I'm a martial artist and I specialise in knocking fuck out of Niggers. I've a black belt in Kung Fu Klux Klan.

0 comments

The Pride match is taking place tonight in the World Cup. I'm sure the winning team will come from behind!

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Kylie Minogue, Elton John and Robbie Williams are walking along the street. Kylie trips, jamming her head in some railings. Robbie, quick as a flash, pulls down her knickers and fucks her ball-deep senseless. He turns to Elton and says, "your turn!" but Elton starts to cry. "What's wrong, Elton?" asks Robbie. Elton sobs, "My head won't fit through the railings!"

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My wife asked me for £150 a month for the weight loss jab. I gave her £20 to buy a padlock for the fridge.

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I said to my wife "how did you get so fat?" She said "well, when we were first married, I'd look at what was in the fridge then go straight to bed. Now I look at what's in the bed and go straight to the fridge"

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When I first met my future wife I thought "wow, what an arse!" Sadly, she thought the same about me.

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I have a couple of those fidget-spinners in the house. Or if you want to use the correct terminology, my children have autism.

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I'm taking my girlfriend to have an abortion tomorrow. I'm really looking forward to hearing the splatter of tiny feet.

1 comment

640% surge in prostate checks after Jeremy Clarkson went public with his cancer diagnosis. The arsehole finally found a purpose.

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There's only one thing worse than someone walking up to you with a big knife in their hand. And that's when they say "you don't remember me, do you?"

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My wife refuses to have a colostomy operation She says she can't find shoes to match her bag.

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I can't believe that, in this day and age, no-one has managed to come up with a cure for anorexia. I thought it'd be a piece of cake.

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What have you got if you have Gemma Collins on one arm and Vanessa Feltz on the other? Fucking strong arms!

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I received a very disturbing email today. It said, ' leave my girlfriend alone or I will kill you.' It was from my son.

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Watched a movie last night about two gay cowboys who fall in love, but then die of AIDS. I think it was called Bareback Mountin'.

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When I was a young boy I met the guy who did the voice of Tony the Tiger. I got RRRRRrrrrrraped!

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Apparently my hypochondria and constant trips to clinics is a burden to the NHS. My gynecologist just told me.

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235 killed by Venezuelan earthquake. They're naming it the Fracas in Caracas.

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If you had to choose between rescuing Keir Starmer from a burning building or making a sandwich, what bread would you use?

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"mummy mummy granddad's lost his colostomy bag". "Shut up and finish your boil in the bag curry".

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Not boasting or anything, but the lass I took home the other night looked a lot like one of The Corrs! Jim.

0 comments

A study has found that vegans are significantly more likely to suffer broken bones. Well, they will keep going on and on about it...

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My mate has got hold of a load of designer bras, all different sizes. If you send me photos of your wife or girlfriend's tits, we will try and match them up.

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Sure is sunny this week! I've got such a good tan, earlier today I went into Patel's corner shop and he told me to fuck off back to my own country.

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I said to the wife, "You know sometimes, you remind me of that film, Scarface" "Awww is that because I look like a young Michelle Pfeiffer", she replied "No. I'm going to handcuff you to a shower rail and cut off all your limbs with a chainsaw"

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Gareth had a little lamb. His father had one too. If you are in to beastiality Wales is the place for you.

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I hate Nigel Farage so much I've been getting up early just to hate him for longer.

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What's the difference between current news headlines and political agendas? They're both thinly veiled marketing exercises.

0 comments

Did you know that a child phones Child Abuse every 10 minutes. That cunt needs a fucking slap.

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Don't you hate when you've got a whistle in your nose. I know the ref who sent me off does.

0 comments

A negro woman walked into a butchers and asked, "Do you have any chicken?" "No black Betty, it's ham or lamb."

1 comment

What do you call an attractive woman with a ginger haired man? A hostage.

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My thermometer exploded and I got a load of mercury all over my face I now know how it was like to have been a homosexual midget in the 1980s

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Edinburgh woman critical in hospital, after the lower half of her body caught on fire in the street. Well, it's the right weather for wearing hotpants.

1 comment

A tidal wave has just hit near the Essex Coast causing mass drownings. Apparently Gemma Collins waterbed burst

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Liquid Mercury is really bad for your health. As a lot of gays found out in the 80s.

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It's not all bad this new pronoun shite. I mean, if I'm talking to a girl in a bar and she tells me her pronouns, I immediately know we have nothing in common so I can tell her to fuck off and save time.

1 comment

Residents of a flagship housing estate in Poole, Dorset, are “appalled” after a Thai massage parlour operating from a garden cabin was granted retrospective planning permission. I like a news story that has a happy ending.

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The missus went ballistic when she found out I've been paying prostitutes for anal sex. She's now issued me with a hoes' pipe ban.

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When I was growing up mum always used to say “Boys will be Boys” To be fair, She had never been to Thailand.

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Sydney woman attacked by shark wakes briefly from coma to say three words. 'Fucking shark bastard'?

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I visited a brothel once and asked for the Girlfriend Experience. She told me I was dumped for visiting prostitutes.

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I was watching television in our lounge when I heard someone wailing and crying outside. When I looked out the window saw it was our young son. ' Come inside and tell me what's wrong, ' I said. ' But I'm not allowed in the lounge with my trainers, ' he replied. ' Don't worry about that, mate, ' I said, ' they're new. ' When he came into the lounge I said, ' Now tell me what's upsetting you. ' ' I stood in a big pile of dog shit, ' he cried.

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The world's oldest known asteroid crater, found in Western Australia, was formed when a space rock struck Earth 3 BILLION years ago. It was witnessed during an early Rolling Stones Concert.

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I like my women how I like my cars. Waxed.

1 comment

Thomas Partey is due to stand trial on charges of seven rapes and a sexual assault. What a weekend that was.

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I got kicked out of the British Museum today for touching the Little Soldier. The little Soldier is what I call my penis.

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Daddy bear said "Who's been eating my porridge". Mummy bear said "Who's been eating my porridge". And baby bear said "Fuck the porridge where's the television gone"?

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Finally received my hand transplant I asked the surgeon will I be able to play the guitar now. The surgeon said "Yes" I replied "Wow that's incredible because I couldn't play it before".

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Why do grannies keep their money stuffed in a teapot? Cos it's the last place Wayne Rooney will look

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"Banned From Heaven is fucking ace. Free of that prick Wasp and a genuine sick bastard community. It's been so refreshing" "Sorry what? Oh yeah...... ..............And when I leave the biggest job in the country, I shall spend more time on the most important job: being the best husband I can to my fantastic wife Vic, who has been a rock by my side through good times and bad, and being the best dad I can to my beautiful children, who are my pride and my joy. Thank you very much"

2 comments

I organised a night out for survivors of female genital mutilation, but none of them could come.

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My sister recently started working in the porn industry. I phoned her up to ask how her first day went. She said it was a lot to take in.

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Someone has stolen all the bus stop signs in my street. For fuck sake, where do these people get off?

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It's so hot, I'm sweating like a pikey doing a spelling test.

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Im not saying it's hot, but my spreadable butter now pours.

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Old People An old lady is sitting in an old persons home looking out the window when an old man walks up to her and says "I know we can no longer take pleasure is sexual activities but could you come to the park with me and hold my penis?" Seeing no harm in this she agrees and it becomes a regular occourance. The same bench, the same day of the week. untill one day the old lady goes to their regualr spot and he isn't there. Slightly upset about this she goes looking for him. She gginds him sitting on a bench with another woman holding his penis! Distraught by this she goes up to him and shouts "What does she have that I don't?! He looks up smiling and says "Parkinsons".

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A new warder is doing the rounds, getting to know the inmates. He enters one cell with three people in it, 2 whites and a black. He says to the first white " what are you in for?" he answers " 5 years . Attempted rape, judge said if i'd raped her i would've got 10!" He turns to the next white man' "what you in for?" He replies " 10 years, attempted murder. Judge said i would've got 20 if i'd murdered him!" He looks at the black man, " what you in for son?" " 20 years sir, no lights on my bike! judge said i would've got life if it had been night time!!!!"

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Why are Paki wedding cakes made of shit? To keep the flies off the bride. (credit; the school playground, back in the day)

0 comments

An undertaker says to a bereaved husband, "When did you realise your wife was dead?" "Well" He replies "The sex was the same, but the dishes just kept piling up."

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What's blue and doesn't fit? A dead epileptic.

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My mate got caught stealing stratch cards from where he worked. He got 200 hours community service. It would have been 100, but it was a rollover week.

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"My friends and family are coming over," I said, "Quick, hide all the silver." "Are they thieves,?" asked my wife. "No," I replied, "they might recognise it."

0 comments

When I was a little boy, my uncle used to take me into the woods play Pooh Sticks. Didn't half make my bottom sore!

1 comment

Q. What's 12" long and snaps a cunt? A. A selfie stick

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People who use selfie sticks really need to take a good long look at themselves

0 comments

Two blokes in a ski resort, one of them is dyslexic. dyslexic: 'excuse me mate, when I come down the mountain, do I zag zig or zig zag?' bloke: 'dunno pal, I'm a tobogganist' dyslexic: fair enough mate, I'll have 20 Marlboro light!'

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In a battalion of the foreign legion there is a new Commandant. He is greeted by the lieutenant who shows him around the fort. "This is the kitchen, grubs served 3 times a day." "This is the main barracks all the privates sleep in here" "This is the officer's mess, you'll be staying in that room" "Finally this is the stable" THe new commandant looks around the stable inspecting the horses on show. Most are fin, thoroughbreds, proper cavalry horses. Finally at the end of the row is a decrepid looking camel. He is flea bitten and scraggy and looks half dead. The commandant asks, "Why is that camel here it looks good for nothing?" The lieutenant replies "Yeh, the soldiers only use it when they need to relieve sexual tension" The commandant is shocked by this but reasons, in the deset you've gotta have something to release the tension. The commandant quickly settles into the daily life of the fort. However after a few weeks he really needs to "let off some steam". Feeling impressed with his integration into the foriegn legion he decides that he should do as the other soldiers do so goes down to the stable one night, drops his trousers and proceeds to shag the camel. He's about half way through when the lieutenant enters, "What are you doing sir!" "I'm just relieving my sexual tension using the camel like you said the other men did" "Well yes but they use it to ride into town to use the brothels there!"

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What do you call a tetraplegic in a raging river? Bob

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How do you baby sit a black African child? Wet its lips and stick it to the wall!

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A black lad is in the kitchen with his mom making a cake, and she tells him to get the flour, he reaches up, and the flour falls on his head, he looks at his mom and says look mom I'm a ghost, look mom I'm white she chins him and tells him to go and see your dad. He goes in the front room and tells his dad he is white, and he gets chinned again from his dad, so the lad turns round and cries I hate you blacks so he gets hit again the lad shouts I fucking hate you all I've been white for ten minutes and I hate niggers

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Daughter asks father "Can you lend me 20 quid?" Father says "Only if you give me a blow job" Daughter says "Leave it out you sick bastard!" Father says "Well, the offer's there - take it or leave it." Daughter is really desperate for the money so she finally agrees, she gets on her hands and knees, pulls down his strides and gets his knob out, the cries "That's disgusting, it stinks of shit!" Father replies "Oh yeah, forgot to mention, your brother wanted to borrow the car earlier..."

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A very ugly woman walks into a shop with her two sons. A man asks her: "Are they twins?" Puzzled, the woman replies: "No. One is 3 years old, and the other is 10. Why do you ask?" The man replies: "No particular reason, I just can't believe someone fucked you twice!"

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I treat my women like I treat my cars. I get drunk and drive them away.

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I once went fifteen years without a drink. Then I turned fifteen.

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This heatwave is getting ridiculous. It's so hot, the Prime Minister has resigned.

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A Mexican married a Nigger. They had a son who was too lazy to steal.

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What do you call four gay guys having an orgy but none of them will take it up the arse? The Four Tops

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After some comments I made at work, Human Resources sent me to a Diversity, Equality and Inclusion seminar to 'broaden my perspective'. I was sceptical at first, but to be honest the course did open my eyes about a few things and how I treat my fellow human beings. Also, they laid on a big buffet lunch which was really tasty. At the end of the course the host told me, 'I think you've made the most progress of all today. I hope this seminar was constructive for you.' I replied, 'It sure was, thank you. Where's the toilet in this place, by the way? After that big lunch, I've got to go drown a darkie.'

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My dad used to be a cunt but now he's a changed man. He's changed twice a day if he shits his nappy in the evening too.

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I really regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes But again, that's Heinz sight.

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My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list. Now I can’t read any of it.

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Apologies, this isn't a joke. I've just jumped ship from you know where and to my absolute joy, there ARE funny people still out there. Thank you, I hope you inspire me.

4 comments

Haven't been able to get on any porn sites for six months now . It's been half a year since I last saw my daughter.

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The local social club was having a charity event for women amputees. The place was crawling with fanny.

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What's has seven tits and five hundred legs? The breast cancer awareness charity fun run.

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Sir Kier Starmer.... From U-turn to U-bend

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Serena Williams might be 44 but she's immature in other ways She still pulls her shorts all the way down when she has a piss

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What's the difference between the McCanns and Gary Glitter? Gary Glitter comes back from his holidays with more kids than he left with.

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I first met my wife at a scat fetish orgy. It was love at first shite.

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Serena Williams stuns fans with dramatic return to Wimbledon singles at 44 years old. Assuming men's singles.

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A magician in Queensland, Australia has vanished without a trace in remote wilderness, with armed forces called in to help in the search. Fucking hell, he's good.

0 comments

Applied for a job as a blacksmith and the interviewer asked if I've ever shoed a horse. I replied "Nope but I've told a couple of donkeys to fuck off".

0 comments

What do you call one of those turds that takes ages to flush? Keir Starmer.

1 comment

The only thing Keir Starmer delivered faster than broken promises was his own exit.

0 comments

Seeing as women like bad boys, Viagra has developed eye drops. They make you look harder.

0 comments

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Most people can roast beef.

0 comments

What's another word for a cocoon? A ni.. nigger

0 comments

Why was Jesus crucified alongside two thieves? Because if he wasn't nailed down, they'd have nicked him.

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What's black and has 27 tits? The rubbish bag outside the cancer clinic.

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What's yellow and looks good on a policeman? A JCB digger.

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Little boy: "Mum, why does Daddy have two willies?" Mum: "Don't be silly, Dad only has one willy." Little boy: "He has two." Mum: "No, your Dad only has one willy!" Little boy: "No! He has two willies! He has a small one that he goes to the toilet with, and a big one that he brushes my teeth with."

0 comments

A black man goes to the doctors and says "doctor doctor I can't stop running!" the doctor puts a white line of powder on the table to which the black man sniffs immediately. "FUCK ME! IS THAT COCAINE?" asks the black man. "No, its Persil, stops coloureds from running, replies the doctor".

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After hurricane Katrina, three black men were found in purple dinner jackets floating in the sea police described them as "the drifters."

0 comments

If you're a sado-masochist necrophiliac with a thing for bestiality - face it, you're flogging a dead horse

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A guy is nearing the end of his senior year in high school... Unfortunately, he still has to share a room with his younger brother who is only 9 years old. One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun. They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his girlfriend climb up to the top bunk. As you might expect things start to heat up. The guy remembers that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to whisper "lettuce" if she wants it harder and "tomato" if she wants a new position. Lettuce!!! Tomato!!! Lettuce!!! Tomato!!! Lettuce!!! Tomato!!! She screams. Lettuce!!! Tomato!!! Whoa!!! PULL IT OUT!!! PULL IT OUT NOW!!! I can't get pregnant! Then the little brother shouts up, "Hey, would you guys stop making sandwiches up there! You're getting mayonnaise all over my face!

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What do you call a prostitute in a Everton shirt? Madeline McCann.

0 comments

England's prospects of winning the World Cup have taken on a whole new significance. Because part one of my cross-double just came in with Starmer fucking off.

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Online misinformation was spread recently that the Ukrainians who set fire to Keir Starmer's properties were angry rent-boys targeting him over unpaid bills. Thankfully these smears have been discredited as the government was able to produce dozens of witnesses who testified that Sir Keir has always paid his rent-boys on time and in full from his parliamentary expenses account.

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I was asked to run a support group for people who have Parkinson's Disease. What a bunch of miserable bastards. I usually start each session with a game of Operation to lift their mood and raise their self esteem.

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"give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day. Beat him to death with his own shoe and he won't be hungry anymore"

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I was in the pub with my date. She said "there's a really hard looking bloke over there that keeps staring at you" I said "don't worry, I know how to look after myself. I only eat vegan and I do yoga three times a week"

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I find it impossible to get laid these days. Which is ironic as I'm egg shaped.

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The Army have named a new autonomous weapon after Keir Starmer. They call it a nasal drone. ... When Starmer got married he asked for a cake with two tiers. ... Every time Starmer orders food from a restaurant menu, the kitchen staff start cooking two meals in case he u-turns on his decision. ... Excuse the multiple jokes. I have to unload all my Starmer related material before the cunt fucks off tomorrow.

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What goes click click "click click click, have i done it.click click click have I done it". Stevie wonder doing the Rubik cube.

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Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa.

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I'm a fully-qualified abortion provider. I kid you not.

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I was on the pull last night, so I wore my T shirt that reads, 'Drink Until You Want Me'. This lass in the club read it, looked at my face and then sneered, 'No thanks, I want to wake up alive in the morning!' I leaned in close and growled, 'You'd better fucking start drinking, then, hadn't you?'

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Hey Honey YES Do you know what the teat on a condoms for? Course I do its to collect the love porridge Is it fuck yer daft twat its to put yer foot on when taking it off!!

0 comments

There's always something positive you can say about absolutely anybody. For example: Muslims don't eat pork because they consider it cannibalism.

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Came home early and caught my best mate fucking the missus.i said "Fucking ell Dave I have to do that what's your excuse"?

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My wife got a job in a care home. She said that they give all the old men viagra every night. It's not for health reasons, it stops them rolling out of bed.

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I was in this bar last night, and this bloke with a moustache came up to me and lisped, 'Fancy a bum?' I replied, 'Uh, no thanks. I've already got one.' What a queer fellow.

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"The procedure shouldn't take too long. I'll sedate you then slowly insert this inside your anus. You may feel a sensation of warm liquid but that's perfectly normal, as is some soreness afterwards. Any questions?" I then told the gay man next to be at the bar that he really needs to work on his chat-up lines

0 comments

Scotland has the worst rates in the UK for hate crimes against gays and the handicapped. They really don't like their fruits and vegetables up there.

0 comments

I got my wife a personalized birthday card from 🎶 fat pig.com 🎶

2 comments

My mates can't handle their drink. They dropped me twice on the way home from the pub.

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Had a prawn vindaloo and twelve pints of Guinness last night. Happy Farter's Day!

0 comments

Scottish hordes drink Boston dry, and thousands of pints of beer are trucked in. They are using the trucks that usually bring in the fruit and vegetables.

0 comments

I once went on a date with a fishmonger's daughter. She lay on the slab and said fillet.

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Tennessee State Trooper, ' Got any I.D. ? ' Redneck, ' bout what? '

0 comments

Q. What do you give the man who has everything? A. Penecillin

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A man is visiting his elderly father at his apartment, when the warden suggests to him that his father might be in need of more full-time attention and that he may be better suited in a rest home. The man explains the situation to his father. Son: Dad I think it's time we put you in a home, so you can be looked after properly. Dad: No son, I'm fine, really I am... Don't put me in a home. Son: There's a very nice retirement home just near us, we'll just book you in there for a week, and see how it goes... ok ?? Dad: Ok son, but only a week. The dad is packed off to this home and the next morning wakes up in a nice comfortable bed, with a nurse asking what he'd like for breakfast. He chooses a full english breakfast and is about to tuck in, when he realises he has an eretion, sticking out from beneath the sheets. He immediately goes to cross his legs, but the nice nurse says "let me deal with that.." Much to the mans astonishment, the nurse starts giving him a blowjob, a really wet filthy blowjob, he can't believe it. After the ordeal is over, the father rushed to the phone to call his son. Dad: Son, I'm definately staying here, this place is marvellous, I woke up with a stiffy this morning and the nurse gave me a blowjob !! Son: Oh, good for you dad... I'll be round to see you later. Later that day a nurse comes in to tell the elderly man that his son is here to see him. the father gets up and head towards the main entrance, unfortunately he trips over in the hallway. Whilst he's bent over, and cunning male nurse runs up behind him and gives him a piece up the arse. The aged gentleman screams and the nurse runs off. The elderly man finds his son begins explaining what had happened. Dad: I just tripped in the corridor and a male nurse buggered me. I'm not staying here if that's going to happen. Son: Well come on dad, you did get a blowjob... You just have to take the rough with the smooth. Dad: But Son... I only get a stiffy 3 times a year, I fall over 3 times a fucking day!

0 comments

How do you turn a cat into a dog? Pour petrol on it, light and WOOF!!!!

0 comments

What is red and orange and looks good on the French? Fire!

0 comments

A moment or two after a highway accident, an old Jewish man came up to a woman lying by the roadside. "Have the police come yet?" the man asked. "No," the woman moaned. "Has the ambulance been here yet?" "No," the injured woman repeated. "How about the insurance company?" "No." "Listen," the Jewish man said, bending down. "Do you mind if I lay down next to you?"

0 comments

Q: Why did God create yeast infections? A: So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt once in a while too.

0 comments

Two Hasidic Jews were walking down the street one day. They ran into Abe, an old friend. When they ask how he was doing he said, "I'm doing great. I just hit the lottery for ten million quid!." Naturally aroused they ask him what he did with the money. He replied, "I bought the biggest piece of property money could buy right in the heart of Berlin, Germany. On that property, I built a mansion and on my front lawn I put a solid gold life size statue of Adolf Hitler!" His friends are completely shocked and couldn't believe what he had done. They said, "Adolf Hitler, are you crazy?" With that, he calmly pointed at his inner forearm and says, "Adolf vasn't such a bad guy... he gave me the winning numbers!

0 comments

Why do they have a bucket of shit at a paki wedding? To keep the flies off the bride

0 comments

Why do they call the Camel ship of the desert? Because they are full of Arab Seamen

0 comments

Why does Stevie Wonder always smile? He doesn't know he's black

0 comments

Did you hear about Gary Glitter's holiday? He went to Tampa with the children.

0 comments

Two flies on a pile of shit Fly 1 *starts to pick his nose, burp and fart* Fly 2 Do you mind I'm eating here!

0 comments

Two Dyslexics sitting in a room. Dyslexic 1: Can you smell gas? Dyslexic 2: I can't even smell my own name!

0 comments

I'm looking forward to my Father's Day meal later, local gastro-pub which does a fantastic Sunday roast and a selection of fine ales. But that's all the missus and kids have done is moan moan moan, "Why can't we come with you?" "I'm really hungry daddy!" and stuff like that!

0 comments

What is the biggest all-time dilemma for a Jew? Free ham!

0 comments

I saw a middle-aged man in a terrible wig and shouted "Oi, what do you identify as faggot?" As it turns out, it was a really bad start to my trial!

0 comments

Scientists say that swallowing semen after oral sex can help women lose weight. I agree. Women who swallow mine tend to lose a great deal of weight about 9 or 10 years down the line.

0 comments

I told my girlfriend that semen contains 'friendly' bacteria, like those Actimel yoghurts. I can't believe she swallowed it.

0 comments

I just passed a recruitment poster for the St John's Ambulance brigade, it was captioned; "There's a volunteer inside all of us." If you were in Leeds General Infirmary or Broadmoor Hospital or Stoke Mandeville in the 50's, 60's, 70's, 80's or 90's that volunteer would have been Jimmy Savile!

0 comments

What do Donald Trump's kids give him on Father's Day to keep him busy all day? A card with 'Please Turn Over' written on both sides.

0 comments

What do niglets call Father's Day? Sunday!

0 comments

One night there was a fire in a block of flats. On the ground floor there lived an elderly couple, they both died of smoke inhalation. On the first floor lived a middle-aged professional married couple, they both died of burns. On the second floor there were three students in a flat-share, they were all burned to a crisp. On the third floor lived a Pakistani doctor and his family of eight, they were also incinerated. On the top floor there lived a couple of young gay guys, they got out quickly and unscathed. How? They already had their shit packed!

0 comments

Got kicked out of my bosses' funeral because I looked at the coffin and said "Who's thinking outside the box now, ya cunt?"

0 comments

Q. How many potatoes does it take to kill a million Irish people? A. None!

0 comments

A cod leaned into a sardine at a bar. "I've got something to tell you, but you can't tell a sole."

0 comments

My ex girlfriend from a while back managed to contact me and said "Joey I've got AIDS". I replied "yes..I know".

0 comments

Roy Walker is in bed with Bonnie Blue. He says, 'It's good, but it's not tight.'

0 comments

Fucked the arse off this girl from liverpool and afterwards I said "Did you enjoy your orgasm"? And she replied "What makes you think I had an orgasm"? I said "it's because you dropped your bag of chips".

0 comments

What's the difference between sin and shame? It's a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to take it out. (credit: some radio DJ about 40-odd years ago)

1 comment

Why don't Jews join the boy scouts? Take a total fucking prick to be with them.

0 comments

Just taken Viagra and some sleeping pills. Off to bed now and have Forty wanks.

0 comments

I've been trying to give up pornography, but some of the stuff on the Internet makes it very hard for me.

0 comments

What's the difference between Prince Harry and Prince William? Prince Harry gets a decent titwank.

0 comments

Tuna fish and lavender must be my favourite smell. It brings back memories when I was a kid sniffing through my Nan's knickers draw.

1 comment

Even today, train drivers are finding innovative ways of going on strike

0 comments

Americans love cars because they combine their two favorite things: sitting down and killing people.

0 comments

We need to open a dialogue about banning the use of trains. Apparently yesterday a train killed a driver, left nine others in a critical condition in hospital and injured countless others. These trains must be banned to stop anyone else from being hurt.

0 comments

30 years on, and the Spice Girls have really stood the test of time. They're still shit.

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I had a phone call from my son's headmaster. "I'm afraid to tell you that a group of Asian lads ganged up on Michael and stuck his head down the toilet." "Little bastards. Is he OK now?" "Unfortunately not. They cut it off first."

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They say that if you rest one of your testicles on the top of an empty beer bottle and heat the base of the bottle with a lighter, the testicle will eventually be sucked inside. If anyone has successfully reversed this process, can you please let me know. It's quite urgent.

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I've found the cure to imposter syndrome Knowing everybody else is an imposter too. Tell yourself you deserve a stake in the scam all those other cunts are running.

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What was the last thing to go through that train driver's head? A British Rail Class 810 Aurora locomotive!

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During my annual check-up I said, 'Well, Doc, what's the verdict? Think I'll live a long and healthy life?' He replied, 'Doubt it somehow. You see, Mercury is in Uranus right now.' 'Come on, Doc, I don't go in for any of that astrology bollocks!' 'Neither do I, my thermometer just broke.'

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I always liked that song OJ Simpson wrote for the Spice Girls. You know the one, Slice Up Your Wife.

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I finally got my hands on some Rohypnol, but I'm a bit confused. One the packet it says 'Best Before Date', but then there's no numbers or anything.

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I once went out with a girl who was a coal miners daughter. She wasn't much to look at but she knew her way round a shaft.

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People say my wife has been around the block, but that's an understatement. Putting it in her is like opening the window and shagging the night

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Black guy goes on a skiing holiday, gets to his hotel and sees a sign outside: "WHITE PEOPLE £50, BLACK PEOPLE £50" So he thinks "ah, that's good, equality and all that", books in and goes to a restaurant for his dinner. He sees another sign outside the restaurant: "WHITE PEOPLE £10, BLACK PEOPLE £10" He's thinking how nice it is that everyone's equal here, has a great meal and goes back to his hotel to sleep. The next day goes for a ski, and again he sees a sign: "WHITE PEOPLE £20, BLACK PEOPLE £1" Again he's happy that there's no racism here, there's even positive discrimination. He pays his £1 and is taken to a seperate ski slope. He's having a great time, he gets to a big jump and flies off it. In the distance, he hears one word: "Pull!"

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A man pulls into a motorway service station in the middle of nowhere. He's ravenously hungry, so he goes into the Little Chef attached to the petrol station. Evidently, the rest of the world is also starved, as the place is packed to the rafters. Luckily, there's one table free. Just as his food arrives, a leper walks in. The leper's clearly not been taking the best care of himself: he's a bit flaky, is missing an ear, and smells a little of drains. The restaurant hasn't thinned out any, so the waitress approaches our hero and asks if he'd mind awfully if the leper joined him at the table. He doesn't want to be rude, and gestures that it's fine. But he's a little uncomfortable, and hunches over his meal. A few moments later, however, curiosity gets the better of him and he looks up. "Jesus fucking Christ!" The leper is a little taken aback, "Sir, I know the way I look, and if I'm offending you, I'll just leave." "No, no, I'm sorry, it's not you. Sorry." And so he hunches further over his meal. But his appetite has taken a knock, and he knows it's only a matter of time before he has to look again. And so he just glances up. "For the love of all that's holy!" "OK, seriously, I'll leave. Really, it's fine. I know what I am." "No, no don't. It's not you, honestly. Stay. I apologise." But now his appetite is crushed, and he's merely pushing beans around a plate in a futile effort not to appear too rude. And he has to look, dear Lord, he has to look. "The baby Jesus sucking cock!" "Right, that's it." The leper gets up to leave. "No, no, it's not you. Really. It's the guy behind you dipping his tortilla chips in the back of your head!"

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What word beginning with "N" and ending with "R" do you not want to call a black person? Neighbour!!

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Why do blondes hate stearing wheels? They limit headroom

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What's the difference between a canoe and a Jew? Jews don't tip.

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Why do Jews have big noses? Because air is free

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Why do black people only have nightmares? Because the last black man that had a dream got shot

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What do you call a dead man utd fan? A good start What do you call two dead man utd fans? Holly and jessica.

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How do you stop six black guys raping a white girl? Throw them a basketball.

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Where does bin laden put his CD's? In Iraq

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Whats so wrong about 5 black men in a Cadalic going off a cliff? A Cadalic seats 6

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What's big, purple and comes up your rear end unexpectedly? The EMR express from Bedford.

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'King extends olive branch for Harry' Let's see if Meghan swings off it.

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'Cabinet turns on Starmer' Is there anything that doesn't give him a boner?

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Train driver killed and 89 injured in railway crash. Now that's a Bedfordshire Clanger.

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People think making someone disappear is an art, but it’s really just a test of stamina; you have to shovel fast enough to bury the screaming, because no matter how hard they fight, the weight of the earth always wins.

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The driver of that locomotive in Bedfordshire was fully trained.

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I heard the trains in Bedford are finally bringing people together, though I suspect most of the passengers would have preferred a slightly less 'intimate' meeting.

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My kids asked why I put the hamster in the ground while it was still kicking. I told them the only difference between 'dying' and 'dead' is how much dirt you’re willing to shovel on top of the noise.

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Big-titted blonde: Doctor, doctor, I can't stop drinking men's piss! Doctor: I have a solution for you.

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When I was in the cub scouts Akela tried to molest me. But I tied his dick in a knot.

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How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? ALL MEN ARE BASTARDS!

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