I dropped an egg onto a concrete floor and it didn't even crack. That's because concrete is really hard.

0 comments

Not sure why everyone is so upset about RJ Mitte... He's a terrible actor, all he did in Breaking Bad was mumble his lines.

0 comments

A couple of cows were smoking a joint and playing cards. That's right, the steaks were getting high...

0 comments

Billionaire Michael Dell hits out at trolls who mocked his wife Susan's looks during White House appearance. I would find it hard to saddle her up.

0 comments

I got mugged in an alleyway last night. As I was laid flat out and barely conscious,the bastard poured soy sauce over me. Talk about Kikkoman while he's down!

0 comments

An old couple are sitting on the porch: "Do you remember when you used to hold my hand?", she asked. He reached over and took her hand. "Do you remember when you used to kiss me ", she asked. He leaned over and gently kissed her cheek. "And do you remember when you used to nibble my ear?". At this the old boy gets up and begins to shuffle back into the house. "Where are you going?", exclaimed the woman. He replied, "To get my teeth"!!

0 comments

The whole world is watching the Russell Brand trial, especially in South Korea where he shares his name with a mild & uninteresting restaurant dish

0 comments

What do you call a black kid with a shovel? About two hundred quid

0 comments

My wife told me the cat had to be chipped. Well I only had a 9 iron but I still got it over the shed...

0 comments

The Secret Death of RJ Mitte

0 comments

Feminism used to be about "Kill all men!" Now feminism is about "Kill all babies!"

0 comments

"You got yourself up there, you can get your self down". My dad was a wonderful father, but a terrible air traffic controller.

0 comments

Statistically 1 in every 6 people find Russian Roulette mind blowing.

0 comments

Of course Muslims assimilate. They just assimilate the country into their culture.

0 comments

I just read a tragic article about the recent tiger attack. It said he had severe learning disabilities... I honestly didn't even know tigers suffered from that.

0 comments

Chap with a bad stutter goes for job as salesman in department store. “Are you any good?” Asks the manager! “I am ttttthe beeeessst ssssssalesmmmman ever!” So sends him off to rough area with wheelbarrow full of bibles, thinking he never sell them! He’s back in 2 hours. “Sssssoold oooout!” He declares to the astounded manager! He gives him another barrow load, sends him to rougher area! Again 2 hours later he back. “Ssssssoolld out again!” “How did you manage that?” Asks the manager. “Jjjjjust aaask ssshhoppers if tttthey wwwant tttto bbbuy a bbbbible, or sssshhould I rread it to ttthem!”

0 comments

Donald Trump has blamed Norway for his failure to win the 2026 Nobel Peace Prize, writing on Truth Social that the outcome was 'an indelible stain on Norway, one that will never be forgotten'. He added: 'For fuck's sake, how many schools full of Iranian girls do I have to blow up to get a mention?'

1 comment

Hackers target fridges in French supermarkets in ‘unprecedented’ cyberattack to spoil food. You can't 'spoil' French food, it's already fucking gross.

0 comments

I've just been called homophobic and I can't understand why. I love my home, it's the gay neighbours I can't stand.

0 comments

Saudi Arabia's terrified Crown Prince MBS is moving between guarded palaces as Houthi attacks intensify. No wonder he's scared; their weapon of choice is a bone saw.

0 comments

My wife told me I was a selfish lover I almost choked on my own cock

0 comments

What's the easiest way to become a small business owner in the UK? Buy a big business and wait...........

0 comments

Some mornings I wake up grumpy. Other mornings I leave her asleep.

0 comments

My wife asked me, "We've been married 20 years. Honestly how old do I look?" "By your hair I'd say 27, by your skin I'd say 24, and by your figure I'd say 20", I replied. "That's a lovely thing to say", she said. "Hold on, I haven't finished adding them up yet", I replied...

0 comments

A Muslim was sat next to me on a plane. I asked the stewardess to bring me a gin. She politely asked the Muslim if he'd like something to drink. "I'd rather have a dozen whores than have one drop of alcohol touch my lips", he responded in disgust. I handed the stewardess my drink back and said, "Actually I'll have what he's having. I didn't know we had a choice"...

0 comments

A sheepdog returns to the farmer and said, "I've got your 70 sheep back in the east pen". "What?", exclaimed the farmer, "I've got 67 sheep, not 70". "I know", replied the sheepdog, "I rounded them up"...

0 comments

The boss was complaining during the staff meeting that he wasn't getting any respect from his employees. The following day he bought a sign that read, "I'm the boss". He then taped it to his door. Later that day when he returned from lunch he found that someone had taped a note to it that said, "Your wife called, she wants her sign back"...

0 comments

A farmer bought a young rooster to replace his old one. As soon as it arrived it shagged every chicken. After lunch he did it again! The next day it did all the ducks before moving on to the geese the following day. Eventually the farmer finds the rooster flat out and with several vultures circling overhead. "Can't say you didn't earn it you crazy little bastard", said the farmer. The rooster opened one eye and whispered, "Shh, they're about to land"...

0 comments

Apparently, there's nothing funny about running over a cyclist. The judge certainly didn't think the laugh track I added to the dashcam footage was acceptable.

0 comments

Officials have stated that that Siberian tiger will not be euthanized for eating that thick cunt who climbed into his cage. The decision was made on conservationist principles given that the world's population of Siberian tigers is thought to be as low as five hundred whereas the world's population of thick cunts is worryingly high.

0 comments

My wife came home from Tesco complaining that the cashier was a right royal bitch. I asked her if she was on the self service checkout, and that's why the fight started...

0 comments

While massaging my head my wife asked, "Sweetheart, before we got married who used to massage your head?". "Before we got married I never used to have a headache", I replied... (Luckily I'm due to be released from hospital in about 3 weeks.....).

0 comments

I was invited onto a game show with the wife's family. "Name something you'd do on your wedding day", the host asked me. Apparently, "the bridesmaid" was the wrong thing to say...

0 comments

Paddy says to Mick, "I'm thinking of going on holiday again but I might do something different this time. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Turkey and Mary got pregnant. And last year I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant ". Mick asks, "So what are you doing differently this year?". Paddy replied, "This year I'm going to take Mary with me!"...

0 comments

Pope Leo said on Sunday that doctors had detected a small ‌growth on his lung during a recent ‌health check. That's Catholic code for Cylmidia.

0 comments

People always say, "That’s the best thing since sliced bread!" ​But do you know what the best thing before sliced bread was? ​Being prescribed medicinal cocaine by a barber to cure the ghosts in your blood.

0 comments

We were on a boat, and my wife said she wanted to recreate that scene from Titanic. So I threw her necklace into the ocean.

0 comments

I answered a personal ad that said, Migraineur Seeks Same. It sounded so romantic,two migraineurs in bed,in a darkened room,moaning with pain. The woman called and we made a date. But she cancelled at the last minute because she had a headache.

0 comments

"Grandma, what happened to Grandad?" Grandma sighed, and Grandma smiled. "He had a heart attack when we were making love". "At your age?", Katie gasped. "We only did it when the church bells rang. In with the ding and out with the dong". She wiped away a tear and said, "He'd still be alive.....if that bloody ice cream truck hadn't gone past"....

0 comments

She yelled, "No I won't sleep with you tonight you pig!!" Everyone in the bar stops and stares. Completely embarrassed he slinks off back to his table with a red face. After a few minutes the woman came over to apologise. She says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations". To which the bloke responds, as loudly as possible, "What do you mean 200 quid for a blowie?"...

0 comments

Hospitals are so overcrowded that patients are being treated in ambulances in the car park. I asked whether Dad could have a private room. The paramedic opened the glovebox.

0 comments

It's funny how drinking 8 cups of water a day seems impossible, but 7 pints and 5 shots in 2 hours goes down like a fat kid on a seesaw...

0 comments

My girlfriend invited me over to her house. I rang the doorbell and her younger sister answered the door. She smiled and said, "Wow, you're handsome, and guess what? Nobody's home, I'm all alone". I smiled politely then turned and started walking back towards my bike. Suddenly her whole family leapt out from behind the house. They clapped and hugged me and said, "We're so proud of you. You're perfect for our daughter"... And me? I was just thinking, "Good thing I went back to lock up my bike"!!

0 comments

I hired an escort for my birthday. “Any special requests?” she asked. “Pretend the cake was your idea.”

0 comments

Nan said she felt like the family were just waiting for her to die. I asked the estate agent to give us a minute.

0 comments

Man dies after jumping into tiger enclosure at Yorkshire zoo in an apparent prank gone wrong. That's neat, that's neat, that's neat, that's neat, you're gonna end up tiger meat...

1 comment

Never have used Spotify, never will. I get my music the old-fashioned way. Downloading it from pirate sites for fuck-all.

1 comment

Modern technology is great, it makes our lives so much easier. For instance; my alarm clock tells me when it's time to get up, the bell on my microwave tells me when my dinner's ready, and the table lamp in my bedroom tells me to go out at night and strangle prostitutes for Jesus. (Credit: Viz Letterbocks, back in the day)

0 comments

I got stuck in a lift with a woman from work. She only started panicking when I unfolded the picnic blanket.

0 comments

A local theater is getting backlash for not having enough disabled seats. To be fair, I thought they brought their own.

0 comments

I had my first gig as a stand up comedian last night at a nursing home. They didn't get any of the jokes but they pissed themselves anyway...

0 comments

In an age when drones exist, suicide bombing is pure love for the game. You have to respect the dedication.

0 comments

What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?

3 comments

My wife thinks I'm a nosey bastard. I just wish she'd say it to my face instead of writing it in her diary...

0 comments

A Scottish guy goes hiking in Canada with his Canadian friend. Suddenly a huge elk appears out of the forest. "Whit the feck is that??!!", says the Scotsman. "Relax, it's just a moose" "A moose??!! How big are yer feckin rats??!!"

0 comments

'...Despite living overseas, I admit I'm a bit of an Anglophile. That's not the same as a paedophile. It means I only touch up Fishermen's kids.'

0 comments

"After 65 years you still call grandma honey, darling, and beautiful", I asked my grandad, "what's the secret?". "I forgot her name 15 years ago and now I'm scared to ask", he replied.

1 comment

My wife just turned to me and said, "I was talking to you and you yawned six times. Am I boring you?". "Those weren't yawns, they were six unsuccessful attempts to speak", I replied.

1 comment

I called my wife from the hospital...told her I'd cut off my finger at work. "Was it the whole finger?", she asked. "Fortunately not", I replied, "it was the one next to it".

0 comments

I went to a celebrity party years ago and Bruce Forsyth was there. He caught me trying to get his his wifes number, but he was OK, he didn't make a song and dance about it.

0 comments

My gay son shouted downstairs "dad, have you seen my straighteners?" "yeah, there right here" I growled, massaging my knuckles.

2 comments

The man who was killed by a shark yesterday while on his honeymoon didn't suffer long. Paramedics said he'd only been married for 5 days...

0 comments

​I just read about an older women's cold-water swimming group called 'The Blue Tits.' It just proves the golden rule of public nudity: the people most eager to get their tits out are always the ones you least want to see.

0 comments

I saw a 'corn movie' recommended this morning. Honestly, I just assumed it was a clever way to get around the UK porn blockers. ...Nope. Just spent two hours learning about maize.

0 comments

'...I have a confession to make. I drink and drive. Everyone says it's wrong to drink and drive, but I can tell you TWO things that are more dangerous than drinking and driving: 1. Drinking 2. Driving Do you know how many people were killed in the UK in 2024 as a direct result of alcohol abuse? 9,809 Do you know how many people were killed as a direct result of driving a car? 1,602 Do you know how many people were killed as a direct result of drinking AND driving? 220 I'm not taking any chances.'

0 comments

'...I don't care what your sexual preference is. Unless you're into autoerotic asphyxiation. They want stringing up, don't they?'

1 comment

Walking in the park the other day, I was nearly knocked off my feet when a couple of little girls came running round the corner. Their mother smiled and shrugged and said, 'Sorry about that! Can't take your eyes off them for a second, can you?' 'No. No, I can't,' I replied.

0 comments

As regards my other half, I'm definitely punching above my weight! She's twenty stone and keeps burning my dinner.

0 comments

The best place to meet really hot older women? Try the crematorium.

0 comments

I've reached that age now where I see a pretty girl on the street and think, 'If only I was 20 years younger, and attractive to women.'

0 comments

Woke up this mornin', Had a pain in my head, My wife she had left me, And my dog he was dead. I'm not a blues singer, I just have serious alcohol issues.

0 comments

Got absolutely hammered last night and woke up this morning next to a big ,fat, ugly cunt that was snoring like an angry dog. I realised I'd made it home again.

0 comments

What's the difference between fucking and decorating? Whoever invented fucking wants decorating, and whoever invented decorating wants fucking. (credit: Roy Chubby Brown)

0 comments

My teenage son came home last week and said, 'Dad, there's something I have to tell you. I've been trying for years to come to terms with it, but the fact is I'm gay.' That must have taken some courage to say. I wonder how he's coming to terms with being homeless?

0 comments

"Live-streaming a public execution is probably a bit much" Taliban tells America

0 comments

I was sitting in my local, feeling glum because I haven't been laid for ages. The barman spotted me and said, 'Cheer up mate, it might never happen!' Cunt.

0 comments

Thousands of eggs have been stolen from a local farm. Police suspect poachers are to blame.

2 comments

What's the difference between Wasp/Crash100 and the tedious, unfunny fart based humour that's dragged Sickipedia to lower depths than the Titan sub? Wasp/Crash100 is occasionally amusing...

2 comments

Article in the Guardian: Has the climate crisis made California too dangerous to live in? Erm, no, I'm pretty sure that was the coons.

2 comments

Just got a letter from my lawyer. My liver is filing for divorce. Cited 'Unreasonable behaviour', apparently.

0 comments

What do you call a deaf gynaecologist? Lip reader

0 comments

On Desert Island Discs, Wayne Rooney could help divulge how much he loved Doris Day Doris, 93, is recovering in hospital after being admitted from the effects of 24-hour captivity at the hands of an unknown assailant

0 comments

What gets bigger & bigger then explodes on Friday? Robinson Crusoe's cock

0 comments

The first rule of deaf club nyou nu not nalk amount nef glub

0 comments

Donald Trump has ordered that the firing-squad execution of Nidal Hassan should be live-streamed on the internet. Being halfway through his second term, Trump is clearly laying the groundwork for a future return to his television career as the host of 'The Running Man'.

0 comments

I'm not saying I'm a heavy drinker, but I owned my car for seven years before realising the emergency tank was supposed to be for petrol.

0 comments

Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor faced £1.8m repair bill after leaving Royal Lodge. Fuck me. That must've been one expensive carpet in his Internet room.

0 comments

Optimism is the prolonged denial of reality.

2 comments

When the children came home from school I told there was some bad news and some good news. They were distraught and inconsolable for about an hour when I told them their mother had suddenly collapsed this morning. She was currently in hospital and probably wouldn't last the night. Then I told them the good news. We are having steak,chips and all the trimmings for tea.

0 comments

Prince Harry reveals he slipped into depression after Megxit. I'm assuming it's because he failed at doing fuck all.

2 comments

"This afterlife is fucking dogshit" Crista Pike diary entry 8th October 2026

0 comments

Christa Pike. Sponsored by Nokia.

2 comments

Russian release plague I'm not worried. A good toothpaste will fix that

1 comment

Attended a Masturbation Addiction support group last night. No-one shook hands.

0 comments

I don't know Christa Pike's prison nickname. But if they weren't calling her The Terminator before, they definitely will be now.

0 comments

I was choosing a suicide clinic the other day. I thought Dignitas looked pretty reliable but I thought I'd check the reviews to be sure. Looks good so far: there aren't any.

0 comments

Christa Pike wakes up, confused and disoriented from her botched execution. "Where am I?" She mumbles. She sees a blurry face staring down at her. "Is that you, Jesus?" Pike asks, groggily. "No, I'm not Jesus," smiles the face, as it slowly comes into focus. "Don't you remember me?" Pike struggles to place the face. "Yes," she says. "I know you...you were in court..." "That's right," the face says. "I'm on your legal team." "You're a lawyer?" Pike asks in horror. "That's right!" Pike screams. "Oh God!" she sobs. "I knew it! I knew it!" "Knew what?" Frowns the face. "I knew I was going to Hell!"

0 comments

​I told my therapist, "Dancing with that mop as a kid was pure, innocent romance. The sex dolls were just a natural progression." ​He rubbed his temples and said, "I understand that. But I am, once again, begging you to stop telling people your girlfriend is 'soaking wet and smells like bleach.'

0 comments

Christa Pike can't be killed I'd send her to Dignitas and give them a go.

0 comments

What do you call an Indian date-raping baker? Sliptitinder I Singh

0 comments

Why the fuck would anybody want to suck their own arse? (Tempted to categorise this as a non-joke because it's the level they've dropped their guts to. I shit you not)

0 comments

Last night she said if I turn out the light I can stick it in her bum. Guess I should have let it cool down first.

0 comments

Paddy: Haven't seen you for a while Mick. Mick: I fell down the stairs and broke three legs. Paddy: But you've only got two legs. Mick: I was carrying the dog at the time.

0 comments

Deathly Aren't-ya?

0 comments

The next James Bond will be made to satisfy the Woke brigade. Bond will start off as a man and transgender to a woman. The film will be called Cocktopussy.

0 comments

Jim Davidson, 72, dating Simon Cowell's ex weeks after calling off sixth wedding. Wonder if it's Sinitta?

0 comments

Just watched the African version of one born every minute. One dead every second.

0 comments

I thought my new Nike trainers were that design that says 'Allah' on the soles, but on closer inspection it turns out I've just trod in some dog shit.

0 comments

I tell women that I'm responsible for a large team of web developers. I find it gets a better reception than saying I live in a bedsit with a spider infestation.

0 comments