If you ever need proof that women are terrible just remember there was once a guy who shot himself after 5 minutes of marriage. RIP Adolf.

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What do you get if you cross a fat homosexual and a paranoid schizophrenic? Shot in the Blind Beggar Pub.

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Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet. The Black Labrador asked the yellow Labrador "So why are you here?" The yellow Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed." The black Lab said, "So what's the vet going to do? " "Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the yellow Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down." "And why are you here?" the Yellow Lab asked the Black. The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch." "So what are they going to do to you?" the Yellow Lab inquired. "Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said. The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here? "I'm a humper,"said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat,a pillow, the table, and fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. "Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her feet, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away." The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance. "So, its nuts off for you too, huh?" The Great Dane said, "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped! "

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My neighbours 12 year old daughter asked me round to help with a computer problem. "Mum and Dad are at work," she explained, "and I'm trying to install this software. But it keeps saying I need to disable my Virgin Security." "If your parents are out," I said, unbuckling my belt, "then you've already done that.

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Remember, if you don't sin... Jesus died for nothing.

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How many beads and of what colour should we offer as reparations?

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A famous man has lost his bid for a High Court injunction to prevent the publication of sexual misconduct allegations against him – but he cannot yet be named as he can take the case to the Court of Appeal. I wanted to name him in this joke, but my computer says no.

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There are so many niggers working in my local McDonalds they should call it Trevor McDonalds

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I bought a second-hand suit from a magician. Reached for my CV during a job interview and pulled out a fucking pigeon.

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Two Irishmen in a bar. The barman walks up to them and says youre not allowed to eat your own food in here. So they swapped sandwiches.

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My girlfriend accused me of having an affair with a woman from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerwchllyndrobwllllandysiliogogogoch. I said, "How can you say such a thing?!"

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Apparently in Islam, the ultimate sin is to draw the prophet Mohammad. ​Of course, marrying a 12-year-old is perfectly fine. As long as she doesn't bring her crayons.

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"Less dad jokes, more gallows humour" Well, you'll be happy to hear my dad hanged himself

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Donald Trump must be shitting himself right now. And then there's the midterms coming up next week, too.

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There once was an inmate called Brand, Whose arsehole just would not expand. Then a helpful black bloke, gave his starfish a poke, And got both fists beyond Brand's prostate gland.

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What's hairy and goes "Ow!!" ? Russell Brand picking up the soap

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My mate Iain has one eye bigger than the other.

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Should Britain make reparations for slavery? Well, we never should have got involved in such a sordid enterprise in the first place. All those slaves should have been emancipated and sent back home to Africa. So I propose we do the next best thing, and send all their descendants back.

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The closest I’ve ever come to a threesome is a three-bird roast at Christmas... and to be honest, even that was a bit dry.

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It's hard to agree with Admins request for more gallows humour. When what we really need here is an increase in racism.

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I remember trying to impress a girl by putting my foot down on the pedal. But it turns out she's seen a bin open that way before.

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Those people at the suppository helpline are very rude aren't they?

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I sent Russell Brand a Rita Hayworth poster for his cell, as a little nod to The Shawshank Redemption. By morning, she’d tunnelled through the fucking wall.

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Russell Brand guilty of rape I hope they throw the booky-wook at the cunt

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I asked my GP if he could give me something for a migraine. He gave me a piece of paper that said, Sickipedia.net

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The vet gave me a cone to stop the dog licking his bollocks. I’ve been shouting “PACK IT IN” through it all afternoon.

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The super injunction procured by an anonymous celebrity has been granted on the grounds that if found guilty, he'll probably commit suicide. Am I alone in seeing a problem and solution rolled into one here?

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All the organs of the body were having a meeting, Trying to decide who was the one in charge. "I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen." "I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away." "I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy." "I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go." "I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes." I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal." All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, So in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, The stomach was bloated, The legs got wobbly, The eyes got watery, And the blood was toxic.. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss . The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work... An Arsehole is usually in charge...

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I was watching Micheal Macintyre on TV last night. It said I could press the red button on my remote. So I did and it turned the cunt off!

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I was quite surprised back in 2018 when Winnie Mandela bought the farm. I thought she'd just have seized it from its rightful white owner.

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Women are looking for two things in a man; his own home and his own car. And I tick both boxes: I live in my car.

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I've just read a book called "Fifty shades of gravy" It's very saucy

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A drunk air passenger, 30, pulled down her underwear and exposed her vagina in front of holidaymakers. Best airline ever. Dinner and a show.

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Mickey Mouse? Not on my watch.

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I dunno what the King was so angry about... That's the first time Camilla's been wet since the first Gulf War

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I finally went on a a date with the girl from Tinder I've been chatting to for a couple of weeks. She apologised for making me wait, she just wanted to make sure I wasn't a narcissistic serial killer. So I strangled her with her own underwear, just like the others. Nobody talks to King God Daddy Giantcock that way.

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I've found that answering the door naked with an erection really scares the trick or treaters. Oh, here we go again. Two fat little bastards dressed as policemen.

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How do you get a farm girl to fancy you...? First, a tractor...

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Tributes have been pouring in following the death of Patrick Stewart yesterday... Sir Ian McKellen - "the most respected and beloved actor of his generation". Hugh Jackman - "We lost one of the greats of stage and screen today... I will miss you, Patrick Stewart, all of my days". George Takei - "He inspired a whole next generation of star-gazers who looked longingly ahead to a brighter future for all humanity". William Shatner - " Whose Captain now bitch?"

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I thought Russell Brand crawling out of my television was terrifying. Then the girl from The Ring crawled out after him and hid behind me.

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My wife and I share three wonderful children. I just hope none of them dob us in.

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Remember remember The 5th of November The hairy sex pest got sent down I can't fucking wait For the biggest inmate To shove his cock up Brand's brown

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There once was a comic named Russell, Who forced ladies into a tussle. Now he's on the nonce wing, And he fears for his ring, Hope they violate his sphincter muscle.

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The first time I shagged my new girlfriend I thought of my late wife. I thought this'll teach her to be late.

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I wouldn't say my wife is ugly. But she fucking is.

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Modern vicars are such hypocrites. They bang on about living by Christ's example but they are always the first to call the police when you actually turn up at the church bakesale brandishing a whip and start turning over tables.

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I complimented a guy on his Halloween child molester costume and all he said was me on me way home from Mosque, what Halloween?

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I've decided to take the wife out tonight. One bullet should be enough.

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Three weeks ago a tub of butter fell and landed on my foot. It still fucking hurts.... I can't believe it's not better...

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What's Roman Polanski's favourite whisky? SHE VAS LEGAL!

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I scattered Dad’s ashes on his favourite rollercoaster. The family behind me looked fucking furious in the souvenir photo.

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Branded a rapist sex-pest and facing a long prison sentence, eh? Pity he couldn't Russell up a better defence lawyer.

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I'm an adult in the same way a tomato is a fruit.

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What is pink and smells of ginger? Fred Astaire's cock.

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'King to Speak with 'Unflinching Honesty' in Address to Slavery Reparations Conference.' Fucking hell, that's a bold strategy. "[...] we are bored of this whole conversation [...] it's not our fault you can't run your countries properly [...] you should be grateful we freed you and let you live [...] you all look the same to us [...]"

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What's invisible and smells of dog food? A pensioners fart

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Drawing Muhammad became a sin when little Aisha drew a picture of him for London police. Now they run around in gangs so pre-teen girls can't identify them.

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A nun went into an off license and asked for a bottle of whisky. "Whisky?", the assistant asked, "I thought you nuns didn't drink!" "We don't", the nun replied, "This is for the Mother Superiors constipation!" She bought the whisky and left. Later that night the assistant saw the same nun dead drunk on a park bench. "I thought that was for the Mother Superior's constipation?", he said. "It ish!", she replied, "When she sees me like this, she'll shit herself!"

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Just to be clear I am only joking when I pretend to like the Nazis, I am actually quite left wing. I've started a petition to get Walkers to rename their crisps Salt and Vi-N-Word.

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I hate governments who decide to keep their overseas relief budget for themselves They've all been drinking the coon aid

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Buzzballz is a woman owned company, which makes sense. We all know women love drinking the contents of balls.

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When I leave the pub early because I have a twelve year old waiting on me. They always assume I'm a parent.

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Deep Purple frontman hospitalised in 'medical emergency' as tour cancelled. I wonder what colour he turned?

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Never believe everything you read on a toilet wall. Barbara is NOT up for a good time. What an embarrassing phone call that was.

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What's the difference between light and hard? I can sleep with the light on....

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I'll always remember the day my grandmother died. As my family stared down at the frail, skeletal form laying in the hospital bed, tears in our eyes, the only sound on the hospital ward was the steady, rythmic beeping of the machine. Beep...beep...beep... "Excuse me," I said to the nurse. "Is there any way you could turn that off?" "No," she said, not even looking up from her Gameboy.

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'...WHY did Patrick Stewart (RIP) never cover his bald head with a toupée? Because he could never get it to klingon!'

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Russell Brand, Russell Brand, Pity his poor prostate gland, It will soon be introduced, To his new cellmate's wrist and hand.

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An Italian chef was fired after refusing to put pineapple on pizza. Good for him! It's disgusting. Well, back to my scat porn. Mmm, sweetcorn.

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Them: Men only want one thing and it's disgusting! Me: Fucking wash it you filthy bitch!

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John Frieda touched me. Sasoon?

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*Knock knock* "Who's there?" "Aaron." "Aaron who?" "Aaron over your cat when I pulled onto the driveway."

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Paddy goes into a newsagents and asked."Do you by any chance still sell loosies"? The newsagent says "Yes I still do". Paddy says "that be grand, I'll have twenty please".

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It ain't "tipsy" until you need to close one eye in order to pick your drink up.... (Bout where I am now...).

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Have you seen those rainbow coloured dildos for gay men? I reckon they're pink when you buy them but then they just get stained by all the diseases.

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Looking forward to my three bird roast this year. If I can pursuade the wife and her two best friends.

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We just started a game of Monopoly, and Jamal managed to find a way to end up in jail before we even passed Go. Some things never change.

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Just seen a banner on here saying "less dad jokes & more gallows humour" That's fair enough and I apologise to Patrick Stewart's children

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My family are starting a campaign for full slavery reparations. When they freed the slaves the government paid us ten thousand pounds compensation but we have always maintained that our negroes were worth at least twelve.

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When Donald 'Grab em by the pussy' Trump originally ran for President, he misunderstood what people meant when they told him the President holds a lot of clout.

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Rogue AI was told it could harm people... and said it didn't care. I never realised I've been married to an AI for 23 years.

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I used to have a girlfriend who had ginger hair that went all down her back. There was fuck all on her head, just all down her back.

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They battered my browny wowny

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Detectives investigating Russell Brand watched hundreds of hours of his videos. I’d have confessed just to get the fucking telly switched off.

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Noncey-wonce!

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Russell Brand found guilty. The victims want him to get 40 years. 10 for raping them, plus 30 for being ugly.

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My old shoulder injury is flaring up again, so I've had to put my arm in a sling. No threesomes for me for a while.

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What do you call a deer with it's eyes gouged out? No idea? What do you call a deer with it's eyes gouged out and it's legs chopped off? Still no idea? What do you call a deer with it's eyes gouged out, legs chopped off and it's been castrated? Still no fucking idea.

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Ohio Republican Max Miller has been beaten in the midterms. Now he knows how his wife and kid feel.

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My removal man used to be a mime. Eight trips to the van and the fucking wardrobe hasn’t moved.

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I took our wedding photo to The Repair Shop. The only thing they could come up with was adding a couple of gimp masks.

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I think that the office manager at HarperCollins' London HQ missed an opportunity if they didn't play Yakety Sax (the Benny Hill 'chase' theme tune) every time David Walliams visited the premises!

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My wife said I’d grated far too much Parmesan onto her bolognese. I hadn’t even started on the other foot.

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One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, 'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows up?' The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law....

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John Frieda, celebrity hairdresser, has dyed.

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There's a lot of speculation regarding the King's impending address to former Commonwealth countries. My money's on him advising them to convert to Islam.

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Lindsay Clancy is making me think Caitlyn Jenner deserved to win Woman of the Year. Hear me out. Look at how fucked up, entitled, & retarded the Kardashian kids are and Bruce still didn't strangle them.

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A little old lady went to buy cat food. She picked up three cans, but was told by the cashier: "I'm sorry, but we can't sell this to you without proof you have a cat. Too many seniors are buying cat food to eat. Management wants proof that you are buying this for your cat." So the lady went home, brought in her cat and was sold the cat food. The next day, she comes in and tries to buy two cans of dog food and was again told she couldn't buy them without proof. So the lady went home, brought in her dog and was sold the dog food... One day later, she brought in a box with a hole in the lid and asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said: "No, you might have a snake in there." The lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box, quickly pulled it out and screamed: "That smells like shit." The lady replied: "It is... I want to buy two rolls of toilet paper please."

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I didn't realize how bad the drug and obesity problem was in Scotland. I saw a sign in a Glasgow chippy offering deep fried smack.

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I know they’re pointing the finger at North Korea for that Bitcoin hack but my Alexa has been unusually chirpy for the last couple of days.

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