV & Movies madgringo (47) · 31-07-2026 1922A young lad comes downstairs one morning to see his mum breast feeding his baby brother. "what are you doing mum?" he asked. "I'm giving your brother his breakfast" she said The kid said "fuck off, he'll never eat all that"
Babies Stickyagain 🥈 (1384) · 31-07-2026 1159I hate solicitors and don't understand the law, it's so complicated. My next door neighbours have a large tree. Their 10 year old kid climbed the tree, fell out and got impaled on my fence post. Now, apparently, I have to get solicitors involved. . . . . . . If I want to keep my half of the body!
The puppeteer behind Zippy on kids' TV show Rainbow has died of cancer. Zippy himself died a lingering death from starvation, when his zipper broke off in the closed position.
Silly theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 🥈 (2189) · 28-07-2026 1637A dyslexic friend of mine thought it might help his condition if he joined a poetry club. He hasn't come out with any poems yet, but he's made some pretty nice jugs and vases and stuff.
Wordplay notbaldbob (1172) · 28-07-2026 0731“Kids, listen very carefully to me, never ever talk to or get into a strangers car. Do you all understand me?” “Yea daddy. But why?” “I’ll have to explain later darling, Abdul from Uber is waiting for us outside now.”
Muslim Cockwomble (93) · 27-07-2026 2002I just had an argument with my 5 year old about the importance of wearing pants in public. She won, so today I’m wearing pants to take her to school.
Today 64 muslims died in Bradford, it was not a terrorist attack. A bunk bed collapsed. Police are blaming Al Ikea.
Muslim notbaldbob (1172) · 27-07-2026 1831I used to go out with an English teacher, but she dumped me. She didn't approve of my improper use of the colon.
Sex n Shit notbaldbob (1172) · 27-07-2026 0634Fucking hell this website has got more colours than my cock before the antibiotics kicked in But still fewer than Bradford
General LennysCrevasse (694) · 26-07-2026 1156There are no bad dogs, just bad cooks. ~Old Korean proverb.
Animals notbaldbob (1172) · 26-07-2026 0741How to get rid of crabs: 1. shave one testicle so they all move over to the other one. 2. Set the hair on that testicle on fire so they all jump back to the shaved one. 3. As they jump back, stab each one with an ice pick.
"Keep your eyes on the road, and your hands upon the wheel". Solid advice for motorists. Disastrous advice for motorcyclists.
I'm a huge fan of Roman Polanski. I've heard some of his films are pretty good, too.
Pedophile theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 🥈 (2189) · 24-07-2026 1435I've been dating a homeless girl for a while now, it's going really well. I'm thinking about moving out with her.
Homeless / Bum notbaldbob (1172) · 24-07-2026 0539I tried the new vegan Korean food. I think Not Poodle could catch on
I went to the best ever burger van today, It was so good, it had 4 Michelin tyres.
Silly notbaldbob (1172) · 23-07-2026 1809When my Korean friend invited me round for dinner, I thought wow he's gone vegetarian. I couldn't have been more wrong He was actually cooking Mutt Roast
Racist LennysCrevasse (694) · 23-07-2026 1738"Dad, on my way home from school I saw Santa beating a Pakistani man up outside a shop. " "Well son, I don't know what to say to you, I'm shocked. " "So am I dad, I only posted the letter yesterday. "
Racist notbaldbob (1172) · 23-07-2026 1522A woman was worried her elderly little dog was going deaf. So she took it to the vet. "Don't worry, Mrs Smith, it's just a build up of matted hair in its ears. I can give you a prescription, or just simply go to the pharmacist and ask for 'Hairaway'. That's a cheaper option." The woman thanks the vet and goes to the pharmacy. She takes the Hairaway to the counter. The pharmacist says "This is strong stuff. If it's for your armpits, don't use deodorant for two days." "No, it's not for that." "I see. Then if it's for your legs, don't wear trousers for a week." "No, it's not for that. It's for my Schnauzer." "In that case, don't ride your bicycle for a month."
OkiPaul (142) · 23-07-2026 0511Two candles were talking, one said "what are you doing tonight?" The other said, "dunno, might go out"
Dad Jokes Stickyagain 🥈 (1384) · 22-07-2026 1856My wife has just given birth to a baby boy... 10 pounds. Or nearest offer. I need the money for drugs.
Babies notbaldbob (1172) · 22-07-2026 1643Paddy the tenant: I've lost me feckin mailbox key Murphy the landlord: Not a problem. I'll get ye a new one 2 weeks later Paddy the tenant: Murphy still no sign of dat key Murphy the landlord: It's in the post
Silly LennysCrevasse (694) · 21-07-2026 1009I always have a picture of my wife and kids in the front of my wallet. It reminds me why there is fuck all in it.
General Squeaky (1465) · 21-07-2026 0828The BBC’s profile of Andy Burnham is so fawning, Japanese television had to pixelate it.
Political WayOutWest (419) · 20-07-2026 0555One time years ago, I was out on the town and I ended up pulling this cougar twice my age. We went back to her place and did everything - all the positions, kinky stuff, the lot. All in all, I had a cracking night out for my 46th.
Sex n Shit theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 🥈 (2189) · 19-07-2026 2023My wife does NOT have Tourettes, I really am a fucking cunt.
Disability Stickyagain 🥈 (1384) · 19-07-2026 1304White House confirms Donald Trump will attend the World Cup Final this Sunday. FIFA must have agreed to award him Man of the Match.
Donald Trump theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 🥈 (2189) · 16-07-2026 2045What does a Scouse girl say after a good hard shag? "Thanks boys".
Scousers Joeydeaconsbastard (1002) · 16-07-2026 1841We were on a plane and the guy next to us started to be sick, so I got a paper bag ready. "Thanks", he said as I put it over my wife's head.
Marriage / Wedding notbaldbob (1172) · 15-07-2026 1023I walked into the takeaway and said "cod and chips twice" The bloke behind the counter said "I heard you the first time"
Asked my girlfriend if we could use toys in the bedroom. You should off seen her face when i put my scalelectrics set across her tits.
Sex n Shit Joeydeaconsbastard (1002) · 14-07-2026 2234Argentina have said that if England beat them in the World Cup, they will remove all the keys from every tin of corn beef in retaliation.
Football garry6291 (571) · 14-07-2026 2046My wife wanted to die surrounded by family. So I loosened the brakes before the school run.
Dark WayOutWest (419) · 14-07-2026 1700I was chasing a girl through the forest with a massive hard-on. I was so horny, it never occurred to me to ask why she had one.
Rape / Sexual Violence WayOutWest (419) · 14-07-2026 1640I took to animal cruelty like a duck to lighter fluid.
Animals theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 🥈 (2189) · 13-07-2026 2132"Doctor Doctor my nose wont stop bleeding" "Did you pick it" "No I was born with it you daft twat".
Silly Joeydeaconsbastard (1002) · 13-07-2026 2104Turns out, "How about ten quid?" is actually a pretty effective chat-up line in Liverpool.
Sex n Shit Irishstu (117) · 13-07-2026 2054They say that size doesn't matter. I've spent half an hour trying to get these shoes on.
General Squeaky (1465) · 13-07-2026 0944Man dies after falling from Eleventh Night bonfire in east Belfast. His family and friends paid tribute to him, saying 'He really was a great Guy.'
Wordplay theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 🥈 (2189) · 12-07-2026 1228What's brown and worth fuck all? Shamima Begum's passport...
Suspect one: white British. Suspect two: white British. Suspect three: ethnicity not relevant. Funny, that.
Death WayOutWest (419) · 12-07-2026 0929Muslims blow themselves up to go to paradise and get 72 virgins. I just hang around the primary school.
Pedophile Joeydeaconsbastard (1002) · 10-07-2026 2256"Hey dad - what do you call a nigger with no bones?" "Oh thats easy son, a fucking diving suit!"
Racist Bollockchops (44) · 10-07-2026 1801Ladies and gentlemen, despite the broken window there's no cause for alarm. It's only been broken by a bit of the engine falling off.
Aviation scotty (310) · 10-07-2026 1656So much has changed since my girlfriend told me we’re having a baby. For instance my name, address and telephone number!
Babies notbaldbob (1172) · 10-07-2026 1046The Bayeux Tapestry is not strictly accurate historically. The whole story has been embroidered. Typically, by the winners. Some say it was a stitch-up!
Silly Allobosca 🥇 (2375) · 10-07-2026 0807Me and the wife were arguing about tits. I'm telling her it doesn't matter, she says that it does... Long story short, I start my new diet tomorrow.
Large Kebab £7.00 Your Only Fans £9.99 Why would I pay more to look at the same thing without chips and a can of coke???
I was looking through dating site profiles, and I found this single mother. Her profile info said, 'So you know from the start, I'm a package deal. Love me, love my kids.' That's the plan...
Pedophile theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 🥈 (2189) · 06-08-2026 2125Some people say that that British prisons are 'like Butlin's camps with bars' nowadays. Come on, that's got to be an exaggeration. It can't be that bad inside.
Jail/Prison theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 🥈 (2189) · 06-08-2026 2012Two cigarettes are sitting in the pub. Another cigarette walks in and sits down. The one leans over to his mate and says, "Don't mess with him. He's menthol."
Wordplay Stallion (1597) · 06-08-2026 0735My wife said she wanted me to be more like Patrick Swayze in Ghost. It’s the reason I spend so much time online harassing Whoopi Goldberg.
Wife WayOutWest (419) · 05-08-2026 1941When I was young, my dad abused me really badly. The useless cunt couldn't even do that properly.
Pedophile Stickyagain 🥈 (1384) · 05-08-2026 1009I took this fat bird home last night but I was really struggling. Eventually I said "for fuck sake love, fart and give me a clue"
Fat / Obesity Stickyagain 🥈 (1384) · 03-08-2026 2147Former Sun journalist Rod Liddle has died aged 66 after a 66-year long illness
Death LennysCrevasse (694) · 03-08-2026 1427'It's not the size of the dog in the fight that matters, but the size of the fight in the dog.' Try telling that to my neighbour. She hasn't spoken to me since my Rottweiler jumped over the garden fence and bit her Yorkshire Terrier in half at the waist.
Animals theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 🥈 (2189) · 02-08-2026 1045I wouldn't say my missus was ugly but she came second in a Megan Fox look a like competition. Diane Abbott won it.
Wife Joeydeaconsbastard (1002) · 01-08-2026 1952I like to lie on my stomach so my cock gets numb. Then it feels like I'm giving someone else a wank.
Sex n Shit Joeydeaconsbastard (1002) · 01-08-2026 1833Two boys one black one white talking. The black boy said "my daddy has a new car and when he beeps the horn it goes honk honk". The white kid says well my daddy has a new chainsaw and when he starts it up it goes run nigger nigger run nigger nigger
Racist Gingerpubes (140) · 01-08-2026 1333The evolution of the backbone is fascinating: Fish - 500 million years ago Reptiles - 250 million years ago Mammals - 100 million years ago UEFA - Yesterday
Football LennysCrevasse (694) · 31-07-2026 0344Did you hear about that gamekeeper who was found dead in the woods? Police suspect fowl play
Hengist (475) · 30-07-2026 1738"Four women accuse Jared Leto of criminal sexual conduct when they were teenagers", the BBC reports. In other news: "Pot calls kettle black"
Pedophile ianwatkins 🥉 (1843) · 29-07-2026 1745What's pink and fits perfectly in big ears? Noddy's cock
Nursery Rhymes LennysCrevasse (694) · 29-07-2026 1545Now that Maddie's brother is swimming at the commonwealth games, changed his name to Paddlin McCann.
My Dad is complaining about his chronic scoliosis again He's got the hump
Age/Elderly LennysCrevasse (694) · 28-07-2026 0916When I was involved in a three car pile up recently, I managed to escape with a dead leg. Not sure who's it was, but finders keepers.
Accidents/Injuries notbaldbob (1172) · 27-07-2026 1939I used to have to knock on my girlfriends batty crease when I wanted anal… Now I’ve got a ring doorbell.
Sex n Shit Cockwomble (93) · 27-07-2026 1857When I was a kid, my mother used to use Frank Sinatra records to get me to sleep. She used to hit me over the head with them.
Accidents/Injuries garry6291 (571) · 27-07-2026 1636Don't call the all-female removalist company. They'll take half your shit.
Sexist innit (580) · 27-07-2026 1615I fell on a circular saw and lost the whole left side of my body. I'm alright now.
Silly Joeydeaconsbastard (1002) · 26-07-2026 1937There was some loud knocking at our front door. ' There's a man at the door with a bill, ' said my wife. ' It's probably a duck wearing a hat, ' I replied, ' just tell it to fuck off. '
General Squeaky (1465) · 26-07-2026 0820My house was repossessed, I ended up selling my arse at Camden Lock, and a rival tramp kicked the shit out of me for rummaging through his bins. That’s the last time I forget my Tesco Clubcard.
Silly WayOutWest (419) · 25-07-2026 1654My wife and her friends went for a girl's weekend of wild camping. It started out as ordinary camping, until 2am when I set fire to their tent.
Pranks scotty (310) · 25-07-2026 1438The only time my wife will ever scream "DEEPER, DEEPER" is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Wife notbaldbob (1172) · 25-07-2026 1045My wife says I’m too impulsive with money. “Don’t be ridiculous.” “He’s not,” said my ex-Mossad bodyguard.
Silly WayOutWest (419) · 25-07-2026 0553Bought a bunch of celebrity endorsed Sat Navs. Sent them all back. Fleetwood Mac one said You can go your own way Bonnie Tyler kept saying turn around Lenny Kravitz kept asking are you gonna go my way The Bon Jovi one said Whoa we're halfway there for 12 hours Talking Heads Said we're on the Road to nowhere Dionne Warwick kept asking do you know the way to San Jose Steelers wheel said Stuck in the middle with you.
Gingerpubes (140) · 24-07-2026 1841If there was a competition for saggy tits, my wife would beat everyone. In fact, she'd wipe the floor with them.
Wife notbaldbob (1172) · 24-07-2026 0710My doctor said I don't eat enough vegetables. So I've started dating a spastic girl who loves oral sex.
Disability notbaldbob (1172) · 24-07-2026 0537I just hate it when I’m posting on Facebook and I’m rudely interrupted by a cyclist bouncing off my windscreen
Accidents/Injuries supergalley 🥉 🥉 (1408) · 23-07-2026 1234Wide scale protests are taking place all over Bradford tonight after the price of petrol went up by 30 rupees per litre.
notbaldbob (1172) · 23-07-2026 0533I once had an overactive dog that kept jumping up on people. So I named him "Syndrome".
Disability OkiPaul (142) · 23-07-2026 0354The teacher was asking her class what their fathers did. "My dad runs the prison," said little Johnny. "Is he the Governor?" she asked. "No," replied Johnny, "he's the hardest cunt in there."
Crime notbaldbob (1172) · 22-07-2026 0559I shouted at the French guy, who was about to stab me, "Mercy!" "You're welcome," he replied.
Wordplay Stallion (1597) · 21-07-2026 2123Have you noticed how many F1 drivers have names linked to Scottish towns? Stirling Moss, Lewis Hamilton, Eddie Irvine... Ayr Town Centre...
Sports notbaldbob (1172) · 21-07-2026 0608I've looked through all my cookery books, but I still can't find the recipe for disaster.
If a girl fucks more than 10 guys in a year she's called a slut. But if a bloke does it he's gay, definitely gay.
LGBTQ4KHDTV+ etc notbaldbob (1172) · 20-07-2026 1548If Islam is the religion of peace, then homeopathy is the medicine of science.
Religion notbaldbob (1172) · 20-07-2026 1541My wife and I fondly refer to our first meeting as "Brief Encounter". It was at Alcoholics Anonymous, and we'd both shat our pants.
Alcohol/Drugs scotty (310) · 20-07-2026 0930