My doctor told me to stop drinking so I decided to make a massive change in my life. It's going to take some getting used to. I've been with that doctor for twenty years.

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After visiting Sickipedia.net earlier, I’ve decided to liven my day up by going onto my dead gran’s Facebook profile..

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I was walking down a street in Saudi Arabia holding my boyfriend's hand. I don't know where he is, but the stupid twat must have stolen something.

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The wife said she's had enough and wants us to try separate beds. Hers will be in Manchester and mine will be in Cardiff.

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I dropped the soap in the prison showers this morning. A big nigger, with a cock like a python, handed it back to me. "Nice try, you ugly cunt," he said.

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Warning: This movie 'MAY' contain nudity? Either it does or it doesn't, don't waste my fucking time.

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Donald Trump says he 'wasn't worried' by the shooting incident at the White House Correspondents' dinner. He told reporters, 'It all went exactly as we rehearsed.'

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The doctor asked, "Do you drink, take drugs or have gay sex?" "Yes," I replied. "What are you doing tonight?," he said.

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A cop stops a little old lady driving a Mini. He jokingly asks, "Any weapons in the car?" "Yes," she replies, " a .38 in the glove box, a 9mm on my ankle, a .45 on my hip and a pump action on the back seat." "Bloody hell," says the cop. "What are you frightened of?" "Fucking nothing," she replied.

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A driver is travelling through a forest when he comes across a man tied to a tree stark-bollock naked. The driver stops, and gets out and asks the man what's wrong. "Well, I was driving along and I stopped because I saw a woman lying in the road so I stopped. I went to help her when I felt someone clout me over the back of the head and I blacked out. When I awoke I found myself tied to this tree, and my car was gone." said the man. "That's terrible!" said the driver. "It gets worse...", continued the man, "...I was found by a passing truck driver. He got out of his cab, and finding me like this, stole my wallet, my phone, and my house-keys". "That's horrendous." exclaimed the driver. "It gets even worse..." said the man, close to tears "... after he left a tramp wandered by, and finding me like this, stole all my clothes, leaving me here as you find me." "D'you know what?" asked the driver. "What?" replies the man. "It's just not your lucky day." says the driver, as he unzips his trousers...

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I bought a T shirt with the movie ‘Groundhog day’ on it years ago… Not worn anything else since.

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My elderly mother needed assistance with her bath, so I asked my girlfriend if she'd mind helping me out. "Of course," she smiled. "What do you want me to do?" "You just turn the taps on," I replied. "I'll hold her under."

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Little Johnny was curious as to the mysteries of female anatomy, so he decided one day to approach his father, who was sure to be a learned scholar on the subject. "Daddy," said Johnny, "what does a vagina look like?" Somewhat unprepared for this question, Johnny's old man took some time to gather himself, and replied with a knowledgeable smile: "Well, before a woman has sex with a man, a vagina looks like a delicate flower bud, glistening ever-so-slightly in the morning dew." "And what does it look like after she's had sex?" asked Johnny. "Like a bulldog eating mayonnaise."

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I like to fuck two women in bed. Why? Because when I'm done they have someone to talk to.

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Got chatting to a stunning bird in the pub last night. ' Are you a lover or a fighter, ' she said. ' It all depends if I forget the safe word, ' I replied.

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Sri Lanka police arrest 22 monks after 110kg of cannabis found in luggage. Good luck trying to get any of them to squeal...

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I was just in the queue at the supermarket when Diana Ross tried to push in. I said “You can't hurry love, you'll just have to wait...”

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Need a laugh this morning Read this 😂😂😂😂 Air Traffic Control Gems Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10s o'clock, 6 miles..." Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!" TWA 2341, for noise abatement, turn right 45 degrees." "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?" O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 239 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound." United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight." A DC-10 had come in a little fast and thus had an exceedingly long rollout after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport." A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English. Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war." One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the Tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one." While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Fort. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose-to-nose with a United 727. An irate female ATC ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie Taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage at the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how tell you! You got that, US Air 2771 ? "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance to engage the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

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A young, heavily pregnant Irish lass is involved in a car crash and is put into a coma. When she wakes up several weeks later, she discovers that she has given birth. "What happened to my baby?" she asks a nurse. "Well, miss, you had a boy and a girl, and your brother Seamus is looking after them for you. We didn't know how long you'd be out, so he named them for you." "But Seamus is a dickhead! What did he call them?" the girl asks. "He called the girl Denise". "That's not too bad," the girl says, "what did he call the boy?" "Denephew."

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I'm not saying I live in a hard area., but the other night I went to a pub quiz and the first question was... "What the fuck are you looking at?"

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Last night I watched that Charlie's Angels movie sequel with Cameron Diaz and Demi Moore in it. Cunning stunts, all right. I was giving it Full Throttle.

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Four Al-Qaeda thalidomide victims were arrested at Manchester airport yesterday. They were charged with trying to smuggle small arms into the country.

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You will never see a redneck girl in a reversed cowgirl position when she has sex. They never turn their back on family.

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Influencer (whatever the fuck that means) Klaudiaglam, dies 6 days after being run over by former X Factor finalist in London nightclub rammy. I'm surprised she was so badly injured. Her humungous arse should've been able to absorb any degree of impact.

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When my father passed away,the only thing he left was an atlas. It meant the world to me.

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"Hegseth ‘didn’t want any help’ evacuating" during the Trump hotel incident. " I eat plenty of fibre and am normally regular" he said later "but it was embarrassing".

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Did you hear about Michael Jackson's latest holiday destination? He's going to Tampa with the kids

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Me: "I'm going to close this kitchen drawer." Potato masher: "Like fuck you are."

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People often ask me what it's like working with individuals who have a learning disability. Well,there are some ups but it's mainly Down's.

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A young courting couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll his lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says "I hope you don't mind but I really do need to have a piss." Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "OK why don't you go behind this hedge." She nods in agreement and disappears behind the hedge. As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer he reaches through a gap in the hedge, his hand touching her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himslef gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs. He shouts in horror, "My God Mary have you changed your sex!!!" "No" she replies "I've changed my mind, I'm having a shit instead."

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Two guys are walking down the street and see a dog on the lawn, licking his balls. So one guy says to the other, "Man, I sure wish I could do that". The other guy says, "Don't you think you ought to pet him first?"

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A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit, he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this, she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from his wife also. The doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies: "She choked."

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"So, what are you looking for in a relationship?" I asked my date. "Security," she smiled. Well, she'll definitely get that locked in my cellar.

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I have a severe nail-biting habit. But that's neither here gnaw there.

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Dances With Wolves star Nathan Chasing Horse sentenced to life in prison. Don't try drugs, kids,,,

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Little boy: Mummy, can I lick the bowl clean? Mother: No, flush it like everyone else!

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I grew up in London but now I live in Pakistan. I haven't moved. Not to supergalley (and Andrew Lawrence)

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I called the police and said "I just saw a nigger steal a woman's purse!" She said "I think you mean a black person." I said "Hey, that's racist. Just because someone's black doesn't mean they're a nigger."

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What is the difference between Neighbours and Prince Charles? Neighbours had Mrs Mangel, Prince Charles has a mangled Mrs!

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Took a woman home from the pub last night.She didn't look too bad , noticed she had a couple of birthmarks. Woke up this morning and saw they weren't birthmarks,they were cigarette burns.

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My wife is so ugly, when I get a blow job off of her it counts as Anal.

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Princess Diana be doing if she was alive today? Scratching on the lid of her coffin

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Why are women like washing machines? They both leak when they're fucked.

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Q: Two pakis jump off a cliff - one's wearing red, the other's wearing blue. Who wins? A: Society.

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What's the difference between Princess Diana and the Queen Mum? They both died pushing 102.

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My dentist was puzzled as to why I needed fillings, despite brushing twice a day with my sonic toothbrush. I recently figured out the problem for myself. Turns out every time I brushed, some of the toothpaste was dripping down into the join between the brush head and the base, then drying out to form a powdery 'cushion' that muffled the sonic vibrations reaching the head. Easily remedied - now after brushing, I just detach the head and give both parts a quick rinse before re-assembling. Went for my check-up the other day, and my dentist said, 'Well, I'm seeing a lot of improvement here. What are you doing differently?' I replied, 'Well, I've changed my morning routine. Now whenever I'm done brushing my teeth, I pull the head off it.'

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A guy walked into a bathroom and started pissing. He looked over and saw a really little man taking a piss. The guy looked over at him and said, Hello. The little man said, Hi, I'm a leprechaun! The guy was amazed. The leprechaun said I like you. I am going to grant you 3 wishes. The guy was skeptical but he decided to go along with it. The guy said, Okay, I want a big house. The leprechaun said, When you return home, you will have a huge mansion! The guy said, And then I want a beautiful woman for my own. The leprechaun said, I will give you a woman so wonderful you will never look at anyone else. The guy didn't know what to wish for 3rd. He looked over and saw the size of this leprechaun's dick. It was huge. He said Okay, my third wish is to have a big dick as big as yours. The leprechaun said, "I'll give it to you if you let me screw you up the butt. The guy didn't want to, but he really wanted a big dick. So the two were tearing it up! All the sudden the guy yelled out, I can't believe I'm letting a leprechaun screw me up the butt! Then the leprechaun said, I can't believe you think I am a leprechaun.

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A married couple was invited to a Halloween party. That night, as they were getting ready to go out, the wife said she had developed a migraine headache and had to stay home. She told her husband to go to the party without her. "Don't let me spoil a good time for you," she said. After further discussion, the husband put his mask and costume on and went to the party. The wife took some aspirin and went to bed. After sleeping for a while, she woke feeling much better and decided to go to the party and surprise her husband. As she was getting ready, she thought to herself, "I wonder what my husband really does when I'm not around." She then got into a different mask and costume, so her husband wouldn't recognize her, and went to the party. Getting there, she stood off to the side and watched. There was her husband dancing with one girl after another and getting very physical with them. She decided to see just how far he would go. She went up to him and started dancing with him, got very close and whispered that they should go outside. Going to one of the cars, they made love. Prior to the midnight unmasking, she left and went home to wait for her husband to return so she could confront him. He arrived home about 1:00 a.m. and climbed into bed. She sat up and asked "Well, how was the party?" He replied, "It was no fun without you honey." She said, "I don't believe you. I bet you had lots of fun!" He replied, "Really, Honey. When I got to the party, some of the guys and I got bored and we went downstairs and played poker all night. I loaned my costume to your dad. He said he had one hell of a great time."

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How do you stop a dog from humping your leg? Suck it off

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Why don't pygmies use tampons? They keep tripping on the string.

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