I was showing my kids how to skim stones over water today but what a bunch of miserable bastards they are in the local swimming pool.

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What's the difference between a military base and a school? Don't ask me, I only fly the drone.

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Walking around Liverpool with my missus she said to me, "What are all these bits of chocolate bars that are left everywhere? I've seen loads, " "They're Mars bars, " I replied, "it's the bit that helps you work. "

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I asked my Greek girlfriend if I could try it in the 'other hole'. "No,"she replied, "I don't want to get pregnant."

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I sleep better when I'm naked. I just wish the passengers on this flight were a bit more understanding.

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Don't get one of those rescue cats. My gran had one, she fell, and the cat just literally sat there and did nothing.

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As my wife lay in the coma the doctors approached the life support machine. "No, no, please," I sobbed, "just a little while longer. ' But my pleading didn't help. They woke her up.

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Sadly my obese parrot has died from over eating . At least it's a huge weight off my shoulders .

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A man phones his wife late at night. ' Where the fuck are you? ' the wife screams. ' I'm in hospital and I'm lucky to be alive.When I left work I collapsed in the car park.Fortunately,Tina was there and she carried out CPR until the ambulance came.The doctor told me I had a massive heart attack.' says the man ' Who's Tina, ' asks the wife.

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I do an evening of stand up comedy and jokes for the patients at our local Hospice every six weeks. It always goes down very well. The good news is that I never need to change my act.

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I recently discovered that a man has been sending my wife sexy lingerie in the post. All I'll say is this: Watch your back, John Lewis. Watch your fucking back.

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Many years ago,the Spanish discovered a new country and they called it Argentina, which means ' land of silver '. Then they discovered Nigeria.

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A famous artist who had brown fingers. Picasso.

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Paedophiles are nasty, irritating bastards.But,to be fair,you will never see them speeding near schools or nurseries.

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I went to the dentist today and he said I should have a crown. I thought, At last! Someone who really understands me.

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My phone rang unexpectedly. ' Hello, this is Mr Richardson here, your son's music teacher. ' ' Hi,how can I help you? ' I asked. ' I think we have another Elvis on our hands, ' Mr Richardson said. ' Really! I didn't realise he was so talented, ' I replied. ' He isn't.We found him dead in the toilet when he went for a shit, ' Mr Richardson said.

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I broke up with my girlfriend when she confessed that she used to walk the streets and fuck random people. I could never date a traffic warden.

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A solicitor calls his wealthy art collector client and says, "Sir Ian, I have some good news, and I have some bad news." The client replied, "I've had an tough day. Give me the good news first!" The lawyer said, "Well, I met with Lady Pamela today, and she informed me that she just invested £50,000 in some pictures that she thinks will soon be worth about £50 million, I've looked at them and I think she could be right." Sir Ian replied enthusiastically, "Wow, that's incredible, my wife is a shrewd investor and I never even knew it, you've just made my day! Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?" The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and some rent boys in a motel."

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Just received my Valentine's card off Moonpig. She hates it when i call her that.

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I saw some black guys spray painting their names on a wall and decided to join them. I'd only done the first three letters of my name when they started beating the shit out of me. I guess they don't like people called Nigel.

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I went into an Ethiopian gift shop, "Have you got an I am four birthday card please?" I asked. "Sorry, " said the shopkeeper, "we've never needed them. "

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"Who's a pretty boy then,?" I said, as I pushed a dry cracker through the bars of the cage. "I want my mummy," he sobbed.

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I was so hungover this morning I just stood in the shower for nearly an hour. Then I turned it on.

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A black man picks up a white woman in a nightclub. When they get home the woman says, ' Come on then,show me what they say about black men is true.' So he stabbed her and stole her purse.

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Irony...The assisted dying bill has run out of time

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I always feel so proud when I tell people that some of my father's work is currently on display at the Tate Gallery in London. He painted all the skirting boards there.

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I was parked in a disabled zone, when a traffic warden knocked on my window. "What's your disability then?," he asked. "Tourettes," I replied, "Now fuck off, you cunt."

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My brother said, "I've just seen your girlfriends number written on a toilet wall. " "So fucking what, " I replied, "how do you think I met her. "

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I found a lump underneath my wife's breast. Nothing to worry about, it was just her kneecap.

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Apparently " Harder" is not a good choice of safe-word

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My missus was moaning and said I should try walking a mile in her shoes. Pfftt, stupid cow, she obviously has no Idea what I get up to when she fucks off to bingo.

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The Flintstones cartoon has been syndicated to parts of the middle East. Apparently the people of Dubai don't like it. But the people of Abu Dhabi do!

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They say that one out of every four people has the potential to be a serial killer. So I killed three of my closest friends. I should be safe now.

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I went to visit my wife in hospital and took her flowers. My girlfriend will love them.

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I went for a job with the RSPB. The interviewer asked me what could I tell them about Barn Swallows. Didn't he invent the Bouncing Bomb?

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I was playing loud music on the stereo yesterday morning, my neighbours loved it! They were banging on the walls requesting "Sunday Bloody Sunday" and Eminem's "Kill You". Nod to Gungho_ED.

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Q: How do you stop a paki from choking? A: No one knows because no one has ever tried.

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I'm not saying I'm a hard bastard... but my birth mark is shaped like a coat hanger.

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There's a big orange rabbit walking round our village telling everyone that I'm not taking my medication.

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I saw a black man with seven fingers today. Turns out he was eating a Kit-Kat.

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Me: "Go fuck yourself, you cunt." Lady in the queue: "Excuse me, my 10 year old son can hear you." Me: "That's who I was talking to."

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What is the national bird of Iran? A US drone

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Bought some fish for our garden pond last week but we hardly ever see them. Apparently they are Coy Carp.

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I was in a train carriage when a Muslim opened his jacket and showed his suicide vest, "Allau Akbar," he shouted. "Hang on a moment son, " I said to him,"you really don't want to do this. Do you see this hairy fat spotty greasy smelly girl stood next to me?" "Yes, " he said, "so what?" "This is my daughter," I replied, "and she's a virgin. "

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Paedophiles and clocks. They both don't go past twelve.

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I know a blonde girl who's not that attractive but after I get drunk she looks gorgeous. I've nicknamed her Guinness Paltrow.

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A husband says to his wife, "My Olympic condoms have arrived. I think I will wear gold tonight." The wife responds, "Why don't you wear silver, and come 'second' for a change?"

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My wife asked why our three year old son was crying. "He kicked me in the balls," I said. "He's only young, he doesn't understand that it hurts." "He fucking does now," I replied.

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The Royal Family is devastated after Prince Andrew's car crash next Wednesday.

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I just watched an Australian cooking show and the audience cheered when the chef made meringue. I was surprised...usually Australians boo meringue.

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