My mate died in an accident with a cement lorry. There's already a statue of him.
Accidents/Injuries › Workplace Accident Workplace Accident supergalley (2059) · 06-09-2026 0908It will take some effort to get the coffin lid down.
The families of the five pikeys killed in the A66 crash have gathered at the scene of the accident, to see if there's any scrap metal still lying around.
Gypsies › Scrap Metal Scrap Metal theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 (3380) · 25-08-2026 1745Has anyone looked at "Sicki" lately? All completely unfunny "jokes" about breaking wind now, it's fucking dire! Thank the lord for THIS site....
Non-Jokes/Announcements › Thanks / Shoutout Thanks / Shoutout spike125 🥉 🥈 (2112) · 22-09-2026 0127Congratulations to Bonnie Blue on this big milestone… First time she’s had to guide someone OUT of her minge.
Sex n Shit Cockwomble (156) · 10-09-2026 112829 years on, and I can still remember where I was and what I was doing when I heard Diana was dead. I was at the all-night panel beaters in Paris, getting my white Fiat Uno fixed.
Celebrity Death › Car Crash Celebs Car Crash Celebs theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 (3380) · 31-08-2026 1112What's the difference between a black woman from the 1800s and a black woman today.. The type of lashes they get.
Racist Pasty (48) · 28-08-2026 0552My kids are scared of flies. They always start to cry when I unzip mine.
Of course black lives matter. A dead slave is useless.
Racist › KKK Energy KKK Energy innit (958) · 20-09-2026 0453If Adam and Eve had been Chinese... they would have eaten the snake.
Religion Squeaky (1949) · 03-09-2026 0802I must have really pissed off the wife when we had a go at erotic asphyxiation. She's been lying there for five days now,giving me the silent treatment.
Sex n Shit Squeaky (1949) · 31-08-2026 0805What's bitter, smells of onions and comes in a curry sauce? That Deliveroo driver you didn't tip.
Definition of Obscenity: Anything that gives the judge an erection.
Sex n Shit innit (958) · 10-09-2026 0938My brother and his family are moving to Glasgow. Well I'll be a junkie's uncle!
Alcohol/Drugs theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 (3380) · 29-08-2026 1555A lot of actors are really worried that in the future, they will be replaced in films by AI avatars, but many directors say that AI will never be able to do what real Hollywood stars do. I mean, how could a computer suck Harvey Weinstein's cock?
Hollywood › Casting Couch Casting Couch Hengist (871) · 20-09-2026 1650When I was a kid my best friend was black.We used to play together all the time. Then my father sold him.
Racist › Colonial Hangover Colonial Hangover Squeaky (1949) · 01-09-2026 0801Remember this day 29 years ago? Princess Diana was all over the radio. And the dashboard, and the glovebox...
One of the barmaids in our pub got her nipple pierced. I'm shit at darts.
General Squeaky (1949) · 18-09-2026 0821I went to lunch with a champion chess player. It took him 8 minutes to pass me the salt...
General Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 14-09-2026 1350Lindsay Clancy blaming her hormones for murdering her children is like me blaming testosterone for raping mine.
Crime innit (958) · 05-09-2026 0150My wife suggested I take the kids skimming down the river. The 2-yr-old went the furthest.
Age/Elderly garry6291 (641) · 28-08-2026 1049I'm not saying Pakis smell bad, but I spoke to one over an hour ago and I'm still gagging. And that was on the phone.
Pakistani theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 (3380) · 27-08-2026 1803It must be great being a necrophiliac. You can just go straight up to someone and tell them you fancy them rotten.
Sex n Shit theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 (3380) · 27-08-2026 1544How can you tell when you are a good rapist? When she gets on top halfway through Credit, the old wiki site , in pre insect days
The family of the ‘Putney Pusher’ maintain he was totally innocent and was thrown under a bus by the Met police.
Death › Sudden Death Sudden Death SatansTesticles (27) · 17-09-2026 1631Michael Owen "never ever" tells his children he loves them. That must make the sex awkward.
Celebrities › Sports Celebs Sports Celebs ianwatkins 🥉 (2120) · 05-09-2026 1359I was on holiday with my Mrs, we were sat on the beach and all the other women were topless. I said "why don't you take your bikini top off?" She said "I feel self conscious" She finally did and said "how do I look?" I said "great" she said "really?" I said "yeah, it's pulled all the wrinkles out of your face "
Wife Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 05-09-2026 1231I came home last night and said to my wife "are you wearing knickers?" She said "no" I said "thank fuck, I thought the sofa cushion had split"
Pervert psycho breaks into a laundry fucks 2 women and runs off. Headline. Nut screws washers and bolts
Wordplay › Puns Puns Gingerpubes (274) · 30-08-2026 1544I've just finished walking from Land's End to John O'Groats. It was either that or fly with Ryanair.
Aviation › Ryanair / Budget Airline Ryanair / Budget Airline theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 (3380) · 30-08-2026 1323How can you make cot death less distressing? Dress the baby in a clown's outfit.
Death › Sudden Death Sudden Death Squeaky (1949) · 30-08-2026 0740A black man walks into a petrol station and says, 'Give me all the money in the till, or I'll blow you away!' The cashier replies, 'But you haven't got a gun!' He says, 'Sorry, force of habit. Pump number four, please.'
Racist › Colourist Jokes Colourist Jokes theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 (3380) · 28-08-2026 1444My best friend's wife died after being hit by a car. He asked me if I would say a few words at her funeral. ' Stop,Look and Listen, ' didn't go down very well.
Accidents/Injuries › Car Crash Car Crash Squeaky (1949) · 28-08-2026 0741I met this girl in a club and she was all over me, she whispered in my ear "I want you to fuck me me really badly" She wasn't disappointed.
Sex n Shit Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 27-08-2026 1849Residents in Bradford who are being kept awake at night by fireworks set off by the city's Asian community have launched a petition asking the government to ban them. I signed it enthusiastically but then I realised they meant the fireworks.
Pakistani Hengist (871) · 27-08-2026 1230My last girlfriend dumped me when she found out what my mates used to call me in primary school. Jon Venables. (credit: Barry Martin)
Crime theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 (3380) · 14-09-2026 1619I've been trying to come up with a joke about niggers. None of them work.
Racist › Classic Stereotypes Classic Stereotypes Squeaky (1949) · 14-09-2026 0722I got back to my mates flat last night after a session. In his hall he had a huge gong. "what's that?" I asked He said "it's a speaking clock" "how does it work" I asked He picked up a hammer and hit it, two seconds later a voice came through the wall and shouted "for fuck sake it's half past two in the morning!"
Alcohol/Drugs Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 11-09-2026 170125 years on, and I can still remember where I was and what I was doing when the Twin Towers collapsed. Sitting in front of the telly, making jokes about the Twin Towers collapsing.
Dark › Genocide Punchline Genocide Punchline theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 (3380) · 11-09-2026 1015A young boy sat outside his house looking forlorn. A neighbour asked him "what's wrong Johnny"? Little Johnny said "the police have informed me both my parents are dead" "Oh thats terrible" said the neighbour. "Shall I fetch Father O'Neil?" "No thanks. I don't feel like sex right now"
Religion › Catholic Guilt Catholic Guilt Gingerpubes (274) · 07-09-2026 1142Two cops walk up to a group of five Pakis. "We're looking for a paedophile gang..." One of the Pakis replies "We'll do it!"
Muslim innit (958) · 05-09-2026 0954Took the wife to Specsavers yesterday. Even they couldn't see why I married her.
General Squeaky (1949) · 05-09-2026 0822If Adam & Eve were American... They'd have been fine cos there's no way Adam would've been tempted to eat a piece of fresh fruit
Fat / Obesity LennysCrevasse 🥈 🥉 (1372) · 04-09-2026 1209After thirty years, police have finally identified the man they believe killed Tupac Shakur, based on a memoir he wrote and numerous TV interviews in which he repeatedly boasted of being the perpetrator. Professor Jason Arday.
Crime Hengist (871) · 01-09-2026 1750The weather is very muggy today. Very appropriate for the Notting Hill Carnival.
Racist › Classic Stereotypes Classic Stereotypes ianwatkins 🥉 (2120) · 30-08-2026 1604"What we know about the 33 British nationals missing in Nepal" They're all dead and their lungs are full of mud?
In The News › Weather Extreme Weather Extreme ianwatkins 🥉 (2120) · 28-08-2026 1739So, come up to the lab... And see what's on the slab. Oh, it's me. RIP Frank Furter.
Celebrity Death scotty (549) · 26-08-2026 1716If you rape someone properly, there's no need to kill them. They'll do that themselves
Nashville have said they plan to have a statue of Dolly Parton made. It would be more appropriate to have a bust!
Celebrity Death jjbomber (163) · 25-08-2026 1952He was so poor growing up, his Dad had to keep his Sister pregnant so they could have fresh milk.
Joanna Wietrzyk is sponsored by Puma Pants. (Pronounced "poo ma pants)
Accidents/Injuries › Industrial Mishap Industrial Mishap OkiPaul (190) · 17-09-2026 0421What Prince George can expect on his first day at Eton today. A moist digestive busicuit.
Celebrities ponga (405) · 08-09-2026 1445I can't stand it when women breastfeed in public. There's always a fucking baby in the way of the action.
Sex n Shit › Weird Fetishes Weird Fetishes theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 (3380) · 06-09-2026 2200Home-Ec Teacher: "Now children, how do you make olive spread?" Little Jonny: "Two bottles of Vodka and rohypnol, Miss?"
Adult › One Night Stand One Night Stand LennysCrevasse 🥈 🥉 (1372) · 02-09-2026 1714I was walking by the railway line the other day when I noticed a bright yellow phone box by the tracks. Moving closer, I was able to read the words on the side: '24/7 Suicide Helpline' it said. Out of curiosity, I picked up the receiver and put it to my ear. "Now lay down on the tracks," said the voice on the other end.
Suicide › Jumping in Front of Train Jumping in Front of Train Hengist (871) · 01-09-2026 1901I accidentally walked into the ladies toilet at work. I was standing over the bowl pissing and a voice behind me said "this is for ladies only" I looked down at my cock and said "so is this, but I have to run some water through it occasionally"
I told the woman sitting in front of me in the bus that she had semen on the back of her hair. She smiled and said, ' It's probably just shampoo. ' ' I don't ejaculate shampoo, ' I replied.
Sex n Shit › Public Sex Public Sex Squeaky (1949) · 29-08-2026 0753Wayne Rooney has just finished The Joy Of Sex Joy, 100, is now recovering in intensive care
Dark LennysCrevasse 🥈 🥉 (1372) · 22-09-2026 0933A sign in the window of my local corner shop says, 'This place is NOT called The Paki Shop!' Excellent! About time they were white-owned.
Pakistani › Corner Shop Corner Shop theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 (3380) · 19-09-2026 1022I tried using the online Alzheimer's support service but I can't remember my login details
Hengist (871) · 19-09-2026 0748Two-inch dick: "It's tiny!" she laughed. Two-inch spider: "It's enormous!" she screamed. So I've had a spider tattooed on my dick.
General › Everyday Life Everyday Life Dristarg (167) · 12-09-2026 1006My wife dresses to kill. Unfortunately she cooks the same way.
Wife Squeaky (1949) · 11-09-2026 0735My nickname for my cock is Prince. It's small and purple, and hasn't stood up since 2016.
Celebrity Death › Died Too Young Died Too Young theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 (3380) · 11-09-2026 0546What does my cock and Israel have in common? It’s small, it fucks women and children and a total cunt is in charge of it.
Jewish Cockwomble (156) · 10-09-2026 1705First they didn't know what a woman is. Now they don't know what a murderer is.
In The News › Trial of the Century Trial of the Century innit (958) · 10-09-2026 1429Angela Rayner has pledged to end homelessness in the UK within the next three years. Labour will build more bridges for them to sleep under.
Political Squeaky (1949) · 06-09-2026 0759The Labour MP for Dover has expressed his anger at large-scale masked protests at the port today. "These are not the hordes of unidentified military aged men the Labour Party wants here!" He declared.
Boats Hengist (871) · 05-09-2026 2155If Adam and Eve had been Albanian... They would have tried to sneak back into Eden in the back of a lorry
Religion Hengist (871) · 03-09-2026 2349The Lindsay Clancy case is taking so long because 3 men are trying to explain to 9 women that hormones don't excuse child murder.
In The News innit (958) · 01-09-2026 1208Jack and his date, Blossom were parked on a back road some distance from Newcastle, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from Newcastle: Things were getting hot and heavy when Blossom stopped Jack. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge £120 for sex." She said. Jack just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly paid her and they went on to have mind blowing sex for the next hour. After they were done and had smoked a cigarette, Jack just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" Asked Blossom "Well." Jack replied with a grin on his face. "I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a Taxi Driver and the fare back to Newcastle is £130."
Prostitution / Sex Worker supergalley (2059) · 01-09-2026 0325Bonnie Blue gives birth to first child. She was in labour for nearly 20 seconds.
Sex n Shit › Group Sex Group Sex theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 (3380) · 31-08-2026 1911My wife asked me to rock our baby to sleep. All I've managed to determine so far is that he's not a big Slayer fan.
Babies › Sleep Deprivation Sleep Deprivation theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 (3380) · 30-08-2026 2049I met this really hot girl who was into green issues and the environment in a big way. She later dumped me when she found out my erection wasn't sustainable.
Green /Environment / Carbon Neutral Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 27-08-2026 1912I'm so ugly I have to roofie my hand.
Rape / Sexual Violence theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 (3380) · 27-08-2026 1801All this rain on the same weekend as Manchester Pride. It's as if God hates gay people.
AIDS › Gay Plague Era Gay Plague Era ianwatkins 🥉 (2120) · 27-08-2026 1515Ask your wife to sit on her hand til it goes numb, before wanking you off. It'll feel like her sister's doing it.
Wife scotty (549) · 27-08-2026 1236The best part about having schizophrenia is that a wank turns into an orgy!
Mentally Ill/Mental Health innit (958) · 27-08-2026 0647I was trying to chat up a girl in a bar. She said " I wouldn't sleep with you if you were the last man on earth" I said "if I were the last man on earth, who would stop me?"
Sex n Shit Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 26-08-2026 1550Asylum seekers were taught how to avoid having sex with underage girls in Britain A better lesson would be how to avoid Britain.
Sex n Shit ponga (405) · 21-09-2026 0153My favourite teacher in high school was Mr Blackwell, in Geography. One of those really laid-back, easy-going cool teachers, you know the sort. I wouldn't have swapped him for all the tea in Denmark.
School/College/University theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 (3380) · 20-09-2026 1735My mate asked me, "What do you spend on a bottle of wine?". "I dunno, about 20 minutes, half an hour I guess", I replied.
spike125 🥉 🥈 (2112) · 20-09-2026 1138I once said boo to a goose. Fuck the rules.
How do you stop a grooming gang? Chuck em a cricket ball
Pakistani › Grooming Gang Grooming Gang LennysCrevasse 🥈 🥉 (1372) · 19-09-2026 1809Words like 'Paki' and 'nigger' don't bother me. Just the people.
Racist › Slur Encyclopedia Slur Encyclopedia theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 (3380) · 19-09-2026 1757My doctor's prescribed me some haemorrhoid cream. On the label it says, 'For External Use Only'. My neighbours aren't too chuffed.
Silly › Toilet Humour Light Toilet Humour Light theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 (3380) · 19-09-2026 1123Man who was duct-taped on flight after outburst breaks his silence. He told reporters; 'Mmmmmmf! Mmmmf! Mmmmmfffff!'
Silly theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 (3380) · 17-09-2026 2031The way Feminazis are going on about Sydney Sweeney's new ad you'd think she strangled three kids or something.
In The News › Tabloid Scandal Tabloid Scandal innit (958) · 17-09-2026 1316As a Muslim I remember where I was on 9/11 Sat at home wondering how my dad's first flying lesson was going. Only joking I was outside the primary school selecting my 2nd wife
Racist › Mixed Race Mixed Race Jeffstelling (11) · 11-09-2026 1608I can't wait until Bonnie Blue's kid is old enough to Google her Mother.
Sex n Shit › Public Sex Public Sex ponga (405) · 10-09-2026 0436Russell Howard will host a Stand-Up Gala at The O2, in support of families affected by premature birth, stillbirth and neonatal death. He's going to need some pretty sick material for that. Gentlemen, I sense a challenge.
Babies › Sudden Infant Death Sudden Infant Death scotty (549) · 09-09-2026 1853My wife woke up with a big smile on her face this morning. I fucking love felt tip pens.
Silly › Childlike Childlike Squeaky (1949) · 09-09-2026 0742An abortion goes into a pub. "Plain tonic please mate, I've already had the gin."
Babies › Abortion Punchline Abortion Punchline scotty (549) · 08-09-2026 1753It's hard to describe the sadness I experience when I hear that a child has died. Or the relief if it turns out to be a black child.
Racist Squeaky (1949) · 07-09-2026 0722I was once charged with leaving the scene of an accident. It wasn't on purpose, I just didn't have my seatbelt on.
Accidents/Injuries › Car Crash Car Crash theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 (3380) · 06-09-2026 2159A Catholic bishop and his secretary are searching for a suitable headmaster for a new Catholic school that the diocese is building. "What about Father O'Leary?" asks the bishop. "He has experience teaching a Sunday school back in the eighties." "I'm afraid not, your grace," says the secretary, checking his papers. "Several former pupils have accused Father O'Leary of molesting them and he is currently under investigation." "Damn," says the bishop. "Then what about Father McDermott? He did a lot of good work as the chaplain at that Young Offenders Institution back in the nineties." "Sadly, your grace," says the secretary, checking his papers. "Father McDermott is also being investigated after former inmates accused him of sexual abuse." "Him as well?" says the bishop. "Well what about Father O'Connell? I recall he was a wonderful choirmaster back in the early two thousands." "No, your grace," says the secretary, checking his papers. "Also under investigation. He's been accused of several historic rapes by former choirboys." "Jesus Christ!" cries the bishop. "Don't we have any priests in this diocese who aren't being accused of historic sexual abuse?" "Well there is Father Creevey, your grace," says the secretary, checking his papers. "He hasn't had a single complaint of sexual misconduct in his thirty year career." "I don't think I remember him," says the bishop. "Does he have any experience working with children?" "Oh yes, your grace," says the secretary. "He did excellent work as the resident chaplain at the children's hospice."
Pedophile Hengist (871) · 06-09-2026 1714It's a good job Michael Caine was up against the Zulus and not the Japanese. 'Don't shoot til you see the whites of their eyes, lads...'
Racist › Classic Stereotypes Classic Stereotypes theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 (3380) · 05-09-2026 1631My neighbours asked if I would babysit their kids for £20 an hour. I said well they're kind of ugly, I'll only pay £15 an hour.
Pedophile › Family Friend Family Friend ianwatkins 🥉 (2120) · 05-09-2026 1510Gloria Steinem will be doing the dishes for Jesus tonight!
Celebrity Death theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 (3380) · 04-09-2026 0542If Adam & Eve had been German... They'd have used the snake for auto-erotic asphyxiation and repeatedly shoved the apple up eachother's arses
My wife rang me earlier. "Where are you?" She screamed. "I've been stuck outside this house in the rain for an hour!" "I'm having a few beers with the boys," I said. "Well I need you to come and open the door for me," she snapped. "I've forgot my key." "Calm down," I replied. "I'll send Tony through from the kitchen."
Adult garry6291 (641) · 02-09-2026 2015I watched with pride as semen dribbled down my wife's chin. ' Did you enjoy that,love, ' I said. ' .....what did you say was on that sandwich? ' she mumbled.
General Squeaky (1949) · 02-09-2026 0818A dwarf psychic goes into a bookies with a sawn off and robs the place and flees. The headline reads Small medium at large
Wordplay › Puns Puns Gingerpubes (274) · 29-08-2026 1947It's really sad that Dolly didn't make it to nine-ty five. Fuck off admin, that's my best shot.
Celebrities › Cancelled Celebrities Cancelled Celebrities MoistenReady69 (37) · 25-08-2026 2133BannedFromHeaven.com is an oasis in the barren,humourless world that our woke society has created. Long may it continue. Humour,like beauty,is in the eye of the beholder.
Accusations that the young are a snowflake generation are wrong, the head of an independent review into mental health has told the BBC. Prof Peter Fonagy says there has been a real rise in mental distress among children and young people, with anxiety, depression, self-harm and eating disorders the most common. Yeah. That's what "snowflake" means you fucking idiot.
Mentally Ill/Mental Health › Depression Depression ianwatkins 🥉 (2120) · 21-09-2026 0622Women are like bacon. Sounds good, right? Looks good. Smells good. Tastes and feels good. All the while, killing you slowly.
Marriage / Wedding innit (958) · 20-09-2026 0535Two tramps wake up one morning in their cardboard boxes. 'Hey, you wanna skip breakfast today?' 'Sure! There's usually something edible in there...'
Homeless / Bum theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 (3380) · 19-09-2026 1017After a public uproar, the boss of Ryanair has apologised for comparing rival airlines to rapists. "I am so sorry for the hurt I have caused," he said. "I did not realise how deeply offensive that sort of comparison was; it was a completely spasticated thing for me to say."
Aviation › Ryanair / Budget Airline Ryanair / Budget Airline Hengist (871) · 18-09-2026 1615On holiday in Thailand,I picked up this gorgeous woman in a bar one night. She looked like a woman,walked like a woman,talked like a woman and kissed like a woman. But when she parked the car first time I just knew there was a cock and bollocks under that dress.
Sex n Shit Squeaky (1949) · 16-09-2026 0719Andy Burnham's father Roy has died. So now he can push the death taxes through.
Political › Prime Minister Roast Prime Minister Roast ponga (405) · 14-09-2026 1428I used to put slug pellets down in my garden, until I read that hedgehogs also eat them and get poisoned. Now I put out a saucerful of beer instead. Anyway, I can't get any sleep now, as my garden is full of pissed-up slugs and hedgehogs singing and fighting all night.
Silly › Absurd Absurd theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 (3380) · 13-09-2026 1039All of my Hispanic friends seem to be transitioning at once! Another night, another dago's bi
Trans Rubbish › Youth Transition Youth Transition LennysCrevasse 🥈 🥉 (1372) · 11-09-2026 1658Everyone can remember where they were on 9/11. I'll never forget it; seeing off my mates at the airport after helping pack their rucksacks with knives and Korans...
Wanking & brain damage: After a few strokes, there's no going back.
Masturbation innit (958) · 08-09-2026 1008I was watching the TV when I shouted through to my wife in the kitchen "A cup of tea would be nice love" She replied "Why don't you stick a broom handle up my arse as well"? And it's little surprises like that are the key to a long and happy marriage.
Sexist garry6291 (641) · 05-09-2026 0657Complaining about all the illegal immigrants that are turning up here in the UK now??.. It's all thanks to all you cunts who never donated that £2 or £3 a month they were asking for!!
Immigration UpSyndrome (10) · 05-09-2026 0033If Adam and Eve were Arabian.... Adam would have put the snake in a basket and played the flute, and Eve's right hand would be amputated.
If Adam and Eve had been real people, most people would be intellectually-incompetent windowlickers. Uh... hold on...
Pedophile › Epstein Overlap Epstein Overlap theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 (3380) · 03-09-2026 2037I was home watching a film when a pole dancing scene came on. I said to my wife "you'd do really well at that " she said "that's a complement, do you really mean it?" I said yeah, you could fit about £10k in those knickers you wear"
Wife Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 03-09-2026 1149A bloke goes to the doctors as he's a bit uncomfortable "downstairs" The doctor has a look and says "well, you've made medical history you have three testicles" The bloke is overjoyed, he gets on the bus and says to the bloke next to him "I bet you £50 we've got five bollocks between us" The other bloke opens his flies and said "OK, here's my one, where's your four?"
What do you get if you cross the Queen and Prince Philip? Killed in a tunnel
Celebrity Death › Car Crash Celebs Car Crash Celebs Gingerpubes (274) · 31-08-2026 1858Christian Rock Festival happy-clappies: 'Do you hear our prayers, Lord? If you do, just give us a sign, any sign!' God: 'There you go. Now shut the fuck up...'
In The News › Breaking News Breaking News theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 (3380) · 30-08-2026 0007Buckingham Palace guards pay tribute to Dolly Parton with a rendition of 9 to 5. King Charles asks, "What is this 9 to 5 you speak of?"
In The News ponga (405) · 26-08-2026 1453"Apparently Dolly Parton suffered from chronic endometriosis resulting in a hysterectomy during the 1980s....therefore she never had children" Remarked David Fuller on his sixth cigarette
Celebrity Death LennysCrevasse 🥈 🥉 (1372) · 25-08-2026 2141Our kids have started treating the house like a hotel. They're putting bibles in the bedside tables.
General › Observational Observational Squeaky (1949) · 21-09-2026 0802Black people invented the steel drum. Those cunts will steal anything.
Racist › Classic Stereotypes Classic Stereotypes ianwatkins 🥉 (2120) · 21-09-2026 0345I wouldn’t bother with that Bayeux Tapestry…He dies at the end
In The News HaveIGotnews (90) · 20-09-2026 1059"...but if the waiting list is nearly two years," I said, "surely I'd be dead by then?" "Aha," smiled the consultant. "You've spotted the business model."
Doctor/Nurse/Medical › NHS Queue NHS Queue scotty (549) · 18-09-2026 2054Joanna Wietrrzyk rewrites history by achieving number one and number two in the same event.
In The News › Breaking News Breaking News innit (958) · 15-09-2026 2257What’s a new born baby’s least favourite song? ‘Letby entertain you’.
Babies Cockwomble (156) · 15-09-2026 1548What are 'Range Eggs'? Why do the people who leave them in those wooden boxes outside their house always look so angry when I drive off with them, when they sign says that they are 'Free'???
Dumb/Thick › Wrong End of Stick Wrong End of Stick supergalley (2059) · 13-09-2026 1859I failed my Religious Studies exam. Apparently the three holiest festivals in the Islamic calendar are not 'Eid, Ramadan and 9/11'.
Muslim Hengist (871) · 11-09-2026 0639Russell Howard will host a Stand-Up Gala at The O2 in support of families affected by premature birth, stillbirth and neonatal death Surely only the addition of Rosie Jones could make this more miserable
I only hate two things. Living things and objects.
What's white, gets licked daily and moans louder than your constipated grandad? The local spastics bus.
Disability › Wheelchair Wheelchair MoistenReady69 (37) · 07-09-2026 1622A skeleton walks into a bar, and asks for a pint of lager and a mop. Credit to very old joke.
Silly theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 (3380) · 06-09-2026 0114A bear walks into a bar and says "A pint of lager..................and a packet of crisps please". The barman says "Why the big pause?". The bear says "I had a.................stroke a few years ago."
Duane "Keffe D" Davis convicted for the killing of Tupac Shakur. He faces at least 40 years in jail, but he's also hot favourite at the 2027 American Music Awards for Services to Music.
Murder/Death/Killing scotty (549) · 02-09-2026 0746I went to the restaurant and ordered the octopus the waiter said "It will take about six hours". I said "Why's that"? And he replied "The cunt keeps turning the gas off
I read that Lance Armstrong used to date Sheryl Crow. I wonder if he liked to empty his nut on her tit?
Cancer theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 (3380) · 29-08-2026 1555I can't stand Sarah Ferguson, I'm lick toes intolerant
Me and my new girlfriend are at it like rabbits. My penis is tiny and I ejaculate in under 2 seconds.
Sex n Shit ianwatkins 🥉 (2120) · 27-08-2026 1204D. Parton has D. Parted.
Celebrity Death › Old Age Celebs Old Age Celebs theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 (3380) · 25-08-2026 1813I read that if you shave something off, it'll grow back thicker than it was before. I can't wait to see my new dick! (credit: whoever posted the original on the old place)
Accidents/Injuries › Amputation Story Amputation Story theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 (3380) · 20-09-2026 1725Groundbreaking new spinal cord implant allows paralysed patients to walk, swim, cycle, and even ride a canoe. Have they tried Tampax?
TV & Movies › Adverts / Commercials Adverts / Commercials theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 (3380) · 18-09-2026 1647Joanna Wietrzyk is the next big name in Cack and Field sports.
In The News › Breaking News Breaking News theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 (3380) · 17-09-2026 1550My wife kept telling me I should get something that would improve my sex drive. I came back from the pharmacy with two big boxes of diet pills for her.
Sex n Shit Squeaky (1949) · 17-09-2026 0828So Jesus could turn water into wine.... Big deal I can make two different liquids come out of my cock
I saw a cannibal who only had one arm and one leg. Apparently he had been on holiday but it was self catering.
General Squeaky (1949) · 15-09-2026 0750"Daddy, why is it called the GREAT North Run?" "Well son.....a white guy actually stands a chance of winning it cos it's too fucking cold for the Africans"
Racist LennysCrevasse 🥈 🥉 (1372) · 14-09-2026 1024I got one of those Ancestry DNA kits for my birthday and was amazed to find out how many famous people I am related to. Turns out that William the Conqueror is my 31x great granddad, Oliver Cromwell is my 17x great uncle and my Uncle Willy is the North Tyneside Rapist.
Rape / Sexual Violence Hengist (871) · 14-09-2026 0854Not one drop of alcohol has passed my lips this year. I've started injecting.
Alcohol/Drugs › AA Meeting AA Meeting theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 (3380) · 11-09-2026 1608What's green and fucks grannies? Wayne Rooney dressed up as Robin Hood
Sex n Shit LennysCrevasse 🥈 🥉 (1372) · 11-09-2026 0634An Amazon cargo plane has crashed on landing in Miami. The Florida SMS service has also crashed under the strain of "Your Order Has Been Delivered" texts.
Aviation scotty (549) · 06-09-2026 2030I went into my chemist and said "packet of three please" The pharmacist said "sure, what size? small, medium or liar"
Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 03-09-2026 1706i still say the butler killed him, with a candlestick, in the study.
My daughter is bulimic so I told her not to stick her fingers down her throat to make herself sick. From now on if she wants to do that she has to use my cock.
Pedophile ianwatkins 🥉 (2120) · 03-09-2026 0510I was going to make a lasagne from scratch but I ran out of scratch!
Dad Jokes Ash (31) · 02-09-2026 1404It’s a shame Mark Selby isn’t the snooker nonce. How amazing would that be introducing him at the crucible.. “and now, the child molestor from Leicester..”
Pedophile › Celebrity Pedo Celebrity Pedo Dogpad (125) · 02-09-2026 1227I've just read a book about Vaseline. It won a prize for non friction.
Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 01-09-2026 1723Two burglars broke into an off licence and one says to the other."Is this whisky"? And the other one says "Yes but not as wisky as wobbing a bank".
Crime Joeydeaconsbastard (1173) · 30-08-2026 2243What's red and fucks grannies? The Labour Party
Political › Prime Minister Roast Prime Minister Roast LennysCrevasse 🥈 🥉 (1372) · 28-08-2026 1115What's the difference between Chris Kaba and a doughnut? The doughnut had a hole in it before the police arrived
Crime › Gun Crime Gun Crime Hengist (871) · 28-08-2026 0854I watched a film about woke women over-reacting to compliments. Despicable #MeToo
Political › Left Wing Left Wing supergalley (2059) · 27-08-2026 2134If you hate yourself, remember you're not alone. A lot of other people hate you too.
Dumb/Thick › Conspiracy Brain Conspiracy Brain supergalley (2059) · 27-08-2026 2133The Dolly tribute are pouring in, like the one from the only man to survive a tit wank from her, Chuck Norris.
Dolly Parton's funeral will be held at 4:51pm.
Celebrity Death › Old Age Celebs Old Age Celebs OkiPaul (190) · 26-08-2026 0356Well Matthew, tonight I'm going to be David Fuller!
Celebrity Death jjbomber (163) · 25-08-2026 2246What do you call a Chinese celebrity nonce? Nau Zhen
Pedophile LennysCrevasse 🥈 🥉 (1372) · 25-08-2026 2118What’s the difference between Dolly Parton and a box of Dolly Mixtures? Dolly Mixtures come in a box… Dolly Parton’s going in one.
Death Stoops (53) · 25-08-2026 1815I've invested in a home cinema set-up for my living room. 4K projector, 120-inch screen, Dolby surround sound, the lot. To complete the effect I'm going to tread chewing gum into my carpet and invite some Chavs around to talk all through the film and throw popcorn at me.
theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 (3380) · 24-09-2026 0620My doctor told my my high cholesterol was down to my "poor diet" "On the contrary" I said "the food I eat is very rich"
Disease/Illness Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 23-09-2026 1951Look at me, still having great sex at 65. If the wife finds out, I'm dead. We live at 67.
Age/Elderly › Senior Sex Senior Sex supergalley (2059) · 23-09-2026 0915In breaking news it's been announced that Earl Spencer's funeral is to be held on October the 2nd after his brakes failed next Wednesday...
spike125 🥉 🥈 (2112) · 22-09-2026 0400What's the difference between a Bishop and a Rook? The Rook doesn't fuck kids
Rape / Sexual Violence LennysCrevasse 🥈 🥉 (1372) · 21-09-2026 2216Heard a rare bootleg of an old Sinnead O'Connor and the chuckle brothers collaboration track. Nothing Compares 2U to Me
Celebrities Gingerpubes (274) · 21-09-2026 1317Russian election results finalized tomorrow. Tonight’s exit poll has Putin’s United Russia leading with 346% of votes cast.
In The News Bottomfeeder (7) · 20-09-2026 1203'I really enjoy watching those young ladies run like their very lives depended on it.' 'Ah, been watching the athletics, eh?' 'Athletics?'
Rape / Sexual Violence theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 (3380) · 20-09-2026 1048Mohamed Al Fayed had a Harley Street doctor carry out invasive sexual health tests on his alleged victims. These spontaneous affairs need careful planning.
Sex n Shit ponga (405) · 19-09-2026 0443I've started blending Rohypnol into pieces of chewing gum, then handing them out to the local schoolgirls. It's my latest invention, nickateen gum.
Rape / Sexual Violence › Date Rape Date Rape theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 (3380) · 18-09-2026 1857Homeowners! Say goodbye to expensive solar panels! There's some heavy winds forecast later.
Weather theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 (3380) · 18-09-2026 1645Joanna Wietrzyk is obviously dedicated to her sport. The rest of the contestants didn't give a shit.
Sports Squeaky (1949) · 17-09-2026 0940When I was younger I used to have a sexual urge to pleasure myself by shoving lettuce up my arse... But not all of it though, oh no, just the very tip of the iceberg...
spike125 🥉 🥈 (2112) · 16-09-2026 0702What do you call a chinese male child who's hot? Boi ling What do you call a female Chinese child who's hot? Cremated
Racist › Classic Stereotypes Classic Stereotypes Gingerpubes (274) · 15-09-2026 1845The best way to get rid of slugs in your garden is to put down a saucerful of beer. The slugs drink the beer and end up shitfaced. Shortly afterwards, in the chip shop: *hic* 'Fish supper please, mate.' 'You want salt on that?' 'Fuck yeah.'
Animals › Animal Cruelty Punchline Animal Cruelty Punchline theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 (3380) · 12-09-2026 1444The Beach Boys walk into a bar. 'Round?' 'Round.' 'Get a round.' 'I'll get a round.' credit: whoever posted the original on the other place.
Songs/Rhymes › Parody Lyrics Parody Lyrics theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 (3380) · 11-09-2026 1616Nicolas Cage's driveway collapses as sinkhole opens up at his Malibu home. It's okay though, they're going to fill it with his ego.
Celebrities › Has-Beens Has-Beens scotty (549) · 10-09-2026 1833Bonnie Blue… The first woman ever to announce her second pregnancy before leaving the maternity ward.
Sex n Shit Cockwomble (156) · 10-09-2026 1132I've come up with a plan to ensure a comfortable and affordable retirement. Shoplifting.
Crime theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 (3380) · 09-09-2026 1617Protesters outside Portsmouth hotel mistake Pakistan U19 cricket team for asylum seekers. They really were keen to see them out.
Wordplay theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 (3380) · 09-09-2026 1613Despite numerous lucrative book deals and TV appearances, years of rampant spending have left the Duke and Duchess of Sussex worryingly short of cash. They have now requested that the press respect their privacy as they announce the launch of their OnlyFans account.
Prostitution / Sex Worker Hengist (871) · 09-09-2026 1208Prince Harry and Meghan Markle would prefer to be public figures, not private citizens. But please, not too public.
Celebrities › Royal Adjacent Royal Adjacent ponga (405) · 09-09-2026 1145Some things never change. An Amazon Prime plane has overshot the runway at Miami airport and delivered the goods to the house next door.
In The News jjbomber (163) · 06-09-2026 2129If Adam and Eve had been black..... there wouldn't have been a Garden of Eden.
Religion Squeaky (1949) · 03-09-2026 2215Diana D ied I n A N asty A ccident
Celebrity Death › Car Crash Celebs Car Crash Celebs Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 01-09-2026 1720What do you call a middle-aged bloke who's both a necrophile and a nonce? Like father. Like son
Dark LennysCrevasse 🥈 🥉 (1372) · 01-09-2026 1618News: Man fleeing police at Notting Hill Carnival dies in canal. Surely they mean 'dives'.
In The News ponga (405) · 01-09-2026 0941In his latest spat with Canada, Donald Trump has signed an executive order renaming Lake Ontario as Lake America, even though its name didn't come from the Canadian province in the first place. I propose a compromise. Let him rename the River Thames as the River Trump. After all, it's already overflowing with shit.
Offensive › Hate Speech Cosplay Hate Speech Cosplay theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 (3380) · 31-08-2026 1912An elephant said to the camel "Why are your tits on your back"? The camel replied "You can talk you cheeky cunt with your cock hanging off your face"
Animals Joeydeaconsbastard (1173) · 30-08-2026 1908Considering myself something of a social activist, I recently began a campaign at work to encourage overweight children to start running. By closing the school bus doors and driving off just before they get there.
Fat / Obesity Hengist (871) · 30-08-2026 1637I heard they just fired a policeman, Officer Neil Neck fired cos of his name!
Wordplay › One-Liner Wordplay One-Liner Wordplay Ash (31) · 29-08-2026 2316Legally you can't call it Crazy Golf anymore. You have to call it 'Tiger Woods is having a difficult time and we should all respect his privacy'.
Mentally Ill/Mental Health › Sectioned Sectioned ianwatkins 🥉 (2120) · 29-08-2026 1849Two teenages missing in Nepal. Last seen driving up the highway against the traffic.
Murder/Death/Killing ponga (405) · 28-08-2026 0215The mudslide in Nepal has claimed about 1,300 lives if I was a Tibetan man I think there could be more
In The News › Weather Extreme Weather Extreme HaveIGotnews (90) · 27-08-2026 1609"Inside you, there are two wolves." Anyway, that's how my son explains getting roofed at a furry convention.
Mentally Ill/Mental Health innit (958) · 27-08-2026 0645People joke about David Fuller all the time on here, but he was once a colleague of mine and was a very amiable bloke too He was always asking me to join him for a couple of cold ones after work
Dark › Necrophilia Adjacent Necrophilia Adjacent LennysCrevasse 🥈 🥉 (1372) · 26-08-2026 1200My wife got up and threw the bedroom curtains open this morning. ' It's another beautiful day darling, ' she said. ' I can't see a fucking thing, ' I replied, ' it's pitch black in here. '
Wife Squeaky (1949) · 26-08-2026 0831After ten fruitless years and hundreds of millions of pounds of taxpayer's money spent on the latest border-security technology to stop the migrant boats, one man demonstrates a new invention capable of stopping the rubber dingies in their tracks: He calls it a 'box-cutter.'
Immigration › Small Boats Small Boats Hengist (871) · 23-09-2026 2056It's good to know that even in the ultra-polarized political environment that we currently inhabit, there are still certain issues that can invite bipartisan agreement. My local Labour MP was talking recently about the need to provide more taxpayer-funded designated campsites for the Traveller Community. Their Restore opponent also believes we should have camps for Travellers...
Gypsies Hengist (871) · 23-09-2026 2038I held a séance and made contact with a load of dead z-list celebrities Jeremy Beadle had a small hand in it
Celebrity Death LennysCrevasse 🥈 🥉 (1372) · 22-09-2026 1651I can honestly say that no-one has ever criticised my work. Probably because there was so little of it.
General › Observational Observational Squeaky (1949) · 22-09-2026 0759Nursing homes are gonna be wild in 50 years when troons get Alzheimer's and start wondering where their dicks went.
LGBTQ4KHDTV+ etc › Rainbow Capitalism Rainbow Capitalism innit (958) · 21-09-2026 2255I asked my local priest if he was going on holiday anywhere nice this year. "I'm going to the Philippines, with the children," he said. Weird. I didn't think they were allowed to have kids.
Pedophile Hengist (871) · 19-09-2026 2248I wouldn't say boo to a goose. I have Tourette's, I'd tell it to fuck off.
Mentally Ill/Mental Health theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 (3380) · 19-09-2026 1122OnlyFans model reveals fan offered her fifty pounds to poo in a box and post it to him. Fucking hell, and I've been posting mine to my local MP for free for years.
Sex n Shit theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 (3380) · 18-09-2026 1858Ed Sheeran is very good around the house. In the space of a few hours, he did all his laundry, cleaning and then his Zioning
Celebrities LennysCrevasse 🥈 🥉 (1372) · 18-09-2026 1843I've got my wife's name tattooed halfway up my forearm. To show how far I've had my fist up her arse.
Sex n Shit ianwatkins 🥉 (2120) · 18-09-2026 0025My wife was waiting for the scales at Slimming world. She got to the front and stepped on the machine. She said "I've been stood in the queue for ages" The organizer said "well that's appropriate, your weight is over"
Fat / Obesity Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 17-09-2026 1648Worst thing about women's football? All the extra stoppage time while the ref tries to explain the offside rule.
Sexist theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 (3380) · 17-09-2026 1624I see a crocodile infested river has been approved as the venue for rowing and canoeing at the 2032 Olympic Games in Brisbane..... A spokesman has said, "Listen cobber, in the unlikely event that any participant is attacked then they will simply enter the Paralympics instead."
In The News Alberto (22) · 17-09-2026 1354What have Macklemore and Billie Piper got in common? They've both fucked a ginger cunt
Celebrities LennysCrevasse 🥈 🥉 (1372) · 17-09-2026 1022Newsflash: £9,99 for 18 cans of Carlberg in Aldi! Breaking News: After 17 cans I finally feel like I have had a pint of beer!
Ash (31) · 16-09-2026 0758My psychologist reckons I’m addicted to “cheap dopamine”. What a load of bollocks…. does he know how much cocaine is?
Mentally Ill/Mental Health Cockwomble (156) · 16-09-2026 0649Gary Lineker just phoned Paula Radcliffe. Joanna Wietrzyk wants to join their support group.
I was cursed with a tiny penis I wish he'd just twirled his index & forefinger at me like normal devil worshippers
What do they do when we send our deceased parents to the crematorium Andy..? Burnham...!
Dad Jokes › Pun Overload Pun Overload spike125 🥉 🥈 (2112) · 14-09-2026 1241The difference between a turd and your wife. You don't have to cuddle a turd after you've laid it.
Wife Squeaky (1949) · 13-09-2026 0748Christ, getting older sucks. My barber used to sell me rubber johnnies for the weekend. Now he sells me Viagra for the weak end.
Sex n Shit › Performance Anxiety Performance Anxiety theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 (3380) · 12-09-2026 1443How many simulation theorists does it take to change a lightbulb? There is no lightbulb
General LennysCrevasse 🥈 🥉 (1372) · 12-09-2026 0825Why do bears shit in the woods? Well all the leaves are brown.
If Bonnie Blue keeps her baby alive, she's a better mother than Lindsay Clancy. The bar for motherhood is literally in hell.
Celebrities › Sex Tape Celebs Sex Tape Celebs innit (958) · 10-09-2026 2143Anybody with a bit of time on their hands should consider volunteering at childline. You can make a real difference to an abused young person's life and it's also free and more realistic than a phone sex line.
Masturbation Hengist (871) · 09-09-2026 1335The difference between Wasp's Wife and a Walrus is that One's Fat & Hairy & Smells like Fish while the Other One's a Walrus.
Wasp innit (958) · 08-09-2026 0712Lindsay Clancy is advertising for babysitter roles: "I love kids to death!"
Murder/Death/Killing innit (958) · 07-09-2026 1045If getting your dick sucked by supermodels makes you look like Richard Branson I think I'd rather be poor.
Aviation › Ryanair / Budget Airline Ryanair / Budget Airline ianwatkins 🥉 (2120) · 05-09-2026 0332UN votes to adopt new world map to reflect Africa's true size. China must be shitting themselves.
Sex n Shit › Bad in Bed Bad in Bed ianwatkins 🥉 (2120) · 05-09-2026 0026Adam and Eve were actually Irish. Adam looked at Eve and said, ' O'Hare. ' Eve looked at Adam and said, ' O'Toole. '
Religion Squeaky (1949) · 04-09-2026 1426Kirstie Allsopp has been airlifted to hospital after injuring her leg in Devon. That must have been one fucking powerful helicopter.
Fat / Obesity scotty (549) · 03-09-2026 2012My wife's got a new job at the local bread bakery. Should be perfect for the kneady cow.
Wordplay Gungho_ED (298) · 02-09-2026 2034Why is it bad to go from A to B ? Cos worse things happen at C Nope, U, F, O
Dad Jokes LennysCrevasse 🥈 🥉 (1372) · 02-09-2026 1217How many radical feminists does it take to change a..... .......How dare you mansplain things to us. Give it here...#BUZZFIZZCRACKLE.... BOOM!!#
Sexist LennysCrevasse 🥈 🥉 (1372) · 02-09-2026 0641I dropped acid last night. My shoes are fucking ruined.
Alcohol/Drugs theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 (3380) · 30-08-2026 1525They say there's sometimes a thin line between inspiration and theft. Well then, today a black guy was inspired by my fucking bike.
Racist › Classic Stereotypes Classic Stereotypes theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 (3380) · 30-08-2026 1324"omg why do white men fetishise Asian women?" Same reason you fetishise black men you fat whore.
Sexist ianwatkins 🥉 (2120) · 28-08-2026 1903The best way to calm children down is to go to McDonald's. If your baby is crying, give it a shake.
Babies › Shaken Baby Joke Shaken Baby Joke ianwatkins 🥉 (2120) · 27-08-2026 1851BBC News: Two teenagers, 13 and 14, among 33 UK nationals missing in Nepal floods. Oh so fuck the other 31 because they were adults? Teenagers are all suicidal anyway.
Dark › Existential Nihilism Existential Nihilism ianwatkins 🥉 (2120) · 27-08-2026 1215My Muslim colleague doesn't understand why women dress up like bunny girls. He said "Why would you want to have sex with a rabbit?"
A penguin walks into a bar and says "has my brother been in?" The barman says "dunno, what does he look like?"
Dad Jokes Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 27-08-2026 0952A recent survey has revealed how deeply ignorant the British public is regarding the origins of their food. 7% of those surveyed did not know that Coca-Cola contains sugar 14% of those surveyed did not know that cheese was made with milk And 20% of those surveyed did not know that Marmite is horse semen with food colouring
Silly Hengist (871) · 26-08-2026 0944The late actor Adam West once recalled having an orgy with eight groupies in the Sixties. Done her, done her, done her, done her, done her, done her, done her, done her, Batmaaaaan!
TV & Movies theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 (3380) · 24-09-2026 0622My boss dragged me into his office this morning and told me that if I don't buck my ideas up it could lead to grim repercussions. I replied 'really? Aren't they what Death sits on?'
Wordplay TurnipBroth (5) · 24-09-2026 0531My wife called and said "don't forget to pick up fish and chips on the way home" It's still a ridiculous thing to name your kids.
Babies Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 23-09-2026 1949JUDGE: "Harvey Weinstein. 15 years" WEINSTEIN: "No ta. Don't you think I'm in enough fucking trouble as it is?"
Rape / Sexual Violence › MeToo Backlash MeToo Backlash LennysCrevasse 🥈 🥉 (1372) · 23-09-2026 1722The glove puppeteers Union is going on strike. They've just had a show of hands.
Wordplay › One-Liner Wordplay One-Liner Wordplay FRANK69 (7) · 22-09-2026 1441Them: What gets covered in dirt, but stays clean? Me: A body in a coffin. Them: Soap! The answer is soap! What the fuck is wrong with you?
Self Deprecating › Socially Useless Socially Useless innit (958) · 22-09-2026 1416Just heard the bootleg of a rare Sinead O'Connor and Bono duet. Nothing Compares U2.
Charlotte the quadruple amputee in the new series of big brother should take up prostitution. She could have a website advertising called cash and carry
Celebrities › Reality TV Stars Reality TV Stars Gingerpubes (274) · 21-09-2026 1315Stephanie Cole gets to the Pearly Gates St Peter says, "Sorry. He'll be another five minutes"
Celebrity Death LennysCrevasse 🥈 🥉 (1372) · 19-09-2026 1111One of the anti trans lot said women can't have a penis. Well they have mine whether they like it or not
LGBTQ4KHDTV+ etc Gingerpubes (274) · 18-09-2026 1934The village of Piddington have voted in a referendum to leave the UK. Shockingly 285 voted to leave and a measly 26 voted to remain. Residents are currently packing up all of the belongings of the 26 remainers and arranging for them to be moved in with 3000 illegal immigrants formally planned for rehousing.
Political › Local Council Local Council Facthunt (51) · 16-09-2026 1100I reached out to Brian May in the street and he barked at me, "No autographs!" "I don't want your fucking autograph", I snapped back... "I want to you to kneel down so I can unbutton my kecks and get the dangleberries out of my arse with your hair"
Celebrities LennysCrevasse 🥈 🥉 (1372) · 16-09-2026 1024'...I used to date a girl called Lorraine, but I dumped her. Now, I date a girl called Clara. I would now like to sing a beautiful song entitled, "I can see Clara now Lorraine has gone." (From my former standup)
Wordplay › Misheard Lyrics Misheard Lyrics monkeybobhouse (35) · 15-09-2026 0549So Jesus could turn water into wine. Big deal. Thanks to my allergy, I can turn wine into watery diarrhoea.
Alcohol/Drugs › Blackout Stories Blackout Stories theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 (3380) · 14-09-2026 1616My dyslexic, Thunderbird-obsessed sister was raped and murdered last week We're organising a late-night Virgil for her tonight
Rape / Sexual Violence LennysCrevasse 🥈 🥉 (1372) · 13-09-2026 1520"On Saturday night, under the world-famous Wembley arch, five words rang out: "Punjabi Aa Gaye Wembley Oye!" Diljit Dosanjh is the first ever Punjabi singer to headline Wembley Stadium, the music venue has said. And as Bhangra beats blared out, fans erupted with cheers while Dosanjh launched into his biggest hits, from G.O.A.T. to Lover." I offer no comment
In The News › Breaking News Breaking News nausicaa (126) · 13-09-2026 0655Prince Phillip always used to be fascinated by dog walkers picking up dirty bits of brown business and throwing it in the bin But he thought it was far simpler to have them driven into a concrete wall instead
Crime › Organised Crime Organised Crime LennysCrevasse 🥈 🥉 (1372) · 12-09-2026 1918What's the difference between cricket and Epstein Island? In one, if the finger goes up, you're out. In the other, if the finger goes up, you're in
Pedophile › Epstein Overlap Epstein Overlap LennysCrevasse 🥈 🥉 (1372) · 12-09-2026 1048Latest Pornhub trending video: Twins get fucked by a bunch of religious fanatics.
Religion Porcodio (5) · 12-09-2026 0718Manchester Utd have signed Osama Bin Laden. He's fuckin lethal in the air.
Manchester United played the first leg of their European match against Sabah of Azerbaijan... For those who've never heard of it, it's a small club in England just outside Bolton...
Football › Footballer Affairs Footballer Affairs spike125 🥉 🥈 (2112) · 11-09-2026 0246Organisers have used 2,977 drones to recreate the twin towers in New York. Terrorists are going to recreate their version with just 2 drones!
Muslim jjbomber (163) · 10-09-2026 1702' I can't understand why people keep making fun of my name, ' said Mahkunt Izitchi. ' I know how you feel, ' replied Moe Lester.
Wordplay › Double Entendre Double Entendre Squeaky (1949) · 10-09-2026 0809A new probe is set to be launched by NASA later this week directly into the centre of the sun It's called Chris Langham's Hard Drive
If Adam and Eve was black "Hoe Eve don't go jivin ma ass with this muthafuckin apple now you go and get your big black ass back into that muthafuckin garden and bring me ma watermelon and while you at it bitch take this muthafuckin snake wid you and get me ma muthfuckin chicken...bitch.
Crisp Langham
Nigel Farage blames ‘loose pub talk’ for donations sting row ahead of conference speech. Haw, Nige, mate! Gonnae lend us 4 million quid til I get me giro?
Crime › Fraud / Scam Fraud / Scam theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 (3380) · 04-09-2026 1522What's long, hard and stirs Popeye's porridge? Bluto's cock
Sex n Shit LennysCrevasse 🥈 🥉 (1372) · 03-09-2026 1515Home-Ec Teacher: "Now I'll wrap this in spinach and smear it with plenty of olives. Can someone tell me what I've got?" Little Jonny: "Popeye's cock, Miss?"
God bless ChatGPT If I were a psychiatrist, I'd get the fuck down to see what's left at the Amazon warehouse while you still have time... Otherwise it's sucking dick on platform 17 at Leeds station
Tiger Woods handed five-year driving ban following DUI plea. This could be interesting. What's his handicap using only a putter?
Sports › Golf Snobs Golf Snobs theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 (3380) · 02-09-2026 1623The BBC have announced they are cancelling Ski Sunday. I think they are on a slippery slope and going downhill.
BBC Gungho_ED (298) · 01-09-2026 160629 years ago, Diana was killed for getting pregnant by Mohamed Al-Fayed's son Dodi. So at least we won't have Islamic rule sneaked into the country surreptitiously.
Celebrity Death › Car Crash Celebs Car Crash Celebs scotty (549) · 01-09-2026 0549It's 29 years today since Process Di was bumped off by Prince Phillip for carrying the unborn child of an Arab despite being mother of the future King.....err I mean, tragically lost her life in a horrific car accident
'One dead after sign crushes Christian festival-goers' "It's a sign!" (courtesy Life of Brian) I wonder whether the insurers will see this as an act of God?
In The News › Local News Weird Local News Weird nausicaa (126) · 29-08-2026 0631I rang the builders yard and said "I'd like 20 yards of sand for delivery please" The guy said "christ, what are you building, a hotel?" I said "no, I won a camel in a raffle"
Animals Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 27-08-2026 1720That's the last time I discuss the stock market with Wayne Rooney When I asked him about today's FTSE he said, "Had to cancel it la, Beryl's lost both her legs to diabetes"
Age/Elderly › Senior Sex Senior Sex LennysCrevasse 🥈 🥉 (1372) · 27-08-2026 1717A Buddhist stops at a street vendor for something to eat. He said "a hot dog please and make me one with everything" He takes it and the vendor says "here's your change" The Buddhist says "no thank you, change must come from within"
Religion › Buddhist / Other Buddhist / Other Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 27-08-2026 1449I see there's a Dolly tribute album out already. We'll actually, it's more her greatest tits
Teens walk in groups of three, five, and seven because they literally can't even.
Wordplay innit (958) · 26-08-2026 0554Apparently Dolly died of a heart attack. They were going to try chest compressions, but.............
I was clinging for dear life on the cliff face. The mountain rescue guy in the helicopter shouted, "Whatever you do, don't look down." So I started smiling.
Wordplay Stallion (1613) · 24-09-2026 1322Mr Muscle "loves the jobs you hate" but when my morbidly obese wife is standing there in her orthopedic shoe and a gimp mask demanding sex, he's nowhere to be seen.
Wife Stickyagain 🥇 (2083) · 23-09-2026 1956Fucking hell. Two migrant boats reached shore today. I cashed in all my Sickipedia Gems to help Tommo buy his boat. I really thought his patrol would stop this.
Immigration › Channel Crossing Channel Crossing SatansTesticles (27) · 23-09-2026 1550Wayne Rooney turns back the clock, showing off his new nose job and slimmer physique. Time to lock up Gran.
Celebrities › Sports Celebs Sports Celebs ponga (405) · 23-09-2026 1329Just seen a rare bootleg of an old Sinead O'Connor video where she's pleasuring herself by stuffing a meerkat up her snatch Nothing Compares The Market 2U
Is Ed Sheeran getting commission from Big Shovel? That lad doesn't know when to stop digging
Celebrities › Cancelled Celebrities Cancelled Celebrities Irishstu (189) · 20-09-2026 1330I was planning to watch a Glasgow derby from the lower leagues at midday today, being a fan of grassroots football. Trouble is it clashes with the big Midlands derby from the professional leagues, Wolves v West Brom.
Football › Local Derby Local Derby scotty (549) · 20-09-2026 1107A Muslim friend of mine introduced me to Halal meat before… Now all I have to do is kill it.
Muslim Cockwomble (156) · 20-09-2026 0954Some people say that I am racist but I disagree. It's only the fucking niggers I can't stand.
Racist Squeaky (1949) · 20-09-2026 0728Took the wife shopping for new curtains. The assistant asked which colour she was after. I was absolutely stunned when she pulled my trousers and underpants down. She pointed to my cock and asked if they had any in that shade of pink/purple.
General Squeaky (1949) · 19-09-2026 0909Joanna Wietrzyk has responded to criticism after soiling herself during a race in Beijing "I was just trying to blend in with the locals", she added
Racist LennysCrevasse 🥈 🥉 (1372) · 17-09-2026 1606I flashed my cock in the city of Beijing and this woman jogger proper shat herself
I tipped out a bag of air in India and got done for fly tipping.
Crime Cockwomble (156) · 15-09-2026 2014Why don't Germans have a sense of humour? Because if you can't laugh at your 17-year-old daughter taking a dump on your back and massaging it, you never will
Sex n Shit › Weird Fetishes Weird Fetishes LennysCrevasse 🥈 🥉 (1372) · 15-09-2026 1833There has been a lot of backlash around Sydney Sweeneys sports wear adds, she has a lot of knockers.
Celebrities PogueMahon55 (6) · 14-09-2026 0941Hugo the the Shire horse has entered the record books as the world's tallest living horse at an "abnormal" 6.5ft tall or 19.2 hands. Ok. So how big is his cock?
Animals › Bestiality Jokes Bestiality Jokes ianwatkins 🥉 (2120) · 12-09-2026 2353Hey you ever piss in the shower? She replied "sometime by accident" What the fuck, accident? Reply was not expected "you know when you take a shit and you piss a bit" So I need a new shower mat and some acid.
Historians go on about the Great Wall Street Crash of 1929, but the biggest Stock Exchange collapse was 25 years ago today.
Aviation › 9/11 Adjacent 9/11 Adjacent theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 (3380) · 11-09-2026 1519I asked my dyslexic pal if he was thinking about the Twin Towers today "All the time", he said, "It's been shite ever since the Corkscrew shut"
Disability › Learning Disability Learning Disability LennysCrevasse 🥈 🥉 (1372) · 11-09-2026 115925th anniversary of the Twin Towers. Shit, that reminds me. I must renew my pilot's license.
Aviation › 9/11 Adjacent 9/11 Adjacent ponga (405) · 10-09-2026 2305What do you call the Asian equivalent of David Fuller? Skuldeep
Dark › Necrophilia Adjacent Necrophilia Adjacent LennysCrevasse 🥈 🥉 (1372) · 10-09-2026 1844Post mistrial psychosis
Murder/Death/Killing › Murder-Suicide Murder-Suicide innit (958) · 10-09-2026 0224After a horrible few months' heartache, I texted my ex to say, "You know what, I feel much better now. I'm sorry for all the hassle, but I'm definitely over you once and for all" "Aww I'm glad, but all the same, how do you or I know for sure?", she asked I replied, "Well. I can now wank again over the images I captured of you shagging me in my basement"
Dark LennysCrevasse 🥈 🥉 (1372) · 09-09-2026 1942"Tell me a decent joke, backwards" .......Turned out I should've referred to him simply as Harvey
Mentally Ill/Mental Health LennysCrevasse 🥈 🥉 (1372) · 08-09-2026 2147If Adam and Eve only had two sons... And Cain killed Abel... And we are all descendants... That means... Cain is the world's first 🥇 motherfucker!!!
Adult › Threesome Threesome OkiPaul (190) · 08-09-2026 0446Chris Langham's final words defied convention. "Don't bother destroying my hard drive, mate."
Pedophile scotty (549) · 06-09-2026 1755Gloria Steinem to be buried in a Y-shaped coffin.
Sexist › Feminism Roast Feminism Roast ianwatkins 🥉 (2120) · 03-09-2026 1506Where & how did Wayne Rooney lose his virginity? Nantucket
Sex n Shit LennysCrevasse 🥈 🥉 (1372) · 03-09-2026 1327Warning over Ryanair's 'steep and narrow' plane stairs after passengers involved in hundreds of falls. When questioned, Ryanair said passengers were charged by the step, and passengers should be thankful we reduced the number of stairs by 20%
In The News ponga (405) · 03-09-2026 0047My wife asked me how many months it is from May to September. I went "1, 2, 3, 4, 5... It's 4" She said "Why did you count to 5?" I said "I was counting which month May was, everyone knows September is 9."
Muslim › Extremism Punchline Extremism Punchline ianwatkins 🥉 (2120) · 02-09-2026 2306I never would have guessed my best friend's name would be ChatGPT.
Self Deprecating innit (958) · 02-09-2026 1013HEALTH WARNING: After months at sea, the USS Abraham Lincoln finally docks in Pattaya, Thailand, the notorious tourist sex centre. Government officials advise tourists that despite the sunny weather, maybe wear a rainproof coat, as Pattaya will be awash with Seamen and semen.
In The News › Breaking News Breaking News monkeybobhouse (35) · 02-09-2026 0613On this day in 1997: 'Sacre bleu, Pierre! Ees zat blood all over zat wall?' 'Non, non, non, Pascal. Eet's just Di.'
Celebrity Death › Car Crash Celebs Car Crash Celebs theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 (3380) · 31-08-2026 1916I was only 16 when Diana died in that crash My mum woke me up to tell me. Not our proudest wanks
Celebrity Death › Conspiracy Deaths Conspiracy Deaths LennysCrevasse 🥈 🥉 (1372) · 31-08-2026 1428The man killed at Big Church Festival was a pastor. Then the sign hit him and turned him into meatballs.
Religion › Christianity Christianity ianwatkins 🥉 (2120) · 30-08-2026 1622I wish people wouldn't make that joke about slapping an Ethiopian in the face to kill a thousand flies etc Just heard back from my pen pal over there. Some bastard has broken his jaw
Dark › Famine Famine LennysCrevasse 🥈 🥉 (1372) · 30-08-2026 1153Turns out those lads in that crash were in such a hurry cos they wanted to get a Sausage McMuffin, but instead they ended up with double bacon
Crime LennysCrevasse 🥈 🥉 (1372) · 29-08-2026 1615King Harold of Norway sat on the throne for 35 years. I've had bad constipation, but never THAT bad.
Age/Elderly OkiPaul (190) · 29-08-2026 0536Two lepers are sat having their lunch. The first leper says to the second leper, ' Oi! Stop dipping your bread in my shoulder. '
Disease/Illness › Leprosy Leprosy Squeaky (1949) · 27-08-2026 0808It's getting daft now with this ultra woke PC bullshit - you can't even say "Two up two down" You have to say, "Any plans for today, Harvey?"
Disability LennysCrevasse 🥈 🥉 (1372) · 26-08-2026 1620I suppose when she decomposes a bit more we can start selling her image as Dollywogs?
Celebrity Death LennysCrevasse 🥈 🥉 (1372) · 25-08-2026 1951I've been thinking of joining a Gym for ages and today I finally did it. The main reason was, I noticed they do a cheap pie at lunchtime.
Fat / Obesity Squeaky (1949) · 24-09-2026 0749Gary "Angry" Anderson died today. Was it suddenly ? Either way he's not Angry anymore
Celebrity Death Gingerpubes (274) · 23-09-2026 2111Netanyahu dies. He turns up in hell, it's quite hot. Suddenly he sees himself, he smiles. Gives himself a great big handshake, I thought it might be you in charge he says. Devil Netanyahu nods, welcome to Israel he says. Netanyahu almost bursts into tears, he can't believe his luck. "And you my friend are a Palestinian."
Religion Irishstu (189) · 23-09-2026 1016‘Looksmaxxing’ influencer Clavicular charged with rape and drug offenses. He's been collared.
Wordplay › Puns Puns theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 (3380) · 22-09-2026 1628I remember getting pulled up in English class at high school, after the teacher overheard me referring to my penis as my 'cock'. I told him, 'Sir, you are an English teacher. Surely, if you are competent in your work, you must be aware that the first known reference to the penis as a 'cock' originates from the Shakespeare play The Taming of the Shrew?' That shut him up. Then I told him if he didn't like it, he could suck my cock.
Long Story › Too Long Didn't Laugh Too Long Didn't Laugh theverydevilhimself 🥇 🥇 (3380) · 20-09-2026 1732"Taxpayers foot £420,000 bill for eco-boiler to keep sex offenders warm Biomass heating system for woodwork workshop at HMP The Verne could cost up to seven times more than traditional gas alternative" Surely keeping them at lower temperatures would reduce them likelihood of 'wood' - to be commended in their case?
In The News › Breaking News Breaking News nausicaa (126) · 20-09-2026 1321