London has such a caring community. I've just seen a group of homeless people giving each other the flu vaccine under a bridge.

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Never thought I'd see anything more ironic than a guy in a wheelchair eating a bag of Walkers. Then I saw a black guy drinking a bottle of Innocent.

3 comments

As we left the restaurant, she kissed me and said, "We should have dinner again." "I don't think so," I replied, "I'm full."

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The Paki bloke at work showed me his tattoo. "Isn't that one of those that wash off,?" I asked. "I don't know," he replied.

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As I answered the front door dressed in high heals, stockings & suspenders, leather mini skirt and bright red lipstick, the Avon lady asked "Hello Sir, is your wife at home"?. To which I replied "Take a wild guess love!"

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You know it was a good Christmas party when your P45 arrives at your house before you do.

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My 4 year old daughter came into my bedroom and said, "Daddy, I'm scared. Can I sleep in your bed?" "No," I replied, "I'm not having that fucking monster follow you into my room."

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Abdul and myself were walking past a school when an absolute stunning young girl around 14 came out of the gate, she has everything, huge tits, long dark hair, a voluptuous arse and a beauty of a natural Spanish senorita. "Fuck me, " said Abdul, "I'll bet she was fit when she was younger. "

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chatting to a young girl in the pub last night i said to her " so what do they call you then?"....she replied " vivaldi", so i said " is that after the great composer?".... she said, " no, its because my name is viv and i work at Aldi"...

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Jake Paul felt like he was hit by a truck Anthony Joshua.... hold my beer!

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' Why does everyone think that Chinese people look the same,father? ' said the small Chinese boy. ' I don't know, ' replied the man, ' and by the way,I am not your father. '

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I always sweat a lot when I have sex. Probably due to the wool in my balaclava.

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I like my steaks rare. Tonight I'm having panda.

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Did you know... Black men's semen is more nutritious than white men's? It contains more calories. I have no scientific proof. It's just that their girlfriends are always fat cocksucking whores.

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Probably the sickest joke I ever wrote. Abdul my next door neighbour came round crying and distraught, "My baby girl has died in her cot in the night he cried. " "Oh dear, " I said trying not to laugh, "never mind Abdul, just think of her as another virgin in paradise now for your brave soldiers. "

1 comment

A woman on a dating site sent me a message saying, "Wow, your absolutely gorgeous. How come your still single?" It's spelled "you're", I replied.

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I've been paying the Cat's Protection League every month for over three years. I only missed two payments and they came around and broke my cat's legs.

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Minnesotta general warning..... "Watch out for Ice when driving"

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The doctor told me I should take up something that gets me out of the pub. So I've started smoking.

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I had only been seeing my girlfriend for two weeks when she was killed in a car crash. The first time I met her parents was at the funeral.What a pair of miserable bastards they were.

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What's the best thing about dating a homeless girl? You can drop her off anywhere.

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I walked into the pub and shouted, "All Muslims are cunts." A bloke stood up and said, "I'm offended by that." "Are you a Muslim,?" I asked. "No," he replied, "I'm a cunt."

0 comments

What has 3 doors that will never be opened? Chris Rea's advent calender.

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I went to a meeting of the "I Feel I'm Being Stalked" support group. I knew everybody there... but they didn't know me.

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I just read that the chap who drove into the crowd in Liverpool has been sentenced to 21 years…which ironically is how long the scousers will keep on about it

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Our mum died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to "be positive" but it’s really hard without her.

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We were waiting to pick the kids up at the school and I said to the bloke next to me, "Look at the arse and the size of those tits on that little blonde fucker there, I'll rattle the arse off her as soon as she reaches sixteen. " "Do you mind? " he replied, "that's someone's daughter you know. " "Yes, I do know, " I answered, "mine. "

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Did you know that white people own more dogs than black people. That's because it's illegal to own black people now.

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I took my son to see Santa today, but as soon as he sat on his knee he started crying. "What's wrong?" I asked. "It's this job mate, I fucking hate it"

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I saw a woman in Tesco struggling to control her kids. She looked really stressed. Then she accidently knocked over and smashed a bottle of milk. She dropped to her knees and burst into tears, surrounded by spilled milk. It reminded me of something my dad used to say to my mum, so I walked over to her and said; "Get a fucking grip, you stupid cow."

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I phoned the Child Abuse Hotline. A kid answered, called me a cunt and told me to fuck off.

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This vegan shit has now got out of hand. They're selling plant based alternatives to vapes. They are calling them cigarettes.

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When I was in high school there was a girl in my class called Bernie. Her full name wasn't Bernadette or Bernice, it was Susan. She just had 3rd degree burns all over her face.

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Some people say I'm a bigot but at least I'll admit there are 37 genders. Male, female and 35 kinds of faggot.

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"Do you think I'm sexy with lingerie on or completely naked?," asked my wife. "No," I replied.

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I went to visit my Jewish neighbour yesterday, and found him stripping the wallpaper off the walls. I said "Doing a bit of renovating are you?" He said "No, we're moving house."

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When my grandad was in Auschwitz, he managed to secretly smuggle things out to my nan who he missed dearly. It was just small things, mainly gold fillings and coins.

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So I'm decluttering my house using that one simple rule - if you haven't used it in the last year, get rid of it. First item: fire extinguisher.

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At this time of year, spare a thought for those who struggle to put food on the table. Midgets?

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I used to have a nice house and a nice car until my mate introduced me to drugs. Now I have a yacht and a Caribbean island.

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I was doing some home renovations and, when I knocked through my bedroom wall, I found a full furnished hidden room. Then I remembered that I live in a block of flats.

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Nobody was interested in my carpentry class. Then I offered to teach them how to make glory holes. Now they're all coming out of the woodwork.

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Thanks to supergalley for setting up this new site. The old one was about as much use as a gloryhole in a lesbian bar.

1 comment

I walked in on my little sister giving her fanny a battering with a jumbo cucumber and got annoyed, "I was going to eat that later!" Obviously I didn't eat it later because it would have tasted of cucumber!

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I rang Rochdale A.F.C about a place for my wheelchair bound wife at the ground. "Well I think she'll be ok, " I was told, "but she'll probably have to play in goal. "

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I bought a gun because I have a fear of eagles. "You're getting carried away," said my wife. "Not without a fucking fight I'm not," I replied.

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My missus has just told me that shaving takes the weight off my face. So I suggested she shave her arse.

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I came up behind my wife and starting feeling her tits, hoping to get lucky. Unfortunately I didn't find any lumps.

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A woman walks up to the bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre. So he gives it to her.

3 comments

What's better than winning gold in the Special Olympics? The taste of the windows inside the Sunshine Variety Coach that took you there! p.s. Why are they called 'Variety Coaches' when all the kids inside look the same?

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I was telling a mate how i recentley met this woman. i told him "She's like a real fox.", "is it because she's really hot" he asked.." no" said me, " its because she's hairy and eats out of bins"....

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My mates all say I’m a bit of a pub scarecrow. I stand in the corner and frighten all the birds.

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My new girlfriend said I should buy her some flowers. I said why spend money on something that's going to be dead in a few days?

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I don't believe that elephants are being poached in Africa. Those niggers don't have pan big enough or any water.

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What's the difference between a baby and a trampoline? You take your boots off before jumping on a trampoline.

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I've found something that totally eliminates the urge to smoke cigarettes. Heroin.

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I got a job as a bellhop in a swanky hotel. On my first day the manager said 'Please show this couple up.' I said 'Well his tailor is awful, and judging by the age difference she's only with him for his money.'

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Gemma Collins,always handy to have around when you need to close a over packed suitcase.

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Bit of a drop on. Those who have been burned beyond recognition in Switzerland, are only 70 miles away from Dignatas

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Every New Year's Eve I go to the annual Bulimic's Ball. It's always heaving. (and there's no fat birds)

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Knowing there would be lots of kissing on New Years Eve, I decided to shave off the moustache, unfortunately she woke up when I sprayed the shaving foam on her face.

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I realise now that I should have told my three kids not to play with matches. Anyway, I've told my two kids not to do it again.

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I've just started reading my first ever Braille horror story. I think something bad is about to happen... I can feel it.

1 comment

For Sale: Bottles of sauce. HP available.

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To all those who received a book off me for Christmas: they're due back at the library on the 2nd of January.

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I've been trying to find out from the wife all week how her treatment went for frigidity. She's remaining very tight lipped though.

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Well that's all the Christmas presents put in their correct place. Ebay.

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I've created an app where customers can order drugs and have it send to them. Its called Instantgram.

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A local junkie returns to Boots and smashes up the chemist. It would appear that there was Methadone in his madness...

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My neighbour and her new boyfriend both have osteoporosis. They met on Snapchat.

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I was driving home the other day when I came up to one of those half barrier level crossings. The red lights were flashing and the barriers were on their way down so I stopped. Suddenly a car full of muslim's pulled out and tried to beat the barriers. They got half way across when a train hit them, the car was destroyed and all the occupants were killed instantly. I sat there open mouthed and thought "Bloody hell, that could have easily been me!" So later that day I sent off my train drivers application form to Network Rail.

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What's red and white and flies through the air on Christmas Eve? Depressed American people's brains.

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I got home from work and my American wife had befriended a transvestite tramp and dressed him in one of her old dresses, "Tell me the truth love, " she asked, "does my bum look big in this?"

0 comments

Did you know Jeremy Corbyn has a tattoo? It's on his lampshade.

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I'm conducting scientific research regarding men having sex with dogs. If anybody wants me I'll be in my lab.

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My wife makes my heart skip a beat every time I see her. Wish I'd never bought her that Tazer to be honest.

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Where's the place that little people create Christmas toys for all the good girls and boys? China.

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My wife asks me, "What do you like most about me, my pretty face, or my sexy body?" I looked at her and said, "I like your sense of humour!"

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Teacher asks her class, "If I said, 'I am beautiful,' which tense is that?" One kid replies, "It is obviously past."

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I went for a walk with a beautiful woman. Then she noticed me. So, we went for a run.

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Me and the family are going to spend Christmas in Australia and see Bondi Beach's famous red sand.

1 comment

If a female comedian tells a joke and nobody laughs, does she have to make everyone a sandwich?

2 comments

"Do you remember that row twenty years ago when we sat down and wrote down each others faults?" I said to my wife. "Oh God yes, I still have mine somewhere, " she said with a giggle. "I've finished, " I replied.

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I got up this morning and my wife was sat under the tree stark naked with her legs wide open, "Come get your Christmas present, " she said. "Can you take it back tomorrow and get me a smaller size?" I asked.

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My wife came running in from the garden screaming, "A SNAKE, A SNAKE. " So I quickly went out to have a look, "Whats seventeen plus thirty two? " I shouted at it. "Forty nine, " the snake hissed back. "It's ok, " I shouted to my wife, it's not poisonous, it's only an adder. "

0 comments

This Muslim I was working with on a tower scaffolding lost his footing and slipped, I managed to grab his hand as he was dangling 150 feet in the air. "Please, please, " he pleaded, "don't let me drop, " "Will you eat my bacon sandwich if I pull you up? " I asked, "Yes, yes, of course I will, " he said. So I let him go, I'm not having a fucking Muslim steal my breakfast.

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I'm always left rather disappointed when they release a new batch of Epstein's photo's... None of them show a 12 year old's minge.

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I was in a restaurant and knocked a spoon on the floor. A passing customer picked it up for me, "Hello, " he said, "I'm Uri Gellar, the famous spoon bender. " "Spoons? " I replied, "can you not just shove cocks up your arse like normal benders?"

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A man and a woman who had never met before found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly: him in the upper bunk and her in the lower. At 1:00 AM the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Get your own fucking blanket.

0 comments

A man walks into a barber shop and looks at the barber. He says, “How long until I can get a hair cut?” The barber looks around his shop and then says, “Three hours.” The man says okay and then leaves. Three hours go by and he doesn’t come back. A few days later the man is back at the barber shop. He asks, “How long until I can get a hair cut?” The barber looks around and says, “About two and a half hours.” The man nods and then leaves and he doesn’t come back. The man does this for a while. One day he comes in again and asks, “How long until I can get a haircut?” The barber, a bit hesitant, says “About an hour, you can chill here if you want.” The man shakes his head and says, “It’s okay. I’ll be back,” and he leaves. The barber looks at one of his friends and says, “Follow that guy. I wanna know what he’s doing.” The friend nods and follows the stranger. When the friend gets back he’s laughing. The barber says, “Where did he go?” The friend says, “To your house.”

0 comments

What do they sing at woke Christmas parties? We wish that you hadn't said that, We wish that you hadn't said that, We wish that you hadn't said that, And we know where you live! 🎅🎄❄️☃️🎁🦌

0 comments

Old? Alone this Christmas? That's society's way of tellng you you're a cunt.

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Abdul at work was proper upset, "What's up mate?" I asked him. "It's my wife, " he said, "we had a serious row last night, she proper spit the dummy. " "Oh dear, " I replied, "never mind, I'm sure you can pop by Mothercare on your way home and pick her a new one up. "

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"Oh dear, he's missed the blue after avoiding brown and dropped the green. " I said. "I didn't know snooker was still on, I thought it had finished, " replied my wife. "It has, " I answered, "I'm watching the council bin man. "

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This Christmas tree I bought is terrible. I haven't seen this many needles on the ground since I walked past Ibrox.

0 comments

An Amazon driver asked me the time...I said it's between 9am and 8pm

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My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?

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Q: What do you get a pregnant teen for Christmas? A: A coat hanger.

0 comments

Had a hearing test yesterday to prove to my family I wasn't going deaf. Of course I sailed through it,but afterwards the Audiologist said something strange to me. She said I should get an earring made.

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Handy Tip. To avoid any confusion with the keys to your house,get a pink one for the front door and a brown one for the back door.

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LET'S OFFEND EVERYONE! I came out of the chip shop with a meat & potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sitting there said “I've not eaten for two days.” I told him, “I wish I had your willpower! I took my biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks and Romanian Gypsies" were not the correct answers. A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time today. She said, “Sorry about the wait.” I said, “Don't worry dear. You might lose it if you stop working in a fast food place." In the forecast! The TV weather girl said, she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, "Fat chance with a face like that!" An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks him, “What's wrong?” The boy says, “My ma is dead”. “Oh bejaysus, " the man says. “Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?” The boy replies, “No thanks, mister. Sex is the last thing on my mind at the moment.” Years ago, it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now muslims, I've found that a bacon sandwich works better! Japanese scientists have developed a camera with a breakneck shutter speed, making it possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth shut. I had a Trivia Competition in the bag until the very last question....which I got wrong. The question was, "Where do women have the curliest hair?" Apparently, the correct answer was Fiji. A woman has a medical at the doctor's. “You are grossly overweight,” he says. “I want a 2nd opinion,” she exclaims. “OK. You're bloody ugly as well.” That should more or less cover everyone !!

0 comments

Dear amazon, Could you please ask your operatives to refrain from verbally abusing me and spitting at me when delivering my parcels. Yours Mr K D Fiddler Rochdale

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Took my girlfriend to meet my parents last night.. The wife wasn't very happy though.

0 comments

This dry January is getting really hard now.

0 comments

How many animals can you fit in a pair of tights? Two calf's, ten piggies, one ass, a beaver and a fish you can never find!

0 comments

If I knew I was going to be this thirsty today, I would've drunk more last night.

1 comment

ITEMS FOR SALE: Garden Gate. No catch. Homeless Man. Still in box. Cheetah. Good runner. Rottweiler. Reluctant to let go. Geese. Pop round for a gander. etc...

0 comments

Father: Listen son, no matter what you hear or read, wanking will not make you go blind... Son: Dad, I'm over here...

0 comments

To all the blokes that got their girlfriends or wives lingerie for Christmas... On behalf of all of her male Instagram followers, cheers, we like it!

0 comments

I just found out that Sir Anthony Hopkins is Welsh. It certainly explains why he wanted those lambs to keep quiet.

0 comments

Got a fetish for old slags? Join Instagran

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I've created a social media site where adult men can lie about their age and and talk to children. Instagroom.

0 comments

Old, but gold. A man and his wife are invited to a fancy dress Christmas party. 🌲 But the wife has a headache and declines. So the man dons his reindeer 🦌 costume, and heads off to the party. About 2 hours later, the wife's headache clears. So she decides to go to the party. She puts on her ☃️ snowman costume and goes to the party. She sees her husband, drunk off his ass, and dancing with 2 young ladies. So she decides to play a trick on him, and tempt him. Now, he has no idea it's his wife behind the snowman costume. But she manages to lure him into a bedroom where they have a wild time. However, she is irate at her husband's infidelity. Afterwards, she returns home, removes her costume and climbs into bed. Around midnight the husband comes home. Wife: did you have a nice time? Husband: it was ok. Wife: are you sure you didn't have a NICE time? Husband: I told you, it was ok. When I got there, I suddenly wasn't in the mood to party as you weren't there. So I went into the garden with Bill and Steve to play poker. Wife: Really? Husband: Yeah. Oh by the way, I lent my reindeer costume to your dad. He told me as I was leaving he'd had a blast.

0 comments

I was hitchhiking and decided to show a little leg to passing vehicles. It wasn't long before a car stopped. "Where's the rest of the baby,?" asked the cop.

0 comments

I made my wife go to a fancy dress party last night as an exhaust pipe. She was fuming.

0 comments

I’ll never forget the first time I saw my wife’s chocolate starfish… That nappy was a mess.

0 comments

The idea that dressing like a slut will get you raped is simply untrue. I tried it last night and I just got the shit kicked out of me.

0 comments

The council told me to take my 12-foot high inflatable light-up animatronic Rudolf out of the garden. I said "Be reasonable, he tried to negotiate peace in 1941."

0 comments

Glad to see Kylie enjoying her number 1 at Christmas, and I'll enjoy a number 3 while thinking about that. Also, not the first time George Michael was in the number 2 slot.

0 comments

What a con. Lollipop men aren't actually made of lollipops if you run one over

1 comment

Say what you like about Vladimir Putin. He's still the best damned Geography teacher of all time.

0 comments

I asked Emily Blunt out on a date. She said "No, fuck off you ugly cunt."

0 comments

Talk about missing a trick. Sarah Cox and Joey Ball both work on Radio 2 The Cox and Balls Show.

0 comments

"You play with that bloody acoustic guitar more than you play with me, " moaned my wife. "Yes, " I replied, "It's better shaped, sounds nicer, and the hole's not as big. "

0 comments

My wife kicked me out last night for being drunk and "out of control." Fucking pathetic allowing women to be bouncers anyway.

0 comments

What’s the difference between a gay man and a refrigerator?
 The fridge doesn’t fart when you pull the meat out.

0 comments

Brother was banging his sister. He says, "You fuck like Mum," She laughs. He says, "What?" She said, "That's what Dad says"

0 comments

Last weekend I took the family to the Lake District. We had a long walk, it rained a little but we had a nice time. We saw a field of sheep and one came right up to the fence and my kids got to pet it while it ate some grass so we took some cute selfies and my wife put them on Instagram. Then we got back to town and I bought us all wool sweaters and we had a nice lamb dinner with mint gravy.

0 comments

Took the family to the circus last night. When we got home I closed my eyes and made love to my wife thinking about the trapeze artist and the way the spotlight shined off that sparkly leotard that clung to every curve of her young, athletic body. Then I opened my eyes and immediately started thinking about the elephants.

1 comment

Adult film actress Bonnie Blue to be deported from Bali. And that, children, is how the ultra plague began and that is why we will all have to live underground for the next 6 generations.

0 comments

I was at a work Christmas party until after midnight. When I got to the bottom of the stairs, I quietly got undressed and started to sneak up. "What the fuck are you doing,?" asked the bus driver.

0 comments

"What's the problem?," asked the doc. "The entrance to my arse is sore," I said. "That's probably because you call it the entrance," he replied.

0 comments

The lady who was interviewing me for a job said, "I've got three openings." "Obviously," I replied, "you're a woman."

0 comments

I got a hand job from a blind woman once. She told me, "This is the biggest dick I've ever come across." I said, "You're pulling my leg."

0 comments

The cops have just left. They said if I want to walk around my house naked, I have to do it inside.

0 comments

For Christmas this year my son wants Transformers and my daughter wants a jigsaw. Luckily I can get them both at B&Q and the parking is free.

0 comments

I often read a joke and think, "What a cunt. That's not funny." Then I press "Submit."

0 comments

Think about how stupid the average person is. Then realise that half the world is even more stupid. (George Carlin)

0 comments

How does a chav turn the light on after sex? Opens the car door.

0 comments

An alien walks into a bar. He's 9 foot tall, bright green, silver suit, 28 tentacles, the whole shebang. Everyone's stunned into silence, however the landlord who's used to keeping his cool says, "Welcome stranger. Would you like a pint of bitter?" "No thank you," says the alien "I'm into Stella."

1 comment

So i've decked the halls as the song suggested. Though Mr & Mrs Hall don't share my joy.

0 comments

Exotic foods: English - Pot Noodle. Cambodian - Pol Pot Noodle. Korean - Dog Noodle. Scottish - Och aye The Noo-dle.

1 comment

All 7 dwarfs were on a bus feeling grumpy. So Grumpy got off.

0 comments

I came home from work and found my girlfriend dressed in a cute little police uniform. She said, “YOU’RE UNDER ARREST ON A CHARGE OF BEING AMAZING IN BED!!!” Two minutes later she had to drop the charges due to lack of evidence.

0 comments

A scouse couple was on their first date, decided to go to a vegan restaurant. Looking at the menu, the man asks; "Eh love do you like avacado?" Women replies: "No, I haven't even passed me driving test"

0 comments

According to my chocolate advent calendar, it's two days until Christmas

0 comments

I rang the paranoia society this morning. The girl at the other end said How did you get this number?

0 comments

I must look really sexy in my new convertible BMW. Loads of other motorists have signalled that they plan on having a wank later.

0 comments

Easily stop your wife from sucking her thumb by drawing a cock on it.

1 comment

My wife found out I’d replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the roof.

0 comments

I thought opening a door for a lady was good manners, but she just screamed and flew out of the plane

1 comment

Funny how when it snows the 'homeless' mysteriously find a bed for the night.

0 comments

The fact that Jesus didn't have a fair trial,called everyone brother and liked gospel were strong indications that he was probably black.

0 comments

I was driving to work when a Lollipop lady cleaned the snow off my windscreen. Although, I think the impact helped a bit.

0 comments

I may not be a gynaecologist, but I know a cunt when I see one.

0 comments

Cows can walk upstairs but not downstairs. As first discovered by the horny farmer when his wife came home early.

0 comments

When doing dry January it's important to find ways to replace alcohol in your life. For example, I've replaced drinking with severe boredom, crippling depression and existential dread.

0 comments

My sister just gave birth but sadly the baby has Down's Syndrome. I told her we should have used a condom.

0 comments

Walking through the park yesterday I saw a boy flailing his arms around and making animal noises. I decided to join him and we both got louder and louder. A woman appeared and said, ' What do you think you are doing? ' ' Playing dinosaurs, ' I replied. ' Fuck off, ' she said, 'he's got Down's Syndrome.'

0 comments

I'm not saying your wife is fat and ugly, but when she stripped off at the nudest beach, the tide went out and didn't come back.

0 comments

I came home to find my wife on her hands and knees. "What's wrong?," I asked. "I've got chest pains," she replied. "You're kneeling on your tits," I said.

0 comments

I drink my coffee like an American cop. Black with a couple of shots in it.

0 comments

What do you call a woman who shits herself wearing a thong? A log splitter.

0 comments

Have you noticed whenever God throws a wobbler he always sends his Earthquakes and Tsunamis to the most poverty ridden disease infected shitholes on the planet. I would be very worried if I lived in Oldham, Burnley or Rochdale.

0 comments

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish everything I start. So far today, I’ve finished a bag of chips, a bottle of gin, and my marriage. I feel lighter already

0 comments

I can't be arsed taking down all the Christmas decorations so I'm thinking of converting my house into a Chinese restaurant.

0 comments

Over Christmas I've been waking up at 7pm, wanking 8 times a day, eating cold beans straight from the can and washing them down with Aldi vodka. So no change there.

0 comments

Little Jimmy who was wheelchair bound fell out when he tried to get over a kerb. Just to his left he saw a lamp on the floor so of course he rubs it, and yes, out pops a genie. "OK, son, " said the genie, "you know the drill you get three wishes." "Wow said Jimmy, I wish I could walk. " Poof, Jimmy can walk. "I wish I played for a famous football club. " Poof.. Jimmy was grown up and in the dressing room at Anfeild where Arne Slot was giving a team talk. "Fucks sake, " said Jimmy, "I wish I was back in my wheelchair. "

0 comments

I often think of my grandfather and his tragic death in Auschwitz. He slipped and fell of a guard tower and broke his neck.

0 comments

Why do Jewish men get circumcised? Jewish woman can't resist anything with 25% off.

0 comments

I haven't had sex for so long it feels as though I'm married again.

0 comments

Police have confirmed that the man who fell from the roof of a nightclub and died was not a Bouncer.

0 comments

My co-worker Mohammed was looking depressed so I asked him what was wrong. "My wife's going through "the change" and to be honest I'm just not finding her attractive any more." "The menopause I asked?" "No, puberty."

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I just found out my elderly neighbour in her 90s was on their own yesterday, so I went over to borrow her spare chairs.

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Chris Rea finally pulled off the ultimate “Driving Home for Christmas” – no sat-nav needed, just a grim reaper in the passenger seat flooring it down the express lane to the afterlife, three days before the big day. The cheeky bastard pancreatic cancer that nicked his entire pancreas, duodenum, gallbladder, and a slab of liver back in 2001 must’ve been fuming it didn’t finish the job then – came crawling back like a bad ex for round two and finally bagged the gravel-voiced legend. This absolute tank of a man survived that Whipple butchery, a massive stroke in 2016 that fucked his arms and speech, type 1 diabetes, peritonitis, popping 34 pills a day like they were fucking Tic Tacs, and seven insulin jabs just to stay vertical… only to peg it right when every supermarket, radio station, and M&S advert is blasting his husky arse warbling about top of the world and thousand memories. Talk about cosmic piss-take – millions driving home to his tune while his family’s booking a hearse with tinsel on the roof. At least up there, no more chemo, no more needles, and the heating’s guaranteed better than a frozen British motorway. Farewell, you indestructible Middlesbrough madman – heaven’s roads to hell just got a proper soundtrack. RIP you glorious, chain-smoking, blues-belting hero

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Ruben Amorim has promised fans of Manchester United that they will be in a major European competition next year...even if he has to write the song himself .

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A man from Dartford has been jailed for 4 years after he beat his partner with a frying pan, leaving her in a coma. If only he'd used a Teflon pan. Then the charges wouldn't have stuck.

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True story. I came back to the UK after spending 30 years in Southern Africa (Zimbabwe, Namibia and SA) My wife looked out the window at the weather today and said, "Bloody hell, it's looking black out there." "Nothing's changed then." I replied.

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"The way to a man's heart is through his stomach." - Fanny Fern "I prefer to go in through the xiphisternum!" - Jeffrey Dahmer

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(A groaner) Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer is being interviewed on a popular chat show. Host: So, Rudolph, do you get along well with the other reindeer? Rudolph: Oh, they're great. We have so much fun together. Except for this one bxtch. She makes my life miserable Host: Really? Care to tell the audience her name? Rudolph: Sure. It's Olive. Host: Olive? Never heard of a reindeer names Olive. We all know Prancer and Dancer, Comet and Vixen... Rudolph: No! It's Olive. She's so nasty they wrote a song about her. Host: Can you sing it? Rudolph: Sure. "Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names...

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What do paedophile hunters from Yorkshire put on their Christmas tree? t'incel

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On the first day of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me... Fifteen dead Jewwwwws A ten year old corpse Nine empty clips Eight uneaten latkes Seven "outraged" politicians Thousands of meaningless vigils Billions of happy Muslims and endless bullshit coverage on the BBC

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Playing the piano is quite difficult. I know that because all the cunts who try to play the free one at the train station are fucking shit at it. Thanks Channel 4.

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We were in Peru and this strange animal mounted my wife from behind and fucked her up the arse. A Llama? No, she really enjoyed it.

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I never wash my clothes or clean my teeth. It may seem disgusting but according to the adverts doing those things will make your skin turn black.

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Why don't Muslims drink alcohol? Because they're already shitfaced.

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What has 8 hairy black legs, 7 eyes and makes women scream?
 Getting gang raped.

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Why do brides wear white?
 So the dishwasher matches the fridge and the oven

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How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
 Trick question – feminists can’t change anything.

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I was in the park and saw a lonely little boy sitting on a swing, so I went over and gave him a push. He still wouldn't get off, so I punched him.

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I called my son's teacher this morning and said, "He won't be coming in today, he's got diarrhea and has just followed through in his pants...and he is very embarrassed" "Fair enough, " he said, "It's going around the school." "Is it?" I asked. "Yes," he laughed, "I'm telling everyone."

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We keep warning faggots about AIDS but they just refuse to pay attention. It's in one rear and out the other.

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My grandfather was a very brave man, he flew a Spitfire against the Germans. Meanwhile my grandmother got spitroasted by the Americans.

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My mum died 10 years ago today. I went on youtube and listened to her funeral song. Bridge Over Troubled Water by Simon and Garfunkel and cried a little. Then the song ended and Youtube went HEY DO YOU NEED A COFFIN? LOOKING FOR A CHEAP FUNERAL? CALL 0800-YOUR-MUMS-DEAD

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The Duchess of Cambridge has been keen to show off her piano skills this Christmas. Much like when the Queen played at Diana's funeral.

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I took the dog for a walk in the park earlier. It was lunchtime and I could hear all the kids at the primary school playing in the playground. Hearing the screams of all those children echoing through the trees... I started having flashbacks to when I was in Vietnam. It was last year, I took the missus. They've got great parks there and the children are really happy. We had a great time and it was a bargain. 8/10 would go again.

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My Muslim son is really clever at school. He's now in the same year as my wife.

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Why do women wear panties with flowers on them? In loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there.

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When I was growing up, there was the Waterboard and the Gas Board. Ideal names for new departments in Immigration

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I was at the currency exchange today waiting in line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for sterling. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat poun of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady relied, "Fluc you white people too!"

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From today ,all under 16's in Australia must use vpn's

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What did the 12 year old Pakistani girl get for her birthday? Pregnant.

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My girlfriend found out that I'm an organ trafficker. "How can you do that?," she screamed, "you don't have a heart." "Actually, I have four," I replied.

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My son has the same colour eyes as my wife. Neither of them have learnt to duck when they piss me off.

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Waiter: "What would sir like to drink?" Guy: "Oh what non alcoholic beers are there?" Waiter: "Would you like crayons and a colouring book with that?"

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A man came into my antique shop earlier today and made an offer for a vase. We haggled for a bit, then he said, "What's the lowest you're prepared to go?" So I showed him photos of me wearing a gimp mask with the wife sh***ing in my mouth.'

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Statistically 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy

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Spare a thought for all the people who will be homeless this Christmas. Prince Andrew for example.

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Just got myself a second hand diver's watch. I'd have had the drowned cunt's scuba tanks too if they weren't so heavy.

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We were watching a film on the telly when all of a sudden the bloke lifts the woman onto the kitchen top and starts to make love to her, "Yeah, right, " said the wife, " as if that happens. " "I totally agree, " I replied, "the only thing that gets fucked in our kitchen is the food. "

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I hate being dyslexic, especially at Christmas. I've had so many punches and slaps because I often get 'Cameltoe' and Mistletoe' mixed up. But you try explaining that to a judge.

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I went to see my wife in hospital and took her flowers. My girlfriend will love them.

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Supergalley, thanks again for setting this up. Ive got a ton of old jokes from the old siki (going back more than 10 years) and I will post em here periodically. Also, i'm a network administrator, not sure if you need one of them but if my skills can help your site then i'm happy to help.

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I was digging a hole in the garden when I found some gold coins. I was about to run and tell my wife, when I remembered why I was digging a hole in the garden…

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While watching "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" in bed, I turned to my wife and asked, "Want to have sex?" Without even glancing my way, she replied, "No." "Is that your final answer?" I asked. "Yes," she said firmly. "Alright," I said, "then I’d like to phone a friend." And that’s when the fight began.

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At her front door she kissed me and whispered in my ear, "Would you like to stay here tonight?" "No," I replied and walked away. Why would I want to stand outside her house all night?

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Q. What goes . . . black white red black white red black white red black white red? A. A nun rolling down a hill with a hatchet in her back. --- Q. What goes . . . black red black red black red black red black red black red black red black red black red black red white? A. A nigger wanking.

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Travelling at 80 mph in my car I hit a man and he went head first through the windscreen. A police officer witnessed it and said to me, " don't worry sir I'll arrest him for breaking and entering."

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Jesy Nelson told her twin babies may 'never walk'. Little Crips?

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I'm proud to say I've never been to bed with an ugly bird. I've woken up with a few though.

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What kind of idiot lights sparklers on champagne bottles then holds them next to the ceiling in a Swiss nightclub? It's completely cuckoo.

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Which singer had a fear of sunlight? Gladys Knight.

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Our managers brought in a motivational speaker to encourage us to do better. He said, ' It's very important to say what you feel.' I said, ' Fuck you! '

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Antonio Banderas O no, an arse bandit

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Turned on CNN this morning and saw video of fireworks across the globe, and people partying in the streets of New York, London, Sydney. I thought to myself: "wow! Is he dead?". Then remembered it was New Year.

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Sex dolls are to be made more realistic for Muslims. They will include a fetus.

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I attended my first Flatulence Anonymous group meeting last week. The Co-ordinator told us that the windows and door must be kept open whilst the meeting is being held.

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It's Saturday night so I was too lazy to cook and had a Rustlers burger. No doubt named after the noise the empty packets make as they blow around council estates.

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Electrical fires are like Jews, best extinguished with gas.

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I knew that I had a drink problem when my piss began to smell of alcohol. I knew that I was an alcoholic when I discovered that it tasted like it too.

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As you all carry on with your Christmas festivities please spare a thought for the people who have to work tomorrow. Those poor footballers.

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The T-shirt was originally called the Tyrannosaurus Shirt. Because of the short arms.

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Why did the Japanese boy drop his ice cream? Because he got hit by a building.

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Guess who won't be driving home this Christmas ?

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As news breaks of canal boats disappearing down a giant sinkhole, the RNLI have said their canal ambulance should be there by Friday

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Fool if you think it's over... It is now!

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After a long day of delivering presents, Santa goes home to Mrs. Claus. He drops his trousers and underwear and says "Come and get it!" Mrs. Claus sighs and says "can you take it back tomorrow and exchange it for a bigger size?"

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Towards the end of the TV marathon, Putin was asked a series of quickfire questions, touching on his views on friendship, religion, the motherland and love at first sight. He said he believed in love at first sight - then added that he himself was in love, without divulging any more details. So there you have it. Putin is in love with Trump.

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Not gonna cry for Gil Gerard coz i know he'll be back.... in about 450 years. RIP u legend

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Election Issues: People say we need more police officers. Sarah Everard's family are like eh...

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William H. Macy is a great actor. Like in Fargo he really had me convinced he was a pathetic swindler.

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My mate phoned me and asked what I was doing. "Probably failing my driving test," I replied.

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China to re-educate Muslim men. "First we'll teach them how to use soap and water, then we'll set about this shit they believe in, " a government spokesman commented.

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I love this time of year,I turn on all my taps,put the washer and dish washer on with nothing in them,run the bath and shower with no plug in,have my hose running into the drain then I wait till the wateraid charity advert comes on so I can piss myself laughing at the dehydrated niggers.

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As I've gotten older, every year I need stranger and weirder porn to jerk off to. This week I'm watching musical parodies but I still couldn't cum. Then I found Shitty Titty Gangbang 💦

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By the end of it, I get really sick of seeing my wife's face light up all over Christmas. Fat cow is always opening in the fridge door.

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Remember - 72.6% of all statistics are made up on spot. The other 33.8% contain some type of basic mathematical error. 51% of the time, it works every time!

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Wolves have got less points than a triangle

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Nine out of ten voices in my head say I'm not crazy. The other one is humming the Tetris theme.

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My wife as looking at an evening dress in an expensive shop, "It's beautiful, isn't it?" she said. "Yes, " I replied, "I wonder if they have it in your shape. "

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me.."I'm trying to get over my addiction to calendar stealing." bob. "How's it going?" me,,"Not bad. I'm taking it one day at a time".

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Statistically 5 out 6 people enjoy Russian roulette.

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When it comes to Christmas cookery shows Delia Smith pisses all over Nigella Lawson. Thanks, AI porn generator.

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Just saw my first Christmas jumper. He leapt off the multi-storey car park.

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A factory which makes prosthetic limbs for overweight people was broken into last night. Police have warned the public not to approach the culprits if they see them as they will be heavily armed.

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So the Government rolling out big time facial recognition cameras....I wouldn't be surprised that in a few years they'll even be including White faces.

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BBC News: King Charles welcomes German president on state visit. He said "Didn't you guys used to have kings too? Oh, now I remember. This chemo really messes with my memory."

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NURSERY RHYMES UPDATED FOR THE 21st CENTURY Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall Humpty Dumpty had a great fall The structure of the wall was incorrect So he won ten grand with Claims Direct. It's raining, it's pouring Of course it’s global warming. Jack and Jill went into town To fetch some chips and sweeties Now he can't keep his heart rate down And she's got diabetes. Georgie Porgie pudding and pie Kissed the girls and made them cry When the boys came out to play He kissed them too coz he was gay. Mary had a little lamb It ran into a pylon 10,000 volts went up it's arse And turned it's wool to nylon.

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I was raised as an only child ...which I think was hard for my sister.

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Today, I asked my phone, “Siri, why am I still single?” and it activated the front camera.

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A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps so the doctor examines her and does some tests. He says, "you're going to have to get used to the idea of long sleepless nights full of crying and changing nappies" "Why? Am I Pregnant?" "No" the doctor replies, you've got bowel cancer.

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People are like sharks. The great ones are white

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thanks for setting up the site Supergalley...i'll be posting some old sicki jokes soon :)

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A bloke shouted across the lake..:"how do I get to the other side"?.. I shouted back....." Your on the other side"!

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I bought the wife a water bed.... We started drafting apart

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Me and my old limbo dancing group decided to have a reunion. We go back a long way.

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I just had a threesome. It was right down and dirty. The two girls ages added together was only 26 years. To be fair, the 20 year old only watched.

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Ten years ago I swore I'd never drink at work again. Haven't touched a job since.

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It wouldn't be Christmas without M&S. No, it would be Chrita.

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At my funeral everyone will be given a taser. Last one standing inherits everything.

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Just discovered that I am a victim of identity theft. Be warned,there are now two irritating cunts out there!

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I am defo not going to Minnesota to do the ICE bullet challenge!

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I was mugged last night by a boy with a knife. The police think he was local as the knife still had butter on it.

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I was playing in the park with my daughter when a kid ran up to me and slapped me round the face with a slice of cheese.. I said how dairy

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I've ate so much food over Christmas that i had to phone a midwife tonight to help me go to the toilet.

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Woman in her 80s murdered in Devizes. ...did she have melons of two different sizes?

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Now that all the Christmas presents are unwrapped it's time for the next tradition of the day: Putting them on eBay.

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Travelling at speed in my car I hit a Paki and he went flying through the windscreen head first. A local police officer witnessed it and said to me "don't worry sir I'll arrest him for breaking and entering."

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Went to the Christmas party with an ugly sweater. aka my girlfriend.

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I've just moved to a new neighbourhood so I've been to every single house in a half a mile radius to sing all of them some jolly Christmas carols. I figured it softens the blow since it's mandatory for me to tell them all that I am sex offender. (one of wasp's believe it or not)

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What’s the difference between a proctologist and a HGV driver? A proctologist only has to deal with one arsehole at a time!

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Naveed Akram is innocent until proven guilty. However I think it will be a Kangaroo court.

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I was in a train carriage when a Muslim opened his jacket and showed his suicide vest, "Allau Akbar," he shouted. "Hang on a moment son, " I said to him,"you really don't want to do this. Do you see this hairy fat spotty greasy smelly girl stood next to me?" "Yes, " he said, "so what?" "This is my daughter," I replied, "and she's a virgin. "

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"My body is like a temple, " said my sister. "Are you sure you don't mean a Mosque with the amount of Muslims you've had in it?" I replied.

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Bondie Beach

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If Russia was to invade Turkey from the rear... Would Greece help?

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"Taylor Swift reveals moment she broke down over Southport attack in new documentary." Oh that poor millionaire. Dry your eyes with some $100 notes etc.

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I came home from work to find my daughter crying her eyes out. That bastard of a boyfriend had finished with her again. I totally lost it and went looking for him, the twat ran like hell when he saw me. It took three teachers and two dinner ladies to get me off him.

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Maccabi Tel Aviv have announced that they have signed Tommy Robinson. He'll be on the right wing and has promised loads of crosses

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Last year I bought my 5-year old nephew a jigsaw for Christmas. Terrible idea as it turns out, 10 minutes after he'd opened it he'd sawed off 2 of his fingers!

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After getting detained in Israel this year, surely Greta Thunberg deserves a lump of coal in her stocking this Christmas.

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I just finished watching "100 Greatest Sexy Moments" on Channel 4, what a load of rubbish! How did the greenhouse scene from Scum not make the list?

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An alien from the planet Zarg walks into a small country pub. "I'll have a pint please," he says with a smile. The barman says, "We don't serve aliens in here." "If you serve me," replies the alien, "I'll buy everyone in here a pint." "Sorry mate, can't do it. It's against the brewery's policy," replies the barman. "What about if you invite the whole town for drinks, make it a free bar, and I foot the bill at the end of the night?" The pound signs light up in the barmans eyes: "Ok, you're on." By the end of the night, everyone, including the alien, is pissed. The barman says, "That'll be seven grand please mate!" The alien pulls his wallet out and says, "Have you got change for a Zonk?"

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A man is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock at the front door. He opens it to find two sheriff’s deputies there. He asks if there is a problem. One of the deputies asks if he is married. The man replies, “Yes, I am.” The deputy then asks if he could see a picture of the man’s wife. The guy says, “Sure…” and gets a photo to show them. The deputy says, “I’m sorry, sir. But it looks like your wife’s been hit by a truck.” The guy replies, “I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook.”

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Girls with a leg amputated are the most likely to cheat on you. They'll hop on anybody.

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Labour MPs …because not all gimps wear a mask

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My wife Ruth just left me after 27 years of marriage. people said it was because I was too caring, but now I'm Ruthless

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Last christmas eve I left the pub early, thought I should get home early while its christmas. Anyway, I found the missus sprawled out on the bed in a sexy santa outfit, gripping her left tit and moaning, just then the wardrobe door opened and Harry my next door neighbour came out with just a santa hat on and a white beard. I shouted Harry FFS, the wifes having an heart attack here and your trying to frighten her...sheesh!

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You're old if you remember seeing this as the top Joke for many years.... Statistically 9 out 10 people enjoy gang rape.

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Every year for Christmas my grandma buys me big black vibrating anal toys. Well, actually she gives me Amazon vouchers but that's what I spend them on.

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Statistics suggest that 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape! (Let's get some of the old classics posted back up).

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I'm glad to see King Charles hosting a state visit with Germany's president. Cheers, big ears!

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During the cold weather the fire service have advised not to plug electric heaters into extension leads as it may cause a fire. Fucking idiots. Fire obviously makes your house warmer.

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What's the difference between an egg and a wank? You can beat an egg, but you can't.................................

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I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He later told me it was the most violent book he’d ever read.

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What’s the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Ferrari? I don’t have a Ferrari in my garage.

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A reporter asked a bomb disposal expert, "How stressful is your job?" "It's not," he replied, "either I'm right or suddenly it's not my problem."

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St. Peter's standing at the Pearly Gates, and he spies a little brown face coming up the escalator. A little Pakistani wanders up to him and says 'Good Morning please, be wanting to come into heaven thankyou' 'Look mate', says St. Peter 'It doesn't work that way, you're a muslim, aren't you' 'Yes, being a good muslim thankyou' 'No mate, look I'm sorry. You just can't come in, you're off down there' 'I am GOOD muslim. Wanting to be coming in please' 'You can't be a good muslim, how?' 'But AM GOOD muslim. I am even giving things to charity all the time' St. Peter sighs. 'Like what?' The Pakistani stands up proudly. 'Only last week, I am giving twenty pounds to the children in need' St. Peter considers this for a second and finally resigns himself to the fact that this chap deserves a bit of his time. 'Right, fine, okay" he sighs, "You win. I'll go and have a word with God, wait here' So off he trots wearily through the Pearly Gates, and returns a couple of hours later. He walks back up to the Pakistani and says 'Right, I've had a chat with God about you and it's all sorted.' 'Here's your twenty quid back, now Fuck Off'.

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It is just another working day at the brothel. The punters are coming, the cash is coming, and the girls are faking it. Suddenly the door opens, and a figure steps through the threshold, silhouetted against the backdrop of the red lights. It is a boy, a young boy, about nine. In his hand is a length of string, reaching all the way to the floor, where it is fastened around the neck of what looks like a dead frog. The figure picks the frog up, strides up to the counter, and places the amphibian onto it, exclaiming, “I want a bitch with herpes.” Behind the counter, the sexmonger is flabbergasted. “I’m sorry, what did you say?” “I said ‘I want a bitch with herpes’” says the child. “Well I’m afraid we don’t have any ladies that fit that description” replies the Madam. “I want a bitch with herpes, and I am going to have a bitch with herpes” says the boy, putting £1000 on the counter, next to the frog. The Madam thinks about this for a while and decides that the reputation of her house of ill-repute is definitely worth £1000. She sends for one of her many shingle infected sluts. The boy follows the genitally deformed working girl to her room, trailing his frog behind him. After an hour of quite bizarre shenanigans the kid returns to the counter, frog in tow, to thank the Madam. She takes this opportunity to ask the question that had been puzzling her for the entire previous hour, “Why did you want a whore with herpes?” “Well,” explains the boy “My parents are going out tonight. In the evening I’m going to fuck my babysitter. When my dad drives her back home, he’s going to fuck her. Then he’s going home to fuck Mum. In the morning she’s going to fuck the milkman. He’s going to fuck his wife, she’s going to fuck her boss, he’s going to fuck his wife - my English teacher, she’s going to fuck my headmaster and HE’S THE CUNT WHO KILLED MY FROG!”

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"How bad is it doc?," I asked. "Well," he replied, "all you have to do is stop drinking and do some exercise." "So it's terminal then," I sighed.

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Another year I’ve managed to avoid watching the Bore-O-Vision Nonce Contest. Who won? I did

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Why can’t you play Uno with Mexicans?
 They steal all the green cards.

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I'm sure my cat's a communist. Keeps going round the house saying "Mao"

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So it's the cold shoulder from Iceland, the Dutch flatly refuse, the Irish say not on your Nelly and the Spanish archer (el-bow) from Spain. Thank fuck Eurovision won't be on as long. Can't think of a Slovenian one

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After catching a cold I went to see my doctor. He said I should spend most of the day in bed, drink a lot and not do any exercise. I've followed his advice but I'm still feeling a bit poorly so I think I should go see him again. After all, its been 10 years.

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While many complain about life in general and the cost of living, etc. I'm having a great time of it at the moment. I'm sitting on a sofa that costs £3,500, lovely and cool in front of an air-con unit costing £2,300, watching the latest film on a 70" smart TV that costs £4,000. Right now, I'm so happy, with no worries, and am in such a great place that even the staff at Harrods, who keep asking me to leave, can't spoil my day.

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If your wife's mother just died, how long should you console her for? It's just that my chips are getting cold.

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Just went to the off-licence and the guy behind the counter wished me a Merry Christmas. Like he's not going to see me 15 more times before then.

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Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook. Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry. Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with herself. The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built, Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt. When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer. With a fat little driver, half out of his sled, A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head. Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite. And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right. Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz, Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts. Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree, Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee. They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub, Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub. And then from the roof we heard such a clatter, As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder. I was donning my jacket to cover my ass, When down the chimney Santa came with a crash. His suit was all smelly with perfume galore, He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore. "That was some brothel," he said with a smile, "The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay here awhile. He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink, Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink. I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee, The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee. Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack, But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed. The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, The next was a handgun with a penis that spits. A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find, And a six pair of panties, the edible kind. A bra without nipples, a penis extension, And several other things that I shouldn't even mention. A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil, A dildo so long, it lay in a coil. "This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit, So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split." He filled every stocking and then took his leave, With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve. He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead, Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead. In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch, Saying, "Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a bitch!" The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout, "The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!"

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I'm just a sensitive lover unlearning trauma. A S.L.U.T. if you will.

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If you think I would joke about Alzheimer’s, forget it.

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How can you tell if its your turn to do the washing up? Look down your trousers and if you've got a dick it isn't your turn.

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How do you get a gay man to shag your girlfriend? Shit in her cunt.

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An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the streets and bars of Dublin one unemployed afternoon. Walking down Dawson Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'. 'Fucking get in there you cunt!' he says to himself and goes to the bar. 'Get the fucking manager of this pigs shit middle class wank hole please you c*nt', he says to a somewhat startled barman. The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says. 'Yes you can you fat piece of shit, I saw your poxy advert in the cunting window and I'm here to audition.....wanker.' The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, 'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?' 'That song, you big nosed twat, was called "Excuse me prime minister but I just jizzed in your daughter's eye, and now the cunt's blind...' 'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little less "lively".' 'Wanker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops asks him the title. 'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the shit-box you get crap on your bell end.' 'I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?' 'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your ringpiece", or there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got nice jugs". 'Look' says the manager interrupting, 'I think you're a superb pianist but the title of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.' 'Fuck it' says the pianist 'Why not'. On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty. The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage. During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act. After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him. 'Hi' she says. 'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives. She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your cock is hanging out of your trousers and spunk is dribbling onto your shoes?' 'Know it?' says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently, 'I fucking wrote it !!!'

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The wife asked me what I had bought her mother for her birthday. I told her I’d made her a booby trapped flashbang grenade. The wife said that she would hate it, but you should have seen her face light up when she opened it!

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What do you get if you cross Star Trek with a gay porno? Star Trek Discovery

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I’m not saying Katie Price is a slapper, but she only wears knickers to keep her ankles warm

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Of course the real Joker is the guy that released Folie et deux as a sequel to a movie worth actually watching

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Coming up: the Tory party leadership contest. Conservative members get their chance to pick who will lead them to defeat against Nigel Farage in 2029.

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Parcel force tried to deliver me a coffin today. I said, "That's the last thing I need"

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A woman has been shot dead in a pub in Wallasey, Merseyside. The coroner has recorded a verdict of ‘natural causes’ due to the area she died in.

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It’s no wonder sir Queer Stoma thinks he’s almighty. Whenever anyone sees him coming towards them, they cover their eyes and say out loud, “Oh God!!!”

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Constipation isn’t my favourite health condition. But it’s definitely a solid number two.

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If going into space for 3 minutes makes you an astronaut, then I'm a gynaecologist

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I just saved money on my car insurance by switching to reverse gear and getting the fuck out of there before they got my number plate.

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One Saturday, I got up early to go fishing but heavy rain and wind forced me to cancel. I quietly undressed and slipped back into bed, cuddling up to my wife. "Terrible weather out there," I whispered. Without turning around she replied, "Can you believe my idiot husband went out fishing in this?"

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Not long til Oscar Pistoreus will be returning to the Paralympics. Did anyone see how Reeva Steenkamp did in the Paranormalympics this year?

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The BBC have just held a minutes’ silence for all the people who have died of Coronavirus. Not quite as emotional as the 40 years of silence they had for victims of child sexual abuse by their staff

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Statistically- nine out of ten people enjoy gang rape

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Mi go ti da Butcher Man ask me, “You wan Beef?” Socked di bomboclaat reet there in then Battyman

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So the slaggy girl on my street will be able to be as well off as a working couple earning £70,000 a year from next April but somehow I'm the one in the wrong for telling everyone she's in the confectionary business. Well, technically I may have used the terms 'jelly-belly-babies' and 'niggerish allsorts' but let's not split hairs here.

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Why copy sickipedia, dude? You copycat. Create something original

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