My mate died in an accident with a cement lorry. There's already a statue of him.

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It will take some effort to get the coffin lid down.

0 comments

The families of the five pikeys killed in the A66 crash have gathered at the scene of the accident, to see if there's any scrap metal still lying around.

0 comments

Congratulations to Bonnie Blue on this big milestone… First time she’s had to guide someone OUT of her minge.

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29 years on, and I can still remember where I was and what I was doing when I heard Diana was dead. I was at the all-night panel beaters in Paris, getting my white Fiat Uno fixed.

0 comments

What's the difference between a black woman from the 1800s and a black woman today.. The type of lashes they get.

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My kids are scared of flies. They always start to cry when I unzip mine.

0 comments

Has anyone looked at "Sicki" lately? All completely unfunny "jokes" about breaking wind now, it's fucking dire! Thank the lord for THIS site....

9 comments

Of course black lives matter. A dead slave is useless.

0 comments

If Adam and Eve had been Chinese... they would have eaten the snake.

0 comments

I must have really pissed off the wife when we had a go at erotic asphyxiation. She's been lying there for five days now,giving me the silent treatment.

0 comments

What's bitter, smells of onions and comes in a curry sauce? That Deliveroo driver you didn't tip.

0 comments

Definition of Obscenity: Anything that gives the judge an erection.

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My brother and his family are moving to Glasgow. Well I'll be a junkie's uncle!

0 comments

A lot of actors are really worried that in the future, they will be replaced in films by AI avatars, but many directors say that AI will never be able to do what real Hollywood stars do. I mean, how could a computer suck Harvey Weinstein's cock?

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When I was a kid my best friend was black.We used to play together all the time. Then my father sold him.

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Remember this day 29 years ago? Princess Diana was all over the radio. And the dashboard, and the glovebox...

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Cleveland Police. Tackling crime head on.

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One of the barmaids in our pub got her nipple pierced. I'm shit at darts.

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I went to lunch with a champion chess player. It took him 8 minutes to pass me the salt...

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Lindsay Clancy blaming her hormones for murdering her children is like me blaming testosterone for raping mine.

0 comments

My wife suggested I take the kids skimming down the river. The 2-yr-old went the furthest.

0 comments

I'm not saying Pakis smell bad, but I spoke to one over an hour ago and I'm still gagging. And that was on the phone.

0 comments

It must be great being a necrophiliac. You can just go straight up to someone and tell them you fancy them rotten.

0 comments

How can you tell when you are a good rapist? When she gets on top halfway through Credit, the old wiki site , in pre insect days

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Which word ends in anal? Chloroform.

3 comments

The family of the ‘Putney Pusher’ maintain he was totally innocent and was thrown under a bus by the Met police.

0 comments

Michael Owen "never ever" tells his children he loves them. That must make the sex awkward.

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I was on holiday with my Mrs, we were sat on the beach and all the other women were topless. I said "why don't you take your bikini top off?" She said "I feel self conscious" She finally did and said "how do I look?" I said "great" she said "really?" I said "yeah, it's pulled all the wrinkles out of your face "

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I came home last night and said to my wife "are you wearing knickers?" She said "no" I said "thank fuck, I thought the sofa cushion had split"

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Pervert psycho breaks into a laundry fucks 2 women and runs off. Headline. Nut screws washers and bolts

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I've just finished walking from Land's End to John O'Groats. It was either that or fly with Ryanair.

0 comments

How can you make cot death less distressing? Dress the baby in a clown's outfit.

0 comments

A black man walks into a petrol station and says, 'Give me all the money in the till, or I'll blow you away!' The cashier replies, 'But you haven't got a gun!' He says, 'Sorry, force of habit. Pump number four, please.'

0 comments

My best friend's wife died after being hit by a car. He asked me if I would say a few words at her funeral. ' Stop,Look and Listen, ' didn't go down very well.

0 comments

I met this girl in a club and she was all over me, she whispered in my ear "I want you to fuck me me really badly" She wasn't disappointed.

0 comments

Residents in Bradford who are being kept awake at night by fireworks set off by the city's Asian community have launched a petition asking the government to ban them. I signed it enthusiastically but then I realised they meant the fireworks.

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My last girlfriend dumped me when she found out what my mates used to call me in primary school. Jon Venables. (credit: Barry Martin)

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I've been trying to come up with a joke about niggers. None of them work.

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I got back to my mates flat last night after a session. In his hall he had a huge gong. "what's that?" I asked He said "it's a speaking clock" "how does it work" I asked He picked up a hammer and hit it, two seconds later a voice came through the wall and shouted "for fuck sake it's half past two in the morning!"

2 comments

25 years on, and I can still remember where I was and what I was doing when the Twin Towers collapsed. Sitting in front of the telly, making jokes about the Twin Towers collapsing.

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A young boy sat outside his house looking forlorn. A neighbour asked him "what's wrong Johnny"? Little Johnny said "the police have informed me both my parents are dead" "Oh thats terrible" said the neighbour. "Shall I fetch Father O'Neil?" "No thanks. I don't feel like sex right now"

0 comments

Two cops walk up to a group of five Pakis. "We're looking for a paedophile gang..." One of the Pakis replies "We'll do it!"

0 comments

Took the wife to Specsavers yesterday. Even they couldn't see why I married her.

0 comments

If Adam & Eve were American... They'd have been fine cos there's no way Adam would've been tempted to eat a piece of fresh fruit

0 comments

After thirty years, police have finally identified the man they believe killed Tupac Shakur, based on a memoir he wrote and numerous TV interviews in which he repeatedly boasted of being the perpetrator. Professor Jason Arday.

0 comments

The weather is very muggy today. Very appropriate for the Notting Hill Carnival.

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"What we know about the 33 British nationals missing in Nepal" They're all dead and their lungs are full of mud?

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So, come up to the lab... And see what's on the slab. Oh, it's me. RIP Frank Furter.

0 comments

If you rape someone properly, there's no need to kill them. They'll do that themselves

0 comments

Nashville have said they plan to have a statue of Dolly Parton made. It would be more appropriate to have a bust!

0 comments

The estate agent was showing me round the only flat I could afford. He said "there's the fridge and washing machine, shall we go indoors now."

0 comments

The go fund me collection for the two policemen tragically killed in Cleveland has reached over £700,000 …..and for the pikey lookalikes…. Two washing machines and old iron gate and a rusty bike with one wheel

0 comments

Joanna Wietrzyk is sponsored by Puma Pants. (Pronounced "poo ma pants)

0 comments

What Prince George can expect on his first day at Eton today. A moist digestive busicuit.

2 comments

I can't stand it when women breastfeed in public. There's always a fucking baby in the way of the action.

0 comments

Home-Ec Teacher: "Now children, how do you make olive spread?" Little Jonny: "Two bottles of Vodka and rohypnol, Miss?"

2 comments

I was walking by the railway line the other day when I noticed a bright yellow phone box by the tracks. Moving closer, I was able to read the words on the side: '24/7 Suicide Helpline' it said. Out of curiosity, I picked up the receiver and put it to my ear. "Now lay down on the tracks," said the voice on the other end.

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I accidentally walked into the ladies toilet at work. I was standing over the bowl pissing and a voice behind me said "this is for ladies only" I looked down at my cock and said "so is this, but I have to run some water through it occasionally"

0 comments

I told the woman sitting in front of me in the bus that she had semen on the back of her hair. She smiled and said, ' It's probably just shampoo. ' ' I don't ejaculate shampoo, ' I replied.

0 comments

I saw a Chinese shoplifter at work and I shouted "hey you" he shouted back "how you know my name?" Coat off the peg already

0 comments

He was so poor growing up, his Dad had to keep his Sister pregnant so they could have fresh milk.

0 comments

A sign in the window of my local corner shop says, 'This place is NOT called The Paki Shop!' Excellent! About time they were white-owned.

0 comments

Two-inch dick: "It's tiny!" she laughed. Two-inch spider: "It's enormous!" she screamed. So I've had a spider tattooed on my dick.

0 comments

My wife dresses to kill. Unfortunately she cooks the same way.

0 comments

My nickname for my cock is Prince. It's small and purple, and hasn't stood up since 2016.

0 comments

What does my cock and Israel have in common? It’s small, it fucks women and children and a total cunt is in charge of it.

1 comment

First they didn't know what a woman is. Now they don't know what a murderer is.

0 comments

Angela Rayner has pledged to end homelessness in the UK within the next three years. Labour will build more bridges for them to sleep under.

0 comments

The Labour MP for Dover has expressed his anger at large-scale masked protests at the port today. "These are not the hordes of unidentified military aged men the Labour Party wants here!" He declared.

0 comments

If Adam and Eve had been Albanian... They would have tried to sneak back into Eden in the back of a lorry

0 comments

The Lindsay Clancy case is taking so long because 3 men are trying to explain to 9 women that hormones don't excuse child murder.

2 comments

Jack and his date, Blossom were parked on a back road some distance from Newcastle, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from Newcastle: Things were getting hot and heavy when Blossom stopped Jack. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge £120 for sex." She said. Jack just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly paid her and they went on to have mind blowing sex for the next hour. After they were done and had smoked a cigarette, Jack just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" Asked Blossom "Well." Jack replied with a grin on his face. "I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a Taxi Driver and the fare back to Newcastle is £130."

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Bonnie Blue gives birth to first child. She was in labour for nearly 20 seconds.

3 comments

My wife asked me to rock our baby to sleep. All I've managed to determine so far is that he's not a big Slayer fan.

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I met this really hot girl who was into green issues and the environment in a big way. She later dumped me when she found out my erection wasn't sustainable.

0 comments

I'm so ugly I have to roofie my hand.

0 comments

All this rain on the same weekend as Manchester Pride. It's as if God hates gay people.

0 comments

Ask your wife to sit on her hand til it goes numb, before wanking you off. It'll feel like her sister's doing it.

0 comments

The best part about having schizophrenia is that a wank turns into an orgy!

0 comments

I was trying to chat up a girl in a bar. She said " I wouldn't sleep with you if you were the last man on earth" I said "if I were the last man on earth, who would stop me?"

0 comments

My pikey neighbour keeps all his cash under a mattress. Good idea, I'd never think of looking in the front garden either.

0 comments

Wayne Rooney has just finished The Joy Of Sex Joy, 100, is now recovering in intensive care

0 comments

Asylum seekers were taught how to avoid having sex with underage girls in Britain A better lesson would be how to avoid Britain.

0 comments

My favourite teacher in high school was Mr Blackwell, in Geography. One of those really laid-back, easy-going cool teachers, you know the sort. I wouldn't have swapped him for all the tea in Denmark.

1 comment

My mate asked me, "What do you spend on a bottle of wine?". "I dunno, about 20 minutes, half an hour I guess", I replied.

0 comments

I once said boo to a goose. Fuck the rules.

1 comment

How do you stop a grooming gang? Chuck em a cricket ball

2 comments

Words like 'Paki' and 'nigger' don't bother me. Just the people.

0 comments

My doctor's prescribed me some haemorrhoid cream. On the label it says, 'For External Use Only'. My neighbours aren't too chuffed.

0 comments

I tried using the online Alzheimer's support service but I can't remember my login details

0 comments

Man who was duct-taped on flight after outburst breaks his silence. He told reporters; 'Mmmmmmf! Mmmmf! Mmmmmfffff!'

1 comment

As a Muslim I remember where I was on 9/11 Sat at home wondering how my dad's first flying lesson was going. Only joking I was outside the primary school selecting my 2nd wife

0 comments

I can't wait until Bonnie Blue's kid is old enough to Google her Mother.

1 comment

Russell Howard will host a Stand-Up Gala at The O2, in support of families affected by premature birth, stillbirth and neonatal death. He's going to need some pretty sick material for that. Gentlemen, I sense a challenge.

0 comments

My wife woke up with a big smile on her face this morning. I fucking love felt tip pens.

2 comments

An abortion goes into a pub. "Plain tonic please mate, I've already had the gin."

0 comments

It's hard to describe the sadness I experience when I hear that a child has died. Or the relief if it turns out to be a black child.

0 comments

I was once charged with leaving the scene of an accident. It wasn't on purpose, I just didn't have my seatbelt on.

1 comment

A Catholic bishop and his secretary are searching for a suitable headmaster for a new Catholic school that the diocese is building. "What about Father O'Leary?" asks the bishop. "He has experience teaching a Sunday school back in the eighties." "I'm afraid not, your grace," says the secretary, checking his papers. "Several former pupils have accused Father O'Leary of molesting them and he is currently under investigation." "Damn," says the bishop. "Then what about Father McDermott? He did a lot of good work as the chaplain at that Young Offenders Institution back in the nineties." "Sadly, your grace," says the secretary, checking his papers. "Father McDermott is also being investigated after former inmates accused him of sexual abuse." "Him as well?" says the bishop. "Well what about Father O'Connell? I recall he was a wonderful choirmaster back in the early two thousands." "No, your grace," says the secretary, checking his papers. "Also under investigation. He's been accused of several historic rapes by former choirboys." "Jesus Christ!" cries the bishop. "Don't we have any priests in this diocese who aren't being accused of historic sexual abuse?" "Well there is Father Creevey, your grace," says the secretary, checking his papers. "He hasn't had a single complaint of sexual misconduct in his thirty year career." "I don't think I remember him," says the bishop. "Does he have any experience working with children?" "Oh yes, your grace," says the secretary. "He did excellent work as the resident chaplain at the children's hospice."

0 comments

It's a good job Michael Caine was up against the Zulus and not the Japanese. 'Don't shoot til you see the whites of their eyes, lads...'

0 comments

My neighbours asked if I would babysit their kids for £20 an hour. I said well they're kind of ugly, I'll only pay £15 an hour.

0 comments

Gloria Steinem will be doing the dishes for Jesus tonight!

0 comments

If Adam & Eve had been German... They'd have used the snake for auto-erotic asphyxiation and repeatedly shoved the apple up eachother's arses

1 comment

My wife rang me earlier. "Where are you?" She screamed. "I've been stuck outside this house in the rain for an hour!" "I'm having a few beers with the boys," I said. "Well I need you to come and open the door for me," she snapped. "I've forgot my key." "Calm down," I replied. "I'll send Tony through from the kitchen."

0 comments

I watched with pride as semen dribbled down my wife's chin. ' Did you enjoy that,love, ' I said. ' .....what did you say was on that sandwich? ' she mumbled.

0 comments

A dwarf psychic goes into a bookies with a sawn off and robs the place and flees. The headline reads Small medium at large

0 comments

It's really sad that Dolly didn't make it to nine-ty five. Fuck off admin, that's my best shot.

1 comment

I never could understand "the wicker man" film If that copper hadn't been such a prude, he could have fucked the arse off Britt Ekland AND not got burned to a crisp.

4 comments

Accusations that the young are a snowflake generation are wrong, the head of an independent review into mental health has told the BBC. Prof Peter Fonagy says there has been a real rise in mental distress among children and young people, with anxiety, depression, self-harm and eating disorders the most common. Yeah. That's what "snowflake" means you fucking idiot.

0 comments

Women are like bacon. Sounds good, right? Looks good. Smells good. Tastes and feels good. All the while, killing you slowly.

0 comments

Two tramps wake up one morning in their cardboard boxes. 'Hey, you wanna skip breakfast today?' 'Sure! There's usually something edible in there...'

0 comments

After a public uproar, the boss of Ryanair has apologised for comparing rival airlines to rapists. "I am so sorry for the hurt I have caused," he said. "I did not realise how deeply offensive that sort of comparison was; it was a completely spasticated thing for me to say."

0 comments

The way Feminazis are going on about Sydney Sweeney's new ad you'd think she strangled three kids or something.

0 comments

I hated Ed Sheeran before it was cool

0 comments

On holiday in Thailand,I picked up this gorgeous woman in a bar one night. She looked like a woman,walked like a woman,talked like a woman and kissed like a woman. But when she parked the car first time I just knew there was a cock and bollocks under that dress.

0 comments

Andy Burnham's father Roy has died. So now he can push the death taxes through.

0 comments

I used to put slug pellets down in my garden, until I read that hedgehogs also eat them and get poisoned. Now I put out a saucerful of beer instead. Anyway, I can't get any sleep now, as my garden is full of pissed-up slugs and hedgehogs singing and fighting all night.

0 comments

All of my Hispanic friends seem to be transitioning at once! Another night, another dago's bi

1 comment

Everyone can remember where they were on 9/11. I'll never forget it; seeing off my mates at the airport after helping pack their rucksacks with knives and Korans...

0 comments

Wanking & brain damage: After a few strokes, there's no going back.

0 comments

I was watching the TV when I shouted through to my wife in the kitchen "A cup of tea would be nice love" She replied "Why don't you stick a broom handle up my arse as well"? And it's little surprises like that are the key to a long and happy marriage.

0 comments

Complaining about all the illegal immigrants that are turning up here in the UK now??.. It's all thanks to all you cunts who never donated that £2 or £3 a month they were asking for!!

1 comment

If Adam and Eve were Arabian.... Adam would have put the snake in a basket and played the flute, and Eve's right hand would be amputated.

0 comments

If Adam and Eve had been real people, most people would be intellectually-incompetent windowlickers. Uh... hold on...

0 comments

I was home watching a film when a pole dancing scene came on. I said to my wife "you'd do really well at that " she said "that's a complement, do you really mean it?" I said yeah, you could fit about £10k in those knickers you wear"

0 comments

A bloke goes to the doctors as he's a bit uncomfortable "downstairs" The doctor has a look and says "well, you've made medical history you have three testicles" The bloke is overjoyed, he gets on the bus and says to the bloke next to him "I bet you £50 we've got five bollocks between us" The other bloke opens his flies and said "OK, here's my one, where's your four?"

1 comment

What do you get if you cross the Queen and Prince Philip? Killed in a tunnel

0 comments

Christian Rock Festival happy-clappies: 'Do you hear our prayers, Lord? If you do, just give us a sign, any sign!' God: 'There you go. Now shut the fuck up...'

0 comments

Buckingham Palace guards pay tribute to Dolly Parton with a rendition of 9 to 5. King Charles asks, "What is this 9 to 5 you speak of?"

3 comments

"Apparently Dolly Parton suffered from chronic endometriosis resulting in a hysterectomy during the 1980s....therefore she never had children" Remarked David Fuller on his sixth cigarette

0 comments

If there's baize on the table, she's past her prime.

0 comments

Our kids have started treating the house like a hotel. They're putting bibles in the bedside tables.

2 comments

Black people invented the steel drum. Those cunts will steal anything.

0 comments

I wouldn’t bother with that Bayeux Tapestry…He dies at the end

0 comments

"...but if the waiting list is nearly two years," I said, "surely I'd be dead by then?" "Aha," smiled the consultant. "You've spotted the business model."

0 comments

Joanna Wietrrzyk rewrites history by achieving number one and number two in the same event.

0 comments

What’s a new born baby’s least favourite song? ‘Letby entertain you’.

0 comments

What are 'Range Eggs'? Why do the people who leave them in those wooden boxes outside their house always look so angry when I drive off with them, when they sign says that they are 'Free'???

3 comments

I failed my Religious Studies exam. Apparently the three holiest festivals in the Islamic calendar are not 'Eid, Ramadan and 9/11'.

0 comments

Russell Howard will host a Stand-Up Gala at The O2 in support of families affected by premature birth, stillbirth and neonatal death Surely only the addition of Rosie Jones could make this more miserable

1 comment

I only hate two things. Living things and objects.

0 comments

What's white, gets licked daily and moans louder than your constipated grandad? The local spastics bus.

3 comments

A skeleton walks into a bar, and asks for a pint of lager and a mop. Credit to very old joke.

0 comments

A bear walks into a bar and says "A pint of lager..................and a packet of crisps please". The barman says "Why the big pause?". The bear says "I had a.................stroke a few years ago."

0 comments

Duane "Keffe D" Davis convicted for the killing of Tupac Shakur. He faces at least 40 years in jail, but he's also hot favourite at the 2027 American Music Awards for Services to Music.

0 comments

I went to the restaurant and ordered the octopus the waiter said "It will take about six hours". I said "Why's that"? And he replied "The cunt keeps turning the gas off

1 comment

I read that Lance Armstrong used to date Sheryl Crow. I wonder if he liked to empty his nut on her tit?

2 comments

I can't stand Sarah Ferguson, I'm lick toes intolerant

0 comments

Me and my new girlfriend are at it like rabbits. My penis is tiny and I ejaculate in under 2 seconds.

1 comment

Can you smell curry burning?

0 comments

D. Parton has D. Parted.

1 comment

Graeme Dott now faces a hard screw to open up his tight brown

0 comments

Graeme Dott mistook that little girl for a snooker table. She was flat, smooth and the perfect height for bending over.

0 comments

Graeme Dott pleaded not guilty to child abuse charges. He said he'd been framed.

0 comments

It's only a game, so put up a real good fight. I'm gonna be fingering you tonight.

1 comment

I read that if you shave something off, it'll grow back thicker than it was before. I can't wait to see my new dick! (credit: whoever posted the original on the old place)

0 comments

Groundbreaking new spinal cord implant allows paralysed patients to walk, swim, cycle, and even ride a canoe. Have they tried Tampax?

0 comments

Joanna Wietrzyk is the next big name in Cack and Field sports.

0 comments

My wife kept telling me I should get something that would improve my sex drive. I came back from the pharmacy with two big boxes of diet pills for her.

0 comments

So Jesus could turn water into wine.... Big deal I can make two different liquids come out of my cock

2 comments

I saw a cannibal who only had one arm and one leg. Apparently he had been on holiday but it was self catering.

0 comments

"Daddy, why is it called the GREAT North Run?" "Well son.....a white guy actually stands a chance of winning it cos it's too fucking cold for the Africans"

0 comments

I got one of those Ancestry DNA kits for my birthday and was amazed to find out how many famous people I am related to. Turns out that William the Conqueror is my 31x great granddad, Oliver Cromwell is my 17x great uncle and my Uncle Willy is the North Tyneside Rapist.

0 comments

It’s been three weeks since Dolly died Still would

0 comments

Not one drop of alcohol has passed my lips this year. I've started injecting.

0 comments

What's green and fucks grannies? Wayne Rooney dressed up as Robin Hood

0 comments

An Amazon cargo plane has crashed on landing in Miami. The Florida SMS service has also crashed under the strain of "Your Order Has Been Delivered" texts.

0 comments

I went into my chemist and said "packet of three please" The pharmacist said "sure, what size? small, medium or liar"

0 comments

i still say the butler killed him, with a candlestick, in the study.

0 comments

My daughter is bulimic so I told her not to stick her fingers down her throat to make herself sick. From now on if she wants to do that she has to use my cock.

0 comments

I was going to make a lasagne from scratch but I ran out of scratch!

2 comments

It’s a shame Mark Selby isn’t the snooker nonce. How amazing would that be introducing him at the crucible.. “and now, the child molestor from Leicester..”

1 comment

I've just read a book about Vaseline. It won a prize for non friction.

0 comments

Two burglars broke into an off licence and one says to the other."Is this whisky"? And the other one says "Yes but not as wisky as wobbing a bank".

0 comments

My pronouns are That/ Cunt.

0 comments

What's red and fucks grannies? The Labour Party

0 comments

What's the difference between Chris Kaba and a doughnut? The doughnut had a hole in it before the police arrived

0 comments

I watched a film about woke women over-reacting to compliments. Despicable #MeToo

0 comments

If you hate yourself, remember you're not alone. A lot of other people hate you too.

0 comments

The Dolly tribute are pouring in, like the one from the only man to survive a tit wank from her, Chuck Norris.

0 comments

Dolly Parton's funeral will be held at 4:51pm.

0 comments

Well Matthew, tonight I'm going to be David Fuller!

0 comments

What do you call a Chinese celebrity nonce? Nau Zhen

0 comments

What’s the difference between Dolly Parton and a box of Dolly Mixtures? Dolly Mixtures come in a box… Dolly Parton’s going in one.

0 comments

There's a new eastern European cleaner at work. We call him Mr Sheen, cos he's polish.

0 comments

In the UK we've got terrorist attacks, genital mutilation, honour killings, child marriage. First world problems.

0 comments

"She was about two years old. She struggled too much and I heard something snap" "Erm Graeme, I was refering to snooker when I asked you for your lowest break"

0 comments

Ex-world snooker champion Graeme Dott is found guilty of sexually abusing two primary school children. In both the pink and the brown.

0 comments

Goblins, Grand Dragons, Imperial Wizards... ...isn't the Ku Klux Klan just Dungeons and Dragons for racists?

2 comments

In breaking news it's been announced that Earl Spencer's funeral is to be held on October the 2nd after his brakes failed next Wednesday...

0 comments

What's the difference between a Bishop and a Rook? The Rook doesn't fuck kids

0 comments

Heard a rare bootleg of an old Sinnead O'Connor and the chuckle brothers collaboration track. Nothing Compares 2U to Me

0 comments

Russian election results finalized tomorrow. Tonight’s exit poll has Putin’s United Russia leading with 346% of votes cast.

0 comments

'I really enjoy watching those young ladies run like their very lives depended on it.' 'Ah, been watching the athletics, eh?' 'Athletics?'

0 comments

Mohamed Al Fayed had a Harley Street doctor carry out invasive sexual health tests on his alleged victims. These spontaneous affairs need careful planning.

0 comments

I've started blending Rohypnol into pieces of chewing gum, then handing them out to the local schoolgirls. It's my latest invention, nickateen gum.

0 comments

Homeowners! Say goodbye to expensive solar panels! There's some heavy winds forecast later.

0 comments

Joanna Wietrzyk is obviously dedicated to her sport. The rest of the contestants didn't give a shit.

0 comments

When I was younger I used to have a sexual urge to pleasure myself by shoving lettuce up my arse... But not all of it though, oh no, just the very tip of the iceberg...

0 comments

What do you call a chinese male child who's hot? Boi ling What do you call a female Chinese child who's hot? Cremated

0 comments

The best way to get rid of slugs in your garden is to put down a saucerful of beer. The slugs drink the beer and end up shitfaced. Shortly afterwards, in the chip shop: *hic* 'Fish supper please, mate.' 'You want salt on that?' 'Fuck yeah.'

0 comments

I can't bear children. My wife does that.

0 comments

The Beach Boys walk into a bar. 'Round?' 'Round.' 'Get a round.' 'I'll get a round.' credit: whoever posted the original on the other place.

0 comments

Nicolas Cage's driveway collapses as sinkhole opens up at his Malibu home. It's okay though, they're going to fill it with his ego.

0 comments

Bonnie Blue… The first woman ever to announce her second pregnancy before leaving the maternity ward.

0 comments

I've come up with a plan to ensure a comfortable and affordable retirement. Shoplifting.

0 comments

Protesters outside Portsmouth hotel mistake Pakistan U19 cricket team for asylum seekers. They really were keen to see them out.

1 comment

Despite numerous lucrative book deals and TV appearances, years of rampant spending have left the Duke and Duchess of Sussex worryingly short of cash. They have now requested that the press respect their privacy as they announce the launch of their OnlyFans account.

1 comment

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle would prefer to be public figures, not private citizens. But please, not too public.

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Some things never change. An Amazon Prime plane has overshot the runway at Miami airport and delivered the goods to the house next door.

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If Adam and Eve had been black..... there wouldn't have been a Garden of Eden.

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Diana D ied I n A N asty A ccident

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What do you call a middle-aged bloke who's both a necrophile and a nonce? Like father. Like son

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News: Man fleeing police at Notting Hill Carnival dies in canal. Surely they mean 'dives'.

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In his latest spat with Canada, Donald Trump has signed an executive order renaming Lake Ontario as Lake America, even though its name didn't come from the Canadian province in the first place. I propose a compromise. Let him rename the River Thames as the River Trump. After all, it's already overflowing with shit.

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An elephant said to the camel "Why are your tits on your back"? The camel replied "You can talk you cheeky cunt with your cock hanging off your face"

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Considering myself something of a social activist, I recently began a campaign at work to encourage overweight children to start running. By closing the school bus doors and driving off just before they get there.

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I heard they just fired a policeman, Officer Neil Neck fired cos of his name!

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Legally you can't call it Crazy Golf anymore. You have to call it 'Tiger Woods is having a difficult time and we should all respect his privacy'.

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Two teenages missing in Nepal. Last seen driving up the highway against the traffic.

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The mudslide in Nepal has claimed about 1,300 lives if I was a Tibetan man I think there could be more

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"Inside you, there are two wolves." Anyway, that's how my son explains getting roofed at a furry convention.

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People joke about David Fuller all the time on here, but he was once a colleague of mine and was a very amiable bloke too He was always asking me to join him for a couple of cold ones after work

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My wife got up and threw the bedroom curtains open this morning. ' It's another beautiful day darling, ' she said. ' I can't see a fucking thing, ' I replied, ' it's pitch black in here. '

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I once got into trouble on here for telling a sick joke about Aberfan It was a proper old school pile-on

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Russia threatens to attack British factories in response to the UK's support for Ukraine. I suggest moving immigrants to Slough, Leeds, Leicestershire and Manchester.

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Grahame Dott said to his victims "Make me laugh,put your hands in my pockets and tickle my balls".

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BannedFromHeaven.com is an oasis in the barren,humourless world that our woke society has created. Long may it continue. Humour,like beauty,is in the eye of the beholder.

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I can honestly say that no-one has ever criticised my work. Probably because there was so little of it.

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Nursing homes are gonna be wild in 50 years when troons get Alzheimer's and start wondering where their dicks went.

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I asked my local priest if he was going on holiday anywhere nice this year. "I'm going to the Philippines, with the children," he said. Weird. I didn't think they were allowed to have kids.

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I wouldn't say boo to a goose. I have Tourette's, I'd tell it to fuck off.

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OnlyFans model reveals fan offered her fifty pounds to poo in a box and post it to him. Fucking hell, and I've been posting mine to my local MP for free for years.

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Ed Sheeran is very good around the house. In the space of a few hours, he did all his laundry, cleaning and then his Zioning

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I've got my wife's name tattooed halfway up my forearm. To show how far I've had my fist up her arse.

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My wife was waiting for the scales at Slimming world. She got to the front and stepped on the machine. She said "I've been stood in the queue for ages" The organizer said "well that's appropriate, your weight is over"

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Worst thing about women's football? All the extra stoppage time while the ref tries to explain the offside rule.

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I see a crocodile infested river has been approved as the venue for rowing and canoeing at the 2032 Olympic Games in Brisbane..... A spokesman has said, "Listen cobber, in the unlikely event that any participant is attacked then they will simply enter the Paralympics instead."

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What have Macklemore and Billie Piper got in common? They've both fucked a ginger cunt

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Newsflash: £9,99 for 18 cans of Carlberg in Aldi! Breaking News: After 17 cans I finally feel like I have had a pint of beer!

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My psychologist reckons I’m addicted to “cheap dopamine”. What a load of bollocks…. does he know how much cocaine is?

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Gary Lineker just phoned Paula Radcliffe. Joanna Wietrzyk wants to join their support group.

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I was cursed with a tiny penis I wish he'd just twirled his index & forefinger at me like normal devil worshippers

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What do they do when we send our deceased parents to the crematorium Andy..? Burnham...!

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The difference between a turd and your wife. You don't have to cuddle a turd after you've laid it.

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Christ, getting older sucks. My barber used to sell me rubber johnnies for the weekend. Now he sells me Viagra for the weak end.

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How many simulation theorists does it take to change a lightbulb? There is no lightbulb

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A deaf man walks into a bar. The barman said

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Why do bears shit in the woods? Well all the leaves are brown.

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