I phoned my boss's mobile. "I'm on the train heading to the south coast now." "What..?" he answered, sounding a bit annoyed. "It's five o'clock in the fucking morning! What are you doing on a train?" "You tell me," I replied. "You're the one who told me to be in Brighton early this morning."

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I saw a middle-aged man in a terrible wig and shouted "Oi, what do you identify as faggot?" As it turns out, it was a really bad start to my trial!

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A man was savagely attacked at The Teddy Bear's Picnic. His condition is said to be improving but he's not out of the woods yet.

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Apparently, North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York, which is a bit scary. If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.

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I accidentally swallowed a load of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.

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Knock knock. Who's there? Doorbell repairman.

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I had a goldfish that could breakdance on the carpet. Only for like 20 seconds. And only once.

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I've just published a book about telekinesis. It's a bestseller, absolutely flying off the shelves

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The first-aid instructor told us to practise mouth-to-mouth. I thought the five-minute struggle meant I was doing it properly. Then she pointed at the mannequin.

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A teacher says to her class, "can anyone give me a .sentence with the word dandelion in it". A little Jamaican lad puts up his hand. "Yes Desmond" says the teacher. "Da cheetah is faster dandelion miss".

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I was sitting in the pub doing a Crossword when I turned to my Scottish mate and said.."I'm stuck on one.. Stranded On An Island, eight letters." "Marooned" He said. "About fucking time" I replied. "I'll have a lager."

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Had this dream I was shagging Karen carpenter and Lena zavaroni. Two birds one stone.

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My doctor's prescribed me some haemorrhoid cream. On the label it says, 'For External Use Only'. My neighbours aren't too chuffed.

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Man who was duct-taped on flight after outburst breaks his silence. He told reporters; 'Mmmmmmf! Mmmmf! Mmmmmfffff!'

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My wife woke up with a big smile on her face this morning. I fucking love felt tip pens.

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There's a poster outside my local Asda that says, 'UK Baby Retailer of the Year'. They never seem to have any out on the shelves.

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A ship was wrecked and the only survivor was a man and his dog . After weeks at sea, the man was starving so he killed and ate the dog. As he sat in the lifeboat staring at a pile of bones, he thought "Rover would have loved those"

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A magician in Queensland, Australia has vanished without a trace in remote wilderness, with armed forces called in to help in the search. Fucking hell, he's good.

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A mermaids vital statistics: 24-36-£4.99 a kilo.

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Someone once called me illiterate. Bollocks. My folks had been married three years when they had me.

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I used to put slug pellets down in my garden, until I read that hedgehogs also eat them and get poisoned. Now I put out a saucerful of beer instead. Anyway, I can't get any sleep now, as my garden is full of pissed-up slugs and hedgehogs singing and fighting all night.

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"And there's morgue"

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I dumped my new girlfriend when she told me she’d slept with a Brazilian. I don’t know how many a Brazilian is, but it sounds like a lot.

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My GP asked whether I had a support network. I gave him the password to next door’s Wi-Fi.

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Graham Garden The Goodie.

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Rowan Atkinson's next film role is to play a comical character who is unable to satisfy his wife. 'Missed her Bean' is showing in cinemas from Friday.

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I visited a brothel once and asked for the Girlfriend Experience. She told me I was dumped for visiting prostitutes.

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Applied for a job as a blacksmith and the interviewer asked if I've ever shoed a horse. I replied "Nope but I've told a couple of donkeys to fuck off".

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Found an old fashioned chip shop and they still wrap your meals in newspaper. Today I got a plaice in the sun.

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A skeleton walks into a bar, and asks for a pint of lager and a mop. Credit to very old joke.

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I went to the restaurant and ordered the octopus the waiter said "It will take about six hours". I said "Why's that"? And he replied "The cunt keeps turning the gas off

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I don't get nihilism What's the point?

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My wife said our relationship was becoming stale and boring. I nearly dropped a stitch.

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The puppeteer behind Zippy on kids' TV show Rainbow has died of cancer. Zippy himself died a lingering death from starvation, when his zipper broke off in the closed position.

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I went to the best ever burger van today, It was so good, it had 4 Michelin tyres.

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What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.

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Paddy the tenant: I've lost me feckin mailbox key Murphy the landlord: Not a problem. I'll get ye a new one 2 weeks later Paddy the tenant: Murphy still no sign of dat key Murphy the landlord: It's in the post

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"Doctor Doctor my nose wont stop bleeding" "Did you pick it" "No I was born with it you daft twat".

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The Bayeux Tapestry is not strictly accurate historically. The whole story has been embroidered. Typically, by the winners. Some say it was a stitch-up!

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I went to the doctor's and told him "That medicine you gave me to make me strong... well I can't get the top of the bottle".

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I hate it when there isn't any toilet paper and you have to do that stupid walk with your trousers around your ankles. Anyway, I'm nearly at the corner shop now.

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I remember when I was at school a policeman came in and did a talk on drugs. We couldn't understand a word he was saying.

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18:54 Arrive at crime scene. 18:54 Examine body. 18:54 Search the area. 18:54 Find the murder weapon. 18:54 Realise watch has stopped.

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Don't get one of those rescue cats. My gran had one, she fell, and the cat just literally sat there and did nothing.

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I dropped an egg onto a concrete floor and it didn't even crack. That's because concrete is really hard.

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"Watson I'm constipated" "No shit Sherlock"?

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My landlord turned up this morning, and started lecturing me about how I need to keep the place cleaner. I sent him away with a flea in his ear.

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I fell on a circular saw and lost the whole left side of my body. I'm alright now.

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My house was repossessed, I ended up selling my arse at Camden Lock, and a rival tramp kicked the shit out of me for rummaging through his bins. That’s the last time I forget my Tesco Clubcard.

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My wife says I’m too impulsive with money. “Don’t be ridiculous.” “He’s not,” said my ex-Mossad bodyguard.

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Wife: I have blisters on my hands from using the broom all day. Husband: Well next time take the car then silly

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Got a handyman to do some work around my house. I gave him a list of what needs doing and all he did was numbers 2,4,6,8. Turns out the cunt doesn't do odd jobs

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My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list. Now I can’t read any of it.

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What you call a bear with no paw? Rupert the bastard!!

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Whilst I was heading home from the pub the woman in front of me started walking a bit faster, so I walked a bit faster. She started to run so I started running. Then she started screaming so I started screaming. I never did find out what was chasing us.

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I know my rights. Every question I was asked, I responded with 'No comment'. Anyway, she doesn't want to go on a second date.

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I beat my wife at dominos the other night. She needs to learn that I choose the pizza toppings.

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I just caught my foreskin in my zip. That's the last time I wear these zip up boots.

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How can you tell if an Essex girl has been at your PC ? Tippex all over the screen !

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Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? A: Wiped his arse.

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I really regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes But again, that's Heinz sight.

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I was in the pub with my date. She said "there's a really hard looking bloke over there that keeps staring at you" I said "don't worry, I know how to look after myself. I only eat vegan and I do yoga three times a week"

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Paddy was walking along the street struggling carrying a wardrobe on his back and across the road Seamus sees him so he shouts over to Paddy."Hey Paddy why didn't you ask your best friend Mick to give you a hand"? Paddy shouts back "He is giving me a hand so he is,.. he's inside carrying the clothes".

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What do Jack the ripper and Thomas the tank engine have in common? Same middle name.

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In Ireland's worst air disaster a two-seater Cessna aeroplane crashed into a graveyard, they've recovered 500 bodies already, digging is set to go through the night.

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A famous artist who had brown fingers. Picasso.

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Was chatting to a chap from the Balkans yesterday, strangely he stabbed me and stole my wallet. Police are still on the search for Monty Negro

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A recent survey has revealed how deeply ignorant the British public is regarding the origins of their food. 7% of those surveyed did not know that Coca-Cola contains sugar 14% of those surveyed did not know that cheese was made with milk And 20% of those surveyed did not know that Marmite is horse semen with food colouring

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If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get? Missile toe

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I was invited to an event hosted by the Nihilist's Club but I didn't think there was any point in going

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Patient "Doctor Doctor every time I drink tea i get a Sharp stabbing pain in my eye". Doctor "Take the spoon out of the mug you daft cunt".

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A woman is crying in the staff room. "What's wrong, Cheryl?" her friend asks. "It's my ex-husband," she sniffs. "The vindictive arsehole?" "Yes," she says tearfully. "He won fifty million on the lottery last week and he just sent me a video captioned: 'I won the lottery last week and now I'M FUCKING RICH!!!!!!'" "So what?" the friend says. "He may have loads of money now but he's still the same sick, revenge-obsessed freak as before. At least you're in a good relationship now and there's nothing that spiteful creep can do to wreck that." "You don't understand," sobs Cheryl. "Rich is my fiance."

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Not saying my luck sucks or anything, but earlier this year I contracted Salmonella. From my fucking Easter egg.

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I was in the fish bar last night. The guy asked if I'd like to order from the AI menu. I said "how? " He said "chat chippy tea"

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What's yellow and looks good on a policeman? A JCB digger.

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Three vampires walk into a bar. One orders a blood on the rocks. Another orders a double blood. The third simply asks for a mug of hot water. "Why didn't you order blood like everyone else?" asks the bartender. The vampire pulls out a tampon and says, "I'm making tea!"

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: Baby cannibal "Mummy I really hate my dad's guts". : Mother cannibal "Well just leave them on the side of your plate".

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A woman goes into the butchers and asked him "Do you keep dripping"? The butcher replied "Yes I do and it's very embarrassing".

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This mean looking cowboy walks into the saloon and asks for a bottle of red-eye. He says to the bartender "I've noticed they are getting the gallows ready outside how they hanging"? The bartender says "well ain't you heard stranger, they is hanging Brown paper Pete". The cowboy asked "why they Call him Brown paper Pete". The bartender tells him "Well ol' Brown Pete he wears a brown paper Stetson hat,a brown paper jacket,a brown paper waistcoat, brown paper chaps right down to his brown paper boots". The cowboy asks "why they hanging him". The bartender replies "For Rustling".

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What's pink and hard? A pig with a flick knife.

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It really amazes me how uncaring and self-centered most people are these days. Just yesterday there was this old man who tumbled down the escalator at the local shopping centre and couldn't get up. Would you believe not a single person stopped to help him? The poor bloke was still there when I left an hour later.

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If SuperGlue is so good, how come we can get the top off in the first place? 🤔

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A friend of mine is a real grammar-Nazi. He had become upset after receiving a succession of poorly worded, badly spelled texts. I comforted him by giving him a hug, patting him on the back and saying "Their they're there."

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Pete the sewer worker has been in his job for twenty years and the town mayor decides to visit Pete at work and make a little presentation. The mayor climbs down into the sewer and gets chatting to Pete about why he likes his job so much. "Well" Pete says "My job is fascinating. You see that big turd floating past us now? That's from the carpenters. I can tell because you can see sawdust in it. Now this next one. That's from the gardeners. I can tell because it's got grass clipping s it. Now the big black turd coming into view now is from my wife". The mayor is incredulous. "Pete, I can understand the logic behind the gardener and the carpenter, but how the hell do you know thatthat turd out of all the millions of turds in the sewer is from your wife?" "Ahh, it's got me lunch tied to it."

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I decided to write my 2025 Diary with invisible ink. When I went to look back through it on New Year's Eve,I discovered the pen had run dry on the 3rd of January.

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A young, heavily pregnant Irish lass is involved in a car crash and is put into a coma. When she wakes up several weeks later, she discovers that she has given birth. "What happened to my baby?" she asks a nurse. "Well, miss, you had a boy and a girl, and your brother Seamus is looking after them for you. We didn't know how long you'd be out, so he named them for you." "But Seamus is a dickhead! What did he call them?" the girl asks. "He called the girl Denise". "That's not too bad," the girl says, "what did he call the boy?" "Denephew."

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I always fill my blow-up dolls with propane. Regards, D Trotter, Peckham

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Went out with my bell-bottoms on the heavens opened and started to piss down. I'm fucking ringing now.

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A toilet goes into a pub and says "id like to buy everyone in this establishment a drink" The landlord says "That's very generous of you sir". A the toilet replies "Well.. I'm feeling a bit flush".

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I bought a Jim Morrison satnav, but it's bloody useless. Just keeps telling me to keep my eyes on the road and my hands upon the wheel.

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Childproof your house all you want. They still fucking get in.

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If a motorcyclist runs over a woman, who's to blame? The motorcyclist - he shouldn't have been riding around in the kitchen!

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A man walks into a cocktail bar and says, 'Barman, I'll have an Erroneous Punchline!' So the bear picks the rabbit up and wipes his arse with it.

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A rabbit walks into a bar. The barman says, 'Why the long face?' The rabbit replies, 'Shit, I think I'm in the wrong joke.'

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My wife lost two fingers on her left hand and the thumb on her right hand in a car accident. She has mixed feelings about me now.

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I've just bought my Irish cousin some waterskis for Christmas The daft bugger's now looking for a lake with a slope.

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I entered ten puns in a contest to see which would win. No pun in ten did.

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My daughter has a Norwegian boyfriend who's dad owns a Hi-Fi shop. She's banging Olafs son.

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Jokes about white sugar are rare. But jokes about brown sugar? Demerara.

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"How long do cats usually sleep for?" I asked the vet over the phone. "On average about fifteen hours a day." he told me. "So eight months is excessive then."? I asked.

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I was clearing out my late Nan's house and I found an interesting looking Chinese vase in a box in the attic. I wondered if it was valuable, perhaps Qing or Ming dynasty. So I placed it with Sothebys Auctioneers. I'm delighted to say that it sold for a six-figure sum! £6

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I've discovered that I have a superpower. I can melt ice cubes just by staring at them. It takes a while though.

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Add a hilarious twist to a classic practical joke. Fill your Nan's whoopee cushion with gravy!

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Financial analysts warn that the price of balloons, bouncy castles and blow-up sex dolls is expected to rise substantially over the next year, a trend that they attribute to the economic cost of inflation.

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I was invited to a speed dating event by a friend. Boy did I feel silly turning up with my jaw swinging like a wrecking ball.

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A blind man walks into a library and asks, 'Do you have any books on tape?' The librarian replies, 'Yes we do, but it's not a very interesting subject.'

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Gutted! My wife just left me because I never put the toilet seat down. To be fair, I'm not even sure why I started carrying it.

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"Mummy Mummy Billy's spewed up". "So what"? "Johnny's getting all the big pieces".

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I was at a cash machine the other day, and an old lady asked me to help her check her balance. So I pushed her over.

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If you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock. That's pretty humerus.

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What has 90 balls and screws old women? BINGO

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Little Johnny runs into the bathroom and catches his mum sat on the toilet. He looks between her legs and said "Mummy what's that"? His mum all flustered and tries to think quickly and says "Oh that's my hedgehog". Johnny says "granny has one of those but all it's guts are hanging out".

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What's the difference between a HOOKER and a DRUG DEALER?? A hooker can clean her crack and resell it the next day!

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I'm looking forward to my Father's Day meal later, local gastro-pub which does a fantastic Sunday roast and a selection of fine ales. But that's all the missus and kids have done is moan moan moan, "Why can't we come with you?" "I'm really hungry daddy!" and stuff like that!

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What do Donald Trump's kids give him on Father's Day to keep him busy all day? A card with 'Please Turn Over' written on both sides.

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A cod leaned into a sardine at a bar. "I've got something to tell you, but you can't tell a sole."

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Where does bin laden put his CD's? In Iraq

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I sent back a sundial I bought off Temu. It didn't show whether it was AM or PM.

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What's brown and crawls up your leg? A homesick turd.

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Apparently there is an epidemic of hidden cameras being concealed in hotel rooms and as somebody who uses hotels a lot, it has got me really concerned. It makes my skin crawl to think that there could be thousands of horny creeps paying top dollar to watch me eat a pot noodle and scroll through this site in my pyjamas.

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Did you hear the one about the acid bath killer. The soft cunt lost his hand taking the plug out.

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A man is walking along a beach, sad and depressed, when he hears a booming voice from the heavens. "DIG!" says the voice. The man looks around, a little confused. "DIG!" Booms the oice again. The man thinks what the hell and starts digging at the sand in front of him. Suddenly he hits a wooden box. He picks it up and the voice shouts "OPEN!" He opens it to see hundreds of gold coins. He's a little taken aback when the voice shouts again "CASINO!" What the hell, thinks the guy, so off he walks. He enters the casino door when he hears the voice shout "ROULETTE!" He walks over to the roulette table and awaits more instructions. "16 BLACK!" the voice says So the man puts the whole chest on 16 black, the wheel is spun and it lands on 5 red. "FUCK!" shouts the voice...

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Little girl to her Mum "Mummy, Jimmy next doors' willy is like a peanut" "Because it's small?" "No, because it's salty!!"

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There once was a vampire called Mabel Who's periods were really quite stable Every full moon She'd get out a spoon And drink herself under the table

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I bought a bottle of Dr Watson's Patented Constipation Remedy. Misread the instructions, and ended up doing half a bottle instead of half a teaspoonful, half an hour before I embarked on an important train journey in a carriage full of vicars. Anyway, turns out the stuff had no effect on me and the journey concluded without incident. No shit, sheer luck...

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Just asked Chico and MC Hammer the time. Absolute carnage.

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Keith Chegwins sister walks into a pub and the barman said "Hi Janice why the long face"?

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Two flies on a pile of shit Fly 1 *starts to pick his nose, burp and fart* Fly 2 Do you mind I'm eating here!

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Q: Why did the condom fly across the room? A: Because it was pissed off.

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What's hard, six inches long and fun to play with in the toilet? A Nintendo Gameboy.

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Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? A: It was dead. Q: Why did the other monkey fall out of the tree? A: It was dead, too. Q: Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree? A: It was tied to the other two. Q: Why did the elephant fall over? A: It got hit by falling monkeys.

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I took my elderly sick German shepherd dog to the veterinarian and told him "Unfortunately, it's come to that time Doctor Smith, I need you to put my Max down." The vet looked into my old dog's bloodshot eyes and said "Max, you're fat, leaky, you have wonky ears and your breath stinks of shit!"

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A man and his wife are woken at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud knocking on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a stranger is standing in the pouring rain. "Excuse me mate", he asks, "I'm sorry to disturb you, but I don't suppose you could help me out - I need a push! "Not a chance," says the husband, "it's 3 o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!" The man does as he is told, puts a coat over his dressing gown, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes" comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing!" he replies.

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I ate too many large omelettes in a week and got badly constipated. Saw my GP, he prescribed Dulcolax suppositories. Tasted nasty! And for all the good they did, I might just as well have shoved them up my arse!!

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If your bidet isn't working don't worry! Just turn the shower on and do a handstand.

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Truth is like an ancient mirror. It reveals everything, except why the nearest cabbage won't make eye contact.

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"Hello, is that the Stuttering Asian branch of the Beach Boys fanclub?" "Yes, Bar-bar-bar Bar-babar-an speaking..."

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Taylor Swift has smashed Michael Jackson's 35 year old record, but I beat her to it. Used my copy of Bad as a frisbee back in 2022.

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A man is born made of rock. One day he looks in the mirror and runs his hand across his rock body Then he says "hmm, I feel like cummingtonite."

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Two sausages are in a frying pan. One says to the other: 'Jeez, it's hot in here' The other one says: 'Bloody hell, a talking sausage!'

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Paddy and Mick were sitting on the floor. They fell off.

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What's a Glaswegians favourite food? Ebola porridge.

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What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Most people can roast beef.

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How do you circumcise a whale? Send down four skin divers

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A rabbit walks into a bar, goes up to the barman and says, "Got any cabbage leaves?" The barman says, "No, this is a bar," so the rabbit hops out. The next day, the rabbit comes back, hops up to the barman and says, "Got any cabbage leaves?" The barman says, "No, this is a bar, we don't sell cabbage leaves. Now clear off!" So the rabbit hops away again. The next day, he comes back, goes up to the barman and says, "Got any cabbage leaves?" The barman says, "Look, I'm sick of you coming in here asking for cabbage leaves. Next time you come in here asking for cabbage leaves, I'll chop your ears off!" So the poor little bunny hops away with his little fluffy tail between his legs. The next day, the rabbit's back. He hops up to the bar and says, "Got any scissors?" The barman says, "No!" "Got any cabbage leaves?"

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So this jelly baby goes to the doctors and says 'Doctor, Doctor, I think I've got the clap" The Doctor says 'don't be ridiculous, you're a jelly baby. How could you possibly have the clap ?' And the jelly baby replies 'Yeah I know. But I've been shagging Allsorts'

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Q. What's the difference between a barrowload of diarrhoea & a barrowload of babies? A. You can't unload diarrhoea with a pitchfork!

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A young lad is in the car with his Dad. Dad nearly hits someone and yells "Bastard!". The boy asks "Dad, what does bastard mean?" The father replies "It's another word for 'stranger' son". When they arrive home the little lad finds his mother stuffing a turkey. She loses her watch and shouts "Fuck!" He asks her what the word fuck means. She answers "It's another word for 'stuff' son". Then the little boy wanders upstairs where his Dad is having a shave. He cuts himself and shouts "Bollocks!". The young lad asks what bollocks means. The dad retorts "It's another word for 'chin' my son". There's a knock at the door. The little lad - now full of newfound wisdom answers it. There are two policemen at the door. He greets them with "Hello you bastards, don't worry my mothers fucking a turkey and my fathers shaving his bollocks".

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