London has such a caring community. I've just seen a group of homeless people giving each other the flu vaccine under a bridge.

0 comments

As we left the restaurant, she kissed me and said, "We should have dinner again." "I don't think so," I replied, "I'm full."

0 comments

Never thought I'd see anything more ironic than a guy in a wheelchair eating a bag of Walkers. Then I saw a black guy drinking a bottle of Innocent.

3 comments

I was showing my kids how to skim stones over water today but what a bunch of miserable bastards they are in the local swimming pool.

0 comments

The Paki bloke at work showed me his tattoo. "Isn't that one of those that wash off,?" I asked. "I don't know," he replied.

0 comments

As I answered the front door dressed in high heals, stockings & suspenders, leather mini skirt and bright red lipstick, the Avon lady asked "Hello Sir, is your wife at home"?. To which I replied "Take a wild guess love!"

0 comments

What's the difference between a military base and a school? Don't ask me, I only fly the drone.

0 comments

Walking around Liverpool with my missus she said to me, "What are all these bits of chocolate bars that are left everywhere? I've seen loads, " "They're Mars bars, " I replied, "it's the bit that helps you work. "

0 comments

You know it was a good Christmas party when your P45 arrives at your house before you do.

0 comments

My 4 year old daughter came into my bedroom and said, "Daddy, I'm scared. Can I sleep in your bed?" "No," I replied, "I'm not having that fucking monster follow you into my room."

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Abdul and myself were walking past a school when an absolute stunning young girl around 14 came out of the gate, she has everything, huge tits, long dark hair, a voluptuous arse and a beauty of a natural Spanish senorita. "Fuck me, " said Abdul, "I'll bet she was fit when she was younger. "

0 comments

chatting to a young girl in the pub last night i said to her " so what do they call you then?"....she replied " vivaldi", so i said " is that after the great composer?".... she said, " no, its because my name is viv and i work at Aldi"...

0 comments

I just invented a new word. Plagiarism.

0 comments

My wife is leaving me and taking the kids because of my obsession with horse racing. They are at the gate now, and they're off....

2 comments

I've put my Rottweiler on a vegan diet. So far, he's eaten three of the cunts.

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I went to the shop on my bicycle and bought a bottle of whiskey. As I set off home I thought, "If I fall off my bike, the bottle of whisky will break. I'd better drink it now." Lucky I did, because I fell off seven times on the way home.

0 comments

My mate has OCD, so I bought him a picture of the Leaning Tower of Pisa. He's going fucking nuts trying to hang it straight.

0 comments

Just about to watch Big Naughty Anal Sluts 3, but if I haven't seen the first two, will I still be able to follow the story?

1 comment

The school phoned me and said "Can you come down, your son has been telling lies again" I said "Well tell him he's good, i haven't got any kids"

0 comments

There's a woman in our pub who is so ugly that if she gives you a blowjob it counts as anal.

0 comments

The doctor told me I should take up something that gets me out of the pub. So I've started smoking.

0 comments

Jake Paul felt like he was hit by a truck Anthony Joshua.... hold my beer!

0 comments

' Why does everyone think that Chinese people look the same,father? ' said the small Chinese boy. ' I don't know, ' replied the man, ' and by the way,I am not your father. '

0 comments

I always sweat a lot when I have sex. Probably due to the wool in my balaclava.

0 comments

I like my steaks rare. Tonight I'm having panda.

0 comments

Did you know... Black men's semen is more nutritious than white men's? It contains more calories. I have no scientific proof. It's just that their girlfriends are always fat cocksucking whores.

0 comments

Probably the sickest joke I ever wrote. Abdul my next door neighbour came round crying and distraught, "My baby girl has died in her cot in the night he cried. " "Oh dear, " I said trying not to laugh, "never mind Abdul, just think of her as another virgin in paradise now for your brave soldiers. "

1 comment

A woman on a dating site sent me a message saying, "Wow, your absolutely gorgeous. How come your still single?" It's spelled "you're", I replied.

0 comments

"Come in number 9 your time is up" "Boss, we’ve only got 8 boats." "No 6 are you in trouble?"

1 comment

I hate it when there isn't any toilet paper and you have to do that stupid walk with your trousers around your ankles. Anyway, I'm nearly at the corner shop now.

0 comments

What do a puppy and a nearsighted gynecologist have in common? A wet nose.

0 comments

I went on an African Safari and got lost. Somehow,I stumbled across a tribe that rarely makes contact with society. ' What do you do with yourselves all day? ' I asked the chief. ' We hunt and fuck, ' he replied. ' What do you hunt, ' I enquired. ' Anything we can fuck, ' he said.

0 comments

There's a big orange rabbit walking round our village telling everyone that I'm not taking my medication.

0 comments

I asked my Greek girlfriend if I could try it in the 'other hole'. "No,"she replied, "I don't want to get pregnant."

0 comments

I sleep better when I'm naked. I just wish the passengers on this flight were a bit more understanding.

0 comments

Don't get one of those rescue cats. My gran had one, she fell, and the cat just literally sat there and did nothing.

0 comments

As my wife lay in the coma the doctors approached the life support machine. "No, no, please," I sobbed, "just a little while longer. ' But my pleading didn't help. They woke her up.

0 comments

Sadly my obese parrot has died from over eating . At least it's a huge weight off my shoulders .

0 comments

A man phones his wife late at night. ' Where the fuck are you? ' the wife screams. ' I'm in hospital and I'm lucky to be alive.When I left work I collapsed in the car park.Fortunately,Tina was there and she carried out CPR until the ambulance came.The doctor told me I had a massive heart attack.' says the man ' Who's Tina, ' asks the wife.

0 comments

I do an evening of stand up comedy and jokes for the patients at our local Hospice every six weeks. It always goes down very well. The good news is that I never need to change my act.

0 comments

Two flies decided to have a race from one side of a black man's lips to the other. The first fly went flat out all the way and was shocked to see the second fly already there,relaxing in a deck chair. ' How did you manage to get here before me, ' said the first fly. ' I took a short cut round the back of his head, ' replied the second fly.

0 comments

Let's give this Dry January a go then.......

0 comments

If it grows hair and has milk..its a mammal...like the coconut..

0 comments

My wife says and does the nicest things. Just this morning she said, "I'm taking the kids and leaving you."

0 comments

I've been paying the Cat's Protection League every month for over three years. I only missed two payments and they came around and broke my cat's legs.

0 comments

Minnesotta general warning..... "Watch out for Ice when driving"

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I had only been seeing my girlfriend for two weeks when she was killed in a car crash. The first time I met her parents was at the funeral.What a pair of miserable bastards they were.

0 comments

What's the best thing about dating a homeless girl? You can drop her off anywhere.

0 comments

I walked into the pub and shouted, "All Muslims are cunts." A bloke stood up and said, "I'm offended by that." "Are you a Muslim,?" I asked. "No," he replied, "I'm a cunt."

0 comments

What has 3 doors that will never be opened? Chris Rea's advent calender.

1 comment

I went to a meeting of the "I Feel I'm Being Stalked" support group. I knew everybody there... but they didn't know me.

0 comments

I just read that the chap who drove into the crowd in Liverpool has been sentenced to 21 years…which ironically is how long the scousers will keep on about it

0 comments

Our mum died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to "be positive" but it’s really hard without her.

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We were waiting to pick the kids up at the school and I said to the bloke next to me, "Look at the arse and the size of those tits on that little blonde fucker there, I'll rattle the arse off her as soon as she reaches sixteen. " "Do you mind? " he replied, "that's someone's daughter you know. " "Yes, I do know, " I answered, "mine. "

0 comments

Did you know that white people own more dogs than black people. That's because it's illegal to own black people now.

0 comments

I took my son to see Santa today, but as soon as he sat on his knee he started crying. "What's wrong?" I asked. "It's this job mate, I fucking hate it"

0 comments

I saw a woman in Tesco struggling to control her kids. She looked really stressed. Then she accidently knocked over and smashed a bottle of milk. She dropped to her knees and burst into tears, surrounded by spilled milk. It reminded me of something my dad used to say to my mum, so I walked over to her and said; "Get a fucking grip, you stupid cow."

0 comments

I phoned the Child Abuse Hotline. A kid answered, called me a cunt and told me to fuck off.

0 comments

After visiting Sickipedia.net earlier, I’ve decided to liven my day up by going onto my dead gran’s Facebook profile..

2 comments

I was walking down a street in Saudi Arabia holding my boyfriend's hand. I don't know where he is, but the stupid twat must have stolen something.

1 comment

The wife said she's had enough and wants us to try separate beds. Hers will be in Manchester and mine will be in Cardiff.

0 comments

I dropped the soap in the prison showers this morning. A big nigger, with a cock like a python, handed it back to me. "Nice try, you ugly cunt," he said.

0 comments

"Don't believe everything you read on the Internet." Abraham Lincoln 1862

0 comments

I remember when I was at school a policeman came in and did a talk on drugs. We couldn't understand a word he was saying.

0 comments

I met a man who used to play the triangle in a Jamaican Reggae Band but he got fed up and left. He said it was just one ting after another.

0 comments

When I die people are going to say two things. Some will say, "He was a miserable, racist bastard." Others will say, "Yep, you're right."

0 comments

18:54 Arrive at crime scene. 18:54 Examine body. 18:54 Search the area. 18:54 Find the murder weapon. 18:54 Realise watch has stopped.

0 comments

My dad used to slave 12 hours a day to put food on the table I've never known a man cook so fucking slowly.

0 comments

I met my wife when we both worked at the abattoir. She was stunning.

0 comments

If the Americans had known how much trouble the niggers were going to cause they'd have picked the cotton themselves.

0 comments

Did you know that Kerry Katona doesn’t actually own a cat.

1 comment

My son asked me if he was adopted. "Of course not," I replied, "I wouldn't have chosen a useless little cunt like you."

0 comments

I'm not saying I'm a hard bastard... but my birth mark is shaped like a coat hanger.

0 comments

I recently discovered that a man has been sending my wife sexy lingerie in the post. All I'll say is this: Watch your back, John Lewis. Watch your fucking back.

1 comment

Many years ago,the Spanish discovered a new country and they called it Argentina, which means ' land of silver '. Then they discovered Nigeria.

0 comments

A famous artist who had brown fingers. Picasso.

0 comments

Paedophiles are nasty, irritating bastards.But,to be fair,you will never see them speeding near schools or nurseries.

1 comment

I went to the dentist today and he said I should have a crown. I thought, At last! Someone who really understands me.

0 comments

My phone rang unexpectedly. ' Hello, this is Mr Richardson here, your son's music teacher. ' ' Hi,how can I help you? ' I asked. ' I think we have another Elvis on our hands, ' Mr Richardson said. ' Really! I didn't realise he was so talented, ' I replied. ' He isn't.We found him dead in the toilet when he went for a shit, ' Mr Richardson said.

0 comments

I broke up with my girlfriend when she confessed that she used to walk the streets and fuck random people. I could never date a traffic warden.

0 comments

A solicitor calls his wealthy art collector client and says, "Sir Ian, I have some good news, and I have some bad news." The client replied, "I've had an tough day. Give me the good news first!" The lawyer said, "Well, I met with Lady Pamela today, and she informed me that she just invested £50,000 in some pictures that she thinks will soon be worth about £50 million, I've looked at them and I think she could be right." Sir Ian replied enthusiastically, "Wow, that's incredible, my wife is a shrewd investor and I never even knew it, you've just made my day! Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?" The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and some rent boys in a motel."

0 comments

Just received my Valentine's card off Moonpig. She hates it when i call her that.

2 comments

I saw some black guys spray painting their names on a wall and decided to join them. I'd only done the first three letters of my name when they started beating the shit out of me. I guess they don't like people called Nigel.

0 comments

I went into an Ethiopian gift shop, "Have you got an I am four birthday card please?" I asked. "Sorry, " said the shopkeeper, "we've never needed them. "

0 comments

"Who's a pretty boy then,?" I said, as I pushed a dry cracker through the bars of the cage. "I want my mummy," he sobbed.

0 comments

I said, "The second best way to have sex with a woman is to be funny." "What's the first?," she asked. "A knife," I replied. "Haha," she laughed, "you're funny." "Good choice,"I said.

0 comments

There is one thing that white men and black men do have in common. They don't like bringing up black kids.

0 comments

When my wife saw my face, after all this time, she burst into tears. It was then that she realised... Witness Protection is a joke.

0 comments

After cutting my female neighbours grass she knocked on my door and said "Thank you, I could marry you!" What's the world coming to, you do something nice for someone and they threaten to fuck your life up beyond belief?

0 comments

A young mum I know posted on Facebook "My toddler crawled under the garden fence today lol. Nails and wood will be out tomorrow." xxx I thought, fucking hell, crucifixion seems a bit harsh for just doing that ......

1 comment

What's rude and very aggressive? Me you fat cunt

0 comments

I told myself I shouldn't drink so much. However, I'm not going to listen to a drunken cunt who talks to himself.

0 comments

The teacher called little Johnny to her desk and said, "The essay you wrote about your pet dog is word-for-word the same as your brother's. What do you have to say for yourself?" "Of course it is!" said little Johnny. "It's the same fucking dog!"

0 comments

Our family were so poor that my mother used to send me next door with a button and ask our neighbour to sew a shirt on it.

0 comments

I slept with my best friend's wife last night and now i feel terrible. She must have given me a cold or something.

1 comment

It had been playing on my mind for some time and I just had to find out. ' Mum, am I adopted? ' I asked. ' No,son ' she replied. 'We did put you up for adoption once but nobody wanted you.'

0 comments

There's two reasons I won't give money to beggars. 1. They'll use it to buy alcohol. 2. I want to use it to buy alcohol.

0 comments

Found an old lamp whilst I was out walking yesterday.When I gave it a rub a big genie popped out and granted me three wishes. For my first wish I asked the genie to make Keir Starmer the worst Prime Minister in British History. The genie told me I still had three wishes left.

0 comments

This vegan shit has now got out of hand. They're selling plant based alternatives to vapes. They are calling them cigarettes.

0 comments

When I was in high school there was a girl in my class called Bernie. Her full name wasn't Bernadette or Bernice, it was Susan. She just had 3rd degree burns all over her face.

0 comments

Some people say I'm a bigot but at least I'll admit there are 37 genders. Male, female and 35 kinds of faggot.

0 comments

"Do you think I'm sexy with lingerie on or completely naked?," asked my wife. "No," I replied.

0 comments

I went to visit my Jewish neighbour yesterday, and found him stripping the wallpaper off the walls. I said "Doing a bit of renovating are you?" He said "No, we're moving house."

0 comments

When my grandad was in Auschwitz, he managed to secretly smuggle things out to my nan who he missed dearly. It was just small things, mainly gold fillings and coins.

0 comments

So I'm decluttering my house using that one simple rule - if you haven't used it in the last year, get rid of it. First item: fire extinguisher.

0 comments

At this time of year, spare a thought for those who struggle to put food on the table. Midgets?

0 comments

I used to have a nice house and a nice car until my mate introduced me to drugs. Now I have a yacht and a Caribbean island.

0 comments

I was doing some home renovations and, when I knocked through my bedroom wall, I found a full furnished hidden room. Then I remembered that I live in a block of flats.

0 comments

Nobody was interested in my carpentry class. Then I offered to teach them how to make glory holes. Now they're all coming out of the woodwork.

0 comments

Thanks to supergalley for setting up this new site. The old one was about as much use as a gloryhole in a lesbian bar.

1 comment

I walked in on my little sister giving her fanny a battering with a jumbo cucumber and got annoyed, "I was going to eat that later!" Obviously I didn't eat it later because it would have tasted of cucumber!

0 comments

I rang Rochdale A.F.C about a place for my wheelchair bound wife at the ground. "Well I think she'll be ok, " I was told, "but she'll probably have to play in goal. "

0 comments

I bought a gun because I have a fear of eagles. "You're getting carried away," said my wife. "Not without a fucking fight I'm not," I replied.

0 comments

My missus has just told me that shaving takes the weight off my face. So I suggested she shave her arse.

0 comments

I came up behind my wife and starting feeling her tits, hoping to get lucky. Unfortunately I didn't find any lumps.

0 comments

A woman walks up to the bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre. So he gives it to her.

3 comments

What's better than winning gold in the Special Olympics? The taste of the windows inside the Sunshine Variety Coach that took you there! p.s. Why are they called 'Variety Coaches' when all the kids inside look the same?

0 comments

I was telling a mate how i recentley met this woman. i told him "She's like a real fox.", "is it because she's really hot" he asked.." no" said me, " its because she's hairy and eats out of bins"....

0 comments

My mates all say I’m a bit of a pub scarecrow. I stand in the corner and frighten all the birds.

0 comments

My new girlfriend said I should buy her some flowers. I said why spend money on something that's going to be dead in a few days?

0 comments

Warning: This movie 'MAY' contain nudity? Either it does or it doesn't, don't waste my fucking time.

1 comment

My doctor told me to stop drinking so I decided to make a massive change in my life. It's going to take some getting used to. I've been with that doctor for twenty years.

0 comments

Donald Trump says he 'wasn't worried' by the shooting incident at the White House Correspondents' dinner. He told reporters, 'It all went exactly as we rehearsed.'

0 comments

The doctor asked, "Do you drink, take drugs or have gay sex?" "Yes," I replied. "What are you doing tonight?," he said.

0 comments

A cop stops a little old lady driving a Mini. He jokingly asks, "Any weapons in the car?" "Yes," she replies, " a .38 in the glove box, a 9mm on my ankle, a .45 on my hip and a pump action on the back seat." "Bloody hell," says the cop. "What are you frightened of?" "Fucking nothing," she replied.

0 comments

Modern looters are soft! Back in the 70's you had to be fucking hard to run with a colour TV.

0 comments

My wife just screamed at me "i hope you are fucking happy now?" I don't think she means it though.

0 comments

I've always liked learning new synonyms. Last night, at a wine tasting, I learnt that 'sophisticated palate' means exactly the same thing as 'pretentious cunt.'

0 comments

What do you call a black man in disguise? Incognegro.

0 comments

Women and dog shit. The older they get the easier they are to pick up.

0 comments

Had a bit of a row with my girlfriend in the pub last night and she ended up going off with 2 blokes in their van! Bloody paramedics.

0 comments

I went to the mortuary to identify my wife's body. When they removed the sheet I started sobbing uncontrollably. It wasn't her.

0 comments

The doctor said to me, "You'll be at peace soon." "Am I dying?,"I asked. "No," he replied, "Your wife is."

0 comments

The salesman said, "This sofa will seat five people without any problems." "Fucking hell," I thought, "Where am I supposed to find five people without any problems."

0 comments

Adding a colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example: Bob ate Jane's sandwich. Bob ate Jane's colon.

0 comments

Never had a seaside holiday in the UK before,so we booked a week at Skegness. Our neighbour said we should go on a donkey ride there. What a fucking nightmare, it took us three days.

0 comments

I went for a job interview yesterday. The manager handed me a pen and a piece of paper and asked me to describe myself in three words. I wrote, Lazy.

1 comment

just bought a new present for my wife that i think might liven her up a bit in the bed. Its a defibrillator.

0 comments

I saw a book advertised on the internet that guarantees to reduce your debt by 50%. I ordered two copies.

0 comments

A newlywed calls her mother and says, 'On my wedding night, I discovered that John only has one foot.' Her mother replies, "Count yourself lucky! Your father only has four inches."

0 comments

What's 10 foot long and stinks of piss?? Conga line in an old peoples home

0 comments

Hamish lived a very frugal life in the Highlands. One day he came home to find his cottage had been burgled. His few possessions had been scattered across the floor but nothing had been stolen. Hamish noticed that the burglar had taken a shit in the big pot of stew he had made that morning. Hamish was annoyed that he had to throw half of it away.

1 comment

I saw a black man with seven fingers today. Turns out he was eating a Kit-Kat.

0 comments

I was so hungover this morning I just stood in the shower for nearly an hour. Then I turned it on.

0 comments

A black man picks up a white woman in a nightclub. When they get home the woman says, ' Come on then,show me what they say about black men is true.' So he stabbed her and stole her purse.

0 comments

Irony...The assisted dying bill has run out of time

0 comments

I always feel so proud when I tell people that some of my father's work is currently on display at the Tate Gallery in London. He painted all the skirting boards there.

0 comments

I was parked in a disabled zone, when a traffic warden knocked on my window. "What's your disability then?," he asked. "Tourettes," I replied, "Now fuck off, you cunt."

0 comments

My brother said, "I've just seen your girlfriends number written on a toilet wall. " "So fucking what, " I replied, "how do you think I met her. "

0 comments

I found a lump underneath my wife's breast. Nothing to worry about, it was just her kneecap.

0 comments

Apparently " Harder" is not a good choice of safe-word

0 comments

My missus was moaning and said I should try walking a mile in her shoes. Pfftt, stupid cow, she obviously has no Idea what I get up to when she fucks off to bingo.

0 comments

The Flintstones cartoon has been syndicated to parts of the middle East. Apparently the people of Dubai don't like it. But the people of Abu Dhabi do!

0 comments

They say that one out of every four people has the potential to be a serial killer. So I killed three of my closest friends. I should be safe now.

0 comments

I went to visit my wife in hospital and took her flowers. My girlfriend will love them.

0 comments

I went for a job with the RSPB. The interviewer asked me what could I tell them about Barn Swallows. Didn't he invent the Bouncing Bomb?

0 comments

I was playing loud music on the stereo yesterday morning, my neighbours loved it! They were banging on the walls requesting "Sunday Bloody Sunday" and Eminem's "Kill You". Nod to Gungho_ED.

0 comments

Q: How do you stop a paki from choking? A: No one knows because no one has ever tried.

0 comments

Can’t believe they released the Epstein files to cover up for the Melania movie.

0 comments

My dad always used to say, when one door closes, another one will always open. Lovely fellow, terrible submarine captain.

0 comments

I know a chap who works for the FBI.. He pretends to be a 13 year old girl and chats online to child molesters and stalkers all day.. I don't know what he does for the FBI.

0 comments

I said to my mate, "Did you know that hamsters die after sex?" "I don't think they do," he replied. "Well, the one I fucked did," I said.

1 comment

I will never forgive my sister for marrying a black man. Every time we have a family photograph he sticks out like a turd in a fruit bowl.

1 comment

I bought a alcoholic ginger beer. He wasn't happy.

0 comments

After years of not speaking to my neighbour thinking he was a bit of a twat, turns out he's a brilliant bloke. He's run off with my wife.

0 comments

Using only a .22 pistol I survived a grizzly bear attack. My friend, who I shot in the knee, wasn't so lucky.

0 comments

My wife left me today. I'm gutted, I'd just bought a seesaw.

0 comments

Rosie Jones said when she was younger that she wanted to be a comedian when she grew up. They all laughed. Well they’re not laughing now!!! 🤣

0 comments

My daughter's kitten died, so I got her another one. Now she's got two dead kittens.

0 comments

I think I might have something wrong with one of my testicles. The middle one is hanging lower than the other two.

0 comments

A bloke shouted across the lake..:"how do I get to the other side"?.. I shouted back....." Your on the other side"!

0 comments

Ten years ago I swore I'd never drink at work again. Haven't touched a job since.

0 comments

At her front door she kissed me and whispered in my ear, "Would you like to stay here tonight?" "No," I replied and walked away. Why would I want to stand outside her house all night?

0 comments

I don't believe that elephants are being poached in Africa. Those niggers don't have pan big enough or any water.

0 comments

What's the difference between a baby and a trampoline? You take your boots off before jumping on a trampoline.

0 comments

I've found something that totally eliminates the urge to smoke cigarettes. Heroin.

0 comments

I got a job as a bellhop in a swanky hotel. On my first day the manager said 'Please show this couple up.' I said 'Well his tailor is awful, and judging by the age difference she's only with him for his money.'

0 comments

Gemma Collins,always handy to have around when you need to close a over packed suitcase.

0 comments

Bit of a drop on. Those who have been burned beyond recognition in Switzerland, are only 70 miles away from Dignatas

0 comments

Every New Year's Eve I go to the annual Bulimic's Ball. It's always heaving. (and there's no fat birds)

0 comments

Knowing there would be lots of kissing on New Years Eve, I decided to shave off the moustache, unfortunately she woke up when I sprayed the shaving foam on her face.

0 comments

I realise now that I should have told my three kids not to play with matches. Anyway, I've told my two kids not to do it again.

0 comments

I've just started reading my first ever Braille horror story. I think something bad is about to happen... I can feel it.

1 comment

For Sale: Bottles of sauce. HP available.

0 comments

To all those who received a book off me for Christmas: they're due back at the library on the 2nd of January.

0 comments

I've been trying to find out from the wife all week how her treatment went for frigidity. She's remaining very tight lipped though.

0 comments

Well that's all the Christmas presents put in their correct place. Ebay.

0 comments

I've created an app where customers can order drugs and have it send to them. Its called Instantgram.

0 comments

A local junkie returns to Boots and smashes up the chemist. It would appear that there was Methadone in his madness...

0 comments

My neighbour and her new boyfriend both have osteoporosis. They met on Snapchat.

0 comments

I was driving home the other day when I came up to one of those half barrier level crossings. The red lights were flashing and the barriers were on their way down so I stopped. Suddenly a car full of muslim's pulled out and tried to beat the barriers. They got half way across when a train hit them, the car was destroyed and all the occupants were killed instantly. I sat there open mouthed and thought "Bloody hell, that could have easily been me!" So later that day I sent off my train drivers application form to Network Rail.

0 comments

What's red and white and flies through the air on Christmas Eve? Depressed American people's brains.

0 comments

I got home from work and my American wife had befriended a transvestite tramp and dressed him in one of her old dresses, "Tell me the truth love, " she asked, "does my bum look big in this?"

0 comments

Did you know Jeremy Corbyn has a tattoo? It's on his lampshade.

0 comments

I'm conducting scientific research regarding men having sex with dogs. If anybody wants me I'll be in my lab.

0 comments

My wife makes my heart skip a beat every time I see her. Wish I'd never bought her that Tazer to be honest.

0 comments

Where's the place that little people create Christmas toys for all the good girls and boys? China.

0 comments

My wife asks me, "What do you like most about me, my pretty face, or my sexy body?" I looked at her and said, "I like your sense of humour!"

0 comments

Teacher asks her class, "If I said, 'I am beautiful,' which tense is that?" One kid replies, "It is obviously past."

0 comments

I went for a walk with a beautiful woman. Then she noticed me. So, we went for a run.

0 comments

Me and the family are going to spend Christmas in Australia and see Bondi Beach's famous red sand.

1 comment

If a female comedian tells a joke and nobody laughs, does she have to make everyone a sandwich?

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"Do you remember that row twenty years ago when we sat down and wrote down each others faults?" I said to my wife. "Oh God yes, I still have mine somewhere, " she said with a giggle. "I've finished, " I replied.

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I got up this morning and my wife was sat under the tree stark naked with her legs wide open, "Come get your Christmas present, " she said. "Can you take it back tomorrow and get me a smaller size?" I asked.

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My wife came running in from the garden screaming, "A SNAKE, A SNAKE. " So I quickly went out to have a look, "Whats seventeen plus thirty two? " I shouted at it. "Forty nine, " the snake hissed back. "It's ok, " I shouted to my wife, it's not poisonous, it's only an adder. "

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This Muslim I was working with on a tower scaffolding lost his footing and slipped, I managed to grab his hand as he was dangling 150 feet in the air. "Please, please, " he pleaded, "don't let me drop, " "Will you eat my bacon sandwich if I pull you up? " I asked, "Yes, yes, of course I will, " he said. So I let him go, I'm not having a fucking Muslim steal my breakfast.

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I'm always left rather disappointed when they release a new batch of Epstein's photo's... None of them show a 12 year old's minge.

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I was in a restaurant and knocked a spoon on the floor. A passing customer picked it up for me, "Hello, " he said, "I'm Uri Gellar, the famous spoon bender. " "Spoons? " I replied, "can you not just shove cocks up your arse like normal benders?"

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A man and a woman who had never met before found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly: him in the upper bunk and her in the lower. At 1:00 AM the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Get your own fucking blanket.

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A man walks into a barber shop and looks at the barber. He says, “How long until I can get a hair cut?” The barber looks around his shop and then says, “Three hours.” The man says okay and then leaves. Three hours go by and he doesn’t come back. A few days later the man is back at the barber shop. He asks, “How long until I can get a hair cut?” The barber looks around and says, “About two and a half hours.” The man nods and then leaves and he doesn’t come back. The man does this for a while. One day he comes in again and asks, “How long until I can get a haircut?” The barber, a bit hesitant, says “About an hour, you can chill here if you want.” The man shakes his head and says, “It’s okay. I’ll be back,” and he leaves. The barber looks at one of his friends and says, “Follow that guy. I wanna know what he’s doing.” The friend nods and follows the stranger. When the friend gets back he’s laughing. The barber says, “Where did he go?” The friend says, “To your house.”

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What do they sing at woke Christmas parties? We wish that you hadn't said that, We wish that you hadn't said that, We wish that you hadn't said that, And we know where you live! 🎅🎄❄️☃️🎁🦌

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Old? Alone this Christmas? That's society's way of tellng you you're a cunt.

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Abdul at work was proper upset, "What's up mate?" I asked him. "It's my wife, " he said, "we had a serious row last night, she proper spit the dummy. " "Oh dear, " I replied, "never mind, I'm sure you can pop by Mothercare on your way home and pick her a new one up. "

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An alien walks into a bar. He's 9 foot tall, bright green, silver suit, 28 tentacles, the whole shebang. Everyone's stunned into silence, however the landlord who's used to keeping his cool says, "Welcome stranger. Would you like a pint of bitter?" "No thank you," says the alien "I'm into Stella."

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"Oh dear, he's missed the blue after avoiding brown and dropped the green. " I said. "I didn't know snooker was still on, I thought it had finished, " replied my wife. "It has, " I answered, "I'm watching the council bin man. "

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This Christmas tree I bought is terrible. I haven't seen this many needles on the ground since I walked past Ibrox.

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An Amazon driver asked me the time...I said it's between 9am and 8pm

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My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?

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I thought opening a door for a lady was good manners, but she just screamed and flew out of the plane

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Q: What do you get a pregnant teen for Christmas? A: A coat hanger.

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A driver is travelling through a forest when he comes across a man tied to a tree stark-bollock naked. The driver stops, and gets out and asks the man what's wrong. "Well, I was driving along and I stopped because I saw a woman lying in the road so I stopped. I went to help her when I felt someone clout me over the back of the head and I blacked out. When I awoke I found myself tied to this tree, and my car was gone." said the man. "That's terrible!" said the driver. "It gets worse...", continued the man, "...I was found by a passing truck driver. He got out of his cab, and finding me like this, stole my wallet, my phone, and my house-keys". "That's horrendous." exclaimed the driver. "It gets even worse..." said the man, close to tears "... after he left a tramp wandered by, and finding me like this, stole all my clothes, leaving me here as you find me." "D'you know what?" asked the driver. "What?" replies the man. "It's just not your lucky day." says the driver, as he unzips his trousers...

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I bought a T shirt with the movie ‘Groundhog day’ on it years ago… Not worn anything else since.

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My elderly mother needed assistance with her bath, so I asked my girlfriend if she'd mind helping me out. "Of course," she smiled. "What do you want me to do?" "You just turn the taps on," I replied. "I'll hold her under."

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Little Johnny was curious as to the mysteries of female anatomy, so he decided one day to approach his father, who was sure to be a learned scholar on the subject. "Daddy," said Johnny, "what does a vagina look like?" Somewhat unprepared for this question, Johnny's old man took some time to gather himself, and replied with a knowledgeable smile: "Well, before a woman has sex with a man, a vagina looks like a delicate flower bud, glistening ever-so-slightly in the morning dew." "And what does it look like after she's had sex?" asked Johnny. "Like a bulldog eating mayonnaise."

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I like to fuck two women in bed. Why? Because when I'm done they have someone to talk to.

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My 91 year old mother phoned me up to say she had had enough of living and asked me the best way to end her life. I told her to hold a gun under her left breast and pull the trigger. Later that evening I was informed that she had been rushed to hospital after blowing her left kneecap off.

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A young lady is on a cliff edge about to jump to her death. She is approached by a young man who asks if she's going to kill herself and to her reply of, "yes" he asks if she can give him a blow job. "Sure life sucks, I may as well too". When she's done he tells her it was great and asks why she's going to kill herself; to which she replies "My parents disowned me for dressing like a woman"

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'Get down' means different things to different people. To 1970's American blacks it was a hip term to chill out, to my dog it means 'get off the furniture' To Katie Price it means Harvey's escaped again

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What's the difference between 'Influencers' and 'Influenza'? I can tolerate Influenza for a week.

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They say that jogging in your 60's is a good way to meet people. I just met 2 paramedics, a nurse, a doctor, and almost Jesus.

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I tried to log into my Facebook account recently, only to find I've been permanently banned from the site. Guess I must have posted something that upset that nigger-loving faggot-ass kike Zuckerberg, or his chink bitch wife.

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Stormzy has said he has been called a nigger on numerous occasions by the police. Sting and his boys say it like it is.

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Paddy: I'm going to Majorca on holiday this year. Mick: It's not Majorca it's Mayorca,because the Spanish pronounce the J as a Y. Paddy: Oh? Mick: When are you thinking of going? Paddy: Yune or Yuly.

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My grandad died when I was quite young.I'll never forget his last words. ' Will you stop fucking about with that ladder. '

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Starmer says it is ‘staggering’ and ‘unforgivable’ he was not told Mandelson failed vetting. Yup. It's also untrue.

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"How long do cats usually sleep for?" I asked the vet over the phone. "On average about fifteen hours a day." he told me. "So eight months is excessive then."? I asked.

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I hate it when a beggar shakes his coin cup at me. There's no need to rub it in, I know you've got more money than me.

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I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81. He said, 'No.'

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Princess Diana melted in my arms as I sucked her tits and fingered her. Anyway, I'm now banned from Madame Toussauds.

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A woman ran into a police station shrieking "Help, help, I've been aped!" The Desk Sergeant said "Miss, do you mean raped?" She replied "No, they were niggers!" Nod to Allobosca!

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Jesus walks into a hotel, drops four nails on the counter, and says "Put me up for the night."

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I really know how to turn on a woman. By the time we are ready to fuck, she is wetter than Stevie Wonder's toilet floor.

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A woman phones up the police and states that she's been "graped" The police reply "don't you mean raped" "No, there was a bunch of them"

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Getting molested as a youth led me as an adult to frequently dress as a clown and perform at parties. Ronald McFondled

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I saw a pretty lass in the pub last night, so I went over to talk to her. She said, 'Get lost, loser.' I replied, 'Loser? Me? I'll have you know I'm in the Guinness Book of Records.' 'Really? What for?' 'Highest reading ever obtained on a police breathalyser.'

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What do vegetarian worms eat? Linda McCartney.

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I attended my first Liars Anonymous meeting last night. They asked me to talk for a few minutes about myself.However,the other members found me so interesting I talked for over an hour. I've just received a phone call this morning,they want me to be their President.

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What is the most dangerous drug in prison? Viagra.

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I was clearing out my late Nan's house and I found an interesting looking Chinese vase in a box in the attic. I wondered if it was valuable, perhaps Qing or Ming dynasty. So I placed it with Sothebys Auctioneers. I'm delighted to say that it sold for a six-figure sum! £6

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Two Japanese sewage workers have been working the same stretch of sewer for twenty years, one on the day shift, one on the night shift. Every daily change of shift as one is entering the sewer, the other is leaving. In twenty years they never say a word to each other. Anyway, they are both up for retirement, and as they are long serving, hardworking city employees, the city lay on a party for them. So there they are sitting there, both holding a drink, one of them decides he's going to break the ice. He walks over, says 'hello' - the other says 'hello' back, and says 'you know what, we've been working in the same place for so long, and never said a word'. To which the other replies 'I know, we've just been two nips that pass in the shite'.

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I got my phone bill earlier and it came to over £200. That's the last time I ring "Stuttering Sluts Live."

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At the end of the Last Supper Jesus was handed the bill. He began shaking his head and said, ' what idiot ordered the wine? '

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I've discovered that I have a superpower. I can melt ice cubes just by staring at them. It takes a while though.

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What do you call a Somalian standing on a snow topped mountain? A 99.

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I hug my girlfriend really tight after sex. That way she deflates much quicker.

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Robbie Williams says "fame should come with a health warning". I think he means an expiration date.

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What's worse than finding a maggot in your apple? Having a Miscarriage

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My wife really knows how to show me a good time. She often points at people and says, "Look, they're having a good time."

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What do you call a dog with wings? Linda McCartney

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How do you stop black kids from jumping on their beds? Put Velcro on the ceiling

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The wife and I have decided not to have children. The kids are taking it quite badly.

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Our English teacher came into the classroom and put a snake on the desk. As we all crowded around to see it, he said, "This snake will help you to understand that using correct English is very important." "Is it poisonous?," asked Mary. "No," he replied. Mary reached out to stroke it and was immediately bitten. Within seconds she was spasming and foaming at the mouth. "However, it is venomous," he said.

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Rachel Reeves is touring Wales in her chauffeur driven car. The chauffeur forgets about the 20 mph limit and is speeding at 21mph. Suddenly a cow jumps over the hedge right in front of the car and is killed. She orders the chauffeur to go and tell the farmer. He is gone for 6 hours. When he gets back he is drunk with his hat missing, his hair ruffled and with a huge grin on his face. What happened to you she demands you’ve been gone hours. He replies the farmer opened his best bottle of whiskey for me, his wife cooked me a stunning meal and his daughter made love to me. What on earth did you tell him she demanded, I said I was Rachel Reeves chauffeur and I’ve killed the cow.

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The landlord in our local says he doesn't water the beer down but every time he pulls a pint a rainbow appears over the tap.

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God shows Adam and Eve the Garden of Eden and explains it is their paradise.Both of them are stunned by it's beauty. ' Wait, ' says Adam, ' who is that wrinkly old bastard over there? ' ' Oh, don't worry about him, ' replied God, ' he's been here longer than me. That's Keith Richards.'

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There's a lot of murders in my neighbourhood but the rent is cheap. That's why I keep murdering people in my neighbourhood.

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The definition of love. Someone you want to fuck twice.

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You can tell the days are getting longer. It's half past 6 and I can still see how ugly the wife is.

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My father was a strict disciplinarian. If he caught me swearing he would wash my mouth out with soapy water. If he caught me with cocaine he would rub my nose in it.

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The Beatles have decided to release their last ever album. It's absolute rubbish,all drums and bass.

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What's better than winning gold at the Paralympics? Not being disabled in the first place.

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My wife likes to talk during sex. Last week she phoned me from the back of a car.

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Ian Huntley walks into a bar….😀😀😀

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Add a hilarious twist to a classic practical joke. Fill your Nan's whoopee cushion with gravy!

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My bird said she doesn't finger herself when she's on her period. Today I caught her red-handed.

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Two men are out walking, they decide to go off in different directions, walking for 5 miles each, then they turn around and walk back again and tell each other about their adventures. They meet up, and the first man hasn't anything to report. The second one says, "I came across a lady tied to a railway track. I untied her and then made wild passionate love with her". "Wow," says the other guy, "did you get a blowjob too?" "No. I couldn't find the head".

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Was at the dentist today and it took almost an hour for me to be seen. Why is the reception desk so high?

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What's the difference between a family reunion and a 69er? In a 69er you only have to kiss one cunt.

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I would like to wish a special "Happy Women's Day" to Siri and Alexa, the only women who listen to me.

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Why doesn't Michael Barrymore have any ashtrays? Because he puts his fags out in the pool

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I was watching some children playing in the park. The bloke next to me said, "Mines the little girl playing with her doll. Which one's yours?" "I don't know," I replied, "I haven't decided yet."

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I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her arse. I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge.

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I had to see my GP yesterday with dizzy spells, he has told me that I need to masturbate more often. Well, what he actually said was "Mr Goch, you may have a stroke any time!"

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1990s - two fellas talking in the pub: "My grandfather turned 100 last week, still got all his marbles, had a telegram from the Queen." "That's nothing, my niece turned 15, got a phone call from Prince Andrew!"

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Had a bad hangover this morning so I had a Berocca. It didn't really help but it did make the vodka taste better.

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Me: "Go fuck yourself, you cunt." Lady in the queue: "Excuse me, my 10 year old son can hear you." Me: "That's who I was talking to."

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When the waiter brought my meal to the table I said, ' Why have you got your thumb on the steak? ' ' I don't want to drop it again,sir ' he replied.

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What is the national bird of Iran? A US drone

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Bought some fish for our garden pond last week but we hardly ever see them. Apparently they are Coy Carp.

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I was in a train carriage when a Muslim opened his jacket and showed his suicide vest, "Allau Akbar," he shouted. "Hang on a moment son, " I said to him,"you really don't want to do this. Do you see this hairy fat spotty greasy smelly girl stood next to me?" "Yes, " he said, "so what?" "This is my daughter," I replied, "and she's a virgin. "

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Paedophiles and clocks. They both don't go past twelve.

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I know a blonde girl who's not that attractive but after I get drunk she looks gorgeous. I've nicknamed her Guinness Paltrow.

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A husband says to his wife, "My Olympic condoms have arrived. I think I will wear gold tonight." The wife responds, "Why don't you wear silver, and come 'second' for a change?"

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My wife asked why our three year old son was crying. "He kicked me in the balls," I said. "He's only young, he doesn't understand that it hurts." "He fucking does now," I replied.

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The Royal Family is devastated after Prince Andrew's car crash next Wednesday.

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I just watched an Australian cooking show and the audience cheered when the chef made meringue. I was surprised...usually Australians boo meringue.

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I read a book about an immortal dog. It was impossible to put down.

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Doreen Lawrence has been made an honorary scouser for her ability to milk a tragedy for twenty years.

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I can't believe I got fired for taking my work home with me. Anyway, I won't be performing any more autopsies.

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I asked some African Americans what material they would choose to make Black Lives Matter t-shirts. They picked cotton.

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Do you know what separates us from animals? The English Channel.

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Cars have too many gadgets these days. I was reversing my car and it started playing a video of someone getting run over by a car.

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Megan Markle launches new website MeMeMe.com

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For Valentine's Day I'm giving my girlfriend something very special, a bottle of vintage perfume. I got it in Salisbury in 2018.

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Having pets has made my daughter learn about old age and death. Our Rottweiler killed her granny.

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My wife has left me because i'm so insecure. Hang on,,,she's back now....she was making a cup of tea.

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I went to a public execution and noticed that the bloke they were going to hang only had one arm and one leg. To make it a bit more lighthearted, I started shouting vowels and consonants.

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I told Anthony Joshua he was a big, useless, black bastard then put the phone down.

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I see America finally annexed Canada.

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My wife bought me a mood ring. When I'm happy it turns green When I'm angry it leaves a purple mark on her face.

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Why was the anti-vaxxer's 3 year old kid crying? Mid life crisis!

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My wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with the Internet. Worse than that, my son Google agrees with her.

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Apparently anything that is popular in China or India will have larger viewing figures than the Superbowl. So by that logic, ping pong and shitting in the streets is more popular than the Superbowl. Yeah, I get that.

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I bought a drum kit this week, but I was a bit worried about what the neighbours might think. But good on um! They bang along on the walls when I play and are really encouraging me

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I envy left wing people. I have to spend £50 on drugs or alcohol to act retarded. They don't have to pay a penny.

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I bought a jack in the box for 50p. But it doesn't work. Why am I not surprised.

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I went for a walk through the park and I kept on hearing, ' Mark ', ' Mark,Mark '. Five minutes later I found a dog with a hare lip tied to a lamppost.

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Annoy taxi drivers by ordering a taxi from a busy pub in the name of Spartacus.

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I couldn't understand why it was taking me longer to wash my face. Then I realised I was going bald.

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The wife's just thrown 5 cricket balls at me. I said one more and it's over.

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My ambition was to be a gynaecologist. But I failed the entrance exam.

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Why shouldn't Rosie Jones be a comedian?. For the same reason Jo Brand isn't a stripper.

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Honestly, I got my wife a personalised number plate for her birthday which she had kept hinting at and still she's not happy with it. F4 TTY.

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I hate fucking niggers. I don't even know why I do it.

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Just paid £4000 for a year's membership to the reincarnation society! Fuck it YOLO

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We went to the local Bulimic Awareness Realization Foundation meeting yesterday...or barf for short. You can bring up anything you want.

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Did you know that Raheem Sterling and Marcus Rashford both had the same nickname at school? Nigger.

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For the next month I'll be wearing pink to raise awareness for people who don't bother to separate laundry.

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My cunt of a neighbour is forever putting a knife in my sons footballs if they go in his garden. Anyway, I got my own back today, his toddler got into my garden

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I was once bitten on the arse by a German Shepherd, but he apologised afterwards and even introduced me to his dog.

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How do you starve a black person? Put their food stamp card under their workboots!

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I keep having horrible nightmares about fruit machines. My wife has been really supportive, she wakes me up with a nudge, and then she holds me.

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I was at the checkout, with two fully laden trollies, when I noticed an old lady behind me with only a pint of milk. "Is that all you've got?," I asked. "Yes," she smiled. "Well, you'd better find another till. I'm going to be fucking ages," I said.

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Poor Anne Frank, She couldn't even put milk on her Rice Krispies.

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A lot of people don't like Jimmy Savile but when I met him we had a great time. He blindfolded me and I had to guess the weight of two snooker balls in a bag.

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A bloke knocked my front door last night, "You've left your lights on mate" he said "I know, I can't find my way around the house without them" I replied.

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Londons burning actor sentenced to eight and half years for sex offences…I don’t think it will be London that’s burning for the next few years

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When my father died,all he left me was an atlas. It meant the world to me.

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I said to my wife, "Sometimes I feel really high and then I feel really low." "Get off the fucking swing, Dave," she replied.

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I like to smile at Pakistani men and then wink. It's great being an army sniper.

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I met an Irish woman last night, she said the English were the real terrorists. So IRAped her.

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I just had a threesome. It was right down and dirty. The two girls ages added together was only 26 years. To be fair, the 20 year old only watched.

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It wouldn't be Christmas without M&S. No, it would be Chrita.

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Just discovered that I am a victim of identity theft. Be warned,there are now two irritating cunts out there!

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Had a hearing test yesterday to prove to my family I wasn't going deaf. Of course I sailed through it,but afterwards the Audiologist said something strange to me. She said I should get an earring made.

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I was driving to work when a Lollipop lady cleaned the snow off my windscreen. Although, I think the impact helped a bit.

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Handy Tip. To avoid any confusion with the keys to your house,get a pink one for the front door and a brown one for the back door.

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LET'S OFFEND EVERYONE! I came out of the chip shop with a meat & potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sitting there said “I've not eaten for two days.” I told him, “I wish I had your willpower! I took my biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks and Romanian Gypsies" were not the correct answers. A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time today. She said, “Sorry about the wait.” I said, “Don't worry dear. You might lose it if you stop working in a fast food place." In the forecast! The TV weather girl said, she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, "Fat chance with a face like that!" An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks him, “What's wrong?” The boy says, “My ma is dead”. “Oh bejaysus, " the man says. “Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?” The boy replies, “No thanks, mister. Sex is the last thing on my mind at the moment.” Years ago, it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now muslims, I've found that a bacon sandwich works better! Japanese scientists have developed a camera with a breakneck shutter speed, making it possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth shut. I had a Trivia Competition in the bag until the very last question....which I got wrong. The question was, "Where do women have the curliest hair?" Apparently, the correct answer was Fiji. A woman has a medical at the doctor's. “You are grossly overweight,” he says. “I want a 2nd opinion,” she exclaims. “OK. You're bloody ugly as well.” That should more or less cover everyone !!

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Dear amazon, Could you please ask your operatives to refrain from verbally abusing me and spitting at me when delivering my parcels. Yours Mr K D Fiddler Rochdale

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Took my girlfriend to meet my parents last night.. The wife wasn't very happy though.

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This dry January is getting really hard now.

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How many animals can you fit in a pair of tights? Two calf's, ten piggies, one ass, a beaver and a fish you can never find!

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If I knew I was going to be this thirsty today, I would've drunk more last night.

1 comment

ITEMS FOR SALE: Garden Gate. No catch. Homeless Man. Still in box. Cheetah. Good runner. Rottweiler. Reluctant to let go. Geese. Pop round for a gander. etc...

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Father: Listen son, no matter what you hear or read, wanking will not make you go blind... Son: Dad, I'm over here...

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To all the blokes that got their girlfriends or wives lingerie for Christmas... On behalf of all of her male Instagram followers, cheers, we like it!

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I just found out that Sir Anthony Hopkins is Welsh. It certainly explains why he wanted those lambs to keep quiet.

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Got a fetish for old slags? Join Instagran

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I've created a social media site where adult men can lie about their age and and talk to children. Instagroom.

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Old, but gold. A man and his wife are invited to a fancy dress Christmas party. 🌲 But the wife has a headache and declines. So the man dons his reindeer 🦌 costume, and heads off to the party. About 2 hours later, the wife's headache clears. So she decides to go to the party. She puts on her ☃️ snowman costume and goes to the party. She sees her husband, drunk off his ass, and dancing with 2 young ladies. So she decides to play a trick on him, and tempt him. Now, he has no idea it's his wife behind the snowman costume. But she manages to lure him into a bedroom where they have a wild time. However, she is irate at her husband's infidelity. Afterwards, she returns home, removes her costume and climbs into bed. Around midnight the husband comes home. Wife: did you have a nice time? Husband: it was ok. Wife: are you sure you didn't have a NICE time? Husband: I told you, it was ok. When I got there, I suddenly wasn't in the mood to party as you weren't there. So I went into the garden with Bill and Steve to play poker. Wife: Really? Husband: Yeah. Oh by the way, I lent my reindeer costume to your dad. He told me as I was leaving he'd had a blast.

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I was hitchhiking and decided to show a little leg to passing vehicles. It wasn't long before a car stopped. "Where's the rest of the baby,?" asked the cop.

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I made my wife go to a fancy dress party last night as an exhaust pipe. She was fuming.

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I’ll never forget the first time I saw my wife’s chocolate starfish… That nappy was a mess.

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The idea that dressing like a slut will get you raped is simply untrue. I tried it last night and I just got the shit kicked out of me.

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The council told me to take my 12-foot high inflatable light-up animatronic Rudolf out of the garden. I said "Be reasonable, he tried to negotiate peace in 1941."

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Glad to see Kylie enjoying her number 1 at Christmas, and I'll enjoy a number 3 while thinking about that. Also, not the first time George Michael was in the number 2 slot.

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What a con. Lollipop men aren't actually made of lollipops if you run one over

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Say what you like about Vladimir Putin. He's still the best damned Geography teacher of all time.

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I asked Emily Blunt out on a date. She said "No, fuck off you ugly cunt."

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Talk about missing a trick. Sarah Cox and Joey Ball both work on Radio 2 The Cox and Balls Show.

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"You play with that bloody acoustic guitar more than you play with me, " moaned my wife. "Yes, " I replied, "It's better shaped, sounds nicer, and the hole's not as big. "

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My wife kicked me out last night for being drunk and "out of control." Fucking pathetic allowing women to be bouncers anyway.

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What’s the difference between a gay man and a refrigerator?
 The fridge doesn’t fart when you pull the meat out.

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Brother was banging his sister. He says, "You fuck like Mum," She laughs. He says, "What?" She said, "That's what Dad says"

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Last weekend I took the family to the Lake District. We had a long walk, it rained a little but we had a nice time. We saw a field of sheep and one came right up to the fence and my kids got to pet it while it ate some grass so we took some cute selfies and my wife put them on Instagram. Then we got back to town and I bought us all wool sweaters and we had a nice lamb dinner with mint gravy.

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Took the family to the circus last night. When we got home I closed my eyes and made love to my wife thinking about the trapeze artist and the way the spotlight shined off that sparkly leotard that clung to every curve of her young, athletic body. Then I opened my eyes and immediately started thinking about the elephants.

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Adult film actress Bonnie Blue to be deported from Bali. And that, children, is how the ultra plague began and that is why we will all have to live underground for the next 6 generations.

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I was at a work Christmas party until after midnight. When I got to the bottom of the stairs, I quietly got undressed and started to sneak up. "What the fuck are you doing,?" asked the bus driver.

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"What's the problem?," asked the doc. "The entrance to my arse is sore," I said. "That's probably because you call it the entrance," he replied.

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The lady who was interviewing me for a job said, "I've got three openings." "Obviously," I replied, "you're a woman."

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I got a hand job from a blind woman once. She told me, "This is the biggest dick I've ever come across." I said, "You're pulling my leg."

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The cops have just left. They said if I want to walk around my house naked, I have to do it inside.

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For Christmas this year my son wants Transformers and my daughter wants a jigsaw. Luckily I can get them both at B&Q and the parking is free.

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I often read a joke and think, "What a cunt. That's not funny." Then I press "Submit."

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Think about how stupid the average person is. Then realise that half the world is even more stupid. (George Carlin)

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How does a chav turn the light on after sex? Opens the car door.

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So i've decked the halls as the song suggested. Though Mr & Mrs Hall don't share my joy.

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Exotic foods: English - Pot Noodle. Cambodian - Pol Pot Noodle. Korean - Dog Noodle. Scottish - Och aye The Noo-dle.

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All 7 dwarfs were on a bus feeling grumpy. So Grumpy got off.

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I came home from work and found my girlfriend dressed in a cute little police uniform. She said, “YOU’RE UNDER ARREST ON A CHARGE OF BEING AMAZING IN BED!!!” Two minutes later she had to drop the charges due to lack of evidence.

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A scouse couple was on their first date, decided to go to a vegan restaurant. Looking at the menu, the man asks; "Eh love do you like avacado?" Women replies: "No, I haven't even passed me driving test"

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According to my chocolate advent calendar, it's two days until Christmas

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I rang the paranoia society this morning. The girl at the other end said How did you get this number?

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I must look really sexy in my new convertible BMW. Loads of other motorists have signalled that they plan on having a wank later.

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Easily stop your wife from sucking her thumb by drawing a cock on it.

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I went to see my wife in hospital and took her flowers. My girlfriend will love them.

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My wife found out I’d replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the roof.

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Got chatting to a stunning bird in the pub last night. ' Are you a lover or a fighter, ' she said. ' It all depends if I forget the safe word, ' I replied.

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Sri Lanka police arrest 22 monks after 110kg of cannabis found in luggage. Good luck trying to get any of them to squeal...

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I was just in the queue at the supermarket when Diana Ross tried to push in. I said “You can't hurry love, you'll just have to wait...”

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Need a laugh this morning Read this 😂😂😂😂 Air Traffic Control Gems Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10s o'clock, 6 miles..." Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!" TWA 2341, for noise abatement, turn right 45 degrees." "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?" O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 239 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound." United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight." A DC-10 had come in a little fast and thus had an exceedingly long rollout after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport." A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English. Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war." One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the Tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one." While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Fort. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose-to-nose with a United 727. An irate female ATC ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie Taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage at the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how tell you! You got that, US Air 2771 ? "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance to engage the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

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Constipation. Same shit different day.

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My parents went to New York on September the 11th and all I got back was a bloody t-shirt.

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Three necrophiliacs are comparing their likes. The first says "I like to fuck the body as soon as it is dead" The other two say "Yeah, but that kinda defeats the purpose - the body is still warm" The second necro says "I like to fuck the body a few hours after death - that way it is a little stiff and getting cold" The third guy says "I like to wait about 8 weeks before I fuck the body" to which the other two ask "why?" He replies "Because that way I can penetrate the body wherever I want!"

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How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex? Call her and tell her.

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I met this girl once and took her home to meet my dad. He whispered to me, "Where the hell did you get her from, son? She's cross-eyed, bow-legged, and she's got no teeth!" "There's no need to whisper Dad" i said "She's deaf as well".

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My wife and I got divorced because we wanted different things in our marriage. She wanted me to drink less.Spend more time as a family.Tidy the garden and do all the odd jobs round the house. I wanted to fuck other women.

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Friday night at the pub, this black lady suggested I take her home. It was a long fucking drive to Ghana

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At the bus stop today, two pregnant women struck up a conversation. One patted her belly and said, 'Little boy!' The other patted her belly and said, 'Little girl!' They both looked at me, so I patted my belly and said, 'Beer.'

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My mum was worried because my brother's face started swelling after eating some peanuts. She calmed down after I explained that they were my peanuts.

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I don't regret cutting off my dreadlocks. In fact, I haven't looked black since.

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I much prefer it when women make eye contact during sex. Which can be quite frustrating, having to unpick all those stitches the undertaker made.

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So this middle aged woman goes into hospital to have her vagina tightened. The years have been hard on her body, and it's all looking a bit messy down there. Anyway, she wakes up after the op, to see three bunches of beautiful flowers by her bed. At that moment the nurse comes into the room, so she takes that opportunity to ask who the flowers are from. "Well, the first bunch is from the team who operated on you. The procedure went very well, and they wish you the best of health. "The second bunch is from your husband. He says he can't wait for everything to heal before he can enjoy conjugal relations once more." "That's wonderful! And the third bunch?" "Those are from Harry in the burns unit. He says thanks for the new ears."

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Chuck Norris liked his meat so rare he only ate unicorns.

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Since Grenfell Towers all the buildings have had to come with chutes for the wog women to slide out of easily The Negress egress

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Police are investigating claims Katy Perry sexually assaulted the Australian actor Ruby Rose at a Melbourne nightclub more than a decade ago, allegations the American pop star strenuously denies. Christ, some people will complain about anything...

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A father is waiting outside the maternity ward when the nurse comes out and ushers him to follow her. She stops just outside the room and says: "Before we go in, I should warn you - your baby wasn't born normal, he has some serious abnormalities" "It doesn't matter" he says, "So he's missing a few toes or an arm, he's still my child and I'll love him" "I'm afraid it's worse than that" "Okay, so he lives his life in a wheelchair, I'll still love him" "I'm afraid it's worse than that, perhaps you had better see for yourself" The two enter the room and on the table is a pair of eyes. The father leans over the table and starts a little wave and smiles at his baby. "Sir, I'm afraid he's also blind"

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This lady was holding a cucumber in the vegetables; I leaned over and winked "That's what mine's like" Two hours later she ran out of the bedroom shouting that she wouldn't fuck a man with a little green dick

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What do you do if you go downstairs at night and see your TV floating in midair? Shoot the black man.

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A young mother is pregnant with triplets when she is shot by a gunman. A few years down the road, her firstborn, a girl, comes in and says "Mum I just had a wee and a bullet came out". The mother is shocked, and it is increased when her other daughter comes in and says "mum I was having a wee and a bullet came out". Then, the boy comes in looking pleased with himself. "Don't tell me" the mother says, "you had a wee and a bullet came out" "No", the boy says. "I was having a wank and I shot the dog"

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My wife is going to leave me because she says I am obsessed with Africa. Kenya believe it? Well,she can Congo fuck herself. The kids are Ghana be upset when we get divorced.

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The doctor told me I had 3 months to live, I said I wanted a second opinion. He said, "Alright you've got 8 million seconds to live." Nod to DdraigGoch

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I told my new girlfriend that I'd just got out of a toxic relationship. She immediately started being extra nice and doing anything I wanted. I just smiled and thought, "She thinks I was the victim."

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A man staggers into hospital, says to the doctor "Arrrgh! I've been raped by an elephant!" Doctor examines rapees bum hole and cries "You're right. But your arsehole is 10 inches wide, but an elephant's cock is only 2 inches wide. How'd it get that big?" "He fingered me first."

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What's the difference between a piece of toast and French men? You can make soldiers out of a piece of toast.

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Did you hear about the Paki that fucked a Princess? He burnt his dick on the exhaust pipe.

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My brother was born by cesarean section. He said it didn't affect him in any way but he always leaves the house through the living room window instead of the front door.

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Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick Jill's fanny. All he got was a mouthful of cum 'cos Jill's a fucking tranny.

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When I was twenty I couldn't bend my erect penis with both hands. When I was forty I could bend it a bit with only one hand. Now I'm sixty I can bend it in half quite easily. My question is : Just how much fucking stronger do you think I'm going to get?

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Missing girl 'found safe and well'. I'm guessing the well had water in it, but what was in the safe?

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The Not Mills Breakfast Show

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Well they do call Derby County The Rams

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I was hitchhiking, without much luck, and decided that I would show a little leg to passing motorists. Within minutes a car screeched to a halt. The cop jumped out and said, "Where's the rest of the fucking baby?"

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What have anabolic steroids and the Ku Klux Klan got in common? They both make niggers run like fuck!

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Sometimes I go into town and do some busking. I love to entertain the passers by with my singing. I was in the middle of an emotional Irish ballad when I noticed a woman standing with tears in her eyes. When I finished the song I asked her if she was Irish. She said she wasn't,she was a music teacher.

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Tiger Woods has crashed and rolled a car over for the second time. He just needs to die in the 3rd crash so he doesn't break par.

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Why did the leper fail his driving test? He left his foot on the clutch.

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I'd rather be remembered for doing something infamously horrific rather than something genuinely brilliant. It's the only way I can be sure Netflix will cast a white guy to play me in the story.

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Last night I shagged a bird with fake tits. Her cock was real though.

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How can you tell its bedtime at Michael Jackson's house? The big hand reaches the little hand.

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The civil trial against alleged IRA grandee Gerry Adams over 3 bombings in Britain has been withdrawn at the instruction of the claimants after new information came to light. The information was that even in 2026 it's fucking difficult to walk without kneecaps!

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Trump begs Germany for help, and the Chancellor asks Trump, "What's 4 plus 5?" Trump replies, "Nine". "Exactly," says the German Chancellor

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I tried to warn my son about playing Russian roulette but It ended up going straight in one ear and out the other.

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Why is it that if you donate a kidney, people love you. But if you donate five kidneys, they call the police???

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I was queuing in the supermarket yesterday when an old dear collapsed and died as she was walking away from the till. The really funny thing was she'd just bought a bag for life!

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What is the smallest pub in the world? The Thalidomide Arms

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How do you make a woman scream twice? Fuck her up the arse, then wipe your cock on the curtains.

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How do you get an Iranian girl pregnant? Cum on her shoes and let the flies do the rest.

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I'll never forget when I came home early one day to find my parents having sex. It was the worst twenty minutes of my life.

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6 people dead in a bus fire in Switzerland. Makes a change from being buried in an avalanche I guess.

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6 people dead in bus fire in Switzerland. This would have been sad if 41 people hadn't died in a bar fire in Switzerland on New Year's Eve. Now it just seems like Switzerland is a really shit place to visit.

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What is the similarity between a woman and a KFC mega bucket? You start on the leg, move on to the breast and at the end of the evening you've got a greasy box to put your bone in!

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I bought a large quantity of whoopee cushions at a very cheap price. I decided to sell them in Ethiopia but it was a complete disaster. Most of the people weren't heavy enough to activate them.

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A baby shark asks his dad, "Why do we swim around people and show them our fin before eating them?" "They taste better if you scare the shit out of them first."

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A hotel in Dubai has received a One star rating, due to its faulty air defence system.

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Port Vale's pitch was that bad today, they beat Sunderland 1-0 on aggregate

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I woke up with a vicious hangover this morning. I can't understand it. I only had 5 pints last night. That's the last time I'm drinking whisky.

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Many people are unaware that Jimmy Savile was an accomplished musician. He started fiddling at an early age.

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What's blue and smells of Holly? Huntley's cock!

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I saw a man break the World Record for holding your breath underwater in our local swimming pool yesterday. He was at the deep end when a little girl at the shallow end shouted, ' that's him Dad. '

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What's blue and doesn't fit? A dead epileptic!

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Evel Knievel's deep south cousin is attempting to emulate his achievements and set a new world record. Ku Klux Knievel will be attempting to jump over 30 niggers using a steamroller.

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Good often prevails from adversity. Like on the dole Emirates Airline hostesses starting an Only Fans page, because no fucker wants go there anymore.

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2 condoms walk past a gay bar ... ...one says to the other "want to go in there and get shit-faced"

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I got fired from the golf club today. A group of 6 women came in and all I asked was "18 holes?"

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The doctor was puzzled when he saw that my penis was covered in liquorice. "What have you been up to?," he asked. "Fucking Allsorts," I replied.

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What do pikeys and cigarettes have in common? They come in packs They stink like fuck They are banned from pubs

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Does this now mean Ian Huntley is no longer British and has become a Pole?

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I am absolutely rubbish at DIY. My door is always open.

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Never get so called fresh meat from butchers which carry the royal seal of approval. It's usually 15 years old.

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I got Rupert Lowe to help me fix a crashed computer. He restored it to 1930.

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We went to the local Bulimic Awareness Realization Foundation meeting yesterday...or barf for short. You can bring up anything you want.

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What's black and eats pussy to death? Cervical cancer

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Andrew Mountanything Windsor. .Im just glad his Mum has died and doesnt have all the stress.. .R.I.P. Barbara Windsor

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One remembers the ' Windsor- motto" : "Ge Arta my pub " !

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Andy's been told he might get twelve years. Got quite excited apparently.

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My wife and I both enjoy a cigarette but we would never subject our kids to the dangers of passive smoking. So we built them a shelter at the bottom of the garden.

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I hate standing in line. I wish she'd hurry up and pick a fucking suspect.

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I offered free exercise lessons for the homeless, and now I’ve got over 100 squatters.

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Every time the leper visits his favourite whore, he leaves a tip.

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Decided to do something completely different and went to the opera. What a fantastic night I had,but they don't like you joining in though.

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My wife and I had a candlelit dinner last evening. It was barely lukewarm.

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Do you like flowers but don't have time for gardening? Just pay someone to run over a kid right outside your house!

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My son has the same colour eyes as my wife. Neither of them have learnt to duck when they piss me off.

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Single ladies...if you're hungry, or feeling a little insecure, I'm available on both Pancake and Valentine's day this year. X.

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When Rosie Jones was in class, her teacher asked her what job she wanted to do when she was older, she replied "Stand-up comedienne." Everybody laughed! Well they're definitely not fucking laughing now!!

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Surnames often describe what your ancestors did in the past. I wonder if that's why David Dickinson has never been on Who Do You Think You Are?

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How many immature people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Heh heh heh, 'screw'.

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The hardest thing about being a paedophile is, fitting in.

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Last Valentine's Day I proposed to my girlfriend but she said no. I thought £50 for anal was a very fair offer.

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My wife says she wants our sex life to be like a fairytale. So I've invited seven midgets to join in tonight

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My niece wanted to play catch. She caught my AIDS.

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Dear sir/Madam, I know police seem to look younger as we age, but the copper who came to arrest the paedophile next door looked so young the peado got excited about it. Prince Andrew. Epstien Island.

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I left a note on my neighbour's car last night asking him to stop parking outside my house. I couldn't find a pen so I used my car keys.

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Keir Starmer is as much use as a woodpecker with a rubber beak.

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I was an accountant from the age of twenty to the age of thirty before I was sacked for no apparent reason. What a waste of fourteen years.

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I asked an American cop how many people he had shot? "None," he replied, "only niggers."

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I have always been terrified of giants. After being seen and assessed by a clinical psychologist,I was diagnosed as suffering from Fefifobia.

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Just buried my friend who was hit by a tennis ball. The service was great

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Baffled Florida white parents sue fertilisation clinic after delivering a black baby. Problem resolved by ICE.

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In memoriam of 'Holocaust Day' for my wife, I cleaned our oven.

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I had been stranded on a desert island for weeks and I couldn't believe my eyes when Scarlett Johansson was washed ashore. Within two weeks we were having mind blowing sex every night. One day I asked her if she could pretend to be my best friend Dave and she agreed. I went for a walk and when I came back I said, ' Fuckin' hell Dave, you'll never guess who I'm shagging. '

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My mate said he didn’t understand what cloning was. I said that makes two of us.

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Met a very friendly Arab chap when I was on holiday in Dubai. Sheikh Mahand.

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It's always better to give than receive. Especially if you are in prison.

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My friend's wife got the car in the divorce so he said he had to rent one. "Hertz?" I asked. "It sure does." he said with a tear in his eye.

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Minnesotta, seems it is legal to finger bang in public there!

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I saw loose women today for the first time in ages. I left my dungeon door open.

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A chap said..." Do you want the winner of the Grand National "? I said "No thanks,I've only got a small garden "!

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Whenever I asked my son what he wanted to do when he was older, he'd always say, "Fighter pilot!" On our holiday he was lucky to be invited into the cockpit. He's now also facing assault charges on the co-pilot and two cabin staff.

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China to re-educate Muslim men. "First well teach them how to use soap and water, then we'll set about this shit they believe in, " a government spokesman commented.

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This Muslim I was working with on a tower scaffolding lost his footing and slipped, I managed to grab his hand as he was dangling 150 feet in the air. "Please, please, " he pleaded, "don't let me drop, " "Will you eat my bacon sandwich if I pull you up? " I asked, "Yes, yes, of course I will, " he said. So I let him go, I'm not having a fucking Muslim steal my breakfast.

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You can only call it a blowjob if you are a prostitute/sex worker.

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I can feel the hamster crawling down towards my anus. Imagine his surprise when he finds his exit blocked by a tramp's tongue.

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I always remember getting through to the final of the Blow Football competition. I ended up playing the guy who had won it for the past 10 years. Just after the match started he had an asthma attack. I won 35-0!

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I sometimes find myself crying when I have sex. It all depends if the woman has pepper spray.

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I stumbled across a YouTube channel just now, there was a woman reading out a list suggesting really fun things to do. I think that she called it The Seven Deadly Sins?

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The lady who was interviewing me for a job said, "I've got three openings." "Of course you do," I replied, "you're a woman."

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Girlfriend: "Hold me, wrap your arms around me and never let me go." Wife: "Your knee is on my side of the fucking bed again!"

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Picked up a Chinese last night. He was very fucking angry.

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Jesus was a carpenter, but he couldn't play any instruments. That's why Karen and Richard wouldn't let him in the band.

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Just come back from watching Little Women. Very disappointing to be honest.... not one midget in the whole film.

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Professor Kaltzenheimer attended our AA meeting and told us he had developed a tablet that can cure alcoholism completely. All we have to do is take one tablet and we would never drink alcohol again. When he asked if there were any questions, one of the group said, ' What happens if you take two? '

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Paul Hardcastle's son has died in a motorcycle accident. He was n-n-n-n-n-n-not very old, 35 in fact.

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The Red Arrows have got their first woman leader. What colour will they be the other 26 days a month?

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I fancied a wank but I couldn't be bothered using a VPN to access a porn site. So instead I went on a gore site and jerked off to people dying in car crashes.

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I bought the wife a water bed.... We started drafting apart

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Me and my old limbo dancing group decided to have a reunion. We go back a long way.

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At my funeral everyone will be given a taser. Last one standing inherits everything.

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Funny how when it snows the 'homeless' mysteriously find a bed for the night.

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The fact that Jesus didn't have a fair trial,called everyone brother and liked gospel were strong indications that he was probably black.

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I may not be a gynaecologist, but I know a cunt when I see one.

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Cows can walk upstairs but not downstairs. As first discovered by the horny farmer when his wife came home early.

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When doing dry January it's important to find ways to replace alcohol in your life. For example, I've replaced drinking with severe boredom, crippling depression and existential dread.

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My sister just gave birth but sadly the baby has Down's Syndrome. I told her we should have used a condom.

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Walking through the park yesterday I saw a boy flailing his arms around and making animal noises. I decided to join him and we both got louder and louder. A woman appeared and said, ' What do you think you are doing? ' ' Playing dinosaurs, ' I replied. ' Fuck off, ' she said, 'he's got Down's Syndrome.'

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I'm not saying your wife is fat and ugly, but when she stripped off at the nudest beach, the tide went out and didn't come back.

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I came home to find my wife on her hands and knees. "What's wrong?," I asked. "I've got chest pains," she replied. "You're kneeling on your tits," I said.

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I drink my coffee like an American cop. Black with a couple of shots in it.

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What do you call a woman who shits herself wearing a thong? A log splitter.

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Have you noticed whenever God throws a wobbler he always sends his Earthquakes and Tsunamis to the most poverty ridden disease infected shitholes on the planet. I would be very worried if I lived in Oldham, Burnley or Rochdale.

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My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish everything I start. So far today, I’ve finished a bag of chips, a bottle of gin, and my marriage. I feel lighter already

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I can't be arsed taking down all the Christmas decorations so I'm thinking of converting my house into a Chinese restaurant.

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Over Christmas I've been waking up at 7pm, wanking 8 times a day, eating cold beans straight from the can and washing them down with Aldi vodka. So no change there.

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Little Jimmy who was wheelchair bound fell out when he tried to get over a kerb. Just to his left he saw a lamp on the floor so of course he rubs it, and yes, out pops a genie. "OK, son, " said the genie, "you know the drill you get three wishes." "Wow said Jimmy, I wish I could walk. " Poof, Jimmy can walk. "I wish I played for a famous football club. " Poof.. Jimmy was grown up and in the dressing room at Anfeild where Arne Slot was giving a team talk. "Fucks sake, " said Jimmy, "I wish I was back in my wheelchair. "

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I often think of my grandfather and his tragic death in Auschwitz. He slipped and fell of a guard tower and broke his neck.

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Why do Jewish men get circumcised? Jewish woman can't resist anything with 25% off.

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I haven't had sex for so long it feels as though I'm married again.

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Police have confirmed that the man who fell from the roof of a nightclub and died was not a Bouncer.

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My co-worker Mohammed was looking depressed so I asked him what was wrong. "My wife's going through "the change" and to be honest I'm just not finding her attractive any more." "The menopause I asked?" "No, puberty."

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I just found out my elderly neighbour in her 90s was on their own yesterday, so I went over to borrow her spare chairs.

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Fool if you think it's over... It is now!

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Chris Rea finally pulled off the ultimate “Driving Home for Christmas” – no sat-nav needed, just a grim reaper in the passenger seat flooring it down the express lane to the afterlife, three days before the big day. The cheeky bastard pancreatic cancer that nicked his entire pancreas, duodenum, gallbladder, and a slab of liver back in 2001 must’ve been fuming it didn’t finish the job then – came crawling back like a bad ex for round two and finally bagged the gravel-voiced legend. This absolute tank of a man survived that Whipple butchery, a massive stroke in 2016 that fucked his arms and speech, type 1 diabetes, peritonitis, popping 34 pills a day like they were fucking Tic Tacs, and seven insulin jabs just to stay vertical… only to peg it right when every supermarket, radio station, and M&S advert is blasting his husky arse warbling about top of the world and thousand memories. Talk about cosmic piss-take – millions driving home to his tune while his family’s booking a hearse with tinsel on the roof. At least up there, no more chemo, no more needles, and the heating’s guaranteed better than a frozen British motorway. Farewell, you indestructible Middlesbrough madman – heaven’s roads to hell just got a proper soundtrack. RIP you glorious, chain-smoking, blues-belting hero

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Ruben Amorim has promised fans of Manchester United that they will be in a major European competition next year...even if he has to write the song himself .

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A man from Dartford has been jailed for 4 years after he beat his partner with a frying pan, leaving her in a coma. If only he'd used a Teflon pan. Then the charges wouldn't have stuck.

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True story. I came back to the UK after spending 30 years in Southern Africa (Zimbabwe, Namibia and SA) My wife looked out the window at the weather today and said, "Bloody hell, it's looking black out there." "Nothing's changed then." I replied.

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"The way to a man's heart is through his stomach." - Fanny Fern "I prefer to go in through the xiphisternum!" - Jeffrey Dahmer

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(A groaner) Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer is being interviewed on a popular chat show. Host: So, Rudolph, do you get along well with the other reindeer? Rudolph: Oh, they're great. We have so much fun together. Except for this one bxtch. She makes my life miserable Host: Really? Care to tell the audience her name? Rudolph: Sure. It's Olive. Host: Olive? Never heard of a reindeer names Olive. We all know Prancer and Dancer, Comet and Vixen... Rudolph: No! It's Olive. She's so nasty they wrote a song about her. Host: Can you sing it? Rudolph: Sure. "Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names...

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What do paedophile hunters from Yorkshire put on their Christmas tree? t'incel

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On the first day of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me... Fifteen dead Jewwwwws A ten year old corpse Nine empty clips Eight uneaten latkes Seven "outraged" politicians Thousands of meaningless vigils Billions of happy Muslims and endless bullshit coverage on the BBC

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Playing the piano is quite difficult. I know that because all the cunts who try to play the free one at the train station are fucking shit at it. Thanks Channel 4.

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We were in Peru and this strange animal mounted my wife from behind and fucked her up the arse. A Llama? No, she really enjoyed it.

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I never wash my clothes or clean my teeth. It may seem disgusting but according to the adverts doing those things will make your skin turn black.

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Why don't Muslims drink alcohol? Because they're already shitfaced.

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What has 8 hairy black legs, 7 eyes and makes women scream?
 Getting gang raped.

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Why do brides wear white?
 So the dishwasher matches the fridge and the oven

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How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
 Trick question – feminists can’t change anything.

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