I came up behind my wife and started squeezing her tits, hoping to get lucky. But I didn't find any lumps.

1 comment

We call my grandad "Spiderman" he hasn't got any special powers, he just can't get out of the bath.

0 comments

My grief counselor died last week. She was that good at her job, I didn't give a fuck

0 comments

As we were undressing in the hotel room the prostitute said to me; 'Just so you know from the start, I don't do anal. Not for extra money, not for anything.' I replied, 'You know what? You're the worst fucking rent boy I've ever picked up.'

0 comments

I'm old enough to remember the good old days, when you could still find porn mags in bushes. And bushes in porn mags.

0 comments

My mate Dave and I were hiking through the jungle in Cambodia. Suddenly I saw a metallic disc on the ground. I bent down to pick it up, and Dave shouts "stop!!! That's a mine!!!" I replied "hell no!! Finders keepers!! And why you suddenly speaking like an Italian??"

0 comments

How do you make a black man nervous? Take him to an auction.

0 comments

A lass I know posted on Facebook; 'My toddler nearly made it under the garden fence today! Lol, wood and nails will be out first thing tomorrow!' Bloody hell, crucifixion's a bit harsh.

0 comments

Most of the rock legends of the 60s and 70s died young because of their utterly reckless behaviour. Jim Morrison used to snort huge amounts of cocaine. Keith Moon washed down his anti-alcoholism pills with champagne. And Marc Bolan let his missus drive.

0 comments

I got fired from the advertising agency for proposing a new KFC slogan: The taste so savoury you'll forget about slavery!

0 comments

I sat near some Chavs on the bus home today. For the whole journey it was just 'F this' and 'F that'. Guess they had to discuss their exam results sometime.

0 comments

Always remember when we went to see Evel Knieval's brother Klu Klux Knieval. He ran over 52 niggers with a steam roller.

0 comments

I'm so glad the world cup is on. I can hang my England flag without being accused of being a fucking racist.

1 comment

I took a girl back to my house for sex last night. After going upstairs, I slowly removed my clothes and climbed under the quilt. "You'll have to be really quiet," I whispered, "My mum & dad are asleep." "I can see that," she said, "Have you not got your own bed?"

0 comments

When I'm driving my ice cream van around the streets, my biggest fear is that one day the real ice cream van will turn up at the same time.

0 comments

Spiders are like girls. I only feel all right about touching the little ones.

0 comments

I fell asleep with my phone under my pillow. The next morning my phone was gone and there was a pound coin in its place. Fucking Bluetooth fairy!

0 comments

What is the difference between a pair of Levi jeans and an Ethiopian woman? There is only one fly in the crotch on a pair of Levi's.

0 comments

I really hope England wins. Not the World Cup, I mean us versus the Muslims.

0 comments

Why did the Paki cross the road? Dunno, but both sides of the road smell funny now.

0 comments

Just got myself one of those expensive diver's watches. Couldn't carry the drowned cunt's SCUBA tanks though.

0 comments

I upset a girl once who'd just been raped by telling a joke about rape. Well, I say a joke, it was more a sarcastic comment really as I was doing my flies up.

0 comments

I met my girlfriend when I brought a baby pigeon with a broken wing to their animal rescue group. Catching the pigeon was the hard part.

0 comments

Found a documentary box set about the making of The Vagina Monologues. I'm minge-watching it.

3 comments

I saw a sign today that said, 'Watch for Children.' I thought, 'That sounds like a fair trade,' but apparently, that’s not what it meant.

0 comments

My granddad downed nineteen aircraft during his military service in World War Two. He's actually still famous as the worst mechanic the RAF ever had.

0 comments

I was involved in a very traumatic and violent mugging. On the plus side I got a nice watch and 20 quid.

0 comments

Being kissed in your sleep is the purest form of love unless you're home alone or in prison.

0 comments

Been watching Portugal playing Congo, and I'm sorely disappointed. Didn't see a single one of them drinking UmBongo.

0 comments

I never see any niggers out jogging round our estate. They must be using Persil. It stops coloureds running.

0 comments

My new girlfriend is an insufferable, teetotal vegan. She never shuts up about animal rights and eats nothing but fruit, nuts, legumes and wholegrain muesli. On the plus side she is very skinny. And her shit tastes great!

0 comments

Women are like spiders. I don't mind seeing one or two from time to time, but the big hairy ones can fuck right off.

0 comments

Teacher asked the children in her class "If your mother was a cartoon character who would she be"? Little Mary says "My mummy would be Cinderella because she looks just like a princess". Little Lucy says "My mummy would be Penelope Pitstop because she's a brilliant driver". Little Johnny says "My mum would be called Kung Fu Panda" so the teacher asked "Why is that Johnny". He replied. "You should see the black eyes my dad gave her when he came home early and caught her sucking off the window cleaner".

0 comments

Is it "For fuck's sake" or "For fuck sake"? It's for a work email so it has to sound professional.

0 comments

'Mum, what's for dinner?' 'Spaghetti Bollock Knees.' 'You mean Spaghetti Bolognese?' 'No, I've been to Aldi.'

0 comments

Just seen this nigger walking across a zebra crossing and he was saying "Now you see me, now you don't, now you see me, now you don't".

0 comments

I just read that you're 80% more likely to get attacked at night. That’s why I only rape during the day. Stay safe out there!

0 comments

I once hired a professional dominatrix. She wanted fifty quid for the hour, but I managed to talk her up to a hundred.

0 comments

During WW2 my grandad flew a Spitfire against the Germans. Meanwhile my grandma got spitroasted by the Americans.

0 comments

At the cinema last night, for a laugh I flicked a few peanuts at a lass sitting a few rows in front of me. She didn't half overreact! Well, the paramedics called it Anaphylactic Shock.

0 comments

I've just ordered and paid for a stripper for my wife's birthday I hope she likes her.

0 comments

I've started a women's only gym so they don't have to deal with all the creepy guys hitting on them while they work out. Just ignore the sounds coming from behind the mirrors.

0 comments

Did you know that before they were famous, the members of Blondie all worked at the suicide hotline? They weren't very good. They left me hanging on the telephone. (Yes, yes, fine. I'll fuck off)

0 comments

I rang my mate this morning and asked what he was doing. He replied "probably failing my driving test"

0 comments

A few years back, I arranged to meet a policeman via a chat room. When I opened the door to meet them, there was a 12 year old girl standing there.

0 comments

Coming soon to Amazon Prime: Clarkson Buys the Farm

0 comments

I've often wondered, if I was stuck on a desert island with a gay guy, no women around, no animals, and every day we are both working really hard to survive and getting leaner and more muscular, if one night a crate of whisky washes up and we were really drunk sitting by the fire underneath the stars... How long before I killed him and cooked him on the fire?

2 comments

Guy walks out of a public toilet in a London park as another fella is a walking in. "I'd give that 20 minutes, mate, if I were you!' "Aw, you dropped a reeker? A stinker?" "Nah. I just murdered a prostitute."

0 comments

What was Jeffrey Dahmer's favourite dinner? Mr Faggot's Brains.

0 comments

Trump faces criticism over White House UFC event. Changed times, indeed. That gaudy spectacle had none of the grace and dignity of the Obamas' KFC event.

0 comments