I can always tell if a woman has a good sense of humour. Just by feeling her breasts.

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My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner. ....so I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

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What does paying for a sandwich and paying for a hooker have in common? Both could have been prevented if your wife was doing her job

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Princess Eugenie has given birth to a baby girl in Lisbon. Sarah Ferguson spoke to her daughter on a Facetime call shortly afterwards saying "Ooh, she's so pretty Eugenie, I can see your father in her!" Eugenie replied "Can you really?" "Yes," replied Sarah, "Probably the first time he gets to babysit!"

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A black man was given a twenty five year jail sentence at Crown Court today for something he didn't do. Wipe his fingerprints off the gun.

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My wife said she's leaving me because she's never seen me sober. Fucking hell, I got married?

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The BBC are to screen a new documentary about life in an average household in Bradford. 101 Damn Asians starts on Monday at 9pm.

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A ticket inspector banged on the door of the train toilet and said "where's your ticket?" I shouted FFS I'm having a shit! " He said" I don't believe you, pass it under the door" I said "there you go, the yellow bits are sweetcorn"

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My doctor told me that I have xenophobia. I'll bet I caught it off some Paki cunt.

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What's blue and orange, and at the bottom of a swimming pool? A kid with flat arm bands

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A customer just asked me if we sold condoms. I said we don't, but have you tried Boots? He said yes, but it dribbles out of the lace holes.

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After a prostate exam, the doctor quickly leaves and a nurse enters with a worried look. She whispers the words no man wants to hear: "Who the fuck was that guy?".

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My wife has learning difficulties. She's a woman.

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A woman who stabbed 4 men in Covent Garden has been arrested, with Police saying she was mentally ill. So she was a Muslim?

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How many policemen does it take to push a nigger down the stairs? None he fell.

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I said to the chemist "can I have some Viagra please" He said "have you got a prescription?" I said "no, but here's a picture of my wife"

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Harry and Meghan sailed around a remote island during a secret trip to Scotland. But not quite secret enough to avoid publicity photos.

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98 days ago I found a centipede in my garden, and I've been slowly torturing it ever since. It's on its last legs now.

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At the Library today I asked if they had any books on childbirth. The Librarian said “Try over there in the C section”.

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When does an Italian woman allow you to piss on her face? When her moustache is on fire.

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Jokes about incest, child abuse and suicide are not funny. My daughter died that way.

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The police stopped me last night as I was driving home. They said "have you had a drink tonight?" I said yes, 6 pints of Guinness, four whiskey chasers, and a few sambuca shots" They said "blow into this please" I said "what for, don't you believe me?"

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Simon Cowell really puts the turd in Saturday.

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I have to say, I was disappointed by the efforts made this year to mark International Women's Day. My local strip club only had a couple of foreign birds on, and frankly their tits were nothing to write home about.

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I walked past a homeless guy in a doorway and dropped a few quid in his cup. A passerby said "you shouldn't give them money, some of them have their own homes" I said "not this one, I evicted him last week"

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It's a bit cloudy today. I should see a urologist.

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I'm a producer for the BBC. I don't work there, I just have eight kids.

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If you're ever attacked by a bear, simply lie down and play dead. It's good practice for what's coming next.

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"Grasshopper, when you can snatch the pebble from my hand, it will be time for you to lea....." "Bastard......best of three?"

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I phoned my mate to ask if he thought it's okay to wank over my ex-wife. "Sure," he said. "It's not as if she'll ever know." "She might," I replied. "I mean, she's asleep at the moment, but...." "You mean you're actually in her room?" he said, shaken. "Christ mate, she'd better not wake up!!" Great. I was already feeling guilty about the wank, now he tells me I've got to kill her as well.

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I got into a lift in London, only to find there were half a dozen black youths in it. When the doors closed the one nearest the panel said, 'Yo, what button you want me to push, white boy?' I replied, 'The one with the bell on it, please.'

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Why's a 16 year old like a five pound note? They're both legal and they're both tender.

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I want my kids to have everything I never had. Unfortunately for them, I never had an abusive father.

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I was scrolling through some disgusting child abuse videos on the dark web and I thought "this is great, no ads"

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Why do niggers never play hide and seek. Because nobody would look for them.

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How do Welsh people find their sheep in very tall grass? Absolutely irresistible

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"And there's morgue"

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I saw an old mate in the pub. I said "how are things?" He said"great, my business has just floated" I said "oh, have you tried eating more fiber?"

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After years of trying I finally managed to contact my father through a psychic medium. ' Is that really you Dad? ' ' Yes,son. ' ' I'll just put your mother on. '

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My 14-year-old daughter came out of her room in a top and shorts that left little to the imagination. I said, 'And where do you think you're going dressed like that, young lady?' 'I'm going down the park with my mates, and you can't stop me!' 'The hell you are! Go to your room and take those off right now!' 'Up yours, Dad! I'm not having you tell me I can only go out if I get changed into something you approve of, you old prude!' 'I don't recall saying anything about getting changed into something else.'

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Went dogging last night,never again. When I got home my car was like a painter's radio.

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Top Ugandan footballer killed by teen muggers armed with paving stones. 'On me 'ead, son!'

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If you're ever attacked by a bear, simply lie down and play dead. If you’re not sure how to do this, here is a demonstration video of my ex-girlfriend during sex.

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Why do I have to prove who I am when paying a bill? Do random people try paying my bills, and if so, why don't you let them?

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I saw a bloke on crutches today, wearing a camouflage suit. I thought "you can hide, but you can't run"

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Butler: "Sir your daughter's just had a baby" Andrew Windsor: "Ah about time. Chip off the old block"

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Someone asked me if I've ever tried to commit suicide. I replied "Loads of times but has you can see I'm not very good at it".

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Lloyds of London once claimed to be the world's largest insurance company. The claim was later dismissed, along with all the others.

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Do you want to play Hyde and Sikh? It’s like normal hide and seek but I turn in to a monster then stab you to death with a kirpan.

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My wife said our relationship was becoming stale and boring. I nearly dropped a stitch.

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My Vietnamese neighbour's son was throwing a ball for his dog. His mum shouted at him, "How many times have I told you to stop playing with your food?"

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I take after my mother, except for the whole penis thing. I can take them or leave them, she's mad about them.

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I was looking through dating site profiles, and I found this single mother. Her profile info said, 'So you know from the start, I'm a package deal. Love me, love my kids.' That's the plan...

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Some people say that that British prisons are 'like Butlin's camps with bars' nowadays. Come on, that's got to be an exaggeration. It can't be that bad inside.

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Two cigarettes are sitting in the pub. Another cigarette walks in and sits down. The one leans over to his mate and says, "Don't mess with him. He's menthol."

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My wife said she wanted me to be more like Patrick Swayze in Ghost. It’s the reason I spend so much time online harassing Whoopi Goldberg.

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When I was young, my dad abused me really badly. The useless cunt couldn't even do that properly.

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I took this fat bird home last night but I was really struggling. Eventually I said "for fuck sake love, fart and give me a clue"

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Former Sun journalist Rod Liddle has died aged 66 after a 66-year long illness

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'It's not the size of the dog in the fight that matters, but the size of the fight in the dog.' Try telling that to my neighbour. She hasn't spoken to me since my Rottweiler jumped over the garden fence and bit her Yorkshire Terrier in half at the waist.

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When she's a hot Muslim 10... 9... 8... 7... 6...

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I wouldn't say my missus was ugly but she came second in a Megan Fox look a like competition. Diane Abbott won it.

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I like to lie on my stomach so my cock gets numb. Then it feels like I'm giving someone else a wank.

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Two boys one black one white talking. The black boy said "my daddy has a new car and when he beeps the horn it goes honk honk". The white kid says well my daddy has a new chainsaw and when he starts it up it goes run nigger nigger run nigger nigger

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Large Kebab £7.00 Your Only Fans £9.99 Why would I pay more to look at the same thing without chips and a can of coke???

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Stephen Bear jailed for breaching restraining order against Georgia Harrison. In his defence he did not harass Joan Lennon or Paula McCartney.

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My landlord turned up this morning, and started lecturing me about how I need to keep the place cleaner. I sent him away with a flea in his ear.

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How many narcoleptics does it take to change a ligh65hyuyij9iuyfgtr/dfsyt7uyjhu9ko;klo[pl;fgt5

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The right-wing press likes to make out that refugees get money thrown at them when they come to Britain. In reality, a lot of them are struggling just to keep their heads above water.

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What you call a Muslim with 2 pigs on his head? Mohammed. What you call a Muslim with 2 pigs on his head that throws away perfectly good fish? Mohammed Bin Salman

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Liverpool have signed two players who will fit in with their philosophy. Nickamoto and Robatelly Old one so Feel free to claim it

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Girl says to her Scouse boyfriend. "Why won't you let me give you a blowjob" He tells her "I don't like any jobs".

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I farted on the bus the other day, it was just like being on "the voice" four people span round and stared at me.

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Serena Williams confirms doubles date with sister Venus at the upcoming Cincinnati Open. They are the top seed in the mixed doubles.

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Princess Eugenie has given birth to a baby girl in Lisbon Mother & baby are said to be keeping the grandfather at bay with mace

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I just saw the wife trip over and drop a massive basket of clothes she just ironed I watched it all unfold

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"minimum wage" we'd love to pay you less, but aren't allowed to.

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When people ask me what I do for a living, I tell them I am a part-time gynaecologist! I wait for the doctor to go for lunch, sneak into his office and try to get through as many patients as I can in 45 minutes!

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Venison used to be a cheap meat, but now it's dead dear

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Why are Lesbos unhappy? Because you can't pronounce happiness without the penis

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I remember as a toddler in my uncle's car, he sat me on his lap to let me "drive". At least, I thought that's why he'd taken his hands off the wheel. Turned out he needed them for something else.

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A Muslim family has moved in next door. To welcome them to the neighbourhood, I'm bacon a cake for them.

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They say having sex is a bit like riding a bike. I had a lot more experience of it as a child than I do as an adult.

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How many dyslexics does it take to change a lightyear?

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'I tawt I taw a puddy tat! I did! I did taw a puddy tat!' 'No, son. That's the special school bus. It picks you up every morning, remember?'

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In 1982, Cliff Richard dated former tennis player Sue Barker. She didn't play at Wimbledon that year, but Cliff went on to seed number two in the juniors.

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I met this really fit girl in the pub last night but I had to walk away when I realised she was really childish. She said she wanted to take me home and ride me like a horse.

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I matched with a girl called Faith who said she’d heard every joke about her name. So, in my best Mike Tyson voice, I asked: “Will you let me run my ballth acroth your faith?” Apparently that was a new one.

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Say what you like about Kier Starmer but he did his bit for youth prospects For example Vladislav, 17, worked with him for 30 minutes and received £1,000. All the young man had to do was take a dump on his chest

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Child "abuse" is so subjective in my opinion For example, my Dad always gave me a wooden spoon to bite down on

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I've got a streaming service launching next week. It features the likes of the musicals composers Rogers and Hammerstein Irving Berlin Musicals such as fiddler on the roof and the jazz singer. Jew Tube launches next week

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It's.getting daft now with this ultra-PC woke bullshit - you can't even say "shortbread" You have to say, "Please stick a couple of slices in Warwick. If you can reach the toaster"

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Trump denies any knowledge of Gianni Infantino's plot to sell the World Cup. His arse must get jealous of all the shit that comes out of his mouth

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I bought a black shirt last week but I had to donate it to the African Charity shop. The cuffs kept dragging along the floor.

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I was with this girl who was very good at playing an eight stringed instrument. Her name is Amanda Lynne.

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Katie Price is a keen swimmer, she said she likes to get as many lengths in as possible.

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I saw my son messing around with a Sega Mega Drive, Blackberry and an iPod I thought here we go, he's up to his old devices again

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Gianni Infantino REFUSES to resign as FIFA president. So it's 0 - 0 and we're off to a penalty shootout.

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Process Eugenie's baby daughter definitely has her mother's eyes As well as her grandmother's nose And her grandfather's cock

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I despise going to see my GP, it really is a pain in the ass. I wish I never had to go see Dr. A. Nal

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My phone notification went off and my wife said "who's that again?" I said spam She said "what Pam from work with the big tits"

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They have done an autopsy to find out what was in the middle of Liddle.

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Jimmy Croaked it.

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Like Ash , I'm also a part time gynecologist. I'm just keeping my hand in

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Sometimes I am quite close to my girlfriend but then I become more distant. And I keep repeating that until I ejaculate.

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After getting my SIA licence I got a new job as a stationary bodyguard. Just standing there for hours. I assumed I was going to be on some kickass protection mission with some high ranking officials. Instead I'm just stood here. I mean who gives a shit about pencils, rulers, rubbers and sharpeners anyway?

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Life begins at............................ the Old Bailey

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It is terrible how much class snobbery affects the way different people are judged for doing the same things. It's classy and impressive when the ninth viscount such-and-such shows off his collection of swords and armour to the English Heritage members touring his family's ancestral castle but when I show my social worker the large collection of machetes and Bowie knives I keep in my one bedroom council flat I get referred to the Prevent programme.

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I remember when my wife was having our baby shouting, PUSH PUSH PUSH! She was wank at bump starting the car when she was pregnant

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Went to a Chinese dumpling restaurant. "We have a diet menu." "Really?" "Yes. You dim sum, you lose sum."

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"Doctor doctor my cunt is rotting!" "No Mrs Liddle please don't fret; the embalming will give it a couple of years"

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Grim Reaper "Come 'ere. There's no-more" R.I.P Jimmy Cricket

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Wife: I'm going to donate some of my clothes to the charity shop. Husband: Anybody who fits in those categorically isn't starving... .....Anyway, his funeral service is tomorrow if anyone wants to go.

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Why did Delta Goodrem perform at the Commonwealth Games closing ceremony? Because the estimate for Susan Boyle's makeup was outrageous.

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I was invited to a speed dating event by a friend. Boy did I feel silly turning up with my jaw swinging like a wrecking ball.

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The great thing about being an adult is I can sit really close to the TV, just to piss off my mother while she burns in hell. Of course the downside to being an adult is knowing there is no such place as hell.

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A blind man walks into a library and asks, 'Do you have any books on tape?' The librarian replies, 'Yes we do, but it's not a very interesting subject.'

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My experience with women is that if you have to move stuff to get to what you want, they're too fat.

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I remember reading about Larry Nassar sexually abusing all those young gymnasts. As a young girl it must be so horrible to be raped by your doctor. Unless you're Jewish.

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I went to my GP as I thought I was severely depressed. He referred me to a psychiatrist, and at length the two of us talked through everything that was going on in my mind. His diagnosis was that I don't have depression at all; just an uncommonly perceptive and realistic view of human nature, the world as it is today, and where we are headed. Later I phoned him up to thank him for his help, but I couldn't get hold of him. He's been signed off sick for the next few months. Severe depression, apparently.

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Why can't Gemma Collins play cricket? Cos she's allowed a maximum of 6 bowls in one go and lunch is only 40 minutes

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I went for an eye test and the optician said "can you read this?" I said "DZGY FRPU BGXT ALEQ" He said "hmm, it's a letter from my aunt I think she has dementia"

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Swansea City have just confirmed their new captain for next season: Ben Car-Ban-Go.

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I had no idea David Fuller got so excited about budget supermarkets He's been banging on all day about how much he wants to enter Lidl

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Going down on her and inner voice says "Fuck me lass, flaps like a dropped lasagne" but you still slurp and delve deep.

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Coffin rescued from burning 160-year-old church: a coffin containing a body prepared for a funeral service was rescued from a large fire at St Andrew's Church, Leicester. I take it that it wasn't destined for the crematorium, then?

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My wife said my jokes were laboured and lazy. “Well, I’ll get my coat then, shall I?”

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So today started good, then I said to wife "I am thinking of getting...." Woke up in A&E with a kitchen knife in my head!

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A dear old lady knocked on the door and ever so politely asked if there was something I could do about my dog's howling when she's on heat so I told the bitch to shut up and get the fuck off my property before I set my dog on her.

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I don't mean to brag, but I suffered from 'Black Fatigue' BEFORE it was cool 😎

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A manhunt has been launched by police after serial child-rapist Cliff Lyons Dobbie escaped from custody in Perth. Officials have said that the violent paedophile was accidently freed after a prison officer was tricked into giving him a sock.

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As I was dancing next to this girl, I moved her closer to me and said, "Can you smell my Brut?" She said, "No but I can feel it"

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Children who join TikTok and Instagram at 11 are 'six months behind' at school by their GCSE years. What a load of shit. I started TicTok at 8 and I love Trump.

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If you're a man who thinks he's a woman, you might have Chomosomes

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Bit green, bit red tar sat at a bar. Green say an I have two pints, as barman says nah dont like yer red mate! You better watch out he's a cyclepath

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Katie Price is forever hungry for media attention. She likes as many column inches as she can get.

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A-Hahahahahahahahahaha

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