If you ever need proof that women are terrible just remember there was once a guy who shot himself after 5 minutes of marriage. RIP Adolf.

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What do you get if you cross a fat homosexual and a paranoid schizophrenic? Shot in the Blind Beggar Pub.

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Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet. The Black Labrador asked the yellow Labrador "So why are you here?" The yellow Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed." The black Lab said, "So what's the vet going to do? " "Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the yellow Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down." "And why are you here?" the Yellow Lab asked the Black. The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch." "So what are they going to do to you?" the Yellow Lab inquired. "Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said. The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here? "I'm a humper,"said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat,a pillow, the table, and fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. "Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her feet, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away." The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance. "So, its nuts off for you too, huh?" The Great Dane said, "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped! "

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My neighbours 12 year old daughter asked me round to help with a computer problem. "Mum and Dad are at work," she explained, "and I'm trying to install this software. But it keeps saying I need to disable my Virgin Security." "If your parents are out," I said, unbuckling my belt, "then you've already done that.

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Remember, if you don't sin... Jesus died for nothing.

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How many beads and of what colour should we offer as reparations?

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A famous man has lost his bid for a High Court injunction to prevent the publication of sexual misconduct allegations against him – but he cannot yet be named as he can take the case to the Court of Appeal. I wanted to name him in this joke, but my computer says no.

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There are so many niggers working in my local McDonalds they should call it Trevor McDonalds

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I bought a second-hand suit from a magician. Reached for my CV during a job interview and pulled out a fucking pigeon.

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Two Irishmen in a bar. The barman walks up to them and says youre not allowed to eat your own food in here. So they swapped sandwiches.

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My girlfriend accused me of having an affair with a woman from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerwchllyndrobwllllandysiliogogogoch. I said, "How can you say such a thing?!"

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Apparently in Islam, the ultimate sin is to draw the prophet Mohammad. ​Of course, marrying a 12-year-old is perfectly fine. As long as she doesn't bring her crayons.

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"Less dad jokes, more gallows humour" Well, you'll be happy to hear my dad hanged himself

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Donald Trump must be shitting himself right now. And then there's the midterms coming up next week, too.

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There once was an inmate called Brand, Whose arsehole just would not expand. Then a helpful black bloke, gave his starfish a poke, And got both fists beyond Brand's prostate gland.

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What's hairy and goes "Ow!!" ? Russell Brand picking up the soap

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My mate Iain has one eye bigger than the other.

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Should Britain make reparations for slavery? Well, we never should have got involved in such a sordid enterprise in the first place. All those slaves should have been emancipated and sent back home to Africa. So I propose we do the next best thing, and send all their descendants back.

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The closest I’ve ever come to a threesome is a three-bird roast at Christmas... and to be honest, even that was a bit dry.

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It's hard to agree with Admins request for more gallows humour. When what we really need here is an increase in racism.

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I remember trying to impress a girl by putting my foot down on the pedal. But it turns out she's seen a bin open that way before.

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Those people at the suppository helpline are very rude aren't they?

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I sent Russell Brand a Rita Hayworth poster for his cell, as a little nod to The Shawshank Redemption. By morning, she’d tunnelled through the fucking wall.

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Russell Brand guilty of rape I hope they throw the booky-wook at the cunt

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I asked my GP if he could give me something for a migraine. He gave me a piece of paper that said, Sickipedia.net

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The vet gave me a cone to stop the dog licking his bollocks. I’ve been shouting “PACK IT IN” through it all afternoon.

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The super injunction procured by an anonymous celebrity has been granted on the grounds that if found guilty, he'll probably commit suicide. Am I alone in seeing a problem and solution rolled into one here?

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All the organs of the body were having a meeting, Trying to decide who was the one in charge. "I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen." "I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away." "I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy." "I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go." "I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes." I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal." All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, So in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, The stomach was bloated, The legs got wobbly, The eyes got watery, And the blood was toxic.. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss . The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work... An Arsehole is usually in charge...

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I was watching Micheal Macintyre on TV last night. It said I could press the red button on my remote. So I did and it turned the cunt off!

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I was quite surprised back in 2018 when Winnie Mandela bought the farm. I thought she'd just have seized it from its rightful white owner.

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Women are looking for two things in a man; his own home and his own car. And I tick both boxes: I live in my car.

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I've just read a book called "Fifty shades of gravy" It's very saucy

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A drunk air passenger, 30, pulled down her underwear and exposed her vagina in front of holidaymakers. Best airline ever. Dinner and a show.

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Mickey Mouse? Not on my watch.

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I dunno what the King was so angry about... That's the first time Camilla's been wet since the first Gulf War

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I finally went on a a date with the girl from Tinder I've been chatting to for a couple of weeks. She apologised for making me wait, she just wanted to make sure I wasn't a narcissistic serial killer. So I strangled her with her own underwear, just like the others. Nobody talks to King God Daddy Giantcock that way.

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I've found that answering the door naked with an erection really scares the trick or treaters. Oh, here we go again. Two fat little bastards dressed as policemen.

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How do you get a farm girl to fancy you...? First, a tractor...

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Tributes have been pouring in following the death of Patrick Stewart yesterday... Sir Ian McKellen - "the most respected and beloved actor of his generation". Hugh Jackman - "We lost one of the greats of stage and screen today... I will miss you, Patrick Stewart, all of my days". George Takei - "He inspired a whole next generation of star-gazers who looked longingly ahead to a brighter future for all humanity". William Shatner - " Whose Captain now bitch?"

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I thought Russell Brand crawling out of my television was terrifying. Then the girl from The Ring crawled out after him and hid behind me.

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My wife and I share three wonderful children. I just hope none of them dob us in.

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Remember remember The 5th of November The hairy sex pest got sent down I can't fucking wait For the biggest inmate To shove his cock up Brand's brown

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There once was a comic named Russell, Who forced ladies into a tussle. Now he's on the nonce wing, And he fears for his ring, Hope they violate his sphincter muscle.

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The first time I shagged my new girlfriend I thought of my late wife. I thought this'll teach her to be late.

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I wouldn't say my wife is ugly. But she fucking is.

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Modern vicars are such hypocrites. They bang on about living by Christ's example but they are always the first to call the police when you actually turn up at the church bakesale brandishing a whip and start turning over tables.

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I complimented a guy on his Halloween child molester costume and all he said was me on me way home from Mosque, what Halloween?

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I've decided to take the wife out tonight. One bullet should be enough.

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Three weeks ago a tub of butter fell and landed on my foot. It still fucking hurts.... I can't believe it's not better...

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What's Roman Polanski's favourite whisky? SHE VAS LEGAL!

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