I had a phone call from my son's headmaster. "I'm afraid to tell you that a group of Asian lads ganged up on Michael and stuck his head down the toilet." "Little bastards. Is he OK now?" "Unfortunately not. They cut it off first."

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I was walking back to my place with this fat bird I'd pulled. I said "have you got any lube with you?" She said "oooh, have you got a big cock" I said "no, a narrow front door"

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News: 5 arrested for fly-tipping. There’s a real dip in quality of Enid Blyton’s writing.

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My mate died in an accident with a cement lorry. There's already a statue of him.

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My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner. ....so I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

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It will take some effort to get the coffin lid down.

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Worst solar eclipse ever! 1 star

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My blood pressure is quite high so my doctor told me to eat more vegetables, leafy greens, kale, spinach etc. It tastes like shit but I just put loads of salt on it.

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I was blessed with a large penis. I would have preferred Holy Water.

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The families of the five pikeys killed in the A66 crash have gathered at the scene of the accident, to see if there's any scrap metal still lying around.

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I saw my mate who has no legs yesterday waiting at the bus stop. I said "alright Dave , how are you getting on?"

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My Mrs says I'm crap at fixing appliances. Well she's in for a shock...

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Congratulations to Bonnie Blue on this big milestone… First time she’s had to guide someone OUT of her minge.

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29 years on, and I can still remember where I was and what I was doing when I heard Diana was dead. I was at the all-night panel beaters in Paris, getting my white Fiat Uno fixed.

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What's the difference between a black woman from the 1800s and a black woman today.. The type of lashes they get.

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My kids are scared of flies. They always start to cry when I unzip mine.

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Suicide must be ruled out There's no way Jason Arday did that himself

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I went on a date with a girl whose Tinder profile said she had an 'infectious smile'. She had cold sores.

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My friend from America is visiting me and he told me that he done a good deed today by holding an elevator door open for a spastic. I told him that kind of talk is not welcome in this country. In England we call them lifts.

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Sure is sunny this week! I've got such a good tan, earlier today I went into Patel's corner shop and he told me to fuck off back to my own country.

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I've often wondered what it'd be like to be a fly on the wall in Finsbury Park Mosque. Crowded, I'd imagine.

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Never thought I'd see anything more ironic than a guy in a wheelchair eating a bag of Walkers. Then I saw a black guy drinking a bottle of Innocent.

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I can always tell if a woman has a good sense of humour. Just by feeling her breasts.

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Common English mistakes: Using they're instead of their. Using an apostrophe to indicate a plural. Letting Pakis into the country.

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I refused to believe I was gay and dyslexic. I was in Daniel.

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A vehicle has ploughed into crowds at Berlin Pride. The suspect reportedly had a beard, was shouting “Allahu Akbar”, wearing a suicide vest and fled the scene on a goat. Police are urging people not to speculate about the motive.

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I bought an R Kelly album once. There was a warning sticker on the cellophane. It said, 'Please keep this rapper away from babies and young children.'

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I've always stood up for black people. It's not worth getting stabbed over a seat

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Of course black lives matter. A dead slave is useless.

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If Adam and Eve had been Chinese... they would have eaten the snake.

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I must have really pissed off the wife when we had a go at erotic asphyxiation. She's been lying there for five days now,giving me the silent treatment.

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What's bitter, smells of onions and comes in a curry sauce? That Deliveroo driver you didn't tip.

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What's better than 2 dead coppers? 5 dead pikeys.

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I like my neighbours like I like my teeth. Straight and white.

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I can't understand why there are so many black people in TV adverts. We haven't been able to buy one for two hundred years.

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An Imam told me that throwing bacon at a Muslim is as offensive as throwing dog shit at them. Anyway, long story short, I'm now saving a fortune on bacon.

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I saw a post on my local community group on Facebook: 'MISSING: Our 3-year-old tabby cat, Oscar. He is recently neutered, wears a collar bell to alert birds, and we feed him a vegan diet.' I replied, 'And you're surprised he fucked off?'

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What's the worst thing that can happen when you are fucking your sister? The cot breaks.

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I'm old enough to remember the good old days, when you could still find porn mags in bushes. And bushes in porn mags.

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We call my grandad "Spiderman" he hasn't got any special powers, he just can't get out of the bath.

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I was standing at the bus stop, just finishing my cigarette, when the bus suddenly left without me. "Cunt!" I shouted. I could've sworn I put the handbrake on.

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I was having a lovely sleep earlier until some inconsiderate cunt decided to bounce off my windscreen

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Definition of Obscenity: Anything that gives the judge an erection.

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My brother and his family are moving to Glasgow. Well I'll be a junkie's uncle!

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Temperatures are soaring in England, with many ponds and lakes expected to dry up completely this week. Which will be handy as it will help the police find all the dopey kids who drowned while swimming in them last week.

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A ticket inspector banged on the door of the train toilet and said "where's your ticket?" I shouted FFS I'm having a shit! " He said" I don't believe you, pass it under the door" I said "there you go, the yellow bits are sweetcorn"

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The homeless problem would be solved if the Big Issue had tits in it

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I won first place in a political correctness competition the weekend... Though to be fair, so did everyone else.

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My dog bit a black guy the other day so the police told me to have him chipped. You should see the difference, he now operates at 16 Nigger bytes a second.

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Gambling brought my family closer together. We had to buy a smaller house

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