My mate died in an accident with a cement lorry. There's already a statue of him.

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It will take some effort to get the coffin lid down.

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The families of the five pikeys killed in the A66 crash have gathered at the scene of the accident, to see if there's any scrap metal still lying around.

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Congratulations to Bonnie Blue on this big milestone… First time she’s had to guide someone OUT of her minge.

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29 years on, and I can still remember where I was and what I was doing when I heard Diana was dead. I was at the all-night panel beaters in Paris, getting my white Fiat Uno fixed.

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What's the difference between a black woman from the 1800s and a black woman today.. The type of lashes they get.

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My kids are scared of flies. They always start to cry when I unzip mine.

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Of course black lives matter. A dead slave is useless.

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Has anyone looked at "Sicki" lately? All completely unfunny "jokes" about breaking wind now, it's fucking dire! Thank the lord for THIS site....

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If Adam and Eve had been Chinese... they would have eaten the snake.

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I must have really pissed off the wife when we had a go at erotic asphyxiation. She's been lying there for five days now,giving me the silent treatment.

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What's bitter, smells of onions and comes in a curry sauce? That Deliveroo driver you didn't tip.

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Definition of Obscenity: Anything that gives the judge an erection.

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My brother and his family are moving to Glasgow. Well I'll be a junkie's uncle!

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A lot of actors are really worried that in the future, they will be replaced in films by AI avatars, but many directors say that AI will never be able to do what real Hollywood stars do. I mean, how could a computer suck Harvey Weinstein's cock?

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When I was a kid my best friend was black.We used to play together all the time. Then my father sold him.

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Remember this day 29 years ago? Princess Diana was all over the radio. And the dashboard, and the glovebox...

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Cleveland Police. Tackling crime head on.

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One of the barmaids in our pub got her nipple pierced. I'm shit at darts.

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I went to lunch with a champion chess player. It took him 8 minutes to pass me the salt...

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Lindsay Clancy blaming her hormones for murdering her children is like me blaming testosterone for raping mine.

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My wife suggested I take the kids skimming down the river. The 2-yr-old went the furthest.

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I'm not saying Pakis smell bad, but I spoke to one over an hour ago and I'm still gagging. And that was on the phone.

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It must be great being a necrophiliac. You can just go straight up to someone and tell them you fancy them rotten.

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How can you tell when you are a good rapist? When she gets on top halfway through Credit, the old wiki site , in pre insect days

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Which word ends in anal? Chloroform.

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The family of the ‘Putney Pusher’ maintain he was totally innocent and was thrown under a bus by the Met police.

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Michael Owen "never ever" tells his children he loves them. That must make the sex awkward.

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I was on holiday with my Mrs, we were sat on the beach and all the other women were topless. I said "why don't you take your bikini top off?" She said "I feel self conscious" She finally did and said "how do I look?" I said "great" she said "really?" I said "yeah, it's pulled all the wrinkles out of your face "

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I came home last night and said to my wife "are you wearing knickers?" She said "no" I said "thank fuck, I thought the sofa cushion had split"

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Pervert psycho breaks into a laundry fucks 2 women and runs off. Headline. Nut screws washers and bolts

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I've just finished walking from Land's End to John O'Groats. It was either that or fly with Ryanair.

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How can you make cot death less distressing? Dress the baby in a clown's outfit.

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A black man walks into a petrol station and says, 'Give me all the money in the till, or I'll blow you away!' The cashier replies, 'But you haven't got a gun!' He says, 'Sorry, force of habit. Pump number four, please.'

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My best friend's wife died after being hit by a car. He asked me if I would say a few words at her funeral. ' Stop,Look and Listen, ' didn't go down very well.

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I met this girl in a club and she was all over me, she whispered in my ear "I want you to fuck me me really badly" She wasn't disappointed.

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Residents in Bradford who are being kept awake at night by fireworks set off by the city's Asian community have launched a petition asking the government to ban them. I signed it enthusiastically but then I realised they meant the fireworks.

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My last girlfriend dumped me when she found out what my mates used to call me in primary school. Jon Venables. (credit: Barry Martin)

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I've been trying to come up with a joke about niggers. None of them work.

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I got back to my mates flat last night after a session. In his hall he had a huge gong. "what's that?" I asked He said "it's a speaking clock" "how does it work" I asked He picked up a hammer and hit it, two seconds later a voice came through the wall and shouted "for fuck sake it's half past two in the morning!"

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25 years on, and I can still remember where I was and what I was doing when the Twin Towers collapsed. Sitting in front of the telly, making jokes about the Twin Towers collapsing.

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A young boy sat outside his house looking forlorn. A neighbour asked him "what's wrong Johnny"? Little Johnny said "the police have informed me both my parents are dead" "Oh thats terrible" said the neighbour. "Shall I fetch Father O'Neil?" "No thanks. I don't feel like sex right now"

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Two cops walk up to a group of five Pakis. "We're looking for a paedophile gang..." One of the Pakis replies "We'll do it!"

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Took the wife to Specsavers yesterday. Even they couldn't see why I married her.

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If Adam & Eve were American... They'd have been fine cos there's no way Adam would've been tempted to eat a piece of fresh fruit

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After thirty years, police have finally identified the man they believe killed Tupac Shakur, based on a memoir he wrote and numerous TV interviews in which he repeatedly boasted of being the perpetrator. Professor Jason Arday.

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The weather is very muggy today. Very appropriate for the Notting Hill Carnival.

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"What we know about the 33 British nationals missing in Nepal" They're all dead and their lungs are full of mud?

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So, come up to the lab... And see what's on the slab. Oh, it's me. RIP Frank Furter.

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If you rape someone properly, there's no need to kill them. They'll do that themselves

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Nashville have said they plan to have a statue of Dolly Parton made. It would be more appropriate to have a bust!

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The estate agent was showing me round the only flat I could afford. He said "there's the fridge and washing machine, shall we go indoors now."

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The go fund me collection for the two policemen tragically killed in Cleveland has reached over £700,000 …..and for the pikey lookalikes…. Two washing machines and old iron gate and a rusty bike with one wheel

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Joanna Wietrzyk is sponsored by Puma Pants. (Pronounced "poo ma pants)

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What Prince George can expect on his first day at Eton today. A moist digestive busicuit.

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I can't stand it when women breastfeed in public. There's always a fucking baby in the way of the action.

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Home-Ec Teacher: "Now children, how do you make olive spread?" Little Jonny: "Two bottles of Vodka and rohypnol, Miss?"

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I was walking by the railway line the other day when I noticed a bright yellow phone box by the tracks. Moving closer, I was able to read the words on the side: '24/7 Suicide Helpline' it said. Out of curiosity, I picked up the receiver and put it to my ear. "Now lay down on the tracks," said the voice on the other end.

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I accidentally walked into the ladies toilet at work. I was standing over the bowl pissing and a voice behind me said "this is for ladies only" I looked down at my cock and said "so is this, but I have to run some water through it occasionally"

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I told the woman sitting in front of me in the bus that she had semen on the back of her hair. She smiled and said, ' It's probably just shampoo. ' ' I don't ejaculate shampoo, ' I replied.

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I saw a Chinese shoplifter at work and I shouted "hey you" he shouted back "how you know my name?" Coat off the peg already

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He was so poor growing up, his Dad had to keep his Sister pregnant so they could have fresh milk.

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A sign in the window of my local corner shop says, 'This place is NOT called The Paki Shop!' Excellent! About time they were white-owned.

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Two-inch dick: "It's tiny!" she laughed. Two-inch spider: "It's enormous!" she screamed. So I've had a spider tattooed on my dick.

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My wife dresses to kill. Unfortunately she cooks the same way.

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My nickname for my cock is Prince. It's small and purple, and hasn't stood up since 2016.

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What does my cock and Israel have in common? It’s small, it fucks women and children and a total cunt is in charge of it.

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First they didn't know what a woman is. Now they don't know what a murderer is.

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Angela Rayner has pledged to end homelessness in the UK within the next three years. Labour will build more bridges for them to sleep under.

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The Labour MP for Dover has expressed his anger at large-scale masked protests at the port today. "These are not the hordes of unidentified military aged men the Labour Party wants here!" He declared.

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If Adam and Eve had been Albanian... They would have tried to sneak back into Eden in the back of a lorry

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The Lindsay Clancy case is taking so long because 3 men are trying to explain to 9 women that hormones don't excuse child murder.

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Jack and his date, Blossom were parked on a back road some distance from Newcastle, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from Newcastle: Things were getting hot and heavy when Blossom stopped Jack. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge £120 for sex." She said. Jack just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly paid her and they went on to have mind blowing sex for the next hour. After they were done and had smoked a cigarette, Jack just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" Asked Blossom "Well." Jack replied with a grin on his face. "I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a Taxi Driver and the fare back to Newcastle is £130."

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Bonnie Blue gives birth to first child. She was in labour for nearly 20 seconds.

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My wife asked me to rock our baby to sleep. All I've managed to determine so far is that he's not a big Slayer fan.

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I met this really hot girl who was into green issues and the environment in a big way. She later dumped me when she found out my erection wasn't sustainable.

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I'm so ugly I have to roofie my hand.

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All this rain on the same weekend as Manchester Pride. It's as if God hates gay people.

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Ask your wife to sit on her hand til it goes numb, before wanking you off. It'll feel like her sister's doing it.

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The best part about having schizophrenia is that a wank turns into an orgy!

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I was trying to chat up a girl in a bar. She said " I wouldn't sleep with you if you were the last man on earth" I said "if I were the last man on earth, who would stop me?"

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My pikey neighbour keeps all his cash under a mattress. Good idea, I'd never think of looking in the front garden either.

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Wayne Rooney has just finished The Joy Of Sex Joy, 100, is now recovering in intensive care

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Asylum seekers were taught how to avoid having sex with underage girls in Britain A better lesson would be how to avoid Britain.

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My favourite teacher in high school was Mr Blackwell, in Geography. One of those really laid-back, easy-going cool teachers, you know the sort. I wouldn't have swapped him for all the tea in Denmark.

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My mate asked me, "What do you spend on a bottle of wine?". "I dunno, about 20 minutes, half an hour I guess", I replied.

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I once said boo to a goose. Fuck the rules.

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How do you stop a grooming gang? Chuck em a cricket ball

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Words like 'Paki' and 'nigger' don't bother me. Just the people.

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My doctor's prescribed me some haemorrhoid cream. On the label it says, 'For External Use Only'. My neighbours aren't too chuffed.

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I tried using the online Alzheimer's support service but I can't remember my login details

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Man who was duct-taped on flight after outburst breaks his silence. He told reporters; 'Mmmmmmf! Mmmmf! Mmmmmfffff!'

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As a Muslim I remember where I was on 9/11 Sat at home wondering how my dad's first flying lesson was going. Only joking I was outside the primary school selecting my 2nd wife

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I can't wait until Bonnie Blue's kid is old enough to Google her Mother.

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Russell Howard will host a Stand-Up Gala at The O2, in support of families affected by premature birth, stillbirth and neonatal death. He's going to need some pretty sick material for that. Gentlemen, I sense a challenge.

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My wife woke up with a big smile on her face this morning. I fucking love felt tip pens.

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An abortion goes into a pub. "Plain tonic please mate, I've already had the gin."

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It's hard to describe the sadness I experience when I hear that a child has died. Or the relief if it turns out to be a black child.

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I was once charged with leaving the scene of an accident. It wasn't on purpose, I just didn't have my seatbelt on.

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A Catholic bishop and his secretary are searching for a suitable headmaster for a new Catholic school that the diocese is building. "What about Father O'Leary?" asks the bishop. "He has experience teaching a Sunday school back in the eighties." "I'm afraid not, your grace," says the secretary, checking his papers. "Several former pupils have accused Father O'Leary of molesting them and he is currently under investigation." "Damn," says the bishop. "Then what about Father McDermott? He did a lot of good work as the chaplain at that Young Offenders Institution back in the nineties." "Sadly, your grace," says the secretary, checking his papers. "Father McDermott is also being investigated after former inmates accused him of sexual abuse." "Him as well?" says the bishop. "Well what about Father O'Connell? I recall he was a wonderful choirmaster back in the early two thousands." "No, your grace," says the secretary, checking his papers. "Also under investigation. He's been accused of several historic rapes by former choirboys." "Jesus Christ!" cries the bishop. "Don't we have any priests in this diocese who aren't being accused of historic sexual abuse?" "Well there is Father Creevey, your grace," says the secretary, checking his papers. "He hasn't had a single complaint of sexual misconduct in his thirty year career." "I don't think I remember him," says the bishop. "Does he have any experience working with children?" "Oh yes, your grace," says the secretary. "He did excellent work as the resident chaplain at the children's hospice."

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It's a good job Michael Caine was up against the Zulus and not the Japanese. 'Don't shoot til you see the whites of their eyes, lads...'

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My neighbours asked if I would babysit their kids for £20 an hour. I said well they're kind of ugly, I'll only pay £15 an hour.

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Gloria Steinem will be doing the dishes for Jesus tonight!

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If Adam & Eve had been German... They'd have used the snake for auto-erotic asphyxiation and repeatedly shoved the apple up eachother's arses

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My wife rang me earlier. "Where are you?" She screamed. "I've been stuck outside this house in the rain for an hour!" "I'm having a few beers with the boys," I said. "Well I need you to come and open the door for me," she snapped. "I've forgot my key." "Calm down," I replied. "I'll send Tony through from the kitchen."

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I watched with pride as semen dribbled down my wife's chin. ' Did you enjoy that,love, ' I said. ' .....what did you say was on that sandwich? ' she mumbled.

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A dwarf psychic goes into a bookies with a sawn off and robs the place and flees. The headline reads Small medium at large

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It's really sad that Dolly didn't make it to nine-ty five. Fuck off admin, that's my best shot.

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I never could understand "the wicker man" film If that copper hadn't been such a prude, he could have fucked the arse off Britt Ekland AND not got burned to a crisp.

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Accusations that the young are a snowflake generation are wrong, the head of an independent review into mental health has told the BBC. Prof Peter Fonagy says there has been a real rise in mental distress among children and young people, with anxiety, depression, self-harm and eating disorders the most common. Yeah. That's what "snowflake" means you fucking idiot.

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Women are like bacon. Sounds good, right? Looks good. Smells good. Tastes and feels good. All the while, killing you slowly.

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Two tramps wake up one morning in their cardboard boxes. 'Hey, you wanna skip breakfast today?' 'Sure! There's usually something edible in there...'

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After a public uproar, the boss of Ryanair has apologised for comparing rival airlines to rapists. "I am so sorry for the hurt I have caused," he said. "I did not realise how deeply offensive that sort of comparison was; it was a completely spasticated thing for me to say."

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The way Feminazis are going on about Sydney Sweeney's new ad you'd think she strangled three kids or something.

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I hated Ed Sheeran before it was cool

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On holiday in Thailand,I picked up this gorgeous woman in a bar one night. She looked like a woman,walked like a woman,talked like a woman and kissed like a woman. But when she parked the car first time I just knew there was a cock and bollocks under that dress.

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Andy Burnham's father Roy has died. So now he can push the death taxes through.

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I used to put slug pellets down in my garden, until I read that hedgehogs also eat them and get poisoned. Now I put out a saucerful of beer instead. Anyway, I can't get any sleep now, as my garden is full of pissed-up slugs and hedgehogs singing and fighting all night.

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All of my Hispanic friends seem to be transitioning at once! Another night, another dago's bi

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Everyone can remember where they were on 9/11. I'll never forget it; seeing off my mates at the airport after helping pack their rucksacks with knives and Korans...

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Wanking & brain damage: After a few strokes, there's no going back.

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I was watching the TV when I shouted through to my wife in the kitchen "A cup of tea would be nice love" She replied "Why don't you stick a broom handle up my arse as well"? And it's little surprises like that are the key to a long and happy marriage.

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Complaining about all the illegal immigrants that are turning up here in the UK now??.. It's all thanks to all you cunts who never donated that £2 or £3 a month they were asking for!!

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If Adam and Eve were Arabian.... Adam would have put the snake in a basket and played the flute, and Eve's right hand would be amputated.

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If Adam and Eve had been real people, most people would be intellectually-incompetent windowlickers. Uh... hold on...

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I was home watching a film when a pole dancing scene came on. I said to my wife "you'd do really well at that " she said "that's a complement, do you really mean it?" I said yeah, you could fit about £10k in those knickers you wear"

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A bloke goes to the doctors as he's a bit uncomfortable "downstairs" The doctor has a look and says "well, you've made medical history you have three testicles" The bloke is overjoyed, he gets on the bus and says to the bloke next to him "I bet you £50 we've got five bollocks between us" The other bloke opens his flies and said "OK, here's my one, where's your four?"

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What do you get if you cross the Queen and Prince Philip? Killed in a tunnel

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Christian Rock Festival happy-clappies: 'Do you hear our prayers, Lord? If you do, just give us a sign, any sign!' God: 'There you go. Now shut the fuck up...'

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Buckingham Palace guards pay tribute to Dolly Parton with a rendition of 9 to 5. King Charles asks, "What is this 9 to 5 you speak of?"

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"Apparently Dolly Parton suffered from chronic endometriosis resulting in a hysterectomy during the 1980s....therefore she never had children" Remarked David Fuller on his sixth cigarette

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If there's baize on the table, she's past her prime.

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How would I find these death caps used by Erin Patterson? And where's the current outbreak of egg salmonella centred? The wife's just said she fancies a mushroom omelette, and it's too good a chance to miss.

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If you're thinking what I'm thinking: You are a seriously disturbed person that needs help urgently.

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Our kids have started treating the house like a hotel. They're putting bibles in the bedside tables.

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Black people invented the steel drum. Those cunts will steal anything.

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I wouldn’t bother with that Bayeux Tapestry…He dies at the end

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"...but if the waiting list is nearly two years," I said, "surely I'd be dead by then?" "Aha," smiled the consultant. "You've spotted the business model."

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Joanna Wietrrzyk rewrites history by achieving number one and number two in the same event.

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What’s a new born baby’s least favourite song? ‘Letby entertain you’.

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What are 'Range Eggs'? Why do the people who leave them in those wooden boxes outside their house always look so angry when I drive off with them, when they sign says that they are 'Free'???

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I failed my Religious Studies exam. Apparently the three holiest festivals in the Islamic calendar are not 'Eid, Ramadan and 9/11'.

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Russell Howard will host a Stand-Up Gala at The O2 in support of families affected by premature birth, stillbirth and neonatal death Surely only the addition of Rosie Jones could make this more miserable

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I only hate two things. Living things and objects.

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What's white, gets licked daily and moans louder than your constipated grandad? The local spastics bus.

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A skeleton walks into a bar, and asks for a pint of lager and a mop. Credit to very old joke.

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A bear walks into a bar and says "A pint of lager..................and a packet of crisps please". The barman says "Why the big pause?". The bear says "I had a.................stroke a few years ago."

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Duane "Keffe D" Davis convicted for the killing of Tupac Shakur. He faces at least 40 years in jail, but he's also hot favourite at the 2027 American Music Awards for Services to Music.

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I went to the restaurant and ordered the octopus the waiter said "It will take about six hours". I said "Why's that"? And he replied "The cunt keeps turning the gas off

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I read that Lance Armstrong used to date Sheryl Crow. I wonder if he liked to empty his nut on her tit?

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