News: 5 arrested for fly-tipping. There’s a real dip in quality of Enid Blyton’s writing.

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I had a phone call from my son's headmaster. "I'm afraid to tell you that a group of Asian lads ganged up on Michael and stuck his head down the toilet." "Little bastards. Is he OK now?" "Unfortunately not. They cut it off first."

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My blood pressure is quite high so my doctor told me to eat more vegetables, leafy greens, kale, spinach etc. It tastes like shit but I just put loads of salt on it.

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I was blessed with a large penis. I would have preferred Holy Water.

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I saw my mate who has no legs yesterday waiting at the bus stop. I said "alright Dave , how are you getting on?"

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I went on a date with a girl whose Tinder profile said she had an 'infectious smile'. She had cold sores.

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My friend from America is visiting me and he told me that he done a good deed today by holding an elevator door open for a spastic. I told him that kind of talk is not welcome in this country. In England we call them lifts.

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My Mrs says I'm crap at fixing appliances. Well she's in for a shock...

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Sure is sunny this week! I've got such a good tan, earlier today I went into Patel's corner shop and he told me to fuck off back to my own country.

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I've often wondered what it'd be like to be a fly on the wall in Finsbury Park Mosque. Crowded, I'd imagine.

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Common English mistakes: Using they're instead of their. Using an apostrophe to indicate a plural. Letting Pakis into the country.

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I refused to believe I was gay and dyslexic. I was in Daniel.

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A vehicle has ploughed into crowds at Berlin Pride. The suspect reportedly had a beard, was shouting “Allahu Akbar”, wearing a suicide vest and fled the scene on a goat. Police are urging people not to speculate about the motive.

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I bought an R Kelly album once. There was a warning sticker on the cellophane. It said, 'Please keep this rapper away from babies and young children.'

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Never thought I'd see anything more ironic than a guy in a wheelchair eating a bag of Walkers. Then I saw a black guy drinking a bottle of Innocent.

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I saw a post on my local community group on Facebook: 'MISSING: Our 3-year-old tabby cat, Oscar. He is recently neutered, wears a collar bell to alert birds, and we feed him a vegan diet.' I replied, 'And you're surprised he fucked off?'

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I'm old enough to remember the good old days, when you could still find porn mags in bushes. And bushes in porn mags.

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We call my grandad "Spiderman" he hasn't got any special powers, he just can't get out of the bath.

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I was standing at the bus stop, just finishing my cigarette, when the bus suddenly left without me. "Cunt!" I shouted. I could've sworn I put the handbrake on.

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I was having a lovely sleep earlier until some inconsiderate cunt decided to bounce off my windscreen

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I've always stood up for black people. It's not worth getting stabbed over a seat

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I can always tell if a woman has a good sense of humour. Just by feeling her breasts.

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The homeless problem would be solved if the Big Issue had tits in it

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I won first place in a political correctness competition the weekend... Though to be fair, so did everyone else.

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My dog bit a black guy the other day so the police told me to have him chipped. You should see the difference, he now operates at 16 Nigger bytes a second.

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Gambling brought my family closer together. We had to buy a smaller house

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What's the worst thing that can happen when you are fucking your sister? The cot breaks.

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I was playing pool in the pub last night. As I leaned in to take a shot my buddy said, 'Watch the black, mate!' I replied, 'Why, is he near my jacket again?'

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And in animal news, a little boy has learned to be careful what he wishes for after asking if he could feed the crocodiles at the zoo.

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My grief counselor died last week. She was that good at her job, I didn't give a fuck

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How do you make a black man nervous? Take him to an auction.

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If my wife didn't sleep with her mouth open I wouldn't get any sex at all.

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My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner. ....so I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

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What does paying for a sandwich and paying for a hooker have in common? Both could have been prevented if your wife was doing her job

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I suddenly felt a tightness in my chest and my left arm went completely numb, of course I knew what to do straight away. I had a wank so it felt like someone else was doing it.

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Just wondering Was Bill Oddie taken away in a body bag or a Goodie bag.

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My date said she liked men who make an effort. She should see the well I dug in the cellar.

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"So how long are you in for?" I asked my new cellmate. "Just a couple of minutes and then I'm usually done," he replied, as he carried on thrusting.

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My girlfriend got pregnant because her coil didn't work. She's expecting a baby in the spring.

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I went to the barbers and said "I want my hair cut like Tom Cruise" so he sat me on a big cushion

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My mate Dave and I were hiking through the jungle in Cambodia. Suddenly I saw a metallic disc on the ground. I bent down to pick it up, and Dave shouts "stop!!! That's a mine!!!" I replied "hell no!! Finders keepers!! And why you suddenly speaking like an Italian??"

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There was a kid in my year at high school who got picked on all the time because he had Brittle Bone Disease. I'll never forget the day he finally snapped.

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Princess Eugenie has given birth to a baby girl in Lisbon. Sarah Ferguson spoke to her daughter on a Facetime call shortly afterwards saying "Ooh, she's so pretty Eugenie, I can see your father in her!" Eugenie replied "Can you really?" "Yes," replied Sarah, "Probably the first time he gets to babysit!"

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A black man was given a twenty five year jail sentence at Crown Court today for something he didn't do. Wipe his fingerprints off the gun.

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My wife said she's leaving me because she's never seen me sober. Fucking hell, I got married?

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People used to say that I was like Bill Oddie. I would often hide in bushes to spy on birds.

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Why is vodka clear? So the Russians can tell it isn't their tap water.

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Two books on a library shelf. ' You look thinner, ' said the first book. ' I've had my appendix removed, ' replied the second book.

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I’ve decided to liven up my sex life… The mortuary doesn’t do it for me anymore.

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A huge article just appeared featuring Dracula's lifestyle in Daily Mail. And yet, he didn't appear in The Mirror, or The Sun.

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HR asked whether I struggle to read social cues. I said no, then moved my chair closer because she seemed nervous.

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What would happen if you drop the bomb on Africa? Fuck all they're all over here.

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I don't know what's worse, me getting caught fucking my daughter, or the abortion clinic letting me bring her home in the first place.

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I think it’s pretty cool how the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos.

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I saw a Paki filling up his car at a petrol station this morning. He managed to get seven adults and ten kids in there.

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My wife asked me to name all the women I've slept with. Upon reflection I should probably have stopped when I got to her...

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Apologies, this isn't a joke. I've just jumped ship from you know where and to my absolute joy, there ARE funny people still out there. Thank you, I hope you inspire me.

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I saw a middle-aged man in a terrible wig and shouted "Oi, what do you identify as faggot?" As it turns out, it was a really bad start to my trial!

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'Cabinet turns on Starmer' Is there anything that doesn't give him a boner?

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As we were undressing in the hotel room the prostitute said to me; 'Just so you know from the start, I don't do anal. Not for extra money, not for anything.' I replied, 'You know what? You're the worst fucking rent boy I've ever picked up.'

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I hear McDonald's has branches in Africa now. The customers must prefer them to tables and chairs.

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It's no surprise the Williams sisters were so successful at tennis. Black people have centuries of experience serving. And appearing at the courts, for that matter.

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My local authority have plans to build a sewage farm near me. It won't be popular but will bring a lot of jobs to the area.

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'Teen rapists spared jail due to intellectual limitations' Turns out the judge was a retard.

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I painted my motor home pink, gave the headlights eyelashes and fitted net curtains. It's now a camper van. No, you fuck off.

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I've invented a magic beam that you can aim at any woman's head and it instantly enables you to have sex with them. Although it's technically more of a plank.

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On holiday last week, you could hear the 2 fit lesbians next door having sex every night. It wasn't easy though. You had to turn the telly right down and un-plug the fridge. My favourite joke I ever saw on Sicki Don't know who posted it but hats off

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As we left the restaurant, she kissed me and said, "We should have dinner again." "I don't think so," I replied, "I'm full."

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The BBC are to screen a new documentary about life in an average household in Bradford. 101 Damn Asians starts on Monday at 9pm.

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A ticket inspector banged on the door of the train toilet and said "where's your ticket?" I shouted FFS I'm having a shit! " He said" I don't believe you, pass it under the door" I said "there you go, the yellow bits are sweetcorn"

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My doctor told me that I have xenophobia. I'll bet I caught it off some Paki cunt.

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What's blue and orange, and at the bottom of a swimming pool? A kid with flat arm bands

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A customer just asked me if we sold condoms. I said we don't, but have you tried Boots? He said yes, but it dribbles out of the lace holes.

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After a prostate exam, the doctor quickly leaves and a nurse enters with a worried look. She whispers the words no man wants to hear: "Who the fuck was that guy?".

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An old Marine Pilot sat down in a Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked: “Are you a real pilot”? He replied: Well, I’ve spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans… Flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I’ve taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you? She said: I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. ‘It seems everything makes me think of naked women.’ The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: “Are you a real pilot?” He replied: ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a Lesbian.’

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A British army sniper was asked how many people he had killed. "None," he replied, "only Muslims."

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My Chinese girlfriend dumped me and now I can't find my way home because I'm totally disoriented.

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"Do you love me?," she asked, "because I really love you." "No, I think of you more as a clingy nuisance," I replied to my 4 year old daughter.

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Why can't more than one woman play monopoly? Because there is only one iron.

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What do you say to a Geography graduate? Big Mac and fries, please.

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Over dinner my date asked me, 'So, do you have any guilty pleasures?' I replied, 'Of course I do. Everyone does. But it's our first date, I'd be far too embarrassed to tell you about that sort of thing.' 'Don't be shy! Tell you what, how about you tell me yours and then I'll tell you mine?' 'Okay, then. Here goes... Sometimes when I'm masturbating, I like to spread peanut butter on my cock and get the dog to lick it off. Deal's a deal, now you tell me yours!' 'Erm... The Carpenters and Billy Joel.'

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I joined a Facebook group for local missing people. Nice to finally put names to some of the faces.

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A man was savagely attacked at The Teddy Bear's Picnic. His condition is said to be improving but he's not out of the woods yet.

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The first thing I look for in a woman is intelligence. Because if she doesn't have that, there's a good chance I can fuck her.

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I saw a white girl down town the other day and she had 5 black kids! I thought to myself how unlucky is that being raped 5 times.

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My wife said to me yesterday "do you want to suck my tits?" I said "no, I don't eat anything that's been on the floor"

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I can't believe my wife has kicked me out just for measuring my penis. Just for the record, it reaches the back of her sister's throat.

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My mates call me "polythene bag" I said "is that because I'm thin and flimsy?" They said "no, it's because you should be kept away from children"

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My mother-in-law bought a talking parrot, but she took it back a week later "This parrot hasn't said anything!" she complained. "I haven't had a fucking chance yet!" replied the parrot.

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I just saw a black guy running down the road with a Cape on I shouted, "Are you a Superhero?" He said, "No, I haven't paid for my haircut!"

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I recently made a girl squirt for the first time. It was pepper spray, but still a result.

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Apparently, North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York, which is a bit scary. If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.

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I took a girl back to my flat. "You haven't removed many bras have you?" she sighed. "What gave it away?" "The scissors, mainly."

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A few months ago my budgie escaped from its cage and had sex with the dog. Anyway, anybody want to buy some puppies, going cheap...?

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The missus walked out on me because of my shit sense of direction . She just packed her stuff and right.

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King Charles has revealed his recent treatment for cancer cost him his sense of taste. This is the guy who climbed over Diana to get to Camilla, he never fucking had one.

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Child killer Jamie Varley arrives for a meeting with his solicitor. "It's bad news," the solicitor says. "You're most likely looking at three to ten weeks in HMP Wakefield." "Three to ten weeks?" Varley says. "That's great! I thought I was getting life!" "You are," says the solicitor.

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Most of the rock legends of the 60s and 70s died young because of their utterly reckless behaviour. Jim Morrison used to snort huge amounts of cocaine. Keith Moon washed down his anti-alcoholism pills with champagne. And Marc Bolan let his missus drive.

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The most popular final meal on death row is fried chicken. Not very surprising really.

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I've been watching a lot of "reality" porn lately. You know, where the couple go to bed and nothing happens.

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