The school phoned me and said "Can you come down, your son has been telling lies again" I said "Well tell him he's good, i haven't got any kids"

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My wife says and does the nicest things. Just this morning she said, "I'm taking the kids and leaving you."

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It had been playing on my mind for some time and I just had to find out. ' Mum, am I adopted? ' I asked. ' No,son ' she replied. 'We did put you up for adoption once but nobody wanted you.'

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Found an old lamp whilst I was out walking yesterday.When I gave it a rub a big genie popped out and granted me three wishes. For my first wish I asked the genie to make Keir Starmer the worst Prime Minister in British History. The genie told me I still had three wishes left.

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I slept with my best friend's wife last night and now i feel terrible. She must have given me a cold or something.

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There's two reasons I won't give money to beggars. 1. They'll use it to buy alcohol. 2. I want to use it to buy alcohol.

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My wife left me today. I'm gutted, I'd just bought a seesaw.

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Rosie Jones said when she was younger that she wanted to be a comedian when she grew up. They all laughed. Well they’re not laughing now!!! 🤣

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My daughter's kitten died, so I got her another one. Now she's got two dead kittens.

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I think I might have something wrong with one of my testicles. The middle one is hanging lower than the other two.

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Using only a .22 pistol I survived a grizzly bear attack. My friend, who I shot in the knee, wasn't so lucky.

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How do you starve a black person? Put their food stamp card under their workboots!

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I keep having horrible nightmares about fruit machines. My wife has been really supportive, she wakes me up with a nudge, and then she holds me.

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I was at the checkout, with two fully laden trollies, when I noticed an old lady behind me with only a pint of milk. "Is that all you've got?," I asked. "Yes," she smiled. "Well, you'd better find another till. I'm going to be fucking ages," I said.

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Poor Anne Frank, She couldn't even put milk on her Rice Krispies.

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A lot of people don't like Jimmy Savile but when I met him we had a great time. He blindfolded me and I had to guess the weight of two snooker balls in a bag.

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A bloke knocked my front door last night, "You've left your lights on mate" he said "I know, I can't find my way around the house without them" I replied.

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Londons burning actor sentenced to eight and half years for sex offences…I don’t think it will be London that’s burning for the next few years

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When my father died,all he left me was an atlas. It meant the world to me.

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I said to my wife, "Sometimes I feel really high and then I feel really low." "Get off the fucking swing, Dave," she replied.

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I like to smile at Pakistani men and then wink. It's great being an army sniper.

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Jesus was a carpenter, but he couldn't play any instruments. That's why Karen and Richard wouldn't let him in the band.

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Just come back from watching Little Women. Very disappointing to be honest.... not one midget in the whole film.

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Professor Kaltzenheimer attended our AA meeting and told us he had developed a tablet that can cure alcoholism completely. All we have to do is take one tablet and we would never drink alcohol again. When he asked if there were any questions, one of the group said, ' What happens if you take two? '

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Paul Hardcastle's son has died in a motorcycle accident. He was n-n-n-n-n-n-not very old, 35 in fact.

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The Red Arrows have got their first woman leader. What colour will they be the other 26 days a month?

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Who says modern technology can't exist along with religious traditions... My new 3D printer has made me a perfect Voodoo doll of Axel Rudakubana. Just waiting for it to finish making the eye gougers and I'll give it a try.

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Helen Keller walks into a bar, then a table, then a chair.

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Doctor Doctor, it hurts when I do this, (rotates arm around his elbow). Doctor: Well don't do it then

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What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple? Being the last Jewish kid left alive in Auschwitz, watching the gas chamber door close, then realising the “worm” wriggling up your arse is just the last SS guard finishing inside you before he leaves for the weekend

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