I came up behind my wife and started squeezing her tits, hoping to get lucky. But I didn't find any lumps.

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I'm old enough to remember the good old days, when you could still find porn mags in bushes. And bushes in porn mags.

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We call my grandad "Spiderman" he hasn't got any special powers, he just can't get out of the bath.

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I've often wondered what it'd be like to be a fly on the wall in Finsbury Park Mosque. Crowded, I'd imagine.

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And in animal news, a little boy has learned to be careful what he wishes for after asking if he could feed the crocodiles at the zoo.

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My mate Dave and I were hiking through the jungle in Cambodia. Suddenly I saw a metallic disc on the ground. I bent down to pick it up, and Dave shouts "stop!!! That's a mine!!!" I replied "hell no!! Finders keepers!! And why you suddenly speaking like an Italian??"

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I was standing at the bus stop, just finishing my cigarette, when the bus suddenly left without me. "Cunt!" I shouted. I could've sworn I put the handbrake on.

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There was a kid in my year at high school who got picked on all the time because he had Brittle Bone Disease. I'll never forget the day he finally snapped.

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I was having a lovely sleep earlier until some inconsiderate cunt decided to bounce off my windscreen

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I had a phone call from my son's headmaster. "I'm afraid to tell you that a group of Asian lads ganged up on Michael and stuck his head down the toilet." "Little bastards. Is he OK now?" "Unfortunately not. They cut it off first."

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I was playing pool in the pub last night. As I leaned in to take a shot my buddy said, 'Watch the black, mate!' I replied, 'Why, is he near my jacket again?'

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My grief counselor died last week. She was that good at her job, I didn't give a fuck

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How do you make a black man nervous? Take him to an auction.

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As we were undressing in the hotel room the prostitute said to me; 'Just so you know from the start, I don't do anal. Not for extra money, not for anything.' I replied, 'You know what? You're the worst fucking rent boy I've ever picked up.'

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My local authority have plans to build a sewage farm near me. It won't be popular but will bring a lot of jobs to the area.

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'Teen rapists spared jail due to intellectual limitations' Turns out the judge was a retard.

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If my wife didn't sleep with her mouth open I wouldn't get any sex at all.

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'Cabinet turns on Starmer' Is there anything that doesn't give him a boner?

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It's no surprise the Williams sisters were so successful at tennis. Black people have centuries of experience serving. And appearing at the courts, for that matter.

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I've always stood up for black people. It's not worth getting stabbed over a seat

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I saw a middle-aged man in a terrible wig and shouted "Oi, what do you identify as faggot?" As it turns out, it was a really bad start to my trial!

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Being kissed in your sleep is the purest form of love unless you're home alone or in prison.

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A lass I know posted on Facebook; 'My toddler nearly made it under the garden fence today! Lol, wood and nails will be out first thing tomorrow!' Bloody hell, crucifixion's a bit harsh.

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Most of the rock legends of the 60s and 70s died young because of their utterly reckless behaviour. Jim Morrison used to snort huge amounts of cocaine. Keith Moon washed down his anti-alcoholism pills with champagne. And Marc Bolan let his missus drive.

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The most popular final meal on death row is fried chicken. Not very surprising really.

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My sister held one of those 'gender reveal' parties when she was pregnant. She popped the balloons, and the glitter was pink. In hindsight she should've gone with blue, as her daughter was stillborn.

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I hear McDonald's has branches in Africa now. The customers must prefer them to tables and chairs.

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I've been watching a lot of "reality" porn lately. You know, where the couple go to bed and nothing happens.

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I painted my motor home pink, gave the headlights eyelashes and fitted net curtains. It's now a camper van. No, you fuck off.

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Confusion over events involving a boy and a crocodile in Huntingdon. Things weren't helped by a dog stealing his sausages while onlookers shouted "that's the way to do it."

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Gary Glitter likes having sex with underage girls, doesn't like having his picture in the papers, and is always insisting that everyone join his gang. Is it just me, or does anyone else think he might be the reincarnation of the Prophet Mohammed?

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Always remember when we went to see Evel Knieval's brother Klu Klux Knieval. He ran over 52 niggers with a steam roller.

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I got fired from the advertising agency for proposing a new KFC slogan: The taste so savoury you'll forget about slavery!

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Spiders are like girls. I only feel all right about touching the little ones.

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I sat near some Chavs on the bus home today. For the whole journey it was just 'F this' and 'F that'. Guess they had to discuss their exam results sometime.

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When people say "he's alright once you get to know him" it actually means "he's a cunt, but you'll get used to it"

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The wife and I was going through a really bad time and we made the decision together to kill ourselves. She went first then all of a sudden I felt much better.

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Breaking news: three cliff walkers fall to their death in lake district. What are the chances? they all had the same name!

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Apologies, this isn't a joke. I've just jumped ship from you know where and to my absolute joy, there ARE funny people still out there. Thank you, I hope you inspire me.

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You wouldn't believe how much my boss moans about me using my phone at work. I mean, honestly, it's not like it affects my ability to do my job. With all the technology these days the train practically drives i

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Jamie Varley sentenced to whole life term for raping and murdering infant boy he adopted with his partner John McGowan-Fazakerley who was sentenced to 25 years. In other news: Happy Pride Month!

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My three favourite things are eating out my friends and not using commas.

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Had this dream I was shagging Karen carpenter and Lena zavaroni. Two birds one stone.

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News: Brazilian woman without a safety cord attached falls 130ft to her death in bungle jump.

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Been watching Portugal playing Congo, and I'm sorely disappointed. Didn't see a single one of them drinking UmBongo.

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I'm so glad the world cup is on. I can hang my England flag without being accused of being a fucking racist.

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I took a girl back to my house for sex last night. After going upstairs, I slowly removed my clothes and climbed under the quilt. "You'll have to be really quiet," I whispered, "My mum & dad are asleep." "I can see that," she said, "Have you not got your own bed?"

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When I'm driving my ice cream van around the streets, my biggest fear is that one day the real ice cream van will turn up at the same time.

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I fell asleep with my phone under my pillow. The next morning my phone was gone and there was a pound coin in its place. Fucking Bluetooth fairy!

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A foreign bloke is waiting in the immigration queue to get into Britain when a policeman approaches. "Please come with me, sir," he says. "But why?" the man protests. "We have received a tip-off that you are a violent schizophrenic who has links to several terrorist organizations and an outstanding warrant for rape." "So I am under arrest then?" he asks. "No, sir. You qualify for the fast-track queue."

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