And in animal news, a little boy has learned to be careful what he wishes for after asking if he could feed the crocodiles at the zoo.

0 comments

I had a phone call from my son's headmaster. "I'm afraid to tell you that a group of Asian lads ganged up on Michael and stuck his head down the toilet." "Little bastards. Is he OK now?" "Unfortunately not. They cut it off first."

1 comment

I was playing pool in the pub last night. As I leaned in to take a shot my buddy said, 'Watch the black, mate!' I replied, 'Why, is he near my jacket again?'

0 comments

'Cabinet turns on Starmer' Is there anything that doesn't give him a boner?

1 comment

I saw a middle-aged man in a terrible wig and shouted "Oi, what do you identify as faggot?" As it turns out, it was a really bad start to my trial!

0 comments

Being kissed in your sleep is the purest form of love unless you're home alone or in prison.

0 comments

Confusion over events involving a boy and a crocodile in Huntingdon. Things weren't helped by a dog stealing his sausages while onlookers shouted "that's the way to do it."

0 comments

Gary Glitter likes having sex with underage girls, doesn't like having his picture in the papers, and is always insisting that everyone join his gang. Is it just me, or does anyone else think he might be the reincarnation of the Prophet Mohammed?

0 comments

Apologies, this isn't a joke. I've just jumped ship from you know where and to my absolute joy, there ARE funny people still out there. Thank you, I hope you inspire me.

4 comments

You wouldn't believe how much my boss moans about me using my phone at work. I mean, honestly, it's not like it affects my ability to do my job. With all the technology these days the train practically drives i

1 comment

Jamie Varley sentenced to whole life term for raping and murdering infant boy he adopted with his partner John McGowan-Fazakerley who was sentenced to 25 years. In other news: Happy Pride Month!

2 comments

My three favourite things are eating out my friends and not using commas.

0 comments

Had this dream I was shagging Karen carpenter and Lena zavaroni. Two birds one stone.

0 comments

News: Brazilian woman without a safety cord attached falls 130ft to her death in bungle jump.

0 comments

Been watching Portugal playing Congo, and I'm sorely disappointed. Didn't see a single one of them drinking UmBongo.

0 comments

I find it impossible to get laid these days. Which is ironic as I'm egg shaped.

0 comments

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa.

0 comments

Scientists say that swallowing semen after oral sex can help women lose weight. I agree. Women who swallow mine tend to lose a great deal of weight about 9 or 10 years down the line.

0 comments

I finally got my hands on some Rohypnol, but I'm a bit confused. One the packet it says 'Best Before Date', but then there's no numbers or anything.

0 comments

What's big, purple and comes up your rear end unexpectedly? The EMR express from Bedford.

0 comments

I've put my name down to join the local Feminists Society. Hopefully once they see what an informed and enlightened kind of guy I am, I might get to pump a few of them.

0 comments

​I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high, and she looked surprised.

0 comments

A few years back, I arranged to meet a policeman via a chat room. When I opened the door to meet them, there was a 12 year old girl standing there.

0 comments

A Mexican married a Nigger. They had a son who was too lazy to steal.

0 comments

What's the difference between the McCanns and Gary Glitter? Gary Glitter comes back from his holidays with more kids than he left with.

0 comments

A magician in Queensland, Australia has vanished without a trace in remote wilderness, with armed forces called in to help in the search. Fucking hell, he's good.

0 comments

I told my girlfriend that semen contains 'friendly' bacteria, like those Actimel yoghurts. I can't believe she swallowed it.

0 comments

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? ALL MEN ARE BASTARDS!

0 comments

I went into a tattoo parlor in East London and said "do you do piercings?" The guy said" yeah" and stabbed me.

1 comment

How do Muppets die? They Kermit Suicide.

0 comments

British serial killers are offered a last drink before jail. Guard: "What would you like?" Harold Shipman: "A nice whiskey would be great" Guard: "What would you like?" Myra Hindley: "I'd love some red wine" Guard: "What would you like?" Fred West: "I could murder some Tennants"

0 comments

My wife won me over with the line "I love the big bulge in your jeans, it really excites me!" Eventually I realised she meant my wallet!

0 comments

I once went fifteen years without a drink. Then I turned fifteen.

0 comments

I first met my wife at a scat fetish orgy. It was love at first shite.

0 comments

Applied for a job as a blacksmith and the interviewer asked if I've ever shoed a horse. I replied "Nope but I've told a couple of donkeys to fuck off".

0 comments

What do you call one of those turds that takes ages to flush? Keir Starmer.

1 comment

What's black and has 27 tits? The rubbish bag outside the cancer clinic.

0 comments

I'm a fully-qualified abortion provider. I kid you not.

0 comments

My wife got a job in a care home. She said that they give all the old men viagra every night. It's not for health reasons, it stops them rolling out of bed.

0 comments

Q. What do you give the man who has everything? A. Penecillin

0 comments

What is the biggest all-time dilemma for a Jew? Free ham!

0 comments

My ex girlfriend from a while back managed to contact me and said "Joey I've got AIDS". I replied "yes..I know".

0 comments

Tuna fish and lavender must be my favourite smell. It brings back memories when I was a kid sniffing through my Nan's knickers draw.

1 comment

30 years on, and the Spice Girls have really stood the test of time. They're still shit.

0 comments

I once went out with a girl who was a coal miners daughter. She wasn't much to look at but she knew her way round a shaft.

3 comments

'King extends olive branch for Harry' Let's see if Meghan swings off it.

1 comment

Nigel Farage claims that one in three schoolchildren in Glasgow nowadays can't speak fluent English. The other two must be immigrants.

0 comments

For the sake of their future development, never put your three year old in crocs.

0 comments

With the grooming gang enquiry looming ever closer, spare a thought at this difficult time for all the poor Paki blokes, who are currently only able to fuck their own kids instead of ours

1 comment

Despite all the jokes I'm not really a racist. I would never molest a black child.

1 comment