I can always tell if a woman has a good sense of humour. Just by feeling her breasts.

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My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner. ....so I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

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What does paying for a sandwich and paying for a hooker have in common? Both could have been prevented if your wife was doing her job

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Princess Eugenie has given birth to a baby girl in Lisbon. Sarah Ferguson spoke to her daughter on a Facetime call shortly afterwards saying "Ooh, she's so pretty Eugenie, I can see your father in her!" Eugenie replied "Can you really?" "Yes," replied Sarah, "Probably the first time he gets to babysit!"

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A black man was given a twenty five year jail sentence at Crown Court today for something he didn't do. Wipe his fingerprints off the gun.

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My wife said she's leaving me because she's never seen me sober. Fucking hell, I got married?

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The BBC are to screen a new documentary about life in an average household in Bradford. 101 Damn Asians starts on Monday at 9pm.

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A ticket inspector banged on the door of the train toilet and said "where's your ticket?" I shouted FFS I'm having a shit! " He said" I don't believe you, pass it under the door" I said "there you go, the yellow bits are sweetcorn"

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My doctor told me that I have xenophobia. I'll bet I caught it off some Paki cunt.

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What's blue and orange, and at the bottom of a swimming pool? A kid with flat arm bands

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A customer just asked me if we sold condoms. I said we don't, but have you tried Boots? He said yes, but it dribbles out of the lace holes.

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After a prostate exam, the doctor quickly leaves and a nurse enters with a worried look. She whispers the words no man wants to hear: "Who the fuck was that guy?".

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My wife has learning difficulties. She's a woman.

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A woman who stabbed 4 men in Covent Garden has been arrested, with Police saying she was mentally ill. So she was a Muslim?

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How many policemen does it take to push a nigger down the stairs? None he fell.

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I said to the chemist "can I have some Viagra please" He said "have you got a prescription?" I said "no, but here's a picture of my wife"

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Harry and Meghan sailed around a remote island during a secret trip to Scotland. But not quite secret enough to avoid publicity photos.

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98 days ago I found a centipede in my garden, and I've been slowly torturing it ever since. It's on its last legs now.

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At the Library today I asked if they had any books on childbirth. The Librarian said “Try over there in the C section”.

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When does an Italian woman allow you to piss on her face? When her moustache is on fire.

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Jokes about incest, child abuse and suicide are not funny. My daughter died that way.

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The police stopped me last night as I was driving home. They said "have you had a drink tonight?" I said yes, 6 pints of Guinness, four whiskey chasers, and a few sambuca shots" They said "blow into this please" I said "what for, don't you believe me?"

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Simon Cowell really puts the turd in Saturday.

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I have to say, I was disappointed by the efforts made this year to mark International Women's Day. My local strip club only had a couple of foreign birds on, and frankly their tits were nothing to write home about.

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I walked past a homeless guy in a doorway and dropped a few quid in his cup. A passerby said "you shouldn't give them money, some of them have their own homes" I said "not this one, I evicted him last week"

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It's a bit cloudy today. I should see a urologist.

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I'm a producer for the BBC. I don't work there, I just have eight kids.

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If you're ever attacked by a bear, simply lie down and play dead. It's good practice for what's coming next.

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"Grasshopper, when you can snatch the pebble from my hand, it will be time for you to lea....." "Bastard......best of three?"

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I phoned my mate to ask if he thought it's okay to wank over my ex-wife. "Sure," he said. "It's not as if she'll ever know." "She might," I replied. "I mean, she's asleep at the moment, but...." "You mean you're actually in her room?" he said, shaken. "Christ mate, she'd better not wake up!!" Great. I was already feeling guilty about the wank, now he tells me I've got to kill her as well.

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I got into a lift in London, only to find there were half a dozen black youths in it. When the doors closed the one nearest the panel said, 'Yo, what button you want me to push, white boy?' I replied, 'The one with the bell on it, please.'

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Why's a 16 year old like a five pound note? They're both legal and they're both tender.

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I want my kids to have everything I never had. Unfortunately for them, I never had an abusive father.

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I was scrolling through some disgusting child abuse videos on the dark web and I thought "this is great, no ads"

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Why do niggers never play hide and seek. Because nobody would look for them.

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How do Welsh people find their sheep in very tall grass? Absolutely irresistible

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"And there's morgue"

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I saw an old mate in the pub. I said "how are things?" He said"great, my business has just floated" I said "oh, have you tried eating more fiber?"

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After years of trying I finally managed to contact my father through a psychic medium. ' Is that really you Dad? ' ' Yes,son. ' ' I'll just put your mother on. '

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My 14-year-old daughter came out of her room in a top and shorts that left little to the imagination. I said, 'And where do you think you're going dressed like that, young lady?' 'I'm going down the park with my mates, and you can't stop me!' 'The hell you are! Go to your room and take those off right now!' 'Up yours, Dad! I'm not having you tell me I can only go out if I get changed into something you approve of, you old prude!' 'I don't recall saying anything about getting changed into something else.'

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Went dogging last night,never again. When I got home my car was like a painter's radio.

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Top Ugandan footballer killed by teen muggers armed with paving stones. 'On me 'ead, son!'

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If you're ever attacked by a bear, simply lie down and play dead. If you’re not sure how to do this, here is a demonstration video of my ex-girlfriend during sex.

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Why do I have to prove who I am when paying a bill? Do random people try paying my bills, and if so, why don't you let them?

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I saw a bloke on crutches today, wearing a camouflage suit. I thought "you can hide, but you can't run"

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Butler: "Sir your daughter's just had a baby" Andrew Windsor: "Ah about time. Chip off the old block"

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Someone asked me if I've ever tried to commit suicide. I replied "Loads of times but has you can see I'm not very good at it".

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Lloyds of London once claimed to be the world's largest insurance company. The claim was later dismissed, along with all the others.

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Do you want to play Hyde and Sikh? It’s like normal hide and seek but I turn in to a monster then stab you to death with a kirpan.

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My wife said our relationship was becoming stale and boring. I nearly dropped a stitch.

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