London has such a caring community. I've just seen a group of homeless people giving each other the flu vaccine under a bridge.

0 comments

Never thought I'd see anything more ironic than a guy in a wheelchair eating a bag of Walkers. Then I saw a black guy drinking a bottle of Innocent.

3 comments

As we left the restaurant, she kissed me and said, "We should have dinner again." "I don't think so," I replied, "I'm full."

0 comments

I was showing my kids how to skim stones over water today but what a bunch of miserable bastards they are in the local swimming pool.

0 comments

The Paki bloke at work showed me his tattoo. "Isn't that one of those that wash off,?" I asked. "I don't know," he replied.

0 comments

As I answered the front door dressed in high heals, stockings & suspenders, leather mini skirt and bright red lipstick, the Avon lady asked "Hello Sir, is your wife at home"?. To which I replied "Take a wild guess love!"

0 comments

You know it was a good Christmas party when your P45 arrives at your house before you do.

0 comments

My 4 year old daughter came into my bedroom and said, "Daddy, I'm scared. Can I sleep in your bed?" "No," I replied, "I'm not having that fucking monster follow you into my room."

0 comments

Abdul and myself were walking past a school when an absolute stunning young girl around 14 came out of the gate, she has everything, huge tits, long dark hair, a voluptuous arse and a beauty of a natural Spanish senorita. "Fuck me, " said Abdul, "I'll bet she was fit when she was younger. "

0 comments

chatting to a young girl in the pub last night i said to her " so what do they call you then?"....she replied " vivaldi", so i said " is that after the great composer?".... she said, " no, its because my name is viv and i work at Aldi"...

0 comments

What's the difference between a military base and a school? Don't ask me, I only fly the drone.

0 comments

Walking around Liverpool with my missus she said to me, "What are all these bits of chocolate bars that are left everywhere? I've seen loads, " "They're Mars bars, " I replied, "it's the bit that helps you work. "

0 comments

I went to the shop on my bicycle and bought a bottle of whiskey. As I set off home I thought, "If I fall off my bike, the bottle of whisky will break. I'd better drink it now." Lucky I did, because I fell off seven times on the way home.

0 comments

My mate has OCD, so I bought him a picture of the Leaning Tower of Pisa. He's going fucking nuts trying to hang it straight.

0 comments

Just about to watch Big Naughty Anal Sluts 3, but if I haven't seen the first two, will I still be able to follow the story?

1 comment

The school phoned me and said "Can you come down, your son has been telling lies again" I said "Well tell him he's good, i haven't got any kids"

0 comments

There's a woman in our pub who is so ugly that if she gives you a blowjob it counts as anal.

0 comments

The doctor told me I should take up something that gets me out of the pub. So I've started smoking.

0 comments

Jake Paul felt like he was hit by a truck Anthony Joshua.... hold my beer!

0 comments

' Why does everyone think that Chinese people look the same,father? ' said the small Chinese boy. ' I don't know, ' replied the man, ' and by the way,I am not your father. '

0 comments

I always sweat a lot when I have sex. Probably due to the wool in my balaclava.

0 comments

I like my steaks rare. Tonight I'm having panda.

0 comments

Did you know... Black men's semen is more nutritious than white men's? It contains more calories. I have no scientific proof. It's just that their girlfriends are always fat cocksucking whores.

0 comments

Probably the sickest joke I ever wrote. Abdul my next door neighbour came round crying and distraught, "My baby girl has died in her cot in the night he cried. " "Oh dear, " I said trying not to laugh, "never mind Abdul, just think of her as another virgin in paradise now for your brave soldiers. "

1 comment

A woman on a dating site sent me a message saying, "Wow, your absolutely gorgeous. How come your still single?" It's spelled "you're", I replied.

0 comments

I asked my Greek girlfriend if I could try it in the 'other hole'. "No,"she replied, "I don't want to get pregnant."

0 comments

I sleep better when I'm naked. I just wish the passengers on this flight were a bit more understanding.

0 comments

Don't get one of those rescue cats. My gran had one, she fell, and the cat just literally sat there and did nothing.

0 comments

As my wife lay in the coma the doctors approached the life support machine. "No, no, please," I sobbed, "just a little while longer. ' But my pleading didn't help. They woke her up.

0 comments

Sadly my obese parrot has died from over eating . At least it's a huge weight off my shoulders .

0 comments

A man phones his wife late at night. ' Where the fuck are you? ' the wife screams. ' I'm in hospital and I'm lucky to be alive.When I left work I collapsed in the car park.Fortunately,Tina was there and she carried out CPR until the ambulance came.The doctor told me I had a massive heart attack.' says the man ' Who's Tina, ' asks the wife.

0 comments

I do an evening of stand up comedy and jokes for the patients at our local Hospice every six weeks. It always goes down very well. The good news is that I never need to change my act.

0 comments

Two flies decided to have a race from one side of a black man's lips to the other. The first fly went flat out all the way and was shocked to see the second fly already there,relaxing in a deck chair. ' How did you manage to get here before me, ' said the first fly. ' I took a short cut round the back of his head, ' replied the second fly.

0 comments

Let's give this Dry January a go then.......

0 comments

If it grows hair and has milk..its a mammal...like the coconut..

0 comments

My wife says and does the nicest things. Just this morning she said, "I'm taking the kids and leaving you."

0 comments

I've been paying the Cat's Protection League every month for over three years. I only missed two payments and they came around and broke my cat's legs.

0 comments

Minnesotta general warning..... "Watch out for Ice when driving"

0 comments

I had only been seeing my girlfriend for two weeks when she was killed in a car crash. The first time I met her parents was at the funeral.What a pair of miserable bastards they were.

0 comments

What's the best thing about dating a homeless girl? You can drop her off anywhere.

0 comments

I walked into the pub and shouted, "All Muslims are cunts." A bloke stood up and said, "I'm offended by that." "Are you a Muslim,?" I asked. "No," he replied, "I'm a cunt."

0 comments

What has 3 doors that will never be opened? Chris Rea's advent calender.

1 comment

I went to a meeting of the "I Feel I'm Being Stalked" support group. I knew everybody there... but they didn't know me.

0 comments

I just read that the chap who drove into the crowd in Liverpool has been sentenced to 21 years…which ironically is how long the scousers will keep on about it

0 comments

Our mum died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to "be positive" but it’s really hard without her.

0 comments

We were waiting to pick the kids up at the school and I said to the bloke next to me, "Look at the arse and the size of those tits on that little blonde fucker there, I'll rattle the arse off her as soon as she reaches sixteen. " "Do you mind? " he replied, "that's someone's daughter you know. " "Yes, I do know, " I answered, "mine. "

0 comments

Did you know that white people own more dogs than black people. That's because it's illegal to own black people now.

0 comments

I took my son to see Santa today, but as soon as he sat on his knee he started crying. "What's wrong?" I asked. "It's this job mate, I fucking hate it"

0 comments

I saw a woman in Tesco struggling to control her kids. She looked really stressed. Then she accidently knocked over and smashed a bottle of milk. She dropped to her knees and burst into tears, surrounded by spilled milk. It reminded me of something my dad used to say to my mum, so I walked over to her and said; "Get a fucking grip, you stupid cow."

0 comments

I phoned the Child Abuse Hotline. A kid answered, called me a cunt and told me to fuck off.

0 comments

I recently discovered that a man has been sending my wife sexy lingerie in the post. All I'll say is this: Watch your back, John Lewis. Watch your fucking back.

1 comment

Many years ago,the Spanish discovered a new country and they called it Argentina, which means ' land of silver '. Then they discovered Nigeria.

0 comments

A famous artist who had brown fingers. Picasso.

0 comments

Paedophiles are nasty, irritating bastards.But,to be fair,you will never see them speeding near schools or nurseries.

1 comment

I went to the dentist today and he said I should have a crown. I thought, At last! Someone who really understands me.

0 comments

My phone rang unexpectedly. ' Hello, this is Mr Richardson here, your son's music teacher. ' ' Hi,how can I help you? ' I asked. ' I think we have another Elvis on our hands, ' Mr Richardson said. ' Really! I didn't realise he was so talented, ' I replied. ' He isn't.We found him dead in the toilet when he went for a shit, ' Mr Richardson said.

0 comments

I broke up with my girlfriend when she confessed that she used to walk the streets and fuck random people. I could never date a traffic warden.

0 comments

A solicitor calls his wealthy art collector client and says, "Sir Ian, I have some good news, and I have some bad news." The client replied, "I've had an tough day. Give me the good news first!" The lawyer said, "Well, I met with Lady Pamela today, and she informed me that she just invested £50,000 in some pictures that she thinks will soon be worth about £50 million, I've looked at them and I think she could be right." Sir Ian replied enthusiastically, "Wow, that's incredible, my wife is a shrewd investor and I never even knew it, you've just made my day! Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?" The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and some rent boys in a motel."

0 comments

Just received my Valentine's card off Moonpig. She hates it when i call her that.

2 comments

I saw some black guys spray painting their names on a wall and decided to join them. I'd only done the first three letters of my name when they started beating the shit out of me. I guess they don't like people called Nigel.

0 comments

I went into an Ethiopian gift shop, "Have you got an I am four birthday card please?" I asked. "Sorry, " said the shopkeeper, "we've never needed them. "

0 comments

"Who's a pretty boy then,?" I said, as I pushed a dry cracker through the bars of the cage. "I want my mummy," he sobbed.

0 comments

I said, "The second best way to have sex with a woman is to be funny." "What's the first?," she asked. "A knife," I replied. "Haha," she laughed, "you're funny." "Good choice,"I said.

0 comments

There is one thing that white men and black men do have in common. They don't like bringing up black kids.

0 comments

When my wife saw my face, after all this time, she burst into tears. It was then that she realised... Witness Protection is a joke.

0 comments

After cutting my female neighbours grass she knocked on my door and said "Thank you, I could marry you!" What's the world coming to, you do something nice for someone and they threaten to fuck your life up beyond belief?

0 comments

A young mum I know posted on Facebook "My toddler crawled under the garden fence today lol. Nails and wood will be out tomorrow." xxx I thought, fucking hell, crucifixion seems a bit harsh for just doing that ......

1 comment

What's rude and very aggressive? Me you fat cunt

0 comments

I told myself I shouldn't drink so much. However, I'm not going to listen to a drunken cunt who talks to himself.

0 comments

The teacher called little Johnny to her desk and said, "The essay you wrote about your pet dog is word-for-word the same as your brother's. What do you have to say for yourself?" "Of course it is!" said little Johnny. "It's the same fucking dog!"

0 comments

Our family were so poor that my mother used to send me next door with a button and ask our neighbour to sew a shirt on it.

0 comments

I slept with my best friend's wife last night and now i feel terrible. She must have given me a cold or something.

1 comment

It had been playing on my mind for some time and I just had to find out. ' Mum, am I adopted? ' I asked. ' No,son ' she replied. 'We did put you up for adoption once but nobody wanted you.'

0 comments

There's two reasons I won't give money to beggars. 1. They'll use it to buy alcohol. 2. I want to use it to buy alcohol.

0 comments

Found an old lamp whilst I was out walking yesterday.When I gave it a rub a big genie popped out and granted me three wishes. For my first wish I asked the genie to make Keir Starmer the worst Prime Minister in British History. The genie told me I still had three wishes left.

0 comments

This vegan shit has now got out of hand. They're selling plant based alternatives to vapes. They are calling them cigarettes.

0 comments

When I was in high school there was a girl in my class called Bernie. Her full name wasn't Bernadette or Bernice, it was Susan. She just had 3rd degree burns all over her face.

0 comments

Some people say I'm a bigot but at least I'll admit there are 37 genders. Male, female and 35 kinds of faggot.

0 comments

"Do you think I'm sexy with lingerie on or completely naked?," asked my wife. "No," I replied.

0 comments

I went to visit my Jewish neighbour yesterday, and found him stripping the wallpaper off the walls. I said "Doing a bit of renovating are you?" He said "No, we're moving house."

0 comments

When my grandad was in Auschwitz, he managed to secretly smuggle things out to my nan who he missed dearly. It was just small things, mainly gold fillings and coins.

0 comments

So I'm decluttering my house using that one simple rule - if you haven't used it in the last year, get rid of it. First item: fire extinguisher.

0 comments

At this time of year, spare a thought for those who struggle to put food on the table. Midgets?

0 comments

I used to have a nice house and a nice car until my mate introduced me to drugs. Now I have a yacht and a Caribbean island.

0 comments

I was doing some home renovations and, when I knocked through my bedroom wall, I found a full furnished hidden room. Then I remembered that I live in a block of flats.

0 comments

Nobody was interested in my carpentry class. Then I offered to teach them how to make glory holes. Now they're all coming out of the woodwork.

0 comments

Thanks to supergalley for setting up this new site. The old one was about as much use as a gloryhole in a lesbian bar.

1 comment

I walked in on my little sister giving her fanny a battering with a jumbo cucumber and got annoyed, "I was going to eat that later!" Obviously I didn't eat it later because it would have tasted of cucumber!

0 comments

I rang Rochdale A.F.C about a place for my wheelchair bound wife at the ground. "Well I think she'll be ok, " I was told, "but she'll probably have to play in goal. "

0 comments

I bought a gun because I have a fear of eagles. "You're getting carried away," said my wife. "Not without a fucking fight I'm not," I replied.

0 comments

My missus has just told me that shaving takes the weight off my face. So I suggested she shave her arse.

0 comments

I came up behind my wife and starting feeling her tits, hoping to get lucky. Unfortunately I didn't find any lumps.

0 comments

A woman walks up to the bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre. So he gives it to her.

3 comments

What's better than winning gold in the Special Olympics? The taste of the windows inside the Sunshine Variety Coach that took you there! p.s. Why are they called 'Variety Coaches' when all the kids inside look the same?

0 comments

I was telling a mate how i recentley met this woman. i told him "She's like a real fox.", "is it because she's really hot" he asked.." no" said me, " its because she's hairy and eats out of bins"....

0 comments

My mates all say I’m a bit of a pub scarecrow. I stand in the corner and frighten all the birds.

0 comments

My new girlfriend said I should buy her some flowers. I said why spend money on something that's going to be dead in a few days?

0 comments

I was so hungover this morning I just stood in the shower for nearly an hour. Then I turned it on.

0 comments

A black man picks up a white woman in a nightclub. When they get home the woman says, ' Come on then,show me what they say about black men is true.' So he stabbed her and stole her purse.

0 comments

Irony...The assisted dying bill has run out of time

0 comments

I always feel so proud when I tell people that some of my father's work is currently on display at the Tate Gallery in London. He painted all the skirting boards there.

0 comments

I was parked in a disabled zone, when a traffic warden knocked on my window. "What's your disability then?," he asked. "Tourettes," I replied, "Now fuck off, you cunt."

0 comments

My brother said, "I've just seen your girlfriends number written on a toilet wall. " "So fucking what, " I replied, "how do you think I met her. "

0 comments

I found a lump underneath my wife's breast. Nothing to worry about, it was just her kneecap.

0 comments

Apparently " Harder" is not a good choice of safe-word

0 comments

My missus was moaning and said I should try walking a mile in her shoes. Pfftt, stupid cow, she obviously has no Idea what I get up to when she fucks off to bingo.

0 comments

The Flintstones cartoon has been syndicated to parts of the middle East. Apparently the people of Dubai don't like it. But the people of Abu Dhabi do!

0 comments

They say that one out of every four people has the potential to be a serial killer. So I killed three of my closest friends. I should be safe now.

0 comments

I went to visit my wife in hospital and took her flowers. My girlfriend will love them.

0 comments

I went for a job with the RSPB. The interviewer asked me what could I tell them about Barn Swallows. Didn't he invent the Bouncing Bomb?

0 comments

I was playing loud music on the stereo yesterday morning, my neighbours loved it! They were banging on the walls requesting "Sunday Bloody Sunday" and Eminem's "Kill You". Nod to Gungho_ED.

0 comments

Q: How do you stop a paki from choking? A: No one knows because no one has ever tried.

0 comments

Can’t believe they released the Epstein files to cover up for the Melania movie.

0 comments

My dad always used to say, when one door closes, another one will always open. Lovely fellow, terrible submarine captain.

0 comments

I know a chap who works for the FBI.. He pretends to be a 13 year old girl and chats online to child molesters and stalkers all day.. I don't know what he does for the FBI.

0 comments

I said to my mate, "Did you know that hamsters die after sex?" "I don't think they do," he replied. "Well, the one I fucked did," I said.

1 comment

I will never forgive my sister for marrying a black man. Every time we have a family photograph he sticks out like a turd in a fruit bowl.

1 comment

I bought a alcoholic ginger beer. He wasn't happy.

0 comments

After years of not speaking to my neighbour thinking he was a bit of a twat, turns out he's a brilliant bloke. He's run off with my wife.

0 comments

Using only a .22 pistol I survived a grizzly bear attack. My friend, who I shot in the knee, wasn't so lucky.

0 comments

My wife left me today. I'm gutted, I'd just bought a seesaw.

0 comments

Rosie Jones said when she was younger that she wanted to be a comedian when she grew up. They all laughed. Well they’re not laughing now!!! 🤣

0 comments

My daughter's kitten died, so I got her another one. Now she's got two dead kittens.

0 comments

I think I might have something wrong with one of my testicles. The middle one is hanging lower than the other two.

0 comments

A bloke shouted across the lake..:"how do I get to the other side"?.. I shouted back....." Your on the other side"!

0 comments

Ten years ago I swore I'd never drink at work again. Haven't touched a job since.

0 comments

At her front door she kissed me and whispered in my ear, "Would you like to stay here tonight?" "No," I replied and walked away. Why would I want to stand outside her house all night?

0 comments

I don't believe that elephants are being poached in Africa. Those niggers don't have pan big enough or any water.

0 comments

What's the difference between a baby and a trampoline? You take your boots off before jumping on a trampoline.

0 comments

I've found something that totally eliminates the urge to smoke cigarettes. Heroin.

0 comments

I got a job as a bellhop in a swanky hotel. On my first day the manager said 'Please show this couple up.' I said 'Well his tailor is awful, and judging by the age difference she's only with him for his money.'

0 comments

Gemma Collins,always handy to have around when you need to close a over packed suitcase.

0 comments

Bit of a drop on. Those who have been burned beyond recognition in Switzerland, are only 70 miles away from Dignatas

0 comments

Every New Year's Eve I go to the annual Bulimic's Ball. It's always heaving. (and there's no fat birds)

0 comments

Knowing there would be lots of kissing on New Years Eve, I decided to shave off the moustache, unfortunately she woke up when I sprayed the shaving foam on her face.

0 comments

I realise now that I should have told my three kids not to play with matches. Anyway, I've told my two kids not to do it again.

0 comments

I've just started reading my first ever Braille horror story. I think something bad is about to happen... I can feel it.

1 comment

For Sale: Bottles of sauce. HP available.

0 comments

To all those who received a book off me for Christmas: they're due back at the library on the 2nd of January.

0 comments

I've been trying to find out from the wife all week how her treatment went for frigidity. She's remaining very tight lipped though.

0 comments

Well that's all the Christmas presents put in their correct place. Ebay.

0 comments

I've created an app where customers can order drugs and have it send to them. Its called Instantgram.

0 comments

A local junkie returns to Boots and smashes up the chemist. It would appear that there was Methadone in his madness...

0 comments

My neighbour and her new boyfriend both have osteoporosis. They met on Snapchat.

0 comments

I was driving home the other day when I came up to one of those half barrier level crossings. The red lights were flashing and the barriers were on their way down so I stopped. Suddenly a car full of muslim's pulled out and tried to beat the barriers. They got half way across when a train hit them, the car was destroyed and all the occupants were killed instantly. I sat there open mouthed and thought "Bloody hell, that could have easily been me!" So later that day I sent off my train drivers application form to Network Rail.

0 comments

What's red and white and flies through the air on Christmas Eve? Depressed American people's brains.

0 comments

I got home from work and my American wife had befriended a transvestite tramp and dressed him in one of her old dresses, "Tell me the truth love, " she asked, "does my bum look big in this?"

0 comments

Did you know Jeremy Corbyn has a tattoo? It's on his lampshade.

0 comments

I'm conducting scientific research regarding men having sex with dogs. If anybody wants me I'll be in my lab.

0 comments

My wife makes my heart skip a beat every time I see her. Wish I'd never bought her that Tazer to be honest.

0 comments

Where's the place that little people create Christmas toys for all the good girls and boys? China.

0 comments

My wife asks me, "What do you like most about me, my pretty face, or my sexy body?" I looked at her and said, "I like your sense of humour!"

0 comments

Teacher asks her class, "If I said, 'I am beautiful,' which tense is that?" One kid replies, "It is obviously past."

0 comments

I went for a walk with a beautiful woman. Then she noticed me. So, we went for a run.

0 comments

Me and the family are going to spend Christmas in Australia and see Bondi Beach's famous red sand.

1 comment

If a female comedian tells a joke and nobody laughs, does she have to make everyone a sandwich?

2 comments

"Do you remember that row twenty years ago when we sat down and wrote down each others faults?" I said to my wife. "Oh God yes, I still have mine somewhere, " she said with a giggle. "I've finished, " I replied.

0 comments

I got up this morning and my wife was sat under the tree stark naked with her legs wide open, "Come get your Christmas present, " she said. "Can you take it back tomorrow and get me a smaller size?" I asked.

0 comments

My wife came running in from the garden screaming, "A SNAKE, A SNAKE. " So I quickly went out to have a look, "Whats seventeen plus thirty two? " I shouted at it. "Forty nine, " the snake hissed back. "It's ok, " I shouted to my wife, it's not poisonous, it's only an adder. "

0 comments

This Muslim I was working with on a tower scaffolding lost his footing and slipped, I managed to grab his hand as he was dangling 150 feet in the air. "Please, please, " he pleaded, "don't let me drop, " "Will you eat my bacon sandwich if I pull you up? " I asked, "Yes, yes, of course I will, " he said. So I let him go, I'm not having a fucking Muslim steal my breakfast.

0 comments

I'm always left rather disappointed when they release a new batch of Epstein's photo's... None of them show a 12 year old's minge.

0 comments

I was in a restaurant and knocked a spoon on the floor. A passing customer picked it up for me, "Hello, " he said, "I'm Uri Gellar, the famous spoon bender. " "Spoons? " I replied, "can you not just shove cocks up your arse like normal benders?"

0 comments

A man and a woman who had never met before found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly: him in the upper bunk and her in the lower. At 1:00 AM the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Get your own fucking blanket.

0 comments

A man walks into a barber shop and looks at the barber. He says, “How long until I can get a hair cut?” The barber looks around his shop and then says, “Three hours.” The man says okay and then leaves. Three hours go by and he doesn’t come back. A few days later the man is back at the barber shop. He asks, “How long until I can get a hair cut?” The barber looks around and says, “About two and a half hours.” The man nods and then leaves and he doesn’t come back. The man does this for a while. One day he comes in again and asks, “How long until I can get a haircut?” The barber, a bit hesitant, says “About an hour, you can chill here if you want.” The man shakes his head and says, “It’s okay. I’ll be back,” and he leaves. The barber looks at one of his friends and says, “Follow that guy. I wanna know what he’s doing.” The friend nods and follows the stranger. When the friend gets back he’s laughing. The barber says, “Where did he go?” The friend says, “To your house.”

0 comments

What do they sing at woke Christmas parties? We wish that you hadn't said that, We wish that you hadn't said that, We wish that you hadn't said that, And we know where you live! 🎅🎄❄️☃️🎁🦌

0 comments

Old? Alone this Christmas? That's society's way of tellng you you're a cunt.

0 comments

Abdul at work was proper upset, "What's up mate?" I asked him. "It's my wife, " he said, "we had a serious row last night, she proper spit the dummy. " "Oh dear, " I replied, "never mind, I'm sure you can pop by Mothercare on your way home and pick her a new one up. "

0 comments

"Oh dear, he's missed the blue after avoiding brown and dropped the green. " I said. "I didn't know snooker was still on, I thought it had finished, " replied my wife. "It has, " I answered, "I'm watching the council bin man. "

0 comments

This Christmas tree I bought is terrible. I haven't seen this many needles on the ground since I walked past Ibrox.

0 comments

An Amazon driver asked me the time...I said it's between 9am and 8pm

0 comments

My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?

0 comments

Q: What do you get a pregnant teen for Christmas? A: A coat hanger.

0 comments

I'm not saying I'm a hard bastard... but my birth mark is shaped like a coat hanger.

0 comments

There's a big orange rabbit walking round our village telling everyone that I'm not taking my medication.

0 comments

I saw a black man with seven fingers today. Turns out he was eating a Kit-Kat.

0 comments

Me: "Go fuck yourself, you cunt." Lady in the queue: "Excuse me, my 10 year old son can hear you." Me: "That's who I was talking to."

0 comments

What is the national bird of Iran? A US drone

0 comments

Bought some fish for our garden pond last week but we hardly ever see them. Apparently they are Coy Carp.

0 comments

I was in a train carriage when a Muslim opened his jacket and showed his suicide vest, "Allau Akbar," he shouted. "Hang on a moment son, " I said to him,"you really don't want to do this. Do you see this hairy fat spotty greasy smelly girl stood next to me?" "Yes, " he said, "so what?" "This is my daughter," I replied, "and she's a virgin. "

0 comments

Paedophiles and clocks. They both don't go past twelve.

0 comments

I know a blonde girl who's not that attractive but after I get drunk she looks gorgeous. I've nicknamed her Guinness Paltrow.

0 comments

A husband says to his wife, "My Olympic condoms have arrived. I think I will wear gold tonight." The wife responds, "Why don't you wear silver, and come 'second' for a change?"

0 comments

My wife asked why our three year old son was crying. "He kicked me in the balls," I said. "He's only young, he doesn't understand that it hurts." "He fucking does now," I replied.

0 comments

The Royal Family is devastated after Prince Andrew's car crash next Wednesday.

0 comments

I just watched an Australian cooking show and the audience cheered when the chef made meringue. I was surprised...usually Australians boo meringue.

0 comments

I read a book about an immortal dog. It was impossible to put down.

0 comments

Doreen Lawrence has been made an honorary scouser for her ability to milk a tragedy for twenty years.

0 comments

I can't believe I got fired for taking my work home with me. Anyway, I won't be performing any more autopsies.

0 comments

I asked some African Americans what material they would choose to make Black Lives Matter t-shirts. They picked cotton.

0 comments

Do you know what separates us from animals? The English Channel.

0 comments

Cars have too many gadgets these days. I was reversing my car and it started playing a video of someone getting run over by a car.

0 comments

Megan Markle launches new website MeMeMe.com

0 comments

For Valentine's Day I'm giving my girlfriend something very special, a bottle of vintage perfume. I got it in Salisbury in 2018.

0 comments

Having pets has made my daughter learn about old age and death. Our Rottweiler killed her granny.

0 comments

My wife has left me because i'm so insecure. Hang on,,,she's back now....she was making a cup of tea.

0 comments

I went to a public execution and noticed that the bloke they were going to hang only had one arm and one leg. To make it a bit more lighthearted, I started shouting vowels and consonants.

0 comments

I told Anthony Joshua he was a big, useless, black bastard then put the phone down.

0 comments

I see America finally annexed Canada.

0 comments

My wife bought me a mood ring. When I'm happy it turns green When I'm angry it leaves a purple mark on her face.

0 comments

Why was the anti-vaxxer's 3 year old kid crying? Mid life crisis!

0 comments

My wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with the Internet. Worse than that, my son Google agrees with her.

0 comments

Apparently anything that is popular in China or India will have larger viewing figures than the Superbowl. So by that logic, ping pong and shitting in the streets is more popular than the Superbowl. Yeah, I get that.

0 comments

I bought a drum kit this week, but I was a bit worried about what the neighbours might think. But good on um! They bang along on the walls when I play and are really encouraging me

0 comments

I envy left wing people. I have to spend £50 on drugs or alcohol to act retarded. They don't have to pay a penny.

0 comments

I bought a jack in the box for 50p. But it doesn't work. Why am I not surprised.

0 comments

I went for a walk through the park and I kept on hearing, ' Mark ', ' Mark,Mark '. Five minutes later I found a dog with a hare lip tied to a lamppost.

0 comments

Annoy taxi drivers by ordering a taxi from a busy pub in the name of Spartacus.

0 comments

I couldn't understand why it was taking me longer to wash my face. Then I realised I was going bald.

0 comments

The wife's just thrown 5 cricket balls at me. I said one more and it's over.

0 comments

My ambition was to be a gynaecologist. But I failed the entrance exam.

0 comments

Why shouldn't Rosie Jones be a comedian?. For the same reason Jo Brand isn't a stripper.

0 comments

Honestly, I got my wife a personalised number plate for her birthday which she had kept hinting at and still she's not happy with it. F4 TTY.

0 comments

I hate fucking niggers. I don't even know why I do it.

0 comments

Just paid £4000 for a year's membership to the reincarnation society! Fuck it YOLO

0 comments

We went to the local Bulimic Awareness Realization Foundation meeting yesterday...or barf for short. You can bring up anything you want.

0 comments

Did you know that Raheem Sterling and Marcus Rashford both had the same nickname at school? Nigger.

1 comment

For the next month I'll be wearing pink to raise awareness for people who don't bother to separate laundry.

0 comments

My cunt of a neighbour is forever putting a knife in my sons footballs if they go in his garden. Anyway, I got my own back today, his toddler got into my garden

0 comments

I was once bitten on the arse by a German Shepherd, but he apologised afterwards and even introduced me to his dog.

0 comments

How do you starve a black person? Put their food stamp card under their workboots!

0 comments

I keep having horrible nightmares about fruit machines. My wife has been really supportive, she wakes me up with a nudge, and then she holds me.

0 comments

I was at the checkout, with two fully laden trollies, when I noticed an old lady behind me with only a pint of milk. "Is that all you've got?," I asked. "Yes," she smiled. "Well, you'd better find another till. I'm going to be fucking ages," I said.

0 comments

Poor Anne Frank, She couldn't even put milk on her Rice Krispies.

1 comment

A lot of people don't like Jimmy Savile but when I met him we had a great time. He blindfolded me and I had to guess the weight of two snooker balls in a bag.

0 comments

A bloke knocked my front door last night, "You've left your lights on mate" he said "I know, I can't find my way around the house without them" I replied.

0 comments

Londons burning actor sentenced to eight and half years for sex offences…I don’t think it will be London that’s burning for the next few years

0 comments

When my father died,all he left me was an atlas. It meant the world to me.

0 comments

I said to my wife, "Sometimes I feel really high and then I feel really low." "Get off the fucking swing, Dave," she replied.

0 comments

I like to smile at Pakistani men and then wink. It's great being an army sniper.

0 comments

I met an Irish woman last night, she said the English were the real terrorists. So IRAped her.

0 comments

I just had a threesome. It was right down and dirty. The two girls ages added together was only 26 years. To be fair, the 20 year old only watched.

0 comments

It wouldn't be Christmas without M&S. No, it would be Chrita.

0 comments

Just discovered that I am a victim of identity theft. Be warned,there are now two irritating cunts out there!

0 comments

Had a hearing test yesterday to prove to my family I wasn't going deaf. Of course I sailed through it,but afterwards the Audiologist said something strange to me. She said I should get an earring made.

0 comments

I was driving to work when a Lollipop lady cleaned the snow off my windscreen. Although, I think the impact helped a bit.

0 comments

Handy Tip. To avoid any confusion with the keys to your house,get a pink one for the front door and a brown one for the back door.

0 comments

LET'S OFFEND EVERYONE! I came out of the chip shop with a meat & potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sitting there said “I've not eaten for two days.” I told him, “I wish I had your willpower! I took my biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks and Romanian Gypsies" were not the correct answers. A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time today. She said, “Sorry about the wait.” I said, “Don't worry dear. You might lose it if you stop working in a fast food place." In the forecast! The TV weather girl said, she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, "Fat chance with a face like that!" An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks him, “What's wrong?” The boy says, “My ma is dead”. “Oh bejaysus, " the man says. “Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?” The boy replies, “No thanks, mister. Sex is the last thing on my mind at the moment.” Years ago, it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now muslims, I've found that a bacon sandwich works better! Japanese scientists have developed a camera with a breakneck shutter speed, making it possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth shut. I had a Trivia Competition in the bag until the very last question....which I got wrong. The question was, "Where do women have the curliest hair?" Apparently, the correct answer was Fiji. A woman has a medical at the doctor's. “You are grossly overweight,” he says. “I want a 2nd opinion,” she exclaims. “OK. You're bloody ugly as well.” That should more or less cover everyone !!

0 comments

Dear amazon, Could you please ask your operatives to refrain from verbally abusing me and spitting at me when delivering my parcels. Yours Mr K D Fiddler Rochdale

0 comments

Took my girlfriend to meet my parents last night.. The wife wasn't very happy though.

0 comments

This dry January is getting really hard now.

0 comments

How many animals can you fit in a pair of tights? Two calf's, ten piggies, one ass, a beaver and a fish you can never find!

0 comments

If I knew I was going to be this thirsty today, I would've drunk more last night.

1 comment

ITEMS FOR SALE: Garden Gate. No catch. Homeless Man. Still in box. Cheetah. Good runner. Rottweiler. Reluctant to let go. Geese. Pop round for a gander. etc...

0 comments

Father: Listen son, no matter what you hear or read, wanking will not make you go blind... Son: Dad, I'm over here...

0 comments

To all the blokes that got their girlfriends or wives lingerie for Christmas... On behalf of all of her male Instagram followers, cheers, we like it!

0 comments

I just found out that Sir Anthony Hopkins is Welsh. It certainly explains why he wanted those lambs to keep quiet.

0 comments

Got a fetish for old slags? Join Instagran

0 comments

I've created a social media site where adult men can lie about their age and and talk to children. Instagroom.

0 comments

Old, but gold. A man and his wife are invited to a fancy dress Christmas party. 🌲 But the wife has a headache and declines. So the man dons his reindeer 🦌 costume, and heads off to the party. About 2 hours later, the wife's headache clears. So she decides to go to the party. She puts on her ☃️ snowman costume and goes to the party. She sees her husband, drunk off his ass, and dancing with 2 young ladies. So she decides to play a trick on him, and tempt him. Now, he has no idea it's his wife behind the snowman costume. But she manages to lure him into a bedroom where they have a wild time. However, she is irate at her husband's infidelity. Afterwards, she returns home, removes her costume and climbs into bed. Around midnight the husband comes home. Wife: did you have a nice time? Husband: it was ok. Wife: are you sure you didn't have a NICE time? Husband: I told you, it was ok. When I got there, I suddenly wasn't in the mood to party as you weren't there. So I went into the garden with Bill and Steve to play poker. Wife: Really? Husband: Yeah. Oh by the way, I lent my reindeer costume to your dad. He told me as I was leaving he'd had a blast.

0 comments

I was hitchhiking and decided to show a little leg to passing vehicles. It wasn't long before a car stopped. "Where's the rest of the baby,?" asked the cop.

0 comments

I made my wife go to a fancy dress party last night as an exhaust pipe. She was fuming.

0 comments

I’ll never forget the first time I saw my wife’s chocolate starfish… That nappy was a mess.

0 comments

The idea that dressing like a slut will get you raped is simply untrue. I tried it last night and I just got the shit kicked out of me.

0 comments

The council told me to take my 12-foot high inflatable light-up animatronic Rudolf out of the garden. I said "Be reasonable, he tried to negotiate peace in 1941."

0 comments

Glad to see Kylie enjoying her number 1 at Christmas, and I'll enjoy a number 3 while thinking about that. Also, not the first time George Michael was in the number 2 slot.

0 comments

What a con. Lollipop men aren't actually made of lollipops if you run one over

1 comment

Say what you like about Vladimir Putin. He's still the best damned Geography teacher of all time.

0 comments

I asked Emily Blunt out on a date. She said "No, fuck off you ugly cunt."

0 comments

Talk about missing a trick. Sarah Cox and Joey Ball both work on Radio 2 The Cox and Balls Show.

0 comments

"You play with that bloody acoustic guitar more than you play with me, " moaned my wife. "Yes, " I replied, "It's better shaped, sounds nicer, and the hole's not as big. "

0 comments

My wife kicked me out last night for being drunk and "out of control." Fucking pathetic allowing women to be bouncers anyway.

0 comments

What’s the difference between a gay man and a refrigerator?
 The fridge doesn’t fart when you pull the meat out.

0 comments

Brother was banging his sister. He says, "You fuck like Mum," She laughs. He says, "What?" She said, "That's what Dad says"

0 comments

Last weekend I took the family to the Lake District. We had a long walk, it rained a little but we had a nice time. We saw a field of sheep and one came right up to the fence and my kids got to pet it while it ate some grass so we took some cute selfies and my wife put them on Instagram. Then we got back to town and I bought us all wool sweaters and we had a nice lamb dinner with mint gravy.

0 comments

Took the family to the circus last night. When we got home I closed my eyes and made love to my wife thinking about the trapeze artist and the way the spotlight shined off that sparkly leotard that clung to every curve of her young, athletic body. Then I opened my eyes and immediately started thinking about the elephants.

1 comment

Adult film actress Bonnie Blue to be deported from Bali. And that, children, is how the ultra plague began and that is why we will all have to live underground for the next 6 generations.

0 comments

I was at a work Christmas party until after midnight. When I got to the bottom of the stairs, I quietly got undressed and started to sneak up. "What the fuck are you doing,?" asked the bus driver.

0 comments

"What's the problem?," asked the doc. "The entrance to my arse is sore," I said. "That's probably because you call it the entrance," he replied.

0 comments

The lady who was interviewing me for a job said, "I've got three openings." "Obviously," I replied, "you're a woman."

0 comments

I got a hand job from a blind woman once. She told me, "This is the biggest dick I've ever come across." I said, "You're pulling my leg."

0 comments

The cops have just left. They said if I want to walk around my house naked, I have to do it inside.

0 comments

For Christmas this year my son wants Transformers and my daughter wants a jigsaw. Luckily I can get them both at B&Q and the parking is free.

0 comments

I often read a joke and think, "What a cunt. That's not funny." Then I press "Submit."

0 comments

Think about how stupid the average person is. Then realise that half the world is even more stupid. (George Carlin)

0 comments

How does a chav turn the light on after sex? Opens the car door.

0 comments

An alien walks into a bar. He's 9 foot tall, bright green, silver suit, 28 tentacles, the whole shebang. Everyone's stunned into silence, however the landlord who's used to keeping his cool says, "Welcome stranger. Would you like a pint of bitter?" "No thank you," says the alien "I'm into Stella."

1 comment

So i've decked the halls as the song suggested. Though Mr & Mrs Hall don't share my joy.

0 comments

Exotic foods: English - Pot Noodle. Cambodian - Pol Pot Noodle. Korean - Dog Noodle. Scottish - Och aye The Noo-dle.

1 comment

All 7 dwarfs were on a bus feeling grumpy. So Grumpy got off.

0 comments

I came home from work and found my girlfriend dressed in a cute little police uniform. She said, “YOU’RE UNDER ARREST ON A CHARGE OF BEING AMAZING IN BED!!!” Two minutes later she had to drop the charges due to lack of evidence.

0 comments

A scouse couple was on their first date, decided to go to a vegan restaurant. Looking at the menu, the man asks; "Eh love do you like avacado?" Women replies: "No, I haven't even passed me driving test"

0 comments

According to my chocolate advent calendar, it's two days until Christmas

0 comments

I rang the paranoia society this morning. The girl at the other end said How did you get this number?

0 comments

I must look really sexy in my new convertible BMW. Loads of other motorists have signalled that they plan on having a wank later.

0 comments

Easily stop your wife from sucking her thumb by drawing a cock on it.

1 comment

My wife found out I’d replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the roof.

0 comments

I thought opening a door for a lady was good manners, but she just screamed and flew out of the plane

1 comment

Had a bad hangover this morning so I had a Berocca. It didn't really help but it did make the vodka taste better.

0 comments

2 condoms walk past a gay bar ... ...one says to the other "want to go in there and get shit-faced"

0 comments

When the waiter brought my meal to the table I said, ' Why have you got your thumb on the steak? ' ' I don't want to drop it again,sir ' he replied.

0 comments

I got fired from the golf club today. A group of 6 women came in and all I asked was "18 holes?"

0 comments

The doctor was puzzled when he saw that my penis was covered in liquorice. "What have you been up to?," he asked. "Fucking Allsorts," I replied.

0 comments

What do pikeys and cigarettes have in common? They come in packs They stink like fuck They are banned from pubs

1 comment

Does this now mean Ian Huntley is no longer British and has become a Pole?

0 comments

I am absolutely rubbish at DIY. My door is always open.

0 comments

Never get so called fresh meat from butchers which carry the royal seal of approval. It's usually 15 years old.

0 comments

I got Rupert Lowe to help me fix a crashed computer. He restored it to 1930.

0 comments

We went to the local Bulimic Awareness Realization Foundation meeting yesterday...or barf for short. You can bring up anything you want.

0 comments

What's black and eats pussy to death? Cervical cancer

0 comments

Andrew Mountanything Windsor. .Im just glad his Mum has died and doesnt have all the stress.. .R.I.P. Barbara Windsor

0 comments

One remembers the ' Windsor- motto" : "Ge Arta my pub " !

0 comments

Andy's been told he might get twelve years. Got quite excited apparently.

0 comments

My wife and I both enjoy a cigarette but we would never subject our kids to the dangers of passive smoking. So we built them a shelter at the bottom of the garden.

0 comments

I hate standing in line. I wish she'd hurry up and pick a fucking suspect.

0 comments

I offered free exercise lessons for the homeless, and now I’ve got over 100 squatters.

0 comments

Every time the leper visits his favourite whore, he leaves a tip.

0 comments

Decided to do something completely different and went to the opera. What a fantastic night I had,but they don't like you joining in though.

0 comments

My wife and I had a candlelit dinner last evening. It was barely lukewarm.

0 comments

Do you like flowers but don't have time for gardening? Just pay someone to run over a kid right outside your house!

0 comments

My son has the same colour eyes as my wife. Neither of them have learnt to duck when they piss me off.

0 comments

Single ladies...if you're hungry, or feeling a little insecure, I'm available on both Pancake and Valentine's day this year. X.

0 comments

When Rosie Jones was in class, her teacher asked her what job she wanted to do when she was older, she replied "Stand-up comedienne." Everybody laughed! Well they're definitely not fucking laughing now!!

2 comments

Surnames often describe what your ancestors did in the past. I wonder if that's why David Dickinson has never been on Who Do You Think You Are?

0 comments

How many immature people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Heh heh heh, 'screw'.

1 comment

The hardest thing about being a paedophile is, fitting in.

0 comments

Last Valentine's Day I proposed to my girlfriend but she said no. I thought £50 for anal was a very fair offer.

0 comments

My wife says she wants our sex life to be like a fairytale. So I've invited seven midgets to join in tonight

0 comments

My niece wanted to play catch. She caught my AIDS.

0 comments

Dear sir/Madam, I know police seem to look younger as we age, but the copper who came to arrest the paedophile next door looked so young the peado got excited about it. Prince Andrew. Epstien Island.

0 comments

I left a note on my neighbour's car last night asking him to stop parking outside my house. I couldn't find a pen so I used my car keys.

0 comments

Keir Starmer is as much use as a woodpecker with a rubber beak.

0 comments

I was an accountant from the age of twenty to the age of thirty before I was sacked for no apparent reason. What a waste of fourteen years.

0 comments

I asked an American cop how many people he had shot? "None," he replied, "only niggers."

0 comments

I have always been terrified of giants. After being seen and assessed by a clinical psychologist,I was diagnosed as suffering from Fefifobia.

0 comments

Just buried my friend who was hit by a tennis ball. The service was great

0 comments

Baffled Florida white parents sue fertilisation clinic after delivering a black baby. Problem resolved by ICE.

0 comments

In memoriam of 'Holocaust Day' for my wife, I cleaned our oven.

0 comments

I had been stranded on a desert island for weeks and I couldn't believe my eyes when Scarlett Johansson was washed ashore. Within two weeks we were having mind blowing sex every night. One day I asked her if she could pretend to be my best friend Dave and she agreed. I went for a walk and when I came back I said, ' Fuckin' hell Dave, you'll never guess who I'm shagging. '

0 comments

My mate said he didn’t understand what cloning was. I said that makes two of us.

0 comments

Met a very friendly Arab chap when I was on holiday in Dubai. Sheikh Mahand.

0 comments

It's always better to give than receive. Especially if you are in prison.

0 comments

My friend's wife got the car in the divorce so he said he had to rent one. "Hertz?" I asked. "It sure does." he said with a tear in his eye.

0 comments

Minnesotta, seems it is legal to finger bang in public there!

0 comments

I saw loose women today for the first time in ages. I left my dungeon door open.

0 comments

A chap said..." Do you want the winner of the Grand National "? I said "No thanks,I've only got a small garden "!

0 comments

Whenever I asked my son what he wanted to do when he was older, he'd always say, "Fighter pilot!" On our holiday he was lucky to be invited into the cockpit. He's now also facing assault charges on the co-pilot and two cabin staff.

0 comments

China to re-educate Muslim men. "First well teach them how to use soap and water, then we'll set about this shit they believe in, " a government spokesman commented.

0 comments

This Muslim I was working with on a tower scaffolding lost his footing and slipped, I managed to grab his hand as he was dangling 150 feet in the air. "Please, please, " he pleaded, "don't let me drop, " "Will you eat my bacon sandwich if I pull you up? " I asked, "Yes, yes, of course I will, " he said. So I let him go, I'm not having a fucking Muslim steal my breakfast.

0 comments

You can only call it a blowjob if you are a prostitute/sex worker.

0 comments

I can feel the hamster crawling down towards my anus. Imagine his surprise when he finds his exit blocked by a tramp's tongue.

0 comments

I always remember getting through to the final of the Blow Football competition. I ended up playing the guy who had won it for the past 10 years. Just after the match started he had an asthma attack. I won 35-0!

0 comments

I sometimes find myself crying when I have sex. It all depends if the woman has pepper spray.

0 comments

I stumbled across a YouTube channel just now, there was a woman reading out a list suggesting really fun things to do. I think that she called it The Seven Deadly Sins?

0 comments

The lady who was interviewing me for a job said, "I've got three openings." "Of course you do," I replied, "you're a woman."

0 comments

Girlfriend: "Hold me, wrap your arms around me and never let me go." Wife: "Your knee is on my side of the fucking bed again!"

0 comments

Picked up a Chinese last night. He was very fucking angry.

0 comments

Jesus was a carpenter, but he couldn't play any instruments. That's why Karen and Richard wouldn't let him in the band.

0 comments

Just come back from watching Little Women. Very disappointing to be honest.... not one midget in the whole film.

0 comments

Professor Kaltzenheimer attended our AA meeting and told us he had developed a tablet that can cure alcoholism completely. All we have to do is take one tablet and we would never drink alcohol again. When he asked if there were any questions, one of the group said, ' What happens if you take two? '

0 comments

Paul Hardcastle's son has died in a motorcycle accident. He was n-n-n-n-n-n-not very old, 35 in fact.

0 comments

The Red Arrows have got their first woman leader. What colour will they be the other 26 days a month?

0 comments

I fancied a wank but I couldn't be bothered using a VPN to access a porn site. So instead I went on a gore site and jerked off to people dying in car crashes.

0 comments

I bought the wife a water bed.... We started drafting apart

0 comments

Me and my old limbo dancing group decided to have a reunion. We go back a long way.

0 comments

At my funeral everyone will be given a taser. Last one standing inherits everything.

0 comments

Funny how when it snows the 'homeless' mysteriously find a bed for the night.

0 comments

The fact that Jesus didn't have a fair trial,called everyone brother and liked gospel were strong indications that he was probably black.

0 comments

I may not be a gynaecologist, but I know a cunt when I see one.

0 comments

Cows can walk upstairs but not downstairs. As first discovered by the horny farmer when his wife came home early.

0 comments

When doing dry January it's important to find ways to replace alcohol in your life. For example, I've replaced drinking with severe boredom, crippling depression and existential dread.

0 comments

My sister just gave birth but sadly the baby has Down's Syndrome. I told her we should have used a condom.

0 comments

Walking through the park yesterday I saw a boy flailing his arms around and making animal noises. I decided to join him and we both got louder and louder. A woman appeared and said, ' What do you think you are doing? ' ' Playing dinosaurs, ' I replied. ' Fuck off, ' she said, 'he's got Down's Syndrome.'

0 comments

I'm not saying your wife is fat and ugly, but when she stripped off at the nudest beach, the tide went out and didn't come back.

0 comments

I came home to find my wife on her hands and knees. "What's wrong?," I asked. "I've got chest pains," she replied. "You're kneeling on your tits," I said.

0 comments

I drink my coffee like an American cop. Black with a couple of shots in it.

0 comments

What do you call a woman who shits herself wearing a thong? A log splitter.

0 comments

Have you noticed whenever God throws a wobbler he always sends his Earthquakes and Tsunamis to the most poverty ridden disease infected shitholes on the planet. I would be very worried if I lived in Oldham, Burnley or Rochdale.

0 comments

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish everything I start. So far today, I’ve finished a bag of chips, a bottle of gin, and my marriage. I feel lighter already

0 comments

I can't be arsed taking down all the Christmas decorations so I'm thinking of converting my house into a Chinese restaurant.

0 comments

Over Christmas I've been waking up at 7pm, wanking 8 times a day, eating cold beans straight from the can and washing them down with Aldi vodka. So no change there.

0 comments

Little Jimmy who was wheelchair bound fell out when he tried to get over a kerb. Just to his left he saw a lamp on the floor so of course he rubs it, and yes, out pops a genie. "OK, son, " said the genie, "you know the drill you get three wishes." "Wow said Jimmy, I wish I could walk. " Poof, Jimmy can walk. "I wish I played for a famous football club. " Poof.. Jimmy was grown up and in the dressing room at Anfeild where Arne Slot was giving a team talk. "Fucks sake, " said Jimmy, "I wish I was back in my wheelchair. "

0 comments

I often think of my grandfather and his tragic death in Auschwitz. He slipped and fell of a guard tower and broke his neck.

0 comments

Why do Jewish men get circumcised? Jewish woman can't resist anything with 25% off.

0 comments

I haven't had sex for so long it feels as though I'm married again.

0 comments

Police have confirmed that the man who fell from the roof of a nightclub and died was not a Bouncer.

0 comments

My co-worker Mohammed was looking depressed so I asked him what was wrong. "My wife's going through "the change" and to be honest I'm just not finding her attractive any more." "The menopause I asked?" "No, puberty."

0 comments

I just found out my elderly neighbour in her 90s was on their own yesterday, so I went over to borrow her spare chairs.

0 comments

Chris Rea finally pulled off the ultimate “Driving Home for Christmas” – no sat-nav needed, just a grim reaper in the passenger seat flooring it down the express lane to the afterlife, three days before the big day. The cheeky bastard pancreatic cancer that nicked his entire pancreas, duodenum, gallbladder, and a slab of liver back in 2001 must’ve been fuming it didn’t finish the job then – came crawling back like a bad ex for round two and finally bagged the gravel-voiced legend. This absolute tank of a man survived that Whipple butchery, a massive stroke in 2016 that fucked his arms and speech, type 1 diabetes, peritonitis, popping 34 pills a day like they were fucking Tic Tacs, and seven insulin jabs just to stay vertical… only to peg it right when every supermarket, radio station, and M&S advert is blasting his husky arse warbling about top of the world and thousand memories. Talk about cosmic piss-take – millions driving home to his tune while his family’s booking a hearse with tinsel on the roof. At least up there, no more chemo, no more needles, and the heating’s guaranteed better than a frozen British motorway. Farewell, you indestructible Middlesbrough madman – heaven’s roads to hell just got a proper soundtrack. RIP you glorious, chain-smoking, blues-belting hero

0 comments

Ruben Amorim has promised fans of Manchester United that they will be in a major European competition next year...even if he has to write the song himself .

0 comments

A man from Dartford has been jailed for 4 years after he beat his partner with a frying pan, leaving her in a coma. If only he'd used a Teflon pan. Then the charges wouldn't have stuck.

0 comments

True story. I came back to the UK after spending 30 years in Southern Africa (Zimbabwe, Namibia and SA) My wife looked out the window at the weather today and said, "Bloody hell, it's looking black out there." "Nothing's changed then." I replied.

0 comments

"The way to a man's heart is through his stomach." - Fanny Fern "I prefer to go in through the xiphisternum!" - Jeffrey Dahmer

0 comments

(A groaner) Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer is being interviewed on a popular chat show. Host: So, Rudolph, do you get along well with the other reindeer? Rudolph: Oh, they're great. We have so much fun together. Except for this one bxtch. She makes my life miserable Host: Really? Care to tell the audience her name? Rudolph: Sure. It's Olive. Host: Olive? Never heard of a reindeer names Olive. We all know Prancer and Dancer, Comet and Vixen... Rudolph: No! It's Olive. She's so nasty they wrote a song about her. Host: Can you sing it? Rudolph: Sure. "Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names...

0 comments

What do paedophile hunters from Yorkshire put on their Christmas tree? t'incel

0 comments

On the first day of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me... Fifteen dead Jewwwwws A ten year old corpse Nine empty clips Eight uneaten latkes Seven "outraged" politicians Thousands of meaningless vigils Billions of happy Muslims and endless bullshit coverage on the BBC

0 comments

Playing the piano is quite difficult. I know that because all the cunts who try to play the free one at the train station are fucking shit at it. Thanks Channel 4.

1 comment

We were in Peru and this strange animal mounted my wife from behind and fucked her up the arse. A Llama? No, she really enjoyed it.

0 comments

I never wash my clothes or clean my teeth. It may seem disgusting but according to the adverts doing those things will make your skin turn black.

0 comments

Why don't Muslims drink alcohol? Because they're already shitfaced.

0 comments

What has 8 hairy black legs, 7 eyes and makes women scream?
 Getting gang raped.

0 comments

Why do brides wear white?
 So the dishwasher matches the fridge and the oven

0 comments

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
 Trick question – feminists can’t change anything.

0 comments

I was in the park and saw a lonely little boy sitting on a swing, so I went over and gave him a push. He still wouldn't get off, so I punched him.

0 comments

I called my son's teacher this morning and said, "He won't be coming in today, he's got diarrhea and has just followed through in his pants...and he is very embarrassed" "Fair enough, " he said, "It's going around the school." "Is it?" I asked. "Yes," he laughed, "I'm telling everyone."

0 comments

We keep warning faggots about AIDS but they just refuse to pay attention. It's in one rear and out the other.

0 comments

My grandfather was a very brave man, he flew a Spitfire against the Germans. Meanwhile my grandmother got spitroasted by the Americans.

0 comments

My mum died 10 years ago today. I went on youtube and listened to her funeral song. Bridge Over Troubled Water by Simon and Garfunkel and cried a little. Then the song ended and Youtube went HEY DO YOU NEED A COFFIN? LOOKING FOR A CHEAP FUNERAL? CALL 0800-YOUR-MUMS-DEAD

0 comments

The Duchess of Cambridge has been keen to show off her piano skills this Christmas. Much like when the Queen played at Diana's funeral.

0 comments

I took the dog for a walk in the park earlier. It was lunchtime and I could hear all the kids at the primary school playing in the playground. Hearing the screams of all those children echoing through the trees... I started having flashbacks to when I was in Vietnam. It was last year, I took the missus. They've got great parks there and the children are really happy. We had a great time and it was a bargain. 8/10 would go again.

0 comments

My Muslim son is really clever at school. He's now in the same year as my wife.

0 comments

Why do women wear panties with flowers on them? In loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there.

0 comments

When I was growing up, there was the Waterboard and the Gas Board. Ideal names for new departments in Immigration

0 comments

I was at the currency exchange today waiting in line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for sterling. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat poun of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady relied, "Fluc you white people too!"

0 comments

From today ,all under 16's in Australia must use vpn's

0 comments

What did the 12 year old Pakistani girl get for her birthday? Pregnant.

1 comment

My girlfriend found out that I'm an organ trafficker. "How can you do that?," she screamed, "you don't have a heart." "Actually, I have four," I replied.

0 comments

My son has the same colour eyes as my wife. Neither of them have learnt to duck when they piss me off.

0 comments

Waiter: "What would sir like to drink?" Guy: "Oh what non alcoholic beers are there?" Waiter: "Would you like crayons and a colouring book with that?"

0 comments

A man came into my antique shop earlier today and made an offer for a vase. We haggled for a bit, then he said, "What's the lowest you're prepared to go?" So I showed him photos of me wearing a gimp mask with the wife sh***ing in my mouth.'

0 comments

Statistically 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy

0 comments

Spare a thought for all the people who will be homeless this Christmas. Prince Andrew for example.

0 comments

Just got myself a second hand diver's watch. I'd have had the drowned cunt's scuba tanks too if they weren't so heavy.

0 comments

We were watching a film on the telly when all of a sudden the bloke lifts the woman onto the kitchen top and starts to make love to her, "Yeah, right, " said the wife, " as if that happens. " "I totally agree, " I replied, "the only thing that gets fucked in our kitchen is the food. "

0 comments

I hate being dyslexic, especially at Christmas. I've had so many punches and slaps because I often get 'Cameltoe' and Mistletoe' mixed up. But you try explaining that to a judge.

0 comments

I went to see my wife in hospital and took her flowers. My girlfriend will love them.

0 comments

Supergalley, thanks again for setting this up. Ive got a ton of old jokes from the old siki (going back more than 10 years) and I will post em here periodically. Also, i'm a network administrator, not sure if you need one of them but if my skills can help your site then i'm happy to help.

1 comment

I was digging a hole in the garden when I found some gold coins. I was about to run and tell my wife, when I remembered why I was digging a hole in the garden…

0 comments

While watching "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" in bed, I turned to my wife and asked, "Want to have sex?" Without even glancing my way, she replied, "No." "Is that your final answer?" I asked. "Yes," she said firmly. "Alright," I said, "then I’d like to phone a friend." And that’s when the fight began.

0 comments

Spare a thought for the unlucky, rich show offs, who chose to go to an Arabic country for some winter sun, and hope that a drone doesn't destroy their plane on the way home. Sent from my I-phone in Benidorm

0 comments

What is the difference between Jesus, and a picture of Jesus? You can hang the picture with just one nail.

0 comments

Why is the bible like a penis? You get it forced down your throat by a priest.

0 comments

I called in at a village pub for a quiet pint. When I went to the toilet I couldn't believe my eyes. There was a man leaning over the sink and a ginger haired bloke shagging him up the arse.There was also another man shagging the ginger haired bloke up the arse at the same time. When I went back to the bar and told the barman what I had seen he just shrugged his shoulders and said the ginger haired bloke was quite lucky at dominoes as well.

0 comments

OBLITERATED?? It appears that Iran's nuclear program grew back almost as fast as his ear.

0 comments

♪♪Oh Carol, I am but a ghoul...♪♪

0 comments

The wife didn’t like my joke about a prisoner with dwarfism falling out of a window... ...she said it was a little condescending.

0 comments

How do you starve a black man? Hide his food stamps under his work boots.

0 comments

Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor walks into a bar. In his cell. With his head pushed up against it as he gets anally fisted by his cell mate.

0 comments

Jill goes home one night with a guy she met at a club. He's tall, superhot, and seems different to most guys she's met. They arrive at his place and head straight to the bedroom and she immediately notices a shelf unit full of teddy bears. On the bottom are small teddy bears, on the middle there are medium-sized bears, and the top full of large teddies; all neatly displayed in rows. She now begins to think that he's sentimental, sensitive and sweet and isn't afraid to show it. Her heart melts and she feels an overwhelming urge to give him the best night of his life. She therefore starts off by giving him a porn-style sloppy blowjob before offering use of the other two holes....in fact she completely gives her all to the session! In the morning, she's slowly dressing and noticing him waking, so asks: "How was that?" He yawns and replies: "Not bad at all. Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!"

0 comments

Is it just me or are all women's chat-up lines getting really lame? If I'm in the pub I'm fed up of hearing "Who's your handsome friend?" or "What's your friend's name?"

0 comments

I could never have been a racist slave owner with a cotton plantation. I don't allow niggers on my property.

0 comments

This young married couple moved in next door to me, they seem pleasant enough but they both have Down's Syndrome. I was having a chat with them over the garden wall and they told me that they're trying to start a family, I had to caution them "Two Mongs don't make a mite!"

0 comments

My bowel movements are like buses, nothing for ages then two come along at once. And they're always bright red.

0 comments

In today's world, it’s vital to establish a good vocabulary. If only I had known the difference between the words 'antidote' and 'anecdote', my wife would still be alive now

0 comments

Guy wants a new hunting dog. Sees a sign at a farm "FANTASTIC HUNTING DOG FOR SALE". So he enquires. Farmer says "this Labrador is only 6 months old, but it's really special" "How?" "It can walk on water. Watch." So the farmer takes the hunter to a pond, and throws a stick. The Labrador walks across the water and retrieves the stick, with only it's paws getting wet. The farmer does this three more times. "Wow! That's incredible!! How much?!" "£3000" "Ouch. Expensive, but I'll take it." * * * * The following weekend, the hunter is out shooting ducks with his mate, who is a bit of a blowhard. He decides to impress him with his new dog. He shoots a duck and sends the Labrador across the pond. It walks across the water, without getting wet, and retrieves the duck. The hunter's partner says nothing. This goes on for the rest of the day. The hunter bags six ducks, each time his new Labrador walks on water to retrieve the duck. But his partner makes no comment. So the hunter is a bit annoyed. On the drive home he finally turns to his hunting partner and asks: "Didn't you notice anything unusual about my new Labrador?" His partner replies: "Aye, it cannae fucking swim."

0 comments

Three things that never lie; 1. Young children 2. Drunks 3. Leggings

0 comments

The chap who invented the speed boat has died. After his funeral there will be a wake.

0 comments

A woman stopped me in the street this morning. She said, "Do you know anything about cars?" I said, "I know a bit." She said, "Could you look at mine and see what you think?" I said, "Of course." After inspecting the car for about 20 minutes I said, "Yeah, it's quite nice."

0 comments

I was in Wetherspoons last night and this 7 foot tattooed skinhead came up to me and said "'ere mate, are you looking at my girlfriends tits?" I said "Well her tits looked at me first!"

0 comments

What's orange & yellow and would look good on James Corden? . . . . . . . . . . Flames!

0 comments

Q: What do you call a bloke who dumps his bird a day before Valentines? A: Cheep cunt

0 comments

I don't want to sound big headed but I couldn't get my jumper on this morning.

0 comments

My mate who works for the RAC, has been off work for 6 weeks with stress. I think he's had a breakdown.

0 comments

The wife wants to sell our old Chinese bowl but it has a few chips in it. She'll have to wait until I've eaten them.

0 comments

I used to work for a security company and one of my jobs was to drive Mick Jagger and Keith Richards around for a month. Anyway, one day they both decided they were going for some drugs in Paris and I couldn't find them again, got sacked as soon as I got back. Anyway it turned out to be a blessing in disguise as I was offered a job writing for a slimming publication because every woman wanted to know... ...how to lose two stones in a month.

0 comments

I woke up from a nightmare,sweating. Was I dreaming? NO. I was watching Olympic Curling In retrospect, dreaming of paint drying would have been more exciting.

0 comments

I was worried that the mechanic would take advantage of me because I'm a blonde woman. Luckily, I only needed indicator fluid.

0 comments

If you only have two hours left to live,watch a Scottish football match. Then it will seem like four hours.

0 comments

As she lay there dead on the floor with blood still seeping from the wound the copper said to me, "OK, in your own words, tell me what happened. " "I don't know, it was an accident, I was cleaning it and it went off, "I answered. "IT'S A FUCKING BOW AND ARROW! " he yelled back at me.

0 comments

Hey, Luigi! You lika da women witha da juicy lips? Si,I jussa lova da juicy lips. You lika da women witha da bigga da tits? Mamma Mia, they driva me crazy. You lika da women witha da nice,tight ass? Amigo,a tight ass issa beautiful. Luigi,why you fucka my wife?

0 comments

I'm gobsmacked by the latest release of the Epstein files. Wow, wasn't Sarah Ferguson lucky that Jeffrey didn't reciprocate her invitation to marry her. Otherwise, she would have been married to a great nonce.

0 comments

When it comes to oral sex women are so much luckier than men. They can suck a dick and still doomscroll on their phones.

0 comments

What was the man in the iron mask's favourite food? Walled-off salad.

0 comments

Hello Mr Seaman. Good morning Mrs Windass, I see you are here with Mrs Belcher. Is Mr Woodcock okay? I'm afraid he woke up rather stiff this morning, so I have asked Miss Hooker to look after him. I was chatting to Mr Dickins earlier and he said that he and Miss Hooker regularly meet up. Well she is usually with Mr Cox. Do you happen to know if Mr Cummings is coming? I'll just check with Mrs Adcock. And do you know what time the Deed Poll Dodgers Society meeting starts please?

1 comment

My girlfriend is 18 and quite a bit younger than me. When we went to the pub last night everyone started calling me nonce and paedo. It was quite upsetting and completely spoiled our tenth anniversary.

0 comments

I've just seen the 3 sports presenters for the upcoming Winter Olympics. Could the BBC have picked an uglier trio than these three and why has the BBC stopped using male commentators. WOK gone made I guess.

0 comments

Since it's Holocaust Memorial Day I'm going to look at pictures of sexy Jewish celebrities and have an "Anne Frank".

0 comments

My belt broke so I went to the shop to buy a new one. "I hope your trousers didn't fall down" said the shop assistant. "No, I did." I replied. (can we get a suicide category?)

1 comment

My kids love watching Angela Lansbury in Bedknobs and Broomsticks. I'd rather see bedknobs and broomsticks in Angela Lansbury.

0 comments

She had a gorgeous body and a pretty face but I knew we wouldn't be together long because of her hair. It had fallen out due to chemotherapy.

0 comments

A poem for Burns' night: There's a certain host of Loose Women Whom I would like to take swimming When she's all nice and clean I'll tickle her bean and give her one hell of a rimming.

0 comments

One of Mick Jagger's relatives has disappeared. Wonder if they will re-release Miss You

0 comments

United Kingdom HMS His Majesty's Ship United States of America USS United States Ship Italy DMB Dat'sa Ma Boat

0 comments

Just donated £20 to buy some mosquito nets for Africa. It's not fair on on them when they keep catching Aids off all the niggers

0 comments

My local is doing a 'Renee Good cocktail'. Three shots with a dash of blood orange

0 comments

My dish washer is broke. So I've just lent the wife £20

0 comments

The train in Spain crashed spilling lots of brains, and rupturing many veins...

0 comments

Who says modern technology can't exist along with religious traditions... My new 3D printer has made me a perfect Voodoo doll of Axel Rudakubana. Just waiting for it to finish making the eye gougers and I'll give it a try.

0 comments

Helen Keller walks into a bar, then a table, then a chair.

0 comments

I am defo not going to Minnesota to do the ICE bullet challenge!

0 comments

Q. What goes . . . black white red black white red black white red black white red? A. A nun rolling down a hill with a hatchet in her back. --- Q. What goes . . . black red black red black red black red black red black red black red black red black red black red white? A. A nigger wanking.

0 comments

Travelling at 80 mph in my car I hit a man and he went head first through the windscreen. A police officer witnessed it and said to me, " don't worry sir I'll arrest him for breaking and entering."

1 comment

Jesy Nelson told her twin babies may 'never walk'. Little Crips?

0 comments

I'm proud to say I've never been to bed with an ugly bird. I've woken up with a few though.

0 comments

What kind of idiot lights sparklers on champagne bottles then holds them next to the ceiling in a Swiss nightclub? It's completely cuckoo.

1 comment

Which singer had a fear of sunlight? Gladys Knight.

0 comments

Our managers brought in a motivational speaker to encourage us to do better. He said, ' It's very important to say what you feel.' I said, ' Fuck you! '

0 comments

Antonio Banderas O no, an arse bandit

0 comments

Turned on CNN this morning and saw video of fireworks across the globe, and people partying in the streets of New York, London, Sydney. I thought to myself: "wow! Is he dead?". Then remembered it was New Year.

0 comments

Sex dolls are to be made more realistic for Muslims. They will include a fetus.

0 comments

I attended my first Flatulence Anonymous group meeting last week. The Co-ordinator told us that the windows and door must be kept open whilst the meeting is being held.

0 comments

It's Saturday night so I was too lazy to cook and had a Rustlers burger. No doubt named after the noise the empty packets make as they blow around council estates.

0 comments

Electrical fires are like Jews, best extinguished with gas.

0 comments

I knew that I had a drink problem when my piss began to smell of alcohol. I knew that I was an alcoholic when I discovered that it tasted like it too.

1 comment

As you all carry on with your Christmas festivities please spare a thought for the people who have to work tomorrow. Those poor footballers.

0 comments

The T-shirt was originally called the Tyrannosaurus Shirt. Because of the short arms.

0 comments

Why did the Japanese boy drop his ice cream? Because he got hit by a building.

0 comments

Guess who won't be driving home this Christmas ?

0 comments

As news breaks of canal boats disappearing down a giant sinkhole, the RNLI have said their canal ambulance should be there by Friday

0 comments

Fool if you think it's over... It is now!

0 comments

After a long day of delivering presents, Santa goes home to Mrs. Claus. He drops his trousers and underwear and says "Come and get it!" Mrs. Claus sighs and says "can you take it back tomorrow and exchange it for a bigger size?"

0 comments

Towards the end of the TV marathon, Putin was asked a series of quickfire questions, touching on his views on friendship, religion, the motherland and love at first sight. He said he believed in love at first sight - then added that he himself was in love, without divulging any more details. So there you have it. Putin is in love with Trump.

0 comments

Not gonna cry for Gil Gerard coz i know he'll be back.... in about 450 years. RIP u legend

0 comments

Election Issues: People say we need more police officers. Sarah Everard's family are like eh...

0 comments

William H. Macy is a great actor. Like in Fargo he really had me convinced he was a pathetic swindler.

0 comments

My mate phoned me and asked what I was doing. "Probably failing my driving test," I replied.

0 comments

China to re-educate Muslim men. "First we'll teach them how to use soap and water, then we'll set about this shit they believe in, " a government spokesman commented.

0 comments

I love this time of year,I turn on all my taps,put the washer and dish washer on with nothing in them,run the bath and shower with no plug in,have my hose running into the drain then I wait till the wateraid charity advert comes on so I can piss myself laughing at the dehydrated niggers.

0 comments

As I've gotten older, every year I need stranger and weirder porn to jerk off to. This week I'm watching musical parodies but I still couldn't cum. Then I found Shitty Titty Gangbang 💦

0 comments

By the end of it, I get really sick of seeing my wife's face light up all over Christmas. Fat cow is always opening in the fridge door.

0 comments

Remember - 72.6% of all statistics are made up on spot. The other 33.8% contain some type of basic mathematical error. 51% of the time, it works every time!

0 comments

Wolves have got less points than a triangle

0 comments

Nine out of ten voices in my head say I'm not crazy. The other one is humming the Tetris theme.

0 comments

My wife as looking at an evening dress in an expensive shop, "It's beautiful, isn't it?" she said. "Yes, " I replied, "I wonder if they have it in your shape. "

0 comments

me.."I'm trying to get over my addiction to calendar stealing." bob. "How's it going?" me,,"Not bad. I'm taking it one day at a time".

0 comments

Statistically 5 out 6 people enjoy Russian roulette.

0 comments

When it comes to Christmas cookery shows Delia Smith pisses all over Nigella Lawson. Thanks, AI porn generator.

0 comments

Just saw my first Christmas jumper. He leapt off the multi-storey car park.

0 comments

A factory which makes prosthetic limbs for overweight people was broken into last night. Police have warned the public not to approach the culprits if they see them as they will be heavily armed.

0 comments

So the Government rolling out big time facial recognition cameras....I wouldn't be surprised that in a few years they'll even be including White faces.

0 comments

BBC News: King Charles welcomes German president on state visit. He said "Didn't you guys used to have kings too? Oh, now I remember. This chemo really messes with my memory."

1 comment

NURSERY RHYMES UPDATED FOR THE 21st CENTURY Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall Humpty Dumpty had a great fall The structure of the wall was incorrect So he won ten grand with Claims Direct. It's raining, it's pouring Of course it’s global warming. Jack and Jill went into town To fetch some chips and sweeties Now he can't keep his heart rate down And she's got diabetes. Georgie Porgie pudding and pie Kissed the girls and made them cry When the boys came out to play He kissed them too coz he was gay. Mary had a little lamb It ran into a pylon 10,000 volts went up it's arse And turned it's wool to nylon.

0 comments

I was raised as an only child ...which I think was hard for my sister.

0 comments

Today, I asked my phone, “Siri, why am I still single?” and it activated the front camera.

0 comments

A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps so the doctor examines her and does some tests. He says, "you're going to have to get used to the idea of long sleepless nights full of crying and changing nappies" "Why? Am I Pregnant?" "No" the doctor replies, you've got bowel cancer.

0 comments

People are like sharks. The great ones are white

0 comments

thanks for setting up the site Supergalley...i'll be posting some old sicki jokes soon :)

1 comment

Statistics are so easy to misrepresent. Left wing civil servants claim that Mohammed is the most popular boys male in delivery wards. By the same logic: I'm a big celebrity at my local rape-crisis centre

0 comments

I have to admit, I'm ashamed of my sister, she's not a good parent. When my niece was really young she used to batter her with a wire coat hanger. Later she changed to hitting her with a heavy leather belt . . . after she was born.

0 comments

I bought a alcoholic ginger beer. He wasn't happy.

1 comment

Breaking News - Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor has decided to undergo gender reassignment as his sentence will be in an all female prison. Unfortunately, under the new name Andrea Mountsanything-HMPStirling, she doesn't realise that she will be sharing a cell with Fergie Slag-Bag.

0 comments

Why did Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor get a beard trimmer for Christmas? Because he was a big fan of grooming.

0 comments

7 pints, 2 joints and half a Viagra. I'm feeling manly and walking out of the bedroom to wash my knob in the sink. "Can you paint the bedroom ceiling this weekend?" was not the first words I was expecting to hear the wife say when I ran the tap

0 comments

My missus said I was unromantic because I never wrote her a love letter...so I soon put that right. I love doggies I love bacon I love beer I love brandy I love guitars. I love football I love motorbikes I love computers I love chocolate I love walking I love chips You say I never wrote you a love letter. There you go!

0 comments

Why won't banks give you a loan for a one-way ticket to Thailand

0 comments

I'm a chameleon. Somehow wedged myself between a brick and a tree trunk. Brown to the left of me. Ochre to the right. Here I am stuck in a middle-ish hue.

0 comments

How do you confuse an Irishman? Tell him even though it says sparkling on the label, it's still water.

0 comments

Women eh, the wife's running round like a scalded cat that she's late for her first weight watchers meeting, I only mentioned that it wouldn't matter as she was twenty years late already. Sent from A&E Rochdale. Not many stitches needed this time.

0 comments

Trump attacked Venezuela. He threatened to invade Greenland. He's going to send ICE to Italy.... He's really disrespecting his idol by not invading Poland.

0 comments

Keir Starmer flies to China for three day visit. Can't blame him, last year I spent a month in Pattaya.

0 comments

I feel for Broklyn Beecham or whatever he's called, my mother-in law ruined our first dance at our wedding back in 1977 by not being dead.

0 comments

Doctor Doctor, it hurts when I do this, (rotates arm around his elbow). Doctor: Well don't do it then

0 comments

I was mugged last night by a boy with a knife. The police think he was local as the knife still had butter on it.

0 comments

I was playing in the park with my daughter when a kid ran up to me and slapped me round the face with a slice of cheese.. I said how dairy

0 comments

I've ate so much food over Christmas that i had to phone a midwife tonight to help me go to the toilet.

0 comments

Woman in her 80s murdered in Devizes. ...did she have melons of two different sizes?

0 comments

Now that all the Christmas presents are unwrapped it's time for the next tradition of the day: Putting them on eBay.

0 comments

Travelling at speed in my car I hit a Paki and he went flying through the windscreen head first. A local police officer witnessed it and said to me "don't worry sir I'll arrest him for breaking and entering."

1 comment

Went to the Christmas party with an ugly sweater. aka my girlfriend.

0 comments

I've just moved to a new neighbourhood so I've been to every single house in a half a mile radius to sing all of them some jolly Christmas carols. I figured it softens the blow since it's mandatory for me to tell them all that I am sex offender. (one of wasp's believe it or not)

0 comments

What’s the difference between a proctologist and a HGV driver? A proctologist only has to deal with one arsehole at a time!

0 comments

Naveed Akram is innocent until proven guilty. However I think it will be a Kangaroo court.

0 comments

I was in a train carriage when a Muslim opened his jacket and showed his suicide vest, "Allau Akbar," he shouted. "Hang on a moment son, " I said to him,"you really don't want to do this. Do you see this hairy fat spotty greasy smelly girl stood next to me?" "Yes, " he said, "so what?" "This is my daughter," I replied, "and she's a virgin. "

0 comments

"My body is like a temple, " said my sister. "Are you sure you don't mean a Mosque with the amount of Muslims you've had in it?" I replied.

0 comments

Bondie Beach

1 comment

If Russia was to invade Turkey from the rear... Would Greece help?

0 comments

"Taylor Swift reveals moment she broke down over Southport attack in new documentary." Oh that poor millionaire. Dry your eyes with some $100 notes etc.

0 comments

I came home from work to find my daughter crying her eyes out. That bastard of a boyfriend had finished with her again. I totally lost it and went looking for him, the twat ran like hell when he saw me. It took three teachers and two dinner ladies to get me off him.

0 comments

Maccabi Tel Aviv have announced that they have signed Tommy Robinson. He'll be on the right wing and has promised loads of crosses

0 comments

Last year I bought my 5-year old nephew a jigsaw for Christmas. Terrible idea as it turns out, 10 minutes after he'd opened it he'd sawed off 2 of his fingers!

1 comment

After getting detained in Israel this year, surely Greta Thunberg deserves a lump of coal in her stocking this Christmas.

0 comments

I just finished watching "100 Greatest Sexy Moments" on Channel 4, what a load of rubbish! How did the greenhouse scene from Scum not make the list?

0 comments

An alien from the planet Zarg walks into a small country pub. "I'll have a pint please," he says with a smile. The barman says, "We don't serve aliens in here." "If you serve me," replies the alien, "I'll buy everyone in here a pint." "Sorry mate, can't do it. It's against the brewery's policy," replies the barman. "What about if you invite the whole town for drinks, make it a free bar, and I foot the bill at the end of the night?" The pound signs light up in the barmans eyes: "Ok, you're on." By the end of the night, everyone, including the alien, is pissed. The barman says, "That'll be seven grand please mate!" The alien pulls his wallet out and says, "Have you got change for a Zonk?"

0 comments

A man is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock at the front door. He opens it to find two sheriff’s deputies there. He asks if there is a problem. One of the deputies asks if he is married. The man replies, “Yes, I am.” The deputy then asks if he could see a picture of the man’s wife. The guy says, “Sure…” and gets a photo to show them. The deputy says, “I’m sorry, sir. But it looks like your wife’s been hit by a truck.” The guy replies, “I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook.”

0 comments

Girls with a leg amputated are the most likely to cheat on you. They'll hop on anybody.

1 comment

Labour MPs …because not all gimps wear a mask

0 comments

My wife Ruth just left me after 27 years of marriage. people said it was because I was too caring, but now I'm Ruthless

0 comments

Last christmas eve I left the pub early, thought I should get home early while its christmas. Anyway, I found the missus sprawled out on the bed in a sexy santa outfit, gripping her left tit and moaning, just then the wardrobe door opened and Harry my next door neighbour came out with just a santa hat on and a white beard. I shouted Harry FFS, the wifes having an heart attack here and your trying to frighten her...sheesh!

0 comments

You're old if you remember seeing this as the top Joke for many years.... Statistically 9 out 10 people enjoy gang rape.

0 comments

Every year for Christmas my grandma buys me big black vibrating anal toys. Well, actually she gives me Amazon vouchers but that's what I spend them on.

0 comments

Statistics suggest that 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape! (Let's get some of the old classics posted back up).

0 comments

I'm glad to see King Charles hosting a state visit with Germany's president. Cheers, big ears!

0 comments

During the cold weather the fire service have advised not to plug electric heaters into extension leads as it may cause a fire. Fucking idiots. Fire obviously makes your house warmer.

0 comments

What's the difference between an egg and a wank? You can beat an egg, but you can't.................................

0 comments

I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He later told me it was the most violent book he’d ever read.

0 comments

What’s the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Ferrari? I don’t have a Ferrari in my garage.

0 comments

A reporter asked a bomb disposal expert, "How stressful is your job?" "It's not," he replied, "either I'm right or suddenly it's not my problem."

0 comments

St. Peter's standing at the Pearly Gates, and he spies a little brown face coming up the escalator. A little Pakistani wanders up to him and says 'Good Morning please, be wanting to come into heaven thankyou' 'Look mate', says St. Peter 'It doesn't work that way, you're a muslim, aren't you' 'Yes, being a good muslim thankyou' 'No mate, look I'm sorry. You just can't come in, you're off down there' 'I am GOOD muslim. Wanting to be coming in please' 'You can't be a good muslim, how?' 'But AM GOOD muslim. I am even giving things to charity all the time' St. Peter sighs. 'Like what?' The Pakistani stands up proudly. 'Only last week, I am giving twenty pounds to the children in need' St. Peter considers this for a second and finally resigns himself to the fact that this chap deserves a bit of his time. 'Right, fine, okay" he sighs, "You win. I'll go and have a word with God, wait here' So off he trots wearily through the Pearly Gates, and returns a couple of hours later. He walks back up to the Pakistani and says 'Right, I've had a chat with God about you and it's all sorted.' 'Here's your twenty quid back, now Fuck Off'.

0 comments