My mate died in an accident with a cement lorry. There's already a statue of him.

0 comments

It will take some effort to get the coffin lid down.

0 comments

The families of the five pikeys killed in the A66 crash have gathered at the scene of the accident, to see if there's any scrap metal still lying around.

0 comments

Congratulations to Bonnie Blue on this big milestone… First time she’s had to guide someone OUT of her minge.

0 comments

29 years on, and I can still remember where I was and what I was doing when I heard Diana was dead. I was at the all-night panel beaters in Paris, getting my white Fiat Uno fixed.

0 comments

What's the difference between a black woman from the 1800s and a black woman today.. The type of lashes they get.

0 comments

My kids are scared of flies. They always start to cry when I unzip mine.

0 comments

Of course black lives matter. A dead slave is useless.

0 comments

If Adam and Eve had been Chinese... they would have eaten the snake.

0 comments

I must have really pissed off the wife when we had a go at erotic asphyxiation. She's been lying there for five days now,giving me the silent treatment.

0 comments

What's bitter, smells of onions and comes in a curry sauce? That Deliveroo driver you didn't tip.

0 comments

What's better than 2 dead coppers? 5 dead pikeys.

1 comment

Definition of Obscenity: Anything that gives the judge an erection.

0 comments

My brother and his family are moving to Glasgow. Well I'll be a junkie's uncle!

0 comments

A lot of actors are really worried that in the future, they will be replaced in films by AI avatars, but many directors say that AI will never be able to do what real Hollywood stars do. I mean, how could a computer suck Harvey Weinstein's cock?

0 comments

When I was a kid my best friend was black.We used to play together all the time. Then my father sold him.

0 comments

Remember this day 29 years ago? Princess Diana was all over the radio. And the dashboard, and the glovebox...

0 comments

Cleveland Police. Tackling crime head on.

0 comments

I work for an organization that hands out clothes to the poor and disadvantaged. Primark

0 comments

One of the barmaids in our pub got her nipple pierced. I'm shit at darts.

0 comments

I went to lunch with a champion chess player. It took him 8 minutes to pass me the salt...

0 comments

Lindsay Clancy blaming her hormones for murdering her children is like me blaming testosterone for raping mine.

0 comments

My wife suggested I take the kids skimming down the river. The 2-yr-old went the furthest.

0 comments

I'm not saying Pakis smell bad, but I spoke to one over an hour ago and I'm still gagging. And that was on the phone.

0 comments

It must be great being a necrophiliac. You can just go straight up to someone and tell them you fancy them rotten.

0 comments

How can you tell when you are a good rapist? When she gets on top halfway through Credit, the old wiki site , in pre insect days

0 comments

Which word ends in anal? Chloroform.

3 comments

The family of the ‘Putney Pusher’ maintain he was totally innocent and was thrown under a bus by the Met police.

0 comments

Michael Owen "never ever" tells his children he loves them. That must make the sex awkward.

0 comments

I was on holiday with my Mrs, we were sat on the beach and all the other women were topless. I said "why don't you take your bikini top off?" She said "I feel self conscious" She finally did and said "how do I look?" I said "great" she said "really?" I said "yeah, it's pulled all the wrinkles out of your face "

0 comments

I came home last night and said to my wife "are you wearing knickers?" She said "no" I said "thank fuck, I thought the sofa cushion had split"

0 comments

Pervert psycho breaks into a laundry fucks 2 women and runs off. Headline. Nut screws washers and bolts

0 comments

I've just finished walking from Land's End to John O'Groats. It was either that or fly with Ryanair.

0 comments

How can you make cot death less distressing? Dress the baby in a clown's outfit.

0 comments

A black man walks into a petrol station and says, 'Give me all the money in the till, or I'll blow you away!' The cashier replies, 'But you haven't got a gun!' He says, 'Sorry, force of habit. Pump number four, please.'

0 comments

My best friend's wife died after being hit by a car. He asked me if I would say a few words at her funeral. ' Stop,Look and Listen, ' didn't go down very well.

0 comments

I met this girl in a club and she was all over me, she whispered in my ear "I want you to fuck me me really badly" She wasn't disappointed.

0 comments

Residents in Bradford who are being kept awake at night by fireworks set off by the city's Asian community have launched a petition asking the government to ban them. I signed it enthusiastically but then I realised they meant the fireworks.

0 comments

My last girlfriend dumped me when she found out what my mates used to call me in primary school. Jon Venables. (credit: Barry Martin)

0 comments

I've been trying to come up with a joke about niggers. None of them work.

0 comments

I got back to my mates flat last night after a session. In his hall he had a huge gong. "what's that?" I asked He said "it's a speaking clock" "how does it work" I asked He picked up a hammer and hit it, two seconds later a voice came through the wall and shouted "for fuck sake it's half past two in the morning!"

2 comments

25 years on, and I can still remember where I was and what I was doing when the Twin Towers collapsed. Sitting in front of the telly, making jokes about the Twin Towers collapsing.

0 comments

A young boy sat outside his house looking forlorn. A neighbour asked him "what's wrong Johnny"? Little Johnny said "the police have informed me both my parents are dead" "Oh thats terrible" said the neighbour. "Shall I fetch Father O'Neil?" "No thanks. I don't feel like sex right now"

0 comments

Two cops walk up to a group of five Pakis. "We're looking for a paedophile gang..." One of the Pakis replies "We'll do it!"

0 comments

Took the wife to Specsavers yesterday. Even they couldn't see why I married her.

0 comments

If Adam & Eve were American... They'd have been fine cos there's no way Adam would've been tempted to eat a piece of fresh fruit

0 comments

After thirty years, police have finally identified the man they believe killed Tupac Shakur, based on a memoir he wrote and numerous TV interviews in which he repeatedly boasted of being the perpetrator. Professor Jason Arday.

0 comments

The weather is very muggy today. Very appropriate for the Notting Hill Carnival.

0 comments

"What we know about the 33 British nationals missing in Nepal" They're all dead and their lungs are full of mud?

0 comments

So, come up to the lab... And see what's on the slab. Oh, it's me. RIP Frank Furter.

0 comments

If you rape someone properly, there's no need to kill them. They'll do that themselves

0 comments

Nashville have said they plan to have a statue of Dolly Parton made. It would be more appropriate to have a bust!

0 comments

The estate agent was showing me round the only flat I could afford. He said "there's the fridge and washing machine, shall we go indoors now."

0 comments

The go fund me collection for the two policemen tragically killed in Cleveland has reached over £700,000 …..and for the pikey lookalikes…. Two washing machines and old iron gate and a rusty bike with one wheel

0 comments

Every week, hundreds of sex offenders have go to the police station. To start work.

0 comments

Joanna Wietrzyk is sponsored by Puma Pants. (Pronounced "poo ma pants)

0 comments

What Prince George can expect on his first day at Eton today. A moist digestive busicuit.

2 comments

I can't stand it when women breastfeed in public. There's always a fucking baby in the way of the action.

0 comments

Home-Ec Teacher: "Now children, how do you make olive spread?" Little Jonny: "Two bottles of Vodka and rohypnol, Miss?"

2 comments

I was walking by the railway line the other day when I noticed a bright yellow phone box by the tracks. Moving closer, I was able to read the words on the side: '24/7 Suicide Helpline' it said. Out of curiosity, I picked up the receiver and put it to my ear. "Now lay down on the tracks," said the voice on the other end.

0 comments

I accidentally walked into the ladies toilet at work. I was standing over the bowl pissing and a voice behind me said "this is for ladies only" I looked down at my cock and said "so is this, but I have to run some water through it occasionally"

0 comments

I told the woman sitting in front of me in the bus that she had semen on the back of her hair. She smiled and said, ' It's probably just shampoo. ' ' I don't ejaculate shampoo, ' I replied.

0 comments

I saw a Chinese shoplifter at work and I shouted "hey you" he shouted back "how you know my name?" Coat off the peg already

0 comments

Loving the tributes to "King Kev" Keegan at St James' Park today. That's what I like to see, KKK flags everywhere.

1 comment

A sign in the window of my local corner shop says, 'This place is NOT called The Paki Shop!' Excellent! About time they were white-owned.

0 comments

Two-inch dick: "It's tiny!" she laughed. Two-inch spider: "It's enormous!" she screamed. So I've had a spider tattooed on my dick.

0 comments

My wife dresses to kill. Unfortunately she cooks the same way.

0 comments

My nickname for my cock is Prince. It's small and purple, and hasn't stood up since 2016.

0 comments

What does my cock and Israel have in common? It’s small, it fucks women and children and a total cunt is in charge of it.

1 comment

First they didn't know what a woman is. Now they don't know what a murderer is.

0 comments

Angela Rayner has pledged to end homelessness in the UK within the next three years. Labour will build more bridges for them to sleep under.

0 comments

The Labour MP for Dover has expressed his anger at large-scale masked protests at the port today. "These are not the hordes of unidentified military aged men the Labour Party wants here!" He declared.

0 comments

If Adam and Eve had been Albanian... They would have tried to sneak back into Eden in the back of a lorry

0 comments

The Lindsay Clancy case is taking so long because 3 men are trying to explain to 9 women that hormones don't excuse child murder.

2 comments

Jack and his date, Blossom were parked on a back road some distance from Newcastle, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from Newcastle: Things were getting hot and heavy when Blossom stopped Jack. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge £120 for sex." She said. Jack just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly paid her and they went on to have mind blowing sex for the next hour. After they were done and had smoked a cigarette, Jack just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" Asked Blossom "Well." Jack replied with a grin on his face. "I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a Taxi Driver and the fare back to Newcastle is £130."

0 comments

Bonnie Blue gives birth to first child. She was in labour for nearly 20 seconds.

3 comments

My wife asked me to rock our baby to sleep. All I've managed to determine so far is that he's not a big Slayer fan.

0 comments

I met this really hot girl who was into green issues and the environment in a big way. She later dumped me when she found out my erection wasn't sustainable.

0 comments

I'm so ugly I have to roofie my hand.

0 comments

All this rain on the same weekend as Manchester Pride. It's as if God hates gay people.

0 comments

Ask your wife to sit on her hand til it goes numb, before wanking you off. It'll feel like her sister's doing it.

0 comments

The best part about having schizophrenia is that a wank turns into an orgy!

0 comments

I was trying to chat up a girl in a bar. She said " I wouldn't sleep with you if you were the last man on earth" I said "if I were the last man on earth, who would stop me?"

0 comments

My pikey neighbour keeps all his cash under a mattress. Good idea, I'd never think of looking in the front garden either.

0 comments

He was so poor growing up, his Dad had to keep his Sister pregnant so they could have fresh milk.

0 comments

My favourite teacher in high school was Mr Blackwell, in Geography. One of those really laid-back, easy-going cool teachers, you know the sort. I wouldn't have swapped him for all the tea in Denmark.

1 comment

My mate asked me, "What do you spend on a bottle of wine?". "I dunno, about 20 minutes, half an hour I guess", I replied.

0 comments

How do you stop a grooming gang? Chuck em a cricket ball

2 comments

Words like 'Paki' and 'nigger' don't bother me. Just the people.

0 comments

My doctor's prescribed me some haemorrhoid cream. On the label it says, 'For External Use Only'. My neighbours aren't too chuffed.

0 comments

I tried using the online Alzheimer's support service but I can't remember my login details

0 comments

Man who was duct-taped on flight after outburst breaks his silence. He told reporters; 'Mmmmmmf! Mmmmf! Mmmmmfffff!'

1 comment

As a Muslim I remember where I was on 9/11 Sat at home wondering how my dad's first flying lesson was going. Only joking I was outside the primary school selecting my 2nd wife

0 comments

I can't wait until Bonnie Blue's kid is old enough to Google her Mother.

1 comment

Russell Howard will host a Stand-Up Gala at The O2, in support of families affected by premature birth, stillbirth and neonatal death. He's going to need some pretty sick material for that. Gentlemen, I sense a challenge.

0 comments

My wife woke up with a big smile on her face this morning. I fucking love felt tip pens.

2 comments

An abortion goes into a pub. "Plain tonic please mate, I've already had the gin."

0 comments

It's hard to describe the sadness I experience when I hear that a child has died. Or the relief if it turns out to be a black child.

0 comments

I was once charged with leaving the scene of an accident. It wasn't on purpose, I just didn't have my seatbelt on.

1 comment

A Catholic bishop and his secretary are searching for a suitable headmaster for a new Catholic school that the diocese is building. "What about Father O'Leary?" asks the bishop. "He has experience teaching a Sunday school back in the eighties." "I'm afraid not, your grace," says the secretary, checking his papers. "Several former pupils have accused Father O'Leary of molesting them and he is currently under investigation." "Damn," says the bishop. "Then what about Father McDermott? He did a lot of good work as the chaplain at that Young Offenders Institution back in the nineties." "Sadly, your grace," says the secretary, checking his papers. "Father McDermott is also being investigated after former inmates accused him of sexual abuse." "Him as well?" says the bishop. "Well what about Father O'Connell? I recall he was a wonderful choirmaster back in the early two thousands." "No, your grace," says the secretary, checking his papers. "Also under investigation. He's been accused of several historic rapes by former choirboys." "Jesus Christ!" cries the bishop. "Don't we have any priests in this diocese who aren't being accused of historic sexual abuse?" "Well there is Father Creevey, your grace," says the secretary, checking his papers. "He hasn't had a single complaint of sexual misconduct in his thirty year career." "I don't think I remember him," says the bishop. "Does he have any experience working with children?" "Oh yes, your grace," says the secretary. "He did excellent work as the resident chaplain at the children's hospice."

0 comments