London has such a caring community. I've just seen a group of homeless people giving each other the flu vaccine under a bridge.

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The Paki bloke at work showed me his tattoo. "Isn't that one of those that wash off,?" I asked. "I don't know," he replied.

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You know it was a good Christmas party when your P45 arrives at your house before you do.

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My 4 year old daughter came into my bedroom and said, "Daddy, I'm scared. Can I sleep in your bed?" "No," I replied, "I'm not having that fucking monster follow you into my room."

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Jake Paul felt like he was hit by a truck Anthony Joshua.... hold my beer!

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' Why does everyone think that Chinese people look the same,father? ' said the small Chinese boy. ' I don't know, ' replied the man, ' and by the way,I am not your father. '

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I always sweat a lot when I have sex. Probably due to the wool in my balaclava.

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I like my steaks rare. Tonight I'm having panda.

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Did you know... Black men's semen is more nutritious than white men's? It contains more calories. I have no scientific proof. It's just that their girlfriends are always fat cocksucking whores.

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I've been paying the Cat's Protection League every month for over three years. I only missed two payments and they came around and broke my cat's legs.

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Minnesotta general warning..... "Watch out for Ice when driving"

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The doctor told me I should take up something that gets me out of the pub. So I've started smoking.

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I had only been seeing my girlfriend for two weeks when she was killed in a car crash. The first time I met her parents was at the funeral.What a pair of miserable bastards they were.

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What's the best thing about dating a homeless girl? You can drop her off anywhere.

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I walked into the pub and shouted, "All Muslims are cunts." A bloke stood up and said, "I'm offended by that." "Are you a Muslim,?" I asked. "No," he replied, "I'm a cunt."

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What has 3 doors that will never be opened? Chris Rea's advent calender.

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I went to a meeting of the "I Feel I'm Being Stalked" support group. I knew everybody there... but they didn't know me.

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I just read that the chap who drove into the crowd in Liverpool has been sentenced to 21 years…which ironically is how long the scousers will keep on about it

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Our mum died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to "be positive" but it’s really hard without her.

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This vegan shit has now got out of hand. They're selling plant based alternatives to vapes. They are calling them cigarettes.

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When I was in high school there was a girl in my class called Bernie. Her full name wasn't Bernadette or Bernice, it was Susan. She just had 3rd degree burns all over her face.

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Some people say I'm a bigot but at least I'll admit there are 37 genders. Male, female and 35 kinds of faggot.

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"Do you think I'm sexy with lingerie on or completely naked?," asked my wife. "No," I replied.

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I went to visit my Jewish neighbour yesterday, and found him stripping the wallpaper off the walls. I said "Doing a bit of renovating are you?" He said "No, we're moving house."

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When my grandad was in Auschwitz, he managed to secretly smuggle things out to my nan who he missed dearly. It was just small things, mainly gold fillings and coins.

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So I'm decluttering my house using that one simple rule - if you haven't used it in the last year, get rid of it. First item: fire extinguisher.

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At this time of year, spare a thought for those who struggle to put food on the table. Midgets?

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I used to have a nice house and a nice car until my mate introduced me to drugs. Now I have a yacht and a Caribbean island.

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I was doing some home renovations and, when I knocked through my bedroom wall, I found a full furnished hidden room. Then I remembered that I live in a block of flats.

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Nobody was interested in my carpentry class. Then I offered to teach them how to make glory holes. Now they're all coming out of the woodwork.

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Thanks to supergalley for setting up this new site. The old one was about as much use as a gloryhole in a lesbian bar.

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I walked in on my little sister giving her fanny a battering with a jumbo cucumber and got annoyed, "I was going to eat that later!" Obviously I didn't eat it later because it would have tasted of cucumber!

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I rang Rochdale A.F.C about a place for my wheelchair bound wife at the ground. "Well I think she'll be ok, " I was told, "but she'll probably have to play in goal. "

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I bought a gun because I have a fear of eagles. "You're getting carried away," said my wife. "Not without a fucking fight I'm not," I replied.

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I don't believe that elephants are being poached in Africa. Those niggers don't have pan big enough or any water.

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What's the difference between a baby and a trampoline? You take your boots off before jumping on a trampoline.

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I've found something that totally eliminates the urge to smoke cigarettes. Heroin.

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I got a job as a bellhop in a swanky hotel. On my first day the manager said 'Please show this couple up.' I said 'Well his tailor is awful, and judging by the age difference she's only with him for his money.'

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Gemma Collins,always handy to have around when you need to close a over packed suitcase.

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Bit of a drop on. Those who have been burned beyond recognition in Switzerland, are only 70 miles away from Dignatas

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Every New Year's Eve I go to the annual Bulimic's Ball. It's always heaving. (and there's no fat birds)

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Knowing there would be lots of kissing on New Years Eve, I decided to shave off the moustache, unfortunately she woke up when I sprayed the shaving foam on her face.

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I realise now that I should have told my three kids not to play with matches. Anyway, I've told my two kids not to do it again.

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I've just started reading my first ever Braille horror story. I think something bad is about to happen... I can feel it.

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For Sale: Bottles of sauce. HP available.

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To all those who received a book off me for Christmas: they're due back at the library on the 2nd of January.

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I've been trying to find out from the wife all week how her treatment went for frigidity. She's remaining very tight lipped though.

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Well that's all the Christmas presents put in their correct place. Ebay.

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I've created an app where customers can order drugs and have it send to them. Its called Instantgram.

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A local junkie returns to Boots and smashes up the chemist. It would appear that there was Methadone in his madness...

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