I came up behind my wife and started squeezing her tits, hoping to get lucky. But I didn't find any lumps.

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I've often wondered what it'd be like to be a fly on the wall in Finsbury Park Mosque. Crowded, I'd imagine.

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We call my grandad "Spiderman" he hasn't got any special powers, he just can't get out of the bath.

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There was a kid in my year at high school who got picked on all the time because he had Brittle Bone Disease. I'll never forget the day he finally snapped.

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I was having a lovely sleep earlier until some inconsiderate cunt decided to bounce off my windscreen

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My grief counselor died last week. She was that good at her job, I didn't give a fuck

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As we were undressing in the hotel room the prostitute said to me; 'Just so you know from the start, I don't do anal. Not for extra money, not for anything.' I replied, 'You know what? You're the worst fucking rent boy I've ever picked up.'

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I'm old enough to remember the good old days, when you could still find porn mags in bushes. And bushes in porn mags.

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My mate Dave and I were hiking through the jungle in Cambodia. Suddenly I saw a metallic disc on the ground. I bent down to pick it up, and Dave shouts "stop!!! That's a mine!!!" I replied "hell no!! Finders keepers!! And why you suddenly speaking like an Italian??"

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I was standing at the bus stop, just finishing my cigarette, when the bus suddenly left without me. "Cunt!" I shouted. I could've sworn I put the handbrake on.

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On holiday last week, you could hear the 2 fit lesbians next door having sex every night. It wasn't easy though. You had to turn the telly right down and un-plug the fridge. My favourite joke I ever saw on Sicki Don't know who posted it but hats off

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How do you make a black man nervous? Take him to an auction.

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It's no surprise the Williams sisters were so successful at tennis. Black people have centuries of experience serving. And appearing at the courts, for that matter.

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My local authority have plans to build a sewage farm near me. It won't be popular but will bring a lot of jobs to the area.

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'Teen rapists spared jail due to intellectual limitations' Turns out the judge was a retard.

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If my wife didn't sleep with her mouth open I wouldn't get any sex at all.

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I've always stood up for black people. It's not worth getting stabbed over a seat

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A lass I know posted on Facebook; 'My toddler nearly made it under the garden fence today! Lol, wood and nails will be out first thing tomorrow!' Bloody hell, crucifixion's a bit harsh.

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Most of the rock legends of the 60s and 70s died young because of their utterly reckless behaviour. Jim Morrison used to snort huge amounts of cocaine. Keith Moon washed down his anti-alcoholism pills with champagne. And Marc Bolan let his missus drive.

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The most popular final meal on death row is fried chicken. Not very surprising really.

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My sister held one of those 'gender reveal' parties when she was pregnant. She popped the balloons, and the glitter was pink. In hindsight she should've gone with blue, as her daughter was stillborn.

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I hear McDonald's has branches in Africa now. The customers must prefer them to tables and chairs.

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I've been watching a lot of "reality" porn lately. You know, where the couple go to bed and nothing happens.

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I painted my motor home pink, gave the headlights eyelashes and fitted net curtains. It's now a camper van. No, you fuck off.

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I've invented a magic beam that you can aim at any woman's head and it instantly enables you to have sex with them. Although it's technically more of a plank.

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I saw a guy wanking in front of a butchers shop... turns out he was a Welsh necrophiliac

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I got fired from the advertising agency for proposing a new KFC slogan: The taste so savoury you'll forget about slavery!

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I sat near some Chavs on the bus home today. For the whole journey it was just 'F this' and 'F that'. Guess they had to discuss their exam results sometime.

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When people say "he's alright once you get to know him" it actually means "he's a cunt, but you'll get used to it"

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The wife and I was going through a really bad time and we made the decision together to kill ourselves. She went first then all of a sudden I felt much better.

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Breaking news: three cliff walkers fall to their death in lake district. What are the chances? they all had the same name!

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Plastic surgery used to be taboo. Now when you mention Botox nobody raises an eyebrow.

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Always remember when we went to see Evel Knieval's brother Klu Klux Knieval. He ran over 52 niggers with a steam roller.

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I'm so glad the world cup is on. I can hang my England flag without being accused of being a fucking racist.

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I took a girl back to my house for sex last night. After going upstairs, I slowly removed my clothes and climbed under the quilt. "You'll have to be really quiet," I whispered, "My mum & dad are asleep." "I can see that," she said, "Have you not got your own bed?"

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When I'm driving my ice cream van around the streets, my biggest fear is that one day the real ice cream van will turn up at the same time.

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Spiders are like girls. I only feel all right about touching the little ones.

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I fell asleep with my phone under my pillow. The next morning my phone was gone and there was a pound coin in its place. Fucking Bluetooth fairy!

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A foreign bloke is waiting in the immigration queue to get into Britain when a policeman approaches. "Please come with me, sir," he says. "But why?" the man protests. "We have received a tip-off that you are a violent schizophrenic who has links to several terrorist organizations and an outstanding warrant for rape." "So I am under arrest then?" he asks. "No, sir. You qualify for the fast-track queue."

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I'd never say that my sister's baby is ugly or anything... ...but let's just say I'd feel safe leaving her in a Portuguese hotel room while I went out for tapas.

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Sick of having your house burgled by niggers? Save money on home security by simply writing the words "Job Centre" on your door

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I asked my wife if I could fuck her up the arse. She said "why the hell would I let you do that?" I said "well, you take everything else the wrong way"

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A 15-year-old girl who got into difficulty swimming in the sea at a beach has died. She was described as "a bubbly person".

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There are 27 bones in your hand. 28 when you're feeling lonely.

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What's the the best thing about shagging a fat bird? You're guaranteed a cracking breakfast in the morning.

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If you don't believe in human perseverance you clearly haven't seen a smoker trying to use a broken lighter

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Everyone on earth is racist. Us whites are just better at it, like we are at most things.

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Whenever I see my wife and her sister together... I wonder where Cinderella is.

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What is the difference between a pair of Levi jeans and an Ethiopian woman? There is only one fly in the crotch on a pair of Levi's.

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I really hope England wins. Not the World Cup, I mean us versus the Muslims.

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