I had a phone call from my son's headmaster. "I'm afraid to tell you that a group of Asian lads ganged up on Michael and stuck his head down the toilet." "Little bastards. Is he OK now?" "Unfortunately not. They cut it off first."
Muslim supergalley 🥇 (2032) · 20-06-2026 1553I was walking back to my place with this fat bird I'd pulled. I said "have you got any lube with you?" She said "oooh, have you got a big cock" I said "no, a narrow front door"
Fat / Obesity Stickyagain (2066) · 10-08-2026 1902News: 5 arrested for fly-tipping. There’s a real dip in quality of Enid Blyton’s writing.
Crime WayOutWest (428) · 05-07-2026 2132My mate died in an accident with a cement lorry. There's already a statue of him.
Accidents/Injuries › Workplace Accident Workplace Accident supergalley 🥇 (2032) · 06-09-2026 0908My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner. ....so I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
spike125 🥇 (2018) · 07-08-2026 0245It will take some effort to get the coffin lid down.
My blood pressure is quite high so my doctor told me to eat more vegetables, leafy greens, kale, spinach etc. It tastes like shit but I just put loads of salt on it.
Age/Elderly ianwatkins 🥈 🥉 (2117) · 24-07-2026 2047I was blessed with a large penis. I would have preferred Holy Water.
Sex n Shit Squeaky (1929) · 17-05-2026 0922The families of the five pikeys killed in the A66 crash have gathered at the scene of the accident, to see if there's any scrap metal still lying around.
Gypsies › Scrap Metal Scrap Metal theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 (3362) · 25-08-2026 1745I saw my mate who has no legs yesterday waiting at the bus stop. I said "alright Dave , how are you getting on?"
My Mrs says I'm crap at fixing appliances. Well she's in for a shock...
Congratulations to Bonnie Blue on this big milestone… First time she’s had to guide someone OUT of her minge.
Sex n Shit Cockwomble (156) · 10-09-2026 112829 years on, and I can still remember where I was and what I was doing when I heard Diana was dead. I was at the all-night panel beaters in Paris, getting my white Fiat Uno fixed.
Celebrity Death › Car Crash Celebs Car Crash Celebs theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 (3362) · 31-08-2026 1112What's the difference between a black woman from the 1800s and a black woman today.. The type of lashes they get.
Racist Pasty (48) · 28-08-2026 0552My kids are scared of flies. They always start to cry when I unzip mine.
Suicide must be ruled out There's no way Jason Arday did that himself
Dark LennysCrevasse (1333) · 14-08-2026 2156I went on a date with a girl whose Tinder profile said she had an 'infectious smile'. She had cold sores.
Disease/Illness theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 (3362) · 25-07-2026 1229My friend from America is visiting me and he told me that he done a good deed today by holding an elevator door open for a spastic. I told him that kind of talk is not welcome in this country. In England we call them lifts.
Disability Joeydeaconsbastard (1173) · 16-07-2026 1919Sure is sunny this week! I've got such a good tan, earlier today I went into Patel's corner shop and he told me to fuck off back to my own country.
Pakistani theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 (3362) · 25-06-2026 1512I've often wondered what it'd be like to be a fly on the wall in Finsbury Park Mosque. Crowded, I'd imagine.
Muslim theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 (3362) · 10-06-2026 1812Never thought I'd see anything more ironic than a guy in a wheelchair eating a bag of Walkers. Then I saw a black guy drinking a bottle of Innocent.
Offensive ianwatkins 🥈 🥉 (2117) · 03-12-2025 1428I can always tell if a woman has a good sense of humour. Just by feeling her breasts.
Sex n Shit Squeaky (1929) · 04-08-2026 0819Common English mistakes: Using they're instead of their. Using an apostrophe to indicate a plural. Letting Pakis into the country.
Pakistani notbaldbob (1145) · 27-07-2026 0620I refused to believe I was gay and dyslexic. I was in Daniel.
LGBTQ4KHDTV+ etc notbaldbob (1145) · 26-07-2026 0759A vehicle has ploughed into crowds at Berlin Pride. The suspect reportedly had a beard, was shouting “Allahu Akbar”, wearing a suicide vest and fled the scene on a goat. Police are urging people not to speculate about the motive.
Muslim WayOutWest (428) · 25-07-2026 2134I bought an R Kelly album once. There was a warning sticker on the cellophane. It said, 'Please keep this rapper away from babies and young children.'
Pedophile theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 (3362) · 24-07-2026 2104I've always stood up for black people. It's not worth getting stabbed over a seat
Racist root (238) · 25-05-2026 1346Of course black lives matter. A dead slave is useless.
Racist › KKK Energy KKK Energy innit 🥉 (939) · 20-09-2026 0453If Adam and Eve had been Chinese... they would have eaten the snake.
Religion Squeaky (1929) · 03-09-2026 0802I must have really pissed off the wife when we had a go at erotic asphyxiation. She's been lying there for five days now,giving me the silent treatment.
Sex n Shit Squeaky (1929) · 31-08-2026 0805What's bitter, smells of onions and comes in a curry sauce? That Deliveroo driver you didn't tip.
What's better than 2 dead coppers? 5 dead pikeys.
Gypsies › Police Raid Police Raid theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 (3362) · 23-08-2026 2221I like my neighbours like I like my teeth. Straight and white.
Racist theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 (3362) · 19-08-2026 1752I can't understand why there are so many black people in TV adverts. We haven't been able to buy one for two hundred years.
Racist Squeaky (1929) · 14-08-2026 0723An Imam told me that throwing bacon at a Muslim is as offensive as throwing dog shit at them. Anyway, long story short, I'm now saving a fortune on bacon.
Muslim theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 (3362) · 10-08-2026 2014I saw a post on my local community group on Facebook: 'MISSING: Our 3-year-old tabby cat, Oscar. He is recently neutered, wears a collar bell to alert birds, and we feed him a vegan diet.' I replied, 'And you're surprised he fucked off?'
Animals theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 (3362) · 27-07-2026 0932What's the worst thing that can happen when you are fucking your sister? The cot breaks.
Incest Squeaky (1929) · 22-07-2026 0758I'm old enough to remember the good old days, when you could still find porn mags in bushes. And bushes in porn mags.
Sex n Shit theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 (3362) · 13-06-2026 1548We call my grandad "Spiderman" he hasn't got any special powers, he just can't get out of the bath.
Disability Stickyagain (2066) · 11-06-2026 2011I was standing at the bus stop, just finishing my cigarette, when the bus suddenly left without me. "Cunt!" I shouted. I could've sworn I put the handbrake on.
Accidents/Injuries Stallion (1608) · 11-06-2026 0827I was having a lovely sleep earlier until some inconsiderate cunt decided to bounce off my windscreen
Accidents/Injuries root (238) · 25-05-2026 1937Definition of Obscenity: Anything that gives the judge an erection.
Sex n Shit innit 🥉 (939) · 10-09-2026 0938My brother and his family are moving to Glasgow. Well I'll be a junkie's uncle!
Alcohol/Drugs theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 (3362) · 29-08-2026 1555Temperatures are soaring in England, with many ponds and lakes expected to dry up completely this week. Which will be handy as it will help the police find all the dopey kids who drowned while swimming in them last week.
Accidents/Injuries Hengist (858) · 13-08-2026 2047A ticket inspector banged on the door of the train toilet and said "where's your ticket?" I shouted FFS I'm having a shit! " He said" I don't believe you, pass it under the door" I said "there you go, the yellow bits are sweetcorn"
Stickyagain (2066) · 05-08-2026 1914The homeless problem would be solved if the Big Issue had tits in it
I won first place in a political correctness competition the weekend... Though to be fair, so did everyone else.
Political notbaldbob (1145) · 27-07-2026 1942My dog bit a black guy the other day so the police told me to have him chipped. You should see the difference, he now operates at 16 Nigger bytes a second.
Animals notbaldbob (1145) · 25-07-2026 1031Gambling brought my family closer together. We had to buy a smaller house
Gambling supergalley 🥇 (2032) · 23-07-2026 1237I was playing pool in the pub last night. As I leaned in to take a shot my buddy said, 'Watch the black, mate!' I replied, 'Why, is he near my jacket again?'
Racist theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 (3362) · 19-06-2026 0551And in animal news, a little boy has learned to be careful what he wishes for after asking if he could feed the crocodiles at the zoo.
In The News Hengist (858) · 18-06-2026 1809My grief counselor died last week. She was that good at her job, I didn't give a fuck
How do you make a black man nervous? Take him to an auction.
Racist Squeaky (1929) · 14-06-2026 1031If my wife didn't sleep with her mouth open I wouldn't get any sex at all.
Sex n Shit Squeaky (1929) · 02-06-2026 0937A lot of actors are really worried that in the future, they will be replaced in films by AI avatars, but many directors say that AI will never be able to do what real Hollywood stars do. I mean, how could a computer suck Harvey Weinstein's cock?
Hollywood › Casting Couch Casting Couch Hengist (858) · 20-09-2026 1650When I was a kid my best friend was black.We used to play together all the time. Then my father sold him.
Racist › Colonial Hangover Colonial Hangover Squeaky (1929) · 01-09-2026 0801Remember this day 29 years ago? Princess Diana was all over the radio. And the dashboard, and the glovebox...
Cleveland Police. Tackling crime head on.
Motoring › Boy Racer Boy Racer scotty (547) · 24-08-2026 1936I work for an organization that hands out clothes to the poor and disadvantaged. Primark
Work/Workplace › Minimum Wage Minimum Wage Stickyagain (2066) · 23-08-2026 1334People who post comments entirely in upper case want executing. Bring back capital punishment.
Wordplay scotty (547) · 12-08-2026 0439Trials to fly a new type of aeroplane powered by gas have been abandoned after the pilot kept going out.
Aviation Stickyagain (2066) · 11-08-2026 085998 days ago I found a centipede in my garden, and I've been slowly torturing it ever since. It's on its last legs now.
Animals theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 (3362) · 07-08-2026 0807The BBC are to screen a new documentary about life in an average household in Bradford. 101 Damn Asians starts on Monday at 9pm.
Racist theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 (3362) · 06-08-2026 1528Princess Eugenie has given birth to a baby girl in Lisbon. Sarah Ferguson spoke to her daughter on a Facetime call shortly afterwards saying "Ooh, she's so pretty Eugenie, I can see your father in her!" Eugenie replied "Can you really?" "Yes," replied Sarah, "Probably the first time he gets to babysit!"
What does paying for a sandwich and paying for a hooker have in common? Both could have been prevented if your wife was doing her job
Sex n Shit Irishstu (184) · 04-08-2026 2048My doctor told me that I have xenophobia. I'll bet I caught it off some Paki cunt.
Racist Stallion (1608) · 04-08-2026 2028I suddenly felt a tightness in my chest and my left arm went completely numb, of course I knew what to do straight away. I had a wank so it felt like someone else was doing it.
Doctor/Nurse/Medical ianwatkins 🥈 🥉 (2117) · 31-07-2026 0253Just wondering Was Bill Oddie taken away in a body bag or a Goodie bag.
Death Joeydeaconsbastard (1173) · 27-07-2026 1933My date said she liked men who make an effort. She should see the well I dug in the cellar.
Dark WayOutWest (428) · 27-07-2026 1857"So how long are you in for?" I asked my new cellmate. "Just a couple of minutes and then I'm usually done," he replied, as he carried on thrusting.
Crime notbaldbob (1145) · 23-07-2026 0535My girlfriend got pregnant because her coil didn't work. She's expecting a baby in the spring.
Adult Stickyagain (2066) · 19-07-2026 1549I went to the barbers and said "I want my hair cut like Tom Cruise" so he sat me on a big cushion
Celebrities Stickyagain (2066) · 10-07-2026 2255My mate Dave and I were hiking through the jungle in Cambodia. Suddenly I saw a metallic disc on the ground. I bent down to pick it up, and Dave shouts "stop!!! That's a mine!!!" I replied "hell no!! Finders keepers!! And why you suddenly speaking like an Italian??"
Wordplay OkiPaul (190) · 12-06-2026 0245There was a kid in my year at high school who got picked on all the time because he had Brittle Bone Disease. I'll never forget the day he finally snapped.
Disease/Illness theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 (3362) · 06-06-2026 1758I've invented a magic beam that you can aim at any woman's head and it instantly enables you to have sex with them. Although it's technically more of a plank.
Rape / Sexual Violence ianwatkins 🥈 🥉 (2117) · 23-05-2026 0201One of the barmaids in our pub got her nipple pierced. I'm shit at darts.
General Squeaky (1929) · 18-09-2026 0821I went to lunch with a champion chess player. It took him 8 minutes to pass me the salt...
General Stickyagain (2066) · 14-09-2026 1350Lindsay Clancy blaming her hormones for murdering her children is like me blaming testosterone for raping mine.
Crime innit 🥉 (939) · 05-09-2026 0150My wife suggested I take the kids skimming down the river. The 2-yr-old went the furthest.
Age/Elderly garry6291 (641) · 28-08-2026 1049I'm not saying Pakis smell bad, but I spoke to one over an hour ago and I'm still gagging. And that was on the phone.
Pakistani theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 (3362) · 27-08-2026 1803It must be great being a necrophiliac. You can just go straight up to someone and tell them you fancy them rotten.
Sex n Shit theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 (3362) · 27-08-2026 1544How can you tell when you are a good rapist? When she gets on top halfway through Credit, the old wiki site , in pre insect days
Which word ends in anal? Chloroform.
Police confirm Jason Arday was murdered. They’ve allowed the media to report it as suicide so he can take the credit for someone else’s work one last time.
Celebrity Death scotty (547) · 20-08-2026 1249The self deprecation society is taking applications for new members. I've already put myself down.
Self Deprecating innit 🥉 (939) · 17-08-2026 0928I phoned my boss's mobile. "I'm on the train heading to the south coast now." "What..?" he answered, sounding a bit annoyed. "It's five o'clock in the fucking morning! What are you doing on a train?" "You tell me," I replied. "You're the one who told me to be in Brighton early this morning."
Silly garry6291 (641) · 13-08-2026 1016Somali kid comes home from school. He proudly exclaimed "Mam my cock is 3 times the size of all the other kids. Is it because I'm black? " "No son its because your 23"
Gingerpubes (269) · 12-08-2026 1957How many policemen does it take to push a nigger down the stairs? None he fell.
Racist Joeydeaconsbastard (1173) · 04-08-2026 2113A black man was given a twenty five year jail sentence at Crown Court today for something he didn't do. Wipe his fingerprints off the gun.
Racist Squeaky (1929) · 03-08-2026 0957My wife said she's leaving me because she's never seen me sober. Fucking hell, I got married?
Alcohol/Drugs theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 (3362) · 02-08-2026 1244People used to say that I was like Bill Oddie. I would often hide in bushes to spy on birds.
Celebrities Stickyagain (2066) · 31-07-2026 0856Why is vodka clear? So the Russians can tell it isn't their tap water.
Political ianwatkins 🥈 🥉 (2117) · 29-07-2026 1831Two books on a library shelf. ' You look thinner, ' said the first book. ' I've had my appendix removed, ' replied the second book.
General Squeaky (1929) · 28-07-2026 0719I’ve decided to liven up my sex life… The mortuary doesn’t do it for me anymore.
Cockwomble (156) · 27-07-2026 1445A huge article just appeared featuring Dracula's lifestyle in Daily Mail. And yet, he didn't appear in The Mirror, or The Sun.
Dad Jokes notbaldbob (1145) · 27-07-2026 0628HR asked whether I struggle to read social cues. I said no, then moved my chair closer because she seemed nervous.
Dark WayOutWest (428) · 26-07-2026 1746What would happen if you drop the bomb on Africa? Fuck all they're all over here.
Racist Joeydeaconsbastard (1173) · 24-07-2026 2141I don't know what's worse, me getting caught fucking my daughter, or the abortion clinic letting me bring her home in the first place.
Babies Stickyagain (2066) · 24-07-2026 1943