My blood pressure is quite high so my doctor told me to eat more vegetables, leafy greens, kale, spinach etc. It tastes like shit but I just put loads of salt on it.

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I saw my mate who has no legs yesterday waiting at the bus stop. I said "alright Dave , how are you getting on?"

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I went on a date with a girl whose Tinder profile said she had an 'infectious smile'. She had cold sores.

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My friend from America is visiting me and he told me that he done a good deed today by holding an elevator door open for a spastic. I told him that kind of talk is not welcome in this country. In England we call them lifts.

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Common English mistakes: Using they're instead of their. Using an apostrophe to indicate a plural. Letting Pakis into the country.

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I refused to believe I was gay and dyslexic. I was in Daniel.

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A vehicle has ploughed into crowds at Berlin Pride. The suspect reportedly had a beard, was shouting “Allahu Akbar”, wearing a suicide vest and fled the scene on a goat. Police are urging people not to speculate about the motive.

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I bought an R Kelly album once. There was a warning sticker on the cellophane. It said, 'Please keep this rapper away from babies and young children.'

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I saw a post on my local community group on Facebook: 'MISSING: Our 3-year-old tabby cat, Oscar. He is recently neutered, wears a collar bell to alert birds, and we feed him a vegan diet.' I replied, 'And you're surprised he fucked off?'

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I can always tell if a woman has a good sense of humour. Just by feeling her breasts.

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The homeless problem would be solved if the Big Issue had tits in it

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I won first place in a political correctness competition the weekend... Though to be fair, so did everyone else.

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My dog bit a black guy the other day so the police told me to have him chipped. You should see the difference, he now operates at 16 Nigger bytes a second.

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Gambling brought my family closer together. We had to buy a smaller house

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What's the worst thing that can happen when you are fucking your sister? The cot breaks.

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My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner. ....so I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

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What does paying for a sandwich and paying for a hooker have in common? Both could have been prevented if your wife was doing her job

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I suddenly felt a tightness in my chest and my left arm went completely numb, of course I knew what to do straight away. I had a wank so it felt like someone else was doing it.

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Just wondering Was Bill Oddie taken away in a body bag or a Goodie bag.

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My date said she liked men who make an effort. She should see the well I dug in the cellar.

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"So how long are you in for?" I asked my new cellmate. "Just a couple of minutes and then I'm usually done," he replied, as he carried on thrusting.

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My girlfriend got pregnant because her coil didn't work. She's expecting a baby in the spring.

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I went to the barbers and said "I want my hair cut like Tom Cruise" so he sat me on a big cushion

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Princess Eugenie has given birth to a baby girl in Lisbon. Sarah Ferguson spoke to her daughter on a Facetime call shortly afterwards saying "Ooh, she's so pretty Eugenie, I can see your father in her!" Eugenie replied "Can you really?" "Yes," replied Sarah, "Probably the first time he gets to babysit!"

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A black man was given a twenty five year jail sentence at Crown Court today for something he didn't do. Wipe his fingerprints off the gun.

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My wife said she's leaving me because she's never seen me sober. Fucking hell, I got married?

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People used to say that I was like Bill Oddie. I would often hide in bushes to spy on birds.

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Why is vodka clear? So the Russians can tell it isn't their tap water.

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Two books on a library shelf. ' You look thinner, ' said the first book. ' I've had my appendix removed, ' replied the second book.

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I’ve decided to liven up my sex life… The mortuary doesn’t do it for me anymore.

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A huge article just appeared featuring Dracula's lifestyle in Daily Mail. And yet, he didn't appear in The Mirror, or The Sun.

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HR asked whether I struggle to read social cues. I said no, then moved my chair closer because she seemed nervous.

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What would happen if you drop the bomb on Africa? Fuck all they're all over here.

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I don't know what's worse, me getting caught fucking my daughter, or the abortion clinic letting me bring her home in the first place.

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I think it’s pretty cool how the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos.

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I saw a Paki filling up his car at a petrol station this morning. He managed to get seven adults and ten kids in there.

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The BBC are to screen a new documentary about life in an average household in Bradford. 101 Damn Asians starts on Monday at 9pm.

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A ticket inspector banged on the door of the train toilet and said "where's your ticket?" I shouted FFS I'm having a shit! " He said" I don't believe you, pass it under the door" I said "there you go, the yellow bits are sweetcorn"

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My doctor told me that I have xenophobia. I'll bet I caught it off some Paki cunt.

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What's blue and orange, and at the bottom of a swimming pool? A kid with flat arm bands

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A customer just asked me if we sold condoms. I said we don't, but have you tried Boots? He said yes, but it dribbles out of the lace holes.

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After a prostate exam, the doctor quickly leaves and a nurse enters with a worried look. She whispers the words no man wants to hear: "Who the fuck was that guy?".

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An old Marine Pilot sat down in a Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked: “Are you a real pilot”? He replied: Well, I’ve spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans… Flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I’ve taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you? She said: I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. ‘It seems everything makes me think of naked women.’ The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: “Are you a real pilot?” He replied: ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a Lesbian.’

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A British army sniper was asked how many people he had killed. "None," he replied, "only Muslims."

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My Chinese girlfriend dumped me and now I can't find my way home because I'm totally disoriented.

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"Do you love me?," she asked, "because I really love you." "No, I think of you more as a clingy nuisance," I replied to my 4 year old daughter.

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Why can't more than one woman play monopoly? Because there is only one iron.

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What do you say to a Geography graduate? Big Mac and fries, please.

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Over dinner my date asked me, 'So, do you have any guilty pleasures?' I replied, 'Of course I do. Everyone does. But it's our first date, I'd be far too embarrassed to tell you about that sort of thing.' 'Don't be shy! Tell you what, how about you tell me yours and then I'll tell you mine?' 'Okay, then. Here goes... Sometimes when I'm masturbating, I like to spread peanut butter on my cock and get the dog to lick it off. Deal's a deal, now you tell me yours!' 'Erm... The Carpenters and Billy Joel.'

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I joined a Facebook group for local missing people. Nice to finally put names to some of the faces.

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A man was savagely attacked at The Teddy Bear's Picnic. His condition is said to be improving but he's not out of the woods yet.

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The first thing I look for in a woman is intelligence. Because if she doesn't have that, there's a good chance I can fuck her.

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I saw a white girl down town the other day and she had 5 black kids! I thought to myself how unlucky is that being raped 5 times.

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My wife said to me yesterday "do you want to suck my tits?" I said "no, I don't eat anything that's been on the floor"

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I can't believe my wife has kicked me out just for measuring my penis. Just for the record, it reaches the back of her sister's throat.

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My mates call me "polythene bag" I said "is that because I'm thin and flimsy?" They said "no, it's because you should be kept away from children"

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My mother-in-law bought a talking parrot, but she took it back a week later "This parrot hasn't said anything!" she complained. "I haven't had a fucking chance yet!" replied the parrot.

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I just saw a black guy running down the road with a Cape on I shouted, "Are you a Superhero?" He said, "No, I haven't paid for my haircut!"

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I recently made a girl squirt for the first time. It was pepper spray, but still a result.

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Apparently, North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York, which is a bit scary. If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.

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I took a girl back to my flat. "You haven't removed many bras have you?" she sighed. "What gave it away?" "The scissors, mainly."

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My wife has learning difficulties. She's a woman.

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A woman who stabbed 4 men in Covent Garden has been arrested, with Police saying she was mentally ill. So she was a Muslim?

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How many policemen does it take to push a nigger down the stairs? None he fell.

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I said to the chemist "can I have some Viagra please" He said "have you got a prescription?" I said "no, but here's a picture of my wife"

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Harry and Meghan sailed around a remote island during a secret trip to Scotland. But not quite secret enough to avoid publicity photos.

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My wife went mental last night when i shouted out somebody else's name during sex. "Who the fuck is Dave?" she asked.

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'Alpacin Caffeine shampoo, German engineering for your hair' Anyone else concerned about trusting German shower products?

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The Jodrell Bank Observatory, which can see billions of light years into space, has lost its funding and could now close. Strange how they didn't see that coming...

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I walked into work this morning and my boss told me to have good day. So I turned around, walked back out and fucked off to the pub with my mates.

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Just got back from wine- tasting in Bordeaux Must say, this year's Claret has a rather smoky finish

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During sex with the wife, I suddenly stopped and didn't move. She said, "What are you doing?" And I said " I saw this on Pornhub, it's called buffering."

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Marriage, because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.

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A sign above the door where I work says "Once you go black you never come back". You've got to have a sense of humour in the crematorium.

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My wife wanted to feel like she was on Love Island. So I invited a bunch of spastics round and blew up the inflatable paddling pool.

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My wife walked in on me fucking a girl at work up the arse. She screamed "you can't do this to me!" I said "I know, that's why I'm doing it to her! "

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I accidentally swallowed a load of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.

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My therapist told me I need to stop imagining scenarios. I don't have a therapist.

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Someone keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off. I think I'm being stalked.

1 comment

The British people who live on the Falkland Islands are an 'artificially transplanted population' Argentina's white president Javier Milei angrily declares in Spanish.

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Q. What's better than winning a world cup? A. Winning a war Fuck you Argentina

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All women are bi. It's just a matter of figuring out whether she's bipolar or bisexual.

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I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.

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It's no wonder our politicians don't prosecute or deport illegal immigrants, grooming gangs, etc. They have far more pressing matters to address, like going through a long legal process in order to cancel the execution of a woman who was hanged for murder seventy years ago.

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98 days ago I found a centipede in my garden, and I've been slowly torturing it ever since. It's on its last legs now.

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At the Library today I asked if they had any books on childbirth. The Librarian said “Try over there in the C section”.

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I finally quit drinking for good. Now, I drink FOR EVIL 😈 🍸

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My sister just announced that she's pregnant by her boyfriend, Leroy. Well I'll be a monkey's uncle!

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The suspect in the Berlin terrorist attack was shot in a allotment…do you think he was a plant

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The first thing I thought when I woke up today was, 'Thank God I'm not Iranian.' Not because of the war over there, I'm just racist.

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Some of the fucking weird shit parents say in the school WhatsApp group. “Why are you in here? You don’t even have a kid.”

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My dad’s always been fascinated by our family history, so I bought him a DNA ancestry test for his birthday. He must have thought it was a shit present. He hasn’t spoken to me since. Or Mum, oddly.

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Congratulations to Amy Winehouse. Fifteen years sober today.

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You can't fool an aborted foetus. It wasn't born yesterday.

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Dyslexic lives mattress.

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I've heard that supermarkets secretly waft the smell of their .bakery around the store to encourage you to buy bread. I can only come to the conclusion that my local paki shop is trying to sell more toilet rolls.

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Massive congratulations to Andy Burnham who today takes office as Britain's last Labour Prime Minister!

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My mate went to get a tattoo of an Indian on his back. Half way through he said, "Don't forget to put a big tomahawk in his hand." The tattooist said "For fuck sake, give us a chance mate, I've only just finished his turban!"

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I've been watching so much porn lately, I've started spitting on my front door lock before I put the key in

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Knock knock. Who's there? Doorbell repairman.

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I phoned the Alcoholic Helpline. "So," I asked, "how do you make a mojito?"

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If I could go back in time I'd kill Hitler. Right after I raped Marilyn Monroe.

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I had a goldfish that could breakdance on the carpet. Only for like 20 seconds. And only once.

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When does an Italian woman allow you to piss on her face? When her moustache is on fire.

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Jokes about incest, child abuse and suicide are not funny. My daughter died that way.

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The police stopped me last night as I was driving home. They said "have you had a drink tonight?" I said yes, 6 pints of Guinness, four whiskey chasers, and a few sambuca shots" They said "blow into this please" I said "what for, don't you believe me?"

1 comment

Simon Cowell really puts the turd in Saturday.

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I have to say, I was disappointed by the efforts made this year to mark International Women's Day. My local strip club only had a couple of foreign birds on, and frankly their tits were nothing to write home about.

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Little Johnny runs to his mum shouting "Mummy Mummy daddy has hanged himself in the basement". His breaks down in tears goes down to the basement and daddy is no where to be seen. Little Johnny starts laughing and says to her. "Gotcha..... he did it in the garage ".

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The first-aid instructor told us to practise mouth-to-mouth. I thought the five-minute struggle meant I was doing it properly. Then she pointed at the mannequin.

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Renault 5 - what's yours called? Mine's called Meghan Markle. It's black, unreliable and costs a fortune to run! (Apparently, disposing of it would lose a small fortune!)

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My grandad was tortured by the Japanese during the war. They cut his tongue out. But he never talked about it.

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Whaddaya call a woman with one leg shorter than the other? Eileen. Whaddaya call a Japanese woman with one leg shorter than the other? Irene. (credit: the school playground, yonks ago)

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A teacher says to her class, "can anyone give me a .sentence with the word dandelion in it". A little Jamaican lad puts up his hand. "Yes Desmond" says the teacher. "Da cheetah is faster dandelion miss".

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Those birthing pools are quite popular in China nowadays. They make the whole childbirth experience much more relaxed and natural, plus they're really handy if the baby turns out to be a girl.

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Teacher says to little Jonny, "There are twenty birds on a wall. The farmer shoots six of them. How many are left?" "None miss", he says "Explain?", replies the teacher "Well, he fires the gun. The noise scares them so they all fly away" The teacher is impressed and says, "That's not the right answer but I like the way you think" After the lesson, little Jonny approaches the teacher and asks her a question: "Miss, there are three women each eating an ice-lolly. One is sucking theirs, one is biting and the other one is licking - which one is married?" "Ermmm, I suppose the one who is, errr, sucking?" "No it's the one with the ring on her finger - but I like the way you think"

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A Muslim lady was denied entrance into McDonalds today until she removes her hijab. Should have gone to Burka king.

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I used to think my GP had bad handwriting. Then I fed it through Google Lens. Turns out it's in Arabic.

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I call my wife Bambi. She thinks its because she's cute with big brown eyes. Actually it's because I would like someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle.

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Air travel is the safest form of transport. Safer than driving? Yes. Safer than the train? Yes. Safer than taking a coach? Yes. Safer than riding a bicycle? Yes. Safer than walking? Yes. Alright. But you've still got to get to the fucking airport haven't you?

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I ran out of toilet paper earlier, so I had to say 'Goodbye Socks!' It was a daft name for a hamster anyway.

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I was out on the town last night and I ended up staggering about the place, bouncing off the walls and throwing up all over myself. I reckon some fucker must've spiked my 15th pint.

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I was sitting in the pub doing a Crossword when I turned to my Scottish mate and said.."I'm stuck on one.. Stranded On An Island, eight letters." "Marooned" He said. "About fucking time" I replied. "I'll have a lager."

1 comment

What does a Scouse bird use for sexual protection? A bus shelter

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As I pointed the gun at my wife’s face I said, “Any last words?” Three hours later, I shot her.

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Simply put a % sign after your age to see how dead you are.

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I walked into the book shop and said to the girl behind the counter. "I'm looking for a book by Shakespeare". "Which one?", she asked. "William you thick cunt"!

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I was chatting with an off duty police officer at a bar in New York. "I'll never forget nine eleven" he said, while staring mournfully into his whisky. "I should hope not! It's your feckin phone number!"

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You've got to hand it to Tom Cruise... Otherwise he'd never be able to reach it in the first place

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Ann Widdecombe has been murdered. I think we can safely rule out a jealous lover.

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The death penalty for terrorists is being discussed in parliament and the house of lords again. Those suicide bombers must be shitting themselves.

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My wife said she's leaving me because I'm an annoying cunt. I almost choked on my vuvuzela...

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I walked past a homeless guy in a doorway and dropped a few quid in his cup. A passerby said "you shouldn't give them money, some of them have their own homes" I said "not this one, I evicted him last week"

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It's a bit cloudy today. I should see a urologist.

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I'm a producer for the BBC. I don't work there, I just have eight kids.

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If you're ever attacked by a bear, simply lie down and play dead. It's good practice for what's coming next.

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"Grasshopper, when you can snatch the pebble from my hand, it will be time for you to lea....." "Bastard......best of three?"

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I phoned my mate to ask if he thought it's okay to wank over my ex-wife. "Sure," he said. "It's not as if she'll ever know." "She might," I replied. "I mean, she's asleep at the moment, but...." "You mean you're actually in her room?" he said, shaken. "Christ mate, she'd better not wake up!!" Great. I was already feeling guilty about the wank, now he tells me I've got to kill her as well.

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Two vultures are eating Bill Oddie. On says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

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Sixteen- and seventeen-year-olds may be given a midnight social-media curfew. Good. It’s unhealthy for them to be awake at 2am blocking me.

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Stood at the bus stop next to a man with one arm and he was wearing is watch on his stump. So being the nosy cunt I am I said "How come you don't wear your watch on your good arm"? And he replied "Well how the fuck would I be able to wind it up".

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Did you know that anal sex is still illegal in Iceland? Not sure if its the same in Tesco's so be careful.

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Still Oddie

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B. Oddie.

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Bill Body

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A ship was wrecked and the only survivor was a man and his dog . After weeks at sea, the man was starving so he killed and ate the dog. As he sat in the lifeboat staring at a pile of bones, he thought "Rover would have loved those"

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I saw a hearse today. The wreath said "Dad" They missed the e out.

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If you refuse to pay your TV licence, you can be sent to prison. Where, ironically, you'll get plenty of free BBC.

1 comment

A coffee enema is supposed to be really good for your liver. Pro tip: leave it to cool down a bit first.

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I bought some IKEA furniture yesterday. Strange… nowhere in the instructions did it say, “Tell your wife to fuck off and leave you alone.”

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