I was blessed with a large penis. I would have preferred Holy Water.

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I came up behind my wife and started squeezing her tits, hoping to get lucky. But I didn't find any lumps.

1 comment

I'm old enough to remember the good old days, when you could still find porn mags in bushes. And bushes in porn mags.

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We call my grandad "Spiderman" he hasn't got any special powers, he just can't get out of the bath.

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I've often wondered what it'd be like to be a fly on the wall in Finsbury Park Mosque. Crowded, I'd imagine.

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And in animal news, a little boy has learned to be careful what he wishes for after asking if he could feed the crocodiles at the zoo.

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My mate Dave and I were hiking through the jungle in Cambodia. Suddenly I saw a metallic disc on the ground. I bent down to pick it up, and Dave shouts "stop!!! That's a mine!!!" I replied "hell no!! Finders keepers!! And why you suddenly speaking like an Italian??"

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I was standing at the bus stop, just finishing my cigarette, when the bus suddenly left without me. "Cunt!" I shouted. I could've sworn I put the handbrake on.

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There was a kid in my year at high school who got picked on all the time because he had Brittle Bone Disease. I'll never forget the day he finally snapped.

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I was having a lovely sleep earlier until some inconsiderate cunt decided to bounce off my windscreen

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I had a phone call from my son's headmaster. "I'm afraid to tell you that a group of Asian lads ganged up on Michael and stuck his head down the toilet." "Little bastards. Is he OK now?" "Unfortunately not. They cut it off first."

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I was playing pool in the pub last night. As I leaned in to take a shot my buddy said, 'Watch the black, mate!' I replied, 'Why, is he near my jacket again?'

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My grief counselor died last week. She was that good at her job, I didn't give a fuck

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How do you make a black man nervous? Take him to an auction.

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As we were undressing in the hotel room the prostitute said to me; 'Just so you know from the start, I don't do anal. Not for extra money, not for anything.' I replied, 'You know what? You're the worst fucking rent boy I've ever picked up.'

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My local authority have plans to build a sewage farm near me. It won't be popular but will bring a lot of jobs to the area.

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'Teen rapists spared jail due to intellectual limitations' Turns out the judge was a retard.

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If my wife didn't sleep with her mouth open I wouldn't get any sex at all.

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On holiday last week, you could hear the 2 fit lesbians next door having sex every night. It wasn't easy though. You had to turn the telly right down and un-plug the fridge. My favourite joke I ever saw on Sicki Don't know who posted it but hats off

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As we left the restaurant, she kissed me and said, "We should have dinner again." "I don't think so," I replied, "I'm full."

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'Cabinet turns on Starmer' Is there anything that doesn't give him a boner?

1 comment

It's no surprise the Williams sisters were so successful at tennis. Black people have centuries of experience serving. And appearing at the courts, for that matter.

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I've always stood up for black people. It's not worth getting stabbed over a seat

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I saw a guy wanking in front of a butchers shop... turns out he was a Welsh necrophiliac

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London has such a caring community. I've just seen a group of homeless people giving each other the flu vaccine under a bridge.

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I saw a middle-aged man in a terrible wig and shouted "Oi, what do you identify as faggot?" As it turns out, it was a really bad start to my trial!

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Being kissed in your sleep is the purest form of love unless you're home alone or in prison.

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A lass I know posted on Facebook; 'My toddler nearly made it under the garden fence today! Lol, wood and nails will be out first thing tomorrow!' Bloody hell, crucifixion's a bit harsh.

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Most of the rock legends of the 60s and 70s died young because of their utterly reckless behaviour. Jim Morrison used to snort huge amounts of cocaine. Keith Moon washed down his anti-alcoholism pills with champagne. And Marc Bolan let his missus drive.

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The most popular final meal on death row is fried chicken. Not very surprising really.

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My sister held one of those 'gender reveal' parties when she was pregnant. She popped the balloons, and the glitter was pink. In hindsight she should've gone with blue, as her daughter was stillborn.

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I hear McDonald's has branches in Africa now. The customers must prefer them to tables and chairs.

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I've been watching a lot of "reality" porn lately. You know, where the couple go to bed and nothing happens.

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I painted my motor home pink, gave the headlights eyelashes and fitted net curtains. It's now a camper van. No, you fuck off.

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Plastic surgery used to be taboo. Now when you mention Botox nobody raises an eyebrow.

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I've invented a magic beam that you can aim at any woman's head and it instantly enables you to have sex with them. Although it's technically more of a plank.

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I'm making a fortune out of selling home security systems. The sale is easy. All I do is say "Hello." At 3am whilst sitting on the end of their bed.

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Got sacked from the zoo yesterday for leaving the lion's cage open. Who the fuck is gonna steal a lion?

1 comment

A priest gets onto his train and finds his seat, opposite a heavily pregnant lady. She stops knitting to nod hello, and the priest nods back as he takes out his thermos and newspaper. Over the course of the journey, he can't help but notice over his paper that every ten minutes the lady stops knitting, takes out a bottle of tablets, pops two, then goes back to her needles. Eventually, curiosity gets the better of him, and he spies on her pill-popping, and he's shocked to see that the bottle is marked Thalydomide. Stopping her, he stammers "Eh-excuse me m-miss, but don'y you know t-that thal-thalydomide can s-s-seriously harm your b-baby?" "Yes," she replies, "but I can't do sleeves."

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My black colleague at work was a bit upset and said, "My uncle died, he was like a father to me." "Were you very close?," I asked. "No," he replied, "I've never met him."

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I was showing my kids how to skim stones over water today but what a bunch of miserable bastards they are in the local swimming pool.

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The Paki bloke at work showed me his tattoo. "Isn't that one of those that wash off,?" I asked. "I don't know," he replied.

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Never thought I'd see anything more ironic than a guy in a wheelchair eating a bag of Walkers. Then I saw a black guy drinking a bottle of Innocent.

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Confusion over events involving a boy and a crocodile in Huntingdon. Things weren't helped by a dog stealing his sausages while onlookers shouted "that's the way to do it."

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Gary Glitter likes having sex with underage girls, doesn't like having his picture in the papers, and is always insisting that everyone join his gang. Is it just me, or does anyone else think he might be the reincarnation of the Prophet Mohammed?

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Always remember when we went to see Evel Knieval's brother Klu Klux Knieval. He ran over 52 niggers with a steam roller.

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I got fired from the advertising agency for proposing a new KFC slogan: The taste so savoury you'll forget about slavery!

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Spiders are like girls. I only feel all right about touching the little ones.

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I sat near some Chavs on the bus home today. For the whole journey it was just 'F this' and 'F that'. Guess they had to discuss their exam results sometime.

0 comments

When people say "he's alright once you get to know him" it actually means "he's a cunt, but you'll get used to it"

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The wife and I was going through a really bad time and we made the decision together to kill ourselves. She went first then all of a sudden I felt much better.

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Breaking news: three cliff walkers fall to their death in lake district. What are the chances? they all had the same name!

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What's red, white, fluffy and sits in a tree? Sanitary Owl

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A Frenchman walks into a library and asks for a book on war The librarian replies, Fuck off, you'll lose it

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My Muslim son is really clever at school. He's now in the same year as my wife.

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If I had £10 for every gender, I'd have £20 and a shitload of monopoly money.

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As I answered the front door dressed in high heals, stockings & suspenders, leather mini skirt and bright red lipstick, the Avon lady asked "Hello Sir, is your wife at home"?. To which I replied "Take a wild guess love!"

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Apologies, this isn't a joke. I've just jumped ship from you know where and to my absolute joy, there ARE funny people still out there. Thank you, I hope you inspire me.

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You wouldn't believe how much my boss moans about me using my phone at work. I mean, honestly, it's not like it affects my ability to do my job. With all the technology these days the train practically drives i

1 comment

Jamie Varley sentenced to whole life term for raping and murdering infant boy he adopted with his partner John McGowan-Fazakerley who was sentenced to 25 years. In other news: Happy Pride Month!

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My three favourite things are eating out my friends and not using commas.

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Had this dream I was shagging Karen carpenter and Lena zavaroni. Two birds one stone.

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News: Brazilian woman without a safety cord attached falls 130ft to her death in bungle jump.

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Been watching Portugal playing Congo, and I'm sorely disappointed. Didn't see a single one of them drinking UmBongo.

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I'm so glad the world cup is on. I can hang my England flag without being accused of being a fucking racist.

1 comment

I took a girl back to my house for sex last night. After going upstairs, I slowly removed my clothes and climbed under the quilt. "You'll have to be really quiet," I whispered, "My mum & dad are asleep." "I can see that," she said, "Have you not got your own bed?"

0 comments

When I'm driving my ice cream van around the streets, my biggest fear is that one day the real ice cream van will turn up at the same time.

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I fell asleep with my phone under my pillow. The next morning my phone was gone and there was a pound coin in its place. Fucking Bluetooth fairy!

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A foreign bloke is waiting in the immigration queue to get into Britain when a policeman approaches. "Please come with me, sir," he says. "But why?" the man protests. "We have received a tip-off that you are a violent schizophrenic who has links to several terrorist organizations and an outstanding warrant for rape." "So I am under arrest then?" he asks. "No, sir. You qualify for the fast-track queue."

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I'd never say that my sister's baby is ugly or anything... ...but let's just say I'd feel safe leaving her in a Portuguese hotel room while I went out for tapas.

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Sick of having your house burgled by niggers? Save money on home security by simply writing the words "Job Centre" on your door

1 comment

I asked my wife if I could fuck her up the arse. She said "why the hell would I let you do that?" I said "well, you take everything else the wrong way"

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A 15-year-old girl who got into difficulty swimming in the sea at a beach has died. She was described as "a bubbly person".

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There are 27 bones in your hand. 28 when you're feeling lonely.

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What's the the best thing about shagging a fat bird? You're guaranteed a cracking breakfast in the morning.

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I wish they would bring back plastic straws. I find it quite tiresome having to strangle turtles with my bare hands.

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If you don't believe in human perseverance you clearly haven't seen a smoker trying to use a broken lighter

1 comment

Everyone on earth is racist. Us whites are just better at it, like we are at most things.

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Whenever I see my wife and her sister together... I wonder where Cinderella is.

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My emo son sighed and asked, "Why am I even here?" "Because my credit card was declined at the abortion clinic," I replied.

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I asked my wife if she would like me to buy her a diamond ring for our wedding anniversary. ' I would like nothing better, ' she replied. I decided to go with that option.

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A Miss Switzerland finalist has been killed by her husband, who then put her body parts into a blender. She's now eligible for Miss Whirled.

1 comment

I threw a ball for my dog tonight. He looked fucking brilliant on the dance floor in a tuxedo.

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The wife and I went dogging last night. By the time she parked the car, everyone had fucked off.

0 comments

How do you get a pikey to take a bath? Leave it outside the front of your house.

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Why does Pornhub think women over 40 are " barely legal"

1 comment

What's the difference between a military base and a school? Don't ask me, I only fly the drone.

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The school phoned me and said "Can you come down, your son has been telling lies again" I said "Well tell him he's good, i haven't got any kids"

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Did you know that white people own more dogs than black people. That's because it's illegal to own black people now.

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I find it impossible to get laid these days. Which is ironic as I'm egg shaped.

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Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa.

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Scientists say that swallowing semen after oral sex can help women lose weight. I agree. Women who swallow mine tend to lose a great deal of weight about 9 or 10 years down the line.

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I finally got my hands on some Rohypnol, but I'm a bit confused. One the packet it says 'Best Before Date', but then there's no numbers or anything.

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What's big, purple and comes up your rear end unexpectedly? The EMR express from Bedford.

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I've put my name down to join the local Feminists Society. Hopefully once they see what an informed and enlightened kind of guy I am, I might get to pump a few of them.

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​I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high, and she looked surprised.

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A few years back, I arranged to meet a policeman via a chat room. When I opened the door to meet them, there was a 12 year old girl standing there.

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What is the difference between a pair of Levi jeans and an Ethiopian woman? There is only one fly in the crotch on a pair of Levi's.

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I really hope England wins. Not the World Cup, I mean us versus the Muslims.

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Why did the Paki cross the road? Dunno, but both sides of the road smell funny now.

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Just got myself one of those expensive diver's watches. Couldn't carry the drowned cunt's SCUBA tanks though.

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I came home and my wife was sat there with loads of famous rappers. Twix, Snickers, Mars, Kit Kat, Curly Wurly...

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Dad died of asbestos poisoning It took bloody ages to cremate him

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Rioters in Belfast have attacked several Chinese restaurants in an orgy of wonton destruction

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My wife and I were very upset when our son died due to his chronic heroin addiction. On a brighter note,we don't have to eat our soup with a fork anymore.

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I went to see Jo Brand. She walked on stage and I shouted "don't get your tits out!"

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In 1066 William the 1st assembled 2000 Normans in France ready to invade England. What followed, was the most confusing roll call in history.

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I once had sex with this really hot black girl. Got to the scene before the fire brigade.

0 comments

If male footballers have WAGs what do female footballers have? WAGs.

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Sheep shaggers belong behind baas.

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Some people complain about genetically modified food, but it's flying off the shelves.

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A mermaids vital statistics: 24-36-£4.99 a kilo.

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Chicken is so expensive, I've started catching seagulls. You have to cook them quick though, or they eat all your chips.

0 comments

For legal reasons, newspapers are often forbidden from printing pictures of child abuse suspects before they are convicted Which might explain a thing or two about the Prophet Mohammed

0 comments

I applied for Disability Benefit on account of my alcoholism. As I told the assessor, I can't even take twelve steps.

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You can always tell a guy masturbates a lot, by his hands If you look closely, you'll see a wedding ring

0 comments

If you leave a dog in a car in this weather, with no water or ventilation, it could be dead in fifteen minutes Leave the heater on as well, wait another thirty minutes and the meat just falls off the bone.

1 comment

Porn has ruined my life. My boilers fucked and I'm scared to call a plumber

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Only half of my patients who come to my clinic survive. I'm a brilliant abortionist.

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My son took his first steps this morning.. the window cleaner is fucking furious

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A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps. She gets sent for some test, and they come back a week later. "Well, I hope you're ready for endless sleepless nights of crying and changing dirty nappies!" the doctor says. "You mean I'm pregnant?" the woman replies. "No, it's bowel cancer."

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Q: Why do Welsh race horses run so fast? A: They've seen what happens to the sheep!

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I tried to pronounce the name of my new medication and I think I accidentally summoned Satan.

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It's difficult to love myself when I'm not even my type.

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I was going to have a brain transplant... but then I changed my mind.

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Hindsight is a wonderful thing. I know that now.

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If I win the Lotto I'll make sure that none of my friends or neighbours is poor. I'm going to move to a wealthy neighborhood.

0 comments

I phoned the tinnitus helpline today. It just kept ringing.

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I hate being out at night, alone and scared that somebody might shoot me. I don't even know why I became a rapist.

0 comments

Bagpipes are the only instrument that, when you learn to play them properly, sound exactly the same as when you started.

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I just invented a new word. Plagiarism.

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I always sweat a lot when I have sex. Probably due to the wool in my balaclava.

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You know it was a good Christmas party when your P45 arrives at your house before you do.

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My 4 year old daughter came into my bedroom and said, "Daddy, I'm scared. Can I sleep in your bed?" "No," I replied, "I'm not having that fucking monster follow you into my room."

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Abdul and myself were walking past a school when an absolute stunning young girl around 14 came out of the gate, she has everything, huge tits, long dark hair, a voluptuous arse and a beauty of a natural Spanish senorita. "Fuck me, " said Abdul, "I'll bet she was fit when she was younger. "

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Probably the sickest joke I ever wrote. Abdul my next door neighbour came round crying and distraught, "My baby girl has died in her cot in the night he cried. " "Oh dear, " I said trying not to laugh, "never mind Abdul, just think of her as another virgin in paradise now for your brave soldiers. "

1 comment

A woman on a dating site sent me a message saying, "Wow, your absolutely gorgeous. How come your still single?" It's spelled "you're", I replied.

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chatting to a young girl in the pub last night i said to her " so what do they call you then?"....she replied " vivaldi", so i said " is that after the great composer?".... she said, " no, its because my name is viv and i work at Aldi"...

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I took my son to see Santa today, but as soon as he sat on his knee he started crying. "What's wrong?" I asked. "It's this job mate, I fucking hate it"

0 comments

A Mexican married a Nigger. They had a son who was too lazy to steal.

0 comments

What's the difference between the McCanns and Gary Glitter? Gary Glitter comes back from his holidays with more kids than he left with.

0 comments

A magician in Queensland, Australia has vanished without a trace in remote wilderness, with armed forces called in to help in the search. Fucking hell, he's good.

0 comments

I told my girlfriend that semen contains 'friendly' bacteria, like those Actimel yoghurts. I can't believe she swallowed it.

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How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? ALL MEN ARE BASTARDS!

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I went into a tattoo parlor in East London and said "do you do piercings?" The guy said" yeah" and stabbed me.

1 comment

How do Muppets die? They Kermit Suicide.

0 comments

British serial killers are offered a last drink before jail. Guard: "What would you like?" Harold Shipman: "A nice whiskey would be great" Guard: "What would you like?" Myra Hindley: "I'd love some red wine" Guard: "What would you like?" Fred West: "I could murder some Tennants"

0 comments

My wife won me over with the line "I love the big bulge in your jeans, it really excites me!" Eventually I realised she meant my wallet!

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Is it "For fuck's sake" or "For fuck sake"? It's for a work email so it has to sound professional.

0 comments

Just seen this nigger walking across a zebra crossing and he was saying "Now you see me, now you don't, now you see me, now you don't".

0 comments

I upset a girl once who'd just been raped by telling a joke about rape. Well, I say a joke, it was more a sarcastic comment really as I was doing my flies up.

0 comments

I once hired a professional dominatrix. She wanted fifty quid for the hour, but I managed to talk her up to a hundred.

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I met my girlfriend when I brought a baby pigeon with a broken wing to their animal rescue group. Catching the pigeon was the hard part.

0 comments

Found a documentary box set about the making of The Vagina Monologues. I'm minge-watching it.

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I saw a sign today that said, 'Watch for Children.' I thought, 'That sounds like a fair trade,' but apparently, that’s not what it meant.

0 comments

My granddad downed nineteen aircraft during his military service in World War Two. He's actually still famous as the worst mechanic the RAF ever had.

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I was involved in a very traumatic and violent mugging. On the plus side I got a nice watch and 20 quid.

0 comments

How do you turn a 110lb weakling into a man of steel? Polio

0 comments

My uncle had the luck of the Irish. He didn't win the lottery or anything, he was killed when his car exploded.

0 comments

Woman stumbles into the Police Station. "Help, I've just been raped by two council workers!" The policemen look bemused and ask "How do you know they were with the council?" She shouts "I had to do all the fucking work!"

0 comments

Just had a sage and onion enema. I got to be honest, It's knocked the stuffing out of me.

0 comments

Found an old fashioned chip shop and they still wrap your meals in newspaper. Today I got a plaice in the sun.

0 comments

Several women have made complaints against David Sullivan, saying that he demanded sex from them in exchange for promoting their modelling careers. I mean, I'm shocked. Who would have thought an 80s porn baron would be such a sleazebag?

0 comments

Saw this old man with one leg leaning on a cash machine. I asked him if he's okay and he replied."Yes son I'm just checking my balance".

1 comment

I used to date a Jewish girl, but it didn't end too well. One time I invited her round to my place for a curry. She turned up and said, 'How's dinner coming along?' I replied, 'Well, I've just put your naan in the oven.'

0 comments

Looking forward to the world cup. Ethiopia against Hungary should be a good game.

0 comments

I tried to get into a support group for people with Tourette's Syndrome, but they told me to fuck off.

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I bought a pair of epileptic trousers. I had to take them back as they didn't fit.

1 comment

There was a kid in my year at high school who was allergic to water. Well, I say 'allergic'. He drowned.

0 comments

Why don't sharks eat niggers? It's because they think it's whale shit.

0 comments

I've just had a log burner fitted,but it's so much easier to just flush them.

0 comments

I go to the gym most evenings. I don't do any exercise, but after watching the young lasses working out in their Lycra and Spandex, I like to go home for a nice protein shake.

0 comments

I watched some German scat porn earlier, it was disgusting! The bird in it had hairy armpits.

0 comments

I've created a burlesque show featuring women who are missing arms or legs. It's called Amputease.

0 comments

I wondered why so many beautiful young girls are doing scat porn now. I guess that's their business.

0 comments

Stayed in a five star hotel in Nigeria last week. I knew it was five star because the chef washed his hands after he had a shit.

2 comments

I've been sober for 30 days now. Not in a row, just over the past 20 years.

1 comment

I am proud to announce that I have finished writing my book. It is called, How The Internet Ruined Our High Streets. Available to download from Amazon on Kindle for £1.99.

0 comments

A white man stumbles into the police station with a black eye. "Officer, I'd like to report an Islamophobic assault." "Of course, sir. What happened?" "I was in the park and these men came up to me and started beating me because I'm a Muslim convert." "How did they know you were a Muslim convert, sir?" "I assume one of their kids must have told them I'm circumcised."

0 comments

My wife and I watched three movies back to back last night. Fortunately I was the one that was facing the screen.

2 comments

As Starmer's premiership collapses, several MPs have been desperately trying to shore up support for the beleaguered Prime Minister. 'We fully support Sir Keir staying in post and maintain complete confidence in his ability to deliver us a working majority in the 2029 elections,' a spokesman for the Reform Party said yesterday.

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My fat wife and gay son HA!! got you!! bet you thought wasp was here

4 comments

As I drove my date home, she said, "I can't believe you support grouse shooting." "I didn't say that," I replied, "I said I like to kill birds on the moors."

0 comments

I'm not saying I live in a hard area., but the other night I went to a pub quiz and the first question was... "What the fuck are you looking at?"

0 comments

Warning: This movie 'MAY' contain nudity? Either it does or it doesn't, don't waste my fucking time.

1 comment

My wife is leaving me and taking the kids because of my obsession with horse racing. They are at the gate now, and they're off....

2 comments

I've put my Rottweiler on a vegan diet. So far, he's eaten three of the cunts.

0 comments

There's a big orange rabbit walking round our village telling everyone that I'm not taking my medication.

0 comments

My phone rang unexpectedly. ' Hello, this is Mr Richardson here, your son's music teacher. ' ' Hi,how can I help you? ' I asked. ' I think we have another Elvis on our hands, ' Mr Richardson said. ' Really! I didn't realise he was so talented, ' I replied. ' He isn't.We found him dead in the toilet when he went for a shit, ' Mr Richardson said.

0 comments

Walking around Liverpool with my missus she said to me, "What are all these bits of chocolate bars that are left everywhere? I've seen loads, " "They're Mars bars, " I replied, "it's the bit that helps you work. "

0 comments

"Who's a pretty boy then,?" I said, as I pushed a dry cracker through the bars of the cage. "I want my mummy," he sobbed.

0 comments

I went to the shop on my bicycle and bought a bottle of whiskey. As I set off home I thought, "If I fall off my bike, the bottle of whisky will break. I'd better drink it now." Lucky I did, because I fell off seven times on the way home.

0 comments

Two flies decided to have a race from one side of a black man's lips to the other. The first fly went flat out all the way and was shocked to see the second fly already there,relaxing in a deck chair. ' How did you manage to get here before me, ' said the first fly. ' I took a short cut round the back of his head, ' replied the second fly.

0 comments

If it grows hair and has milk..its a mammal...like the coconut..

0 comments

My mate has OCD, so I bought him a picture of the Leaning Tower of Pisa. He's going fucking nuts trying to hang it straight.

0 comments

Just about to watch Big Naughty Anal Sluts 3, but if I haven't seen the first two, will I still be able to follow the story?

1 comment

I slept with my best friend's wife last night and now i feel terrible. She must have given me a cold or something.

3 comments

My wife says and does the nicest things. Just this morning she said, "I'm taking the kids and leaving you."

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It had been playing on my mind for some time and I just had to find out. ' Mum, am I adopted? ' I asked. ' No,son ' she replied. 'We did put you up for adoption once but nobody wanted you.'

0 comments

There's a woman in our pub who is so ugly that if she gives you a blowjob it counts as anal.

0 comments

The doctor told me I should take up something that gets me out of the pub. So I've started smoking.

0 comments

I had only been seeing my girlfriend for two weeks when she was killed in a car crash. The first time I met her parents was at the funeral.What a pair of miserable bastards they were.

0 comments

What's the best thing about dating a homeless girl? You can drop her off anywhere.

0 comments

' Why does everyone think that Chinese people look the same,father? ' said the small Chinese boy. ' I don't know, ' replied the man, ' and by the way,I am not your father. '

0 comments

I like my steaks rare. Tonight I'm having panda.

0 comments

Did you know... Black men's semen is more nutritious than white men's? It contains more calories. I have no scientific proof. It's just that their girlfriends are always fat cocksucking whores.

0 comments

Our mum died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to "be positive" but it’s really hard without her.

0 comments

We were waiting to pick the kids up at the school and I said to the bloke next to me, "Look at the arse and the size of those tits on that little blonde fucker there, I'll rattle the arse off her as soon as she reaches sixteen. " "Do you mind? " he replied, "that's someone's daughter you know. " "Yes, I do know, " I answered, "mine. "

0 comments

I saw a woman in Tesco struggling to control her kids. She looked really stressed. Then she accidently knocked over and smashed a bottle of milk. She dropped to her knees and burst into tears, surrounded by spilled milk. It reminded me of something my dad used to say to my mum, so I walked over to her and said; "Get a fucking grip, you stupid cow."

0 comments

I phoned the Child Abuse Hotline. A kid answered, called me a cunt and told me to fuck off.

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I once went fifteen years without a drink. Then I turned fifteen.

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I first met my wife at a scat fetish orgy. It was love at first shite.

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Applied for a job as a blacksmith and the interviewer asked if I've ever shoed a horse. I replied "Nope but I've told a couple of donkeys to fuck off".

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What do you call one of those turds that takes ages to flush? Keir Starmer.

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What's black and has 27 tits? The rubbish bag outside the cancer clinic.

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I'm a fully-qualified abortion provider. I kid you not.

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My wife got a job in a care home. She said that they give all the old men viagra every night. It's not for health reasons, it stops them rolling out of bed.

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Q. What do you give the man who has everything? A. Penecillin

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What is the biggest all-time dilemma for a Jew? Free ham!

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My ex girlfriend from a while back managed to contact me and said "Joey I've got AIDS". I replied "yes..I know".

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Tuna fish and lavender must be my favourite smell. It brings back memories when I was a kid sniffing through my Nan's knickers draw.

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30 years on, and the Spice Girls have really stood the test of time. They're still shit.

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I once went out with a girl who was a coal miners daughter. She wasn't much to look at but she knew her way round a shaft.

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'King extends olive branch for Harry' Let's see if Meghan swings off it.

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Nigel Farage claims that one in three schoolchildren in Glasgow nowadays can't speak fluent English. The other two must be immigrants.

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For the sake of their future development, never put your three year old in crocs.

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With the grooming gang enquiry looming ever closer, spare a thought at this difficult time for all the poor Paki blokes, who are currently only able to fuck their own kids instead of ours

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Despite all the jokes I'm not really a racist. I would never molest a black child.

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I never see any niggers out jogging round our estate. They must be using Persil. It stops coloureds running.

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My new girlfriend is an insufferable, teetotal vegan. She never shuts up about animal rights and eats nothing but fruit, nuts, legumes and wholegrain muesli. On the plus side she is very skinny. And her shit tastes great!

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Women are like spiders. I don't mind seeing one or two from time to time, but the big hairy ones can fuck right off.

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What was Jeffrey Dahmer's favourite dinner? Mr Faggot's Brains.

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Teacher asked the children in her class "If your mother was a cartoon character who would she be"? Little Mary says "My mummy would be Cinderella because she looks just like a princess". Little Lucy says "My mummy would be Penelope Pitstop because she's a brilliant driver". Little Johnny says "My mum would be called Kung Fu Panda" so the teacher asked "Why is that Johnny". He replied. "You should see the black eyes my dad gave her when he came home early and caught her sucking off the window cleaner".

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When I was about 14, a Catholic priest took me aside one time. He said, 'Listen to me, my son; every time you pleasure yourself sexually, a kitten dies.' And for years I believed that, but not any more. Now that I've perfected my technique, they often survive.

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'Mum, what's for dinner?' 'Spaghetti Bollock Knees.' 'You mean Spaghetti Bolognese?' 'No, I've been to Aldi.'

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I just read that you're 80% more likely to get attacked at night. That’s why I only rape during the day. Stay safe out there!

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During WW2 my grandad flew a Spitfire against the Germans. Meanwhile my grandma got spitroasted by the Americans.

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How do you stop a dog humping your leg? Pick it up and suck it off.

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I have a habit of ruining the end of films for my family About 10 minutes before it's due to finish I start wanking off the dog

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At the cinema last night, for a laugh I flicked a few peanuts at a lass sitting a few rows in front of me. She didn't half overreact! Well, the paramedics called it Anaphylactic Shock.

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I've just ordered and paid for a stripper for my wife's birthday I hope she likes her.

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I've started a women's only gym so they don't have to deal with all the creepy guys hitting on them while they work out. Just ignore the sounds coming from behind the mirrors.

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Did you know that before they were famous, the members of Blondie all worked at the suicide hotline? They weren't very good. They left me hanging on the telephone. (Yes, yes, fine. I'll fuck off)

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I rang my mate this morning and asked what he was doing. He replied "probably failing my driving test"

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The recipe said to put the food in at 180 degrees. Now it's all over the bottom of the fucking oven.

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I have a terrible sexually-transmitted disease. Children.

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My son's special school threw him a party today for his birthday. Many happy retards!

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Elton John's gotten really fat lately. Goodbye normal jeans.

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My house is built on an Indian burial ground. Although technically the house was here first.

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The news says that teen depression is at an all time high. You fucking miserable bastards, you can get free anal porn on your phone! When I was your age I had to wank off to Challenge Anneka.

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I went to the doctor's and told him "That medicine you gave me to make me strong... well I can't get the top of the bottle".

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The BBC recently covered a harrowing story about how many Afghans have been forced by extreme poverty to sell their own daughters. "The price of food is just so high," said Bilal, a 38 year old Afghan father. "I had to sell my daughter into sexual slavery just to buy enough bread for the rest of my family to eat. Now even that has run out." "What will your family do now?" asked the reporter. "There is no choice," Bilal sighed "We will have to switch to Tesco's own brand."

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Why do black women wear high heels? To keep their knuckles from dragging.

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I overheard David Sullivan deep in conversation. "... listen, if you're nice to me, I'll be nice to you. Now, how about that blowjob, sweet cheeks?" I don't know what Sullivan replied, but his cellmate sounded deadly serious.

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In honour of Pride Month, I'm seasoning my chips with salt from Lot's wife.

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Have just won a ticket for the world cup final but I'm getting married on that day so does anyone what to take my place. The venue is st Bede's church, Widnes and the bride is Lucy

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I gave my daughter away at her wedding yesterday. Got a bit plastered before the speeches, and ended up announcing that she's been shagging the best man.

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How many spastics does it take to change a lightbulb? Fuck knows. The first one smashed it on his forehead.

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I'll never forget the time there were two girls fighting over me in the street. I called the police. They said "it's not an emergency" I said "it is, the fat bird's winning"

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One for our older readers: I was in the pub with my wife. She said "stop looking at that bar maids bust" I said "I hadn't really noticed dear, I'll have pint of Titbread Wankard please"

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I was getting ready to leave the house this morning when an advert on the telly said, 'Work smarter, not harder.' So I phoned in sick.

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Ex-Channel 4 News host Jon Snow reveals he has Alzheimer's. He found out when he started thinking valuable antiques were going missing from the house but his nigger wife assured him they never had any in the first place.

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I never take a shower, wash my clothes or clean my teeth. It may seem disgusting but according to the adverts on TV doing those things will make your skin turn black.

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Having a clear out of crap on my phone and found this old thing - it made me chortle, so thought it was worth a post… A teacher calls her P1 class in from play time. She goes up to little Sally and asked "Sally, what did you do at break?" "I played in the sand pit" said Sally. "Good” said the teacher, “Now, if you can spell the word 'sand' on the black board, I'll give you a freshly baked cookie". So, Sally spelt the word correctly and got a cookie. Then little Billy comes in. "Billy, what did you do at break?" asks the teacher. "I played in the sand pit with Sally", replies Billy. “Good” said the teacher, “Now, if you can spell the word 'pit' on the black board, I'll give you a freshly baked cookie". So, Billy spelt it correctly and got a cookie. Then little Mohammed came in from the playground. "Mohammed, what did you do at break?" Asked the teacher "Billy and Sally threw stones at me Miss!" Was Mohammed’s reply. "Hmm, that sounds like blatant racial discrimination” said the teacher. “If you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination', I'll give you a freshly baked cookie.

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I was taking the trash out the other day when the neighbour's kids saw me and yelled "GINGER PAEDO!" I can't believe they would make such false accusations. I'm actually more of a strawberry blond.

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A married man goes into the confession box and says to the priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman". The priest says, "Almost? What do you mean, almost?" The man replies, "Well, we kissed and both got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest then says, "Rubbing together is the same thing as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say 10 Hail Mary's and put $100 in the poor box." Then man then leaves the confessional, says his prayers, and then walks over to the collection box. He pauses for a moment, and then starts to leave. Meanwhile, the priest is watching all this time, and quickly runs over to him saying, "Hey, I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box."   The man replies, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $100 on the box, and according to you, that's the same thing as putting it in!"

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The band Massive Attack re-released their 1998 album Mezzanine in 2018, in a spray-paint format with the music digitised and encoded into DNA contained in the paint. Sounds like a pioneering move, but I painted my sister's Beyonce album sleeve with some DNA years before that.

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The Queen Mum dies and goes to heaven. Just past the pearly gates she meets Princess Diana. "What a nice halo my dear," she says. "Fuck off you sarky cow," Di replies. "You know damn well it's a steering wheel."

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I asked the waiter how they prepare the chicken. They said they tell the chicken up front they're going to die.

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Sorry I haven't been in touch recently, there was a blackout on our street, we weren't allowed out till they shot the cunt.

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A dog just chased me up the road on my bike. Fuck knows how it reached the pedals.

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Religion, same shit, different deity.

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Say what you want about Muslim women, they make excellent Bee keepers

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I just love the smell of chlorof.....

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Wizard of Oz is the ultimate chick flick about two girls trying to kill each other over shoes.

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What do you call an all black abortion clinic? Crime Stoppers!!

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Who's the best family butcher in Essex? Jeremy Bamber.

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What do you call a bunch of black guys in a barn? Antique farm equipment

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How do you know when your cabbage is boiled? It's wheelchair rises to the top.

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I cracked a joke with my therapist. She sighed and wrote something in her notebook. Bitch is trying to steal my joke!

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Pop star Kylie Minogue reveals she was given a cancer diagnosis for the second time in 2021, in an interview to promote her new single Light Up. 'Light Up'? No wonder she keeps getting cancer.

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I tried to submit a joke about Madeleine McCann but it just disappeared.

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What's the difference between the current sickipedia and Futurama? There's only one Bender on Futurama

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You know when you get that urge to eat something just because it's there? Well I lost my job as a Gynecologist today Quote: Original Sicki

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Hamas has announced that they have murdered all Jewish hostages. Israel is celebrating because they don't have to pay any ransoms.

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When Kier Starmer says we must tackle antisemitism wherever we see it, does that mean we can all go Paki Bashing like we did in the 70's

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Donald Trump says he 'wasn't worried' by the shooting incident at the White House Correspondents' dinner. He told reporters, 'It all went exactly as we rehearsed.'

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I dropped the soap in the prison showers this morning. A big nigger, with a cock like a python, handed it back to me. "Nice try, you ugly cunt," he said.

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"Come in number 9 your time is up" "Boss, we’ve only got 8 boats." "No 6 are you in trouble?"

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I hate it when there isn't any toilet paper and you have to do that stupid walk with your trousers around your ankles. Anyway, I'm nearly at the corner shop now.

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I remember when I was at school a policeman came in and did a talk on drugs. We couldn't understand a word he was saying.

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My dad used to slave 12 hours a day to put food on the table I've never known a man cook so fucking slowly.

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What do a puppy and a nearsighted gynecologist have in common? A wet nose.

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I met my wife when we both worked at the abattoir. She was stunning.

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Did you know that Kerry Katona doesn’t actually own a cat.

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I asked my Greek girlfriend if I could try it in the 'other hole'. "No,"she replied, "I don't want to get pregnant."

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I sleep better when I'm naked. I just wish the passengers on this flight were a bit more understanding.

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Don't get one of those rescue cats. My gran had one, she fell, and the cat just literally sat there and did nothing.

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As my wife lay in the coma the doctors approached the life support machine. "No, no, please," I sobbed, "just a little while longer. ' But my pleading didn't help. They woke her up.

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I broke up with my girlfriend when she confessed that she used to walk the streets and fuck random people. I could never date a traffic warden.

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Sadly my obese parrot has died from over eating . At least it's a huge weight off my shoulders .

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A man phones his wife late at night. ' Where the fuck are you? ' the wife screams. ' I'm in hospital and I'm lucky to be alive.When I left work I collapsed in the car park.Fortunately,Tina was there and she carried out CPR until the ambulance came.The doctor told me I had a massive heart attack.' says the man ' Who's Tina, ' asks the wife.

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I went into an Ethiopian gift shop, "Have you got an I am four birthday card please?" I asked. "Sorry, " said the shopkeeper, "we've never needed them. "

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I do an evening of stand up comedy and jokes for the patients at our local Hospice every six weeks. It always goes down very well. The good news is that I never need to change my act.

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I said, "The second best way to have sex with a woman is to be funny." "What's the first?," she asked. "A knife," I replied. "Haha," she laughed, "you're funny." "Good choice,"I said.

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Minnesotta general warning..... "Watch out for Ice when driving"

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Jake Paul felt like he was hit by a truck Anthony Joshua.... hold my beer!

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I walked into the pub and shouted, "All Muslims are cunts." A bloke stood up and said, "I'm offended by that." "Are you a Muslim,?" I asked. "No," he replied, "I'm a cunt."

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I went to a meeting of the "I Feel I'm Being Stalked" support group. I knew everybody there... but they didn't know me.

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I just read that the chap who drove into the crowd in Liverpool has been sentenced to 21 years…which ironically is how long the scousers will keep on about it

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I bought a gun because I have a fear of eagles. "You're getting carried away," said my wife. "Not without a fucking fight I'm not," I replied.

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People who use selfie sticks really need to take a good long look at themselves

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A very ugly woman walks into a shop with her two sons. A man asks her: "Are they twins?" Puzzled, the woman replies: "No. One is 3 years old, and the other is 10. Why do you ask?" The man replies: "No particular reason, I just can't believe someone fucked you twice!"

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My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list. Now I can’t read any of it.

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Serena Williams stuns fans with dramatic return to Wimbledon singles at 44 years old. Assuming men's singles.

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I was on the pull last night, so I wore my T shirt that reads, 'Drink Until You Want Me'. This lass in the club read it, looked at my face and then sneered, 'No thanks, I want to wake up alive in the morning!' I leaned in close and growled, 'You'd better fucking start drinking, then, hadn't you?'

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Scotland has the worst rates in the UK for hate crimes against gays and the handicapped. They really don't like their fruits and vegetables up there.

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Roy Walker is in bed with Bonnie Blue. He says, 'It's good, but it's not tight.'

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What's the difference between sin and shame? It's a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to take it out. (credit: some radio DJ about 40-odd years ago)

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Just taken Viagra and some sleeping pills. Off to bed now and have Forty wanks.

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What was the last thing to go through that train driver's head? A British Rail Class 810 Aurora locomotive!

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What's the difference between watching football and being raped? Women don't like watching football.

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My daughter asked why the cat was licking itself. I told her it’s because it’s the only way to get the taste of my cock out of its mouth.

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I was in Glasgow yesterday, and this American tourist came up to me. He said, 'Say, buddy, I'm tired of all the plastic tourist crap in this town. Can you show me where I can find an authentic Glasgow cultural experience?' So I stabbed him.

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Why do niggers and Pakis smell so bad? So the blind can hate them too!

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Why don't blind people skydive? Because it scares the shit out of the dog.

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"...and on that bombshell..." For once, he's not being sarcastic.

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Coming soon to Amazon Prime: Clarkson Buys the Farm

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I've often wondered, if I was stuck on a desert island with a gay guy, no women around, no animals, and every day we are both working really hard to survive and getting leaner and more muscular, if one night a crate of whisky washes up and we were really drunk sitting by the fire underneath the stars... How long before I killed him and cooked him on the fire?

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Guy walks out of a public toilet in a London park as another fella is a walking in. "I'd give that 20 minutes, mate, if I were you!' "Aw, you dropped a reeker? A stinker?" "Nah. I just murdered a prostitute."

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Trump faces criticism over White House UFC event. Changed times, indeed. That gaudy spectacle had none of the grace and dignity of the Obamas' KFC event.

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Channel 4 is making an adult themed re-enactment of the Battle of Waterloo! I've got Napoleon's Boner part

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The Japanese had a black goalie last night. You'd think they'd have at least yellowed him up.

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I’m not saying I hate my neighbors, but if their house caught fire and I had the only hose, I’d probably use it to wash my bike.

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Scotland beats Haiti 1 - 0 in the World Cup. It was like a snake eating a rat, I didn't know who to go for.

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When I was young, our family was so poor we had to wank the dog off to feed the cat.

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An Israeli man 'cried tears of relief' on learning that his daughter had been murdered by Hamas, rather than taken hostage. He told reporters, 'Oy vey! For a while there I thought I might get asked for a ransom.'

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What do you call a Scouser in a suit? A) The deceased. B) The accused.

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Last night the wife said, 'Right, you, out. My favourite film, Dirty Dancing, is on tonight and I want to watch it in peace. I'm not having you sitting there making snide remarks all the way through it, so you can just go on down the pub with your mates!' I staggered home after closing time, and she was still up. She said, 'How was the pub, then?' I replied, 'Well, I've had the time of my life...'

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Why did the pervert cross the road? He had his cock in the chicken

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My granddad's nickname was also spiderman... ...that's what the local paper called him because he ran around in a mask surprising strangers by shooting sticky white stuff at them

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I don't know exactly what happened to that poor lad who was found dead in Michael Barrymore's swimming pool, but having read the autopsy results I think someone probably had a hand in it.

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I joined a dating site. A woman wrote "Looking for a man who will be the reason I close my account." After a couple of weeks of threatening to rape and murder her and her whole family she finally did. I love helping people.

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The most popular final meal on death row is fried chicken. Let me guess, watermelon for dessert?

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A woman is eagerly waiting for news about her son, who is taking his driving test, when the phone rings. "Hello?" she says, nervously. "He's passed," says the voice on the other end. "First time? That's wonderful!" the woman says. "No missus, I mean he died in the ambulance ten minutes after smashing into that HGV."

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What type of file would you use to make a small hole a bit bigger? A peodaphile.

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An Irish prison gang boss calls his enforcer, Big Seamus into his cell. "Alright, lad," he says. "That skinny fecker in 4B still owes me money and hasn't paid up so I want you to make an example of him." "What do you want me to do to him, boss?" says Big Seamus. The gang boss reaches up to a shelf, takes down two heavy tins of baked beans and gives them to his enforcer. "Put those in a pillowcase and then pummel his face with it until his own ma won't recognise him." Big Seamus leaves and comes back forty minutes later, exhausted and drenched in sweat. "Did yer batter him?" the boss asks. Big Seamus shakes his head. "He's tougher than he looks, boss," he says, panting with exertion. "I was beating him with the pillowcase for ages but he didn't even flinch! He just stood there fecking laughing at me!" The boss lets out a long sigh. "Seamus, yer fecking eejit," he says. "The beans were supposed to still be inside the tin."

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How did the Scouser get into university? Crowbar.

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I just saw a Gemma Collins lookalike contest. Turns out it was just the queue outside Weight Watchers.

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What do you call a Jewish detective? Shylock Holmes

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What do the English do immediately after winning the FIFA World Cup? Turn off the Playstation.

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My white van was dirty and I saw my cheeky neighbour write "WASH ME" in the dirt. So I got a screwdriver and scratched "PAINT ME" on her BMW.

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A dyslexic mate of mine joined a poetry club, as he thought it might help with his condition. I've never heard him come out with any poems yet, but he's made some pretty nice jugs and vases and stuff.

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How long does it take a man to make the breakfast, get the kids to school, do the shopping, do the housework, wash the clothes, pick the kids up from school and make the dinner. It doesn't it's a woman's job.

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Kate McCann's looking a bit pale these days. It's been a long time since she was lying in The Sun.

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This bloke asked me to take part in a charity run, so I said "piss off, no chance" and he said "arr, go on mate it's for blind and spastic kids", and I thought Fuck it, I could win this...

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My wife and I are very competitive. But I'm more competitive than her.

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I used to post a lot of jokes about the Moors Murderer's victims but they always got buried.

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What you call a bear with no paw? Rupert the bastard!!

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"Never go to sleep on an argument" Stay up and win!

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There's a new children's game about Henry Nowak’s death. Died and Sikh.

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They say one in ten people are unaware they could be living nextdoor to a pedophile. I know I don't. I live nextdoor to a respectable married couple. Who have a sexy four year old daughter.

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I've just bought an LG TV with BT broadband. All I can get is programs about the sexualy confused.

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You can always tell if a baby is Italian. The nipple on their dummy has hair round it.

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I can't believe what just happened. Some flash solicitor just turned up on my doorstep and handed me a court summons for libel over some stupid joke I posted about my neighbour Mohammad shagging a goat. "I don't understand..." I spluttered as he passed me a mound of legal documents. "You published false and disgusting allegations regarding my client's sexual proclivities that have seriously damaged his reputation and good standing in the community and thus he is seeking damages against you," the solicitor said. "I understand that," I said, still white with shock. "But how the fuck did a goat hire a lawyer?"

0 comments

What do Katie Price and Katie Piper have in common? They both in some way had their face splattered on by Niggers.

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Whats the worst thing about licking a bald pussy? Taking the dirty nappy off beforehand

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I've just bought a polo shirt and it's got a massive hole in it.

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A female Royal Navy pilot died in a helicopter crash that also killed two male crew members. She was trying to put it into reverse.

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My Glaswegian cousin had a problem with drugs, but his real passion in life was doing Prince songs on karaoke in the pub. Last week he achieved his finest ever homage to the man. He was found dead from an overdose in Paisley Park.

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I once knew a guy who died from mercury poisoning. He got AIDS from the lead singer of Queen.

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I was having an argument with my mate Dave in the pub about which British based male singer had the most distinctive voice, he decided to start canvasing other customers in the pub; The first person he asked said "Definitely George Michael . . . or perhaps Elton John?" The next person he asked said "It's bound to be Freddie Mercury . . . or perhaps Will Young?" He asked another person, they said "It's got to be Marc Almond . . . or is it Boy George?" Another customer suggested "Definitely Mika. . . no wait, it might be Olly Alexander?" The last person he asked said "Probably Jimmy Somerville . . . or maybe Holly Johnson?" Dave was getting really frustrated by this point and snapped "For Christ's sake, can't anyone give me a straight answer?"

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The worst thing about having a daughter with cancer is that you can't pull her hair while you're fucking her.

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I can only agree with Peter Mandelson when he says that Number 10 needs "a complete revamp." I mean, those curtains, darling. And with that wallpaper.

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My Muslim wife wanted to try swinging. Before that she went on the roundabout and the slide

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Why did Princess Diana cross the road? She wasn't wearing her seatbelt.

1 comment

There have been reports of a dogging site appearing in a Surrey village. It's right next door to a school playground and there have been a lot of complaints. Quite right too, who wants noisy kids putting you off.

0 comments

What do you call an elephant with a spade? Dawn French and Lenny Henry

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I called my girlfriend from my best mate's phone. She answered, "Hello, big dick." How did she know it was me?

0 comments

Quasimodo was sat watching television when his wife walked past carrying a wok. ' Are we having stir fry for tea? ' asked Quasimodo. ' No, I'm going to iron some of your shirts, ' his wife replied.

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What's the worst thing about your mum getting murdered on your 18th birthday? Being tried as an adult.

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I accidentally drank some invisible ink. I'm now in hospital waiting to be seen.

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The "modern" definition of incest: When you can taste your dad's fanny on your mum's cock.

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My wife has new job as a traffic warden. I think the power has gone to her head. I'd just finished fucking her last night and she said "that will be £40 please" I said "for fuck sake, I was only in there 2 minutes"

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Why did the Paki swap his wife for a toilet? Because the toilet had a smaller hole and it smelt better!

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Two Muslims walk into a bar boom boom

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A bus load of pykies goes over a cliff (whoopee!) and when they get to the pearly gates, St Peter says, "Sorry guys, but we don't have enough room, 10 of you will have to go down to purgatory. You'll have to decide amongst yourselves." So the pykies start to squabble and when St Peter can take no more he says, "Ok, ok, I'll go have a word with the boss." He goes to see God - "Err. Excuse me god, we've got a bus load of pykies outside the gates and not enough space, can you come down and have a word with them?" God agrees and heads with St Peter back towards the gates. When they get closer, St Peter exclaims, "What the hell?! They've gone!" God, "What? All 40 of them?" St Peter - "Not the pykies... the fucking gates!"

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When she screamed at me, "You've lost the best thing that ever happened to you.", I started panicking. For a moment I thought someone had stolen my dog.

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I called the incontinence hotline. "Please hold..."

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I am anti abortion. I've got no problem with killing babies, it's just that I'm not comfortable with allowing women to have a choice.

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I was devastated to find out that Mr Potato Head is very ill. He has a brain tuber.

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They say that laughter is the best medicine. No wonder all the people on the cancer ward are so sick. They're a right miserable bunch of cunts.

0 comments

This global warming concerns me just as much as acid rain did in the 80's. I didn't give a fuck about that either.

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Three Scouse girls return to their block of high rise flats. The nine year old points to a small puddle on the stairs and says, ' That looks like sperm. ' The eleven year old dips a finger in and says, ' It tastes like sperm. ' The thirteen year old dips a finger in and says, ' It is sperm ,but not from any of the men in this building. '

0 comments

I threw a punch at my wife's chin and missed. Luckily, I hit the one below it.

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I learned two things today: 1. My computer can beat me at chess. 2. My computer is useless at kickboxing.

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I know my rights. Every question I was asked, I responded with 'No comment'. Anyway, she doesn't want to go on a second date.

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My doctor told me to stop drinking so I decided to make a massive change in my life. It's going to take some getting used to. I've been with that doctor for twenty years.

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The doctor asked, "Do you drink, take drugs or have gay sex?" "Yes," I replied. "What are you doing tonight?," he said.

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After visiting Sickipedia.net earlier, I’ve decided to liven my day up by going onto my dead gran’s Facebook profile..

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I met a man who used to play the triangle in a Jamaican Reggae Band but he got fed up and left. He said it was just one ting after another.

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18:54 Arrive at crime scene. 18:54 Examine body. 18:54 Search the area. 18:54 Find the murder weapon. 18:54 Realise watch has stopped.

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My son asked me if he was adopted. "Of course not," I replied, "I wouldn't have chosen a useless little cunt like you."

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I went on an African Safari and got lost. Somehow,I stumbled across a tribe that rarely makes contact with society. ' What do you do with yourselves all day? ' I asked the chief. ' We hunt and fuck, ' he replied. ' What do you hunt, ' I enquired. ' Anything we can fuck, ' he said.

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Just received my Valentine's card off Moonpig. She hates it when i call her that.

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I went to visit my wife in hospital and took her flowers. My girlfriend will love them.

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I saw some black guys spray painting their names on a wall and decided to join them. I'd only done the first three letters of my name when they started beating the shit out of me. I guess they don't like people called Nigel.

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Let's give this Dry January a go then.......

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I've been paying the Cat's Protection League every month for over three years. I only missed two payments and they came around and broke my cat's legs.

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This vegan shit has now got out of hand. They're selling plant based alternatives to vapes. They are calling them cigarettes.

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I went to visit my Jewish neighbour yesterday, and found him stripping the wallpaper off the walls. I said "Doing a bit of renovating are you?" He said "No, we're moving house."

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What has 3 doors that will never be opened? Chris Rea's advent calender.

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I'm conducting scientific research regarding men having sex with dogs. If anybody wants me I'll be in my lab.

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I walked in on my little sister giving her fanny a battering with a jumbo cucumber and got annoyed, "I was going to eat that later!" Obviously I didn't eat it later because it would have tasted of cucumber!

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I came up behind my wife and starting feeling her tits, hoping to get lucky. Unfortunately I didn't find any lumps.

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A man walks into a barber shop and looks at the barber. He says, “How long until I can get a hair cut?” The barber looks around his shop and then says, “Three hours.” The man says okay and then leaves. Three hours go by and he doesn’t come back. A few days later the man is back at the barber shop. He asks, “How long until I can get a hair cut?” The barber looks around and says, “About two and a half hours.” The man nods and then leaves and he doesn’t come back. The man does this for a while. One day he comes in again and asks, “How long until I can get a haircut?” The barber, a bit hesitant, says “About an hour, you can chill here if you want.” The man shakes his head and says, “It’s okay. I’ll be back,” and he leaves. The barber looks at one of his friends and says, “Follow that guy. I wanna know what he’s doing.” The friend nods and follows the stranger. When the friend gets back he’s laughing. The barber says, “Where did he go?” The friend says, “To your house.”

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I often read a joke and think, "What a cunt. That's not funny." Then I press "Submit."

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I was telling a mate how i recentley met this woman. i told him "She's like a real fox.", "is it because she's really hot" he asked.." no" said me, " its because she's hairy and eats out of bins"....

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It's so hot, I'm sweating like a pikey doing a spelling test.

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When I was a little boy, my uncle used to take me into the woods play Pooh Sticks. Didn't half make my bottom sore!

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I really regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes But again, that's Heinz sight.

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Haven't been able to get on any porn sites for six months now . It's been half a year since I last saw my daughter.

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Serena Williams might be 44 but she's immature in other ways She still pulls her shorts all the way down when she has a piss

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Seeing as women like bad boys, Viagra has developed eye drops. They make you look harder.

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What's another word for a cocoon? A ni.. nigger

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What do you call a prostitute in a Everton shirt? Madeline McCann.

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I was in the pub with my date. She said "there's a really hard looking bloke over there that keeps staring at you" I said "don't worry, I know how to look after myself. I only eat vegan and I do yoga three times a week"

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Q: Why did God create yeast infections? A: So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt once in a while too.

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Why do they call the Camel ship of the desert? Because they are full of Arab Seamen

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What do niglets call Father's Day? Sunday!

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Fucked the arse off this girl from liverpool and afterwards I said "Did you enjoy your orgasm"? And she replied "What makes you think I had an orgasm"? I said "it's because you dropped your bag of chips".

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Americans love cars because they combine their two favorite things: sitting down and killing people.

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They say that if you rest one of your testicles on the top of an empty beer bottle and heat the base of the bottle with a lighter, the testicle will eventually be sucked inside. If anyone has successfully reversed this process, can you please let me know. It's quite urgent.

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People say my wife has been around the block, but that's an understatement. Putting it in her is like opening the window and shagging the night

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What's the difference between a canoe and a Jew? Jews don't tip.

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The driver of that locomotive in Bedfordshire was fully trained.

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Big-titted blonde: Doctor, doctor, I can't stop drinking men's piss! Doctor: I have a solution for you.

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When I was in the cub scouts Akela tried to molest me. But I tied his dick in a knot.

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I was walking around Glasgow and I bumped into Clint Eastwood. I asked him where I can find the river and he said "Right turn, Clyde".

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You ever have one of those mornings where you hear your alarm go off and just think, 'Oh man, I can't even be bothered getting fucking dressed today'? Anyway, long story short, I was arrested at the bus stop.

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On Sunday there, I had triple-cooked chips at my Nan's. Her dementia's definitely getting worse.

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Whilst on holiday in South Africa my daughter became very upset when she saw a crocodile on the riverbank with a nigger's head hanging out of it's mouth. I quickly told her that everything was ok,it was just a black man in a Lacoste sleeping bag.

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​They say that when one door closes, another one opens; unfortunately for the person in my basement, I’ve decided to bolt both of them shut.

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​I told my wife that our marriage is like a long-term prison sentence, the only difference is that in prison, you actually get a decent shag.

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How do you fit 4 gays on a bar stool? Turn it upside down.

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I went to school with someone who was quite sexually precocious and who quickly built up a reputation for being a bit of a legend. They were honoured with the nickname 'Shagger Davies'. To be honest, she really hated it!

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My wife was getting undressed in the bedroom. I said "move away from the window would you, the neighbour's will think I married you for your money"

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Coming soon to Amazon prime : Clarksons chemo

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I've been out of work for six months now. Need to find a job as soon as possible because I've now got a Scouse accent.

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I use dating sites to find girls with Down Syndrome, so I can sexually exploit them. Or as I call it, playing Poke A Mongo.

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I have a terrible track record for keeping pets. That's the fourth hamster I've lost so far this year. If it doesn't turn up soon I'm going to A and E.

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Son of Norway's crown princess is found guilty of rape and jailed for four years. He's about to get more than a silver spoon rammed up his arse.

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A guy goes to the Doctor worried that his dick has turned bright orange. Over a period of several weeks and all sorts of tests the Doctor fails to diagnose the condition. “This is really baffling”, said the Doctor. Let’s start at the beginning again”. “For instance - from when you get up in the morning what do you do all day?” “Not a lot really,” said the guy. “Generally I just watch porn and eat Wotsits"

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My gay neighbour said, 'I've got a blind date tonight. Oooohh, I hope he's handsome!' I replied, 'What does it matter? You'll mostly be looking at the back of his head anyway.'

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"It was very poignant last night. We played against a country with awful humanitarian conditions; barely any access to fresh drinking water. The population could succumb to disease or violence at any moment. Families live in slums. Law & order is non-existent. We are moved" That was a statement from the Haiti squad after playing Scotland yesterday

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The Englishman has his interview first, and for the last question the brewry owner asks "If you could put your pub anywhere in the world, where it be?" The Englishman responds "Id have a pub next to Buckingham Palace, withall those tourists you'd rake the money in" The Scotsman comes in after the Englishman and he is also asked the same questions. After thinking what his answer would be for the last question he responds "Id have my pub built into Ibrox, can you imagine how much all those football fans drink?" Lastly, the Irishman has his interview, the interview goes really well, and the Brewery owner is very impressed by this mans knowedge of Guinness and the like. Finally the Brewery owner asks the final question "If you could put your pub anywhere in the world, where it be?" The Irishman answers immediatley "Id put mine in Ethiopia" The Brewery ownwer asks in amazement "Why would you put your pub in Ethiopia?" The Irishman reponds "Well have you seen the beer bellys on those guys?"

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Superman was flying through the sky when he saw Wondergirl laying naked on top of a building with her legs wide open. Superman took off his underwear, unzipped his trousers, and dived right in. Invisible man screamed like fuck.

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How many blacks does it take to tile a roof? 3 if you slice them thinly.

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​I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run inside and tell my wife, but then I remembered why I was digging in the garden.

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England's boots and the team's training equipment were stolen in transit from Florida to Kansas. What a break. A gifted excuse.

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Enlishman, Asian and a Australian walk into a bar, sit down and order a pint each. The Asian finishes his pint, puts the glass down, pulls out a gun, and blows the glass to pieces. "we have so many glasses where i come from, we never need to drink out the same one twice." The Australian finishes his pint, puts down the glass and pulls out a gun, and blows the glass away. "where i come from, we have got so much bloody sand to make new glasses with, we never need to drink out the same one twice" The Englishman calmly finishes his pint, puts the glass down on the table. He draws his pistol, shoots his two drinking companions, smiles at the barman and says "we have so many fucking foreigners in this country, we don't need to drink with the same one twice"

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Paddy was walking along the street struggling carrying a wardrobe on his back and across the road Seamus sees him so he shouts over to Paddy."Hey Paddy why didn't you ask your best friend Mick to give you a hand"? Paddy shouts back "He is giving me a hand so he is,.. he's inside carrying the clothes".

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Jesus and Moses are fishing in a boat. "Gee," says Moses, "I wonder if I can still do my old trick." So he reaches his staff out over the water, and "FOOM!" the water parts! "Yes, yes!" Moses shouts. "three thousand years later, I still got it!" and closes the water back up. "I wonder if I can still do my old trick," Jesus wonders. He steps out over the side of the boat and promptly starts to sink like a stone! Moses helps pull the coughing and sputtering Jesus back into the boat. "Wow, Jesus," Moses says, "I'm sorry you couldn't do your old trick." "Well," Jesus replies, "last time I did it I didn't have holes in my feet."

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What's pink and smells of Holly? Ian Huntley's cock!

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Find a penny, Pick it up, And all day long You'll have good luck.* *Advice not valid in prison showers

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"The Lottery is just a tax on stupid people." Said my dad as he read The Guardian at £3.50 a day.

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The Queen was very upset at Princess Diana's funeral. But he still played the piano well.

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I saw this video of a bouncing baby boy earlier, and it's had me chuckling away to myself all day. That LiveLeak site has some fucked-up dashcam footage.

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Q. what's brown, 8 inches long and starts with a P? A. a shit

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I've been waiting for 5 hours in A&E after getting covered in camouflage paint and I still haven't been seen !

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Did you hear the one about the acid bath killer. The soft cunt lost his hand taking the plug out.

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What's blue and fucks teenage girls? Me in my lucky blue tracksuit.

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What do Jack the ripper and Thomas the tank engine have in common? Same middle name.

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Pest Ham.

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An Englishman, Welshman and West Indian are in hospital, waiting for their wives to give birth. There is quite a bit of pacing up and down when the nurse comes out and happily announces that they are all fathers of bouncing baby boys. "There's just one problem" she says. "Because they were all born at the same time we got the tags mixed up and we don’t know which baby belongs to whom. Would you, as their fathers, mind coming to identify them?" The men agree and walk into the delivery room and look at the babies. Immediately the Englishman stoops down and picks up the black baby. "Yes, this is definietly my baby" he says confidently. "Um, excuse me" says the West Indian "but I think it's fairly obvious that this is my son" The Englishman pulls him aside and says "I see where you're coming from mate but one of these babies is Welsh and I'm not prepared to take the risk"

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What do you call the flesh surrounding a vagina? A woman

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There's 26 players in the world cup squads. Argentina Algeria and Austria all face Jordan. My money is on old Katie. 78 men are nowhere near enough.

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Have you ever wondered what happened to all the animal shit Noah had to shovel off the Arc? Christopher Columbus discovered it two thousand years later.

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A young Greek boy is walking in the hills above his hometown when he happens across an elderly man who is sat on a rock quietly weeping. The boy walks up to the man and asks him what is wrong, he replies: "Look down there to the harbour young man, what do you see? Lots of boats, fishing boats, I made half of those boats with my bare hands. Do they call me Nikos the boat-builder? No they do not! Look to the edge of town, just there, a dozen houses. I built all of those houses from the ground up with just my hands and the sweat of my brow, do they call me Nikos the house-builder? No they do not! One time, one goat . . ."

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I attended my first session of "mysanthropes anonymous" last night. Nobody else turned up, which is just as well as I bet they're all cunts.

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When I was young I was very tall. I was as tall as the world's largest bird. But nobody wanted to know me. I was ostrich-sized.

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Statistics inform us that: Nearly ⅓ of British children are obese. & Most British children have had sex by the time they reach 16 years old. This poses the question . . . Who's fucking all the fat kids?

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What do Sikhs hide in their turbans? Their race cards.

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Met a deaf guy with one arm. Quite the speech impediment.

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My wife complained her tits were too small, so I told her to rub a piece of toilet paper between them every day. She said will that really make them grow bigger? I said well it certainly worked for your arse.

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Porn is so unrealistic these days. How can 10 guys piss on a woman and not even one of them lets out a fart?

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This child obesity crisis isn't all bad. At last, 10 year olds with decent size tits.

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Canada & Mexico share the world's thickest international border.

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What's the difference between a yogurt and The USA ? If you leave the yogurt alone for 200 years, it develops a culture

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In Ireland's worst air disaster a two-seater Cessna aeroplane crashed into a graveyard, they've recovered 500 bodies already, digging is set to go through the night.

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I caught AIDS off Freddie Mercury When he told me he was sick, I screamed "Bugger me!!"

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Why was Robert Maxwell like Freddie Mercury? They were both found in fishnets. Nod to Allobosca.

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Last night I slept 8 hours straight. Except for the 2 hours of hardcore gay orgy dreams. Nod to DraigGoch

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Paddy: ' I organised my first threesome last night. ' Mick: ' How did it go? ' Paddy: ' The sex was unbelievable. ' Mick: ' So,why do you look so fed up? ' Paddy: ' I forgot to include myself in the numbers. '

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Statistically 5 out of 6 people like Russian roulette.

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Wine is just Grape Juice with a Yeast Infection.

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How many women with PMT does it take to change a lightbulb? It's an irrational number.

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When I think of all the people I've lost along the way, it makes me wonder whether being a tour guide was the correct career path for me.

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Statistically, nine out of ten people enjoy........ never mind.

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"Murrell bought 108 lavatory rolls hours before Sturgeon told public not to panic buy" How many did he buy when he heard he was going to be charged?

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Which cheese is the most harmful to your health? Freddie Mercury's.

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Whilst I was heading home from the pub the woman in front of me started walking a bit faster, so I walked a bit faster. She started to run so I started running. Then she started screaming so I started screaming. I never did find out what was chasing us.

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2 taxi drivers having a pint: 'I love picking up tipsy women. They always give me a big tip.' 'Well, I love picking up paralytic women. I always give them a big tip.'

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A man phones into work one monday morning: man: i can't come in today, i'm sick boss: what's the matter? man: i cut up my wife with a chainsaw then raped my 6 year old son boss: will you be in tuesday?

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I've been that skint for ages, I can't tell you..... but there is light at the end of the tunnel. I just need my really ill Nan to walk towards it.

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Did you hear about the reverse exorcism? The devil couldn't get the priest out of the boy

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Why did the Romans build straight roads? So Indians couldn't build corner shops

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What's the advantage of getting a blowjob off an Ethiopian? They always swallow.

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Q: What's the difference between God and a Psychiatrist? A: God doesn't think he's a Psychiatrist.

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How did the farmer find the sheep in the tall grass? Satisfying.

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Whaddaya call a Japanese homo? Tak Mashita.

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You're either non-binary or you're not.

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8 things you should never say to a woman if you want a stress-free life: #1: 'Hello.'

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What turns a fruit into a vegetable? AIDS.

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What's red and hangs off the back of the train? Miscarriage.

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Thought I’d post my favourite joke of all time first up . Bloke walks into a pub and shouts “ ALL MUSLIMS ARE CUNTS” To which someone stands up and replies “ I find that highly offensive “ “Why are you a Muslim ? “ “ No, I’m a cunt “ Credit someone else , somewhere else

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I saw Kier Starmer in Ikea today. Must have been looking for a new cabinet

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Some young pikey lads came into my local last Friday night. They started noising people up, trying to pick fights and generally acting the cunt. One of them pointed at me and said, 'Oi, mate! Your Mam takes it up the arse for two quid!' I looked him up and down and replied, 'You'd better start saving up, then.'

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Rare historical fact, in 1784 the Irish invented the toilet seat ,in 1785 the English put a hole in it.

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A rich woman has been lonely all her life; so puts an ad in a Lonely Hearts column saying, "Lovely gentleman wanted - to share life, love and fortune with. Conditions: 1) Won't beat me up 2) Won't run away 3) Good in bed." Predictably she gets hundreds of offers, but none are suitable. Eventually she answers her doorbell to see a man with no arms and no legs. "Who are you?" asks she. "I'm your dream husband!" replies he, "I've got no arms so I can't beat you up and no legs so I can't run away." "Are you good in bed?" "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

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What's yellow and lives off dead beetles? Yoko Ono

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I enjoy masturbating twice a day. The other three times are a bit of a chore.

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Alice and Eddie, a middle-aged couple had been finding it increasingly difficult to pay their bills in Starmer's Britain. When a £300 electric bill arrived Eddie said "There's only one thing for it my love, you're going to have to go on the game!" So Alice got scrubbed up, put her most alluring underwear on and Eddie dropped her at the docks, "I'll pick you up at 4am, make sure that you get at least £300!" 4am arrives, Eddie pulls up next to the docks and Alice climbed into the car looking a bit disheveled, immediately she announced "I have enough to pay the bill, and a bit left over". Eddie asked "How much did you get altogether?" "Three hundred pounds and fifty pence" she replied. George, slightly surprised, said "Well done my love, but who on earth gave you fifty pence??!" Alice, looked puzzled and answered, "They all did!"

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My neighbour accused me of stealing her underwear off her clothesline. I was so surprised I nearly shit her knickers.

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With anti-Semitic attacks on the rise and the terror level threat increased I just want to say that all this shoehorning cheap puns into jokes at the expense of Jewish people are an abomination Anne Frankly they need to stop.

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I was walking down a street in Saudi Arabia holding my boyfriend's hand. I don't know where he is, but the stupid twat must have stolen something.

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The wife said she's had enough and wants us to try separate beds. Hers will be in Manchester and mine will be in Cardiff.

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A cop stops a little old lady driving a Mini. He jokingly asks, "Any weapons in the car?" "Yes," she replies, " a .38 in the glove box, a 9mm on my ankle, a .45 on my hip and a pump action on the back seat." "Bloody hell," says the cop. "What are you frightened of?" "Fucking nothing," she replied.

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