Of course black lives matter. A dead slave is useless.

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A lot of actors are really worried that in the future, they will be replaced in films by AI avatars, but many directors say that AI will never be able to do what real Hollywood stars do. I mean, how could a computer suck Harvey Weinstein's cock?

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One of the barmaids in our pub got her nipple pierced. I'm shit at darts.

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The family of the ‘Putney Pusher’ maintain he was totally innocent and was thrown under a bus by the Met police.

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Joanna Wietrzyk is sponsored by Puma Pants. (Pronounced "poo ma pants)

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A sign in the window of my local corner shop says, 'This place is NOT called The Paki Shop!' Excellent! About time they were white-owned.

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My favourite teacher in high school was Mr Blackwell, in Geography. One of those really laid-back, easy-going cool teachers, you know the sort. I wouldn't have swapped him for all the tea in Denmark.

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My mate asked me, "What do you spend on a bottle of wine?". "I dunno, about 20 minutes, half an hour I guess", I replied.

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How do you stop a grooming gang? Chuck em a cricket ball

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Words like 'Paki' and 'nigger' don't bother me. Just the people.

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My doctor's prescribed me some haemorrhoid cream. On the label it says, 'For External Use Only'. My neighbours aren't too chuffed.

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I tried using the online Alzheimer's support service but I can't remember my login details

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Man who was duct-taped on flight after outburst breaks his silence. He told reporters; 'Mmmmmmf! Mmmmf! Mmmmmfffff!'

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Asylum seekers were taught how to avoid having sex with underage girls in Britain A better lesson would be how to avoid Britain.

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Women are like bacon. Sounds good, right? Looks good. Smells good. Tastes and feels good. All the while, killing you slowly.

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I once said boo to a goose. Fuck the rules.

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Two tramps wake up one morning in their cardboard boxes. 'Hey, you wanna skip breakfast today?' 'Sure! There's usually something edible in there...'

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After a public uproar, the boss of Ryanair has apologised for comparing rival airlines to rapists. "I am so sorry for the hurt I have caused," he said. "I did not realise how deeply offensive that sort of comparison was; it was a completely spasticated thing for me to say."

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The way Feminazis are going on about Sydney Sweeney's new ad you'd think she strangled three kids or something.

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I hated Ed Sheeran before it was cool

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He was so poor growing up, his Dad had to keep his Sister pregnant so they could have fresh milk.

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Accusations that the young are a snowflake generation are wrong, the head of an independent review into mental health has told the BBC. Prof Peter Fonagy says there has been a real rise in mental distress among children and young people, with anxiety, depression, self-harm and eating disorders the most common. Yeah. That's what "snowflake" means you fucking idiot.

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"...but if the waiting list is nearly two years," I said, "surely I'd be dead by then?" "Aha," smiled the consultant. "You've spotted the business model."

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On holiday in Thailand,I picked up this gorgeous woman in a bar one night. She looked like a woman,walked like a woman,talked like a woman and kissed like a woman. But when she parked the car first time I just knew there was a cock and bollocks under that dress.

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Joanna Wietrrzyk rewrites history by achieving number one and number two in the same event.

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What’s a new born baby’s least favourite song? ‘Letby entertain you’.

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Our kids have started treating the house like a hotel. They're putting bibles in the bedside tables.

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I wouldn’t bother with that Bayeux Tapestry…He dies at the end

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Groundbreaking new spinal cord implant allows paralysed patients to walk, swim, cycle, and even ride a canoe. Have they tried Tampax?

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Joanna Wietrzyk is the next big name in Cack and Field sports.

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My wife kept telling me I should get something that would improve my sex drive. I came back from the pharmacy with two big boxes of diet pills for her.

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So Jesus could turn water into wine.... Big deal I can make two different liquids come out of my cock

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I saw a cannibal who only had one arm and one leg. Apparently he had been on holiday but it was self catering.

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Black people invented the steel drum. Those cunts will steal anything.

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I read that if you shave something off, it'll grow back thicker than it was before. I can't wait to see my new dick! (credit: whoever posted the original on the old place)

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Russian election results finalized tomorrow. Tonight’s exit poll has Putin’s United Russia leading with 346% of votes cast.

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'I really enjoy watching those young ladies run like their very lives depended on it.' 'Ah, been watching the athletics, eh?' 'Athletics?'

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Mohamed Al Fayed had a Harley Street doctor carry out invasive sexual health tests on his alleged victims. These spontaneous affairs need careful planning.

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I've started blending Rohypnol into pieces of chewing gum, then handing them out to the local schoolgirls. It's my latest invention, nickateen gum.

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Homeowners! Say goodbye to expensive solar panels! There's some heavy winds forecast later.

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Joanna Wietrzyk is obviously dedicated to her sport. The rest of the contestants didn't give a shit.

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When I was younger I used to have a sexual urge to pleasure myself by shoving lettuce up my arse... But not all of it though, oh no, just the very tip of the iceberg...

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What do you call a chinese male child who's hot? Boi ling What do you call a female Chinese child who's hot? Cremated

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I asked my local priest if he was going on holiday anywhere nice this year. "I'm going to the Philippines, with the children," he said. Weird. I didn't think they were allowed to have kids.

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I wouldn't say boo to a goose. I have Tourette's, I'd tell it to fuck off.

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OnlyFans model reveals fan offered her fifty pounds to poo in a box and post it to him. Fucking hell, and I've been posting mine to my local MP for free for years.

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Ed Sheeran is very good around the house. In the space of a few hours, he did all his laundry, cleaning and then his Zioning

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I've got my wife's name tattooed halfway up my forearm. To show how far I've had my fist up her arse.

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My wife was waiting for the scales at Slimming world. She got to the front and stepped on the machine. She said "I've been stood in the queue for ages" The organizer said "well that's appropriate, your weight is over"

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Worst thing about women's football? All the extra stoppage time while the ref tries to explain the offside rule.

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