My wife says and does the nicest things. Just this morning she said, "I'm taking the kids and leaving you."

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I went to the shop on my bicycle and bought a bottle of whiskey. As I set off home I thought, "If I fall off my bike, the bottle of whisky will break. I'd better drink it now." Lucky I did, because I fell off seven times on the way home.

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My mate has OCD, so I bought him a picture of the Leaning Tower of Pisa. He's going fucking nuts trying to hang it straight.

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Just about to watch Big Naughty Anal Sluts 3, but if I haven't seen the first two, will I still be able to follow the story?

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The school phoned me and said "Can you come down, your son has been telling lies again" I said "Well tell him he's good, i haven't got any kids"

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There's a woman in our pub who is so ugly that if she gives you a blowjob it counts as anal.

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Two flies decided to have a race from one side of a black man's lips to the other. The first fly went flat out all the way and was shocked to see the second fly already there,relaxing in a deck chair. ' How did you manage to get here before me, ' said the first fly. ' I took a short cut round the back of his head, ' replied the second fly.

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Let's give this Dry January a go then.......

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If it grows hair and has milk..its a mammal...like the coconut..

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I went into an Ethiopian gift shop, "Have you got an I am four birthday card please?" I asked. "Sorry, " said the shopkeeper, "we've never needed them. "

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"Who's a pretty boy then,?" I said, as I pushed a dry cracker through the bars of the cage. "I want my mummy," he sobbed.

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I do an evening of stand up comedy and jokes for the patients at our local Hospice every six weeks. It always goes down very well. The good news is that I never need to change my act.

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I said, "The second best way to have sex with a woman is to be funny." "What's the first?," she asked. "A knife," I replied. "Haha," she laughed, "you're funny." "Good choice,"I said.

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There is one thing that white men and black men do have in common. They don't like bringing up black kids.

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When my wife saw my face, after all this time, she burst into tears. It was then that she realised... Witness Protection is a joke.

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After cutting my female neighbours grass she knocked on my door and said "Thank you, I could marry you!" What's the world coming to, you do something nice for someone and they threaten to fuck your life up beyond belief?

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A young mum I know posted on Facebook "My toddler crawled under the garden fence today lol. Nails and wood will be out tomorrow." xxx I thought, fucking hell, crucifixion seems a bit harsh for just doing that ......

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What's rude and very aggressive? Me you fat cunt

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I told myself I shouldn't drink so much. However, I'm not going to listen to a drunken cunt who talks to himself.

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The teacher called little Johnny to her desk and said, "The essay you wrote about your pet dog is word-for-word the same as your brother's. What do you have to say for yourself?" "Of course it is!" said little Johnny. "It's the same fucking dog!"

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Our family were so poor that my mother used to send me next door with a button and ask our neighbour to sew a shirt on it.

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I slept with my best friend's wife last night and now i feel terrible. She must have given me a cold or something.

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It had been playing on my mind for some time and I just had to find out. ' Mum, am I adopted? ' I asked. ' No,son ' she replied. 'We did put you up for adoption once but nobody wanted you.'

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There's two reasons I won't give money to beggars. 1. They'll use it to buy alcohol. 2. I want to use it to buy alcohol.

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Found an old lamp whilst I was out walking yesterday.When I gave it a rub a big genie popped out and granted me three wishes. For my first wish I asked the genie to make Keir Starmer the worst Prime Minister in British History. The genie told me I still had three wishes left.

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Q: How do you stop a paki from choking? A: No one knows because no one has ever tried.

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Can’t believe they released the Epstein files to cover up for the Melania movie.

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My dad always used to say, when one door closes, another one will always open. Lovely fellow, terrible submarine captain.

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I know a chap who works for the FBI.. He pretends to be a 13 year old girl and chats online to child molesters and stalkers all day.. I don't know what he does for the FBI.

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I said to my mate, "Did you know that hamsters die after sex?" "I don't think they do," he replied. "Well, the one I fucked did," I said.

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I will never forgive my sister for marrying a black man. Every time we have a family photograph he sticks out like a turd in a fruit bowl.

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I bought a alcoholic ginger beer. He wasn't happy.

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After years of not speaking to my neighbour thinking he was a bit of a twat, turns out he's a brilliant bloke. He's run off with my wife.

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Using only a .22 pistol I survived a grizzly bear attack. My friend, who I shot in the knee, wasn't so lucky.

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My wife left me today. I'm gutted, I'd just bought a seesaw.

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Rosie Jones said when she was younger that she wanted to be a comedian when she grew up. They all laughed. Well they’re not laughing now!!! 🤣

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My daughter's kitten died, so I got her another one. Now she's got two dead kittens.

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I think I might have something wrong with one of my testicles. The middle one is hanging lower than the other two.

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I envy left wing people. I have to spend £50 on drugs or alcohol to act retarded. They don't have to pay a penny.

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I bought a jack in the box for 50p. But it doesn't work. Why am I not surprised.

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I went for a walk through the park and I kept on hearing, ' Mark ', ' Mark,Mark '. Five minutes later I found a dog with a hare lip tied to a lamppost.

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Annoy taxi drivers by ordering a taxi from a busy pub in the name of Spartacus.

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I couldn't understand why it was taking me longer to wash my face. Then I realised I was going bald.

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The wife's just thrown 5 cricket balls at me. I said one more and it's over.

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My ambition was to be a gynaecologist. But I failed the entrance exam.

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Why shouldn't Rosie Jones be a comedian?. For the same reason Jo Brand isn't a stripper.

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Honestly, I got my wife a personalised number plate for her birthday which she had kept hinting at and still she's not happy with it. F4 TTY.

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I hate fucking niggers. I don't even know why I do it.

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Just paid £4000 for a year's membership to the reincarnation society! Fuck it YOLO

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We went to the local Bulimic Awareness Realization Foundation meeting yesterday...or barf for short. You can bring up anything you want.

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