I won first place in a political correctness competition the weekend... Though to be fair, so did everyone else.

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Why is vodka clear? So the Russians can tell it isn't their tap water.

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Every week, hundreds of sex offenders have go to the police station. To start work.

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'Alpacin Caffeine shampoo, German engineering for your hair' Anyone else concerned about trusting German shower products?

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It's no wonder our politicians don't prosecute or deport illegal immigrants, grooming gangs, etc. They have far more pressing matters to address, like going through a long legal process in order to cancel the execution of a woman who was hanged for murder seventy years ago.

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Massive congratulations to Andy Burnham who today takes office as Britain's last Labour Prime Minister!

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Angela Rayner has pledged to end homelessness in the UK within the next three years. Labour will build more bridges for them to sleep under.

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What's the difference between a military base and a school? Don't ask me, I only fly the drone.

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Our grandparents fought Nazis so that we could be called Nazis for believing what they believed. (Mine from the old site)

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If you had to choose between rescuing Keir Starmer from a burning building or making a sandwich, what bread would you use?

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Andy Burnham's father Roy has died. So now he can push the death taxes through.

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As Starmer's premiership collapses, several MPs have been desperately trying to shore up support for the beleaguered Prime Minister. 'We fully support Sir Keir staying in post and maintain complete confidence in his ability to deliver us a working majority in the 2029 elections,' a spokesman for the Reform Party said yesterday.

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The BBC’s profile of Andy Burnham is so fawning, Japanese television had to pixelate it.

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What's red and fucks grannies? The Labour Party

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I watched a film about woke women over-reacting to compliments. Despicable #MeToo

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Jack and Jill went up the hill So they could vote Labour. Now Jack and Jill have moved house 'Cause they got a pedo for a neighbour.

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I can only agree with Peter Mandelson when he says that Number 10 needs "a complete revamp." I mean, those curtains, darling. And with that wallpaper.

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Kanishka Narayan is Britain’s new AI minister. Great choice. If anyone can put Shabana Mahmood in a bikini, it’s him.

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I saw Kier Starmer in Ikea today. Must have been looking for a new cabinet

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Found an old lamp whilst I was out walking yesterday.When I gave it a rub a big genie popped out and granted me three wishes. For my first wish I asked the genie to make Keir Starmer the worst Prime Minister in British History. The genie told me I still had three wishes left.

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I'm not saying I'm psychic; But I ordered a giant "ANDY BURNHAM IS A WANKER!" printed banner before the Labour leadership election was even announced 🥹

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Forget disposable barbeques. What we want is disposable prime ministers.

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Fantastic to see Andy Burnham's response to criticism from Lord Blunkett He's put his fucking guide dog on bricks

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Why did the chicken cross the road? Cos it had been kicked out of Downing Street for the last time and had an appointment with two Ukrainian rent boys

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Today's Guardian: 'Nominate your invertebrate of the year' I'm gonna say Keir Starmer.

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I hate Nigel Farage so much I've been getting up early just to hate him for longer.

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The Army have named a new autonomous weapon after Keir Starmer. They call it a nasal drone. ... When Starmer got married he asked for a cake with two tiers. ... Every time Starmer orders food from a restaurant menu, the kitchen staff start cooking two meals in case he u-turns on his decision. ... Excuse the multiple jokes. I have to unload all my Starmer related material before the cunt fucks off tomorrow.

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Opinion piece in today's Independent: 'Wes Streeting has proved he’s no bottler – now it’s uphill all the way' Couple of mistakes there, allow me... 'Wes Streeting has proved he’s a botter – now it’s uphill gardening all the way'

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In a final bid to save his premiership, Keir Starmer is changing his name to Nigel Lowe.

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Keir Starmer has brought Gordon Brown and Harriet Harman into his team. It's good to know he's looking to the future.

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It might seem impossible to come up with a narrative about the pro-European and pro-immigration left wing, and how today's results are a disaster for Farage and the racist far right extremists who voted for him. So spare a thought for BBC copy writers tonight.

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Rachel Reeves is touring Wales in her chauffeur driven car. The chauffeur forgets about the 20 mph limit and is speeding at 21mph. Suddenly a cow jumps over the hedge right in front of the car and is killed. She orders the chauffeur to go and tell the farmer. He is gone for 6 hours. When he gets back he is drunk with his hat missing, his hair ruffled and with a huge grin on his face. What happened to you she demands you’ve been gone hours. He replies the farmer opened his best bottle of whiskey for me, his wife cooked me a stunning meal and his daughter made love to me. What on earth did you tell him she demanded, I said I was Rachel Reeves chauffeur and I’ve killed the cow.

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I envy left wing people. I have to spend £50 on drugs or alcohol to act retarded. They don't have to pay a penny.

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Did you know Jeremy Corbyn has a tattoo? It's on his lampshade.

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The village of Piddington have voted in a referendum to leave the UK. Shockingly 285 voted to leave and a measly 26 voted to remain. Residents are currently packing up all of the belongings of the 26 remainers and arranging for them to be moved in with 3000 illegal immigrants formally planned for rehousing.

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Just watching that docu-drama about John Worboys the black cab rapist. Boris Johnsons wife was one of his victims and says she often thinks of him. Mainly to take her mind off things when Boris is heaving up and down on top of her.

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Communism. It's not for everyone.

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To get to the Polling station I had to do several U turns..!

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Keir Starmer's personal security budget (paid by the taxpayer) is £10 000 000. Has he ever considered just not being such a cunt.

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Farage declares victory. Farage gave Binface a real scare!!

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"President swapped flights by hiding in food container" The first time this has happened since it was done by Barack Oburger.

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Uncle of Ann Widdecombe suspect says he 'nearly fell to floor' over arrest. Oh no, did he also clutch his pearls? Did he drop his handbag? Did all his tampons fall out of it?

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Andy Burnham says Ann Widdecombe’s death requires a serious review of MPs’ security. That review will be reviewed by a subcommittee, overseen by a select committee and referred to an independent commission on political toxicity. Its conclusion will be that the locks were adequate, but whiteness somehow got through the window.

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The Greens want to measure the average emissions per meal by introducing “legal sustainability standards for food procurement”, which would “ensure the prioritisation” of vegan foods, which produce fewer emissions than animal products. My experience is that walking behind a vegan can be aromatic... How are they going to measure output - personal wind farms?

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Australian PM Anthony Albanese claims that the Manosphere causes anal tearing.

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What's the difference between current news headlines and political agendas? They're both thinly veiled marketing exercises.

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Sir Kier Starmer.... From U-turn to U-bend

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The only thing Keir Starmer delivered faster than broken promises was his own exit.

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Scottish politics: Alex Salmond. Nichola Sturgeon. Smells a bit fishy to me!

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"Any chance we can migrate all the Rosie Jones jokes from Sicki onto here?" "Ermm. I'm not sure Mr Burnham. Maybe let's focus on getting you into parliament first shall we?"

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I got Rupert Lowe to help me fix a crashed computer. He restored it to 1930.

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Keir Starmer is as much use as a woodpecker with a rubber beak.

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Russia has threatened Britain and said that it would pay after Ukraine used UK drones to hit targets in Russia. But first, can we buy some of your drones, please?

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Israel says it has lost one of its greatest friends, Lindsey Graham. Iran has asked everyone to respect the family’s privacy during this incredibly deniable period.

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The Clacton byelection should be interesting, with only two candidates. Count Binface vs Cunt Frogface.

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Donald Trump admits he didn't know what a red card in football was. Although many women have shown me one, he added

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"Banned From Heaven is fucking ace. Free of that prick Wasp and a genuine sick bastard community. It's been so refreshing" "Sorry what? Oh yeah...... ..............And when I leave the biggest job in the country, I shall spend more time on the most important job: being the best husband I can to my fantastic wife Vic, who has been a rock by my side through good times and bad, and being the best dad I can to my beautiful children, who are my pride and my joy. Thank you very much"

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Kier fucking Starmer About as useful as halal pork

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George Bush dies and is sent to hell. Satan explains to George Bush that hell is overcrowded and that he needs to evict someone else to make room. "i'll give you a choice" says Satan, and George is shown 3 rooms. In the first room is J.F.K. being stretched on a rack. "If you choose this room" says Satan, "you will be tortured on the rack forever. "Don't fancy that" says George, and he is shown the second room. Behind the next door is Richard Nixon who is being savaged by rabid baboons. "If you choose this room" says Satan, "you will be mutilated by rabid baboons forever" "that doesn't appeal either" says George and Satan opens the final door. George Bush jumps for joy as he sees Bill Clinton being blown off by Monica Lewinsky forever. "I'll take this one!" says George "this one!" Satan shrugs and says "OK Monica, you can go...."

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Turned on CNN this morning and saw video of fireworks across the globe, and people partying in the streets of New York, London, Sydney. I thought to myself: "wow! Is he dead?". Then remembered it was New Year.

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Towards the end of the TV marathon, Putin was asked a series of quickfire questions, touching on his views on friendship, religion, the motherland and love at first sight. He said he believed in love at first sight - then added that he himself was in love, without divulging any more details. So there you have it. Putin is in love with Trump.

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Election Issues: People say we need more police officers. Sarah Everard's family are like eh...

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A pal of mine was telling me down the pub that he couldn't decide whether to vote Labour or Tory "I guess I'm a floating voter?", he pondered "Nah mate", I said, "You're just a floater"

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The BBC says the Strait of Hormuz is the fragile artery keeping Western civilisation alive. Mainly because “Trump causes slight inconvenience near some water” wasn’t frightening enough.

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Online misinformation was spread recently that the Ukrainians who set fire to Keir Starmer's properties were angry rent-boys targeting him over unpaid bills. Thankfully these smears have been discredited as the government was able to produce dozens of witnesses who testified that Sir Keir has always paid his rent-boys on time and in full from his parliamentary expenses account.

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Who's the fastest reader in the world? Norman Tebbit - 5 storeys in 3 seconds

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Why does Melania always go on top when she shags Donald? Coz Donald Trump can only fuck up!

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I was browsing OnlyFans when a new woman's profile was recommended to me - "Satan's Whore" "Fucking Hell, Kamala is on OnlyFans now ?"

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Trump attacked Venezuela. He threatened to invade Greenland. He's going to send ICE to Italy.... He's really disrespecting his idol by not invading Poland.

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Labour MPs …because not all gimps wear a mask

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I'm glad to see King Charles hosting a state visit with Germany's president. Cheers, big ears!

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Coming up: the Tory party leadership contest. Conservative members get their chance to pick who will lead them to defeat against Nigel Farage in 2029.

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It’s no wonder sir Queer Stoma thinks he’s almighty. Whenever anyone sees him coming towards them, they cover their eyes and say out loud, “Oh God!!!”

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So the slaggy girl on my street will be able to be as well off as a working couple earning £70,000 a year from next April but somehow I'm the one in the wrong for telling everyone she's in the confectionary business. Well, technically I may have used the terms 'jelly-belly-babies' and 'niggerish allsorts' but let's not split hairs here.

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