I saw a post on my local community group on Facebook: 'MISSING: Our 3-year-old tabby cat, Oscar. He is recently neutered, wears a collar bell to alert birds, and we feed him a vegan diet.' I replied, 'And you're surprised he fucked off?'

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My dog bit a black guy the other day so the police told me to have him chipped. You should see the difference, he now operates at 16 Nigger bytes a second.

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98 days ago I found a centipede in my garden, and I've been slowly torturing it ever since. It's on its last legs now.

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Confusion over events involving a boy and a crocodile in Huntingdon. Things weren't helped by a dog stealing his sausages while onlookers shouted "that's the way to do it."

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Got sacked from the zoo yesterday for leaving the lion's cage open. Who the fuck is gonna steal a lion?

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I've bought my little lad a hamster for his birthday. It's not a long-term thing though. It's the cat's birthday next week.

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What's red, white, fluffy and sits in a tree? Sanitary Owl

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I ran out of toilet paper earlier, so I had to say 'Goodbye Socks!' It was a daft name for a hamster anyway.

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I wish they would bring back plastic straws. I find it quite tiresome having to strangle turtles with my bare hands.

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I threw a ball for my dog tonight. He looked fucking brilliant on the dance floor in a tuxedo.

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Any zoo is a petting zoo. If you've got the balls.

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Sheep shaggers belong behind baas.

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Chicken is so expensive, I've started catching seagulls. You have to cook them quick though, or they eat all your chips.

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If you leave a dog in a car in this weather, with no water or ventilation, it could be dead in fifteen minutes Leave the heater on as well, wait another thirty minutes and the meat just falls off the bone.

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Q: Why do Welsh race horses run so fast? A: They've seen what happens to the sheep!

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I've put my Rottweiler on a vegan diet. So far, he's eaten three of the cunts.

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How do Welsh people find their sheep in very tall grass? Absolutely irresistible

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Fucking Korean chefs. They make a dog's dinner of everything

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I met my girlfriend when I brought a baby pigeon with a broken wing to their animal rescue group. Catching the pigeon was the hard part.

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Did you know that Kerry Katona doesn’t actually own a cat.

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If it grows hair and has milk..its a mammal...like the coconut..

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I like my steaks rare. Tonight I'm having panda.

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A bear walks into a bar and says "A pint of lager..................and a packet of crisps please". The barman says "Why the big pause?". The bear says "I had a.................stroke a few years ago."

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My wife said she wanted to try a Rampant Rabbit in the bedroom. So I got Flopsy out of his hutch and gave him a few lines of speed.

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There are no bad dogs, just bad cooks. ~Old Korean proverb.

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I took to animal cruelty like a duck to lighter fluid.

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Curiosity killed the cat. My curiosity regarding whether or not cats are amphibious.

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When I was about 14, a Catholic priest took me aside one time. He said, 'Listen to me, my son; every time you pleasure yourself sexually, a kitten dies.' And for years I believed that, but not any more. Now that I've perfected my technique, they often survive.

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I have a habit of ruining the end of films for my family About 10 minutes before it's due to finish I start wanking off the dog

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I asked the waiter how they prepare the chicken. They said they tell the chicken up front they're going to die.

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A dog just chased me up the road on my bike. Fuck knows how it reached the pedals.

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I bought a gun because I have a fear of eagles. "You're getting carried away," said my wife. "Not without a fucking fight I'm not," I replied.

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I've been watching bestiality porn involving women with dogs. Found it on the Bark Web.

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'It's not the size of the dog in the fight that matters, but the size of the fight in the dog.' Try telling that to my neighbour. She hasn't spoken to me since my Rottweiler jumped over the garden fence and bit her Yorkshire Terrier in half at the waist.

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What's pink and drags the ocean floor? Moby's Dick

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The mating call of a Robin: Tweet tweet chirrup. The mating call of an Owl: A twit to woo A twit to woo The mating call of a Blackbird: Ohh, stick it up my ass Leroy!

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My daughter asked why the cat was licking itself. I told her it’s because it’s the only way to get the taste of my cock out of its mouth.

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Why did the pervert cross the road? He had his cock in the chicken

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When she screamed at me, "You've lost the best thing that ever happened to you.", I started panicking. For a moment I thought someone had stolen my dog.

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I've been paying the Cat's Protection League every month for over three years. I only missed two payments and they came around and broke my cat's legs.

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I'm conducting scientific research regarding men having sex with dogs. If anybody wants me I'll be in my lab.

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The best way to get rid of slugs in your garden is to put down a saucerful of beer. The slugs drink the beer and end up shitfaced. Shortly afterwards, in the chip shop: *hic* 'Fish supper please, mate.' 'You want salt on that?' 'Fuck yeah.'

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An elephant said to the camel "Why are your tits on your back"? The camel replied "You can talk you cheeky cunt with your cock hanging off your face"

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Which side of a cat has the most fur? The outside.

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My pet lizard doesn't get a hard on I think the poor cunt has reptile dysfunction.

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I taught my dog to play dead, that way I can satisfy my beastality and necrophilia kinks with just one treat.

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Why do they call the Camel ship of the desert? Because they are full of Arab Seamen

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I have a terrible track record for keeping pets. That's the fourth hamster I've lost so far this year. If it doesn't turn up soon I'm going to A and E.

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A young Greek boy is walking in the hills above his hometown when he happens across an elderly man who is sat on a rock quietly weeping. The boy walks up to the man and asks him what is wrong, he replies: "Look down there to the harbour young man, what do you see? Lots of boats, fishing boats, I made half of those boats with my bare hands. Do they call me Nikos the boat-builder? No they do not! Look to the edge of town, just there, a dozen houses. I built all of those houses from the ground up with just my hands and the sweat of my brow, do they call me Nikos the house-builder? No they do not! One time, one goat . . ."

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When I was young I was very tall. I was as tall as the world's largest bird. But nobody wanted to know me. I was ostrich-sized.

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How did the farmer find the sheep in the tall grass? Satisfying.

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I said to my mate, "Did you know that hamsters die after sex?" "I don't think they do," he replied. "Well, the one I fucked did," I said.

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The teacher called little Johnny to her desk and said, "The essay you wrote about your pet dog is word-for-word the same as your brother's. What do you have to say for yourself?" "Of course it is!" said little Johnny. "It's the same fucking dog!"

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My daughter's kitten died, so I got her another one. Now she's got two dead kittens.

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I don't believe that elephants are being poached in Africa. Those niggers don't have pan big enough or any water.

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My Muslim colleague doesn't understand why women dress up like bunny girls. He said "Why would you want to have sex with a rabbit?"

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I decided to breed a Bloodhound and a Labrador. I ended up with a Blabrador. The cunt won't stop barking.

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A lion, A bear and A chicken All having a competition to see who is the hardest animal in the world. The bear says "when I roar the whole forest shakes". The lion says "That's nothing, when I growl the whole jungle shudders", the chicken says "You pussies, when I cough, the whole fucking world trembles"

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Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70? At 69 she gets a frog in her throat.

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Mickey Mouse is filing for divorce from Minnie. The judge asks: "So Mr. Mouse, you are filing for divorce from Mrs. Mouse on grounds of insanity." "No, Your Honour," Mickey replies, "for infidelity." The judge checks his notes, "But your papers say insanity." "I didn't say she was insane," Mickey explains, "I said she was fucking Goofy."

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Tips from Wales on how to get the most satisfying sex - Wear Wellington boots, you can slip the ewe's back legs into them, stops them running away. Fuck right on the edge of a cliff, makes the ewe push back harder! Always practice safe sex; paint an 'X' on the back of all the sheep who bite or kick!

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"King penguin" A particularly annoying penguin.

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Using only a .22 pistol I survived a grizzly bear attack. My friend, who I shot in the knee, wasn't so lucky.

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I rang the builders yard and said "I'd like 20 yards of sand for delivery please" The guy said "christ, what are you building, a hotel?" I said "no, I won a camel in a raffle"

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Does a fish drink a glass of air?

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A Labrador had to be rescued from Ben Nevis after eating discarded cannabis. He was eventually coaxed down with a GoGo Pizza and garlic & herb dip.

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I read an article earlier that said it actually takes three sheep to make one jumper. I didn't even know the bastards could knit.

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'mum, what's for dinner? " " nibbles' "aawww, I loved that hamster."

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I've noticed that all Disney mermaids have starfish covering their nipples. Starfish have their mouths in the centre of their body. Walt was kinky as fuck.

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They're on a long road trip and can't find anywhere to stay the night. Finally they find a dodgy motel that has some space, but the proprietor tells them the only room left contains one single bed. They agree that two of them will share the bed and the third will sleep outside in the barn. The Jew volunteers to sleep outside, and the Hindu and the Scouser settle down for the night - facing away from one another and trying very hard not to touch. After a while, there's a knock at the door. It's the Jew. "I'm sorry guys, but there's a pig in the barn. Pigs are regarded as unclean animals in my religion and I couldn't possibly share a room with it." So, the Hindu heads out to the barn and the Jew and the Scouser settle down for the night - facing away from one another and trying very hard not to touch. After a while, there's a knock at the door. It's the Hindu. "I'm sorry, but there is a cow in the barn. Cows are regarded as sacred animals in my religion. I couldn't possibly desecrate it with my unholy presence." So, the Scouser heads out to the barn and the Jew and the Hindu settle down for the night - facing away from one another and trying very hard not to touch. After a while, there's a knock at the door. It's the cow and the pig.

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A baby shark asks his dad, "Why do we swim around people and show them our fin before eating them?" "They taste better if you scare the shit out of them first."

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I read a book about an immortal dog. It was impossible to put down.

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I was once bitten on the arse by a German Shepherd, but he apologised afterwards and even introduced me to his dog.

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Just seen a rare bootleg of an old Sinead O'Connor video where she's pleasuring herself by stuffing a meerkat up her snatch Nothing Compares The Market 2U

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Hugo the the Shire horse has entered the record books as the world's tallest living horse at an "abnormal" 6.5ft tall or 19.2 hands. Ok. So how big is his cock?

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There are four blokes in a prison cell together: a zoophile, a sadist, a necrophiliac and an extreme sports enthusiast. The zoophile sighs and says, "You know, if there was a cat here I'd fuck it til I pass out." The sadist nods, and sighs, "And once you were done with it, i'd torture it until it died." The necrophiliac leans in and agrees, "Oh yeah, and once it was dead I'd fuck it til I passed out too." The extreme sports enthusiast, sitting in the corner, very softly says "miaow."

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A drug runner was running his operation out of a crematorium. Getting a tip the cops were on to him, he tried to burn his entire stash in the cremation furnace. The smoke poured out the chimney and into the woods where a flock of terns was roosting for the night. Not a tern was left unstoned.

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What did one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog? "They're right, we DO taste like chicken!"

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A polar bear decides to go to the beach as it is a nice sunny day, after driving for a few hours he almost arrives at his destination then he notices that the oil pressure on his car has started to drop, luckily he noticed he had just driven past a garage so he turns the car round and pulls in, he tells the mechanic the problem, the mechanic tells the polar bear to go off for an hour or so and then come back as he should then know what the problem is. So the polar bear decides to go for a walk down the beach, an hour later the polar bear returns to the garage and find the guy looking at his car, the mechanic says "Looks like you've blown a seal" to which the polar bear says "No I've just eaten an Ice cream".

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A Sloth is ambling through the jungle. Suddenly he's set upon by a gang of snails. The snails beat the shit out of the sloth. Eventually the sloth regains conciousness and makes for the nearest police station. Several hours later he arrives and tells the copper he needs to report anassault. The policeman says: "can you describe your assailents?" to which the sloth replies: "well officer, it all happened so fast..."

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A man walks into his bedroom carrying a sheep. His wife looks horrified. "See? See what I have to bang when you're not in the mood?" The sheep says "Myyyyyyyy god. You weren't lying"

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How do you stop a dog from humping your leg? Suck it off

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Cows can walk upstairs but not downstairs. As first discovered by the horny farmer when his wife came home early.

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(A groaner) Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer is being interviewed on a popular chat show. Host: So, Rudolph, do you get along well with the other reindeer? Rudolph: Oh, they're great. We have so much fun together. Except for this one bxtch. She makes my life miserable Host: Really? Care to tell the audience her name? Rudolph: Sure. It's Olive. Host: Olive? Never heard of a reindeer names Olive. We all know Prancer and Dancer, Comet and Vixen... Rudolph: No! It's Olive. She's so nasty they wrote a song about her. Host: Can you sing it? Rudolph: Sure. "Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names...

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We were in Peru and this strange animal mounted my wife from behind and fucked her up the arse. A Llama? No, she really enjoyed it.

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A dear old lady knocked on the door and ever so politely asked if there was something I could do about my dog's howling when she's on heat so I told the bitch to shut up and get the fuck off my property before I set my dog on her.

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A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

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My kids asked why I put the hamster in the ground while it was still kicking. I told them the only difference between 'dying' and 'dead' is how much dirt you’re willing to shovel on top of the noise.

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Just in. Reaction to the boy who fell into the crocodile enclosure: "It was awful. This thing came near me with it's horrible teeth, foul odour and skin covered in shit", said the crocodile

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A deer comes out of the woods and says "I'll never do that for five bucks again!"

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A man goes into a brothel and says he's looking for something a bit unusual, but he's only got 50p. So the madam takes him to a room at the back and says, "For 50p, you can have an hour with this chicken which has been trained to give blow jobs." It's not quite what he had in mind, but he decides, hey, everything should be tried once except morris dancing and incest, so he spends the next hour attempting to persuade this chicken to suck his cock, eventually coming to the conclusion that the chicken has received absolutely no blow job training whatsoever. However, a week later he decides it was nevertheless an interesting experience, and so he goes back. This time, the madam leads him into a dingy cinema where a group of men are watching a woman cavorting with a goat. "This is amazing," says the man, "I've never seen anything like this before!" Whereupon the man sitting next to him says, "You should have been here last week and seen the guy with the chicken!"

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What do you call a man with his arm up a horse's bum? An Amish mechanic.

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How do you make a cat go woof? Pour petrol on it and throw a match.

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Two guys are walking down the street and see a dog on the lawn, licking his balls. So one guy says to the other, "Man, I sure wish I could do that". The other guy says, "Don't you think you ought to pet him first?"

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A man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt. The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape. (no pun intended.) He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife teases the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him." he says.... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips. Then the husband nabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut. "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

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How do you make a dog drink? Stick it in a blender

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What's got two legs and bleeds ? Half a dog.

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What do you do if a kitten spits at you? Turn the grill down a little.

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What's red and has an arm and four legs? A pitbull in kindergarten.

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"Please send me money so that we can end the suffering of all these poor caged bears!" Crooned the MBE woman on the TV ad. Does this heartless harridan give no thought to the tens of millions of Chinese people who desperately need bear bile in their bogus medicaments?

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