A man walks into a pub and ordered 10 whiskeys. "What's the matter?", asked the barman. "I've just found out my brother's gay and he's marrying my best friend", replied the man. The next day the same bloke comes in and orders 12 whiskeys. "What's the matter this time?", he asked. "I've just found out that my son's gay as well", replied the man. The very next day he goes back to the same pub and orders 15 whiskeys. "Blimey", said the barman, "doesn't anybody in your family like women?". And with tears in his eyes he replied, "Apparently my wife does"...

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I walked in on my grandma sucking my grandad's cock. I said "That's disgusting, why wasn’t it cremated with the rest of him."

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If you ever need proof that women are terrible just remember there was once a guy who shot himself after 5 minutes of marriage. RIP Adolf.

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What do you get if you cross a fat homosexual and a paranoid schizophrenic? Shot in the Blind Beggar Pub.

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My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl. I said, "to be honest I didn't know he played cricket..."

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Muslim terrorists commonly use car bombs,nail bombs and pipe bombs. But I bet you will never see the fuckers with a bath bomb.

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On holiday in Paris, I joined in the riots and looted myself an 85-inch telly. Some would say that makes me a common thief, but I prefer to see the bigger picture.

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The family of the man who jumped into the tiger enclosure have asked the press to leave them alone at the moment…. As it’s still a bit roar

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I had my first gig as a stand up comedian last night at a nursing home. They didn't get any of the jokes but they pissed themselves anyway...

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Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet. The Black Labrador asked the yellow Labrador "So why are you here?" The yellow Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed." The black Lab said, "So what's the vet going to do? " "Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the yellow Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down." "And why are you here?" the Yellow Lab asked the Black. The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch." "So what are they going to do to you?" the Yellow Lab inquired. "Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said. The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here? "I'm a humper,"said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat,a pillow, the table, and fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. "Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her feet, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away." The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance. "So, its nuts off for you too, huh?" The Great Dane said, "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped! "

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My neighbours 12 year old daughter asked me round to help with a computer problem. "Mum and Dad are at work," she explained, "and I'm trying to install this software. But it keeps saying I need to disable my Virgin Security." "If your parents are out," I said, unbuckling my belt, "then you've already done that.

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Remember, if you don't sin... Jesus died for nothing.

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How many beads and of what colour should we offer as reparations?

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I phoned the local council, and asked what precautions they had in place against a Dalek invasion. They told me steps have been put in place.

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'...During a wedding service in Glasgow I whispered to the guy next to me, "Isn't the bride a right ugly munter?" "Do you mind? That's my daughter you're talking about." "I'm sorry. I didn't know you were her father." "I'm not! I'm her fucking mother!!"

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My dog's behaviour is odd. He frequently kills birds and then buries them in the back garden. He's a Fred Westie.

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This year's autoerotic asphyxiation convention is in Las Vegas and I was worried I wouldn't be able to afford the trip. But I tightened my belt and came anyway

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I was shocked to find that my head was getting smaller. Then I discovered I was using a potato peeler instead of a comb.

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One of the guys I work with is a dwarf,and last week he got promoted to be assistant manager. Fucking hell,I thought,as if his head isn't big enough already.

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I became sexually active at 11. It's now 11:45 and my wrist is starting to hurt.

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When I was a kid my dad told me "I'm fucking sick of getting socks for my birthday!" "You ungrateful bastard!" I replied. "It's the thought that counts!" I could tell from the look in his eyes he'd have kicked my head in. If he had legs.

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It's my black stepson's birthday tomorrow. I've left an extra £20 in my jacket pocket for him.

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Officials have stated that that Siberian tiger will not be euthanized for eating that thick cunt who climbed into his cage. The decision was made on conservationist principles given that the world's population of Siberian tigers is thought to be as low as five hundred whereas the world's population of thick cunts is worryingly high.

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"Grandma, what happened to Grandad?" Grandma sighed, and Grandma smiled. "He had a heart attack when we were making love". "At your age?", Katie gasped. "We only did it when the church bells rang. In with the ding and out with the dong". She wiped away a tear and said, "He'd still be alive.....if that bloody ice cream truck hadn't gone past"....

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A local theater is getting backlash for not having enough disabled seats. To be fair, I thought they brought their own.

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My wife just turned to me and said, "I was talking to you and you yawned six times. Am I boring you?". "Those weren't yawns, they were six unsuccessful attempts to speak", I replied.

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The first rule of deaf club nyou nu not nalk amount nef glub

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I was choosing a suicide clinic the other day. I thought Dignitas looked pretty reliable but I thought I'd check the reviews to be sure. Looks good so far: there aren't any.

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A famous man has lost his bid for a High Court injunction to prevent the publication of sexual misconduct allegations against him – but he cannot yet be named as he can take the case to the Court of Appeal. I wanted to name him in this joke, but my computer says no.

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There are so many niggers working in my local McDonalds they should call it Trevor McDonalds

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I had to buy a new bed cos me and my girlfriend broke it with all the shagging. Just kidding, the truth is she broke it jumping on it. You know what kids are like.

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I was having breakfast in my Spanish hotel when I heard there had been a massive train crash in Urda. I asked the waiter if he knew anything about it. He knew nothing. He was from Barcelona.

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I bought a sweater but it was picking up static electricity, so I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge...

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Saw the family across the road dressed as skeletons and thought they were having an early Halloween party. Then I remembered they were vegans.

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Government are advising Man Utd to stock up on three days supply of managers.

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I don't understand why Americans are opposed to the metric system. They've been using 9mm in schools for years.

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Dad: "Son, I've got to tell you something. You were adopted". Son: "I knew it. Well I want to see my biological parents". Dad: "We ARE your biological parents. Your new parents are picking you up in half an hour"...

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A farmer bought a young rooster to replace his old one. As soon as it arrived it shagged every chicken. After lunch he did it again! The next day it did all the ducks before moving on to the geese the following day. Eventually the farmer finds the rooster flat out and with several vultures circling overhead. "Can't say you didn't earn it you crazy little bastard", said the farmer. The rooster opened one eye and whispered, "Shh, they're about to land"...

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My wife thinks I'm a nosey bastard. I just wish she'd say it to my face instead of writing it in her diary...

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Did you hear about the flid porn star? He had an arm like a baby's cock.

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I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off...

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When picking your own magic mushrooms, take care to identify them accurately. If you eat some types of mushroom, you get to see God. If you eat some other types, you get to meet him.

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Mum who died trying to save sons was a hero, husband says. No, to be a hero you have to actually succeed.

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'Human tissue' found in Rochdale street as police search for woman who recently gave birth. Been around the world and I, I, I, I can't find my baby...

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'...When I was a boy, My mum would send me down the corner shop with a £1... And I'd come back with a bag of potatoes, a loaf of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a block of cheese, a packet of tea and 6 eggs. You can't do that today.... Too many security cameras.'

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Apparently Netflix are making a documentary about Isaac Newton and the actor will be black. I hope they change the apple to a banana .

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A man at a funeral asks the priest, "Have you got the WiFi password?". The priest stares at him and says, "Good God man have some decency. This is your mother's funeral". "Is that all lower case?", the man replied...

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Just saw someone post, "You can't beat a Chinese." Well yeah, obviously. That would be a racially aggravated assault.

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My wife told me the cat had to be chipped. Well I only had a 9 iron but I still got it over the shed...

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My wife told me I was a selfish lover I almost choked on my own cock

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