I was blessed with a large penis. I would have preferred Holy Water.

0 comments

I came up behind my wife and started squeezing her tits, hoping to get lucky. But I didn't find any lumps.

1 comment

I've often wondered what it'd be like to be a fly on the wall in Finsbury Park Mosque. Crowded, I'd imagine.

2 comments

We call my grandad "Spiderman" he hasn't got any special powers, he just can't get out of the bath.

0 comments

There was a kid in my year at high school who got picked on all the time because he had Brittle Bone Disease. I'll never forget the day he finally snapped.

0 comments

I was having a lovely sleep earlier until some inconsiderate cunt decided to bounce off my windscreen

0 comments

My grief counselor died last week. She was that good at her job, I didn't give a fuck

0 comments

As we were undressing in the hotel room the prostitute said to me; 'Just so you know from the start, I don't do anal. Not for extra money, not for anything.' I replied, 'You know what? You're the worst fucking rent boy I've ever picked up.'

0 comments

I'm old enough to remember the good old days, when you could still find porn mags in bushes. And bushes in porn mags.

0 comments

My mate Dave and I were hiking through the jungle in Cambodia. Suddenly I saw a metallic disc on the ground. I bent down to pick it up, and Dave shouts "stop!!! That's a mine!!!" I replied "hell no!! Finders keepers!! And why you suddenly speaking like an Italian??"

0 comments

I was standing at the bus stop, just finishing my cigarette, when the bus suddenly left without me. "Cunt!" I shouted. I could've sworn I put the handbrake on.

0 comments

On holiday last week, you could hear the 2 fit lesbians next door having sex every night. It wasn't easy though. You had to turn the telly right down and un-plug the fridge. My favourite joke I ever saw on Sicki Don't know who posted it but hats off

0 comments

As we left the restaurant, she kissed me and said, "We should have dinner again." "I don't think so," I replied, "I'm full."

0 comments

How do you make a black man nervous? Take him to an auction.

0 comments

It's no surprise the Williams sisters were so successful at tennis. Black people have centuries of experience serving. And appearing at the courts, for that matter.

0 comments

My local authority have plans to build a sewage farm near me. It won't be popular but will bring a lot of jobs to the area.

0 comments

'Teen rapists spared jail due to intellectual limitations' Turns out the judge was a retard.

0 comments

If my wife didn't sleep with her mouth open I wouldn't get any sex at all.

0 comments

I've always stood up for black people. It's not worth getting stabbed over a seat

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London has such a caring community. I've just seen a group of homeless people giving each other the flu vaccine under a bridge.

0 comments

A lass I know posted on Facebook; 'My toddler nearly made it under the garden fence today! Lol, wood and nails will be out first thing tomorrow!' Bloody hell, crucifixion's a bit harsh.

0 comments

Most of the rock legends of the 60s and 70s died young because of their utterly reckless behaviour. Jim Morrison used to snort huge amounts of cocaine. Keith Moon washed down his anti-alcoholism pills with champagne. And Marc Bolan let his missus drive.

0 comments

The most popular final meal on death row is fried chicken. Not very surprising really.

0 comments

My sister held one of those 'gender reveal' parties when she was pregnant. She popped the balloons, and the glitter was pink. In hindsight she should've gone with blue, as her daughter was stillborn.

0 comments

I hear McDonald's has branches in Africa now. The customers must prefer them to tables and chairs.

0 comments

I've been watching a lot of "reality" porn lately. You know, where the couple go to bed and nothing happens.

0 comments

I painted my motor home pink, gave the headlights eyelashes and fitted net curtains. It's now a camper van. No, you fuck off.

0 comments

I've invented a magic beam that you can aim at any woman's head and it instantly enables you to have sex with them. Although it's technically more of a plank.

4 comments

I saw a guy wanking in front of a butchers shop... turns out he was a Welsh necrophiliac

1 comment

I'm making a fortune out of selling home security systems. The sale is easy. All I do is say "Hello." At 3am whilst sitting on the end of their bed.

0 comments

Got sacked from the zoo yesterday for leaving the lion's cage open. Who the fuck is gonna steal a lion?

1 comment

A priest gets onto his train and finds his seat, opposite a heavily pregnant lady. She stops knitting to nod hello, and the priest nods back as he takes out his thermos and newspaper. Over the course of the journey, he can't help but notice over his paper that every ten minutes the lady stops knitting, takes out a bottle of tablets, pops two, then goes back to her needles. Eventually, curiosity gets the better of him, and he spies on her pill-popping, and he's shocked to see that the bottle is marked Thalydomide. Stopping her, he stammers "Eh-excuse me m-miss, but don'y you know t-that thal-thalydomide can s-s-seriously harm your b-baby?" "Yes," she replies, "but I can't do sleeves."

0 comments

My black colleague at work was a bit upset and said, "My uncle died, he was like a father to me." "Were you very close?," I asked. "No," he replied, "I've never met him."

0 comments

I was showing my kids how to skim stones over water today but what a bunch of miserable bastards they are in the local swimming pool.

0 comments

The Paki bloke at work showed me his tattoo. "Isn't that one of those that wash off,?" I asked. "I don't know," he replied.

0 comments

Never thought I'd see anything more ironic than a guy in a wheelchair eating a bag of Walkers. Then I saw a black guy drinking a bottle of Innocent.

3 comments

I got fired from the advertising agency for proposing a new KFC slogan: The taste so savoury you'll forget about slavery!

0 comments

I sat near some Chavs on the bus home today. For the whole journey it was just 'F this' and 'F that'. Guess they had to discuss their exam results sometime.

0 comments

When people say "he's alright once you get to know him" it actually means "he's a cunt, but you'll get used to it"

0 comments

The wife and I was going through a really bad time and we made the decision together to kill ourselves. She went first then all of a sudden I felt much better.

0 comments

Breaking news: three cliff walkers fall to their death in lake district. What are the chances? they all had the same name!

0 comments

Plastic surgery used to be taboo. Now when you mention Botox nobody raises an eyebrow.

0 comments

What's red, white, fluffy and sits in a tree? Sanitary Owl

0 comments

A Frenchman walks into a library and asks for a book on war The librarian replies, Fuck off, you'll lose it

0 comments

My Muslim son is really clever at school. He's now in the same year as my wife.

0 comments

If I had £10 for every gender, I'd have £20 and a shitload of monopoly money.

0 comments

As I answered the front door dressed in high heals, stockings & suspenders, leather mini skirt and bright red lipstick, the Avon lady asked "Hello Sir, is your wife at home"?. To which I replied "Take a wild guess love!"

0 comments

Always remember when we went to see Evel Knieval's brother Klu Klux Knieval. He ran over 52 niggers with a steam roller.

0 comments

I'm so glad the world cup is on. I can hang my England flag without being accused of being a fucking racist.

1 comment

I took a girl back to my house for sex last night. After going upstairs, I slowly removed my clothes and climbed under the quilt. "You'll have to be really quiet," I whispered, "My mum & dad are asleep." "I can see that," she said, "Have you not got your own bed?"

0 comments

When I'm driving my ice cream van around the streets, my biggest fear is that one day the real ice cream van will turn up at the same time.

0 comments

Spiders are like girls. I only feel all right about touching the little ones.

0 comments

I fell asleep with my phone under my pillow. The next morning my phone was gone and there was a pound coin in its place. Fucking Bluetooth fairy!

0 comments

A foreign bloke is waiting in the immigration queue to get into Britain when a policeman approaches. "Please come with me, sir," he says. "But why?" the man protests. "We have received a tip-off that you are a violent schizophrenic who has links to several terrorist organizations and an outstanding warrant for rape." "So I am under arrest then?" he asks. "No, sir. You qualify for the fast-track queue."

0 comments

I'd never say that my sister's baby is ugly or anything... ...but let's just say I'd feel safe leaving her in a Portuguese hotel room while I went out for tapas.

0 comments

Sick of having your house burgled by niggers? Save money on home security by simply writing the words "Job Centre" on your door

1 comment

I asked my wife if I could fuck her up the arse. She said "why the hell would I let you do that?" I said "well, you take everything else the wrong way"

0 comments

A 15-year-old girl who got into difficulty swimming in the sea at a beach has died. She was described as "a bubbly person".

0 comments

There are 27 bones in your hand. 28 when you're feeling lonely.

0 comments

What's the the best thing about shagging a fat bird? You're guaranteed a cracking breakfast in the morning.

1 comment

If you don't believe in human perseverance you clearly haven't seen a smoker trying to use a broken lighter

1 comment

Everyone on earth is racist. Us whites are just better at it, like we are at most things.

0 comments

Whenever I see my wife and her sister together... I wonder where Cinderella is.

0 comments

My emo son sighed and asked, "Why am I even here?" "Because my credit card was declined at the abortion clinic," I replied.

0 comments

I asked my wife if she would like me to buy her a diamond ring for our wedding anniversary. ' I would like nothing better, ' she replied. I decided to go with that option.

0 comments

A Miss Switzerland finalist has been killed by her husband, who then put her body parts into a blender. She's now eligible for Miss Whirled.

1 comment

I threw a ball for my dog tonight. He looked fucking brilliant on the dance floor in a tuxedo.

2 comments

The wife and I went dogging last night. By the time she parked the car, everyone had fucked off.

0 comments

How do you get a pikey to take a bath? Leave it outside the front of your house.

0 comments

Why does Pornhub think women over 40 are " barely legal"

1 comment

What's the difference between a military base and a school? Don't ask me, I only fly the drone.

0 comments

The school phoned me and said "Can you come down, your son has been telling lies again" I said "Well tell him he's good, i haven't got any kids"

0 comments

What is the difference between a pair of Levi jeans and an Ethiopian woman? There is only one fly in the crotch on a pair of Levi's.

0 comments

I really hope England wins. Not the World Cup, I mean us versus the Muslims.

0 comments

Why did the Paki cross the road? Dunno, but both sides of the road smell funny now.

0 comments

Just got myself one of those expensive diver's watches. Couldn't carry the drowned cunt's SCUBA tanks though.

0 comments

I came home and my wife was sat there with loads of famous rappers. Twix, Snickers, Mars, Kit Kat, Curly Wurly...

0 comments

Dad died of asbestos poisoning It took bloody ages to cremate him

0 comments

Rioters in Belfast have attacked several Chinese restaurants in an orgy of wonton destruction

0 comments

My wife and I were very upset when our son died due to his chronic heroin addiction. On a brighter note,we don't have to eat our soup with a fork anymore.

0 comments

I went to see Jo Brand. She walked on stage and I shouted "don't get your tits out!"

0 comments

In 1066 William the 1st assembled 2000 Normans in France ready to invade England. What followed, was the most confusing roll call in history.

0 comments

I once had sex with this really hot black girl. Got to the scene before the fire brigade.

0 comments

If male footballers have WAGs what do female footballers have? WAGs.

2 comments

Sheep shaggers belong behind baas.

0 comments

Some people complain about genetically modified food, but it's flying off the shelves.

0 comments

A mermaids vital statistics: 24-36-£4.99 a kilo.

0 comments

Chicken is so expensive, I've started catching seagulls. You have to cook them quick though, or they eat all your chips.

0 comments

For legal reasons, newspapers are often forbidden from printing pictures of child abuse suspects before they are convicted Which might explain a thing or two about the Prophet Mohammed

0 comments

I wish they would bring back plastic straws. I find it quite tiresome having to strangle turtles with my bare hands.

0 comments

I applied for Disability Benefit on account of my alcoholism. As I told the assessor, I can't even take twelve steps.

0 comments

You can always tell a guy masturbates a lot, by his hands If you look closely, you'll see a wedding ring

0 comments

If you leave a dog in a car in this weather, with no water or ventilation, it could be dead in fifteen minutes Leave the heater on as well, wait another thirty minutes and the meat just falls off the bone.

1 comment

Only half of my patients who come to my clinic survive. I'm a brilliant abortionist.

0 comments

My son took his first steps this morning.. the window cleaner is fucking furious

0 comments

A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps. She gets sent for some test, and they come back a week later. "Well, I hope you're ready for endless sleepless nights of crying and changing dirty nappies!" the doctor says. "You mean I'm pregnant?" the woman replies. "No, it's bowel cancer."

0 comments

Q: Why do Welsh race horses run so fast? A: They've seen what happens to the sheep!

0 comments

I tried to pronounce the name of my new medication and I think I accidentally summoned Satan.

0 comments

It's difficult to love myself when I'm not even my type.

0 comments

I was going to have a brain transplant... but then I changed my mind.

0 comments

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. I know that now.

0 comments

If I win the Lotto I'll make sure that none of my friends or neighbours is poor. I'm going to move to a wealthy neighborhood.

0 comments

I phoned the tinnitus helpline today. It just kept ringing.

0 comments

I hate being out at night, alone and scared that somebody might shoot me. I don't even know why I became a rapist.

0 comments

Bagpipes are the only instrument that, when you learn to play them properly, sound exactly the same as when you started.

1 comment

I just invented a new word. Plagiarism.

0 comments

I always sweat a lot when I have sex. Probably due to the wool in my balaclava.

0 comments

You know it was a good Christmas party when your P45 arrives at your house before you do.

0 comments

My 4 year old daughter came into my bedroom and said, "Daddy, I'm scared. Can I sleep in your bed?" "No," I replied, "I'm not having that fucking monster follow you into my room."

0 comments

Abdul and myself were walking past a school when an absolute stunning young girl around 14 came out of the gate, she has everything, huge tits, long dark hair, a voluptuous arse and a beauty of a natural Spanish senorita. "Fuck me, " said Abdul, "I'll bet she was fit when she was younger. "

0 comments

Probably the sickest joke I ever wrote. Abdul my next door neighbour came round crying and distraught, "My baby girl has died in her cot in the night he cried. " "Oh dear, " I said trying not to laugh, "never mind Abdul, just think of her as another virgin in paradise now for your brave soldiers. "

1 comment

Did you know that white people own more dogs than black people. That's because it's illegal to own black people now.

0 comments

A woman on a dating site sent me a message saying, "Wow, your absolutely gorgeous. How come your still single?" It's spelled "you're", I replied.

0 comments

chatting to a young girl in the pub last night i said to her " so what do they call you then?"....she replied " vivaldi", so i said " is that after the great composer?".... she said, " no, its because my name is viv and i work at Aldi"...

0 comments

Been watching Portugal playing Congo, and I'm sorely disappointed. Didn't see a single one of them drinking UmBongo.

0 comments

A few years back, I arranged to meet a policeman via a chat room. When I opened the door to meet them, there was a 12 year old girl standing there.

0 comments

I upset a girl once who'd just been raped by telling a joke about rape. Well, I say a joke, it was more a sarcastic comment really as I was doing my flies up.

0 comments

I met my girlfriend when I brought a baby pigeon with a broken wing to their animal rescue group. Catching the pigeon was the hard part.

0 comments

Found a documentary box set about the making of The Vagina Monologues. I'm minge-watching it.

3 comments

I saw a sign today that said, 'Watch for Children.' I thought, 'That sounds like a fair trade,' but apparently, that’s not what it meant.

0 comments

My granddad downed nineteen aircraft during his military service in World War Two. He's actually still famous as the worst mechanic the RAF ever had.

0 comments

I was involved in a very traumatic and violent mugging. On the plus side I got a nice watch and 20 quid.

0 comments

How do you turn a 110lb weakling into a man of steel? Polio

0 comments

My uncle had the luck of the Irish. He didn't win the lottery or anything, he was killed when his car exploded.

0 comments

Woman stumbles into the Police Station. "Help, I've just been raped by two council workers!" The policemen look bemused and ask "How do you know they were with the council?" She shouts "I had to do all the fucking work!"

0 comments

Just had a sage and onion enema. I got to be honest, It's knocked the stuffing out of me.

0 comments

Found an old fashioned chip shop and they still wrap your meals in newspaper. Today I got a plaice in the sun.

0 comments

Several women have made complaints against David Sullivan, saying that he demanded sex from them in exchange for promoting their modelling careers. I mean, I'm shocked. Who would have thought an 80s porn baron would be such a sleazebag?

0 comments

Saw this old man with one leg leaning on a cash machine. I asked him if he's okay and he replied."Yes son I'm just checking my balance".

1 comment

I used to date a Jewish girl, but it didn't end too well. One time I invited her round to my place for a curry. She turned up and said, 'How's dinner coming along?' I replied, 'Well, I've just put your naan in the oven.'

0 comments

Looking forward to the world cup. Ethiopia against Hungary should be a good game.

0 comments

I tried to get into a support group for people with Tourette's Syndrome, but they told me to fuck off.

0 comments

I bought a pair of epileptic trousers. I had to take them back as they didn't fit.

1 comment

There was a kid in my year at high school who was allergic to water. Well, I say 'allergic'. He drowned.

0 comments

Why don't sharks eat niggers? It's because they think it's whale shit.

0 comments

I've just had a log burner fitted,but it's so much easier to just flush them.

0 comments

I go to the gym most evenings. I don't do any exercise, but after watching the young lasses working out in their Lycra and Spandex, I like to go home for a nice protein shake.

0 comments

Porn has ruined my life. My boilers fucked and I'm scared to call a plumber

0 comments

I watched some German scat porn earlier, it was disgusting! The bird in it had hairy armpits.

0 comments

I've created a burlesque show featuring women who are missing arms or legs. It's called Amputease.

0 comments

I wondered why so many beautiful young girls are doing scat porn now. I guess that's their business.

0 comments

Stayed in a five star hotel in Nigeria last week. I knew it was five star because the chef washed his hands after he had a shit.

2 comments

I am proud to announce that I have finished writing my book. It is called, How The Internet Ruined Our High Streets. Available to download from Amazon on Kindle for £1.99.

0 comments

A white man stumbles into the police station with a black eye. "Officer, I'd like to report an Islamophobic assault." "Of course, sir. What happened?" "I was in the park and these men came up to me and started beating me because I'm a Muslim convert." "How did they know you were a Muslim convert, sir?" "I assume one of their kids must have told them I'm circumcised."

0 comments

My wife and I watched three movies back to back last night. Fortunately I was the one that was facing the screen.

2 comments

As Starmer's premiership collapses, several MPs have been desperately trying to shore up support for the beleaguered Prime Minister. 'We fully support Sir Keir staying in post and maintain complete confidence in his ability to deliver us a working majority in the 2029 elections,' a spokesman for the Reform Party said yesterday.

0 comments

My fat wife and gay son HA!! got you!! bet you thought wasp was here

4 comments

As I drove my date home, she said, "I can't believe you support grouse shooting." "I didn't say that," I replied, "I said I like to kill birds on the moors."

0 comments

I'm not saying I live in a hard area., but the other night I went to a pub quiz and the first question was... "What the fuck are you looking at?"

0 comments

Warning: This movie 'MAY' contain nudity? Either it does or it doesn't, don't waste my fucking time.

1 comment

My wife is leaving me and taking the kids because of my obsession with horse racing. They are at the gate now, and they're off....

2 comments

I've put my Rottweiler on a vegan diet. So far, he's eaten three of the cunts.

0 comments

Walking around Liverpool with my missus she said to me, "What are all these bits of chocolate bars that are left everywhere? I've seen loads, " "They're Mars bars, " I replied, "it's the bit that helps you work. "

0 comments

"Who's a pretty boy then,?" I said, as I pushed a dry cracker through the bars of the cage. "I want my mummy," he sobbed.

0 comments

I went to the shop on my bicycle and bought a bottle of whiskey. As I set off home I thought, "If I fall off my bike, the bottle of whisky will break. I'd better drink it now." Lucky I did, because I fell off seven times on the way home.

0 comments

Two flies decided to have a race from one side of a black man's lips to the other. The first fly went flat out all the way and was shocked to see the second fly already there,relaxing in a deck chair. ' How did you manage to get here before me, ' said the first fly. ' I took a short cut round the back of his head, ' replied the second fly.

0 comments

If it grows hair and has milk..its a mammal...like the coconut..

0 comments

My mate has OCD, so I bought him a picture of the Leaning Tower of Pisa. He's going fucking nuts trying to hang it straight.

0 comments

Just about to watch Big Naughty Anal Sluts 3, but if I haven't seen the first two, will I still be able to follow the story?

1 comment

I slept with my best friend's wife last night and now i feel terrible. She must have given me a cold or something.

3 comments

My wife says and does the nicest things. Just this morning she said, "I'm taking the kids and leaving you."

0 comments

It had been playing on my mind for some time and I just had to find out. ' Mum, am I adopted? ' I asked. ' No,son ' she replied. 'We did put you up for adoption once but nobody wanted you.'

0 comments

There's a woman in our pub who is so ugly that if she gives you a blowjob it counts as anal.

0 comments

The doctor told me I should take up something that gets me out of the pub. So I've started smoking.

0 comments

I had only been seeing my girlfriend for two weeks when she was killed in a car crash. The first time I met her parents was at the funeral.What a pair of miserable bastards they were.

0 comments

What's the best thing about dating a homeless girl? You can drop her off anywhere.

0 comments

' Why does everyone think that Chinese people look the same,father? ' said the small Chinese boy. ' I don't know, ' replied the man, ' and by the way,I am not your father. '

0 comments

I like my steaks rare. Tonight I'm having panda.

0 comments

Did you know... Black men's semen is more nutritious than white men's? It contains more calories. I have no scientific proof. It's just that their girlfriends are always fat cocksucking whores.

0 comments

Our mum died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to "be positive" but it’s really hard without her.

0 comments

We were waiting to pick the kids up at the school and I said to the bloke next to me, "Look at the arse and the size of those tits on that little blonde fucker there, I'll rattle the arse off her as soon as she reaches sixteen. " "Do you mind? " he replied, "that's someone's daughter you know. " "Yes, I do know, " I answered, "mine. "

0 comments

I took my son to see Santa today, but as soon as he sat on his knee he started crying. "What's wrong?" I asked. "It's this job mate, I fucking hate it"

0 comments

I saw a woman in Tesco struggling to control her kids. She looked really stressed. Then she accidently knocked over and smashed a bottle of milk. She dropped to her knees and burst into tears, surrounded by spilled milk. It reminded me of something my dad used to say to my mum, so I walked over to her and said; "Get a fucking grip, you stupid cow."

0 comments

I phoned the Child Abuse Hotline. A kid answered, called me a cunt and told me to fuck off.

0 comments

Being kissed in your sleep is the purest form of love unless you're home alone or in prison.

0 comments

I never see any niggers out jogging round our estate. They must be using Persil. It stops coloureds running.

0 comments

My new girlfriend is an insufferable, teetotal vegan. She never shuts up about animal rights and eats nothing but fruit, nuts, legumes and wholegrain muesli. On the plus side she is very skinny. And her shit tastes great!

0 comments

Women are like spiders. I don't mind seeing one or two from time to time, but the big hairy ones can fuck right off.

0 comments

Teacher asked the children in her class "If your mother was a cartoon character who would she be"? Little Mary says "My mummy would be Cinderella because she looks just like a princess". Little Lucy says "My mummy would be Penelope Pitstop because she's a brilliant driver". Little Johnny says "My mum would be called Kung Fu Panda" so the teacher asked "Why is that Johnny". He replied. "You should see the black eyes my dad gave her when he came home early and caught her sucking off the window cleaner".

0 comments

Is it "For fuck's sake" or "For fuck sake"? It's for a work email so it has to sound professional.

0 comments

'Mum, what's for dinner?' 'Spaghetti Bollock Knees.' 'You mean Spaghetti Bolognese?' 'No, I've been to Aldi.'

0 comments

Just seen this nigger walking across a zebra crossing and he was saying "Now you see me, now you don't, now you see me, now you don't".

0 comments

I just read that you're 80% more likely to get attacked at night. That’s why I only rape during the day. Stay safe out there!

0 comments

I once hired a professional dominatrix. She wanted fifty quid for the hour, but I managed to talk her up to a hundred.

0 comments

During WW2 my grandad flew a Spitfire against the Germans. Meanwhile my grandma got spitroasted by the Americans.

0 comments

At the cinema last night, for a laugh I flicked a few peanuts at a lass sitting a few rows in front of me. She didn't half overreact! Well, the paramedics called it Anaphylactic Shock.

0 comments

I've just ordered and paid for a stripper for my wife's birthday I hope she likes her.

0 comments

I've started a women's only gym so they don't have to deal with all the creepy guys hitting on them while they work out. Just ignore the sounds coming from behind the mirrors.

0 comments

Did you know that before they were famous, the members of Blondie all worked at the suicide hotline? They weren't very good. They left me hanging on the telephone. (Yes, yes, fine. I'll fuck off)

0 comments

I rang my mate this morning and asked what he was doing. He replied "probably failing my driving test"

0 comments

The recipe said to put the food in at 180 degrees. Now it's all over the bottom of the fucking oven.

0 comments

I have a terrible sexually-transmitted disease. Children.

0 comments

My son's special school threw him a party today for his birthday. Many happy retards!

0 comments

Elton John's gotten really fat lately. Goodbye normal jeans.

0 comments

My house is built on an Indian burial ground. Although technically the house was here first.

0 comments

The news says that teen depression is at an all time high. You fucking miserable bastards, you can get free anal porn on your phone! When I was your age I had to wank off to Challenge Anneka.

0 comments

I went to the doctor's and told him "That medicine you gave me to make me strong... well I can't get the top of the bottle".

0 comments

The BBC recently covered a harrowing story about how many Afghans have been forced by extreme poverty to sell their own daughters. "The price of food is just so high," said Bilal, a 38 year old Afghan father. "I had to sell my daughter into sexual slavery just to buy enough bread for the rest of my family to eat. Now even that has run out." "What will your family do now?" asked the reporter. "There is no choice," Bilal sighed "We will have to switch to Tesco's own brand."

0 comments

Why do black women wear high heels? To keep their knuckles from dragging.

0 comments

I overheard David Sullivan deep in conversation. "... listen, if you're nice to me, I'll be nice to you. Now, how about that blowjob, sweet cheeks?" I don't know what Sullivan replied, but his cellmate sounded deadly serious.

0 comments

In honour of Pride Month, I'm seasoning my chips with salt from Lot's wife.

1 comment

Have just won a ticket for the world cup final but I'm getting married on that day so does anyone what to take my place. The venue is st Bede's church, Widnes and the bride is Lucy

0 comments

How many spastics does it take to change a lightbulb? Fuck knows. The first one smashed it on his forehead.

0 comments

I'll never forget the time there were two girls fighting over me in the street. I called the police. They said "it's not an emergency" I said "it is, the fat bird's winning"

0 comments

One for our older readers: I was in the pub with my wife. She said "stop looking at that bar maids bust" I said "I hadn't really noticed dear, I'll have pint of Titbread Wankard please"

1 comment

I was getting ready to leave the house this morning when an advert on the telly said, 'Work smarter, not harder.' So I phoned in sick.

0 comments

Ex-Channel 4 News host Jon Snow reveals he has Alzheimer's. He found out when he started thinking valuable antiques were going missing from the house but his nigger wife assured him they never had any in the first place.

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I never take a shower, wash my clothes or clean my teeth. It may seem disgusting but according to the adverts on TV doing those things will make your skin turn black.

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Having a clear out of crap on my phone and found this old thing - it made me chortle, so thought it was worth a post… A teacher calls her P1 class in from play time. She goes up to little Sally and asked "Sally, what did you do at break?" "I played in the sand pit" said Sally. "Good” said the teacher, “Now, if you can spell the word 'sand' on the black board, I'll give you a freshly baked cookie". So, Sally spelt the word correctly and got a cookie. Then little Billy comes in. "Billy, what did you do at break?" asks the teacher. "I played in the sand pit with Sally", replies Billy. “Good” said the teacher, “Now, if you can spell the word 'pit' on the black board, I'll give you a freshly baked cookie". So, Billy spelt it correctly and got a cookie. Then little Mohammed came in from the playground. "Mohammed, what did you do at break?" Asked the teacher "Billy and Sally threw stones at me Miss!" Was Mohammed’s reply. "Hmm, that sounds like blatant racial discrimination” said the teacher. “If you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination', I'll give you a freshly baked cookie.

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I was taking the trash out the other day when the neighbour's kids saw me and yelled "GINGER PAEDO!" I can't believe they would make such false accusations. I'm actually more of a strawberry blond.

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A married man goes into the confession box and says to the priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman". The priest says, "Almost? What do you mean, almost?" The man replies, "Well, we kissed and both got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest then says, "Rubbing together is the same thing as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say 10 Hail Mary's and put $100 in the poor box." Then man then leaves the confessional, says his prayers, and then walks over to the collection box. He pauses for a moment, and then starts to leave. Meanwhile, the priest is watching all this time, and quickly runs over to him saying, "Hey, I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box."   The man replies, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $100 on the box, and according to you, that's the same thing as putting it in!"

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The band Massive Attack re-released their 1998 album Mezzanine in 2018, in a spray-paint format with the music digitised and encoded into DNA contained in the paint. Sounds like a pioneering move, but I painted my sister's Beyonce album sleeve with some DNA years before that.

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The Queen Mum dies and goes to heaven. Just past the pearly gates she meets Princess Diana. "What a nice halo my dear," she says. "Fuck off you sarky cow," Di replies. "You know damn well it's a steering wheel."

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I asked the waiter how they prepare the chicken. They said they tell the chicken up front they're going to die.

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Sorry I haven't been in touch recently, there was a blackout on our street, we weren't allowed out till they shot the cunt.

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A dog just chased me up the road on my bike. Fuck knows how it reached the pedals.

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Religion, same shit, different deity.

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Say what you want about Muslim women, they make excellent Bee keepers

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I just love the smell of chlorof.....

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Wizard of Oz is the ultimate chick flick about two girls trying to kill each other over shoes.

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What do you call an all black abortion clinic? Crime Stoppers!!

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What do you call a bunch of black guys in a barn? Antique farm equipment

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How do you know when your cabbage is boiled? It's wheelchair rises to the top.

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I've been sober for 30 days now. Not in a row, just over the past 20 years.

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I cracked a joke with my therapist. She sighed and wrote something in her notebook. Bitch is trying to steal my joke!

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Pop star Kylie Minogue reveals she was given a cancer diagnosis for the second time in 2021, in an interview to promote her new single Light Up. 'Light Up'? No wonder she keeps getting cancer.

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I tried to submit a joke about Madeleine McCann but it just disappeared.

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You know when you get that urge to eat something just because it's there? Well I lost my job as a Gynecologist today Quote: Original Sicki

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Hamas has announced that they have murdered all Jewish hostages. Israel is celebrating because they don't have to pay any ransoms.

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When Kier Starmer says we must tackle antisemitism wherever we see it, does that mean we can all go Paki Bashing like we did in the 70's

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Donald Trump says he 'wasn't worried' by the shooting incident at the White House Correspondents' dinner. He told reporters, 'It all went exactly as we rehearsed.'

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I dropped the soap in the prison showers this morning. A big nigger, with a cock like a python, handed it back to me. "Nice try, you ugly cunt," he said.

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"Come in number 9 your time is up" "Boss, we’ve only got 8 boats." "No 6 are you in trouble?"

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I hate it when there isn't any toilet paper and you have to do that stupid walk with your trousers around your ankles. Anyway, I'm nearly at the corner shop now.

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I remember when I was at school a policeman came in and did a talk on drugs. We couldn't understand a word he was saying.

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My dad used to slave 12 hours a day to put food on the table I've never known a man cook so fucking slowly.

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What do a puppy and a nearsighted gynecologist have in common? A wet nose.

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I met my wife when we both worked at the abattoir. She was stunning.

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Did you know that Kerry Katona doesn’t actually own a cat.

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There's a big orange rabbit walking round our village telling everyone that I'm not taking my medication.

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I asked my Greek girlfriend if I could try it in the 'other hole'. "No,"she replied, "I don't want to get pregnant."

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I sleep better when I'm naked. I just wish the passengers on this flight were a bit more understanding.

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Don't get one of those rescue cats. My gran had one, she fell, and the cat just literally sat there and did nothing.

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My phone rang unexpectedly. ' Hello, this is Mr Richardson here, your son's music teacher. ' ' Hi,how can I help you? ' I asked. ' I think we have another Elvis on our hands, ' Mr Richardson said. ' Really! I didn't realise he was so talented, ' I replied. ' He isn't.We found him dead in the toilet when he went for a shit, ' Mr Richardson said.

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As my wife lay in the coma the doctors approached the life support machine. "No, no, please," I sobbed, "just a little while longer. ' But my pleading didn't help. They woke her up.

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I broke up with my girlfriend when she confessed that she used to walk the streets and fuck random people. I could never date a traffic warden.

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Sadly my obese parrot has died from over eating . At least it's a huge weight off my shoulders .

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A man phones his wife late at night. ' Where the fuck are you? ' the wife screams. ' I'm in hospital and I'm lucky to be alive.When I left work I collapsed in the car park.Fortunately,Tina was there and she carried out CPR until the ambulance came.The doctor told me I had a massive heart attack.' says the man ' Who's Tina, ' asks the wife.

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I went into an Ethiopian gift shop, "Have you got an I am four birthday card please?" I asked. "Sorry, " said the shopkeeper, "we've never needed them. "

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I do an evening of stand up comedy and jokes for the patients at our local Hospice every six weeks. It always goes down very well. The good news is that I never need to change my act.

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I said, "The second best way to have sex with a woman is to be funny." "What's the first?," she asked. "A knife," I replied. "Haha," she laughed, "you're funny." "Good choice,"I said.

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Minnesotta general warning..... "Watch out for Ice when driving"

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Jake Paul felt like he was hit by a truck Anthony Joshua.... hold my beer!

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I walked into the pub and shouted, "All Muslims are cunts." A bloke stood up and said, "I'm offended by that." "Are you a Muslim,?" I asked. "No," he replied, "I'm a cunt."

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I went to a meeting of the "I Feel I'm Being Stalked" support group. I knew everybody there... but they didn't know me.

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I just read that the chap who drove into the crowd in Liverpool has been sentenced to 21 years…which ironically is how long the scousers will keep on about it

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I bought a gun because I have a fear of eagles. "You're getting carried away," said my wife. "Not without a fucking fight I'm not," I replied.

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"...and on that bombshell..." For once, he's not being sarcastic.

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Coming soon to Amazon Prime: Clarkson Buys the Farm

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I've often wondered, if I was stuck on a desert island with a gay guy, no women around, no animals, and every day we are both working really hard to survive and getting leaner and more muscular, if one night a crate of whisky washes up and we were really drunk sitting by the fire underneath the stars... How long before I killed him and cooked him on the fire?

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Guy walks out of a public toilet in a London park as another fella is a walking in. "I'd give that 20 minutes, mate, if I were you!' "Aw, you dropped a reeker? A stinker?" "Nah. I just murdered a prostitute."

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What was Jeffrey Dahmer's favourite dinner? Mr Faggot's Brains.

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Trump faces criticism over White House UFC event. Changed times, indeed. That gaudy spectacle had none of the grace and dignity of the Obamas' KFC event.

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When I was about 14, a Catholic priest took me aside one time. He said, 'Listen to me, my son; every time you pleasure yourself sexually, a kitten dies.' And for years I believed that, but not any more. Now that I've perfected my technique, they often survive.

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Channel 4 is making an adult themed re-enactment of the Battle of Waterloo! I've got Napoleon's Boner part

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The Japanese had a black goalie last night. You'd think they'd have at least yellowed him up.

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I’m not saying I hate my neighbors, but if their house caught fire and I had the only hose, I’d probably use it to wash my bike.

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When I was young, our family was so poor we had to wank the dog off to feed the cat.

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How do you stop a dog humping your leg? Pick it up and suck it off.

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I have a habit of ruining the end of films for my family About 10 minutes before it's due to finish I start wanking off the dog

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An Israeli man 'cried tears of relief' on learning that his daughter had been murdered by Hamas, rather than taken hostage. He told reporters, 'Oy vey! For a while there I thought I might get asked for a ransom.'

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What do you call a Scouser in a suit? A) The deceased. B) The accused.

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Last night the wife said, 'Right, you, out. My favourite film, Dirty Dancing, is on tonight and I want to watch it in peace. I'm not having you sitting there making snide remarks all the way through it, so you can just go on down the pub with your mates!' I staggered home after closing time, and she was still up. She said, 'How was the pub, then?' I replied, 'Well, I've had the time of my life...'

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Why did the pervert cross the road? He had his cock in the chicken

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My granddad's nickname was also spiderman... ...that's what the local paper called him because he ran around in a mask surprising strangers by shooting sticky white stuff at them

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I don't know exactly what happened to that poor lad who was found dead in Michael Barrymore's swimming pool, but having read the autopsy results I think someone probably had a hand in it.

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I joined a dating site. A woman wrote "Looking for a man who will be the reason I close my account." After a couple of weeks of threatening to rape and murder her and her whole family she finally did. I love helping people.

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The most popular final meal on death row is fried chicken. Let me guess, watermelon for dessert?

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A woman is eagerly waiting for news about her son, who is taking his driving test, when the phone rings. "Hello?" she says, nervously. "He's passed," says the voice on the other end. "First time? That's wonderful!" the woman says. "No missus, I mean he died in the ambulance ten minutes after smashing into that HGV."

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What type of file would you use to make a small hole a bit bigger? A peodaphile.

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An Irish prison gang boss calls his enforcer, Big Seamus into his cell. "Alright, lad," he says. "That skinny fecker in 4B still owes me money and hasn't paid up so I want you to make an example of him." "What do you want me to do to him, boss?" says Big Seamus. The gang boss reaches up to a shelf, takes down two heavy tins of baked beans and gives them to his enforcer. "Put those in a pillowcase and then pummel his face with it until his own ma won't recognise him." Big Seamus leaves and comes back forty minutes later, exhausted and drenched in sweat. "Did yer batter him?" the boss asks. Big Seamus shakes his head. "He's tougher than he looks, boss," he says, panting with exertion. "I was beating him with the pillowcase for ages but he didn't even flinch! He just stood there fecking laughing at me!" The boss lets out a long sigh. "Seamus, yer fecking eejit," he says. "The beans were supposed to still be inside the tin."

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How did the Scouser get into university? Crowbar.

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I just saw a Gemma Collins lookalike contest. Turns out it was just the queue outside Weight Watchers.

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What do you call a Jewish detective? Shylock Holmes

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What do the English do immediately after winning the FIFA World Cup? Turn off the Playstation.

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My white van was dirty and I saw my cheeky neighbour write "WASH ME" in the dirt. So I got a screwdriver and scratched "PAINT ME" on her BMW.

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A dyslexic mate of mine joined a poetry club, as he thought it might help with his condition. I've never heard him come out with any poems yet, but he's made some pretty nice jugs and vases and stuff.

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How long does it take a man to make the breakfast, get the kids to school, do the shopping, do the housework, wash the clothes, pick the kids up from school and make the dinner. It doesn't it's a woman's job.

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Kate McCann's looking a bit pale these days. It's been a long time since she was lying in The Sun.

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This bloke asked me to take part in a charity run, so I said "piss off, no chance" and he said "arr, go on mate it's for blind and spastic kids", and I thought Fuck it, I could win this...

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I gave my daughter away at her wedding yesterday. Got a bit plastered before the speeches, and ended up announcing that she's been shagging the best man.

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My wife and I are very competitive. But I'm more competitive than her.

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I used to post a lot of jokes about the Moors Murderer's victims but they always got buried.

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What you call a bear with no paw? Rupert the bastard!!

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"Never go to sleep on an argument" Stay up and win!

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There's a new children's game about Henry Nowak’s death. Died and Sikh.

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They say one in ten people are unaware they could be living nextdoor to a pedophile. I know I don't. I live nextdoor to a respectable married couple. Who have a sexy four year old daughter.

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I've just bought an LG TV with BT broadband. All I can get is programs about the sexualy confused.

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You can always tell if a baby is Italian. The nipple on their dummy has hair round it.

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I can't believe what just happened. Some flash solicitor just turned up on my doorstep and handed me a court summons for libel over some stupid joke I posted about my neighbour Mohammad shagging a goat. "I don't understand..." I spluttered as he passed me a mound of legal documents. "You published false and disgusting allegations regarding my client's sexual proclivities that have seriously damaged his reputation and good standing in the community and thus he is seeking damages against you," the solicitor said. "I understand that," I said, still white with shock. "But how the fuck did a goat hire a lawyer?"

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What do Katie Price and Katie Piper have in common? They both in some way had their face splattered on by Niggers.

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Whats the worst thing about licking a bald pussy? Taking the dirty nappy off beforehand

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I've just bought a polo shirt and it's got a massive hole in it.

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A female Royal Navy pilot died in a helicopter crash that also killed two male crew members. She was trying to put it into reverse.

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My Glaswegian cousin had a problem with drugs, but his real passion in life was doing Prince songs on karaoke in the pub. Last week he achieved his finest ever homage to the man. He was found dead from an overdose in Paisley Park.

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I once knew a guy who died from mercury poisoning. He got AIDS from the lead singer of Queen.

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I was having an argument with my mate Dave in the pub about which British based male singer had the most distinctive voice, he decided to start canvasing other customers in the pub; The first person he asked said "Definitely George Michael . . . or perhaps Elton John?" The next person he asked said "It's bound to be Freddie Mercury . . . or perhaps Will Young?" He asked another person, they said "It's got to be Marc Almond . . . or is it Boy George?" Another customer suggested "Definitely Mika. . . no wait, it might be Olly Alexander?" The last person he asked said "Probably Jimmy Somerville . . . or maybe Holly Johnson?" Dave was getting really frustrated by this point and snapped "For Christ's sake, can't anyone give me a straight answer?"

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The worst thing about having a daughter with cancer is that you can't pull her hair while you're fucking her.

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I can only agree with Peter Mandelson when he says that Number 10 needs "a complete revamp." I mean, those curtains, darling. And with that wallpaper.

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My Muslim wife wanted to try swinging. Before that she went on the roundabout and the slide

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Why did Princess Diana cross the road? She wasn't wearing her seatbelt.

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There have been reports of a dogging site appearing in a Surrey village. It's right next door to a school playground and there have been a lot of complaints. Quite right too, who wants noisy kids putting you off.

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What do you call an elephant with a spade? Dawn French and Lenny Henry

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I called my girlfriend from my best mate's phone. She answered, "Hello, big dick." How did she know it was me?

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Quasimodo was sat watching television when his wife walked past carrying a wok. ' Are we having stir fry for tea? ' asked Quasimodo. ' No, I'm going to iron some of your shirts, ' his wife replied.

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What's the worst thing about your mum getting murdered on your 18th birthday? Being tried as an adult.

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I accidentally drank some invisible ink. I'm now in hospital waiting to be seen.

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The "modern" definition of incest: When you can taste your dad's fanny on your mum's cock.

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My wife has new job as a traffic warden. I think the power has gone to her head. I'd just finished fucking her last night and she said "that will be £40 please" I said "for fuck sake, I was only in there 2 minutes"

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Who's the best family butcher in Essex? Jeremy Bamber.

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Why did the Paki swap his wife for a toilet? Because the toilet had a smaller hole and it smelt better!

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Two Muslims walk into a bar boom boom

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A bus load of pykies goes over a cliff (whoopee!) and when they get to the pearly gates, St Peter says, "Sorry guys, but we don't have enough room, 10 of you will have to go down to purgatory. You'll have to decide amongst yourselves." So the pykies start to squabble and when St Peter can take no more he says, "Ok, ok, I'll go have a word with the boss." He goes to see God - "Err. Excuse me god, we've got a bus load of pykies outside the gates and not enough space, can you come down and have a word with them?" God agrees and heads with St Peter back towards the gates. When they get closer, St Peter exclaims, "What the hell?! They've gone!" God, "What? All 40 of them?" St Peter - "Not the pykies... the fucking gates!"

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When she screamed at me, "You've lost the best thing that ever happened to you.", I started panicking. For a moment I thought someone had stolen my dog.

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I called the incontinence hotline. "Please hold..."

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What's the difference between the current sickipedia and Futurama? There's only one Bender on Futurama

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I am anti abortion. I've got no problem with killing babies, it's just that I'm not comfortable with allowing women to have a choice.

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I was devastated to find out that Mr Potato Head is very ill. He has a brain tuber.

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They say that laughter is the best medicine. No wonder all the people on the cancer ward are so sick. They're a right miserable bunch of cunts.

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This global warming concerns me just as much as acid rain did in the 80's. I didn't give a fuck about that either.

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Three Scouse girls return to their block of high rise flats. The nine year old points to a small puddle on the stairs and says, ' That looks like sperm. ' The eleven year old dips a finger in and says, ' It tastes like sperm. ' The thirteen year old dips a finger in and says, ' It is sperm ,but not from any of the men in this building. '

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I threw a punch at my wife's chin and missed. Luckily, I hit the one below it.

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I learned two things today: 1. My computer can beat me at chess. 2. My computer is useless at kickboxing.

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I know my rights. Every question I was asked, I responded with 'No comment'. Anyway, she doesn't want to go on a second date.

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My doctor told me to stop drinking so I decided to make a massive change in my life. It's going to take some getting used to. I've been with that doctor for twenty years.

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The doctor asked, "Do you drink, take drugs or have gay sex?" "Yes," I replied. "What are you doing tonight?," he said.

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After visiting Sickipedia.net earlier, I’ve decided to liven my day up by going onto my dead gran’s Facebook profile..

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I met a man who used to play the triangle in a Jamaican Reggae Band but he got fed up and left. He said it was just one ting after another.

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18:54 Arrive at crime scene. 18:54 Examine body. 18:54 Search the area. 18:54 Find the murder weapon. 18:54 Realise watch has stopped.

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My son asked me if he was adopted. "Of course not," I replied, "I wouldn't have chosen a useless little cunt like you."

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I went on an African Safari and got lost. Somehow,I stumbled across a tribe that rarely makes contact with society. ' What do you do with yourselves all day? ' I asked the chief. ' We hunt and fuck, ' he replied. ' What do you hunt, ' I enquired. ' Anything we can fuck, ' he said.

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I saw some black guys spray painting their names on a wall and decided to join them. I'd only done the first three letters of my name when they started beating the shit out of me. I guess they don't like people called Nigel.

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Let's give this Dry January a go then.......

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I've been paying the Cat's Protection League every month for over three years. I only missed two payments and they came around and broke my cat's legs.

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This vegan shit has now got out of hand. They're selling plant based alternatives to vapes. They are calling them cigarettes.

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I went to visit my Jewish neighbour yesterday, and found him stripping the wallpaper off the walls. I said "Doing a bit of renovating are you?" He said "No, we're moving house."

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What has 3 doors that will never be opened? Chris Rea's advent calender.

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My wife won me over with the line "I love the big bulge in your jeans, it really excites me!" Eventually I realised she meant my wallet!

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My wife was getting undressed in the bedroom. I said "move away from the window would you, the neighbour's will think I married you for your money"

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Coming soon to Amazon prime : Clarksons chemo

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I've been out of work for six months now. Need to find a job as soon as possible because I've now got a Scouse accent.

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I use dating sites to find girls with Down Syndrome, so I can sexually exploit them. Or as I call it, playing Poke A Mongo.

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I have a terrible track record for keeping pets. That's the fourth hamster I've lost so far this year. If it doesn't turn up soon I'm going to A and E.

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Son of Norway's crown princess is found guilty of rape and jailed for four years. He's about to get more than a silver spoon rammed up his arse.

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"It was very poignant last night. We played against a country with awful humanitarian conditions; barely any access to fresh drinking water. The population could succumb to disease or violence at any moment. Families live in slums. Law & order is non-existent. We are moved" That was a statement from the Haiti squad after playing Scotland yesterday

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Scotland beats Haiti 1 - 0 in the World Cup. It was like a snake eating a rat, I didn't know who to go for.

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The Englishman has his interview first, and for the last question the brewry owner asks "If you could put your pub anywhere in the world, where it be?" The Englishman responds "Id have a pub next to Buckingham Palace, withall those tourists you'd rake the money in" The Scotsman comes in after the Englishman and he is also asked the same questions. After thinking what his answer would be for the last question he responds "Id have my pub built into Ibrox, can you imagine how much all those football fans drink?" Lastly, the Irishman has his interview, the interview goes really well, and the Brewery owner is very impressed by this mans knowedge of Guinness and the like. Finally the Brewery owner asks the final question "If you could put your pub anywhere in the world, where it be?" The Irishman answers immediatley "Id put mine in Ethiopia" The Brewery ownwer asks in amazement "Why would you put your pub in Ethiopia?" The Irishman reponds "Well have you seen the beer bellys on those guys?"

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Superman was flying through the sky when he saw Wondergirl laying naked on top of a building with her legs wide open. Superman took off his underwear, unzipped his trousers, and dived right in. Invisible man screamed like fuck.

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How many blacks does it take to tile a roof? 3 if you slice them thinly.

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​I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run inside and tell my wife, but then I remembered why I was digging in the garden.

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England's boots and the team's training equipment were stolen in transit from Florida to Kansas. What a break. A gifted excuse.

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Enlishman, Asian and a Australian walk into a bar, sit down and order a pint each. The Asian finishes his pint, puts the glass down, pulls out a gun, and blows the glass to pieces. "we have so many glasses where i come from, we never need to drink out the same one twice." The Australian finishes his pint, puts down the glass and pulls out a gun, and blows the glass away. "where i come from, we have got so much bloody sand to make new glasses with, we never need to drink out the same one twice" The Englishman calmly finishes his pint, puts the glass down on the table. He draws his pistol, shoots his two drinking companions, smiles at the barman and says "we have so many fucking foreigners in this country, we don't need to drink with the same one twice"

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Paddy was walking along the street struggling carrying a wardrobe on his back and across the road Seamus sees him so he shouts over to Paddy."Hey Paddy why didn't you ask your best friend Mick to give you a hand"? Paddy shouts back "He is giving me a hand so he is,.. he's inside carrying the clothes".

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Jesus and Moses are fishing in a boat. "Gee," says Moses, "I wonder if I can still do my old trick." So he reaches his staff out over the water, and "FOOM!" the water parts! "Yes, yes!" Moses shouts. "three thousand years later, I still got it!" and closes the water back up. "I wonder if I can still do my old trick," Jesus wonders. He steps out over the side of the boat and promptly starts to sink like a stone! Moses helps pull the coughing and sputtering Jesus back into the boat. "Wow, Jesus," Moses says, "I'm sorry you couldn't do your old trick." "Well," Jesus replies, "last time I did it I didn't have holes in my feet."

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What's pink and smells of Holly? Ian Huntley's cock!

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Find a penny, Pick it up, And all day long You'll have good luck.* *Advice not valid in prison showers

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"The Lottery is just a tax on stupid people." Said my dad as he read The Guardian at £3.50 a day.

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The Queen was very upset at Princess Diana's funeral. But he still played the piano well.

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I saw this video of a bouncing baby boy earlier, and it's had me chuckling away to myself all day. That LiveLeak site has some fucked-up dashcam footage.

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Q. what's brown, 8 inches long and starts with a P? A. a shit

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I've been waiting for 5 hours in A&E after getting covered in camouflage paint and I still haven't been seen !

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What's blue and fucks teenage girls? Me in my lucky blue tracksuit.

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What do Jack the ripper and Thomas the tank engine have in common? Same middle name.

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Pest Ham.

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An Englishman, Welshman and West Indian are in hospital, waiting for their wives to give birth. There is quite a bit of pacing up and down when the nurse comes out and happily announces that they are all fathers of bouncing baby boys. "There's just one problem" she says. "Because they were all born at the same time we got the tags mixed up and we don’t know which baby belongs to whom. Would you, as their fathers, mind coming to identify them?" The men agree and walk into the delivery room and look at the babies. Immediately the Englishman stoops down and picks up the black baby. "Yes, this is definietly my baby" he says confidently. "Um, excuse me" says the West Indian "but I think it's fairly obvious that this is my son" The Englishman pulls him aside and says "I see where you're coming from mate but one of these babies is Welsh and I'm not prepared to take the risk"

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What do you call the flesh surrounding a vagina? A woman

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There's 26 players in the world cup squads. Argentina Algeria and Austria all face Jordan. My money is on old Katie. 78 men are nowhere near enough.

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Have you ever wondered what happened to all the animal shit Noah had to shovel off the Arc? Christopher Columbus discovered it two thousand years later.

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I attended my first session of "mysanthropes anonymous" last night. Nobody else turned up, which is just as well as I bet they're all cunts.

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When I was young I was very tall. I was as tall as the world's largest bird. But nobody wanted to know me. I was ostrich-sized.

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Statistics inform us that: Nearly ⅓ of British children are obese. & Most British children have had sex by the time they reach 16 years old. This poses the question . . . Who's fucking all the fat kids?

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What do Sikhs hide in their turbans? Their race cards.

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Met a deaf guy with one arm. Quite the speech impediment.

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My wife complained her tits were too small, so I told her to rub a piece of toilet paper between them every day. She said will that really make them grow bigger? I said well it certainly worked for your arse.

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Porn is so unrealistic these days. How can 10 guys piss on a woman and not even one of them lets out a fart?

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Canada & Mexico share the world's thickest international border.

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What's the difference between a yogurt and The USA ? If you leave the yogurt alone for 200 years, it develops a culture

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In Ireland's worst air disaster a two-seater Cessna aeroplane crashed into a graveyard, they've recovered 500 bodies already, digging is set to go through the night.

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I caught AIDS off Freddie Mercury When he told me he was sick, I screamed "Bugger me!!"

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Why was Robert Maxwell like Freddie Mercury? They were both found in fishnets. Nod to Allobosca.

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Last night I slept 8 hours straight. Except for the 2 hours of hardcore gay orgy dreams. Nod to DraigGoch

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Paddy: ' I organised my first threesome last night. ' Mick: ' How did it go? ' Paddy: ' The sex was unbelievable. ' Mick: ' So,why do you look so fed up? ' Paddy: ' I forgot to include myself in the numbers. '

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How many women with PMT does it take to change a lightbulb? It's an irrational number.

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Statistically, nine out of ten people enjoy........ never mind.

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"Murrell bought 108 lavatory rolls hours before Sturgeon told public not to panic buy" How many did he buy when he heard he was going to be charged?

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Which cheese is the most harmful to your health? Freddie Mercury's.

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Whilst I was heading home from the pub the woman in front of me started walking a bit faster, so I walked a bit faster. She started to run so I started running. Then she started screaming so I started screaming. I never did find out what was chasing us.

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2 taxi drivers having a pint: 'I love picking up tipsy women. They always give me a big tip.' 'Well, I love picking up paralytic women. I always give them a big tip.'

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A man phones into work one monday morning: man: i can't come in today, i'm sick boss: what's the matter? man: i cut up my wife with a chainsaw then raped my 6 year old son boss: will you be in tuesday?

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I've been that skint for ages, I can't tell you..... but there is light at the end of the tunnel. I just need my really ill Nan to walk towards it.

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Did you hear about the reverse exorcism? The devil couldn't get the priest out of the boy

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Why did the Romans build straight roads? So Indians couldn't build corner shops

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What's the advantage of getting a blowjob off an Ethiopian? They always swallow.

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Q: What's the difference between God and a Psychiatrist? A: God doesn't think he's a Psychiatrist.

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How did the farmer find the sheep in the tall grass? Satisfying.

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Whaddaya call a Japanese homo? Tak Mashita.

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You're either non-binary or you're not.

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8 things you should never say to a woman if you want a stress-free life: #1: 'Hello.'

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What turns a fruit into a vegetable? AIDS.

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What's red and hangs off the back of the train? Miscarriage.

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Thought I’d post my favourite joke of all time first up . Bloke walks into a pub and shouts “ ALL MUSLIMS ARE CUNTS” To which someone stands up and replies “ I find that highly offensive “ “Why are you a Muslim ? “ “ No, I’m a cunt “ Credit someone else , somewhere else

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I saw Kier Starmer in Ikea today. Must have been looking for a new cabinet

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Some young pikey lads came into my local last Friday night. They started noising people up, trying to pick fights and generally acting the cunt. One of them pointed at me and said, 'Oi, mate! Your Mam takes it up the arse for two quid!' I looked him up and down and replied, 'You'd better start saving up, then.'

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Rare historical fact, in 1784 the Irish invented the toilet seat ,in 1785 the English put a hole in it.

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A rich woman has been lonely all her life; so puts an ad in a Lonely Hearts column saying, "Lovely gentleman wanted - to share life, love and fortune with. Conditions: 1) Won't beat me up 2) Won't run away 3) Good in bed." Predictably she gets hundreds of offers, but none are suitable. Eventually she answers her doorbell to see a man with no arms and no legs. "Who are you?" asks she. "I'm your dream husband!" replies he, "I've got no arms so I can't beat you up and no legs so I can't run away." "Are you good in bed?" "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

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What's yellow and lives off dead beetles? Yoko Ono

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I enjoy masturbating twice a day. The other three times are a bit of a chore.

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Alice and Eddie, a middle-aged couple had been finding it increasingly difficult to pay their bills in Starmer's Britain. When a £300 electric bill arrived Eddie said "There's only one thing for it my love, you're going to have to go on the game!" So Alice got scrubbed up, put her most alluring underwear on and Eddie dropped her at the docks, "I'll pick you up at 4am, make sure that you get at least £300!" 4am arrives, Eddie pulls up next to the docks and Alice climbed into the car looking a bit disheveled, immediately she announced "I have enough to pay the bill, and a bit left over". Eddie asked "How much did you get altogether?" "Three hundred pounds and fifty pence" she replied. George, slightly surprised, said "Well done my love, but who on earth gave you fifty pence??!" Alice, looked puzzled and answered, "They all did!"

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My neighbour accused me of stealing her underwear off her clothesline. I was so surprised I nearly shit her knickers.

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With anti-Semitic attacks on the rise and the terror level threat increased I just want to say that all this shoehorning cheap puns into jokes at the expense of Jewish people are an abomination Anne Frankly they need to stop.

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I was walking down a street in Saudi Arabia holding my boyfriend's hand. I don't know where he is, but the stupid twat must have stolen something.

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The wife said she's had enough and wants us to try separate beds. Hers will be in Manchester and mine will be in Cardiff.

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A cop stops a little old lady driving a Mini. He jokingly asks, "Any weapons in the car?" "Yes," she replies, " a .38 in the glove box, a 9mm on my ankle, a .45 on my hip and a pump action on the back seat." "Bloody hell," says the cop. "What are you frightened of?" "Fucking nothing," she replied.

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"Don't believe everything you read on the Internet." Abraham Lincoln 1862

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Had a bit of a row with my girlfriend in the pub last night and she ended up going off with 2 blokes in their van! Bloody paramedics.

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I went to the mortuary to identify my wife's body. When they removed the sheet I started sobbing uncontrollably. It wasn't her.

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The doctor said to me, "You'll be at peace soon." "Am I dying?,"I asked. "No," he replied, "Your wife is."

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When I die people are going to say two things. Some will say, "He was a miserable, racist bastard." Others will say, "Yep, you're right."

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just bought a new present for my wife that i think might liven her up a bit in the bed. Its a defibrillator.

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I saw a book advertised on the internet that guarantees to reduce your debt by 50%. I ordered two copies.

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What's 10 foot long and stinks of piss?? Conga line in an old peoples home

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If the Americans had known how much trouble the niggers were going to cause they'd have picked the cotton themselves.

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Hamish lived a very frugal life in the Highlands. One day he came home to find his cottage had been burgled. His few possessions had been scattered across the floor but nothing had been stolen. Hamish noticed that the burglar had taken a shit in the big pot of stew he had made that morning. Hamish was annoyed that he had to throw half of it away.

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I'm not saying I'm a hard bastard... but my birth mark is shaped like a coat hanger.

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I recently discovered that a man has been sending my wife sexy lingerie in the post. All I'll say is this: Watch your back, John Lewis. Watch your fucking back.

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A black man picks up a white woman in a nightclub. When they get home the woman says, ' Come on then,show me what they say about black men is true.' So he stabbed her and stole her purse.

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Irony...The assisted dying bill has run out of time

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Many years ago,the Spanish discovered a new country and they called it Argentina, which means ' land of silver '. Then they discovered Nigeria.

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I was parked in a disabled zone, when a traffic warden knocked on my window. "What's your disability then?," he asked. "Tourettes," I replied, "Now fuck off, you cunt."

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A famous artist who had brown fingers. Picasso.

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My brother said, "I've just seen your girlfriends number written on a toilet wall. " "So fucking what, " I replied, "how do you think I met her. "

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Paedophiles are nasty, irritating bastards.But,to be fair,you will never see them speeding near schools or nurseries.

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I went to the dentist today and he said I should have a crown. I thought, At last! Someone who really understands me.

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The Flintstones cartoon has been syndicated to parts of the middle East. Apparently the people of Dubai don't like it. But the people of Abu Dhabi do!

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A solicitor calls his wealthy art collector client and says, "Sir Ian, I have some good news, and I have some bad news." The client replied, "I've had an tough day. Give me the good news first!" The lawyer said, "Well, I met with Lady Pamela today, and she informed me that she just invested £50,000 in some pictures that she thinks will soon be worth about £50 million, I've looked at them and I think she could be right." Sir Ian replied enthusiastically, "Wow, that's incredible, my wife is a shrewd investor and I never even knew it, you've just made my day! Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?" The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and some rent boys in a motel."

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Just received my Valentine's card off Moonpig. She hates it when i call her that.

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I went to visit my wife in hospital and took her flowers. My girlfriend will love them.

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For Valentine's Day I'm giving my girlfriend something very special, a bottle of vintage perfume. I got it in Salisbury in 2018.

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I was playing loud music on the stereo yesterday morning, my neighbours loved it! They were banging on the walls requesting "Sunday Bloody Sunday" and Eminem's "Kill You". Nod to Gungho_ED.

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Q: How do you stop a paki from choking? A: No one knows because no one has ever tried.

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There is one thing that white men and black men do have in common. They don't like bringing up black kids.

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I know a chap who works for the FBI.. He pretends to be a 13 year old girl and chats online to child molesters and stalkers all day.. I don't know what he does for the FBI.

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I said to my mate, "Did you know that hamsters die after sex?" "I don't think they do," he replied. "Well, the one I fucked did," I said.

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When my wife saw my face, after all this time, she burst into tears. It was then that she realised... Witness Protection is a joke.

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I bought a alcoholic ginger beer. He wasn't happy.

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After cutting my female neighbours grass she knocked on my door and said "Thank you, I could marry you!" What's the world coming to, you do something nice for someone and they threaten to fuck your life up beyond belief?

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A young mum I know posted on Facebook "My toddler crawled under the garden fence today lol. Nails and wood will be out tomorrow." xxx I thought, fucking hell, crucifixion seems a bit harsh for just doing that ......

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What's rude and very aggressive? Me you fat cunt

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I told myself I shouldn't drink so much. However, I'm not going to listen to a drunken cunt who talks to himself.

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The teacher called little Johnny to her desk and said, "The essay you wrote about your pet dog is word-for-word the same as your brother's. What do you have to say for yourself?" "Of course it is!" said little Johnny. "It's the same fucking dog!"

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Our family were so poor that my mother used to send me next door with a button and ask our neighbour to sew a shirt on it.

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There's two reasons I won't give money to beggars. 1. They'll use it to buy alcohol. 2. I want to use it to buy alcohol.

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Found an old lamp whilst I was out walking yesterday.When I gave it a rub a big genie popped out and granted me three wishes. For my first wish I asked the genie to make Keir Starmer the worst Prime Minister in British History. The genie told me I still had three wishes left.

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My daughter's kitten died, so I got her another one. Now she's got two dead kittens.

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A bloke shouted across the lake..:"how do I get to the other side"?.. I shouted back....." Your on the other side"!

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At her front door she kissed me and whispered in my ear, "Would you like to stay here tonight?" "No," I replied and walked away. Why would I want to stand outside her house all night?

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I don't believe that elephants are being poached in Africa. Those niggers don't have pan big enough or any water.

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What's the difference between a baby and a trampoline? You take your boots off before jumping on a trampoline.

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Every New Year's Eve I go to the annual Bulimic's Ball. It's always heaving. (and there's no fat birds)

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I've just started reading my first ever Braille horror story. I think something bad is about to happen... I can feel it.

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When I was in high school there was a girl in my class called Bernie. Her full name wasn't Bernadette or Bernice, it was Susan. She just had 3rd degree burns all over her face.

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Some people say I'm a bigot but at least I'll admit there are 37 genders. Male, female and 35 kinds of faggot.

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"Do you think I'm sexy with lingerie on or completely naked?," asked my wife. "No," I replied.

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When my grandad was in Auschwitz, he managed to secretly smuggle things out to my nan who he missed dearly. It was just small things, mainly gold fillings and coins.

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What's red and white and flies through the air on Christmas Eve? Depressed American people's brains.

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I'm conducting scientific research regarding men having sex with dogs. If anybody wants me I'll be in my lab.

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So I'm decluttering my house using that one simple rule - if you haven't used it in the last year, get rid of it. First item: fire extinguisher.

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At this time of year, spare a thought for those who struggle to put food on the table. Midgets?

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I used to have a nice house and a nice car until my mate introduced me to drugs. Now I have a yacht and a Caribbean island.

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I was doing some home renovations and, when I knocked through my bedroom wall, I found a full furnished hidden room. Then I remembered that I live in a block of flats.

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Nobody was interested in my carpentry class. Then I offered to teach them how to make glory holes. Now they're all coming out of the woodwork.

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Thanks to supergalley for setting up this new site. The old one was about as much use as a gloryhole in a lesbian bar.

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I walked in on my little sister giving her fanny a battering with a jumbo cucumber and got annoyed, "I was going to eat that later!" Obviously I didn't eat it later because it would have tasted of cucumber!

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I rang Rochdale A.F.C about a place for my wheelchair bound wife at the ground. "Well I think she'll be ok, " I was told, "but she'll probably have to play in goal. "

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My wife came running in from the garden screaming, "A SNAKE, A SNAKE. " So I quickly went out to have a look, "Whats seventeen plus thirty two? " I shouted at it. "Forty nine, " the snake hissed back. "It's ok, " I shouted to my wife, it's not poisonous, it's only an adder. "

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My missus has just told me that shaving takes the weight off my face. So I suggested she shave her arse.

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I came up behind my wife and starting feeling her tits, hoping to get lucky. Unfortunately I didn't find any lumps.

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A man walks into a barber shop and looks at the barber. He says, “How long until I can get a hair cut?” The barber looks around his shop and then says, “Three hours.” The man says okay and then leaves. Three hours go by and he doesn’t come back. A few days later the man is back at the barber shop. He asks, “How long until I can get a hair cut?” The barber looks around and says, “About two and a half hours.” The man nods and then leaves and he doesn’t come back. The man does this for a while. One day he comes in again and asks, “How long until I can get a haircut?” The barber, a bit hesitant, says “About an hour, you can chill here if you want.” The man shakes his head and says, “It’s okay. I’ll be back,” and he leaves. The barber looks at one of his friends and says, “Follow that guy. I wanna know what he’s doing.” The friend nods and follows the stranger. When the friend gets back he’s laughing. The barber says, “Where did he go?” The friend says, “To your house.”

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A woman walks up to the bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre. So he gives it to her.

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What do they sing at woke Christmas parties? We wish that you hadn't said that, We wish that you hadn't said that, We wish that you hadn't said that, And we know where you live! 🎅🎄❄️☃️🎁🦌

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What's better than winning gold in the Special Olympics? The taste of the windows inside the Sunshine Variety Coach that took you there! p.s. Why are they called 'Variety Coaches' when all the kids inside look the same?

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I often read a joke and think, "What a cunt. That's not funny." Then I press "Submit."

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I was telling a mate how i recentley met this woman. i told him "She's like a real fox.", "is it because she's really hot" he asked.." no" said me, " its because she's hairy and eats out of bins"....

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My mates all say I’m a bit of a pub scarecrow. I stand in the corner and frighten all the birds.

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My new girlfriend said I should buy her some flowers. I said why spend money on something that's going to be dead in a few days?

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Why don't blind people skydive? Because it scares the shit out of the dog.

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How do you fit 4 gays on a bar stool? Turn it upside down.

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I went to school with someone who was quite sexually precocious and who quickly built up a reputation for being a bit of a legend. They were honoured with the nickname 'Shagger Davies'. To be honest, she really hated it!

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Why didn't Karen Carpenter ever visit Ethiopia? She couldn't deal with the sight of so many fat people

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: Baby cannibal "Mummy I really hate my dad's guts". : Mother cannibal "Well just leave them on the side of your plate".

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Whaddaya call a gay Teletubby? Stinky Winky.

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What do you call a Korean who masturbates into his own footwear? Hwan Kin-sok

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When Michael Jackson died, dozens of young children gathered at the gates of the Neverland ranch. Police officer shouted "FOR GOD'S SAKE! SOMEONE FIND A LOCKSMITH AND SET THOSE KIDS FREE!!"

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It's such an unfair world. Gary glitter rides a little girl, and he gets 6 years in prison. Christopher Reeves rides a horse and he gets the electric fucking chair!

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This was after the pakistani earthquakes... Whats the odd one out, a crab, a shark or a pakistani? The shark. All the rest are crushed-asians!

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And I would walk five hundred miles, And I would walk five hundred more, Just to be that man who went to have, A piss in fucking Wetherspoons.

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American singer and comedian Oliver Tree has died in a helicopter crash in Brazil, according to local reports. Tree felled by chopper.

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This prostitute I know sucked off this nigger and she can no longer open her mouth. She had a gob full of gorilla glue.

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A guy goes to the Doctor worried that his dick has turned bright orange. Over a period of several weeks and all sorts of tests the Doctor fails to diagnose the condition. “This is really baffling”, said the Doctor. Let’s start at the beginning again”. “For instance - from when you get up in the morning what do you do all day?” “Not a lot really,” said the guy. “Generally I just watch porn and eat Wotsits"

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My gay neighbour said, 'I've got a blind date tonight. Oooohh, I hope he's handsome!' I replied, 'What does it matter? You'll mostly be looking at the back of his head anyway.'

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The wife and I went to Mumbai and stayed in a cheap hotel. The place was an absolute pit: filthy, thick with flies and absolutely pungent. The owner led us through the grimy, cockroach infested corridors to our room and just when we thought it couldn't get any worse he opened the door to reveal two huge cows just sitting there inside the hotel the room! "I hope you don't mind having a couple of roommates for the night," the owner said. "They are actually very clean but if you don't want them here I can put them in the yard." "You can't be serious!" I said. "Of course we don't want them in our room!" "Sorry, sir," said the owner. "I wasn't talking to you."

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An alien landed in my garden last night and said "take me to your leader" I said "I would but you'll be wasting your time he's useless"

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At school my nickname was Spiderman. I wasn't good at gymnastics, it was because my uncle got murdered.

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What did Diana and the queen mum have in common??? They both died pushing 105

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Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70? At 69 she gets a frog in her throat.

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Apartheid Airways...Seth Effrican Airways 747 is about to plunge to earth unless some passengers are dumped overboard. Captain says "we will do this in alphabetical order. First, any Africans, blacks or coloureds?" No answer from the passengers. The little black boy asks his dad, "aren't we African or black?" "No son, today we are Zulus"

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Landlord of the pub and advertised barmaid wanted. Three women arrived and had one question for them. "You're working behind the bar and you noticed a £20 note unattended what would you do"? The first one said "I'll ask around if anyone is missing a £20 note and if no one claims it I'll put it in the charity box". The second one says I'll ask around and if no one claims it I'll put it in the tips glass". The third one says"I'll look around to see if no one is watching me and if not it's going straight into my purse ". Who do you think he gave the job to. The one with the biggest tits.

0 comments

Bill Gates got the Clap off one of Epstein's girls. Still not punishment enough for producing that Windows Vista shit.

0 comments

A gorgeous, big-titted blonde hopped in the back of my taxi. "Where to love?" I enquired. "How about your place." she purred. "Okay," I replied, "that'll be about £45 though, it's quite far away."

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A woman goes into the butchers and asked him "Do you keep dripping"? The butcher replied "Yes I do and it's very embarrassing".

0 comments

Mickey Mouse is filing for divorce from Minnie. The judge asks: "So Mr. Mouse, you are filing for divorce from Mrs. Mouse on grounds of insanity." "No, Your Honour," Mickey replies, "for infidelity." The judge checks his notes, "But your papers say insanity." "I didn't say she was insane," Mickey explains, "I said she was fucking Goofy."

0 comments

What's the definition of suspicion? Hotdogs with veins

0 comments

Dad died of asbestos poisoning It took bloody ages to cremate him

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Did you hear the one about the acid bath killer. The soft cunt lost his hand taking the plug out.

0 comments

What's the diff between a black man and a bike? A bike doesn't sing "Old Man River" when you put the chain on it.

0 comments

This mean looking cowboy walks into the saloon and asks for a bottle of red-eye. He says to the bartender "I've noticed they are getting the gallows ready outside how they hanging"? The bartender says "well ain't you heard stranger, they is hanging Brown paper Pete". The cowboy asked "why they Call him Brown paper Pete". The bartender tells him "Well ol' Brown Pete he wears a brown paper Stetson hat,a brown paper jacket,a brown paper waistcoat, brown paper chaps right down to his brown paper boots". The cowboy asks "why they hanging him". The bartender replies "For Rustling".

0 comments

I was walking past a school playground and from over the fence I heard all the kids chanting "13,13,13!" So curious, I looked through a hole in the fence, and felt a sharp pain in my eye. Then all the kids started chanting "14,14,14!"

0 comments

No no Katie, a Hob Nob is not a quick shag on top of the cooker

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My last relationship didn't work out, but at least I have full custody of the kids. They're still in my nutsack.

0 comments

What’s the difference between a nurse and a helicopter? Not everyone has had a ride on a helicopter

1 comment

What's pink and hard? A pig with a flick knife.

0 comments

It really amazes me how uncaring and self-centered most people are these days. Just yesterday there was this old man who tumbled down the escalator at the local shopping centre and couldn't get up. Would you believe not a single person stopped to help him? The poor bloke was still there when I left an hour later.

0 comments

Tips from Wales on how to get the most satisfying sex - Wear Wellington boots, you can slip the ewe's back legs into them, stops them running away. Fuck right on the edge of a cliff, makes the ewe push back harder! Always practice safe sex; paint an 'X' on the back of all the sheep who bite or kick!

2 comments

The Spanish discovered a new country and named it Argentina, meaning "Land of Silver". Then they discovered Nigeria.

0 comments

A young Greek boy is walking in the hills above his hometown when he happens across an elderly man who is sat on a rock quietly weeping. The boy walks up to the man and asks him what is wrong, he replies: "Look down there to the harbour young man, what do you see? Lots of boats, fishing boats, I made half of those boats with my bare hands. Do they call me Nikos the boat-builder? No they do not! Look to the edge of town, just there, a dozen houses. I built all of those houses from the ground up with just my hands and the sweat of my brow, do they call me Nikos the house-builder? No they do not! One time, one goat . . ."