I just invented a new word. Plagiarism.

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My wife is leaving me and taking the kids because of my obsession with horse racing. They are at the gate now, and they're off....

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"Come in number 9 your time is up" "Boss, we’ve only got 8 boats." "No 6 are you in trouble?"

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I hate it when there isn't any toilet paper and you have to do that stupid walk with your trousers around your ankles. Anyway, I'm nearly at the corner shop now.

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My doctor told me to stop drinking so I decided to make a massive change in my life. It's going to take some getting used to. I've been with that doctor for twenty years.

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After visiting Sickipedia.net earlier, I’ve decided to liven my day up by going onto my dead gran’s Facebook profile..

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I was walking down a street in Saudi Arabia holding my boyfriend's hand. I don't know where he is, but the stupid twat must have stolen something.

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The wife said she's had enough and wants us to try separate beds. Hers will be in Manchester and mine will be in Cardiff.

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I dropped the soap in the prison showers this morning. A big nigger, with a cock like a python, handed it back to me. "Nice try, you ugly cunt," he said.

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"Don't believe everything you read on the Internet." Abraham Lincoln 1862

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I remember when I was at school a policeman came in and did a talk on drugs. We couldn't understand a word he was saying.

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I met a man who used to play the triangle in a Jamaican Reggae Band but he got fed up and left. He said it was just one ting after another.

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Warning: This movie 'MAY' contain nudity? Either it does or it doesn't, don't waste my fucking time.

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Donald Trump says he 'wasn't worried' by the shooting incident at the White House Correspondents' dinner. He told reporters, 'It all went exactly as we rehearsed.'

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The doctor asked, "Do you drink, take drugs or have gay sex?" "Yes," I replied. "What are you doing tonight?," he said.

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A cop stops a little old lady driving a Mini. He jokingly asks, "Any weapons in the car?" "Yes," she replies, " a .38 in the glove box, a 9mm on my ankle, a .45 on my hip and a pump action on the back seat." "Bloody hell," says the cop. "What are you frightened of?" "Fucking nothing," she replied.

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Modern looters are soft! Back in the 70's you had to be fucking hard to run with a colour TV.

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My wife just screamed at me "i hope you are fucking happy now?" I don't think she means it though.

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I've always liked learning new synonyms. Last night, at a wine tasting, I learnt that 'sophisticated palate' means exactly the same thing as 'pretentious cunt.'

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What do you call a black man in disguise? Incognegro.

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Women and dog shit. The older they get the easier they are to pick up.

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Had a bit of a row with my girlfriend in the pub last night and she ended up going off with 2 blokes in their van! Bloody paramedics.

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I went to the mortuary to identify my wife's body. When they removed the sheet I started sobbing uncontrollably. It wasn't her.

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The doctor said to me, "You'll be at peace soon." "Am I dying?,"I asked. "No," he replied, "Your wife is."

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The salesman said, "This sofa will seat five people without any problems." "Fucking hell," I thought, "Where am I supposed to find five people without any problems."

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A driver is travelling through a forest when he comes across a man tied to a tree stark-bollock naked. The driver stops, and gets out and asks the man what's wrong. "Well, I was driving along and I stopped because I saw a woman lying in the road so I stopped. I went to help her when I felt someone clout me over the back of the head and I blacked out. When I awoke I found myself tied to this tree, and my car was gone." said the man. "That's terrible!" said the driver. "It gets worse...", continued the man, "...I was found by a passing truck driver. He got out of his cab, and finding me like this, stole my wallet, my phone, and my house-keys". "That's horrendous." exclaimed the driver. "It gets even worse..." said the man, close to tears "... after he left a tramp wandered by, and finding me like this, stole all my clothes, leaving me here as you find me." "D'you know what?" asked the driver. "What?" replies the man. "It's just not your lucky day." says the driver, as he unzips his trousers...

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I bought a T shirt with the movie ‘Groundhog day’ on it years ago… Not worn anything else since.

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My elderly mother needed assistance with her bath, so I asked my girlfriend if she'd mind helping me out. "Of course," she smiled. "What do you want me to do?" "You just turn the taps on," I replied. "I'll hold her under."

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Little Johnny was curious as to the mysteries of female anatomy, so he decided one day to approach his father, who was sure to be a learned scholar on the subject. "Daddy," said Johnny, "what does a vagina look like?" Somewhat unprepared for this question, Johnny's old man took some time to gather himself, and replied with a knowledgeable smile: "Well, before a woman has sex with a man, a vagina looks like a delicate flower bud, glistening ever-so-slightly in the morning dew." "And what does it look like after she's had sex?" asked Johnny. "Like a bulldog eating mayonnaise."

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I like to fuck two women in bed. Why? Because when I'm done they have someone to talk to.

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My 91 year old mother phoned me up to say she had had enough of living and asked me the best way to end her life. I told her to hold a gun under her left breast and pull the trigger. Later that evening I was informed that she had been rushed to hospital after blowing her left kneecap off.

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A young lady is on a cliff edge about to jump to her death. She is approached by a young man who asks if she's going to kill herself and to her reply of, "yes" he asks if she can give him a blow job. "Sure life sucks, I may as well too". When she's done he tells her it was great and asks why she's going to kill herself; to which she replies "My parents disowned me for dressing like a woman"

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'Get down' means different things to different people. To 1970's American blacks it was a hip term to chill out, to my dog it means 'get off the furniture' To Katie Price it means Harvey's escaped again

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What's the difference between 'Influencers' and 'Influenza'? I can tolerate Influenza for a week.

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They say that jogging in your 60's is a good way to meet people. I just met 2 paramedics, a nurse, a doctor, and almost Jesus.

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I tried to log into my Facebook account recently, only to find I've been permanently banned from the site. Guess I must have posted something that upset that nigger-loving faggot-ass kike Zuckerberg, or his chink bitch wife.

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Stormzy has said he has been called a nigger on numerous occasions by the police. Sting and his boys say it like it is.

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Paddy: I'm going to Majorca on holiday this year. Mick: It's not Majorca it's Mayorca,because the Spanish pronounce the J as a Y. Paddy: Oh? Mick: When are you thinking of going? Paddy: Yune or Yuly.

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My grandad died when I was quite young.I'll never forget his last words. ' Will you stop fucking about with that ladder. '

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Starmer says it is ‘staggering’ and ‘unforgivable’ he was not told Mandelson failed vetting. Yup. It's also untrue.

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"How long do cats usually sleep for?" I asked the vet over the phone. "On average about fifteen hours a day." he told me. "So eight months is excessive then."? I asked.

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I hate it when a beggar shakes his coin cup at me. There's no need to rub it in, I know you've got more money than me.

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I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81. He said, 'No.'

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Princess Diana melted in my arms as I sucked her tits and fingered her. Anyway, I'm now banned from Madame Toussauds.

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A woman ran into a police station shrieking "Help, help, I've been aped!" The Desk Sergeant said "Miss, do you mean raped?" She replied "No, they were niggers!" Nod to Allobosca!

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Jesus walks into a hotel, drops four nails on the counter, and says "Put me up for the night."

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I really know how to turn on a woman. By the time we are ready to fuck, she is wetter than Stevie Wonder's toilet floor.

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A woman phones up the police and states that she's been "graped" The police reply "don't you mean raped" "No, there was a bunch of them"

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Getting molested as a youth led me as an adult to frequently dress as a clown and perform at parties. Ronald McFondled

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I saw a pretty lass in the pub last night, so I went over to talk to her. She said, 'Get lost, loser.' I replied, 'Loser? Me? I'll have you know I'm in the Guinness Book of Records.' 'Really? What for?' 'Highest reading ever obtained on a police breathalyser.'

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