I had a phone call from my son's headmaster. "I'm afraid to tell you that a group of Asian lads ganged up on Michael and stuck his head down the toilet." "Little bastards. Is he OK now?" "Unfortunately not. They cut it off first."

2 comments

Has anyone looked at "Sicki" lately? All completely unfunny "jokes" about breaking wind now, it's fucking dire! Thank the lord for THIS site....

18 comments

My mate died in an accident with a cement lorry. There's already a statue of him.

0 comments

I was walking back to my place with this fat bird I'd pulled. I said "have you got any lube with you?" She said "oooh, have you got a big cock" I said "no, a narrow front door"

0 comments

My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner. ....so I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

0 comments

News: 5 arrested for fly-tipping. There’s a real dip in quality of Enid Blyton’s writing.

0 comments

Worst solar eclipse ever! 1 star

1 comment

I saw my mate who has no legs yesterday waiting at the bus stop. I said "alright Dave , how are you getting on?"

0 comments

I was blessed with a large penis. I would have preferred Holy Water.

0 comments

I got stung in one of those scams where you pay a sum into a scheme every month, but then at the end you find out there's nothing left in the pot for you. National Insurance.

0 comments

It will take some effort to get the coffin lid down.

0 comments

The families of the five pikeys killed in the A66 crash have gathered at the scene of the accident, to see if there's any scrap metal still lying around.

0 comments

My blood pressure is quite high so my doctor told me to eat more vegetables, leafy greens, kale, spinach etc. It tastes like shit but I just put loads of salt on it.

0 comments

My mate texted me saying, 'I'm in Liverpool for the night! Where's the best place to go?' I replied, 'Train station.'

2 comments

Muslims start a war they call it jihad. Muslims start losing they call it genocide.

0 comments

What's the difference between a black woman from the 1800s and a black woman today.. The type of lashes they get.

0 comments

My Mrs says I'm crap at fixing appliances. Well she's in for a shock...

0 comments

I've often wondered what it'd be like to be a fly on the wall in Finsbury Park Mosque. Crowded, I'd imagine.

2 comments

I've always stood up for black people. It's not worth getting stabbed over a seat

0 comments

A man walks into a pub and ordered 10 whiskeys. "What's the matter?", asked the barman. "I've just found out my brother's gay and he's marrying my best friend", replied the man. The next day the same bloke comes in and orders 12 whiskeys. "What's the matter this time?", he asked. "I've just found out that my son's gay as well", replied the man. The very next day he goes back to the same pub and orders 15 whiskeys. "Blimey", said the barman, "doesn't anybody in your family like women?". And with tears in his eyes he replied, "Apparently my wife does"...

0 comments

There's a sign in my local park that reads, 'Please do not cycle on the grass. You may injure a young child or an elderly person.' I'm pissed about the cycling ban, but at least they've suggested an alternative pastime.

0 comments

Of course black lives matter. A dead slave is useless.

0 comments

Congratulations to Bonnie Blue on this big milestone… First time she’s had to guide someone OUT of her minge.

0 comments

29 years on, and I can still remember where I was and what I was doing when I heard Diana was dead. I was at the all-night panel beaters in Paris, getting my white Fiat Uno fixed.

0 comments

My kids are scared of flies. They always start to cry when I unzip mine.

0 comments

Suicide must be ruled out There's no way Jason Arday did that himself

2 comments

I went on a date with a girl whose Tinder profile said she had an 'infectious smile'. She had cold sores.

0 comments

My friend from America is visiting me and he told me that he done a good deed today by holding an elevator door open for a spastic. I told him that kind of talk is not welcome in this country. In England we call them lifts.

1 comment

Sure is sunny this week! I've got such a good tan, earlier today I went into Patel's corner shop and he told me to fuck off back to my own country.

0 comments

Never thought I'd see anything more ironic than a guy in a wheelchair eating a bag of Walkers. Then I saw a black guy drinking a bottle of Innocent.

3 comments

I walked in on my grandma sucking my grandad's cock. I said "That's disgusting, why wasn’t it cremated with the rest of him."

0 comments

Christians always go on about Jesus, and the time he fed five thousand Jews with five loaves and two fishes. Well what about Hitler? He made six million Jews toast.

0 comments

I can always tell if a woman has a good sense of humour. Just by feeling her breasts.

0 comments

Common English mistakes: Using they're instead of their. Using an apostrophe to indicate a plural. Letting Pakis into the country.

0 comments

I refused to believe I was gay and dyslexic. I was in Daniel.

1 comment

A vehicle has ploughed into crowds at Berlin Pride. The suspect reportedly had a beard, was shouting “Allahu Akbar”, wearing a suicide vest and fled the scene on a goat. Police are urging people not to speculate about the motive.

0 comments

I bought an R Kelly album once. There was a warning sticker on the cellophane. It said, 'Please keep this rapper away from babies and young children.'

0 comments

We call my grandad "Spiderman" he hasn't got any special powers, he just can't get out of the bath.

0 comments

If you ever need proof that women are terrible just remember there was once a guy who shot himself after 5 minutes of marriage. RIP Adolf.

3 comments

If Adam and Eve had been Chinese... they would have eaten the snake.

0 comments

I must have really pissed off the wife when we had a go at erotic asphyxiation. She's been lying there for five days now,giving me the silent treatment.

0 comments

What's bitter, smells of onions and comes in a curry sauce? That Deliveroo driver you didn't tip.

0 comments

What's better than 2 dead coppers? 5 dead pikeys.

1 comment

I like my neighbours like I like my teeth. Straight and white.

0 comments

I can't understand why there are so many black people in TV adverts. We haven't been able to buy one for two hundred years.

1 comment

An Imam told me that throwing bacon at a Muslim is as offensive as throwing dog shit at them. Anyway, long story short, I'm now saving a fortune on bacon.

0 comments

I saw a post on my local community group on Facebook: 'MISSING: Our 3-year-old tabby cat, Oscar. He is recently neutered, wears a collar bell to alert birds, and we feed him a vegan diet.' I replied, 'And you're surprised he fucked off?'

0 comments

What's the worst thing that can happen when you are fucking your sister? The cot breaks.

2 comments

I'm old enough to remember the good old days, when you could still find porn mags in bushes. And bushes in porn mags.

0 comments

I was standing at the bus stop, just finishing my cigarette, when the bus suddenly left without me. "Cunt!" I shouted. I could've sworn I put the handbrake on.

0 comments

I was having a lovely sleep earlier until some inconsiderate cunt decided to bounce off my windscreen

0 comments

What do you get if you cross a fat homosexual and a paranoid schizophrenic? Shot in the Blind Beggar Pub.

0 comments

My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl. I said, "to be honest I didn't know he played cricket..."

0 comments

Muslim terrorists commonly use car bombs,nail bombs and pipe bombs. But I bet you will never see the fuckers with a bath bomb.

1 comment

On holiday in Paris, I joined in the riots and looted myself an 85-inch telly. Some would say that makes me a common thief, but I prefer to see the bigger picture.

0 comments

Definition of Obscenity: Anything that gives the judge an erection.

0 comments

My brother and his family are moving to Glasgow. Well I'll be a junkie's uncle!

0 comments

Temperatures are soaring in England, with many ponds and lakes expected to dry up completely this week. Which will be handy as it will help the police find all the dopey kids who drowned while swimming in them last week.

0 comments

A ticket inspector banged on the door of the train toilet and said "where's your ticket?" I shouted FFS I'm having a shit! " He said" I don't believe you, pass it under the door" I said "there you go, the yellow bits are sweetcorn"

0 comments

The homeless problem would be solved if the Big Issue had tits in it

0 comments

I won first place in a political correctness competition the weekend... Though to be fair, so did everyone else.

1 comment

My dog bit a black guy the other day so the police told me to have him chipped. You should see the difference, he now operates at 16 Nigger bytes a second.

0 comments

Gambling brought my family closer together. We had to buy a smaller house

0 comments

I was playing pool in the pub last night. As I leaned in to take a shot my buddy said, 'Watch the black, mate!' I replied, 'Why, is he near my jacket again?'

0 comments

And in animal news, a little boy has learned to be careful what he wishes for after asking if he could feed the crocodiles at the zoo.

0 comments

My grief counselor died last week. She was that good at her job, I didn't give a fuck

0 comments

How do you make a black man nervous? Take him to an auction.

0 comments

If my wife didn't sleep with her mouth open I wouldn't get any sex at all.

0 comments

The family of the man who jumped into the tiger enclosure have asked the press to leave them alone at the moment…. As it’s still a bit roar

0 comments

I had my first gig as a stand up comedian last night at a nursing home. They didn't get any of the jokes but they pissed themselves anyway...

0 comments

When I was a young lad, my body was a temple. A lot of priests entered it.

0 comments

My girlfriend hates giving me oral sex. I think that's what she was trying to say, anyway.

0 comments

I filled my blow up doll with helium. Now she's playing hard to get.

0 comments

The UK has declared its first drug consumption area where people can freely take their own illegal drugs in a ringfenced area under supervision. The area will be known as Scotland.

0 comments

I answered a knock at the door to find two policemen standing there. One said, 'Are you the owner of the Ford Focus that's parked outside?' 'I am,' I replied. 'Well, I'm afraid someone has hit your car and driven off. It's quite badly damaged.' I replied, 'Thank fuck for that!' The copper said, 'What do you mean, sir?' I said, 'I thought you two were here about those videos on my hard drive.'

0 comments

My grandad was a hard bastard. He fought the Germans and killed several. It wasn't even in the war. He was just on holiday.

0 comments

A lot of actors are really worried that in the future, they will be replaced in films by AI avatars, but many directors say that AI will never be able to do what real Hollywood stars do. I mean, how could a computer suck Harvey Weinstein's cock?

0 comments

When I was a kid my best friend was black.We used to play together all the time. Then my father sold him.

0 comments

Remember this day 29 years ago? Princess Diana was all over the radio. And the dashboard, and the glovebox...

0 comments

Cleveland Police. Tackling crime head on.

0 comments

I work for an organization that hands out clothes to the poor and disadvantaged. Primark

0 comments

People who post comments entirely in upper case want executing. Bring back capital punishment.

0 comments

Trials to fly a new type of aeroplane powered by gas have been abandoned after the pilot kept going out.

0 comments

I like my coffee how I like my women No pubes

0 comments

98 days ago I found a centipede in my garden, and I've been slowly torturing it ever since. It's on its last legs now.

0 comments

The BBC are to screen a new documentary about life in an average household in Bradford. 101 Damn Asians starts on Monday at 9pm.

0 comments

Princess Eugenie has given birth to a baby girl in Lisbon. Sarah Ferguson spoke to her daughter on a Facetime call shortly afterwards saying "Ooh, she's so pretty Eugenie, I can see your father in her!" Eugenie replied "Can you really?" "Yes," replied Sarah, "Probably the first time he gets to babysit!"

0 comments

What does paying for a sandwich and paying for a hooker have in common? Both could have been prevented if your wife was doing her job

0 comments

My doctor told me that I have xenophobia. I'll bet I caught it off some Paki cunt.

0 comments

I suddenly felt a tightness in my chest and my left arm went completely numb, of course I knew what to do straight away. I had a wank so it felt like someone else was doing it.

1 comment

Just wondering Was Bill Oddie taken away in a body bag or a Goodie bag.

0 comments

My date said she liked men who make an effort. She should see the well I dug in the cellar.

0 comments

I can't believe my wife has kicked me out just for measuring my penis. Just for the record, it reaches the back of her sister's throat.

0 comments

"So how long are you in for?" I asked my new cellmate. "Just a couple of minutes and then I'm usually done," he replied, as he carried on thrusting.

0 comments

My girlfriend got pregnant because her coil didn't work. She's expecting a baby in the spring.

0 comments

I went to the barbers and said "I want my hair cut like Tom Cruise" so he sat me on a big cushion

0 comments

My mate Dave and I were hiking through the jungle in Cambodia. Suddenly I saw a metallic disc on the ground. I bent down to pick it up, and Dave shouts "stop!!! That's a mine!!!" I replied "hell no!! Finders keepers!! And why you suddenly speaking like an Italian??"

1 comment

There was a kid in my year at high school who got picked on all the time because he had Brittle Bone Disease. I'll never forget the day he finally snapped.

0 comments

I've invented a magic beam that you can aim at any woman's head and it instantly enables you to have sex with them. Although it's technically more of a plank.

4 comments

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet. The Black Labrador asked the yellow Labrador "So why are you here?" The yellow Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed." The black Lab said, "So what's the vet going to do? " "Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the yellow Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down." "And why are you here?" the Yellow Lab asked the Black. The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch." "So what are they going to do to you?" the Yellow Lab inquired. "Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said. The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here? "I'm a humper,"said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat,a pillow, the table, and fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. "Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her feet, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away." The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance. "So, its nuts off for you too, huh?" The Great Dane said, "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped! "

1 comment