People who post comments entirely in upper case want executing. Bring back capital punishment.

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My mate Dave and I were hiking through the jungle in Cambodia. Suddenly I saw a metallic disc on the ground. I bent down to pick it up, and Dave shouts "stop!!! That's a mine!!!" I replied "hell no!! Finders keepers!! And why you suddenly speaking like an Italian??"

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Pervert psycho breaks into a laundry fucks 2 women and runs off. Headline. Nut screws washers and bolts

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Dyslexic lives mattress.

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My three favourite things are eating out my friends and not using commas.

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I organised a night out for survivors of female genital mutilation, but none of them could come.

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News: Brazilian woman without a safety cord attached falls 130ft to her death in bungle jump.

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I fell asleep with my phone under my pillow. The next morning my phone was gone and there was a pound coin in its place. Fucking Bluetooth fairy!

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A dwarf psychic goes into a bookies with a sawn off and robs the place and flees. The headline reads Small medium at large

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Not an original. Heard it somewhere. Boy said to his mate "Walked past your house earlier. Your mum reminds me of a bond girl." "Very funny don't tell me Pussy Galore" "No but funnily enough she was On A Blackman"

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I went to a fetish restaurant last night. I got toed in the hole.

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I was born with a rare medical condition - I only had a single bum cheek. I had an operation to correct the problem, and I can't thank the surgeons enough. They made a complete arse of it.

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I can't believe that, in this day and age, no-one has managed to come up with a cure for anorexia. I thought it'd be a piece of cake.

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Is it "For fuck's sake" or "For fuck sake"? It's for a work email so it has to sound professional.

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My son took his first steps this morning.. the window cleaner is fucking furious

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I was going to have a brain transplant... but then I changed my mind.

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My partner was confused and irritated when I ordered 20 desks and a blackboard for our flat. I just wanted to make the place a bit more classy.

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What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.

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My dad used to slave 12 hours a day to put food on the table I've never known a man cook so fucking slowly.

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My wife is a true patriotic Scot. She burns supper every night.

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'Nothing rhymes with orange.' No it fucking doesn't.

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Man dies after falling from Eleventh Night bonfire in east Belfast. His family and friends paid tribute to him, saying 'He really was a great Guy.'

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A guy comes up to me and shouts AGNB in my face. I say "hey, thats bang out of order"

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People who use selfie sticks really need to take a good long look at themselves

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One for our older readers: I was in the pub with my wife. She said "stop looking at that bar maids bust" I said "I hadn't really noticed dear, I'll have pint of Titbread Wankard please"

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Stephen Bear jailed for breaching restraining order against Georgia Harrison. In his defence he did not harass Joan Lennon or Paula McCartney.

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Two cigarettes are sitting in the pub. Another cigarette walks in and sits down. The one leans over to his mate and says, "Don't mess with him. He's menthol."

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I shouted at the French guy, who was about to stab me, "Mercy!" "You're welcome," he replied.

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"canape" A bankrupt Scotsman

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I work in genetic engineering, but the pay isn't great. I made a monkey last week.

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Edinburgh woman critical in hospital, after the lower half of her body caught on fire in the street. Well, it's the right weather for wearing hotpants.

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I accidentally drank some invisible ink. I'm now in hospital waiting to be seen.

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Protesters outside Portsmouth hotel mistake Pakistan U19 cricket team for asylum seekers. They really were keen to see them out.

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I heard they just fired a policeman, Officer Neil Neck fired cos of his name!

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I was walking past a farm and a sign said "Duck, Eggs." I thought "That's an unnecessary comma." And then it hit me...

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Venison used to be a cheap meat, but now it's dead dear

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The first bus in Britain to be powered by human excrement ran from Bristol to Bath on the Number 2 route (yes, really). Came out of a shithole, too.

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When it comes to star signs, us Capricorns are the Greatest Of All Time.

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I drank some wkd with ice in it. It was wicked.

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What's red and sits in a fish bar. Abortion of chips.

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The driver of that locomotive in Bedfordshire was fully trained.

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Adding a colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example: Bob ate Jane's sandwich. Bob ate Jane's colon.

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Why do bears shit in the woods? Well all the leaves are brown.

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My wife's got a new job at the local bread bakery. Should be perfect for the kneady cow.

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I lost the rag with my wife this morning when she burned my breakfast. I'm black toast intolerant.

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Q. What's 12" long and snaps a cunt? A. A selfie stick

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I've been trying to give up pornography, but some of the stuff on the Internet makes it very hard for me.

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Epstein Files. Will Andy Burnham?

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I was in a posh wine bar last night, this gorgeous young blonde with big tits in a slinky dress was giving me the eye so I went over and asked her name. She said "Chantelle." I said "Well if that's your attitude fine!" and stormed out.

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Two piles of sick are walking down the road, when one starts crying. The other asks what's wrong, and the crying one replies "Nothing, it's just this is where I was brought up".

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Paedophiles are fucking immature assholes...

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I've always liked learning new synonyms. Last night, at a wine tasting, I learnt that 'sophisticated palate' means exactly the same thing as 'pretentious cunt.'

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The salesman said, "This sofa will seat five people without any problems." "Fucking hell," I thought, "Where am I supposed to find five people without any problems."

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I went for a job with the RSPB. The interviewer asked me what could I tell them about Barn Swallows. Didn't he invent the Bouncing Bomb?

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I bought a jack in the box for 50p. But it doesn't work. Why am I not surprised.

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'...I used to date a girl called Lorraine, but I dumped her. Now, I date a girl called Clara. I would now like to sing a beautiful song entitled, "I can see Clara now Lorraine has gone." (From my former standup)

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' I can't understand why people keep making fun of my name, ' said Mahkunt Izitchi. ' I know how you feel, ' replied Moe Lester.

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Teens walk in groups of three, five, and seven because they literally can't even.

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My mate bet me I wouldn't eat some yellow snow. It was a piece of piss.

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After getting my SIA licence I got a new job as a stationary bodyguard. Just standing there for hours. I assumed I was going to be on some kickass protection mission with some high ranking officials. Instead I'm just stood here. I mean who gives a shit about pencils, rulers, rubbers and sharpeners anyway?

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Nothing beats slipping into clean, crisp underwear. Although the salt and vinegar can really sting your bollocks.

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What do you call four gay guys having an orgy but none of them will take it up the arse? The Four Tops

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I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81. He said, 'No.'

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I just watched an Australian cooking show and the audience cheered when the chef made meringue. I was surprised...usually Australians boo meringue.

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What a con. Lollipop men aren't actually made of lollipops if you run one over

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Talk about missing a trick. Sarah Cox and Joey Ball both work on Radio 2 The Cox and Balls Show.

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I went to see my wife in hospital and took her flowers. My girlfriend will love them.

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My wife found out I’d replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the roof.

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'Do you know your blood type?' 'O Positive.' 'Are you sure?' 'Oh, positive.'

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I met a sailor in the pub, I asked if he liked the job. He said yes I've travelled the world and with the money I earned I bought a 5 bedroom house with 10 acres of land, 5 cars including a Ferrari and a Porsche, I've got a beautiful bisexual wife with massive tits, I've put all 3 of my kids through university and I'll be retiring before I'm 50. I said how can you afford all that on a sailor's salary? He said, well I work for Cunard.

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A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious". Roland the class swot gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious." "Well done, Roland," says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?" Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious." "Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?" Little Irish Patrick jumps up and says in a broad accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."

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Apparently Jim Jefferies uses too much seasoning when preparing food. Someone told me he's a Liberal cook.

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Every frank discussion I've ever had sucked. Why is Frank such a massive cunt?

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I don't get these Christians who say homosexuality is an abomination. It's right there in the Bible, Jesus rode the ass all round Bethlehem.

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A man takes his daughter with him to the barber shop. She's happily eating a snack cake while her father sits in the chair. Unfortunately, she keeps getting closer and closer so she can see what's going on, but she's mostly getting in the barber's way. Barber: "Honey, watch out now, I need some room." The girl steps back a bit, only to come closer within a minute or two, still eating the snack cake. Barber: "Look out now, you're in the way." Again, the girl steps back, but comes closer again shortly afterward. Finally the barber has had enough. Needing to get her to stay out of his way, he says with frustration, "You know, you're going to get hair on your Twinkie." To which the young girl perks up and replies, "I know, and I'm gonna get boobs, too!"

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Missing girl 'found safe and well'. I'm guessing the well had water in it, but what was in the safe?

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What brown, runny, and hides in the loft? The diarrhoea of Anne Frank.

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The chap who invented the speed boat has died. After his funeral there will be a wake.

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Surnames often describe what your ancestors did in the past. I wonder if that's why David Dickinson has never been on Who Do You Think You Are?

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Darth Vader had an awesome suit. It cost him an arm and a leg.

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'...Checking in for a flight, the check-in girl said, "You're in the wrong line." I said, "Well where's MY line?" "Fuck You", she said. "Excuse me?" came back my angered response. Pointing to her left, she said, "Far queue." "Mmmm! That's alright then." Because I was about to phone the ambulance for her.

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Apparently Chris Eubank has been short listed to be the next James Bond. Personally, I don't think he's cut out for the thecret thervith.

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Village People singer dies following 'short, aggressive illness'. You Mean Caught Aids?

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US man who claims to have world’s smallest penis launches fundraiser for enlargement surgery. Put a little something in.

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I was going to post a gag about flagellation, necrophilia and bestiality, but it's just flogging a dead horse.

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The gorgeous blonde doctor wrote her address on a piece of paper and slipped it in my pocket. I'll be fucked if I can read it.

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My mate who works for the RAC, has been off work for 6 weeks with stress. I think he's had a breakdown.

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The wife wants to sell our old Chinese bowl but it has a few chips in it. She'll have to wait until I've eaten them.

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What was the man in the iron mask's favourite food? Walled-off salad.

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Hello Mr Seaman. Good morning Mrs Windass, I see you are here with Mrs Belcher. Is Mr Woodcock okay? I'm afraid he woke up rather stiff this morning, so I have asked Miss Hooker to look after him. I was chatting to Mr Dickins earlier and he said that he and Miss Hooker regularly meet up. Well she is usually with Mr Cox. Do you happen to know if Mr Cummings is coming? I'll just check with Mrs Adcock. And do you know what time the Deed Poll Dodgers Society meeting starts please?

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Antonio Banderas O no, an arse bandit

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I once dated a chiropractor. She was a real head-turner.

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Communists confuse valuation with wealth. Tech bros confuse valuation with value.

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Don't you just hate it when people think there clever but use the wrong grammar?

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I never order shrimp-fried rice. Call me old-fashioned, but I like my food to be prepared by a human.

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I witnessed a miracle yesterday. A blind carpenter picked up a hammer and saw.

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Dances With Wolves star Nathan Chasing Horse sentenced to life in prison. Don't try drugs, kids,,,

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Little boy: Mummy, can I lick the bowl clean? Mother: No, flush it like everyone else!

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How do you confuse an Irishman? Tell him even though it says sparkling on the label, it's still water.

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I was playing in the park with my daughter when a kid ran up to me and slapped me round the face with a slice of cheese.. I said how dairy

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