A man walks into a pub and ordered 10 whiskeys. "What's the matter?", asked the barman. "I've just found out my brother's gay and he's marrying my best friend", replied the man. The next day the same bloke comes in and orders 12 whiskeys. "What's the matter this time?", he asked. "I've just found out that my son's gay as well", replied the man. The very next day he goes back to the same pub and orders 15 whiskeys. "Blimey", said the barman, "doesn't anybody in your family like women?". And with tears in his eyes he replied, "Apparently my wife does"...

0 comments

I walked in on my grandma sucking my grandad's cock. I said "That's disgusting, why wasn’t it cremated with the rest of him."

0 comments

If you ever need proof that women are terrible just remember there was once a guy who shot himself after 5 minutes of marriage. RIP Adolf.

3 comments

What do you get if you cross a fat homosexual and a paranoid schizophrenic? Shot in the Blind Beggar Pub.

0 comments

My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl. I said, "to be honest I didn't know he played cricket..."

0 comments

Muslim terrorists commonly use car bombs,nail bombs and pipe bombs. But I bet you will never see the fuckers with a bath bomb.

1 comment

On holiday in Paris, I joined in the riots and looted myself an 85-inch telly. Some would say that makes me a common thief, but I prefer to see the bigger picture.

0 comments

The family of the man who jumped into the tiger enclosure have asked the press to leave them alone at the moment…. As it’s still a bit roar

0 comments

I had my first gig as a stand up comedian last night at a nursing home. They didn't get any of the jokes but they pissed themselves anyway...

0 comments

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet. The Black Labrador asked the yellow Labrador "So why are you here?" The yellow Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed." The black Lab said, "So what's the vet going to do? " "Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the yellow Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down." "And why are you here?" the Yellow Lab asked the Black. The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch." "So what are they going to do to you?" the Yellow Lab inquired. "Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said. The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here? "I'm a humper,"said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat,a pillow, the table, and fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. "Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her feet, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away." The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance. "So, its nuts off for you too, huh?" The Great Dane said, "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped! "

1 comment

My neighbours 12 year old daughter asked me round to help with a computer problem. "Mum and Dad are at work," she explained, "and I'm trying to install this software. But it keeps saying I need to disable my Virgin Security." "If your parents are out," I said, unbuckling my belt, "then you've already done that.

0 comments

Remember, if you don't sin... Jesus died for nothing.

0 comments

How many beads and of what colour should we offer as reparations?

0 comments

I phoned the local council, and asked what precautions they had in place against a Dalek invasion. They told me steps have been put in place.

1 comment

'...During a wedding service in Glasgow I whispered to the guy next to me, "Isn't the bride a right ugly munter?" "Do you mind? That's my daughter you're talking about." "I'm sorry. I didn't know you were her father." "I'm not! I'm her fucking mother!!"

1 comment

My dog's behaviour is odd. He frequently kills birds and then buries them in the back garden. He's a Fred Westie.

1 comment

This year's autoerotic asphyxiation convention is in Las Vegas and I was worried I wouldn't be able to afford the trip. But I tightened my belt and came anyway

0 comments

I was shocked to find that my head was getting smaller. Then I discovered I was using a potato peeler instead of a comb.

1 comment

One of the guys I work with is a dwarf,and last week he got promoted to be assistant manager. Fucking hell,I thought,as if his head isn't big enough already.

0 comments

I became sexually active at 11. It's now 11:45 and my wrist is starting to hurt.

0 comments

When I was a kid my dad told me "I'm fucking sick of getting socks for my birthday!" "You ungrateful bastard!" I replied. "It's the thought that counts!" I could tell from the look in his eyes he'd have kicked my head in. If he had legs.

0 comments

It's my black stepson's birthday tomorrow. I've left an extra £20 in my jacket pocket for him.

0 comments

Officials have stated that that Siberian tiger will not be euthanized for eating that thick cunt who climbed into his cage. The decision was made on conservationist principles given that the world's population of Siberian tigers is thought to be as low as five hundred whereas the world's population of thick cunts is worryingly high.

0 comments

"Grandma, what happened to Grandad?" Grandma sighed, and Grandma smiled. "He had a heart attack when we were making love". "At your age?", Katie gasped. "We only did it when the church bells rang. In with the ding and out with the dong". She wiped away a tear and said, "He'd still be alive.....if that bloody ice cream truck hadn't gone past"....

0 comments

A local theater is getting backlash for not having enough disabled seats. To be fair, I thought they brought their own.

0 comments

My wife just turned to me and said, "I was talking to you and you yawned six times. Am I boring you?". "Those weren't yawns, they were six unsuccessful attempts to speak", I replied.

1 comment

The first rule of deaf club nyou nu not nalk amount nef glub

0 comments

I was choosing a suicide clinic the other day. I thought Dignitas looked pretty reliable but I thought I'd check the reviews to be sure. Looks good so far: there aren't any.

0 comments

A famous man has lost his bid for a High Court injunction to prevent the publication of sexual misconduct allegations against him – but he cannot yet be named as he can take the case to the Court of Appeal. I wanted to name him in this joke, but my computer says no.

1 comment

There are so many niggers working in my local McDonalds they should call it Trevor McDonalds

0 comments

I had to buy a new bed cos me and my girlfriend broke it with all the shagging. Just kidding, the truth is she broke it jumping on it. You know what kids are like.

0 comments

I was having breakfast in my Spanish hotel when I heard there had been a massive train crash in Urda. I asked the waiter if he knew anything about it. He knew nothing. He was from Barcelona.

0 comments

I bought a sweater but it was picking up static electricity, so I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge...

0 comments

Saw the family across the road dressed as skeletons and thought they were having an early Halloween party. Then I remembered they were vegans.

0 comments

Government are advising Man Utd to stock up on three days supply of managers.

0 comments

I don't understand why Americans are opposed to the metric system. They've been using 9mm in schools for years.

0 comments

Dad: "Son, I've got to tell you something. You were adopted". Son: "I knew it. Well I want to see my biological parents". Dad: "We ARE your biological parents. Your new parents are picking you up in half an hour"...

0 comments

A farmer bought a young rooster to replace his old one. As soon as it arrived it shagged every chicken. After lunch he did it again! The next day it did all the ducks before moving on to the geese the following day. Eventually the farmer finds the rooster flat out and with several vultures circling overhead. "Can't say you didn't earn it you crazy little bastard", said the farmer. The rooster opened one eye and whispered, "Shh, they're about to land"...

0 comments

My wife thinks I'm a nosey bastard. I just wish she'd say it to my face instead of writing it in her diary...

0 comments

Did you hear about the flid porn star? He had an arm like a baby's cock.

0 comments

I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off...

0 comments

When picking your own magic mushrooms, take care to identify them accurately. If you eat some types of mushroom, you get to see God. If you eat some other types, you get to meet him.

0 comments

Mum who died trying to save sons was a hero, husband says. No, to be a hero you have to actually succeed.

2 comments

'Human tissue' found in Rochdale street as police search for woman who recently gave birth. Been around the world and I, I, I, I can't find my baby...

4 comments

'...When I was a boy, My mum would send me down the corner shop with a £1... And I'd come back with a bag of potatoes, a loaf of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a block of cheese, a packet of tea and 6 eggs. You can't do that today.... Too many security cameras.'

0 comments

Apparently Netflix are making a documentary about Isaac Newton and the actor will be black. I hope they change the apple to a banana .

0 comments

A man at a funeral asks the priest, "Have you got the WiFi password?". The priest stares at him and says, "Good God man have some decency. This is your mother's funeral". "Is that all lower case?", the man replied...

1 comment

Just saw someone post, "You can't beat a Chinese." Well yeah, obviously. That would be a racially aggravated assault.

0 comments

My wife told me the cat had to be chipped. Well I only had a 9 iron but I still got it over the shed...

0 comments

My wife told me I was a selfish lover I almost choked on my own cock

0 comments

What's the easiest way to become a small business owner in the UK? Buy a big business and wait...........

0 comments

Some mornings I wake up grumpy. Other mornings I leave her asleep.

0 comments

My teenage son came home last week and said, 'Dad, there's something I have to tell you. I've been trying for years to come to terms with it, but the fact is I'm gay.' That must have taken some courage to say. I wonder how he's coming to terms with being homeless?

0 comments

Russian release plague I'm not worried. A good toothpaste will fix that

1 comment

There once was an inmate called Brand, Whose arsehole just would not expand. Then a helpful black bloke, gave his starfish a poke, And got both fists beyond Brand's prostate gland.

0 comments

I bought a second-hand suit from a magician. Reached for my CV during a job interview and pulled out a fucking pigeon.

0 comments

Two Irishmen in a bar. The barman walks up to them and says youre not allowed to eat your own food in here. So they swapped sandwiches.

0 comments

My girlfriend accused me of having an affair with a woman from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerwchllyndrobwllllandysiliogogogoch. I said, "How can you say such a thing?!"

0 comments

Apparently in Islam, the ultimate sin is to draw the prophet Mohammad. ​Of course, marrying a 12-year-old is perfectly fine. As long as she doesn't bring her crayons.

0 comments

"Less dad jokes, more gallows humour" Well, you'll be happy to hear my dad hanged himself

0 comments

Donald Trump must be shitting himself right now. And then there's the midterms coming up next week, too.

0 comments

What do gay blokes and bungee jumpers have in common..? If the rubber breaks they're both in deep shit...

0 comments

Dear Alanis Morissette, Richard Baines, the long-serving curator of Logan Botanic Garden, died during Storm Boelo. He was hit by a falling tree. THAT's ironic. Regards, Ian

0 comments

I have never had much luck with sex. The nearest I got to a threesome was on the number 5 bus last week. I was masturbating next to a woman who was breastfeeding her baby.

0 comments

I lost my job just because I bagged up a few spare bits of offal for my dogs. "Loads of butchers do it!" I protested to the tribunal. "It was only the bits we were going to throw out anyway!" But the bastards still took my medical licence.

0 comments

A guy from Norfolk is in court for bestiality. Judge: can you explain what happened. Defendant: well, my wife and sister was away on holiday. Judge: were. Defendant: no. Was.

0 comments

A chef has been arrested after Mick jagger and Keith Richards chocked on his chicken drumsticks. He told the police he was trying to kill two stones with one bird.

0 comments

I can't believe it's the second anniversary of Liam Payne's death. Those two years went faster than a poof off a balcony.

0 comments

Eleven years ago today my friend came out running and shouting, "It's a boy!!", with tears streaming down his face..... We never went back to Thailand after that...

0 comments

In the NEWS: Half of Britons unwilling to fight for UK in the event of war! The other half are not illegal migrants.

0 comments

I bought 2 pints of milk in Aldi today. It was an impulse buy. I only went in for an angle grinder, a wetsuit, and a 40 foot telescopic ladder...

0 comments

Three men are captured by female savages and told their private parts would be removed in a manner appropriate to their jobs. The first was a lumberjack, so his was chopped off. The second one was a butcher, so his was sliced off. The third man started laughing and the female savages asked what was so funny and he replied, "I'm a Hoover salesman"...

0 comments

I just heard an old black joke on the radio. Mel B.

0 comments

A couple of cows were smoking a joint and playing cards. That's right, the steaks were getting high...

2 comments

Man dies after jumping into tiger enclosure at Yorkshire zoo in an apparent prank gone wrong. That's neat, that's neat, that's neat, that's neat, you're gonna end up tiger meat...

1 comment

Modern technology is great, it makes our lives so much easier. For instance; my alarm clock tells me when it's time to get up, the bell on my microwave tells me when my dinner's ready, and the table lamp in my bedroom tells me to go out at night and strangle prostitutes for Jesus. (Credit: Viz Letterbocks, back in the day)

0 comments

Optimism is the prolonged denial of reality.

2 comments

What's hairy and goes "Ow!!" ? Russell Brand picking up the soap

0 comments

My mate Iain has one eye bigger than the other.

0 comments

Should Britain make reparations for slavery? Well, we never should have got involved in such a sordid enterprise in the first place. All those slaves should have been emancipated and sent back home to Africa. So I propose we do the next best thing, and send all their descendants back.

0 comments

The closest I’ve ever come to a threesome is a three-bird roast at Christmas... and to be honest, even that was a bit dry.

0 comments

It's hard to agree with Admins request for more gallows humour. When what we really need here is an increase in racism.

0 comments

I remember trying to impress a girl by putting my foot down on the pedal. But it turns out she's seen a bin open that way before.

0 comments

Those people at the suppository helpline are very rude aren't they?

0 comments

David Fuller is about to go where no man has gone before

1 comment

X- man

0 comments

John Healey has used his October budget to give the 'little people' something back to make life more comfortable. In his mind, I'm sure that he imagines elderly grannies being able to turn their thermostats up a little, young mothers being able to give their kids a better diet . . . My guess is that Wetherspoons, Castle Bingo and tattoo parlours everywhere are going to be particularly busy in the coming months!

0 comments

Can anyone help? I'm trying out a new recipe and need a guinea pig. Or a couple of squirrels would do at a pinch.

0 comments

Signs suggest Thomas Markle Sr may be ‘sex offender of the grossest kind’, says Philippine minister. Well, he did impregnate a darkie...

1 comment

Ridiculous. Yet another joke refusal from McVitie's for their Penguin bars. ​My submission: ​Q: What's black and white and red all over? A: A penguin halfway through a leopard seal's feeding frenzy.

0 comments

How do you tame an Islamist dog? Muslim

0 comments

We had a ton of leftover food after our party and wanted to give it to the homeless. But we didn't know their address, so we just threw it in the bin.

0 comments

When I was a boy my mum would give me £1...and I'd come back with a black eye & fuck all cos we grew up in Brixton

0 comments

What’s the biggest lie you’ve ever told? I’ll go first: ​"Babe, I was only googling massage parlours that offer happy endings so I’d know which ones to avoid."

1 comment

I took my son for his first pint of beer but, he didn't like it, so I drank it. He then tried vodka, brandy, gin, and champagne but he didn't like any of them. I ended up drinking them all. By the time we tried whisky I could hardly push the pram.

0 comments

Following an amputation, my neighbour Leroy only has one hand. He's dealing with it.

0 comments

'...The Pope has had surgery for lung cancer. I guess he had too many fags.'

0 comments

Got sacked from my job at the garden centre this morning. The boss brought a customer over and said, "He wants decking"...

0 comments

An artist asked the gallery owner if there'd been any interest in his artwork which was currently on display. "I've got good news and bad news", the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would he bought all 15 of your paintings" "That's awesome news", the artist exclaimed, "what's the bad news?". With concern the gallery owner answered, "The guy was your doctor"...

0 comments

A woman who had been raped was being interviewed by the Police. ' Can you describe what happened to you please madam,' said the officer. ' Well,it was like being in a hundred meter race,' replied the woman, 'there were five niggers and a gun.'

0 comments