Of course black lives matter. A dead slave is useless.

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A lot of actors are really worried that in the future, they will be replaced in films by AI avatars, but many directors say that AI will never be able to do what real Hollywood stars do. I mean, how could a computer suck Harvey Weinstein's cock?

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One of the barmaids in our pub got her nipple pierced. I'm shit at darts.

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The family of the ‘Putney Pusher’ maintain he was totally innocent and was thrown under a bus by the Met police.

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Joanna Wietrzyk is sponsored by Puma Pants. (Pronounced "poo ma pants)

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A sign in the window of my local corner shop says, 'This place is NOT called The Paki Shop!' Excellent! About time they were white-owned.

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My favourite teacher in high school was Mr Blackwell, in Geography. One of those really laid-back, easy-going cool teachers, you know the sort. I wouldn't have swapped him for all the tea in Denmark.

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My mate asked me, "What do you spend on a bottle of wine?". "I dunno, about 20 minutes, half an hour I guess", I replied.

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How do you stop a grooming gang? Chuck em a cricket ball

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Words like 'Paki' and 'nigger' don't bother me. Just the people.

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My doctor's prescribed me some haemorrhoid cream. On the label it says, 'For External Use Only'. My neighbours aren't too chuffed.

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I tried using the online Alzheimer's support service but I can't remember my login details

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Man who was duct-taped on flight after outburst breaks his silence. He told reporters; 'Mmmmmmf! Mmmmf! Mmmmmfffff!'

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Asylum seekers were taught how to avoid having sex with underage girls in Britain A better lesson would be how to avoid Britain.

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Women are like bacon. Sounds good, right? Looks good. Smells good. Tastes and feels good. All the while, killing you slowly.

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I once said boo to a goose. Fuck the rules.

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Two tramps wake up one morning in their cardboard boxes. 'Hey, you wanna skip breakfast today?' 'Sure! There's usually something edible in there...'

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After a public uproar, the boss of Ryanair has apologised for comparing rival airlines to rapists. "I am so sorry for the hurt I have caused," he said. "I did not realise how deeply offensive that sort of comparison was; it was a completely spasticated thing for me to say."

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The way Feminazis are going on about Sydney Sweeney's new ad you'd think she strangled three kids or something.

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I hated Ed Sheeran before it was cool

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He was so poor growing up, his Dad had to keep his Sister pregnant so they could have fresh milk.

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Accusations that the young are a snowflake generation are wrong, the head of an independent review into mental health has told the BBC. Prof Peter Fonagy says there has been a real rise in mental distress among children and young people, with anxiety, depression, self-harm and eating disorders the most common. Yeah. That's what "snowflake" means you fucking idiot.

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"...but if the waiting list is nearly two years," I said, "surely I'd be dead by then?" "Aha," smiled the consultant. "You've spotted the business model."

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On holiday in Thailand,I picked up this gorgeous woman in a bar one night. She looked like a woman,walked like a woman,talked like a woman and kissed like a woman. But when she parked the car first time I just knew there was a cock and bollocks under that dress.

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Joanna Wietrrzyk rewrites history by achieving number one and number two in the same event.

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What’s a new born baby’s least favourite song? ‘Letby entertain you’.

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Our kids have started treating the house like a hotel. They're putting bibles in the bedside tables.

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I wouldn’t bother with that Bayeux Tapestry…He dies at the end

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Groundbreaking new spinal cord implant allows paralysed patients to walk, swim, cycle, and even ride a canoe. Have they tried Tampax?

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Joanna Wietrzyk is the next big name in Cack and Field sports.

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My wife kept telling me I should get something that would improve my sex drive. I came back from the pharmacy with two big boxes of diet pills for her.

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So Jesus could turn water into wine.... Big deal I can make two different liquids come out of my cock

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I saw a cannibal who only had one arm and one leg. Apparently he had been on holiday but it was self catering.

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Black people invented the steel drum. Those cunts will steal anything.

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I read that if you shave something off, it'll grow back thicker than it was before. I can't wait to see my new dick! (credit: whoever posted the original on the old place)

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Russian election results finalized tomorrow. Tonight’s exit poll has Putin’s United Russia leading with 346% of votes cast.

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'I really enjoy watching those young ladies run like their very lives depended on it.' 'Ah, been watching the athletics, eh?' 'Athletics?'

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Mohamed Al Fayed had a Harley Street doctor carry out invasive sexual health tests on his alleged victims. These spontaneous affairs need careful planning.

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I've started blending Rohypnol into pieces of chewing gum, then handing them out to the local schoolgirls. It's my latest invention, nickateen gum.

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Homeowners! Say goodbye to expensive solar panels! There's some heavy winds forecast later.

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Joanna Wietrzyk is obviously dedicated to her sport. The rest of the contestants didn't give a shit.

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When I was younger I used to have a sexual urge to pleasure myself by shoving lettuce up my arse... But not all of it though, oh no, just the very tip of the iceberg...

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What do you call a chinese male child who's hot? Boi ling What do you call a female Chinese child who's hot? Cremated

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I asked my local priest if he was going on holiday anywhere nice this year. "I'm going to the Philippines, with the children," he said. Weird. I didn't think they were allowed to have kids.

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I wouldn't say boo to a goose. I have Tourette's, I'd tell it to fuck off.

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OnlyFans model reveals fan offered her fifty pounds to poo in a box and post it to him. Fucking hell, and I've been posting mine to my local MP for free for years.

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Ed Sheeran is very good around the house. In the space of a few hours, he did all his laundry, cleaning and then his Zioning

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I've got my wife's name tattooed halfway up my forearm. To show how far I've had my fist up her arse.

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My wife was waiting for the scales at Slimming world. She got to the front and stepped on the machine. She said "I've been stood in the queue for ages" The organizer said "well that's appropriate, your weight is over"

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Worst thing about women's football? All the extra stoppage time while the ref tries to explain the offside rule.

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I see a crocodile infested river has been approved as the venue for rowing and canoeing at the 2032 Olympic Games in Brisbane..... A spokesman has said, "Listen cobber, in the unlikely event that any participant is attacked then they will simply enter the Paralympics instead."

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What have Macklemore and Billie Piper got in common? They've both fucked a ginger cunt

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Newsflash: £9,99 for 18 cans of Carlberg in Aldi! Breaking News: After 17 cans I finally feel like I have had a pint of beer!

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My psychologist reckons I’m addicted to “cheap dopamine”. What a load of bollocks…. does he know how much cocaine is?

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Gary Lineker just phoned Paula Radcliffe. Joanna Wietrzyk wants to join their support group.

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I was cursed with a tiny penis I wish he'd just twirled his index & forefinger at me like normal devil worshippers

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Heard a rare bootleg of an old Sinnead O'Connor and the chuckle brothers collaboration track. Nothing Compares 2U to Me

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Charlotte the quadruple amputee in the new series of big brother should take up prostitution. She could have a website advertising called cash and carry

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Stephanie Cole gets to the Pearly Gates St Peter says, "Sorry. He'll be another five minutes"

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One of the anti trans lot said women can't have a penis. Well they have mine whether they like it or not

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Ed Sharon

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The village of Piddington have voted in a referendum to leave the UK. Shockingly 285 voted to leave and a measly 26 voted to remain. Residents are currently packing up all of the belongings of the 26 remainers and arranging for them to be moved in with 3000 illegal immigrants formally planned for rehousing.

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I reached out to Brian May in the street and he barked at me, "No autographs!" "I don't want your fucking autograph", I snapped back... "I want to you to kneel down so I can unbutton my kecks and get the dangleberries out of my arse with your hair"

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'...I used to date a girl called Lorraine, but I dumped her. Now, I date a girl called Clara. I would now like to sing a beautiful song entitled, "I can see Clara now Lorraine has gone." (From my former standup)

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Is Ed Sheeran getting commission from Big Shovel? That lad doesn't know when to stop digging

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I was planning to watch a Glasgow derby from the lower leagues at midday today, being a fan of grassroots football. Trouble is it clashes with the big Midlands derby from the professional leagues, Wolves v West Brom.

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A Muslim friend of mine introduced me to Halal meat before… Now all I have to do is kill it.

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Some people say that I am racist but I disagree. It's only the fucking niggers I can't stand.

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Took the wife shopping for new curtains. The assistant asked which colour she was after. I was absolutely stunned when she pulled my trousers and underpants down. She pointed to my cock and asked if they had any in that shade of pink/purple.

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Joanna Wietrzyk has responded to criticism after soiling herself during a race in Beijing "I was just trying to blend in with the locals", she added

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I flashed my cock in the city of Beijing and this woman jogger proper shat herself

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I tipped out a bag of air in India and got done for fly tipping.

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Why don't Germans have a sense of humour? Because if you can't laugh at your 17-year-old daughter taking a dump on your back and massaging it, you never will

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Just heard the bootleg of a rare Sinead O'Connor and Bono duet. Nothing Compares U2.

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Just seen a rare bootleg of an old Sinead O'Connor video where she's pleasuring herself by stuffing a meerkat up her snatch Nothing Compares The Market 2U

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"Taxpayers foot £420,000 bill for eco-boiler to keep sex offenders warm Biomass heating system for woodwork workshop at HMP The Verne could cost up to seven times more than traditional gas alternative" Surely keeping them at lower temperatures would reduce them likelihood of 'wood' - to be commended in their case?

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Can you smell Cole burning?

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Puma have shit their pants over Joanna Wietrzyk.

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I worked with a bloke who on first impression was agitated, confused and strangely foaming out the mouth. I haven’t seen him for a few weeks. I do wonder what happened to Ray Bies.

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Pennywise The Clown has just gone for a shit I'd give IT ten minutes if I were you

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I remember getting pulled up in English class at high school, after the teacher overheard me referring to my penis as my 'cock'. I told him, 'Sir, you are an English teacher. Surely, if you are competent in your work, you must be aware that the first known reference to the penis as a 'cock' originates from the Shakespeare play The Taming of the Shrew?' That shut him up. Then I told him if he didn't like it, he could suck my cock.

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In breaking news it's been announced that Earl Spencer's funeral is to be held on October the 2nd after his brakes failed next Wednesday...

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Has anyone looked at "Sicki" lately? All completely unfunny "jokes" about breaking wind now, it's fucking dire! Thank the lord for THIS site....

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Nursing homes are gonna be wild in 50 years when troons get Alzheimer's and start wondering where their dicks went.

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What's the difference between a Bishop and a Rook? The Rook doesn't fuck kids

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